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Beer Can


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Early 80's

I decided I was gay when I was 11 years old. I remember the moment -- I was sitting at home watching Super Password on TV. It was Summer and I just watched dumb shows all day. There was something I saw that made me face the fact that I wasn't normal. I was instantly depressed. I knew for a fact that I'd never get married and have kids...I was going to have a lonely life. I also knew I had to keep it secret and not let..anybody know. Funny, now looking back, that most people kinda knew already. I was a walking, talking question mark. I always fell in love with one of the husbands on reruns of The Newlywed Game...bUt that's as far as my thoughts would go.

1991

By this time, I was a college graduate and starting my first job as a copywriter for an ad agency. I was the 'quiet kid'. People can sense when you have an invisible wall around you...and they leave you alone. I had no social life whatsoever,but I had a Nintendo and a kick-ass stereo. That was all I had ever wanted or needed. But one day, there was a pamphlet left on my office chair. It concerned my company's policy of offering three free counseling sessions with a therapist. Somebody had noticed how isolated I was -- possibly my boss. I read the list of the shrinks they approved of. One was near where I lived. I didn't feel like I needed therapy, but clearly somebody else did. It was free so I went ahead and made an appointment. I had no idea what to expect.

It was a hippy-looking woman with curly red hair and lots of jewelry. Her office smelled like incense. I showed my employee I.d. and signed a piece of paper. And then I sat down and talked. Talked and talked and talked. I wasn't used to speaking out loud, and I told her everything while she took notes and nodded. I used my whole free session just talking about myself. She asked me to come back on Thursday, But maybe I didn't need to, I felt so relived just confessing everything that maybe I was OK now. But I went back. Again and again. I was in the middle of that story I told you about knowing I was gay as a child and how sad it made me. She interrupted me.

"When was the last time you remembered to breathe?"

"Huh?"

"You are paralyzed with fear and sadness...and you don't even take a breath when you talk. You're setting yourself up for an early heart attack. You seem coiled. Lean back a little, sit up straight and be aware of your breathing. Like this...." She closed her eyes and inhaled and exhaled audibly. 

So I did. 

"Do I need pills or something?"

"Probably. I think you need a massage more. You need to loosen that coil a little. A lot."

"So what's wrong with me?"

"Nothing that can't be helped ... or fixed."

Even after my free sessions were over with, I still went back to see her. She had referred me to a doctor who put me on Prozac and Xanax. I took the meds as directed and tried to be aware of my oxygen intake at all times. I can't say I was cured or anything, but I did change in small ways. At the next session, I told her about the progress I thought I was making.

"The more you need a pill, the sooner it works. You even look brighter, but you're still so guarded. Fear is your main issue. Did you ever go to get a massage?"

"No. I'm not a big fan of being touched. I'm not comfortable with that."

"Ah, yes. Comfort. You love your safety zone. Do you ever hear about Eleanor Roosevelt? She once said that everyone should do one thing each day that makes you uncomfortable."

"Like what?"

"Talk to a stranger. Smile at a coworker. Go somewhere you've never been. Listen to music you've never given a chance."

"Why?"

"Once doing something new becomes a habit, you'll see why."

I had no idea where to start. I smiled more often and said "good morning" to people at work. It was great...a little bit like acting maybe, but so much positive response came from this experiment. I even started making friends in my office. I tried to go somewhere I'd never been before, but I didn't know where. There was no way I was going to a movie or a restaurant alone. Nobody did that. I wanted to make more and more progress. I was young and not feeling sad. Things could get even better.

One day after work, I drove by a little bar called "Changes". The logo on the sign had a silhouette of a cowboy. Obviously a gay place, right? I never drank alcohol, but I was definitely gay. This would be my first new place to go...my new thing that I was afraid to do. People went to bars alone. If it was too weird, I could just leave. It was dark and smoky inside. And pretty much quiet and empty. I could handle this. I expected country music and dudes in cowboy hats, but that wasn't the case. It was just a run-down tavern with no business. I sat at the bar and the tall, lanky bartender came over...and promptly carded me. I was used to it. I had a baby face and looked too new for his liking. I ordered a beer and sat like I'd been there a million times already. There was only two other customers -- one of which was talking to the bartender there at the bar. 

