Nephew Came Out

[sthrnguy]

This is not a sexual prurient post.  This is real life, and I need some advice.  I realize here might not be the best place, but I’ve seen plenty of good advice here through the years.  A few weeks ago my nephew came out, he’s 19 and an adult, so it’s his business.  The issue here is this: first, my brother put him out of the house (my parents are letting him stay with them); second, my brother runs the family business, and my nephew works there; finally, since the family business pays for his phone, my brother goes through it every week (he has no privacy).  He can’t move in with my partner and I because he has a huge truck payment and no work experience outside of the family business.  My question is how much should I intervene?  I’ve thought about getting him an iPad so that he could have some privacy.  Is that going too far?  I remember being 19, scared af, and in that toxic climate.  I hate to see him going through the same thing 25 years later.  Any ideas appreciated.

[Bbpally]

You say he can't move in with you and your partner because he has a huge truck payment and no experience....  Why does that stop him from moving in with you?   If it's financially, because you have a paying roomie right now, I get it.  If it's lease restrictions I get it.  But if it's because he won't be able to pay rent AND you two don't really need it.... That's a little messed up.   You may not want to commit to taking care of him, financially forever, but it sounds like you were in a toxic situation before and know what that looks and feels like, and the damage that can cause.  Intervene if you can because if you don't he will remember it.  

Set some guidelines.  Treat him like an adult, but an adult that needs to learn respect and responsibility.  Guide him and help him find a way out of the toxic family business.  And help him eventually find an apartment he will be able to afford on his own.  Even if that means letting the truck go to find something more affordable.  (That is a part of life after all).  And if he doesn't want the help, then you tried.  And he will remember that too.  

[sthrnguy]

3 minutes ago, Bbpally said:

You say he can't move in with you and your partner because he has a huge truck payment and no experience....  Why does that stop him from moving in with you?   If it's financially, because you have a paying roomie right now, I get it.  If it's lease restrictions I get it.  But if it's because he won't be able to pay rent AND you two don't really need it.... That's a little messed up.   You may not want to commit to taking care of him, financially forever, but it sounds like you were in a toxic situation before and know what that looks and feels like, and the damage that can cause.  Intervene if you can because if you don't he will remember it.  

Set some guidelines.  Treat him like an adult, but an adult that needs to learn respect and responsibility.  Guide him and help him find a way out of the toxic family business.  And help him eventually find an apartment he will be able to afford on his own.  Even if that means letting the truck go to find something more affordable.  (That is a part of life after all).  And if he doesn't want the help, then you tried.  And he will remember that too.  

It’s not on our end.  We wouldn’t charge him rent at all, but between his truck payment and the insurance it comes to about $900 per month.  I advised him not to purchase said truck at his age.  He has never left the Deep South and we live 900 miles away in a city (where he lives, the nearest neighbor is miles away).  He’s going to have to walk away on his own, I want to help but at the same time I don’t want have all hell break loose.  We have invited him to come and stay for a week when he has some time off and see if he likes it.  If he can figure out his finances he knows he can stay here free.  At this point I just want him to at least have some privacy and to stop numbing his issues with alcohol and weed (both of which he has admitted to using in vast quantities over the last few months).  I guess my hope is that he will come stay a week and realize that he can have a life outside of the bubble he’s in.  Thanks for your opinion, I appreciate the advice.

[RubberAustria]

Is this question so difficult? Help him. Support him. His Dad is a run down ashole as fuck. No need to talk about trucks and so on. Offer him a bed, food-  and most important: love and acceptance. His dad failed. I only hope that piece of shit  is perfect. Maybe your brother should move to Afghanistan. Is this the world he wants to live in?

[backdoorjimmy]

1 hour ago, sthrnguy said:

This is not a sexual prurient post.  This is real life, and I need some advice.  I realize here might not be the best place, but I’ve seen plenty of good advice here through the years.  A few weeks ago my nephew came out, he’s 19 and an adult, so it’s his business.  The issue here is this: first, my brother put him out of the house (my parents are letting him stay with them); second, my brother runs the family business, and my nephew works there; finally, since the family business pays for his phone, my brother goes through it every week (he has no privacy).  He can’t move in with my partner and I because he has a huge truck payment and no work experience outside of the family business.  My question is how much should I intervene?  I’ve thought about getting him an iPad so that he could have some privacy.  Is that going too far?  I remember being 19, scared af, and in that toxic climate.  I hate to see him going through the same thing 25 years later.  Any ideas appreciated.

