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orlanguy

Struggling with Desire vs Reality

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Ever since I first bent over in a dark bathhouse maze and took a stranger's raw cock I have not enjoyed so much as one second of protected sex.

While I have a perfectly good heterosexual sex life, still I constantly find myself longing for cock in my ass, and all I ever think about is raw sex with total strangers.  Sadly, PrEP is looking to cost me hundreds a month, matter how I go about it.  And although I fear HIV, still I desperately want the cock.

Months ago I found myself knowingly taking poz cocks at the baths and have since slowed down. I have to wonder, how do some of you deal with it? I cannot be the only one feeling this way.

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There's nothing like a hard cock in your ass, nothing comparable in heterosexual sex, a vagina can't insert itself into your cock craving asshole. There's also nothing like the feeling of breaking the taboo and having unprotected sex, esp. with poz cock.  No matter how you try and rationalize it, you'll always end up wanting it over and over again.  You've got to either accept it, find a way to get PREP or stop, which is the hardest thing to do.

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On 1/4/2017 at 1:35 AM, punaman said:

No matter how you try and rationalize it, you'll always end up wanting it [anon sex] over and over again.  You've got to either accept it, find a way to get PREP or stop, which is the hardest thing to do.

PrEP is not accessible to everyone. Accepting the possibility of pozing for someone who lives a "perfectly good heterosexual sex life" is not easy because the consequences of your actions fall on many other people like spouse and children and having to face the heterosexual world as an HIV+ individual.

On 1/4/2017 at 1:29 AM, orlanguy said:

Months ago I found myself knowingly taking poz cocks at the baths and have since slowed down. I have to wonder, how do some of you deal with it? I cannot be the only one feeling this way.

I would suggest you evaluate how important it is for you to stay HIV-negative and how devastating would it be if you became poz. If you don't care about HIV then just go for it and become a slut to horny guys in darkrooms.

If you need to remain HIV-negative because pozing would complicate your personal life, you need some protection from HIV.

One solution is PrEP but the problem is that you are still exposed to other infections not protected by PrEP. You need now to evaluate whether or not being exposed to other infections like Syphilis has to be avoided at all cost or you can afford being the risk of infection. If you can handle the curable infections and accept a low risk of Herpes and Hepc-C, PrEP is a good solution, at least for a few years.

If you need to avoid all STDs your best solution is a membership with safestsex.org because the information you would get from other members is relevant to making a decision to have or not to have sex with someone when trying to protect from STDs. The problem with the strategy offered by safestsex.org is that new member cannot expect to be protected from STDs in extremely anonymous situations, like a darkroom. What I've heard is that in some large cities (not sure if the US or Canada) they have organized SafestSex.org Parties, sort of like CumUnion but much smaller I imagine. I don't have the details of how that works but I can imagine that if everyone is tested it should be fun to get all in a bathhouse or some club. 

Something I've learned throughout the years is that I always thought I needed to have the experience  because it was my last chance. Unless you are getting close to 50 you don't need to rush and instead make sure to make the best decision.

 

 

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On 2017-01-04 at 1:35 AM, punaman said:

There's nothing like a hard cock in your ass, nothing comparable in heterosexual sex, a vagina can't insert itself into your cock craving asshole. There's also nothing like the feeling of breaking the taboo and having unprotected sex, esp. with poz cock.  No matter how you try and rationalize it, you'll always end up wanting it over and over again.  You've got to either accept it, find a way to get PREP or stop, which is the hardest thing to do.

I agree that the feeling of a cock pounding your hole can be an amazing experience. But instead of "esp. with poz cock. " I woudl say "esp. with anon cock." For me the fetish is not with poz but with cocks being anonymous, which of course can be poz.

 

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Guess I'm different. I'd find it much hotter if I could relax knowing the Top was on PrEP and our fun was safe ( STIs aside!)

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Are you certain PrEP will be hundreds of dollars per month?  My official copay for the past year was $377 per month BUT the manufacturer gives a $3000 "allowance" for copay assistance, so it's "free" for the first 10 months, then I paid about $1,000 in total for the year.  I thought my copay was increasing substantially this year and I'd have to make the same decision about keep taking loads or adjust my sex life, but my first refill of the year this week was the same as last year.  So I was either mistaken, or it was early, and it'll catch up next month.  Like the others said though, you've got other stis to worry about - esp if married.  And btw, that $3000 copay assistance from Gilead is NOT based on income or anything - it is available to everyone.  I consider it a little "gimmick" of the pharmaceutical company to keep the price higher and get more from the insurance company without making it cost prohibitive to the individual. 

