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I had been talking to a guy online for about two months before this point. Let's call him Tom. Tom had a profile on BBRT NKP and here on breeding zone. I had been wanting to experiment with chemsex for about 6 months before I left for the states, I had been watching some videos to see what the deal was. I believe it was this site that introduced me to the concept, before hand I had no idea about meth use in the gay community(or a subsection of the gay community) but I had it in my head that if I was to try it, it should be in America(where I could get away with it). Plus it seemed to be more available over in the states. What I was looking for was tough, a top who was willing to introduce someone to Tina for the first time who also was hiv negative. This may not seem like much. But first of all nobody seemed to even respond to me on NKP(maybe they were too high) I was beginning to this it was an online ghost town, or that perhaps my account was broken. After searching for some time, I found two profiles that matched the requirements, a neg Top, who can administer. I messaged both guys. One replied "Any pics?" I sent him some pics of me, including a face pic. "Hmmm any more pics?" He wasn't sure. A little disappointing. The next guy I message replies "I would love to meet". However plans changed and we didn't get to meet for quite some time(scheduling conflicts). This was a good thing in some respect. We managed to talk a little more and I felt comfortable this was an honest and open guy, he was in his 40's and seemed mature, extremely attractive, and sexually right up my street. He asked for porn vids that I found hot so he had an idea of what I was into. He liked these very much. We eventually arranged to meet a little over one week before I was set to leave. He was situated up the top of Manhattan and told me to meet him around 9pm. I took the train up, then hopped a cab to his place. A nice apartment complex. I don't remember feeling nervous. Strange really, I felt more nervous walking into a gay bar, or sucking off my first New Yorker, but this, what would be the most extreme thing I was about to partake in, and I felt eerily calm. I also remember thinking very calmly "I could die here" just before I pressed the buzzer. He unlocks the door from his room upstairs, I'm not told what room number or floor he is on, but the second I step in I get a text. "Be right down, have to get something from the basement" I wait in the foyer. Probably a good time to mention my previous experience with drugs. Tried ecstasy a handful of times, first two times were great, the rest sucked. Cocaine 3 times previously, got absolutely nothing from it(became quiet and fidgety) and weed on a handful of occasions. In no way was I a drug user, never partied and played, with the exception of weed with two guys in NYC. So why I was actually doing this I have no idea. But I'm hoping it's good. Tom comes down to meet me, and we both head to the laundry room where he empties the machine. He seems rushed, I spend my time examining him as he does his laundry. His head is shaved(bald), he has a grey goatee, very handsome masculine look, dressed in a tank top and sweatpants, he's in good shape. He really is a perfect match. Perfect Daddy. I wonder if he's high already, but I think he isn't How will he be with me, what will I do when I'm high? "Positive thoughts" I keep telling myself in my head. Positive thoughts. We enter his apartment, it's nice, big, he leads me to the bedroom. A large bed is covered with rubber sheets, to the left of the bed on the floor is a large duffel bag, filled with all kinds of sex toys. To the right is a computer and desk, on the desk lay some syringes. Now my heart starts to race a little. "Do you want to have a look through the toys?" "Sure". He shows me his collection, rubber cock and ball rings, rubber anal inserts, large buttplugs(one shaped like a sperm), sounds kit(makes me wince), rope, cuffs, things that I couldn't even identify. "That's an impressive collection" I say, wide-eyed. "Yeah. So I'm thinking we get you in a harness" He instructs me to take my clothes off. Then he puts the harness on me and tightens it. I feel infinitely sexier. I've never worn a harness before or since, but it felt great. He began to explain the benefits of said harness. "So when I'm fucking you I can just grab it like this, and pull you towards me" he says as he demonstrate by grabbing the shoulder straps and pulling me towards him, this makes me horny. "Hmm, a rubber jockstrap." He then takes a jockstrap from his bag, again, I've never worn one before this. It fits well and covers up that dick of mine. I'm slowly being transformed into his toy, there is only one thing left. He talks me through the whole experience, what it will feel like, how he preps the meth by pouring hot water until the crystals have fully dissolved, etc etc. He then shows me about 4 or 5 videos of slamming, and explains what the person might be feeling. "Ok so are you ready?" "Have you ever done this with someone