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May 2015. Three months into me using chems and being a bottom slut. I arranged to hook up with a guy I’d had a couple of hnh sessions with who was also a dealer. When I got to his place, we blew some clouds then he said he had to deliver to a client nearby. We headed over there and it was a group. I thought we were just dropping off but my mate got chatting to the client in the hallway and the pipe kept getting passed around. We ended up going through to the main room where the group was in action. 5 guys, all younger than me with a couple of real hot ones: an Arab with a big dark cut dick and a very young looking white guy, also hung. Lots of chems passed around in short time including G and K as well as plenty of pipe. At some point I find myself on all fours in bed, kissing my mate who is directing the others to take it in turns on my hole. And what sends me over the edge first time is hearing them talk about how hot my piggy ass looks and feels. I’d shaved it first time ever that week.

This morning I was laying in bed jacking off to porn on my phone and I just had this intense urge to stop taking PrEP – to just be done with sitting on the fence and choose to actually be poz. I know if I go off it now there's a good chance I'll get pozzed when I'm in Key West & Ft. Lauderdale. I mean I'm advertising for toxic tops, so there's a greater chance risk will find me… So my heart wants to be poz, but I think my rational side will prevail – at least to a point. I'll skip my pills today (as I have a few days in the past week), but then take it the next few days before leaving on the trip on Sunday (and leaving my pills in NYC). That'll give me at least minimal protection. But a big part of me is asking if I'm willing to go this far, why not go further? Then the question is how much PrEP I'll take when I get back from my trip. There's the question of the first day or two, and then what to do moving forward. We'll have to see what feels right at that point. I'm not sure there's any point in taking it the first day or two. I probably won't have having additional sex those days. Truvada is designed to stop HIV from infecting you, it's not designed to stop replication. So if I'm infected on the trip, I don't know that Truvada could stop the infection – just slow it down. But I do go in for my quarterly PrEP screening the day after I get back (including an HIV test)… Though I doubt that test would come back poz even if I were infected since it's so soon after exposure. Right now I think I'll move forward with pretty minimal PrEP. I'm thinking never more than 2 days in a row. And only take it when I have sex. So if I've been a good cumdump and have taken anonymous loads (or loads from guys who I know little about) in the past 10 days, then I'll be allowed to take it the night before I have plans to take multiple anon loads. Otherwise just take it the night after taking a stranger's load, and the following day if I didn't take it the day before and I got multiple loads. So basically never more than 2 in a row, 0 pills for known fuck buds who are shooting blanks (undetectable or on PrEP), 1 pill after a single load, and 2 pills for multiple loads. I've also been thinking about my 50th birthday which is coming up in a month or two. There's a CumUnion party the night before. I'm thinking I'll go so I can ring in my birthday with a cummy ass. And no PrEP will be allowed for that night of sex (or a couple days before). After all, if someone wants to give me a birthday gift, taking PrEP would be like refusing their gift, which is sorta rude…

I went to a gangbang yesterday. I'm vers and love seeing cumdumps take anonymous loads, love the feel of a cummy hole on my dick, etc. Yeah, I wish I were the one taking the loads, but the next best thing is giving one to a hot cumdump. So I get there and there are already 3 other tops in the room. One of the tops (an older daddy) pulls out and lets another of the tops (a smooth muscular guy with a curved dick) fuck the bottom. Then that top pulls out and lets the 3rd top (a black guy) fuck the bottom. Then while he's fucking the bottom a 5th top joins the group. He's jacking his dick but having problems getting hard enough to fuck. When the black guy cums and pulls out, the new guy (who's still soft) takes over the bottom despite the fact that there are 3 of us with rock hard dicks who are ready and willing to fuck the bottom. He starts rimming / felching the cumdump while the 3 of us are just standing there jacking rock hard cocks. That's a total no-no in gangbang etiquette – the most ready person is the one who fucks the bottom, and if guys are equally ready, the one who hasn't had a chance to fuck the bottom (recently) gets to fuck. You absolutely don't monopolize the bottom's hole when you're not ready to fuck. The bottom is there to get loads, not there to get felched. (Or at least be really quick about it). The smooth muscle guy starts playing with the daddy, aiming the daddy's dick at his ass. I don't think they actually fuck though. Meanwhile the smooth guy is playing with my dick and starts rubbing his ass on my dick. Since the bottom was busy getting rimmed / felched by the guy with the soft dick, I stick my dick up the smooth guy's ass. I had no intention of giving him a proper fucking, and definitely not a load – that was reserved for the gangbang bottom, but it was nice to get my dick wet – even if it's not in the gangbang bottom's ass. Then the daddy starts playing with my ass. He's taller than me, and the smooth guy is shorter, so I have to get on my toes a bit to get the daddy's cock in my ass (good thing I cleaned out before going). That sorta pulls my dick out of the smooth muscle guy. The daddy isn't in me but a couple of seconds when the guy with the soft dick finally lets one of us take a turn. I need to run and I knew I'd cum quickly, and I was the only one in the room who hadn't had a chance to fuck the bottom, so I stepped forward and I blew my load in under a dozen strokes. All I could think about was that I wanted to be a poz cumdump like the guy I was fucking. There are times when I'm a good cumdump, but I don't get anywhere near the number of loads that guy gets. He's younger (can't do anything about that), and has a better body (that I'm working on) so more guys wanna fuck him. And he's poz… There's something After I was done one of other tops stepped forward and fucked the bottom. My dick refused to go down, so I slipped it in smooth muscle guy again for a few strokes and then went on my way. I needed to get to the gym and then get to a bar to have drinks with friends. You'd think the story would end there, but I'm at the gym doing my first set of hammer curls and I feel a bit of a wetness like water was coming down from when I douched. But I didn't douche all that deeply, so I was a bit confused. I finished all 3 sets of hammer curls and went to the bathroom. I wipe and I get a clear viscous fluid. I smell and I'm 90% sure it was cum! So the daddy managed to breed me for the few seconds he was in there! That was an unexpected (pleasant) surprise. Now I think it's bad etiquette for the daddy to have bred me unless he had already given a load to the cumdump. Even if it was his second load it probably should have gone in the cumdump, but the cumdump was busy (sorta – a more take-charge top would have pushed the soft dick guy aside and given a 2nd load to the cumdump). Maybe it was bad form for me and the smooth muscle guy to get fucked, but we were just killing time waiting for the limp dick guy to get done hogging the bottom. I would never have cum in the smooth guy, so I feel like what I did wasn't all that horrible. The gangbang bottom managed to get 40 loads after just 4 hours, so none of the etiquette failures mattered this time around. I gotta say I'm totally jealous. I want to be just like him – fitter / more muscular, and maybe even poz! ?

