How to be a Top, and how to find a Bottom Daddy

[Sunovabesh]

Hey, I guess the title explains it all. 

Okay, to summarize, I'm an expert bottom twink, but, I want to be a top. And, to explain this, I'll give a quick backstory about all this.

I am 21 years old, twink, 5'10, 145-160 pounds (haven't measured in a bit), and have had sex with over 60 people since my freshman year of college. 99% were men, and 1% was a girl. Most of the men where older guys who I'd sucked off, and rarely did I bottom. But, I always was a cocksucker. The guys I laid with always commented on my oral skills, due to me deep throating all the time, and offer relaxing sensations. Where most men go for a simple orgasm, I go for making someone feeling beautiful and less stressed out. This of course led to a talented tongue, throat and a willingness to bottom at a moment's notice. From wearing frilly underwear, to being a cumdump to a few creepy guys (seriously, one fucking used my throat for over 6 hours), I have learned what guys generally liked and what I liked to add to the mix. While you can say, I'm a good "boi" or whatever, I generally have to say, I am rather displeased by all of this.

I never gotten a blow job (or at least on to completion), no one likes touching my dick in general, no one wants to bottom for me, but most importantly, no one helps me get off. There are only 4 people who tried, and I honestly can say only one put actual effort. I've been with "mutuals" and "bottoms," but they all just want to get off, and go to sleep, leaving me there to jerk off alone. So, in other words, I don't know how to orgasm when someone touches me, since I'm used to no one touching me. I just jerk off, and figure that I'm the only one who can pleasure myself.Hell, I only jerk off now, and my dick now only responds to my hand. I always made an effort to have people cum, relax, and be cuddled with and told that they are beautiful (even when I'm not attracted to them, but I still think they deserve a compliment, and I don't believe anyone "ugly," just not my tastes). I always gave a shit, and an effort. But, no one does shit for me. I tried twinks and (fucking no, just, no). I tried couples (they're just people who either want someone to cover up their relationship issues, or just wants the idea of a slave/ owned "boi" - which, ain't gonna happen), I tried rednecks (nope, fuck that, they're usually unsafe and have no idea what sex is (though I will always have boners for redneck dads)). And I tried married guys (I cannot handle the guilt of someone cheating. I cheated in a "relationship" (it was shit), but I felt terrible, and can't imagine being with someone, who willingly puts their partner at risk without telling them. Not to mention, their schedules are always fucked up. Though married guys are my ideal (if they can let me fuck with their wives and themselves at the same time). The only people who put effort into me, are strangely straight guys, and I'd rather not deal with that case of drama, or whatever. 

So, I want to try something (and someone) else. I've grown out of being strictly a bottom "boi," and now want to be versatile (or just a top). I want to have someone work my cock. I want someone to recognize I have balls. I want someone who's enthusiastic about giving me pleasure. But, also, I want someone who can be human. 

I don't want a relationship, but, I also don't want a cum rag. That's just disrespectful. I'd like to hang out with someone, joke, share views and just do stuff. Share a hobby or something. But, I do want to make sure that this person does not fall for me (had a guy propose to me after me giving him head.... Let that sink in). Just friends with benefits, but mostly a mutual respect for one another, but we fuck whenever we can. Also, I simply liked to think that I don't need to remind them that I'm gay, and that gay rights are an issue (seriously, why the fuck do older gay men act like gay rights are just "special treatments"?). That being said, I just want a bottom daddy.

I always have been attracted to older men. I always adored the facial hair, the musk, the smiles, and carelessness of an older male. However, I really don't need a "parental figure that belittles me for the sake of belittling me." What I want is an older man who I am attracted to (never had sex with someone I was attracted to either) that can teach me how to be a top, be a person to hang out with, and just enjoy pleasuring me and being pleasured. Maybe he likes young cock in his hole, and likes to be sucked off at the same time (learned how to do that); maybe likes to just ride my cock, and have me jerk him off, so he can cum, then goes to suck me off; or maybe wants my ass and my cock. Doesn't matter. And I don't mind being a bottom, I got handcuffs for a reason, y'a know. But, I don't know. I want to have this, but, it seems too ideal.

For one, I'm in a shitty place for hook-up's. STD's are everywhere, homosexuality is still seen as a wrong, most older men are in the closet but want to belittle gay rights, and there's a record of stealthing out here (doesn't help that I was raped once, recovered from almost dying from gonorrhea that caused me to have PTSD, and handled HPV that caused me severe depression), so, yeah..... Add in a bit of bad experiences and such, you got yourself a problem. Number two, I'm really busy. 

