THE UNHOLY HOMO-SCOPE

[PaganzofLA]

Mid–Late June 2025: The 13" Double Dong of the Damned Edition

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♈ ARIES (18 Apr – 13 May)
You’re loud, you’re fast, and you’re probably lying to yourself—again. Jupiter wants you to podcast your trauma, but Neptune's exposing your bluff like an ex with receipts and screenshots. You talk a big game, Aries, but June’s here to see if you actually swing. Around the 24th, that “bold idea” might just be your last coherent thought before it spirals into some Scorpio's OnlyFans revenge arc. Speak now, or be memed forever.

♉ TAURUS (13 May – 21 Jun)
Uranus is fisting your fourth house and guess what? That lease, that lover, that fake-ass "roommate situation"—it’s all shaking loose. You hoard comfort like White folks hoard heirlooms stolen from Black and Brown people’s history. News flash: gentrification comes for the soul too. A so-called "practical friend" offers advice on the 26th; they’re either the angel you’ve been ignoring or the devil you deserve.

♊ GEMINI (21 Jun – 20 Jul)
Gemini, your tongue could charm a priest into a gangbang. With Jupiter lighting you up like a tricked-out El Camino on bath salts, it’s your moment—so don't fuck it up by being flaky. The 27th is your wet dream: desire meets delusion in a 7-Eleven parking lot wearing pleather and bad intentions. Choose the fantasy that hurts better. Choose the truth you won’t outlive.

♋ CANCER (20 Jul – 10 Aug)
Soft on the outside, twisted on the inside. Daddy Saturn’s schooling you in emotional restraint while Neptune’s stroking your psychic nips. You crave domestic peace, but you’ve got a generational curse dancing the cha-cha in your bloodline. Set boundaries or be eaten alive by relatives who wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire. Around the 28th, light the match yourself.

♌ LEO (10 Aug – 16 Sep)
Strut, pose, combust. Your season’s approaching like a jealous drag queen with brass knuckles. Neptune’s trine has you glowing like Miss Cleo in a thunderstorm—but can you share the damn stage? The 23rd throws you a bone (maybe literally), so snatch it with both hands and don’t let go. Give the audience drama, Leo. They paid to see you bleed glitter.

♍ VIRGO (16 Sep – 30 Oct)
Tidy bitch, dirty secrets. Saturn’s whispering “submit” while Pluto begs you to dismantle the entire fucking system. You could have it all—love, work, a sensible water-based lube—but you’d rather organize your trauma like it’s your spice rack. Around the 29th, throw your résumé into a bonfire and reinvent yourself as a masked dominatrix with a PhD. Yes, Daddy Discipline is watching.

♎ LIBRA (30 Oct – 23 Nov)
Pretty is a prison and you know it. You’ve been balancing scales like Lady Justice with a blindfold soaked in privilege. Pluto’s asking you to monetize your midlife crisis and call it a rebrand. The 24th? A random invite could be the start of your OnlyFans empire or your true crime doc. You decide. Just don’t be charming. Be consequential.

♏ SCORPIO (23 Nov – 29 Nov)
The season of blood lightens, but your libido does not. Mars is done ruining your timeline, but you're still texting your ex like they're the only one who understood your dark poetry and kink for betrayal. Detox, Scorpio—but not from the juice. Detox from the narrative. Your villain arc is showing, and honestly, it's never looked better.

⛎ OPHIUCHUS (29 Nov – 17 Dec)
The forgotten freak of the zodiac. You were never meant to be understood, only feared or fetishized. Jupiter’s got your name in bold, and your enemies on speed dial. A new partner appears around the 26th—read the terms in blood, not fine print. Health improves if you stop smoking everyone else's bullshit. You are the 14th Apostle of chaos. Preach.

♐ SAGITTARIUS (17 Dec – 20 Jan)
You're the centaur who fucked their way into a Harvard fellowship and still didn’t read the syllabus. Jupiter’s got your relationships high-key dramatic—one's a ghost, one’s a god, and the last one is your therapist. Neptune’s foggy lies got you cosplaying a truth-teller. On the 28th, adventure will knock. Let it in. Then tie it up. Then make it scream your dead name.

♑ CAPRICORN (20 Jan – 16 Feb)
Pluto’s exit left a smoking crater in your five-year plan. That’s okay—you were never going to die peacefully anyway. Saturn says it’s time to build something sacred, but all you want is control. Money shifts are coming like foreclosures in 2008—get ahead or get eaten. Your legacy’s a mausoleum of good intentions and weaponized politeness. Blow it up.

♒ AQUARIUS (16 Feb – 11 Mar)
You’re evolving, mutating, becoming—but you still can’t commit to a haircut. Pluto in your sign is the long game, baby. You’re the meme and the manifesto. Around the 25th, love walks in wearing fishnets and a PhD. Show up, show out, show hole. You’re a revolution in jockstrap form.

♓ PISCES (11 Mar – 18 Apr)
The dream is dead, and you're still fucking it. Saturn in your sign is a wake-up call—and Neptune’s letting your fantasies run wild like frat boys on Molly. You know what’s real? Your exhaustion. Your power. Your bleeding, queer soul screaming beneath the angelic costume. On the 23rd, shut everything off and listen: the sea is speaking in your mother tongue.