I'm sure it means the world to him that you care. Maybe his best move is to let the truck go and focus on building a life where he can make his own way. I know that's easy to say from the sidelines, but his dad sounds like a dumpsterfire. Sorry for crap talking your brother, but his actions make me sick to my stomach.

As for getting him an iPad, can you get him a phone instead? That way he can make calls and tests without his dad knowing who he's communicating with? At 19, it's really no one's business but his.

[Ieatcumholes]

Of course you can give your nephew whatever gift you want! That's between your nephew and you. If his dad doesn't like it, too bad. I agree that a phone would be more practical than an iPad at that age.

You don't mention it, but assuming you are out to your brother, what is your relationship with him like? Can you talk to your brother or will that just inflame the situation?

As others have said, let your nephew know you're there for him. As you've "been there, done that" have you discussed your experiences with him?

[bareback-flipflop]

I don’t understand exactly that part of your question “how much “. As much as you can and want. You wrote that you hated to see the torture replayed. Then giving him an iPad is good for the beginning but only temporary solution. What he really need is help for escaping him from the toxic atmosphere his dad offers and from (as far as I know hopeless - sorry if I hurt somebody) Deep South.  If you can’t or don’t want (it’s not a shame, it’s totally understandable if you don’t want it) to host him, help him to find job and work. He don’t need work experience, he can start in a mall as a cleaner or goods charger or as a worker in a gay sauna, whatever. I’m sure that there are NGOs for helping guys like him, so you can contact them. You know your possibilities in terms of financial and personal resources. 
However, you have to take into account that your help can cause turbulence in your relationship with your family. If it still matters. 

[backdoorjimmy]

2 hours ago, sthrnguy said:

The issue here is this: first, my brother put him out of the house (my parents are letting him stay with them); second, my brother runs the family business, and my nephew works there; finally, since the family business pays for his phone, my brother goes through it every week (he has no privacy).

Something else. If it's a family business that employs him, he can file suit against the company if they fire him or subject him to a toxic workplace. He should go straight to the EEOC if they pull anything with his job. I know it's not ideal since they're family, but if they go there, he should too.

[ErosWired]

Precarious.

He’s 19, the perfect age for making godawful life decisions based on no wisdom, not enough knowledge, and a sense of personal immortality. He’s already jumped in the water over his head with A) a vehicle he has no business owning at his age; B) drugs and alcohol in excess; and C) coming out in an situation that he had to know would not be receptive - he’s got to be treading water.

One thing you can be sure of: He does not know what to do. He hasn’t got enough life under his belt to know how to begin to cope with all this. You, on the other hand, are somewhat more seasoned. If you’ve dealt with personal trauma, you’re considerably more seasoned. He needs good advice in a Come-To-Jesus sort of way, and he’s not going to get it from his dad. He’s eventually going to listen to somebody, because he’s going to need guidance, and the person he turns to may or may not have his best interests at heart, especially if he ends up on the street (I presume there’s an issue with remaining with the grandparents).

You also don’t mention what stance your parents are taking on all this aside from taking the young man in. It might help us better advise you if you could elaborate on this. It would also help if you could describe your relationship with your brother, which would give us a better handle on how he might react to perceived interference/intervention/buttinskyism on your part. Certainly the young man should have a phone that isn’t under his father’s surveillance. He’s legally an adult and his father has no business monitoring his interactions with other people.

 

[BlindRawFucker1]

He is living with his grandparents—your parents.  Do they know the whole situation?

 

Your brother “runs” the family business, does he “own” it?

 

If nothing else, your nephew can get a prepaid phone.

 

Help him as much as you can.  Talk to your parents, if they know what’s going on, and have them attempt to talk some sense into your brother.

 

Who all in the family really knows what is happening?

[Close2MyBro]

Man, this is tough. I really don't have a lot of answers, but I think the first think you need to do is let him know that not everyone thinks the way his dad does. I've never understood how anyone can throw their kids out of the house for being gay. He shouldn't be afraid of being who he is, regardless of what his dad or anyone else things or feels about it. I also suggest that as others have said, he needs some kind of reality check about his current situation. Having a large truck payment is a burden he really doesn't need right now, he should probably consider finding something more affordable so he has some financial leeway. It seems that he's still working in the family business, so at least he has that going for him now until he can figure out some of the rest of his situation and determine if he needs to find work elsewhere. I know you want him to have some privacy, but that may be something that needs to be sacrificed for now until he can get some stability first. Help him as best you can as he navigates the road of life but don't jeopardize you own life for the sake of his, there's no sense in two people going down, one is enough. 

