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A couple hours ago I hooked up with this guy who I'd fucked in the past when he was a bug chaser and I'm like 90% sure I've got a toxic load in my unPrEPped neg ass right now. 😈☣️ When I fucked him before I was vague about my status back then since I knew I was neg and his fantasy was that I was poz and toxic, but it turned me on that he was chasing. He was this clean-cut, muscle frat boy type - not the type you'd expect to be trying to get pozzed. Last fall he'd told me he didn't really know his status since he hadn't been tested in a while. But lately I had noticed that his BBRT profile said "positive", so I assumed he had converted or at least assumed he had converted. Today he thought we were "swapping strains". My dick wasn't completely cooperating (tired from the bike ride over there). So we took a break and I asked if he wanted to jack off and stick his dick in my ass as he was humming (most of the time I'm not in the mood to bottom - I prefer topping). He had been rock hard the whole time and it took him like 5 seconds to shove into me. Even though he didn't go in far it hurt like hell and felt like it was ripping a bit. It was as he was humming that I finally said "poz me, poz my neg ass". But he still probably figured it was fantasy talk. When he pulled out (he was barely in) I got up and told him I'd had a neg test two weeks ago and hadn't taken PrEP in two years. That's pretty much the truth. Last time I took PrEP was February 2020, and I had been really sloppy about taking PrEP since late 2017 (e.g. slightly more loads in my ass than pills of PrEP since then). He seemed a bit hesitant when he responded. He said he'd finally gotten a confirmation test last month (later he told me it was a home test) and he was going to wait as long as possible to go on meds. Taking his toxic load got me rock hard, unfortunately he's one of those guys who can't get fucked after they cum. Too bad - I could have given him my last neg load… I'm rock hard as I write this. In thinking about it I've been seriously considering getting pozzed for over a decade. In the late 90s I was turned on by the risk the guys were taking in TIM videos. And I remember being in bed at MAL in 2011 with a friend/fuckbuddy who was poz and not on meds and him offering to blow a load in me to make it happen. I almost took him up on it then. It just grew and grew over the years. Now the only thing I think about when I jack off is either getting pozzed or pozzing guys. As I'm getting older I figured it was kinda now or never. My only misgiving at this point is the awkward conversations I'll need to have with a few people at some point in the future. I texted with the guy after and he said he thinks he knows who pozzed him. He did have "the flu" back in December, but it wasn't too bad. I just hope I don't get fuck flu at an inconvenient or awkward time… At some point I'll have him give me another load - just to make sure it takes. Now to find some neg bottoms to fuck… POSTSCRIPT: I tested neg a few weeks later (on a NAAT test that can detect HIV before there are antibodies). Either the guy wasn't toxic, or he faked cumming in me, or it all leaked out on the bike ride home, or it just wasn't enough virus to infect me.

A lot has been going through my mind the past 5 days since I took what I think was a toxic load… The first night I didn't sleep all that well (excitement, not worry). Then the next day I realized nothing except possibly my status has changed. But if I'm poz it does change some of my priorities. I came the morning after, but now I'm going to try to not cum except when I'm fucking someone. That said, my libido hasn't been all that strong. I've been reading about viral loads. I knew the basics, but not the particulars. Upon doing some research I learned HIV hides out in the lymph nodes near your groin and then when they replicate a certain amount HIV "bursts" into your blood stream and that's when you're actually toxic. Apparently that's around Day 8. Then weeks 2-4 (first half of July) I'll be the most infectious I'll ever be. The weeks 10-24 (late August to Thanksgiving) I'll have a low, but detectable viral load, then it slowly builds. BUT the problem is getting anything but the mildest case of fuck flu is a problem right now since I have an international trip scheduled at the end of the month. SO, my plan is to start taking PrEP in order to keep a lid on the infection and keep my fuck flu mild. (At least that's what I hope will happen). So Sunday (~10 days after taking the load) I'll start taking PrEP every other day. Then I'll ramp that up to daily, and then taper down again before I come home. Even after I get back there's an event scheduled where it would be a problem if I were down for the count with fuck flu, so I'll take a little bit until that's over. If it works the worst case scenario is that I become meds resistant for Truvada (and that's not a huge negative in my book 😈). I knew I had all those complications when I took the load, but I took it anyway because at the end of the day there just isn't a convenient time to have fuck flu. I'm really hoping I can control any symptoms with PrEP. It'll suck if I can't. But, taking PrEP means I'll be knocking down my viral load. So that whole 2-4 weeks, and 10-24 weeks timeline may not really apply to me. But at the end of the day I'm happy whether my viral load is 50,000 or 1 million. Actually, I'm happier with 50,000 since, if I can keep the viral level low, but high enough to knock guys up, then that's a plus. It means I can probably stay off meds longer, and poz more guys who are chasing (actively and passively). The other issue is that I was going to take a home HIV test a month after I took the load. Normally that would be pretty accurate, but apparently people who started ARV therapy quickly after infection (which is kinda what I'm doing by taking Truvada) take longer to develop antibodies. And home tests are antibody tests. So I'll probably wait a few more weeks to test, or try to do multiple tests. But it'll be really frustrating to not know if I'm poz or not… Oh, in other news… I figured out the guy who gave me the load is an OnlyFans model. (No, I won't tell you which one.) I knew he was hot, but hadn't realized he had turned his good looks into a profession (or at least a significant side hustle). A couple people I talked to about him did confirm they knew he was a bug chaser, so that ups the odds of him telling the truth about being toxic. Now the question is whether he's actually toxic or just a good sex worker feeding into someone's fantasy (a fantasy he shares). A lot of the guys who get into poz fetish aren't for real - they're on PrEP or already undetectable. My gut tells me that he's telling the truth, and I kinda trust my impression of him (I'm a pretty good judge of people), BUT it could just be wishful thinking on my part. Doing some more calculations with dates – my possible "poz daddy" said he had a mild fuck flu in December. So backing that up it means he was probably pozzed around Thanksgiving (roughly). So he was at week ~28 after infection. So (if he's having an "average" infection) he'd be about a month out of his period of low viral load. That's actually fine with me. The higher his viral load the more problems I'll have with fuck flu. POSTSCRIPT: I tested neg a few weeks later (on a NAAT test that can detect HIV before there are antibodies). Either the guy wasn't toxic, or he faked cumming in me, or it all leaked out on the bike ride home, or it just wasn't enough virus to infect me.