for the first time?" "No, never introduced anyone" I sit on the cold rubber bed, he props two pillows behind my back. "Hmm, hang on." He goes to the bag, and takes out two of those, I actually don't know what they are called. Like small leather hoods that go over your hands. and leather cuffs. He loosely ties me to the bed. ​"It'll be interesting to have you tied up for your first slam" My heart starts to pound faster, the nerves are coming in hard and fast. Should I look at the needle going in? Maybe not. Everything will be fine. He holds the needle up to the bedside lamp. "They're full dissolved, see? Let's see how hard it is to find a vein." He runs his finger over the inside of my elbow, a vein comes up immediately. He then puts on the tourniquet and waits a few seconds. Wipes my arm with a pad and sticks the needle into my vein. He pulls back I look, see red inside the needle, then look away. "Ok. Now tell me if you feel any burning or stinging in your arm." I look again, he slowly pushes the plunger until the meth is inside me. He then snaps off the tourniquet and looks at me. I feel nothing. He gives me a look as if to ask how I feel. "Nothing?" I say, smiling nervously. He looks in disbelief. "Nothing?" "Nope" "Are you sure?" "Yeah I don't feel anything" "Hmm, that's crazy. Maybe I didn't give you enough" He turns around to look at the syringes on his desk. I let out a nervous laugh. "Maybe if I moved around a little" I say as I bend my arm up and down(as much as it will go with the restraint) Then I feel a sudden tingle in my legs, reminiscent of the first time I tried E(which I was the last to come up on then too), then BAM! This indescribable rush goes through me, my breathing becomes heavy and I blow out a long shaky "woah" I look at Tom, he seems excited. "OK....nowitsworking" I say in a short burst. I start to feel myself and wish these restraints vanished. I start to feel as if I could make them disappear if I really wanted to. Tom sees me squirming in ecstasy on the bed. "Now I know it's working." He then turns around and straps up his arm and gets ready to slam himself. I writhe around feeling everything with my body, everything tingles in such an amazing way. This is too good for words. I'm loving this, nothing has happened yet and I'm loving it already, I think of a thousand scenarios of what will happen throughout the night in the space of a second or two. My mind is well and truly fucked! It's very hard to focus on anything, everything has a shudder effect. I hear Tom exhaling heavily I look over and he's whipping of the strap from around his arm. "Fuck" "Fuck" I say almost at the same time. He seems very controlled, I don't know how he does it. "Do you have sensitive nipples?" "Not really" I answer. "You will". He then straps two sucking cups to my nipples and pumps them until they stick. "Thank you so much for this" I gush, I feel forever in his debt. I become overtly grateful and complimentary, he smiles knowing it's the drugs doing their work. He also becomes very talkative, he asks me about the first time I had sex. He raps my legs around his waist and I start to grind against him as I describe my first time. "Tonight will be a night of firsts" He tells me in that calm and hushed voice. For some reason we both feel the need to half whisper to each other. "Ok let's get these off" He removes my restraints as I thank him again for being so generous to have me over and get me high. He thanks me for coming. "God if we met earlier? I'd send you home stupid". After some talking, he takes my head and buries it into his armpit. I lap away at it as he moans. He takes the suction cups from my nipples and twists them as I start to suck on his. I still don't feel sensation in my nipples, however the rush from the meth was too much to notice if I did. This was perhaps the most sexually confident I had ever felt, I had to constantly remind myself, this is actually happening. I move down to work his cock. He tells me to suck it hard, so I do,gripping with my like and sucking down on his soft veiny dick to the balls, he grabs both balls and pushes them against my mouth "open" I try to accommodate for both cock and balls but it proves too hard, even though his cock is only semi erect, his balls are far too big. I settle for one ball and a dick in the back of my throat, my mouth is stuffed. He likes the feeling as I gag and retch. Eyes water, stomach knots, body squirms. Next I take both his balls in my mouth which is another mouth-filling task, his dick lays on my face with his wet helmet resting on my right eye. I feel like a good little slut. He tells me to smell his dick, which smells of precum. After sucking his dick some more it becomes hard enough to fuck with. He puts a rubber cock ring and ball separator on himself and tells me lie back. I put my legs in the air and present my hole for fucking. "No." he says. "Put your feet here" he motions to his chest. I place both feet on his chest and he slides his cock into my ass. At first my hole rejects him, pushing him out when he gets into a rhythm. It's the