The cattle prod of shame

[scotty2]

I decided to start a thread to get a bit of reality. It is about my body, and the way I was taught to hate it, and how I am trying to make peace with it. Here goes....When I was a boy I was sexually abused, once, by an adult who then turned nasty on me and spent the rest of my childhood tormenting me, about the way I looked, about my chronic socialphobia, about my interests and about my thinly veiled sexual orientation. At school a teacher started a thing going about my weight, as she saw it to use peer pressure to make me lose weight. My mother and father used my body as a battle ground, she feeding me and he saying I should be playing rugby (Purleeease!) The thing was I wasn't actually that fat as a child, when I look at photographs. My body is shaped so that my stomach protrudes a bit. I think it is called endomorphic or something. Throughout my adult life my weight has tended to fluctuate a bit according to my state of mind usually, and my routine.

I am 6'1" and I have a 36 inch waist. I no longer weigh myself because it freaks me out, but I am about 185-190 pounds. I run 5K three to four times a week, walk an hour a day. I only eat healthy food apart from a piece of cake once a week. I don't drink except once a week, and I think about everything I put in my mouth. I have also been taking anti-depressants since April which might have contributed a bit. People occasionally make remarks to me about my body, usually in reference to my stomach, thinking it helpful to point out whenever I have put on any weight. For instance at the moment, I have been unwell with sinusitis and have no energy. I was on vacation in America for two weeks as well, and yeah, maybe I did put on a little. But when people say these things to me I feel like I am BEING ABUSED. This not vanity, it is not fishing for compliments or wanting attention. It is painful and confusing. It is the most agonising experience, an electric shock of shame. It paralyses me for a few seconds while I process it, it goes silent in my head, then the agony starts. For days I loathe my body, I stop and obsessively check my profile, I wear a T-shirt when I have sex.....

I actually like guys who are not thin, it is my preference. When I watch porn and a guy has a tum, I love it. Big, muscly guys with six-packs? Less so. I like the feel of a guys skin who is a little overweight, I enjoy the softness of it, the silkiness. But in myself? It is self-hate, pure and simple, and whenever someone "helpfully" confirms that in me, it hurts so, so much.

So how do I make peace with myself? I have described my routines above and to be honest I cannot do much more without a) feeling deprived and hungry all the time, and I am 46 and too tired to do much more than I do physically. Does anyone feel the same?

[slowfuck]

I feel for you. Our minds create such possibility in us to live a wonderful life. Sadly it seems it can also cripple us too. Now I am you size, I guess, no professional at psychology and have no easy answer, but to some extent experience similar triggered shame, except it is about cumming. The more someone expects and begs me to cum, even fucking raw, the more difficult it becomes. Seems I have shame about cumming - unless I am with other what I could call 'shameless' people also bare fucking and dumping loads in mouths and arses - analgous with your ease with similarly-sized people but not alone. It seems it is fear of disapproval (ridicule) which triggers the shame / self-loathing you have learned to replay when these conditions appear. The question is how to disconnect that learned trigger. I wish I knew for both our sakes.

[scotty2]

Hi, thanks. I know what you mean about cumming too, but I feel no shame if I cannot cum at all, but identify with that feeling of being under pressure. And I think the body type in your avatar is ideal, very sexy indeed. But if it is my body I see it differently. Oddly, other signs of ageing in me trigger no shame. For instance I have a bald patch, but I just think it is funny and I joke about it and keep my hair cropped. My eyes have some wrinkles as a sales clerk kindly pointed out to me at Bloomingdales, asking me what skin cream I used. "Obviously not a very good one I replied," laughing. No shame. Bit of extra weight and I shrivel up like a worm in salt.

[mike43]

Scotty you have nothing to be ashamed of the pics on your profile are beautifull. Your one hot man.

[einathens]

Consider joining some of the bear sites (growlr, bear411, and so on ). You'll find men who look like what you're looking for, and who will love you for your shape.

As for what's in your head, all you can do is recognize where it came from and continue working to counteract it

[Ross12]

Well you look just fine to me Scotty and besides what u think that's one bloody lovely fuck pole you got there mate!!

[scotty2]

Scotty you have nothing to be ashamed of the pics on your profile are beautifull. Your one hot man.

Ah thank you Mike. But it is a kind of really deep agonising feeling, and I am covering it in therapy as of now cos it is a bit crippling. Just wondered where it comes from and what to overcome it.

[scotty2]

Consider joining some of the bear sites (growlr, bear411, and so on ). You'll find men who look like what you're looking for, and who will love you for your shape.

As for what's in your head, all you can do is recognize where it came from and continue working to counteract it

Yes, that is a good idea xx

[scotty2]

Here is a picture of me as I really am. This is what I look like, and I don't think there is much more I can do about it. I want to learn to love myself not hate myself

[pa4xfun]

Just happened to read your post about hating your body type. Looking at your pics in your album I can only imagine that if I met you on the prowl, I'd be real turned on and find you hot.

I understand though that my saying that it won't help you out. Your mind-- our minds -- can work against us and we each have to do what we can to work through a psychological problem like this. I think you mentioned that you are in therapy--hope that will work for you. Give it time. The advice also given by others here-- like seeking out a bear/cub group is a good one. Stay around friends who are supportive and like you as you are.

