[Defiant Barebacker] I Am Writing and I Am Getting Fucked

[Feeder]

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I find that I am writing again. Perhaps the word "again" is misplaced, as the previous period where I tried writing was back in college. That period held a disconnected imprecise effort at best. It was so disconnected that my English instructors thought of my short stories as absurdist, something I still think I can identify with. However, I do think I am creating more complete pieces these days.

I am getting fucked again. In this case "again" is a safe term to use. Even so, there is a whole new element to the most recent state of affairs that has never existed in my world before. There was a time when I would get totally plowed under by my boyfriend of the moment. In particul'ar, there was one guy, my first live in relationship, where I learned how to become another guy's complete and total bitch. There were times when I existed only for the pleasure of his cock and nothing else. But, there were limits to what I did and lines I would not cross outside of a limited relationship.

With the end of that relationship, and not long after that college, both the writing and my getting fucked stopped. While I have written a small number of fragments and gotten fucked a very few times since, I would have to classify the long period between then and about a year ago as a very long dry spell.

I am currently working on several short stories, one longer piece about my mother (I am not sure I can call it a book but it is not a short story), and this blog. I try to write every morning and actually seem to be making a fair amount of progress. There is one short story that I will post here, as it will be full of sexual content that many should enjoy, but it is not intended as porn. It is a real piece of artistic writing (dare I use the word literature for my own material?) and will have a story to tell.

Of course, as anyone that reads this blog will know, I have been getting fucked. I have been getting fucked by a great number of guys in the last year, and even seeking/taking loads. While getting plowed is not entirely new to me, the notion of "unlimited no rules let's take cock and loads as we feel the urge" is new to me. With crossing the scary line that kept me so cautious for so long I find myself in the land of "why the fuck not?", and I love it!

I do not think the case can be made that my writing and the notion of me getting fucked again are completely disconnected. Indeed, I think they are very connected. At the very least the fact that I have become HIV positive has opened me up on both fronts. This blog, first and foremost an outlet of personal therapy concerning my seroconversion, was the first thing to get me started in the writing arena, and now I find I am moving this into the other writing elements.

A couple of months ago (back in the October time frame) I had this dream. I woke from it frighted, even terrified. I did some research on the images it had and found the meaning researchers might apply to these images interesting.

First, there was this*belligerent individual that was bullying everyone, including me. He was a large loud creature, almost Frankenstein like. At one point he was swirling around a long poll with banners on it. The poll was slicing the air near my head almost hitting me. My boyfriend, who was also in the dream, was not so fortunate. The poll smacked him in the face.

While my boyfriend retreated to care for his wounds I went and informed a police officer of this bully's behavior. As the officer took this guy into another room I checked on my boyfriend. He was bruised, but otherwise ok. We then went to find the police officer to show him what this guy had done. When we found the police officer, he was hanging dead from a noose in a laundry room and the bully was going absolutely crazy. My boyfriend and I ran in fear. I woke up, in terror.

Sounds gross, I know. What the interpretations seem to say about this dream is that the killing of a police officer by a bullying type person indicates that the dreamer has or is about to break down limits/rules in their world that they no longer want/need to live with. This certainly matches my waking world situation. I have crossed over to being willing to fuck and get fucked with no limits outside of current feelings of the moment. Whether this is wise or not is still up for consideration, but it is where I am today... Not long after this dream I went to a bareback party in San Francisco and tried my best to take loads. All I got was eight hard cocks and no loads, but I was willing to set records on both fronts.

A couple of weeks after that dream I had a second one. Again there were police officers, my boyfriend, but no belligerent bullies. The police weakly were able to inform me of something I had done wrong, although I do not know what it was. There was, flooding in that dream and I have not taken the time to investigate what flooding might mean. But, the interpretation of the police being back in control, although weakly, seems to match my current specific state of mind. I might fuck freely, but I am steering clear for now.

Interestingly, in both of these dreams the police officers were Asian. As a total top I had loved to fuck Asian bottom boys. I really enjoy the smooth skin with oily lube on my groin, cock, and hands. Similarly, at that San Francisco bareback party two young hot Asian dudes plowed the shit out of my hole. I find that this Asian guy fetish works for me as a top and also seems to work for me as a bottom.

What's the correlation? Writing in relation to getting fucked? I think the breakdown of my own rules, leading to greater openness in thinking and other actions, has opened up some creative avenues shut off by fear. As fear has evaporated, post seroconversion, I find myself more focused on other things in life and living day to day as if it could all end very soon. This is how I should have lived my life before this happened. Everyday prior to crossing that line is gone and I cannot get them back, but I am not going to waste days going forward.

Look for a short story from me here in the not too distant future. It ought to be interesting.

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