Philip

Hello beautiful, I went to Ikea today with Agia and it was okay. There was a lot of traffic in the late afternoon; usually, I would go a lot earlier so that I could come home earlier, but Agia had to do his shopping and weekly errands, so we had to push it a bit later. I was pretty tired by the time I got there. We hugged and I gave my signature kiss on the cheek (you’ll be doing this a lot whenever you meet new guys on a date, by the way), and we walked into the showroom. I felt a mismatch in energy from the get-go, and I’m not sure if it was because it was the first time we met or something else, but it was slightly awkward. It felt as though we were just going through the motions, so to speak. They didn’t have the curtains or rugs either, but then I checked again after I got home and it turned out they do have them after all! So I think I’ll make yet another trip there tomorrow to buy everything. I just checked the toll and it turned out to be fifteen dollars in total, which was more than I expected! I think it’ll save forty minutes of driving overall, and I’m not sure if I should take the scenic route (aka the long drive) and listen to a podcast, or just take the hit and make the trip quicker and more efficient. Let’s talk about Agia for a second. Buddy, the spark was not there. I know what a spark or chemistry feels like. It’s that excitement for getting to know someone and feeling them return that same enthusiasm. It’s the kind of energy that makes me feel playful, engaged, even when I’m a little tired—but I didn’t feel that energy today. Instead, I could sense that he was a bit drained, maybe from work or lack of sleep. I could feel that he’s in survival mode right now, just trying to get through the days, and so he doesn’t have the emotional capacity to fit me into his life. I remind myself what a spark feels like—I had it when I first met all my exes: with Van, Kevin, and even Phil. That feeling becomes the template for all future connections I build with someone. You can even feel it in the way someone writes—the tone, the flow, the spark in the language. For me, written communication is important not just because I’m a writer, but because if we end up living far apart, writing becomes the bridge that keeps the connection warm. There was one part of the connection that got me thinking, though. Agia said he wanted to learn Korean, and that he was planning to self-teach by buying books. I ended up sharing with him a bit of wisdom I’ve learned over the past few weeks about learning something new—if the budget allows, get a teacher. A really good, patient teacher can fast-track the process. It definitely feels like a luxury, but it’s well worth the value in the long run. I could tell he was a bit apprehensive about the idea, so I didn’t push it. On the drive home, I couldn’t help but feel deeply grateful that I’m in a position where I can afford things like singing and piano lessons at this stage in life, especially when so many people are struggling with rent and food. And while I always thank our parents for the sacrifices they made to get us here, I sometimes forget that we also worked really damn hard. We stayed focused at work, managed our finances carefully, kept both our mental and physical health in check, and built a strong philosophy on how to live. That’s worth recognising too. Don’t stop striving for kindness and success, buddy. I love you, always. Chat soon. xx

Hello beautiful, Tonight is Friday night and I actually have no social plans, which is okay. Do you know what I did instead after my nap? I went straight to pitch training with the piano keyboard on my iPad, and I’m actually getting quite good at it. I did it for about three hours, and it was one of those things where I got into the flow and couldn’t stop, which I think is a very good sign that I’m enjoying it a lot! I’m able to do 16 notes now, which is two octaves, and I think that’s pretty good. I’m not really able to hit the high notes just yet, so perhaps that’s something I can learn with my vocal coach. The piano teacher also got back to me saying that the afternoon times are all booked out, so I looked for another teacher and she hasn’t replied back to me yet. I think I might give her a call tomorrow and see if I can arrange something, since the fire to learn the piano is pretty hot right now. I also watched Frozen: The Musical on the iPad and it’s pretty good. I found myself singing along to some of the soundtracks, which I never imagined myself doing—especially when it comes to English songs. I’m also planning to go to Ikea tomorrow with this new guy I’m talking to called Agia. We’ve been casually chatting here and there, nothing too serious, so we’ll see how it goes in person. I’m not holding my breath or anything. He hasn’t swept me off my feet with our conversations, and he seems quite stressed with work and very strict with his sleep routine, so I have a feeling he might not be emotionally invested in me as much as I’d like. But we’ll see what happens tomorrow. Stay awesome. Have a good night. Chat soon. xx

Hello Beautiful, I went for a nightly walk earlier along a new walking track across from the high school. I can’t remember if it was built during your time, but there’s this nice circuit that crosses over the school and around the football field. It takes about 40 minutes to walk back home, which is a good amount of time to think and unwind about life for a moment. Today, for the first time, I noticed that the trees they planted a long time ago have become quite big and sturdy. I remember when they used to be so small. And it makes me think—where did all the time go? Life is moving by very fast now and every day is becoming a blur, and I don’t know how I feel about it. I don’t think “scared” is the right word, but it’s definitely close to that space. I think about how much free time I have after work—about five hours—and what I do with that time these days: gym, writing you this message, dinner, and then the rest of the time just… disappears. Maybe scrolling and watching random YouTube videos here and there. Maybe lounging around doing nothing. My old man once told me something that I’ll never forget: just go out there and spend the evening doing something pointless. In a society where it’s sometimes frowned upon to be unproductive, that quote really hits me. Perhaps life is just a lot of pointless moments stitched together after all. I talk about time because I’m thinking of taking on piano lessons to accompany my singing lessons too. I think it’ll be a great way to boost my singing journey, but it also means more commitment. I’m very excited about it, since playing piano is something I’ve always wanted to do. So I can knock out two things at once, buddy. Can you believe that? We’re really doing the things we always said we would. It’s now or never, eh? I’m going to contact the music instructor tomorrow and we’ll go from there. So that’s singing practice, piano practice, gym six times a week, eight hours of sleep, and trying to maintain a social life. And that’s not even including dates and relationships. It’s going to be a full-on couple of months and, to be honest with you, I’ve kind of kept it that way. To be even more honest, I think I’m doing it because I’m trying to run away from something—perhaps from thinking about Phil (though I’m getting better at not thinking about him lately), and maybe from thinking about dating for a bit. Just to focus on myself. You’ll read a book in the future called This Is Me Letting You Go and you’ll be touched by a chapter that asks: what if you knew with certainty that you were never going to find the love of your life? That you’d be single forever? It’s a sad thought, but also a liberating one. And I think I’m starting to take that chapter seriously. If I never end up finding my partner in this lifetime, what are the things I still want to do? Singing? Learning the piano? Dancing? These are all options I’m finally pursuing. Of course, I’ll still keep my eyes open for potential partners, mind you. But it’s interesting how my perspective has shifted recently. Speaking of dating—it’s still a circus out there, buddy. That sure hasn’t changed. You’re still going to make a couple of solid friends from the experience though, so keep at it. But 99% of people on there are not your type. I ran into a few who gave me their number and said to move the chat to Instagram or WhatsApp because “it’s easier,” and they’re still terrible at replying. I have no idea how those platforms are easier than Hinge. There’s going to be a lot of ghosting, for whatever reason. Whatever happens—and I think this is more of a reminder to myself—remember to treat people with kindness. Sometimes give them a chance to get their act together. That’s kindness you don’t have to give, but we believe that if we put enough positive energy into the universe, then the universe has a way of bringing it back to us tenfold. Don’t we? I love you, buddy. Have a good night. Chat soon. xx