I have a similar problem as your's but coming from the opposite direction. I'm very thin and because of a thyroid condition I'm always going to be that way. I was also made fun of by school chums while growing up. That is devastating and it sticks with us for our life. I found that some therapy did help me and got me back on track to love myself.

I still dread the summer when I need to wear shorts and don't have long-sleeved shirts and jeans to hide how skinny my legs and arms are. After so many years I'm not so bogged down with negative feelings about myself though. I ignore the gay community propaganda that you are only desirable with six-pack abs and a beefy, muscular body. Still I have moments of hating how I look. Maybe we never quite get over it entirely, but overall I'm more accepting of myself--a lot more than when I was a teenager and in my 20's. I was also fortunate to have some long-lasting relationships where I was accepted as I am, giving me self-confidence.

Take care and I wish you the best.

[bearbandit]

I can sympathise with the idea of not having the body you want, having been in that space for too much of my life. However most of us tend to be overcritical of how we look. I have a similar problem physically to you in that I've got lipodystrophy. Very difficult if not impossible to shift the fat from the gut (or the buffalo hump if you get that as well). The answer that was suggested to me was weights and concentrate on the upper body. You don't lose the gut, but you build up to look like a rugby player who likes a drink. It's a look that works for me. I lost most of the muscle when I was in hospital last year and now some of the weight has come back as muscle so when I start again (I've also had a rotator cuff injury which made the weights impossible) I'm not starting from quite so far behind as the first time. Starting with really skinny arms it took me six months to get to "bloody hell, what have you been doing?" It's worth a try...

[einathens]

It comes from the fact that when we're kids we believe that our parents are always right and always do as they should. If you hear often enough that you're not good enough, you'll start to believe it. That damage can take a lifetime to erase

There are therapeutic techniques that can help. One is reframing

Listen in your mind to your parents telling you these things, but picture them in clown makeup

Or picture yourself as a child but dare to disagree with them and tell them they're wrong. Imagine them apologizing to you

A simple thing you can do is create an incompatible response. Wear a rubberband on your wrist and when you find yourself drifting to that negative space, snap it hard enough to hurt.

Admit to yourself that no matter their intentions, the words and actions caused you damage and pain. They were wrong.

Any steps you take to heal are good ones.

[scotty2]

Just happened to read your post about hating your body type. Looking at your pics in your album I can only imagine that if I met you on the prowl, I'd be real turned on and find you hot.

I understand though that my saying that it won't help you out. Your mind-- our minds -- can work against us and we each have to do what we can to work through a psychological problem like this. I think you mentioned that you are in therapy--hope that will work for you. Give it time. The advice also given by others here-- like seeking out a bear/cub group is a good one. Stay around friends who are supportive and like you as you are.

I have a similar problem as your's but coming from the opposite direction. I'm very thin and because of a thyroid condition I'm always going to be that way. I was also made fun of by school chums while growing up. That is devastating and it sticks with us for our life. I found that some therapy did help me and got me back on track to love myself.

I still dread the summer when I need to wear shorts and don't have long-sleeved shirts and jeans to hide how skinny my legs and arms are. After so many years I'm not so bogged down with negative feelings about myself though. I ignore the gay community propaganda that you are only desirable with six-pack abs and a beefy, muscular body. Still I have moments of hating how I look. Maybe we never quite get over it entirely, but overall I'm more accepting of myself--a lot more than when I was a teenager and in my 20's. I was also fortunate to have some long-lasting relationships where I was accepted as I am, giving me self-confidence.

Take care and I wish you the best.

Ah thanks. This helpful and supportive and you seem like a really kind man. I agree with what you say. And I identify with it too. Going to devoid some therapy time to this too. Nice pic btw;)

[scotty2]

I can sympathise with the idea of not having the body you want, having been in that space for too much of my life. However most of us tend to be overcritical of how we look. I have a similar problem physically to you in that I've got lipodystrophy. Very difficult if not impossible to shift the fat from the gut (or the buffalo hump if you get that as well). The answer that was suggested to me was weights and concentrate on the upper body. You don't lose the gut, but you build up to look like a rugby player who likes a drink. It's a look that works for me. I lost most of the muscle when I was in hospital last year and now some of the weight has come back as muscle so when I start again (I've also had a rotator cuff injury which made the weights impossible) I'm not starting from quite so far behind as the first time. Starting with really skinny arms it took me six months to get to "bloody hell, what have you been doing?" It's worth a try...

Thanks that is a good idea. I will speak to one of the lads at the gym and ask them....give me an excuse to talk to the delectable sweeties who work there too!

[scotty2]

It comes from the fact that when we're kids we believe that our parents are always right and always do as they should. If you hear often enough that you're not good enough, you'll start to believe it. That damage can take a lifetime to erase

There are therapeutic techniques that can help. One is reframing

Listen in your mind to your parents telling you these things, but picture them in clown makeup

Or picture yourself as a child but dare to disagree with them and tell them they're wrong. Imagine them apologizing to you

A simple thing you can do is create an incompatible response. Wear a rubberband on your wrist and when you find yourself drifting to that negative space, snap it hard enough to hurt.

Admit to yourself that no matter their intentions, the words and actions caused you damage and pain. They were wrong.

Any steps you take to heal are good ones.

Thanks I will do that. Thanks for the good tips xx