Should I "expect" an HIV positive result?

[concerned1]

I am a strict or "total" Top. I am not versatile and never have been - I have never bottomed in my life. I have only ever topped.

I started off doing safe sex topping but after the first time I made a mistake of doing BB, that was it. It felt way much better (to the point where doing it with a condom was almost not pleasurable at all in comparison). BB sex became an addiction. I have, over a 4 year period, BB'd indiscriminately. I don't know the exact amount of times, as I stopped counting. However , it is currently less than 100 times and is somewhere around perhaps 40 to 50ish times.

The majority of times, I "came" quickly as I tend to be a premature cummer (due to just how intense the pleasure of BB is, for me) and so most experiences were brief. However some of those experiences were much longer fucks, and I sometimes fucked very hard and very deep. In the early stage of my BB'ing, I had a really hard acne spot on my foreskin...and although this never bled or anything when I fucked, I fear the HIV virus would have got through this. This is the biggest thing which concerns me.

I was told that most guys who BB indiscriminately with anonymous people are HIV positive (but who know they are positive and are on meds) - this initially gave me some hope and confidence, as being on meds reduces the risk of passing it on (especially if "undetectable")....however up to a quarter or more of all HIV positive guys with HIV don't know that they have it - and would therefore be on high viral loads - I wonder how many of those such guys I have fucked?

I have not tested for a long, long time as I am terrified of being told I'm positive. I know deep down in my gut that I am. It would be most unusual to not have gotten it, even without the acne spot in the early days, as I've been doing it with too many people for far too long. That's my belief. I would put money on me testing positive. I am, however, not as knowledgeable as others on here, perhaps those who work in sexual health...maybe they can confirm for me that I am to expect a positive result as the most likely outcome.

I decided a few months back to finally stop doing BB. So far so good. I've stuck to that. Alas, I fear, it is far too late already. I know topping is somewhat less risky than bottoming, however I highly doubt that will be my saving grace after the amount of time I have been doing BB and the number of times? 

As crazy as this sounds, I think I cannot face a positive result so much to the extent that I feel I will just wait to fall ill with an opportunistic infection.....not intentionally because I want to do that, but just because I am so, so, so unable to hear that term be confirmed to me: "HIV positive".

I did have a sexual health check only several months ago (and not long before I stopped the BB) but without a blood test (and therefore with no HIV test) and I was told everything (like for gonorrhea, chlamydia, warts etc) came back clear. 

So, should I be expecting, as my gut tells me....an HIV positive result?  

 

[Scottop]

First of all I don't understand why you have stopped barebacking. You say you got into fucking raw as it felt so much better than using a condom. It is...there is no comparison. Wearing a condom again will always feel unnatural and less enjoyable. Is that what your life will be from now on?

As to your fears, I also only top. Would love to bottom, as I did when a lot younger, but I tear too easily and it isn't worth the discomfort for me, but I love topping. I haven't tested for a while either. I used to test regularly, but I was always neg. Caught other things which were treatable. The last time I tested for HIV, I was in London and thought I might have it. I understand what gets into our heads. I decided to pay for a private test and the doctor was really good. I explained that I had unsafe sex and didn't know the status of some guys I had been with. She said, before the test, that the chances of me getting HIV as an active partner was very small indeed and the risk minimal. She put me very much at ease. Of course I had the test, and it was negative. I have relaxed about the subject since then.

There is a risk of catching it as a top, but put things into perspective.

[Leatherman667]

Go have the test; bet it will be Neg!

Edited May 8, 2017 by Leatherman667

[drscorpio]

11 hours ago, concerned1 said:

I decided a few months back to finally stop doing BB. So far so good. I've stuck to that. Alas, I fear, it is far too late already. I know topping is somewhat less risky than bottoming, however I highly doubt that will be my saving grace after the amount of time I have been doing BB and the number of times? 