[UKFFBBBtm]

Whose name is the car in? If its his Dad's because he was only 17 when he got it, then tell him to leave it the truck for his dad to pay for. 

Drive down there and rescue him, he's 19, homeless, gay and living in the deep south, you really want him to stay there?

[NLbear]

Of course I don't know you and your partner's situation but, if you can, take him under your wings until he can fly on his own. You say you live 900 miles away in a city. He's 19 and working in the family business. That tells he doesn't have much of an education except HS. Correct? I think there are always jobs to find he could do and make a living for himself. Even if it's not what he's used to or knows. I don't know about the US but here the job market is screaming for manual workers. And have him sell the truck. He doesn't need one in a city.

Plus he's 19 and has just come out in an environment (and place where he lives now) where he won't find much support or guidance. This is much better in a city with support groups. Without being his 'parent' you can give him advice from the sidelines. And as soon he can support himself he can move out and start his own life. 

I know this is very easy to say from the sidelines but that is what I would do.

 

[ErosWired]

3 hours ago, NLbear said:

Plus he's 19 and has just come out in an environment (and place where he lives now) where he won't find much support or guidance. This is much better in a city with support groups.

One thing I will say about the notion of transplanting the young man: The OP gives no detail about the type of community the boy lives in except that it’s in the rural Deep South, nor about his own, except that it’s an urban area 900 miles away (this would put it in the latitude of New England, Detroit, Chicago, Minneapolis - in short, the territory of the damn yankees from the cultural perspective of a rural southerner. Add to that the culture shock of going from a very rural locale to immersion in an urban milieu, and the necessary amount of coping needed just to adjust to those changes may be a lot to expect given everything that’s currently on his plate.

That’s not to say he might not thrive in such a new environment. Some rise to the occasion. Others don’t. The OP likely knows him well enough to guess how well he might adapt to a radical change of lifestyle 900 miles away from any friends he has. It’s a bit of a risk because the brain of a young person does not fully develop its full logical, rational, risk-assessing capacity until around the mid-20s, and faced with a set of crisis points and a range of new and unfamiliar options that may include avenues for exploring sex, drugs and other undesirable coping mechanisms that were not available to him in his rural setting, transplanting him might put him in a position to make choices that worsen his condition rather than improve it.

 I don’t see how the OP could ‘take him under his wing’ at this juncture without, as we in the South say, ‘taking him to raise’. He may be legally an adult, but he’s not fully cooked yet. If the OP takes him in 900 miles away from all his other possible connections, it seems to me that the OP then takes on a Duty of Care that may or may not be more of a responsibility than he intends to take on. 

[hntnhole]

Very sorrowful (yet interesting) post.  Much of the suggestions boil down to:

1.  Get him outta there.  Milwaukee is the largest city in WI, and a major metro area.  If nothing else, send him a bus ticket and have lunch at Mader's when he arrives.  He's going to have to deal with starting over, and if you can offer him shelter in that storm, kudos !!  He's also going to need a productive use of his time.  

2..  Ditch the truck, no matter who's name it's in,  He can't afford it, and it'll be a life-lesson in financial self-reliance. Until he gets on a firm footing, a used VW will do.  

3.  Your brother will no doubt cut ties with you too.  If that's a tear-dropper, go ahead, and then move on.  Bad, negative people aren't a positive influence, and best to be done with them.  I've had to cut some extended family loose, and they're the only ones who lost out.  

4.  I'm not familiar with Southern tradition, but helping out a 19 year old nephew when he's in a tough spot doesn't mean "taking him to raise" to non-Southerners.  That implies him being a minor, which he isn't.  It's entirely reasonable that a colloquialism might mean different things in different parts of the country, but he's reached his majority now, and needs a helping hand, not a place to "grow up" in.  Offer him the first, but not the second.  

5.  Skip the frills.  A phone is completely reasonable, but an ipad?  Is that necessary?  The essentials are what your nephew needs right now - a place to stay, food to eat, and a non-judgemental, supportive environment.  He needs a rock to lean on, as he learns to navigate in the real world.  

All of this said, he's an adult now, and depending on how he responds to the help offered will determine what kind of man he becomes in a short while.  Unless he makes bad or silly choices, he should definitely be offered "shelter in the storm".  It's wonderful that you and your other half are in a position to help, and we're all sending you our very best wishes. 

Good luck !!