I'm a college student who works on project after project (video editor and sound editor), so, I'm all over the place. I'm constantly in a situation that, when the guy I'm hooking up with will mess with me, fuck up meeting up, and such, and I'll be okay with it. But, when I mess up, and communicate, apparently, I'M the "flake." So, that's a thing.

And finally, I honestly don't know where to look, nor know if it's the right time. I want to say that I should focus on school (and wait for Trump to be over), first, then go out. But, by then, I honestly think I'd lose interest in hooking up, and would want a boyfriend. I'd want a boyfriend at someone point, but, as times goes, I seem to have a personality that's too independent to have a functioning relationship. So, I don't know what to say. I'd like to "train" as a top before having a boyfriend, but, I don't know. But, with that being said, I really don't know where to look. Grindr, no one gets laid. Growlr is my cup of tea, but, I kinda have a bad history with it also. CL looks tempting, and had a lot of guys I'd fuck, but, seems like they're either married, or looking to have/give anonymous/poz loads. So, here I am.

I'm asking what can I do to be a proper top; what to do in order to seize a daddy; know how to be pleasured; and general thoughts. Also, if someone also can tell me how to be more "buff," that'd be great. Hopefully, I'm not asking too much. Thanks!

[PhoenixGeoff]

First off, congratulations on branching out.  A lot of men find one thing they like and that's all they do.  But variety is the spice of life.

So the first bit of advice I'll give you is...relax.  You're 21.  You've got a lifetime of sex ahead of you.  And personally, I can attest that it gets better as you grow older.  In part that's because your own skills will expand and deepen (kudos again on branching out).  In part, it's also because the skills of the guys you're with will as well.

So here's the good news:  finding a man to at least hook up with will not be hard.  There are a lot of 40+ men out there who would absolutely kill to land a guy like you.  And, it's a notorious problem within the gay community that the supply of bottoms far, far outweighs what the tops can provide (again, you want to be part of the solution here...you really are awesome).  So you can afford to be a little picky when it comes to finding the right guy.

The first bit of advice I have for you then is to be up front in your profiles about what it is that you are looking for.  In your case, your ideal sounds like a "Friends With Benefits" set-up rather than just randomly hooking up.  It is also perfectly legitimate to specify that you are only interested in men who identify as gay and who are out of the closet.  A good way to test the waters with a guy (in case you are still having residual trust issues after your experiences) is to ask to meet him the first time at a local gay bar if you have one.  That way you can feel him out in person in a public place.  It also ensures that he's comfortable enough with his sexuality to walk into a gay bar. 

I would also be very up front in your profiles that you are not looking for a sugar daddy.  Sad to say, there are young men your age who are, and many older guys are on guard against that as a result.

Incidentally, you are also absolutely right to avoid men who are unwilling to stand up for proper treatment.  Frankly, I'm not sure why you are running into this so much, unless it's internalized homophobia.  I can assure you that I myself and none of my friends who are 40+ are anything less than fully supportive of gay rights.  Many of us have been a part of that struggle in one way or another (I personally used to volunteer with a group that worked to repeal Don't Ask Don't Tell).  You shouldn't expect anything less.

If you are having trouble finding men in your local area and/or if there is no local gay bar, I suggest expanding your search to look at nearby cities.  Depending on where you live in the south, you may want to look into guys in Atlanta, New Orleans or Nashville, which all have gay communities of a respectable size (Atlanta especially).  If your transportation options are limited, it's still possible that you might run into someone in one of those cities that might be eventually willing to take a chance on coming to visit you.

You mentioned Grindr and Growlr.  I'd add Scruff to that list.  In some places I get more hits off Growlr, in others more hits off Scruff (I don't use Grindr, but that's because their clientele skews younger and that's not really my own personal thing; you will run into older guys looking for guys like you there).  It's hard to know which is more effective in advance.  Have a face picture publicly available there yourself and insist that the men who contact you do too (another way of filtering out the closeted types).  You can also check Adam4Adam and barebackrt (though not the latter if you insist on condoms...see below).  Personally I find that Craigslist can be kinda sketchy.  Lots of meth users and closeted guys and married men and the like.  But that might just be where I am, so feel free to check it out.

As for learning how to top, the basics are pretty straightforward.  You're going to let him do most of the cocksucking.  Basically, when your cock comes out, he needs to be on his knees in front of you.  Let him get you good and hard.  If you want, and want to signal you're willingness to fuck him, you can reach down and start feeling up his ass or fingering his hole.  Older gay men who bottom will typically be pretty experienced with it, so he'll absolutely be able to help with direction.  In general, you want to make sure his ass is well lubed, as is your cock, and when you first go to enter him, you take it nice and slow, especially if you're well hung.  Once you're inside, hold it there for a bit while he adjusts to you...you'll probably feel his ass open up a bit.  That's your cue to start fucking, gently at first, but as he gets going, you can pick up the intensity a bit if you want.  Where you go from there is really all on you (and your feel for the guy you're fucking...pay attention to what you're doing to him so you don't get too intense...unless intense is what he wants!)

