I've been with my partner over three years. It's great, we love each other. We met as a Scruff hookup when I was in an open relationship with someone else, but that fell to the wayside. Before we became official, I had embraced being a bareback bottom. I haven't been fucked wrapped since 2015. My partner and I never used condoms, even when we first started having sex, though I know it made him uncomfortable.
I recognized I had a habit of cheating on previous boyfriends, so once we were official, I deleted everything except BBRTS - I figured he'd have to do a deep dive to find it. The sleazy side of my sexual nature was suppressed. He knew I loved having his cum in my ass, but I never really emphasized that it's the primary component of anal sex to me.
Over that time, I chatted with guys on BBRTS but always made an excuse to avoid meeting up with them. It kept the cumslut spirit alive. I wanted to cheat, badly, but I knew a single mistake would destroy my relationship. Eventually we became friends with a guy I had been chatting with online, and at a party he let slip to my partner that we had been having sexually charged conversations on BBRTS. He found my profile and I had to fess up.
It was a rough week of emotions and my partner feeling betrayed, though I was clear I had never hooked up with anyone. He doesn't want an open relationship but is open to having sex with others as long as we're both involved and it's safe.
So here's the rub. I explained that all of my sexual activity for the past 6 years had been bareback and I didn't want to return to wrapped sex. I love having cum on me and in me; it's the #1 thing I want when I have sex. I have long acknowledged and accepted the risks involved with this behavior (he was aghast). I don't want to thrust him into the same behavior, but I was clear that if our exploration is going to involve condoms, I'd rather not hook up with other guys at all.
Of course the first guy we hook up with, the three of us agreed to go bb. He got to watch another man breed my ass and I got to watch him breed that man's ass. It was incredible. I loved it. Then he freaked out over what happened and how I didn't regulate the situation. Well, neither did the two of you, and we all consented to fuck bare, so...
We haven't had penetrative sex with others since. Now that he knows my cumslut side exists, I want to reawaken it. I also want to top again! I love fucking a hairy hole. I want him to pimp my ass out. I want him putting tally marks on my back with how many loads I've taken. I want him to feel my cum as he slides into a guy's ass. I miss all of this. I need some component of our sex life to feel transgressive - having secrets was hot to me, but now it has to be full disclosure, everything shared. Fine, I guess. So how do I approach this again? I'll help him get on prep (I've been on it for 4 years) - I'll do what I need to do so he and I can have a raw dogging good time with others. How do I do this responsibly and ethically, while sticking to my insistence that raw is law if my body is involved?