"Hey," the bartender's friend yelled out. "Come here and talk to us, kid."

I moved down and joined their chat. 

"Scotty has no manners. He should have introduced us. I'm Jeff." 

"Hi. I'm Dan." I was getting used to this whole talking to strangers thing.

I figured they were boyfriends, but I soon figured out they were just buddies. Buddies who loved to gossip. They dished on everyone they knew. I should add something. Talk.

"Is it always this empty?"

"This time of day it is. It'll pick up pretty soon. Let the rush hour die down a little and they'll be pouring in. You've never been here?"

"No. I don't go out to much."

"Well. be prepared. It's 2 for 1 drinks on Fridays. Scotty -- give him his other beer."

"It's OK. I've barely started this one."

"Well...get to drinking. And stick close. I'll tell you about each person who comes in here."

So he and I moved closer, and people started to filter in. Dan knew them all. "He's a drag queen - you can tell by the eyebrows." "He's married and has kids.'' "He is a coke-head."

And on and on. I kept drinking beer and listening and looking. It was probably not a night I would tell my therapist about. I tuned out as the two of them kept talking. Scotty was busy filling orders as more dudes came Suddenly, Dan got very animated and practically begged his pal to come over.

"Did you see? Beer Can is here!'

"Oh. HIM. He has the biggest dick in the state...possibly the country."

I'd read stories about guys with dicks as 'big as a beer can", but doubted the realness. No way could a penis that thick could get erect. It was an embellishment and a dumb reference that never made sense to me. Hot idea, but pure bullshit.

Beer Can was pretty average-looking. He had a nice face and a bit of a gut...but his bulge was obviously pretty big,

"What's his actual name?"

Dan grabbed my knee. "No. He's not built for amateurs. He's too experienced. And plus I heard someone say they saw him at the drugstore counter, paying for AZT. The AIDS drug. Start slower, smaller."

I couldn't help but watch Beer Can walk up to the bar, order drinks and find a spot by himself.

"He's a hair stylist. Works out of his house...and he rubs his crotch against the arms of his guy customers. One guy I know sucked his dick and he got AIDS....just from sucking him! No fucking even."

For whatever reason, I wanted to know more. And watch him. He didn't look sick.

Scotty was busy at the bar and Dan was distracted by a pretty blonde who'd come on to him. I ordered another beer (plus one). and made my way over to sit next to Beer Can. He was giving me a friendly smile as I approached. 

"Hi. I guess you're drinking alone tonight/'

"Hi. Yeah. I'm Ben. You had enough of those two bitches at the bar?"

"I'm Josh. I don't know them...it's my first time here."

"I guess they told you about me."

"Just that your nickname is 'Beer Can'."

"Still? I swear...this town sucks. I've been hearing that name as long as I've lived here."

"Is it true?"

"Not exactly. Why? Is that why you came over here?"

"Probably a little. I was just left all by myself and saw you were alone too. This is my very first time in a gay bar."

"Hell. Are you even legal to drink?"

"I am."

"What else did those vipers tell you?"

"Just that you cut hair."

"Liar. No offense. The whole city knows I have the bug."

"Yeah. I heard."

"Well, turn around and you'll see everybody looking at us." He chuckled and drank one of my beers.

"You seem like a teenager to me. And so new."

"Possibly I'm older than you think."

"Well...before I get too drunk, I'll show it to you."

"Not here. Not with all the people looking."

"Afraid?"

Damn my fear. It had held me back for so long.  "No. Not especially. I just don't to be in a show. They don't deserve to see you. Us."

"Good answer. Let's go."