Tina, it has made my ass tighten up. However, I have an idea. I get up and take out a bottle of poppers out of my bag and lay back on the bed. "Maybe if you choke me" I suggest. He places his open palm against my neck, just under my Adam's apple, then moves up and down to find the strongest pulse. I take a huff of my poppers and raise one hand in the air(this is a safety technique I use at first with some guys, when the hand drops, I'm out and they should let go. Any longer and it could become quite dangerous). He presses down, not too hard, but enough to make my feet tingle. Everything goes tunnel vision. I'm back in Ireland doing something menial or talking to a friend or something. All of a sudden a man's face appears from nowhere, then a room behind him, where am I? Confusion. I feel a heavy tingling and something moving in and out of my hole. It has a similar feeling to pins-and-needles. Then I remember where I really am, in an apartment in New York, high on meth, being fucked unconscious by a complete stranger who could have killed me with little effort. The rush of realization is incredible. My breathing becomes heavy "Wow! Oh my God" He leads in to make out with me, his dick is now in my ass without me pushing it out. "Did you have a little dream, baby?" "Yeah, how long was I out" "Only about 5 seconds, don't worry." He fucks me harder and although his cock isn't rock hard it feels incredible. I could feel the rubber of the cock ring against my hole. I wanted everything he had inside me. "I think I can get my balls in you" he lets out in a grunt as he thrusts back and forth. "Yeah?" I ask with some scepticism, the drugs have taken away any pain the fucking may have caused, but it in no way made my ass wider, in fact it had a tightening effect on my hole. This problem was solved with a little force, or a nice choke-out. "Yeah, I think so. Hang on." He rolls me back so my ass is in the air, he then stands over me and squats down. I feel him pushing against my hole and decide to push out, hoping it will let him in. This works and he pushes his balls inside me. He pulls them out "Oh fuck" he lets out in pleasure. He pushes just his balls into my hole a few more times, dipping them in and out until it becomes easy. He then pushes his sloppy cock into my widened hole, followed by both balls. Everything is inside me. It has to be the best feeling I've ever had during sex, it's incredibly hard to describe that pleasure, knowing you're connected to another man by both his cock and balls, they fit tightly into your hole. You are being completely used as a place for him to rest his dick and balls. The feeling of his pelvis pushing against your ass, knowing there is nothing further that can go in, he is as deep in you as he can possibly go. Amazing! I feel with my hands to ensure everything is in. I rub his taint while he grinds against me. He stops moving, but I continue to grind in a circular motion, churning my insides with his balls and dick. "Hold still" he tells me, he looks focussed and stares into the distance. "You feel that?" "Nope" "I'm pissing inside you" "Oh fuck!" I concentrate on the feeling, a tingling in my lower back, I'm being used as this guy's urinal. "Ugh, it's hard to piss in this position". He only pees a little in me before slowly pulling his balls and cock out of my piss-filled whole, he keeps me propped up with one hand. "Don't move boy. Fuck yeah" he spits in my gaping hole. Then reaches into his bag of toys for a large butt-plug. He spits on it, and pushes it against my ass lips, it's not going in as easy as it should. He calmly instructs me to breath in and out, eventually the rubber plug slides right in, filling my ass completely. After about 30 minutes of playing, I go to the toilet to take out the plug and push out the piss. I feel very wobbly on my feet but very happy also. I notice that when the plug comes out there is no more piss up my ass. I feel around to check. Either my ass has absorbed the little piss there was, or it's gone a lot deeper than I can reach. The next few hours become a blur. I get slammed again which is so much stronger than the first, I cough and it hits me like a euphoria freight train. This turns Tom on greatly. We make out more, fuck, suck toys and attempted fisting. He could slide four fingers but not past the knuckle. I found it extremely hard to concentrate on what was going on, everything spun and shuttered, I felt fantastic, almost a state of frenzy. When Tom is on top of me he sweats so much it dribbles down onto my face and chest, almost like a tap. Our sweat has a distinct smell, a chemical smell because of the meth. He takes me to the shower to cool off. I check the time and hours have gone by. It's about 10.00am the next day. "My boyfriend will be home soon" What? Oh no, "is this going to get awkward?" I think. I say nothing. "It's ok though, we could always go to the bathhouse" First time for everything. I let him know I'm up for this adventure and he tells me to get dressed and meet him at the nearby subway, while he cleans up and gets dressed. I walk to