Actually topping is anywhere from 50 to 100 times less risky than bottoming. Here is some good information. https://www.poz.com/article/HIV-risk-25382-5829

I bottomed bare for 15+ years before I went on PrEP. Get tested and get on PrEP, then go back to barebfucking. 

[Guest GoodExercise]

You have had this same concern and scenario before.  Terror followed by relief.  Even if you are relieved to test neg again, the terror will return when you resume barebacking and confront another test.  Once you test poz, you will not have to bother testing again.

[Detchiller]

Here's some suggestions: Hopefully you have some kind of intimate friend you can discuss this with as well as with those on this site. Get a home test done with him being the one who sees the results. Then get it confirmed with a medical professional, including a viral load to make sure it definitely is or isn't positive. Another option is going to different online dating sites (not just bbrt) and chatting up some guys who already publicly disclose they are undetectable. Ask about their experience. Many will be willing to share their experience with you. That should also help ease the fear of getting tested and a possible positive test result. And have a backup plan of people you can confide in and get their advice readily and quickly should it come out positive. But get tested.

[Read1]

Det,

I agree with your advice 100%. Not good to do things in isolation; a supportive community of bare backers is BEST! 

[analluv27]

The only advice I can give is make sure your medical and life insurance is in order just in case you test positive, but since you only top I wouldn't worry too much. Oh when you test negative get on prep

[einathens]

that 'hard acne spot' could be syphyllis. please get tested.

you might also look into going on prep. that would help allay your fears.

[BBFloridaguy]

On 5/9/2017 at 5:13 AM, GoodExercise said:

You have had this same concern and scenario before.  Terror followed by relief.  Even if you are relieved to test neg again, the terror will return when you resume barebacking and confront another test.  Once you test poz, you will not have to bother testing again.

Good advice here and fucking BB is awesome compared to covering your cock. But with that is risk and if you just accept that BB and Poz will free you from testing all the time. No more worries or stress and free to fuck anytime.

[concerned1]

Thanks to every one of you who has taken the time out to reply to the post.

@drscorpio - I'm sure you are an extremely rare exception (to say the least) having bottomed bare for 15 years without getting HIV. That sounds quite fanciful actually, but I take your word for it (I don't suppose you've anything to gain from lying!). However you should understand that you are most certainly the exception, and not the norm!

I know in my gut that I am poz, I've done BB far too many times to not be poz. I know for a fact some of the guys were positive but on meds/undetectable, and while I understand that I ought not to worry so much about my sexual experiences with those guys, I fucked plenty more people whose status I did not know. And if they're doing BB, then I would say the chances are that they are poz.

I appreciate the responses saying that as a top, I'm probably going to be alright, and I do concede that HIV is that bit more difficult to get from topping than bottoming....but let's not fool ourselves...bottoms have to get HIV from somewhere in the first place, right? (obviously from poz tops...so there must be plenty of them around to have given it to all the poz bottoms). And while I concede that HIV isn't an easy virus to transmit when compared to other STDs, i don't buy this notion that it's exceptionally difficult to transmit...otherwise it wouldn't be so widespread and would never have become an epidemic if it was that hard  to transmit.

I just hope so much my gut feeling is wrong, but we'll see....I've stuck to not doing any BB so far.....let's hope I can keep it that way.

P.S. I wish I could find an undetectable bottom/versatile guy who would love to have a regular top fuck him BB. Then I could carry on with BB with much less worry (though I'm likely poz anyway, so it doesn't matter about worrying, I suppose).

Edited May 13, 2017 by concerned1

[punaman]

Most likely you are NOT poz. You've only topped, most transmissions are with bottoms.  How did it spread then?  A lot of tops are versatile meaning they top and bottom. While bottoming they caught the bug. Read the statistics or the numbers. It's not easy to catch HIV as a total top.  Why not get it over with, get tested and then get on PREP and continue what we love and were meant to do? BB sex.  I'm a bottom and haven't gotten HIV and have never used condoms.  My bf now is poz undetectable and he fucks me about every other day, bare back. I love it and wouldn't stop BB'ing for anything.
Do yourself a favor, go to CVS and get the home test and start enjoying life again.  