So I started taking random loads before PrEP came out. And then just around the time that it was approved by the FDA was when I finally got comfortable with the idea of being a cumdump, taking any and all loads, and eventually getting pozzed. I went to a few sex parties, bent over and took loads from anyone who'd fuck me. But then I realized I could be a cumdump and stay neg if I went on PrEP, so that's what I did. That was the spring of 2013 – nearly 5 years ago now. But I gotta say there's something really anti-climatic about PrEP. I miss the risk – whether I'm taking the risk or the bottom I'm fucking is taking it. And honestly, when you get to the point where you're OK with converting, that grows on you over time to the point where now I actually want to be poz. I'm not to the point of actively chasing – more like I want to take significant, calculated risks. A few weeks ago I saw an article on Poz.com that, among other things, mentioned that there was still >90% protection a week after people stop taking PrEP. That got me thinking… I had a trip scheduled to Key West at the end of October – maybe I should just not take any PrEP with me. I'd be down there for 8 days. So based on the data, that means I'll still have about 90% coverage. BUT, even now, I don't take PrEP every day. So my protection will be a bit less. And it turns me on that I don't know how much less. My goal for that week is to get 100 loads of cum up my ass. Give at least one load a day. And manage to get a fist up my ass. (And workout, go to the nude beach, etc.) Basically I'm there to be a slut. I'm a little worried about the 100 load goal, so I might start my week early by going to a bathhouse the day before I leave. In that case if I can get at least 5 loads at the bathhouse, I'll skip PrEP that day too. That put me up to 9 days skipped. And then I was thinking if I've taken PrEP within 24 hours of having sex, then I'm not really "off PrEP" when I'm taking those loads. So I'm tempted to skip another day, but I'm thinking 10 days is more risk than I'm comfortable with. On top of that I posted a #neg4poz gangbang party ad on BBRT for the last night of the trip (in Ft. Lauderdale). I'm telling guys to pretend their toxic even if they aren't so I don't really know what I'm getting up my ass. I figure that should give some anonymity to the tops who really are toxic. If there's lots of poz talk and everyone is saying they're blowing a toxic load and infecting me, then the truly toxic tops can mix into that and there's plausible deniability for them – that they're lying just like everyone else. But the idea of taking toxic loads when I'm 8 or 9 days off PrEP is both a turn on and a worry. A small part of me is saying "life is good, why are you doing this?" but the bigger part of me is just sorta numb and wanting it to happen. I want this to be a reoccurring thing – once or twice a year I go somewhere to be a slut and don't take my PrEP with me. I'm in the 2 week period before going where I should be taking Truvada every day and getting my serum drug levels up. But I've already skipped a day or two. I'm telling myself I only get PrEP when I do significant exercise (a half hour + of weights or cycling). But the last 4-5 days I will take it every day regardless. So the plan is in motion. Who knows? Maybe in a month I'll have fuck flu. But more likely I'll still be neg. I like not knowing… [I'll try to keep blogging during this whole adventure. I want to log my thoughts and feelings…]