I have just stayed awake all night 1 g of coke, hot, horney and sexed up. contacted an escort top who i used to see regularly a couple of years ago - visits fell off after I had surgery and could not get up to the sort of activities i wanted to and when i could after 2 months I picked up with a tatooted poz guy i had an affair with almost 1 2years ago - call him Poz Pig.

Ironically, over the last few years I have moved on at a pace towards raunchy dirty pig sex. it sort of started when i met Poz Pig, perhaps this need to breed is in all of us - a primeaval instinct. To be honest - I don't bareback - not with abandonment anyway, if i do it's usually a lapse - a dip in and a no, no more. i am the sensible product of the 1980s - pre combination therapy when HIV was a death sentence. I use t o volunteer in my youth for HIV organisations. I had a relationship with Poz Pig, who was infected pre retrovirals and had to go through all the AIDS diseases which are now uncommon. I suppose i've changed, life's changed - I'm not the person I was. Rough pig sex works me in a way vanilla plain doesn't. Apart from the odd lapses, use condoms when I fuck and get fucked. In backrooms and saunas (and indeed with escorts) figuring those who bareback or tolerate bb or is happy with risk taking, is pretty easy. Ive used Poz escorts who I know breed and enjoy breeding, I suppose it brought me closest to something that speaks directly to me, although it's always been fucking with condoms with them. Increasingly for me, the type of sex I have and need is so much an integral part of me I can no longer separate. Poz Pig - with an undetectable viral load has fucked me bare and he's turned me to being fisted - we meet up to do this every month or so - the last 2 times in a sauna with me in a sling - it was incredible - to be opened up wide, punch fucked and then alternated with Poz Pigs bare cock fucked into my wide open hole, surrounded by a ring of guys wanking and shooting their hot load over my chest and strangers working their hands into my already open hole. This is the type of sex that does it for me now. These guys would have been pretty turned on by shooting and wanking into my open hole and I would have wanted that, but Poz Pig is responsible and we do discuss risks and levels of sensible behaviour. In fact we have decided to go back to safer sex - it was just slipping into what I needed - i went through the speculum and piss fucking me.

This July I will be turning 50. I have never had a proper fuck - a big part of fucking for me is the giving up of your hole to another man, letting him enter me, occupying me, letting him take control - it's can also be incredibly intimate. increasingly I find a condom a huge turn off , when fucking I want to feel the man inside me, not rubber, I want to feel his cock raw, hard, slippery with precum, I want to allow the precum to work on my arse, to allow the precum to lube my hole and to feel the cock head enter me, forcing open my arse. I want to feel know that he's shot his load in me, entering me, filling me inside with hot cum, an expression of ownership, an indication of having been taken, feeling the cum slip out, knowing that I've been worked wide open. Fucking is about sharing and establishing a closeness and having cum inside is so much a part of that. For me it is also about owning and laying claim - and having your cum deep inside someone symbolises that so well. Dare I say, breeding and and being bred fits that bill even better - a primitive instinct in all of us - the laying of ownership is permanent , being bred by someone who means something to you is like a coming together and an establishment of closeness and a sharing, a strong act of possessing.

As i approach my 50th birthday this July, I have made a decision which I have struggled with. I can't live the rest of my life without having ever having had a man inside me the way I need it. I know it seems a bit mawkish - surely lots of men have great sex with condoms, For me, perhaps it's an evolution of who I am, an expression of what I am and a way of actioning what is meaningful to me. Perhaps a naive part of me feels that changing contexts mean we might have to re evaluate what we are abel to live with balanced with what it means to us and whether we are prepared to put up with the consequences. With combination therapy, people with HIV are living longer, almost normal lives - lets not mislead ourselves HIV is still a very serious term condition with very potent medication required to manage it adn serious side effects. My own life is changing, fucking strangely wasn't an important sexual activity for me. About 4 years ago it changed - I discovered my arse, my sphincter and my second sphincter. A small selecton of (embarrassingly) smallish toys (long disposed off) has now become a huge array of mega toys worthy of a Soho shop, fist sized sculptural objects that look more suited as door stops or garden ornaments. I have discovered the intense satisfaction that good arse play brings -the intense shuddering body shaking orgasms that can only be achieved through expert lengthy and deep anal work. It was a revelation being fisted and a happy day when I stumbled onto my second sphincter. I've turned into a pig, I have a pig cunt, I enjoy using it, am vastly turned by being fucked publicly on a sling, even more so if there's a queue! Recreational chems - yes, there are risks - are increasingly common (with gay men anyway) and for those of us who are pigs, have certainly enhanced what we do and experience - sex will never be the same again. There is a part of me that still thinks HIV - where we can should be avoided and safe sex is the answer. There's also another part of me that's now so different to who i was a few years ago. Arse play, fucking and the importance of having and feeling the cock and cum as part of that, and as part of what it all means, has changed for me and not having or being able to do this is increasing leaving a void and unnatural completeness. I'm also too far down the pig road - bare cock and cum sprayed holes are what turns me on.

So I have reached a decision, I will make contact again with the escort from 2 years ago. I've looke dhim up on Gaydar - he has tracked me and replied - let's call him Dom Top - two years ago, a definite connection was there - a muscled 6' 4' dominant active top who seemed to know what I needed and was prepared to edge me along, pushing my boundaries, giving me a safe space to play out my darkest fantasies, the mixture of hard, rough and at times physical and verbal humiliation interspaced with what an only be described as gentle protectiveness, had been starting to work perhaps too well, I was no longer just accepting a submissive role but was beginning to believe it and to want it very much. I felt that he knew me better than I did and seemed to tap into a darker more troubled side that I had buried. He had started to take me on a path that I was not sure I want to be on. After all this was the escort - it's still fresh in my mind - who on my first visit fucked me hard - and then pulled out his cock from my arse and then forced it in my mouth - I enjoy the company of escorts but rarely do they shoot their load - and the very full cum filled condom off his cock, made me - shot his load - taking me and understand if things hadn't happened as they did, and I continued to see him, I start to enjoy being used by a Top. Since then Poz Top has taught to trust another enough take a fist deep inside, to experience, accept and enjoy being violated and eing violated, to trust another to he's also pissed deep inside me and gave me my first bare fuck. I get the sense that Dom Top will ethat when fisting me on and accept my part in meeting subjecting me to - Poz Pig and Dom Top were the 2 guys who introduced me to my darker side, bringing out the pig in me. I will work out a plan to resolve my uncertainties involving both of them. As I approach my 50th birthday, it is time to allow the darker side of me to emerge.