pozbear

I hate to tell you guys, but if I were the bottom in this relationship and you grabbed my throat and said, "Is anyone else fucking you?" I'd lie. I'd consider it a part of the play and a part of the scene. I'd say, "No sir, my hole is just for your cock." Unless we sit down and have an serious talk about our relationship, then a lie is all you're getting. And honestly, if you have a girlfriend or boyfriend, do you seriously expect me to curb my sexual activity so that my hole is just available to you? So you get to fuck whomever you want and I don't? Some guys might be into this kind of relationship, I'm not. I'm not into the whole "you're just a hole" thing anyway. I'm happy to bend over and take it, get gang banged on all fours whatever, and I'm willing to play a role during the sexual relationship, but if you're going to start getting into the "you're just a hole" to me, then you'd better be a damned good top, have a great dick, and give me the kind of fucking that I'd cry over if I had to do without. Otherwise, you're just a cock and any cock will do.

Thanks mascdnvrman, I'm working on it. That was a thoughtful piece you wrote. Thanks for sharing it.

No, that's not the case. There is a catostrophic drug plan and plenty of guys use it, most do I would say. And it does cover most of your drug costs; however, there is a larger-than-$25 copay. The reasons I'm not using it are personal and I'm not willing to discuss them in an open forum like this. The Canadian health care system doesn't cover everything. But it covers most things. HIV meds would be covered under the plan, but there may be drugs (more experimental ones) that they might not cover. My aunt recently needed three drugs for her eyes, the government plan covered one, but not the other two. (I guess they'd rather you go blind and have to take care of you on welfare than pay for a couple of drugs to keep you from losing your site.) If you need an eye test to see if you need glasses, you pay; if you're seeing an eye doctor because you're a diabetic and you need your eyes checked, they pay. If you want to circumcize your kid, you pay; if you need bypass surgery, they pay. If you want a skin tag removed, I think you have to pay; but if you're poz, they'll pay. Still, most Canadians on a day-to-day basis don't pay for much where health care is concerned. Cheers Pozbear

I tested positive in 1989, although I'm fairly certain I sero-converted in 1985. And I can tell you things definitely change and your perception changes over time, and although I've come to worry about things less, HIV is always there in the background. I'm astounded when I hear about bug chasers or guys wanting to join the family. I just don't think that they've thought things through. And even if they think they have, they're certainly in for a few surprises along the way. Here's some random thoughts: I was on a cocktail a few years ago that left me unable to fart. I mean I could fart, but I was just never really sure if I was going to end up with a surprise in my shorts. I started having to wear underwear to bed. I lived like that for three years. I had a job with benefits, but I hated the job. I wanted to quit, but didn't feel I could because I needed the benefits for meds. I stayed at a job I hated for two years because I needed meds. What impact does that have on your outlook and emotionally well being. Eventually I just quit and my meds ran out. Now, I'm not on the cocktail. I probably should be, and it's always in the back of my mind. I'm trying to sort this out, but it's complicated and personal. I cruise bareback sites, from time to time, but it's frustrating and disappointing that so many of the guys on bareback profile sites are also meth heads and party boys. So I find hooking up on those sites is difficult. If we're not dealing with sifting out the drug users, there's other bullshit to deal with: guys screwing around on their lovers and not being honest, guys not wanting to post pics because they're ashamed, guys saying their tops but can't get an erection, etc. I have managed to find one fuck buddy, but I've had to entertain lots of crap in the process. Every time I get a bump, a mark, a cyst, a cold, I often think: Is this is? Is this the beginning of something more challenging? Who wants to live like this? Because I'm a long-term survivor, I've lost a lot of people. I also have witnessed the ever-changing landscape in my neighbourhood. I've seen men move from super hot to skinny, gaunt men with rashes on their faces, the loss of body fat in their faces, some have grown humps on their backs, they've lost their asses. And there's a double-edged sword, because the cocktail has extended our lives, many men's bodies are changing not only because of HIV and cocktail side effects, but just because of the aging process. I can't tell you how many men I still see when I first moved down to the gaybourhood in my thirties. Men who thought they were too beautiful to give me a second look, and now, after years on the cocktail and hitting their fifites, they're not so pretty anymore. Suddenly, I'm looking more interesting. I also find the whole HIV thing sad. Back when I became infected, gay men quit their jobs, went on disability, and hoped for the best. In spite of advances and in spite of meds improving our long-term survivability, HIV has created a whole generation of men who are locked into the disability lifestyle. They can't go back to work because they need meds, so they stay on disability. They often live on next to no money, they have no long-term goals, they hang out at the local bars hoping to win a $100 bingo game so they can have some extra money for smokes or food. When I tested positive, I was told I'd be dead in two years. In 1989 there was no treatment. I didn't plan for the future, so here I am pushing 50 with no retirement plan. That's certainly one big thing that crept up and bit me in the ass. Anyway, enough for now. Pozbear