This won't be sexy, but at least it's "raw". I want to first start out to say that while sex is nice, it's not the most important thing in my life. I like sex, but it's a small part. I have my home, family, friends, career and hobbies that are very important to me and I do not want sex to get in the way of that. I do not judge anyone else's choices. I make my own decisions and people make theirs. My problems come from people close to me making decisions too and it's how they affect me.
I'm in my mid thirties and I actually don't have much experience in penetrative sex. When I do have anal, I really like bareback. I love shooting my sperm in a hole and I love taking it up my ass from a man I love (even though I'm very, very tight). I married and my husband and I got a boyfriend to play around with about a year ago. I'm very loyal, almost to a fault and I don't cheat or troll for sex online. My husband has for years used sex apps to talk to men. Our boyfriend does too. Full disclosure, we all play around together with others as a group thing, but never to the level of fucking anyone else. It's always blowjobs, rimming, jacking, frotting, etc. None of us are on Prep. We discussed that we don't want to take it to the level of anal sex with "outsiders" because of the risks.
My husband and my boyfriend say they're monogamous, but I know they aren't. Before I continue I need to give some background on who I am and what's in my past. I've had very few relationships and they have all been strong and monogamous. Several people in my family have had HIV. Three of them died of the disease directly while one died luckily of old age/ natural causes. AIDS is a pretty touchy topic for my family and they would be devastated and very disappointed in my if I got HIV. I know medicine is different these days, but I don't want to be dependent on pills for my health and have the disease that killed my family members. I've seen the price of the disease and I just don't find it desirable.
Now I had my suspicions, so I did something that I'm not proud of: I checked the apps and messages on their phones. Both of them are having very hot and heavy conversations with men all over town, some even today (I checked). Some messages give times when they are alone, or coming home from work, or when they have a break to go off and have some sort of sex with these men. Most of the time it's just for very simple sex like a blow job. One alarming message from the boyfriend was about having sex with couple where he said "I just can't get hard with condoms and I know you guys bareback, are you clean?" That particular hookup never ended up happening and from what I can tell, they have never gone as far as fucking 100%. They set limits with these guys in the messages "just blowjobs, okay?" but who knows what actually happens once they are together. These encounters are secret. They are both supposed to tell me and each other (as we all agreed), but they don't. I've confronted both of them about this, and they either admit it or deny it and they continue to do it anyway every time I check. I just asked them to be honest with me and they continue not to.
I enjoy their love and companionship. I don't want HIV. I find it hot in many ways but I'm also hurt. I can't trust them 100% obviously. Now, it would be fun to say "fuck it" and just start raw dogging all around town, egging them on, but I just don't want the consequences that come with that. That's my choice. The benefit doesn't outweigh the consequences, for me. I also don't want to feel used having one of my guys saying "I love you" and calling someone else "daddy" in secret. That makes me feel worthless.
I am very conflicted. I don't know what to do and I don't want HIV or other STDs. I'm thinking about secretly getting on Prep among other things. Thoughts?
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