You made reference to rednecks preferring "unsafe" sex.  So, this site being what it is, I'm going to endorse their willingness to bareback wholeheartedly.  This is a very good thing.  You will rapidly discover that fucking a guy with a condom on is nowhere near as much fun (although it is true that fucking is always pretty damn good...fucking raw is incredible).  My suggestion to you is that you look into whether or not your health insurance will cover PrEP, which is basically a pill you take every day to protect you from getting HIV.  It's also true that there are other STDs out there to worry about.  Your best defense there is to have yourself tested for syphilis, chlamydia and gonorrhea as well as HIV every three to four months (or, of course, if you have symptoms).  Each of those diseases is trivially easy to treat if they are caught early.  It will absolutely help if you are fucking non-closeted guys and keep to just a few FWBs that you fuck routinely.  But definitely get on PrEP and then definitely make your bottoms happy by fucking them bare and cumming in their ass.

[Sunovabesh]

Wow.... Thanks! That's very thorough. Honestly the best response I ever had gotten.

I appreciate your honesty, and being so polite throughout your response. You organized your statements and such, which I really applaud you for. 

However, for testing and such, I always make sure (Hell, even do so even when I don't have sex). And I completely see where you are coming from. I'm from St. Louis. It's rather difficult here for a "proper gay scene." And what you said is actually very thought out. And when it comes to being a bottom, I know how awesome it is to have a raw load in you. Always loved that myself lol

However, I see where you're coming from, and thank you for verifying that my views and wants aren't "dream-like." As mentioned, all I want is a daddy who'd like to talk to, be friends with, share a common ground, and (if I can) rim him wherever and whenever, just to let him know I still find him beautiful and an amazing fuck-buddy (maybe a load in his ass too can tell him that I find him attractive (also would love to cuddle with him and let him lay his head on my chest as we sleep).

And with the "generou$$$" thing, I fucking hate that. I never understood that, because, I find money stressful. I had once spend $70 on a guy who said he'd bottom for me, and all I did was suck his dick, and he fell asleep. He promised me a ride back home, and in the end of the day, made me pay for a cab, and left me nasty messages because I wasn't "man" enough to spend my money on him again (he was a 50 year old guy with fucked up teeth, and always smelled terrible with a dead stuffed cat in the living room - kill me). Nonetheless, I never want people to spend money on me, and have always asked men beforehand if I can always pitch in for hotel rooms. Mind you, I don't have a job, but, always am at least willing to buy dinner (Yes, I'm that type of person who'd like to buy the person I'm fucking food (somewhat)). As mentioned, I want people to relax in bed. To forget about deadlines. To forget about issues. To just relax, cum, and lay down having their hair played with as they talk about what's on their mind. That's what I like. Talking about money just adds stress and ruins the mood. Nothing wrong with prostitution, or the concept. But, I just can't see myself doing that to someone with my ideals to have a stress-free encounter. 

To the idea of being more upfront, I appreciate the most. Never tried Scruff, so, it's worth a shot. Also, I don't know if I can be covered for Prep. Though, HIV is strangely not my concern (I still don't want it) but I am honestly more scared of herpes, more so than HIV (I'm weird, and am somewhat uneducated on some issues, which I ask forgiveness if I sound like an ass). However, the reason why is because, that's what's REALLY getting to me. As I said, I am highly paranoid, so, since herpes is so easy to get by just kissing, my mind goes overboard and goes all over the place. 

Sorry if my post came off as desperate or such. I was in a bad place when typing. However, thank you for such a wonderful response!

[subbytch]

S, hang in there. What you want isn't impossible, difficult or even wrong. Quite honestly? It's not that difficult. It just takes a bit of time to refocus and figure things out.

First, as a "daddy" and a bottom, what you are looking for is out there. I've discovered many guys that love to fuck older guys, with reasons as varied as because we're hotter to just working through some parental issue. It's the same range of reasons, though, as to why people want to fuck  with people their own age or younger. People want to fuck. There are plenty of people out there that want what you want.

Second, being a top just takes practice. You put "top" on your profile and you'll get hit on by people with "bottom" in theirs. Rules of the universe. Once the opportunity presents itself, slide in and see what happens. The worst thing you'll find is that it's going to require some practice to get it right. If the worst misfortune that befalls you is you need to spend day after day after fucking fucking ass to improve your skills as a top, you are doing pretty good.

