Relationship or Cumdump?

[blankname]

Hey there, thought I saw a thread similar to this a while back but I can't seem to find it... I'm looking for some advice:

I've been in a relationship for a little over two years now, and I'm very happy with what I have. However, I've had a few slips which almost ended the relationship - he found out I was planning to meet someone for BB sex once, almost got fucked by a friend, etc. Yet, we're still together through all of that. No matter how much time goes by though, I still jack off to the idea of getting bred by a room full of daddies, or getting spitroasted, etc. Not sometimes, every time - it's the only thing I get off on, and I think about it periodically during the week as well. I think a lot about breaking up so I can go out and do these things, but I'm still in love with this guy. I'm fighting between two things I enjoy, and a part of me feels like the breeding desire is just short term happiness, but at the same time I feel like the thoughts will never go away and I'll likely cheat on him at some point and end it anyways. The constant internal arguing is becoming exhausting and I'm not sure what to do. After the close calls with cheating he's absolutely not interested in opening up the relationship (which I get).

 

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any thoughts regardless?

[bbzh]

I can feel from how well this post is written that this is very difficult for you. And I am sure some people will tell you to cheat or maybe end the relationship. It doesn't sound like you want to do either. The only person who can really help you resolve this is your boyfriend (and maybe a good relationship therapist - Dan Savage comes to mind). He has a weekly podcast, so maybe you could call in and he might answer your question. http://www.savagelovecast.com

For what it's worth, I think you need to have an open and honest discussion with your bf to see how both of your needs can be met. I'm guessing that you are rather young (25-30 years old) and that does play a role in how I see this. I'm not really a big fan of young people settling down too quickly because there's always that nagging thought about what they're missing and "the grass is greener on the other side". I also think you don't really have a strong sense of who you are and what you want out of life until you've lived a little, dated others, or simply enjoyed being single. However, being single for too long can cause one to be set in their ways, selfish, stubborn etc. I see this played out on apps and chat sites - i.e. a guy must be absolutely perfect to qualify for a fucking sex date.  

I digress. I don't think monogamy works particularly well for straight people and it's an even taller order for gays. But if that's what your bf wants (or demands), then as much as you love him, he may not be the one for you if you can't reach a compromise regarding your sexual needs. Only you know if this relationship is worth sacrificing for or fighting for. I do think too many gays dismiss the notion of forming deeper, meaningful relationships out of fear and/or selfishness, so I really do applaud you for your willingness to be vulnerable and form a real connection with another human being. When you look back on your life, you will likely cherish this. I learned the most about myself when I was in a relationship and I still love the guy even though it didn't work out.

I do wish you all the best and hope that this works out for you.  

[drscorpio]

13 minutes ago, bbzh said:

The only person who can really help you resolve this is your boyfriend (and maybe a good relationship therapist - Dan Savage comes to mind). He has a weekly podcast, so maybe you could call in and he might answer your question. http://www.savagelovecast.com

 

I second the advice for the Savage Love Podcast. Although Dan Savage believes that open relationships can be healthy, he is very negative about loads of anonymous sex, so you just have to let that not bother you if you listen. 

He has a couple of themes that I think are relevant to your situation. It seems like you and your husband may be sexually incompatible (monogamous vs liking anonymous sex). There really is only so much that can be done in those situations. Either you or your partner is going to have to give up something you want sexually. Ideally you could find a compromise. Maybe he would be open to occasional threesomes, or give you one night a month to play. 

This ties into another concept that Savage talks about a lot - the Price of Admission. Everyone has one. It's that thing you have to have in a relationship that may be hard for someone else to accept. If your partner's Price of Admission is lifelong monogamy, you will have to decide if you are willing to pay it. 

I agree with bbzh, you should not dump him without talking to him. At this point, what do you have to lose by bringing up the subject? You don't sound like you are happy now. 

[bbzh]

5 minutes ago, drscorpio said:

This ties into another concept that Savage talks about a lot - the Price of Admission. Everyone has one. It's that thing you have to have in a relationship that may be hard for someone else to accept. If your partner's Price of Admission is lifelong monogamy, you will have to decide if you are willing to pay it. 

