So, what's wrong...

[Lorenzo]

I have been interested in men since my sexual awakening 22 years ago.

I have had my first guy on guy sexual experience 20 years ago.

I know that it is not a numbers game, but I don't get what's going on.

There is nothing that gets me more rockhard than thinking about gay sex, gay bareback sex.

I have somehow evolved into - and I know that this is something most of you don't like - a guy who loved to dress up and who tries to be as feminine as possible at those times so as to turn guys on . 98% of the time I pass as the most straight guy, 1,8% of the time I'm so gay, 0,2% of the time I walk around on heels with red lips (and even if I say so myself, I look stunning that 0,2% of the time).

I have been a member of Gaydar, Planet Romeo, Grindr, Fetlife (and smut before that) for ages and I've spent time on several online chats for my region.

I've had incredible sex with men and I love to bottom and suck cock.

I've come to a point where I've noticed that girls or sex with a girl just doesn't get me as hard anymore.

I never use a condom when I'm giving head and I've swallowed every load.

I have tried bareback, I absolutely loved it., but I'm scared as fuck so I shy away from it.

I have never been in a relationship with a guy, somehow I don't think falling in love with a guy is something that's going to happen, but I dig sex with men like nothing else.

And somehow, in all those years, maybe I've had 12 guys.

Somehow, I don't 'go' for it.

Somehow, there is part of me that says 'hold on, are you sure'.

And I have NO FUCKING IDEA WHY!

It always feels like I'm waiting for someone or something to push me over te edge of the cliff.

Like I need approval of some kind.

 

I'm aware that this is something of a rant. That I should just get my shit together and live my life.

I'm aware that all those happy out in the open gay people are probably thing: just go for it dramaqueen, you'll regret waiting so long.

I know. But I don't know what's wrong.

[Guest JackEdJIZZ]

Nice post to share your idea.  I also am not a standard homo in nearly any respect.  I take pride in my unique choices and identity  The more I work on living a life that ifeel is authent   to my needs and harms no others in anyway, I am much more satisfied.   In my 50 plus years of bottom sex I have evolved and grown in many ways.  Yet I still relish a top pounding my ass for his pleasure.

i am working on a blog now to highlight things that dont fit else where.   first entry is a thing about my tits.   I love my tits and showing them off.   Not what everyone can do but it is for me a key way i present as a eunuch....male and female identity.

I have an evolving view of sex....and try to reduce labels and structure.   The people who want to share something between them are the only ones who have a reason.  Anything else is baggage that closes down the freedom to fuck without reservation and reach new heights.

For some of use we have to find new openings and ways to fulfill our needs and purpose.  There are certainly like minded folks....we just have to gather them up for shared interest.

Just last night a younger gay man reached out to me after reading a post on a seemingly small topic.  to this man, it was center to his desires.   He came over and we explored things of his interest.   I could see him lighten up as he stared feeling less of a loner.

He then got to my heart and asked if I would show my eunuch body to him.   I do that to those with interest and have lost all modesty in letting others grasp how different yet so much the same people in our queer communities can be.   I went to the bedroom stripped and then gave him the visual eunuch experience.   Most turn down my offer to let them touch and feel how my modified body has morphed.  He was newly brave and egerly explored a body born like his but now different.    My post helped him find a source of support and safety....and I will help hime explore some of his desires in a safe location and with 50 years of experience.....hopefully he will find more joy than the life he leads now.    I cant wait to watch him learn and explore.   

Some of the subjects we explore have a lot of baggage.  Bareback sex, bug chasing and chem enhancements are all heavy with risks, worries and judgement.   I have embraced all three and am open about it.   I share info with other so they can learn and choose.   Very early yesterday morning I watched a dear friend take his first loads as a bug catcher moments after having his first slam,   I shared my info with him but he chose and was sincere in his choices.  I offered to take him and watch as his wingman.  Watching him do those two things was much harder than allowing myself to go down the same path.

Many guys here will help by sharing stories and experiences.   That is why it is tribal information.   My BBBH ( bare back brother hood) tramp stamp tattoo is a visual reminder of my choice and a reminder of the responsibilities that go with raw sex.    My first dick in 1968 was raw and my last dick early sunday am was just as raw.