Third, for reading material, check out "How To Top Like A Stud." That will explain how toping works, what a bottom is looking for, and how you can get the most out of the experience. I read it and the one he wrote for bottoms. They are great books. https://www.amazon.com/How-Top-Like-Stud-Penetrating-ebook/dp/B00ZWILEBE

Fourth, remember, you don't have to have sex with anyone unless you want to. People have different takes on fucking or being fucked by people they don't find attractive. But if you don't find someone attractive, don't fuck with them. If you are horny, and you need a hole, push their face into the bed and go to town. You are allowed to do most anything you want. Put it on your profile and you'll find others that want it to.

Fifth, being in a smaller town is a problem. When you are done with school, you can move to a much larger city, one with more opportunities for work and for play. It's the tough trade-off with going to a smaller school. If you aren't into college guys, then it's going to be hit or miss until you get away from them.

Lastly, go get PrEP. You are in school, so you should have healthcare. Your school is likely to be writing prescriptions for PrEP. If they aren't, hop onto something like https://preplocator.org. It'll help you find a doc near you. If you don't want HIV -- some people do -- PrEP is the best protection out there. You are also concerned about other STIs? PrEP entails being checked every 3 to 6 months for STIs, too. You pee in a cup and get a swab down your throat. if you bottom, you stick another swab up your ass. A day or two later you know if you have any hitchhikers. One Rx clears that up. As for herpes, it's pretty low on the list of possible STIs. You are more likely to get gono or chlamydia, the most prevalent and easiest to treat STIs out there. Because herpes can be on any surface of a human body, a condom is only going to block dickborne herpes. It's not the end of the world if you get genital herpes, but it's also not particualrly easy to get. As for HPV, go get a gardasil shot. We have so much amazing technology that makes fucking easier and safer than its every been, you shouldn't worry too much about STIs. We can block them, treat them, and soon, we'll be PrEPing against STIs too.

Hang in there. And if you ever want to fuck a daddy-ass, let me know. I'll gladly let you practice as much as you want. :-)

[Sunovabesh]

Wow! Thank you, too. I really appreciate that! (Sorry, been busy to respond). I'll definitely look into all of this! And might take you up on that offer lol

[tallslenderguy]

Hi Sunovabesh,

Not sure how much I can add to the great responses of Phoenixgeoff and subbytch.  I would ditto PG's input about being upfront in your profile, both about what you want and that you're not looking for a sugar daddy. 

I think you are so far ahead of many guys, younger or older, because you are thinking and articulating what you think, feel and want.  I am sort of amazed at the number of guys I encounter who want one to be a mind reader, or expect others should just know what they want. When I place an ad or write a profile, I work pretty hard to give the reader a clear picture of what they're getting. I really want the same from another. Guys who don't have a detailed ad or profile,  then refuse to have some back and forth exchange before getting together are a crap shoot. I know that can be an attempt to avoid guys who are just getting off on talking and have no intention of hooking, but once you get past that you could be on your way to cultivating some fb's. 

One of the things I think is good about being different is 'different' people seem more apt to question the status quo, and learn a lot by doing that.  Not expecting one person to be everything helps me a lot.  It seems to be a heteronormative idea that somehow there's one special somebody out there.  I get pieces of my needs/desires met by all sorts of different people, and I work to make that reciprocal.  I'm comfortable with who I am and I don't want to put expectations on others to be something other than who they are. That's why it's important to be self aware and know how to communicate.  I tell people what I think and feel and look for, and I ask others to do the same.  I kind of avoid guys who don't know how to do that.

For me, finding connections is not about finding someone who'll conform to what I want, but finding someone who likes what I'm looking for. I find it's easier to do that in pieces. For instance, if I am just super horny and want cum in my hole, I'll go to a place that has a GH or a dark room.  For other desires like friendship or visual appeal, I have a network of friends. I look for pieces to create the picture/puzzle I'm trying to construct vs one guy being the whole picture.

I think it's awesome you're examining this stuff. Yay you!

[Sunovabesh]

Interesting point, Tallslenderguy, never thought of it that way. 

I guess, I kinda am just an anxious guy, who wants some company and sexual release. Maybe, I might be asking too much on certain aspects? I don't know. I hope that I don't come off as someone being too needy (a fear I deeply have). However, what you said really tells me something far more realistic than what I could imagine. 

I do find my platonic relationships more fun then sexual encounters. And separating/ finding pieces of sexual release and platonic companionship in life helps make a better lifestyle than trying to find all elements in one person. 

Going through the many hook-up scenes I've been through, I completely get what you're saying. It can be tiresome and so draining (phrasing), and even depressing when it comes to communication difficulties with sexual encounters.

Nonetheless, thank you so much!