the nearest subway, it's a hot day out and people are up walking to work. I'm very aware of my movements, not to act like a tweaker. He eventually meets me and we head towards the bathhouse. It's not long until we are there. I'm becoming paranoid that people will know I'm high. Tom seems fine. We get our locker key and head to our room. After stripping, I head to the locker with our clothes. To large black men check me out in my jockstrap(given to me by Tom) the place seems pretty empty, which doesn't surprise me given the time. I put away my stuff and head back to our booth/room. I'm tingling all over and moving faster than usual. I get in and Tom lunges at me, jamming his tongue down my throat and shoving his fingers up my hole. I turn to liquid in his arms, the feeling is very hot. He has a small bag of toys with him. He takes out a large metal buttplug. It's very wide, "Guess where this is going" he says as he slaps it against the palm of his hand. "No way" "Get on all fours" I climb onto the bed on all fours. He squirts some lube onto the top of the plug, then pushes against my ass. I feel there is know way this will fit. I try to push out to open my ass up. "Breath, relax." He instructs. It's hard to do so, even though there is no pain at this point(from the drugs) I'm still nervous of damaging my ass. I breath in and out. Then take a big hit of poppers and repeat. I feel it enter my hole, it begins to hurt. "Damn, is this nearly in" I think to myself, then my ass retracts. "It's in" he tells me, before leaning in to gently kiss my ass cheek and tell me "good boy". He slaps the base of the plug and every time he does is sends an extremely pleasurable shiver up through my insides. He lays me back on the bed and spreads his ass cheeks. "Stick out your tongue" I do, then he sits down hard on my mouth. I work my tongue slowly up and down he asshole, trying hard to push my tongue deep. He lets out a series of moans and groans to indicate he loves the sensation. He then grabs the back of my head and really pushes me into his hole. He wants me to go deeper and I can feel his hole pushing out against as my tongue slides deeper. My tongue is stretched out to the point of pain, but knowing the pleasure it gives him causes me to endure it. This goes on for a few minutes(with a few air breaks) before he lifts his hot ass from my face. He hands me down a rubber butt plug. "I want you to put this up my ass" "Can you pass me the lube?" "No just use spit" He opens my mouth and slides the plug all the way down to the end, I gag, he pushes further, fucking my throat with the plug. This gets him off. He sits on the end of the plug and forces it down my throat with his ass. I'm now being smothered and choked. I cough up some spit. and he takes the plug out and turns it around, facing his hole. I take it off of him and push. It takes some force and I worry about hurting him, but he seems to be fine. It eventually goes up his hole. I smack the end of it as he done with my and he groans in ecstasy. We make out for a while with plugs up our asses, I then go to give him a blowjob. After some time sucking his semi-flaccid cock I feel it's time to take the plug out. I leave our room to walk to the toilets. I get a few propositions on the way, but ignore them in a chemmed out haze. I enter one of the cubicles and try to push out the plug. This is more difficult and painful than getting it in. I finally manage to pull the metal plug from my insides and the thing is hot. Really hot. Hard to hold. I have to run it under a cold tap before I can carry it back to the room. By the time I get back he has jerked his cock hard. And places me on all fours before fucking me for quite some time. "Shit I've got to go to work soon" I wonder how he can even think of working, as my mind is so confused and fried from the meth, I could barely see straight. I guess this guy is well used to this kind of activity. This worries me slightly. Maybe all isnt as it seems with him. He edges himself with my ass a number of times but is too uptight to cum. "Wanna meet me later on, say 7pm?" "Ok". We both head to the showers. As we wash up he tells me "I think I have to piss" "Can I drink it" "Sure, get down there." I get down on my knees and open up. He shoots hard, like a fire-hose down my throat. It tastes extremely strong but I swallow every drop. As we walk back to our room to get dressed it hits me hard. It had totally slipped my mind that his piss was filled with strong chems, and it sent me flying high. "You feel it?" He asks me in a hushed tone. It really tickles him that I'm high as a kite in public. We get dressed and leave the bathhouse. I get home(somehow) and try to get some sleep. This is impossible. I am shaking like a leaf and sweating buckets. I go to the bathroom to have a cold shower. I look in the mirror. My face frightens me, it looks so different to what I usually see. There is a deadness in my eyes. I try not to focus on it, and shower and change. By the time this is done it's almost time to head out the door again. I get to Tom's apartment again, his eyes are red. He looks like he's just shot up. "Hey baby, come in" I come in and undress. "Ready for another slam?"

