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To the deep conversations we never have. I’m trying to get outside the house more— to meet new people, to make new connections, to expand my opportunities. And one of the ways I’ve been doing this is by participating in events organised by gay groups on Meetup. One of the most recent ones I went to was a picnic at Carlton Gardens during the Easter Saturday long weekend. I didn’t have much expectation when I got there. And I did have mixed feelings about it. It was good, in the sense that we were able to talk and mingle with a lot of different people. The event host encouraged us to get up every 30 minutes or so, to talk to someone new, to shift into different groups, and we just… started talking. But what I found— and I should have expected— was that every time you meet someone new, you have to reintroduce yourself. What’s your name? Have you been to events like this before? What nationality are you? How long have you lived in Australia? What are your interests? Your hobbies? The event went for four hours. And afterwards, on my way home, I counted how many people I’d talked to. Eighteen. That’s eighteen times I had to say who I am, what I do, what I like. Eighteen mini versions of myself, cut, pasted, passed around. And it was—honestly—exhausting. I do thrive on one-on-one connection, peeling back the layers of someone, getting to the core of their personality. And to speed through people like this, to graze across the surface over and over again, was definitely not something I’m used to. In the end, I didn’t feel like I’d connected with anyone on a level that made me want to exchange contact information. I’m sure the people I met are sophisticated and layered. But the amount of time we’re given— it’s just not enough to really see someone. Even the ones who might’ve been a potential match, I wouldn’t have known. Because we never got there. We never reached that level of intimacy. But I did walk away with something valuable. Towards the end of the get-together, a few of us were chatting about dating apps. Someone mentioned one I’d never heard of before— Hinge. So, like the curious gremlin that I am, I went home, checked out the app, created a profile. And honestly? I was surprised. It’s not like Grindr or Jack’d. Everything about Hinge feels intentional. They make you upload at least six photos of yourself—so no blank profiles. You’re required to fill out prompts, ones that actually encourage conversation. And the way each profile is set up— it’s like a photo album, sprinkled with little texts, little insights into a person’s world. It’s beautiful. It’s refreshing. It works. So far, I’ve had a few meaningful conversations with people I probably wouldn’t have reached otherwise. So would I go to another event like that picnic again? Probably not. But then again— it depends on how I’m feeling that day. Either way, it’s still a win because I found out about the Hinge app, another tool in my pocket, for this muddy, confusing, occasionally beautiful landscape we all call dating.

During the second wave of COVID I was having a bout of insomnia so I hopped on Grindr. Within a couple minutes I got a "Sup?" from an average looking guy that was within a mile. I replied back and he asked what I was doing up and I told him I couldn't sleep and he said same. Looking at his profile I noticed he had safe sex only listed as well as being a vers top. I was a little bummed because I wasn't really cleaned out for bottoming, and, when I do bottom, I want a guy's load in there. He asked if I was up for coming over to his place, and I asked him what he was looking to do. He said he was looking to top. He sent a picture of his cock and it was impressive, about 8 inches long and thick at the base. I told him I needed to prep and shower and he said that wasn't a problem. Half an hour later I put on a jock strap, a hoodie, and sweats and walked over to his place which took about 15-20 minutes. He buzzed me up to his place and I knocked on his door and he opened it up for me. We exchanged greetings and I followed him in to a tiny but modern studio. I kicked off my shoes and he poured me a glass of wine. We exchanged small talk for a bit but his personality rubbed me a bit the wrong way, so I nudged the conversation towards sex and I could see his cock harden in his sweats. We put our wine down and stood up and started kissing. I put my hand down the front of his sweats and grabbed on to his cock which was almost as thick as a soda can at the base. He put his hands down the back of my sweats and felt my underwear. "Oh, a jock strap?" he asked as he grabbed my ass cheeks. "Yep," I replied, "easy access." He pulled off my hoodie and turned me around and pushed me up to his dining table, pulling my sweats down as well. He bent me over slightly and knelt down and started rimming my hole. I was instantly in heaven. He did that for a minute and then stood up and went to his bedside table and got a condom and lube. I