"I don't think I should drive now. Let's wait."

"I'l drive. Can I come to your place? Is it far?"

"I'm only a few blocks from here. And YES, you are welcome to crash at my apartment."

"Let's go. And ignore everyone as we leave."

I didn't obey that command, and saw the whole bar watch us leave. Scotty and Dan let their jaws drop. What the fuck was I doing? Definitely not telling the therapist about this. On the walk out to the parking lot, I checked his body out a little. He was a few inches taller than me and had broader shoulders. Nice butt. I glanced down at the boots he was wearing. I'd already read that the myth of "big feet = big dick" wasn't true, but it was still always something I noticed. His shoes were large, but nothing special for a man with an alleged beer can between his legs. 

We got to his car, and he opened the passenger door for me like were going to the prom or something. I settled into the seat ad put my head back. What the hell time was it? He got in next to me.  "You're not falling asleep on m are you?"

"No. not at all. I just don't drink very often. Give me a minute. I'm gonna have some coffee when we get to my place."

Where i it?"

I gave him directions and we left. If you've ever tried to force yourself to be sober, you know it's pretty impossible. But I was determined to be smart and be aware of everything. Once we got to my apartment building, I felt a bit of fear rise in me. I knew bringing home a man with "the bug" wasn't the kind of daring thing my therapist was suggesting I do. Fuck her. She probably meant bungee jumping or something. No thanks.

Once we got inside my apartment, I noticed it smelled like dust. Maybe it was just in my head, but I lit a wildflower-scented candle anyway. 

"Nice place. It needs a woman's touch maybe. That big inflatable dinosaur is kinda cool, though. Mind if I get comfortable?"

"Make yourself at home."

He took off his shoes, socks and shirt -- leaving just his jeans on. He plopped on the couch and stretched out his legs on my coffee table.  "Damn. It's early. It's only 10 PM on a Friday night! I'm guessing it's past your bed time."

"No. Not at all. We can go back out if you want."

"We can have our own party here. Once my shoes are off, they're off for the night. Plus I've got this...." He reached inside his discarded shirt and pulled out a fat twist of paper that I assumed was weed. I had roommates in college who smoked daily. I'd never done it because I was afraid I'd get addicted. 

"I'll turn on the TV. Anything you want to watch?"

"Turn on your VCR and let me see what you last watched. Porn?"

I felt my face get warm. It wasn't porn -- it was "The Muppet Movie".

"Oh cool!  I remember seeing this a million years ago. This is perfect!"

He lit up the fatty and took some tokes. He then moved me closer to him. "It's just pot, right? Nothing else mixed in?"

"You are such a kid. You sit at home and watch muppets. Most guys are out on the weekends having sex and partying."

I took a few hits from the joint and tried to act as if I'd done it a million times before. "I'm not a kid, Ben."

"Sorry. I meant it in a good way. It's cute. Hot even."

I felt warmer and lighter...like a birthday balloon full of the devil's breath. I also was really liking being so close to his hairy chest. I took in his whole body with my eyes. His jeans were likely very new and his wide bare feet were groomed and perfect.

"You are the very first visitor I've ever had."

"I bet I'm the first man who's ever kissed you too."

"Yeah... I mean... huh? We've never ki---"

I didn't even finish my sentence before his mouth was on mine. Not  a peck or a smooch....he was opening my mouth with his and his tongue slid all over my gums and teeth. It was something I'd seen in movies, but had never imagined it happening to me. He abruptly stopped and we finished the rest of his joint. I felt myself get as hard as granite. Way out of my comfort zone and loving it. 

"I'm going to show you now. Ready?"

"Oh yeah."

"Good. Go get naked and I'll show you my 'beer can'."

I knew he expected me to get undressed in another room, but I just stripped right there in front of the muppets. "OK. I'm ready."

"Sit down next to me."

I was slightly ashamed of my hard boner. It was proof that I was horny and it was definitely not what you'd call 'a beer can'. He looked at my dick and touched it. "I guess you're not a kid after all. That's a healthy-sized cock."

