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Hello everyone. I hope you are all doing well. No one has asked or anything but I wanted to explain myself a little. I am 54, a little more weight then I like. Balding and going grey. I moved overseas because I know I wanted this. No regrets there. As an aside I do have children and grandchildren and other family. I miss them a lot but we do talk on Skype or Facebook etc... if they ever knew what I have done with pnp etc... I think I would die of extreme embarrassment. I miss pnp as well and some of the wild crazy fun and roll play and fantasy I did. There was always this one friend. We never could meet up all the time but we understood each other . Now that I am here, I keep asking myself a lot of questions. Do I go and really try to find stuff to pnp? Do I want to really give up the sobriety that i have had since July? Do I want to let myself go to those fantasy play that seems to become part of me when I pnp. My biggest fear has nothing to do with pnp or any of that. I am afraid of growing old alone. I have said that to one or two people but this is the first time I have ever put it out there like this. I keep asking myself why here. Why open up and say hings I can barely admit to myself at times. I do know why. Maybe a couple of you though it could be more for all I know, actually know who I am or we have talked on the phone etc... To my knowledge I don't think I have ever met anyone here in real life. I could be wrong. I still generally feel I am safe admitting things here unlike other places. Note to everyone: No, I am not depressed, frustrated yes. depressed no. No I am not thinking any type of self harm or such though some could say my desire to pnp fits that. I am not high. if a point was handed to me I am fairly positive i would do it at least right now I would. Change of subject. I am having to learn a new language and i am failing at it miserably. I am open to realistic thoughts and take note i am a geek with a left brain thought process dealing with computers and things like that and I am really good at it. Language though, I walk out of class wanting to quite and i still show up for the next but I still ask why I am there. Thanks for taking a moment.