FunCollegeTwink

On 11/9/2019 at 3:38 PM, poztwink said:

Pozzing my younger brothers

if I was your younger bro I'd let you poz me no problem. 

3 minutes ago, tallslenderguy said:

Hi FunCollegeTwink,

Yeah, your explanation makes sense to me. I'm really curious to understand the emotional disposition behind chasing. While I have never had the desire to get HIV (though i am poz and fine with it), I am pretty much like a bitch in heat sexually. I use that comparison on purpose, because the drive to get bred seems that intense for me when I'm 'in heat' lol.

I have wondered if as bottoms many of us are not wired similarly, as though survival depended on getting pregnant, like a bitch? I've also wondered if the drive to get pozzed is a sort of emotional version of getting pregnant? A lot of guys refer to getting pozzed as getting "knocked up," so i know a lot of guys are making that connection.  If gays are an evolutionary variation, it doesn't seem far fetched to me that we might have drives mixed in us that are left overs from a survival drive. 

Well, I think you really are pretty close with that... I am pretty much all bottom (I've probably topped 10 times in my life) and definitely experience something akin to a desire to get pregnant or knocked up.  Probably put more precisely though, I feel the urge to bottom for tops, and to take my top's cum as deep inside me as possible.  I never push loads out of me either, because I have this instinct not to. 

As to how this led to me having a chaser mentality, well... it's a bit odd.  I think I have actually been wanting to chase for years now - probably since I was 14 or 15.  I am literally not exaggerating about this, and I'm not trying to sexualize it either - I'm just going to say it how I experienced it at the time.  Anyway, when I was that age I took the standard "health" course that you usually take at that age.  We were going over the unit on sex, and had talked about pregnancy and we then go to the unit on STDs.  When we got to HIV, I found myself mildly aroused by it, which I don't even know if I noticed explicitly at first.  Later on, they had a guest come to talk about it.  It was a man (probably in his late 20s or early 30s), and he told the class that he had hiv, and proceeded to tell a bit about what it is, how it is spread, how it can be prevented and hopefully eradicated.  Honestly though, I couldn't really pay attention to what he was saying because I just found him profoundly attractive for some reason.  In fact, all that I could think of was having sex with him (an unprotected sex at that).  I didn't actually have sex with him, but I thought about him a lot when I got off for the next several years.  I knew very well that if I had sex with him and he bred me (assuming that he was still detectable) that I would probably get hiv as well... and on some level I think even that idea turned me on (though I don't think I had been willing to admit that until recently).

My point is that the urges that I have during sex are somewhat like getting pregnant, but more accurately that I feel the urge to "take what the top is giving to me," in a way... whatever that might be.  That's why I always keep cum deep inside of me.  And I think that on some level, getting pozzed is the most intense form of that.  In a way, his cum (or the virus in his cum) is literally spreading through my body and making it a part of me.  And though I know the consequences of this, it is still profoundly erotic to me, and I think that it probably always will be.

I don't know if I answered your question well enough, but I hope that this gives you some idea about my own chasing urges (though I suspect that it might be different for different people).

1 minute ago, tallslenderguy said:

I confess I do not relate to chasing at all, I get no thrill from the idea of getting a disease. I don't see it as "ridiculous" or "selfish," i just don't relate.

I do wonder though, since you trace the reason for your desire to risky sex, what happens when/if you become poz and it's no longer risky behavior? 

That's a really good question tallslenderguy, and I have to admit I don't know if I can answer it.  Part of me thinks it won't be a problem though.  I think that deep down I really am a chaser and just had a difficult time admitting it... I thought that I was turned on by "risky" sex, but I'm becoming more convinced that I was probably turned on by the idea that I could be getting pozzed from it.  If that's the case, then I probably won't have any problem if I became poz, because I'd still get turned on by having sex with other poz guys.  Does that make sense?

Several months ago, I posted a thread in the General Discussion section in which I shared some of the internal tension that I had been experiencing.  On the one hand, I had (and still do have) a strong desire to go to graduate school and pursue academics.  On the other hand, I am extremely slutty, and the riskier the sex, the more that I enjoyed it.  There were some very thoughtful responses, contributions, and input from many of you, and as a consequence I decided to begin PrEP.  This post is an update...

I started taking PrEP, and all was going well for the first month or two.  I was having sex as usual and getting bred as much as I could.  The more that time went by though, the more dissatisfied with the sex I became.  The sex just didn't seem to excite me in the same way that it had used to (even though I was more or less having the same amount of sex as I had been before).  It just seems as though there is something about very risky sex that energizes me in a way that I can't really explain (and maybe don't really understand either).  I had been feeling that way for the past several months, thinking that the feeling may just go away - but it didn't. 

Basically, I've decided to stop taking my PrEP now (in reality I stopped taking it a few days ago).  The sex that I had since stopping was fantastic, and I just feel amazing after.  I know that what I am doing is extremely risky, but it is beginning to look like I need that sort of risk to feel fulfilled and satisfied.  While it will probably sound silly, I do a substantial amount of demanding work which can be quite stressful; the risky sex that I have been engaged in has always been a source of release for all that tension and stress, and I was not able to find an outlet for it while on PrEP.  Essentially, I think part of the secret to my success academically has actually been my risky, slutty sex life - and I think I need to embrace it.  So, again, I've stopped taking my PrEP now and honestly I have to admit I'm a lot happier because of it.

I guess, part of me still wants to know what you all think though: am I being ridiculous, or selfish?  Can any of you think of any alternative explanations, or maybe other outlets?  I'd honestly appreciate your input again, as I really appreciated it earlier when I was struggling with all this.

