Taboo question to ask a poz guy?

[PozTopOnBottom]

Fascinating question, I am always curious but hesitant to ask. I’m fishing for the poz guy who has a hot story, but I realize that not everyone has the same curiosity and fetish about pozzing, or the same mindset about being pozzed. 
 

Me, I wasn’t chasing, but I wasn’t not-chasing either. I was just getting fucked and letting the cards lay where they fell.  It happened in a three-way... one of the guys got mad and took the other one aside after he came on my hole.  There was angry whispering, then I heard “but he wanted me to cum in him!” and then more angry whispering. I packed up and left and didn’t think about it until a few weeks later when I got the fuck flu.  Now I wish I had been more deliberate about it and had some kind of relationship or friendship with my pozzer.  
 

on wicked, TopVersBttm

[biobare]

52 minutes ago, PozTopOnBottom said:

Fascinating question, I am always curious but hesitant to ask. I’m fishing for the poz guy who has a hot story, but I realize that not everyone has the same curiosity and fetish about pozzing, or the same mindset about being pozzed. 
 

Me, I wasn’t chasing, but I wasn’t not-chasing either. I was just getting fucked and letting the cards lay where they fell.  It happened in a three-way... one of the guys got mad and took the other one aside after he came on my hole.  There was angry whispering, then I heard “but he wanted me to cum in him!” and then more angry whispering. I packed up and left and didn’t think about it until a few weeks later when I got the fuck flu.  Now I wish I had been more deliberate about it and had some kind of relationship or friendship with my pozzer.  
 

on wicked, TopVersBttm

That's a hot story! 

[iman2004]

I’ve often been curious but never asked. I met a total top who was poz and I commented that it was a rarity to see someone who never bottomed end up poz, and he volunteered the info, but I’m not sure I’d ask.

[TNVersGuy]

I’ve been asked that question. I simply replied: “I was going ass up for raw dick.” 

[Guest]

I've dated a few guys who are poz, I mean it doesn't take rocket since to figure that they got it some how, who am I to ask that question.  They told me after a few weeks, I cared about them even more.  We used those nasty things that covers one cock.  Sucks I wasn't chasing back then.  They would only cum in my mouth.  Some I wanted to convert me, to be closer with them.  That scared them off, after getting their Raw cocks in my butt.  Had a lot of poz friends on meds, they loved cumming in my butt.  The sex was always amazing with all of them.  They are people too, everyone needs someone at some point!  I'm not one to discriminate.   

[Guest]

On 5/15/2021 at 5:09 AM, iman2004 said:

I’ve often been curious but never asked. I met a total top who was poz and I commented that it was a rarity to see someone who never bottomed end up poz, and he volunteered the info, but I’m not sure I’d ask.

It is not a rarity for raw tops to become poz. Tops have a lower risk for getting HIV but it still can happen and it is not as rare as someone becoming poz from giving oral sex, and it is not safe sex such as mutual masturbation.

As far as asking someone who is poz how they were infected, that depends upon how well you know them, how you ask, etc.

Edited August 16, 2021 by TotalTop

[Guest]

On 5/15/2021 at 9:11 AM, TNVersGuy said:

I’ve been asked that question. I simply replied: “I was going ass up for raw dick.” 

Yeah that is how most bottom/vers guys get pozzed. 

[partying.hard]

It depends on the setting. If they are into poz sex, or were chasing, It’s all part of the fantasy and the fetish and the turn on. I’m very much an exhibitionist and voyeur, visually and verbally, so I get off talking about it and hearing about it.

[Shotsfired]

Context matters. 

Most of the time people ask the question because of being lazy/bored, fetishizing,  uneducated, judgemental,  using status privilege or for narcissistic info gathering to use later. 

It's a lazy question for people who don't want to learn how to protect themselves by getting on PrEP, using condoms,  or practicing abstinence.  The sense of entitlement that it's someone else's job to keep a negative person safe by status sharing may be backed up by law, but its lazy.  It also can be the type of lazy question you see ... kind of like "Are you the 'boy' or the 'girl' in your relationship?" 

Some people literally will ask that question as small talk in conversation. " My cousin lived in san francisco in the nineteen eighties. He got the aids and died. You lived there too didn't you? Did you get the aids? Bored people will stop at nothing.

Not all but some HIV positive people have a lot of trauma around their diagnosis. They may have been cheated on by a former partner. They may have had a former partner/loved one die of the same illness.  If they received treatment early on in the HIV epidemic, they might have some physical things that they're embarrassed about and don't want pointed out, because it makes them feel self conscious. Some people have been rejected badly by a lot of people due to the diagnosis. People who are HIV positive in smaller communities and rural communities have way more stigma and have a lot of fear with that question. There's a million reasons to have trauma around this diagnosis from social   to legal scars to stigma to loneliness. Maybe they don't want constantly reminded of it. If you do ask the question without a good reason be prepared for a trauma response that could include anger, shame, silence, or just walking away if their isn't enough resilience built up. 

