I'm smart, I'm ambitious, and I have lost way too many friends to AIDS over the years to take HIV lightly. I hate HIV and AIDS, and I don't want to suffer the illness and dance with death that so many people close to me have fought.

Yet I can't stop reading this and similar sites.

I can't count the number of times I've gotten off to breeding stories.

I've watched almost every video on barebackbastards and xtube (searching for "verbal poz breed") so I can share the charge that comes from watching and hearing a poz top take total control over his bottom.

I must be totally sick and twisted.

I've had guys use condoms when they fuck me since I was 13 years old - that is, until the last few years. After 20 years of condom use, I slipped while attending a conference in Seattle. I cruised a random gay cruising site and found a hot black man with a gorgeous cock who came to my hotel around 10pm. We started messing around, and he got rock hard while fucking my throat. He climbed on top of me and we resumed making out while grinding on each other. Next thing I knew, his raw cock was halfway in my front hole (I'm a very masculine, gay transman that likes to fucked too much to have lower surgery - I'm much more concerned about my Top's cock than my own). I bucked and got him out of me, insisting he use a condom. He was a nice guy and obliged. But something had exploded in my head in those moments. I had felt - for just a few seconds - what a warm, raw cock could feel like. After we started fucking - "safe" - for a few minutes, I stopped him, pulled off the condom, and said "just this once - it's okay if you pull out." We fucked like crazy for hours before he came on my chest and passed out. I woke up around 4 in the morning a changed man. As he slept, this stranger I had met only hours before, I worked his cock until it was hard enough for me to mount him - he awoke to me riding him bareback. This time, he came before he could pull out. That was my first load. I promised myself I wouldn't do that again, but that if I did, I'd limit it to my front hole since was safer than my ass.

Then I had a business trip to New Orleans a month later. Again, I cruised the local gay sites and found a bearish black guy who wanted to fuck. When he first arrived, I was disappointed. He had one of the smallest cocks I've ever seen - only about 3-4 inches. I figured I'd do my best to get off, and send him away in a matter of minutes. The dude totally surprised me, though. He knew how to use what he had, and ended up being an incredible fuck. He didn't like condoms, he said, but was willing to use one if I insisted. We started fucking, and the guy was so compact and aggressive that he had me in more positions than I could count. He was tossing me around, hitting me, and telling me what a faggot and whore I was. He started fucking my front hole, then moved to my ass, and then started alternating between both holes, pounding away like crazy. The guy had stamina. After a while we took a break. We were still horny as hell, though, and started to fuck around again when I realized we had thrown away the last condom. I was so damn conflicted, but I couldn't say no. I told him he could fuck me raw as long as he didn't go into my ass and came on my chest. He fucked my mancunt like crazy and then came hard inside of me. I should have been upset, but instead passed out. When we woke up, we started fucking - following the rules of the following evening, but my ass felt way too empty after the pounding it had taken the night before. While he had me on all fours, fucking me doggystyle, I begged him to stop a second. Taking a big breath, I moved his cock to my ass and told him to fuck it raw (but "please come on my back"). I can still remember how that bare cock felt entering my ass raw for the first time. I didn't know the guy's HIV status, and didn't ask. I just knew I was taking my rightful place as his fukhole, and doing what I should to make my top happy. And man, was he happy. He worked my ass artfully, telling me the entire time that he was fucking me raw and that my ass was his. My organism came like an earthquake, and he pulled out saying he couldn't come. It was only after he left, when I felt cum dripping out of my hole, that I realized he had enjoyed our time together as much as I had.

That was just the beginning. I have many more stories I could share if folks are interested - from semi-regular fuk buddies to the backrooms of Amsterdam. I'm still negative and would like to stay that way. Yet I'm in love with raw cock and taking anonymous loads. What the fuck am I doing?