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Thanks for the replies guys. I am a little ashamed to say i slipped again and have poz cum in my ass from this morning. I may have to justify the expense of prep

 

My problem is usually anonymous cock. But if a guy says hes poz i wont even offer him a condom. It is so infuriating to have no control over my sexual desires

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I'm sorry for your dilemma and the pain it's causing you, but you have a decision to make. ask yourself this question:  are the minutes in the darkroom worth giving up the rest of your life?

it might help if you picture that cock fucking your wife and children. 

I know I'm harsh and judgmental about this. you may have the right to do as you choose with your own body, but you do not have the right to force that risk upon the rest of your family.

is the fucking you're getting worth fucking them over?  if it is, leave them and live your cumdump life without them. if it isn't, figure out how to change your behavior immediately.

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6 hours ago, orlanguy said:

Thanks for the replies guys. I am a little ashamed to say i slipped again and have poz cum in my ass from this morning. I may have to justify the expense of prep

My problem is usually anonymous cock. But if a guy says hes poz i wont even offer him a condom. It is so infuriating to have no control over my sexual desires

Anonymous sex in general, whether is group action, cock or ass, is so hot that it becomes difficult to avoid and one is easily exposed to infections. I'm trying to avoid HIV and all other infections but I know I can easily slip and put myself at risk. 

5 hours ago, einathens said:

I'm sorry for your dilemma and the pain it's causing you, but you have a decision to make. ask yourself this question:  are the minutes in the darkroom worth giving up the rest of your life? it might help if you picture that cock fucking your wife and children.

Not to mention the possible fuck-flu 4-6 weeks after and then the 3 months wait for the test. Worth it? When you're horny in the darkroom it is worth it.  Five minutes later comes the regret.

13 hours ago, dude8688 said:

Guess I'm different. I'd find it much hotter if I could relax knowing the Top was on PrEP and our fun was safe ( STIs aside!)

I'm like you but in order to relax I would prefer anon partners be tested for all STIs. My dream would be to attend a special event, something like a CumUnion party, but everybody attending being safestsex.org members recently tested for all STDs and a blood test on entry to the party. In my view that would be awesome, a sex club with slings, glorholes and darkrooms full of horny guys who are tested.

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On 7.1.2017 at 11:17 PM, hungry_hole said:

Not to mention the possible fuck-flu 4-6 weeks after and then the 3 months wait for the test. Worth it? When you're horny in the darkroom it is worth it.  Five minutes later comes the regret.

Exactly that's what I also experience. Every second before such a date (awaiting an anonymous top in my bed) I become more and more nervous, but eagerly hoping to get a great load. Then, during the fuck, you know about the risks if he shoots his load into your ass but - hell - I want to have it right there in that moment! After he left and I spurted my load, I sometimes start regretting arranging that date...

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I understand what you saying as I'm in the same situation here. I'm still neg but I want to convert I can't really explain why I do it just always been with me most of my life and I often can't believe I made this far and still be neg. I would say think very carefully of what you are doing and I know it's a very hard decision to make and trying to explain it to a love one is a complete nightmare.  that the problem I got here is to explain why I like raw sex and why I want to take toxic loads. Yeah in a way I already kind of accept that I poz even know I still neg but I want to move on but I'm stuck as I being held back by my partner I know he trying to help me but it put a lot of pressure on me and stress. I always have been a slut and I can't hide it. 

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Pretty sure we have all been in the same boat at some point.  Your issue is your involving others without their knowledge.  So, bite the bullet and get Prep, stop taking raw loads are get rid of the heterosexual realationship that quite frankly is holding you back from being the pig you obviously want to be.

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On 04/01/2017 at 4:29 PM, orlanguy said:

Months ago I found myself knowingly taking poz cocks at the baths and have since slowed down. I have to wonder, how do some of you deal with it? I cannot be the only one feeling this way.

Of course not. In my case, I was acting on lust, immensely enjoying the risky sex, feeling guilty afterward, swearing I'd never do it again, then eventually doing the whole process again. When a poz friend got me to admit out loud that I want to become HIV positive, I shocked myself, but then felt relieved that I was no longer in denial and the guilt has been removed from the equation. I'm letting nature take its course. It's actually more expensive for me where I am to be on PrEP than on HIV meds (but only just). Without knowing any of your personal circumstances, I am just being an impartial observer here - a heterosexual relationship does not suit your desire.

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We have all been in your boat and believe me, You'll get to the point where you just stop giving a fuck and keep doing it regardless. Anonymous sex is so fucking hot and it can be very addictive. It really just comes down to if you wanna get pozzed or not. If you don't then get on prep. It's expensive but worth it for the care free bareback sex.

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