One personal motto, words I live by, is a quote by James Clavell: “How beautiful life is and how sad! How fleeting, with no past and no future, only a limitless now.” A bit morbid perhaps, but the man has a point: now is all we have, now is beauty or pain you will never see or feel again, just as you’ll never swim in the same river twice. Tomorrow is a hope that may or may not be rewarded. That, in a nutshell, is why I seroconverted; not by accident, a matter of deliberate choice, at a time and place of my choosing. Bugchasing is the generally used term, inadequate to the questions behind the act, the borders it draws and choices it makes possible or necessary. The only accidental factor common to us all at this writing, in 2014, is the one of living in the era of the virus; there was a time before, presumably there will be a time after. The question it poses today is how much power we give it, how broadly its dominion of fear is allowed to extend; to what degree we let it wither what love we may find, to cripple our souls. Not for me. The stereotypical condom break, or a youthful indiscretion gone awry, some meaningless accident were for long, too long, all I saw in my future. Long before I took up what we, inadequately in my view, now call barebacking. The implication is of the practice as something new, therefore in need of new language; it’s not. Raw is a default to the historic norm. Normal. Two men using antiquated birth control does sound rather odd, doesn’t it? So I pre-empted the inevitable, and still jack off to the memory to this day. I traded a slightly longer life for one shorter but painted in more vivid colors. My answer need not be yours, but it is simple: I have sex with no protection for either party, receptive sex mostly, am HIV+ as well, and those, my kind sir, are the terms of engagement. If you don’t like them, by all means and Godspeed, this not being a negotiation, go find some other man to fuck. My life, on my terms, by my rules, Honi Soit Qui Mal Y Pense. And I know there’s a price to pay, nothing worth having is ever free. Meanwhile I savor the sheer gorgeous beauty of every day. Almost continually I discover something new and dazzling here in this greatest of cities, in the unmapped landscapes of the soul, in the wonder that is the male body. I don’t have sex nearly as often as people believe – call it the marriage penalty – when I do, it tends to be spectacular. If it’s public, about even odds there, likely something more, a spectacle. Think theatricality with a chemical booster shot. Some people treat sex as mystical, a sacrament of sorts, or in the inverse as a form of statistics, almost an athletic competition; this number of loads taken or given, that figure of inches, yards or nautical miles of dick they’ve had. I don’t, nor need to after having won a competition like that decisively, but mainly because numbers don’t matter. The wonder of male flesh, of another body as near as can be, mine in that moment as completely as mine is his, I find always fresh, a new form of beauty under heaven, unique. No two are alike. Once is usually it for me; I don’t as a rule fuck my friends, or befriend my fucks. But enough philosophy, let’s get to the fucking, shall we? Saturday's man and myself wound things up by pounding ass after extended mutual chem piss swap, some of which somehow leaked all over the rubber sheets; thought I'd seen it all, done it all, but nope, never been fucked in a puddle of the warm chempiss I’d just fucked into a guy. It was glorious. So the weekend was already a success halfway through, new things discovered after decades of man on man sex, fifteen years or so of them raw in New York. You’d think no debauchery could possibly be new. I went home, crawled into bed with my husband, to sleep and with luck to dream. Sunday dawned in quiet contentment, bright blue air as far as the eye could see, the metropolis a silver field, steel flames under the new sun. I had a date, if that’s the right word, one I expected to be a matter of some delicacy; the man in question a lovely human being in my brief experience, nonetheless a new acquaintance made in unfortunate circumstances. I’d see him that afternoon, and to be entirely honest, had no idea of what to expect. Started out haltingly, a bit awkward as we sniffed each other out; so to break the ice and because it’s what’s done, we helped ourselves to what seems to be the illicit refreshment of choice these days. Slammed crystal meth, that is. Astonishing really how widespread the practice is these days in greater pigdom. Slamming crystal two days in a row is not normal for me, let alone habitual; but given the perceived awkwardness (likely extant only in my head), not a bad way to move things along. By experience the first rush is hole-with-ears time for yours truly; my host meanwhile had or rather has cheekbones like something carved on Olympus, attractiveness factor high and definitely well within fuckable range, so