Link to the Price of Admission video: 

 

[blankname]

19 minutes ago, bbzh said:

I can feel from how well this post is written that this is very difficult for you. And I am sure some people will tell you to cheat or maybe end the relationship. It doesn't sound like you want to do either. The only person who can really help you resolve this is your boyfriend (and maybe a good relationship therapist - Dan Savage comes to mind). He has a weekly podcast, so maybe you could call in and he might answer your question. http://www.savagelovecast.com

For what it's worth, I think you need to have an open and honest discussion with your bf to see how both of your needs can be met. I'm guessing that you are rather young (25-30 years old) and that does play a role in how I see this. I'm not really a big fan of young people settling down too quickly because there's always that nagging thought about what they're missing and "the grass is greener on the other side". I also think you don't really have a strong sense of who you are and what you want out of life until you've lived a little, dated others, or simply enjoyed being single. However, being single for too long can cause one to be set in their ways, selfish, stubborn etc. I see this played out on apps and chat sites - i.e. a guy must be absolutely perfect to qualify for a fucking sex date.  

I digress. I don't think monogamy works particularly well for straight people and it's an even taller order for gays. But if that's what your bf wants (or demands), then as much as you love him, he may not be the one for you if you can't reach a compromise regarding your sexual needs. Only you know if this relationship is worth sacrificing for or fighting for. I do think too many gays dismiss the notion of forming deeper, meaningful relationships out of fear and/or selfishness, so I really do applaud you for your willingness to be vulnerable and form a real connection with another human being. When you look back on your life, you will likely cherish this. I learned the most about myself when I was in a relationship and I still love the guy even though it didn't work out.

I do wish you all the best and hope that this works out for you.  

Thanks for your response - I was looking at this a bit binary, either break up or stay and say nothing. Hadn't thought about trying to discuss the issue without the break up intent, as obvious as that route might seem.

You also hit on a few points I didn't think of mentioning: There's this nagging voice that I'm only going to be this young for so long, it feels weird spending that all on one person. And when I look back on the past handful of years, my regret isn't having had a lot of sex, it's that I didn't do more, sooner. That raises the question of what I'll be thinking 2 years down the line...

@drscorpio - Thank you as well, I've definitely realized during this relationship what my Price of Admission is. If this doesn't work out, I'll need to be a bit more cautious before jumping into relationships. And we're just boyfriends, not married

[blankname]

16 minutes ago, bbzh said:

Link to the Price of Admission video: 

 

Thanks, great video. Reminds me of something someone told me when I was getting into this relationship actually: "Any relationship which forces you to fight against an integral element of yourself is doomed." Bit dramatic, but if that integral element isn't negotiable, a partner's acceptance of it is a requirement I need to have for relationships.

[Treehugger]

I was hoping to hear how you resolved your sex/relationship predicament. I have the same problem. If you feel like it let us know what happened. Maybe you now have some advice for the rest of us.

[Ozpig]

My experience has been no matter how hard I tried to control my urges to get fucked and be cumdump - I really never did very well. I have also found that most tops love sluts and I have have been fucked countless times by men who have told me so - they just don't want to marry one. Many guys in committed relationships have fucked me and only recently one told me that his partner would never clean his cock and balls. I see that as part of my role and allure - being the slut for tops that their partners won't

[hungry_hole]

On 3/7/2017 at 10:04 PM, bbzh said:

I don't think monogamy works particularly well for straight people and it's an even taller order for gays.

I doubt that wanting a monogamous relationship has anything to do with sexual orientation. I'm sure that many straight men would be non-monogamous if they knew their actions wouldn't jeopardize their main relationship with wife or girlfriend. The way most straight men safely break the monogamy is by watching porn, which most women consider a form of cheating.

On the other hand, it's easy for men who have sex with men to be non-monogamous because all participants are men, so there are no nagging women placing unreasonable expectations on men.

Edited June 25, 2018 by hungry_hole