Anytime you fetishize the other whether its  because of race, ethnicity, gender,  age,   or health concern it potentially does damage. Many black men have stopped putting their statistics on online profiles regarding top or bottom preference and penis size, because of the objectification that happens due to the term BBC, which is just another way for the white men to commodify black bodies. It's really dismissive of black men who bottom, imagine what it does to man of color to find out his perceived value by some self-centered white bottom is solely based on the BBC label. Black men are so much more than one part of their body, and even if you don't mean to hurt anyone by using that label it goes into the collective conscious and gains weight.  The way POZ men are labeled as unclean (same vernacular as drug addicts), toxic (poisonous),  wasted away, rapey, stealthy, creatures hiding in the shadows, bathroom stalls and bathhouses ready to taint the pure at heart niave innocent negative bottoms in stories are dangerous yet sexy and fucking hot, but it doesn't reflect real life. Not all poz guys know how they got it, or just had bad luck.  And the majority of the HIV disclosure mistakes I have witnessed in real life have been due to fear of criminalization, not knowing when the right time to disclose in a new dating sutuation, missing the tipping point and getting stuck or simple communication errors. Putting all the ethical responsibility on the stigmatized party to disclose a medical diagnosis in highly sexual and emotional relationship with high legal and reputational stakes has been a disaster. My friend was devestated when a guy he was crushing on asked him to knock him up with his toxic death babies. Its hot on the page, but reductive and offensive outside of very specific websites, playspaces, fetish areas unless the Poz individual has publicly or personally flagged interest. They may have feelings for you,  and asking them to Poz you is asking them to cause you permanent health harm, both physical and emotional. 

If you are educated about HIV, you will more likely ask someone if they are on PrEP or undetectable. If you start with the "poz" label, its a very big red flag that you can't use Google and want someone else to educate you. Its not our job. We are tired. Watch a YouTube video.

Sometimes asking a poz person if they are positive comes across as slut shaming or status shaming. Like if you find out that somebody goes to a certain gay bar or goes to a certain bathhouse and you automatically ask them if they're positive that's kind of like saying "you got raped because you wore that slutty outfit. "

If you're on apps like Grindr or Scruff and you ask someone if they're HIV+, and they tell you the truth, say thank you. It's a really difficult question to answer for someone online that you don't know  without any meaningful confirmation that you're a real person. Especially in small communities where politics or professional stakes are involved, the HIV positive person is really going out on limb to be honest. The very least you can do say thank you. What happens often is immediate blocking, shaming comments, or the silent treatment. And often it's done by insensitive negative guys who are just randomly scatter asking people before they really have a right to know. 

Our local community health official that refers newly HIV positive people to medical clinics after diagnosis  has repeatedly shared clients HIV stats to damage people he feels threatened by. His non-profit covers 11 counties and HIPAA has not been enforced. Grindr sold status to data brokers. Its a serious threat that narcissists will use.  

One size does not fit all. I do not speak for all poz people. It's different for everybody. Some poz guys will care some won't.  I personally am not offended by it if asked for the right reasons. If it's asked out of love by someone who wants to know your experience it's okay. If it's a sexual partner who needs to know it's okay to ask. You need  an honest answer. If it's someone in your life who helps you with your health care like a medical professional or family member. It's okay to ask. If someone has main lined your blood it's okay to ask. Just be careful not to out or  spotlight Poz people to people without a good reason.  

Its called HIV "status" for a reason. It separates us from our peers as a less desirable class of gay people. I didn't select the term, but I know how dominant groups use it to elevate themselves.

[leatherpunk16]

I've certainly asked my scene partners about their experience living with HIV. I think it comes down to HOW you ask - if they volunteer their status, it's not really being nosy. It's disclosure, which is proper. There's also context, and everybody's story is different. For me, I think the correct way is to ask in person so the inflections of voice may be heard. Texting and Grindr do not offer this possibility unless you are sending recorded voice messages, which can be rather impersonal and like talking to a wall. 

I enquired with my scene partners if they feel comfortable sharing their story, their experience. One guy got it completely by accident - he went and had some fun too soon after doing a modification to his body and came in contact with infected blood. Another one's boyfriend lied to him about his status. And another got it from a downward spiral of drug use, whoring around, and not caring who seeded him. 

If they aren't comfortable, don't pry. If they are, listen and be prepared to offer a sympathetic ear. And certainly don't go to a place of judgment, even if they say it was their own damn fault. One guy who told me his story broke down in tears because he hates that it turned out that way. And he was still struggling with the result at the time we were getting to know each other even though years had passed.