went over and got on the bed as he opened the condom wrapper and stretched it down over his huge cock. "You've got a great ass, I can't wait to fuck it," he said. "I haven't taken a cock that big in a while," I told him. "I'm gonna have to start by riding you." He nodded and laid down on the bed, pointing that big cock straight up. It looked quite intimidating. He got some lube and started lubing up his condom covered dick. I noticed he kept stretching the rubber down towards the base. I thought to myself that for a safe sex top he was being kinda careless with it, but didn't say anything. I got on top of him and positioned the head at my hole. I slowly started opening up, and managed to slide about halfway down before going back up again. After about a minute of riding I managed to get most of it inside me, but it was tough and I kind of rushed myself. I told him we could switch positions if he wanted. He suggested doggy style, so I pulled off him and got on my hands and knees. I looked back as he lined up his cock with my hole and noticed him stretching the condom back even more. I thought at this rate I might get a raw fuck so I definitely didn't say anything. He pushed back into me slowly and got balls deep as I moaned. He pulled back out until just the tip was in and pushed back in. His cock felt amazing, but it was really stretching me, even though I was slowly getting used to it. He thrust in and out of me about 10 times when I thought I felt the tension of the condom shift. I didn't hear anything so I wasn't one hundred percent sure it had broken, but I was fairly certain it had. His demeanor changed a bit and he got more aggressive with his thrusting. I reached back and grabbed his cock and could still feel the condom at the base, so I still wasn't sure if it was actually broken. After a few minutes he started flipping me over onto my back with his cock still in me so I couldn't get a look to see if the condom was still intact. He managed to get me all the way flipped without pulling out, and I started jerking my cock at the thought that I might be getting bred in a few minutes. I pulled him down to me so we could kiss as he resumed fucking my ass. I told him I was getting close and he said he was as well. I told him not to wait for me and he increased his pace, sliding that big dick over my prostate. After another minute he thrust deep and told me he was cumming. The thought that a stranger's sperm might be spewing into me sent me over the edge and I shot my own load over my stomach. He kissed me and started pulling out. "Oh shit," he said, looking down, "the condom broke." Inside I smiled. "Oh damn," I said, "you're neg right?" "Yeah" "Okay, well fuck, that's kinda hot," I told him. "You like getting bred?" He asked. "Yeah, I love the thought of a load getting pumped into me." I replied. I don't know for sure if he broke it on purpose, but I was glad he did. A couple weeks later he messaged me again on Grindr asking if I wanted to hook up again. I agreed and threw on just a pair of shorts with no underwear, a sleeveless hoodie, and a pair of shoes and headed over. He buzzed me up and when he opened the door, I kicked off my shoes, kissed him, and stripped completely naked and got on his bed. As he stripped off his clothes I noticed a condom next to the lube, but I was determined to not use it this time. He sucked me for a minute, then laid down next to me. I reached over to grab the lube and lubed myself and him up, jerking us both. He moaned in pleasure and had his eyes shut. I straddled him and placed the raw, lubed head of his cock at the entrance to my ass and started to let it penetrate me. "You should put the condom on me" he said, my sphincter sliding slowly further down his giant bare dick. "Why? You already fucked a load into me," I replied, bottoming out and raising back up again. I started kissing him. "Yeah, but that was risky," he said as I slid back down on his cock. "Oh, I thought you broke it on purpose," I told him, rising up again while clenching my ass on his cock. "No, it was an accident," he said as I sank back down again on his raw dick. "Oh, that's a bummer. It's still hot though," I told him. I raised up completely off his cock and got up off the bed and leaned over it with my ass jutting outward and started to jerk my cock. "You better put it on, my hands are covered in lube and I don't think I could open it. Or you could save time and just get behind me and shove that big dick in me bareback until you breed me again." He got off the bed and got behind me. He pushed his uncovered cock back in me, grabbed my shoulders and started fucking my raw ass. He railed me for about 5 minutes and then wrapped his arms around me and kissed my ear. "You're right, I did break it on purpose," he whispered. I shot my load onto his floor a few moments later. 10 minutes later I was walking home and started to feel his load running down the inside of my thigh. Managed to get loaded two more times in the next couple weeks.