2 sides of face

[KaiChow]

New to BZ, wanna share the burden of having 2 sides of face here.
On one hand I have a quite good career path in sport team, good reputation in discipline and stable performance (although not the best). I am not openly gay in my work, since it is not so friendly of being gay in my society, thus, I am not active in gay social network of my hometown (I have been spotted and recognized in a gay bar before, which scared me off due to somethings happen later). Even before my gay friends, I am still a good and respectful top.

I would say my life is quite colorful in one size, but really pale on another side. As an athlete I need to keep a healthy and fit body, I am proud to have it, however, at the same time I always have filthy fantasy about my athlete body. Firstly I just imagine myself becoming a bottom, fucked by another dom top, but later the fantasy becomes more degrading which should not allow in my real life, such as being raped by strangers or some unworthy guys, played as sex toy or even becoming an anon cumdump with gloryhole. But all the imagination just ends with a jerking off only, I du even dare to tell my gay friends about these.

Recently I got a big turn on with some fictions about bareback, stealth, breeding, pozzing, which make me extremely horny and hard I dun know why, and I just add these ideas in my previous fantasy each time I jerk off myself, and I would tell it shooting likes a fountain every time! It is disgraceful I should say, but I just can't stop imagining. I even have wrote some related fiction (in Chinese), placing myself to be the main character in the story. I hope it will lighten the desire of it.

Sorry for disturbing your life with my pale story, I really need a tree hole to shout at.