15 hours ago, TheLusciousLad said:

it ALWAYS has to be someone new? you really don't think you could ever just find one guy to bareback with all the time? 

i don't mean to 'shame' you at all, but just asking.. 

No, it isn't necessary that I always find someone new.  In fact, I have had some boyfriends in the past, a few of whom I have been exclusive with.  And I certainly entertain the possibility that I would find one person to bareback with in the future. 

Part of the difficulty is that I am extremely busy in general, and as an (aspiring) academic I have found that it is difficult to concretely separate my professional life from my private life.  It has been extremely difficult for me to find people who are understanding and/or flexible enough where this would not be a major issue.  Consequently, most of my sexual encounters over the past few years have been decidedly casual.  And, while I definitely do enjoy being able to have sex with new people (as it can be quite exhilarating, no?) this should not be taken to suggest that I do not appreciate steady companionship, or longer-term commitments or relationships.  It is just that, on the whole, the nature of what I do and what I wish to do in academia makes it much more difficult for me to find people where such longer-term commitments are an option (at least here, geographically speaking).

Also, as an update, I have started PrEP after talking with my doctor a few days ago.  I haven't had much sex since starting it, as my homework load has been considerable this past week, but I'm hoping to get a lot more action in the coming days.  I'll definitely keep you all posted about how it goes!

On ‎9‎/‎3‎/‎2017 at 3:05 PM, BrockTop1973 said:

Michel Foucault is a pretty famous and influential philosopher who was also a pretty famous slut. Just tell people that you're modeling your career on his. 

Indeed he was, and that similarity was not lost on me (although I was hesitant to suggest that, lest I seem as though I wished to present myself as comparable to Foucault). 

6 minutes ago, rede4it said:

Not sure if this adds to the conversation but I am a former college level educator, who was intentionally infected this past New Year's Eve by a full professor/math department chair at a local university.   Some of this conversation reinforces my belief that the true desire to be infected comes from some where unknown.   Looking at my circle of POZ friends, age, race, education, economic situation are WIDELY different.  Yet we all made our choice as if driven by an unseen force.

And for the record, I am actually unsure of who infected me, but as I have written other places, last New Years was by far the most likely time----or at least the time that makes for an incredible memory.

Thanks, rede4it!  There definitely is something about the unknown that I find alluring, and something about experiencing it as well.  That is probably why I enjoy the risky element so much.  Are you happy that you got infected with it?  It's just that HIV cannot be cured (yet, at least), and so if I do get infected with it there is really no going back. 

Thanks for your messages guys, I really appreciate it.  And I have to say, many more people responded than I had expected, and I definitely am grateful for your candid advice and input.  Knowing that a lot of other guys either are or have experienced the same things that I am is encouraging to me, so I'm really glad that I posted on here.

Given the comments, I think that I'll talk to my doctor about PrEP next week.  I am still neg now, so having confidence that I won't get infected (with HIV, at least) might make me enjoy the sex even more.  And, while I definitely do enjoy the risky element of not being on PrEP, I don't know if that feeling will go away if I begin taking it so I might as well try it.  I already have been vaccinated for HPV as well, so maybe PrEP will help me be even more uninhibited and able to enjoy the moment while having sex.

Honestly though, part of me is seriously considering that I might just be a chaser as well.

I've been considering it.  For some reason though, whenever I start to bring it up with my doctor I decide not to.  And I honestly do not know why I always stop.

I'm a senior in college at the moment.  I'm an honors student, highly respected among my peers and professors, and will be applying to top PhD programs this autumn.  I'm also a total slut.  As much as I love academics, I love getting fucked bareback just as much - maybe even more.  I love getting bred.  I love getting bred a lot, and by a lot of different guys.  Every time I feel a new guy sliding into my hole, or when I slide into someone new, I feel totally amazing. 

This, in essence, is the source of my internal tension.  I have always been told that I am very smart, and that I have a bright future ahead of me (not to sound arrogant, hopefully), and I legitimately believe that I could do quite well in my field (philosophy).  However, the degree to which I am slutty (which is quite high) leads me to engage in risky sexual practices on a regular basis.  And, quite in fact, the risk in and of itself does not bother me; quite the contrary, I rather enjoy it.  It is adventurous, energizing, and invigorating.  On the one hand, my life is spent in the abstract, dealing with the nature of thought, and issues of philosophy which are (seemingly) divorced from the carryings on of the every day.  On the other, I engage in behavior that is reckless at times, living in the moment and experiencing everything through sex.  Sex which is risky, dangerous to my health - and by extension, possibly, my future - and yet I cannot go without it.  I am not on prep, and I often do not even ask about status - for the most part I do not care. 

Despite how thoroughly I enjoy both of these aspects of my life, there seems to be a tension between them.  My academic life is where I feel most free, and it is what I wish to spend my life doing.  My sexual life, however, remains indispensable.  The sex may very well adversely affect my academic life, and yet I could not do my academics without my sexual life. 

I suppose I just wanted to post this, and see what you all think.  Most of my peers would probably be appalled by my sexual choices, and tell me that I'm throwing away my life for the sake of "mere" bodily pleasure.  While I am not insensitive to this (and quite frankly, I would agree with them to some extent), it is not enough for me to stop, despite the tension that I feel.  I feel like an academic, and I also feel like I am a total slut and whore.  Have any of you ever experience anything like this?  I'd love to hear your thoughts!