pozgingerbearbttm

So mine started with what o thought was a muscle knot in my neck that turned out to be a very swollen lymph node. Then there was the days on the John, felt like everything was coming out at once. Weakness, hot and cold chills, and all kinds of pain. It was hell

Hello everyone. Sorry it's been so long since an update, but life was just racheting up the crazy there for awhile. Anyway, I'm doing great. I'm still on Stribild and I've been undetectable for months and still going strong. I've made a couple new friends (mostly straight boys, but hey, they're cool) and I've been walking a lot for fun and exercise. The relationship with the neg guy I mentioned didn't work out... But because I'm poz and he's neg, we just weren't compatible long term. Overall I've adjusted pretty well. I've started hooking up again. Yeah, I didn't really think the monogomy or bust thing was going to last... I've always loved sex too much not to be a bit of a slut. :-) It is a little harder now, though, because I ALWAYS disclose my status before I hookup with a guy. Most guys aren't interested in taking the risk of fucking a poz guy, and I can't blame them... I was the same when I was neg. The only thing that bothers me even semi-regularly is when I tell a straight friend about it and they want to talk about every physical interaction and shared item/surface to make sure they can't catch it from sharing my silverware or using the bathroom after me. Other than that, it barely affects my daily life. I got connected with Project Hope/Family Services. I have an amazing case worker with them and it's made a huge difference in how I see living with this and they also help me get to my specialist appointments. TL;DR- So, thank you all for your support and wisdom; it meant the world to me. I'm doing great.

Thank you SO much for your reply. I had no idea Stribild (or meds in general) could get someone to undetectable so fast. I figured I was looking at year(s) before it was a consideration. As for where I am, I'm the the philadelphia suburbs (Montgomery County near Bucks if that's relevant). I live a town that's somewhere between Mayberry and Agrestic from Weeds. Everything's white-bread and suburbanite but everyone's doing drugs and there's a huge drug/poverty problem. Basically there's zero LGBT centers or anything for a few towns in any direction and I have no reliable transportation (no car, public transportation's iffy around here and I can't rely on friends for rides for anything as regularly occurring as a support group) so stuff in Philadelphia or similar are out of the question, hence me looking for online support. Considering that until recently I was on meds for my bipolar, I was already expecting to be taking pills my whole life. It's mildly annoying that I got off the psych meds (and doing amazingly well without them) and now I have to go on a different type of medication, but, hey, better than not having them and dealing with this illness without them. I apologize if my comment about the 80's and 90's was remotely offensive. I just meant that the media portrayals set in that era show a lot of worst-case scenarios and that there's a world of difference now. I'm so glad that you are going strong and that you made it through what was undeniably an awful time for our community. Once again, thanks for your response. I'll keep this thread updated on my progress/experiences.

Brief background on me: I'm 28, on disability for severe bipolar disorder, live with my disabled mother (she's got diabetes, diabetic neuropathy and COPD) and my best friend/adopted sister/hag (both of whom also have bipolar and a grab bag of other mental illnesses). In the last six months I've had a rough time: November I didn't get a disability check, December my landlord didn't renew my lease so I had to find a new place with less than 30 days notice, January I had to move in the rain on New Year's Day, February my mother (who I live with) set herself on fire by falling asleep smoking with oxygen on, March I didn't get a check again (paperwork is brutal and bureaucracy sucks), my mom was released from the hospital, then immediately went back in with a 103 degree fever and ended up having foot surgery, my best friend was hospitalized for mental health reasons and then in April I tested positive. So far I'm surviving and handling things relatively well. But I need support in being poz. I've been barebacking (anonymously and with regular fuckbuds) for a long while now and it's not exactly a shock for me to test positive (I knew it was going to happen sooner or later) but it's one thing to think that it'll happen eventually and another when the nurse comes in and tells you the results were positive. I saw my primary who referred me to a specialist. I've gotten my CD4 levels (500) and viral load (7,000). I told my partners (those that I know). I'm already in therapy and my therapist is helping me deal with it. I also started taking meds (Stribild) But I'm scared. I live in terror of infecting someone. My mom currently has multiple open or open-isn wounds due to the surgery and the burns (nothing open to the air, but her foot is bandaged and her hands have blisters and such that are capable of becoming open). My sister/friend compulsively bites the edges of her nails (not the nails themselves but the beds. I know, it's weird but it's a symptom of her anxiety issues) and she can't stop herself. And I've been flirting with and am probably soon going to be dating a negative guy I met recently. (I haven't hooked up with anyone since my diagnosis and plan on being both safe and monogamous if/when he and I end up hooking up) On top of fear of infecting someone else, I'm having a lot of trouble knowing what to expect. I grew up on (and have pretty much only seen since) Rent and other portrayals of HIV/AIDS all set in the 80's and 90's when it WAS a death sentence. I know it's different now. I know with meds it's manageable. But the only portrayals/representation I have for HIV positive men are either the dying guys from movies set during the beginnings of the epidemic or the fetishized chaser/giver community online (hell, I've read A LOT of stories on this site in the giver/chaser section myself) and while that's a hot thing to read or fantasize about, it's not very helpful in figuring out what day-to-day life changes come about with this disease. When I first tested positive, I tried to do some research on the disease as a whole but frankly it was like checking symptoms on webMD. Everything negative, terrifying and awful leapt out at me and scared the crap out of me. I spent a week freaking out about if when I'd get AIDS Dementia Syndrome and lose my mental facilities. TL;DR How does being poz genuinely and tangibly affect day to day life? Where's a good place to get support without broadcasting my status all over Facebook? In general, HELP!

I'm in a similar boat to you. I was diagnosed mid-April and I'm 28. I've had one or two "serious relationships" and they've ended VERY badly. While I'm caucasian and therefore don't have to deal with the, let's call it what it is, racism that you have, I've been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder since I was 18 and have been struggling with depression, anxiety, mania and suicidal urges since I was 8. No, that's not a typo, my first suicide attempt was when I was eight years old. I had pretty much given up on ever finding love BEFORE I tested positive, since after all, who wants a boyfriend who's literally insane and even on disability because work environments can be stressful enough for me to get panic attacks or even get suicidal. I'm telling you this because I met someone. He likes me for me. He knows I have HIV and mental illness and he thinks I'm awesome. He's handsome, kind, clever, funny and honest. It's new, it's not even officially a relationship yet (my diagnosis is too recent and he's fresh out of a relationship) but it's heading there quickly. I'm not telling you this to brag but to explain that there's always hope. There's someone out there right now that will think you're amazing for being you. Don't give up hope and be prepared to meet someone in a place you don't expect. I met my boy in a support group. Best of luck, and be strong.