I’d probably blow him, a little of this, a helping of that, we’d fuck for a while and then (as it ever goes) chat about the world at large. These things do have a certain established and comforting routine. Meanwhile, let me go suck that dick. Wrong. What few people know and only slightly more deduce from my carefully crafted public presence is this: there's a part of me that wants to shed the glittering façade, take a breather from the effort at least occasionally, and morph from dom to sub. It almost never happens; believe me, I’ve tried. In the shadow of my public front, secure behind the confident exercise of command, there’s a little boy with the scars of having been hurt a few times too many. He may have become an adult, grown that hard protective shell, polished it into a splendid distraction, it remains heavy. The right man could break through possibly, be a dom to the sub that’s in here somewhere, make the little boy feel safe. I wasn’t even sure what that would feel like, look like, just that I wanted it. Good thing then that blowjobs aren’t apparently a particular talent. But over there are some restraints. Why not give it a go, role play time? Say, daddy/boy. Daddy I can’t tolerate, having lost my father as a child; all my masculinity wasn’t learned by paternal example, it was created by will on a foundation of pain. But something like a daddy, yes. And so the games began; as a guest, I tend to oblige my host. Good manners aren’t optional in my world, and very much include ‘your house, your rules’, as binding in palaces as it is in tar shacks. Games meanwhile are games, that I find them a bit silly is no reason not to observe basic decorum. Decorum in this case translating as lying tied up on a bed, legs suspended in the air, ankles secured by rope. A collar around my neck too, while he became Sir and I was designated to play Sir’s boy, one expected to be humble and obedient; not the arrogant pretty boy of noble birth, by right the inevitable center of attention in flashy clothes and the this-world-is-mine walk you need on the runways of Milan or London. Hard to swagger down much of anything when your ankles are tied halfway to the ceiling. So there I was naked and bound, helpless and high, and halleluia, about to get my tail done. I’d liked him from the first meeting, mind you, sex was on the agenda, and so far, we were in unusual but still familiar terrain. It was a game, right, playing pretend? And then something clicked, as if a switch had been flipped. It wasn’t a game or even play, required not acting, but becoming. I’d get fucked either way, but what if I gave in and went to that place he was leading us to? Surrendered to him? Could I trust him? On pure instinct, I did. I became that boy, was that boy, wanted to be nothing but that boy, his boy, to visit for a while in a simpler world ruled by a will stronger and gentler than my own, to accept that will eclipsing mine. To give up control, because doing so was safe. The desire alone was intensely erotic, powerfully seductive, and where the mind goes, the body must follow. Into submission, not by coercion, by the greater power of desire. Understanding came what being used really means, serving as the vehicle of another man’s pleasure. Being used requires being chosen. It is the immense thrill of giving pleasure. Understanding came also that surrender is an embrace, not a defeat. It was a tender embrace, and he was ready. His mouth came down, breathed into mine, back and forth, breathing together as one linked organism. God gave life to Adam by the same act. His breath flowed into my lungs as his body was already penetrating mine, hard flesh gently probing, easing in, slowly going deeper and deeper still; less intercourse than taking possession. And I wanted to be taken, needed to be taken; no matter that he’s huge, and it hurt, for a while; the flavor of hurt the language terms sublime to distinguish it from pain. This was not bondage, degradation or duress; it was liberation. Tied up, shackled, I was free. The gentleness of the act, the trust he asked for and protection he promised were overwhelming fact, something primal, elements of a hierarchy extant in half-forgotten memories of an older, feudal age of man, Droit du Seigneur. That thing I’d wanted for so long. Call it fucking if you will, just know that the word is insufficient, too shallow, properly attached to the powerful man writing this; the boy is a different, gentler creature, was glad to know that use gave purpose, rendering a grateful tribute for the tender kindness of it all, led gently to a place he didn’t know. Not just an effect of the indescribable sensation of this living, breathing man, vital and alive on top of and inside me; he knew what I wanted, desperately needed, better than I knew myself. I gave him pleasure, I hope, he gave that scared little boy deep in me an opportunity to come out in the light of day. Not humiliation, but humbling? Absolutely. I know that he climaxed, not whether he did so in me. One can only hope; it would be small payment for an experience beyond price.