Barebacking outside a near sexless relationship

[a2malways]

I am bi and was originally going to post this in the Straight and Bi forum, but 4 of the first 5 threads in there are about escorts. I t just seems pointless to start a discussion there. Then I thought that the subject really has applicability across the community. The specifics are different but maybe others have relevant input from whatever perspective.

As I mentioned I am bi. I am in my 40s. I started having sex with men in my mid 20s, but it has been an off and on thing. Almost exclusively oral until the last 2-3 years. I pretty regularly had girlfriends and sex with women, but I might go 9 months or a year without touching another man. The longest gap I had without having gay sex was about 5 years. The longest without fucking a woman was just under a year.

I have been in a relationship with one woman for a number of years and we live together. It is a pretty standard story. The first 18 months or so we fucked constantly, had few limits and even talked of swinging. She is bi but not actively (that I know of). But definitely her fantasy life if >90% about women. She seems to have never thought I was bi, but this appears to be more about her stereotypical expectations of how gay/bi men would act rather than anything sexual. She knows I am very open sexually, like to eat creampies, and back when she actually sucked my cock regularly would get very turned on by snowballing. That was back when she might initiate sex 3 or 4 times a week.

That has changed. It has been many years since she initiated sex. I am not pushy but I try and let her know that I am interested and willing and available, essentially to create an atmosphere conducive to sex. And while I wish the effort was more mutual, I do try to propose sex on regular occasions. At least 90% of the time she says no.

To the point we have sex less than once a month. That really does not adequately describe things, as what it typical is that we might go 3 - 4 months without having sex at all, and then have sex twice in one week. Gaps of 5 months are common, the longest is almost a year, and we had one year where we only had sex twice.

We are both reasonably attractive and are perceived as younger than we actually are. I am the same weight as I was in my early 20s. This is not a case of people who have fallen apart physically and lost whatever physical reason for attraction was there. We still have a very close relationship and very much have integrated lives. Breaking up is neither what want nor likely to be easy.

So I have started to have more sex with men. And then started bottoming. I have not had sex with her recently. From our experience I could go practically indefinitely without her initiating sex.

I know this can't go on forever. I can't expose her to disease, I can't hide forever. She would find it very odd if I started wanting to use condoms. She would be hurt if she found out, but I don't know that she would want to break up. I have always been very supportive of her exploring sex with women, with or without me, and I wish that she had, as I think it both would have helped her and made our situation more open.

But I don't know what to do. She can't be happy with our situation but I don't think she actually realizes how sexless it is. I hear of many longterm gay couples whose relationships become sexless but they stay together and fuck around outside. Also a lot of straight/bi guys end up in marriages that become essentially sexless and it leads to extracurricular activities. Often this seems to be implicit of the "don't ask, don't tell" variety, but as an obvious outcome of the death of sex in the relationship. And many of those people stay together.

I guess it is also that I have always considered sexual fidelity a strange basis for a primary relationship. I am just as happy to spend my life with a compatible person with whom I share interests, and fuck around with strangers for sexual relief. It is a big part of the appeal of gay sex to me.

Others seem to have made this work. Or not. Your thoughts?

[Guest ff-whole]

I very much recognize this story... Sounds like what happened to me, though I was married and she turned totally frigid on me...

Now I am single again and just go to gaysaunas to have my fun...

So once in a while finding a woman to have sex with... Love to eat pussies and asses, play with their soft female curves and bodies and fits, but still crave for that hard dick inside of my ass and the loads deep inside of me.

[PissPigBrooklyn]

First of all get tested! Next if you are negative consider PReP! If neg or poz a talk with your partner is called for. What you are experiencing is valid and needs to be addressed as well as what each of you are bringing to the relationship and what you each can bring to the relationship. Listen to her and reassure her of your feelings for her. Once the line of communication is open keep it open but have boundaries established as to how much information is to be shared.

[just_mike69]

I am in the same situation you are in. Except I am married to the woman I am not having sex with. She knew I was bi before we married. She does not know I have been taking bare cock in my mouth and ass. I live in a small town on a small island in NW washington with a navy base near by. I have had several on going situations. So i am kind of safe do to the location, with the danger being are they having raw sex away from here? 

 I am now considering my options of bareback sex away from here. Tring to get a script for PrEP to have some protection.

[sinfuljock]

As others have said, definitely get tested and on prep. Beyond that, I know I would not be able to go so long without sex. 

[barehole4use]

I think sooner or later you're going to have to confront her about how you are feeling, I would make it sooner but get yourself tested first, stay calm in your tone of voice when you talk with her & reasure her, if thats what she needs but at the end of the day this is about what you want - so don't forget your primary objective.

[pjaco]

I think sooner or later you're going to have to confront her about how you are feeling, I would make it sooner but get yourself tested first, stay calm in your tone of voice when you talk with her & reasure her, if thats what she needs but at the end of the day this is about what you want - so don't forget your primary objective.

 I totally agree with barehole4use,as life is to short to keep situations draging on for so long. I am in an open relationship and I can asure you the sex is still great and regular after 20 plus years.Be honest with yourself as to what you really want and go for it. Discussing it with your partner to ensure that you are both on the same page is the only way to ensure both of you are happy and fulfilled.