FIRST of all ... forgive my spelling, grammar, and poor sentence structure. My "life goal" was to fuck for a living, so I didn't feel it necessary to retain all that jazz. Plus I don't like jazz 😁

THE BIRDS AND BEES:

Stupidest fucking title ever for the "sex talk". Sounds more like a national geographic special to me. When my mom first asked me if I could cum. I replied "come where?" 

First some background. I was the youngest of 2 children in a divorced household. I have an older sister by 3 years. I was born in 1984. So growing up the internet wasn't really a thing and TV was highly censored. Except that one time the music channel 'the box' attempted to accidentally on purpose fully educated all of any America that might be watching, but I'll come back to that later

 So figuring out sex is hard when growing up.  It was also the one and only thing I was interested in figuring out. For me it drew my intrigue more and more every time a parent or older kid would tell me not to worry about it if I asked anything slightly related to the topic. They tell me to turn my head "don't watch" if a sex scene came on...and l the same for a scary scenes. So I knew sex was scary for sure. ✔️  

Both parents at different times half-ass attempted to give a keynote part of a discussion they were actually having with my older sister. Basically I got women have an egg in their body and men give them sperm from their body when they love each other to make a baby...  

I had SO many questions. That I knew I wasn't allowed to ask. So I didn't bother. I was wondering why are people that are in love having sex?  It is scary and bad. And I was definitely going to be on the look out for those sperms that look like tadpoles. I figured they just fell out like the ones I see in a pond then it grows into a baby instead of a frog... then the girl puts it in her egg... sounded like a magic trick... I didn't know how to do any magic tricks but they didn't seem scary or bad to me. I knew something was up.

A lie! I knew about lies. My sister told me about them a long time ago. Never believed in Santa because my sister explained that it was a lie. Something parents or adults tell you that is not real and yoy just pretend to believe them because you get presents. ✔️🎁

Older kids eventually told me some things. But I couldn't check the facts with adults because the lie they lived in and I couldn't ask the older kids to explain because I would get made fun of. A lot I picked up on but didn't realize it was sex related. Like dry humping. Thought that was just a fun game kids did. Untill some kid told her parents and they told mine and I got in trouble. So when I got in trouble that would put another puzzle piece into place. Connect the dots. So now I knew humping was bad and they want me to think sex is bad so humping is DEFINITELY sex related. Somehow. "Love" then a tadpole sperms, dry humping,  and a girl with her eggs... to make a baby... but always pretend it's scary and bad. Call me inspector gagit, because this puzzle was almost solved.  🧩🔍

 I got my biggest, most helpful puzzle piece when I was 10. Back then you could leave your little kids at home unattended and it wasn't a big deal to most people. And my sister and I were unattended for a small time before and after school most days. My grandparents were just around the corner if we needed anything and this particular morning my grandpa was at our mother's house while we got ready for school. My sister was looking for a VSH tape to record a show or made a video for school or something. She put one in the VCR and suddenly I saw naked people. Moaning, screaming, humping  with phone numbers to call. Then with a quickness my grandpa shut it off, snatched it up, and told me it was for me and to not worry about it. I knew it had to be sex related when he said that. I had to see that tape again! Maybe even call those phone numbers if I had to.

I saw where my grandpa put that tape and I kept close track of it for what seemed like forever. Waiting for any time I might have the house completely to myself. That hardly ever happened because they always left my sister to watch me. But the following school year I was told my sister would be going to school 30 mins before me.... because she's jr high and I gotta be big boy and get myself on bus and blah blah blah. All I heard was exactly what I had been waiting for, time alone.  Time to finish the sex puzzle.

The first day of school I ran to the tape. No case or cover. Just a title sticker that read "hoochie fuck nasty" I wasn't even sure how to pronounce hoochie but popped it in. So it's naked couples humping and moaning and the boy parts going in the girl parts and then they guy is peeing a little on the girl. Now looking back I know It had Peter North in a scene and another had Ron Jeremy, lazy long dicking a girl by a pool. I had less than 30 mins. Fast forwarding, playing, over and over trying to take it all in. Then as anyone from that time knew always rewind... to exactly where it was when you put it in if you don't want anyone to know. 

I was still lost as I went to school. Definitely didn't see any sperms or eggs. Wondering why it's such a big deal if it's just naked people humping. I had seen naked people and humped people and things plenty. Why is the whole world lying to me about it and when the fuck am I going to get the present?! 😡🧐

Couple days later I had completed the full tape and had started investing the other tape by the first. It was sticker titled "devil in miss jones" <part 3>. At least I could pronounce those words and the word devil sounded scary.  sex is scary so I had been lead to belive. The first scene really caught my attention. The one gal was mad and yelling. It was bad, like sex. Then the other girl got her pubes shaved and then back to the naked humping. Fast forward. Mad girl goes to bar and naked humps another guy. Fast forward. She's on a different bed with a tombstone at the head talking to a sassy black man about... being dead? ... wait, rewind...