[NuttinmyButt]

Dude, as a top you likely are neg.  many guys are actually versatile and that's likely how "tops" got poz. 

 

Anything is possible.  By all rights I should be dead. 

 

I wont used condoms, and although I have been on prep for about a year or so, I have taken thousands of loads since the 70s including some I actually knew were poz. I am addicted to cum in my ass. 

 

Funny thing, after bottoming bare for thousands of guys including in the early 80s when there was nothing to keep HIV under control, I am still Neg. 

 

out of fear I didn't test for years.  If I am neg, you easily can be too

[justsexnowatl]

I seriously doubt you will be able to stick with condom sex again - you know the difference is night and day, and the fact SO many guys are fucking raw now, they will easily influence you even if you start out saying "safe only".  You already want it.  Being on this site makes you want it even more!  Personally, I've never been able to keep a hardon with a condom, even in my 20s.  I was vers and just got lucky through the 80s (no condoms), but eventually got scared and became a 100% safe bottom (never slipped up).  Then early 2000's I was dating someone and we barebacked from the very first time, no real discussion about it and neither of us had been tested in a while.  But without even discussing it we never came inside each other for 3 years, both fairly vers!!  Kinda hard to believe this in hind site.  It made me remember how good topping feels when I can actually feel it lol.  That ended in 2004, and I never really went back to condoms again, but I was about 95% topping.  You mentioned 40-50 guys total probably.  I'd estimate about 40-50 guys per year for myself (probably way more but I lose track, and lots were repeats) and plenty of them in bathhouses or sex clubs, anon CL ads - situations with zero discussion.  I know for a fact plenty were undetectable and without any doubt plenty were poz whether they knew it or not, and I didn't ask  lots of the time.  When PrEP came out I got on it immediately and started enjoying being vers again and not feeling "stupid" or whatever.

My biggest one time "scare" came from going to a sex club.....this hot little muscle guy I knew for a fact was poz was in one of the slings -  I fucked him raw for a little bit but was too close too fast.  He wanted me to fist him anyway, so I was doing that to delay cumming, and I was gripping the chain of the sling to help hold him in place.  At one point, I felt a pinch in my hand from the chain but didn't pay much attention.  Then I was using that hand to fist him also.  At some point I looked down and saw the cut on my hand was bleeding and I had been fisting this guy I knew was poz.  I kind of quietly panicked to myself, but also realized if I was gonna turn poz from it, it was already too late.  So I proceeded to fuck him till I dumped my load and got the hell outta there.  I did NOT convert, and that was with my bleeding hand inside a poz guy's ass.

You seemed genuinely scared of a poz result, but I would agreed with most of the other posters...so I don't want to downplay that.  I doubt you will be poz with that number of partners and always on top (I guess that majority of the poz tops were vers at some point although certainly exceptions), but better to find out and deal with it either way.  You can get on meds if that's the case and move on.  I just read an artlicle this week that said the average life expectancy of an hiv positive person on meds is equal to someone without hiv.  Get tested and get back to the raw sex you love - in my opinion - get on PrEP and quit worrying.   

[drscorpio]

Let me try this again. Let's look at this http://www.poz.com/pdfs/P04-14p53.risk_transmission.pdf

Each episode of raw topping gives you a 1/909 chance of infection. That is a 908/909 chance of not. 
If you top raw 100 times, you have a chance of infection of about 1 - (908/909)^100 which is about 10.4% You have to top raw around 625 times before it gets to 50%.

 

As to your claim that I must be a total outlier for bottom bare 15 years and staying neg, there may be some truth to it. I don't live in a big city (even though I did take sex vacations in big cities during that time), so a lot of my sex was with fuck buddies rather than new random guys all the time. But if you read around the forum, you will find lots of cases similar to mine. Even several cases of guys who were actively trying to get HIV who have gone years of bottoming with known poz guys and stayed negative.