"Well..thank. I want to see yous."

We kissed for a little and he stood up. He faced away from me and slid off his jeans. No underwear. His ass was perfect. Like a big ripe peach with hair in the crack. I also noticed something dark red on his back.For a second, I thought it was a tattoo, but it was actually a sore. My baked brain thought it looked like a lipstick kiss. He turned around slowly and I finally saw it. The infamous Beer Can. I was shocked. At the base near his thick pubes, it was indeed that size...but it got more normal above the middle. The head was almost like my own. He was about 3/4 of the way hard and there was a little drop of wetness on his pee hole. 

"What do you think? Want to touch it?"

"YES!"

"You can also kiss it if you want...."

I pulled him closer and greedily grabbed his huge shaft and low, furry balls. I only did that for about ten seconds before kissing the wet drops on his slit. 

"Did you really give HIV to a guy who just sucked you?"

"Oh who knows. That's what he tells people. He was a customer of mine and a terrible tipper. Why? You worried?" 

"Not at all."

"Well kiss it deeper then."

I worked my mouth and tongue all over his awesome tool. I tried to suck as much of it as I could, but didn't get very far. I was forgetting to breathe again, and getting a little dizzy. But at least he was all the way erect now. 

"Want to go to my bedroom?"

He smirked. "You sure you don't want me to sleep here on the couch?"

"Oh hell no."

"Good. I had no intention of doing that."

We left the muppets to do their thing on TV and got in bed. His body took up a lot of space, but it felt nice. My heart was racing and my brain was somewhere near one of Jupiter's moons. I turned a little lamp and just hugged him, felt him. 

"All of this is new to me, Ben. I apologize if I don't know what to do next."

"I know, baby. First thing you can do is shut up. I'll do all the talking now."

I was going to reply but kept my mouth closed.

"Second thing is to let me know if you want me to wear a condom. There are none that fit me, but you need to let me know if you to me go ahead anyway."

I stayed silent and pulled him closer. He got harder...I could feel it against my hip. "Good. This was going to happen from the minute you invited me in. You know that, right?" He arranged us so that was on all fours and kneeling like a sphinx. He started licking my ass, and then putting his tongue in my hole. Holy Shit! Never imagined this. Not once. Ever. It felt so good that I wanted to do it to him. But I was not allowed to talk.

"You probably don't have lube, right? What about lotion? Hand lotion? Vaseline?" I gestured toward the bathroom where I had some Baby Oil. He found it right away and returned.

'just try to relax as much as possible. Once I get inside you, I won't hold back. CAN'T hold back."

So he greased up his giant dick and also my anus. Everything was new and foreign. Once he started pushing the head in. though, I involuntarily yelped. He was not having that, and pushed my face into the pillow. He kept his hand on the back of my head as he slowly worked his dick into me. I screamed into the pillow, and thought I might pass out. And maybe I did for a few seconds. The next thing I knew, Ben was moving in and out of me in a smooth way. 

"Feeling good now? The first time is difficult. I want you to get some pleasure too." He kept pumping and murmuring words and half-words. i felt sweat from his upper body drip on my back. That was the end of my resistance...I just gave up and let him do his thing. He might have got the whole thing inside of me, but I wasn't fighting it. He jabbed faster and faster and then held perfectly still. He came. He was passing the bug through his giant dick. Maybe I'd get a red sore on my back someday soon. 

The movie had ended in the living room. We just lied in each others arms. And slept deeply. I dreamed about getting tattoos and other weird things.  We were a little quiet in the morning, but started warming up to our living selves after some coffee and discussion about where to eat breakfast. Ben was a fan of some egg and biscuit thing they had a Burger King. So I took him there, with his virus swimming through my body. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror with out picturing his HIV under my skin. 

We stayed together after that night He cut my hair for free and I gave him my whole life.

 

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