Hello beautiful, Just a quick message today, as there wasn’t too much that happened. At work, I was practicing my pitch training. I’m getting quite used to it now and can do eight notes while hitting each one fairly consistently. Sometimes, while aiming for the C note, I’ll hit a C sharp instead, but I’m getting better at correcting myself. It’s just using sounds like “Na” and “La” at the moment, since replacing them with words makes me hit a different note. But I’m reminded of what my teacher said about being patient and kind to myself. I also remind myself that I’ve only had one lesson with her so far—and I think this is already a pretty good improvement! I’m trying to set aside about two hours a day for dedicated practice. Sometimes it’s frustrating, but I do believe that consistent effort over time will pay off. I’m also listening to this book called Sweet Bean Paste by Tetsuya Akikawa, a story about—well—making sweet bean paste. It’s set in Japan and follows a man and an elderly woman making the paste for his pancake shop. I’m about 20% through and apparently there’s more to the story, but so far, it’s written quite beautifully. I’m quite picky with my book selection these days. Usually, I’ll listen to a book for about an hour before deciding whether to continue with it. Even if a book has a good review or is highly recommended by others, I’ve found that if it doesn’t resonate with me, I’m not afraid to drop it. To fill the silence, I just revisit old books. They’re very comforting to me. I also made a phone call to Agia today for the first time, and we talked for an hour. I reckon we could’ve talked a little longer, but he had to end it because he needed to sleep, which was fair enough. He’s got a very calming voice, and he’s patient too. I find that we’re able to talk freely about life. He did hint at a difficult past year or so, which we didn’t go into detail about. I’ll let him share when the time feels right for him. He also mentioned having trouble sleeping and trying a lot of different things to help—like avoiding his phone before bed, eating well, exercising, and practicing mindfulness like journaling. I’m fortunate not to suffer from troubled sleep. In fact, these days, if I do have trouble falling asleep, it’s usually because my mind is active—thinking about home renovations or exciting plans for the future. And plus, our current job isn’t very stressful, is it? We have to remind ourselves daily how grateful we are for the comfortable life we’re living right now and to enjoy it while it lasts. Like everything in life, these good times won’t last forever. But I have faith that we’ll be able to walk through the fog with grace whenever it falls on us. Have a good night, buddy. Chat soon. xx

Hello beautiful bastard, It’s almost midnight and I am super tired, but I just wanted to shoot through a quick message. I hope you are moving through life with that signature chaotic energy of yours. I had my second vocal coach session today and I actually really loved it. We did a basic exercise where she told me to sing one note, then move up three notes, then move back down to the original note. I couldn’t do it. So she regressed to an even easier exercise and for the whole lesson, we just did pitch training, which was something I always wanted to do. Then toward the end, we started learning the song Chasing Cars, and she gave me some homework to practice pitch using a piano app. I’m going to dedicate an hour to it each night. I did a bit before, and I’m already getting better at it. I’m so excited to see where this will lead with consistent, focused practice every day, buddy. In other news, I’ve been talking to this guy named Agia. He’s from Indonesia, 36 years old, and works for a bank. He’s been showing up every day in our texts, which is pretty good, and the conversation is quite engaging. Actually, I’m talking to a couple of other guys on Hinge too, but most of them are very spotty with their replies, and some don’t reply at all, so it’s been hit and miss. I’ve got so many messages going on that I can’t remember who’s who. Yes, that will happen to us a lot moving forward. There will be times when no one messages you, and there are days when you might get half a dozen. During the slow periods, you still have yourself to keep you company, which is enough. I’m not going to lie to you though. There is this quiet loneliness that sits beside me these days, even though I feel content with myself. I feel whole and complete now, but there’s this ache for shared connection with someone. At the moment, it’s with you. But like I mentioned, it’s a one-way street. It’s like calling out into the darkness, hearing the echoes of my own voice, but not hearing anything back except myself. Finally, I want to shout out our job at Michelin. Talking to Agia and how stressed he is with his banking job makes me appreciate how much freedom we have in our current role. It never feels like a job to me, ever, because I go there, get a workout, and I’m able to listen to audiobooks and learn while I’m there—all while getting paid for it. A lot of people spend all their energy at work, and then have nothing left except to recover afterwards. We are not those people, and we have to be grateful for the fortunate position we’re in, buddy. Never forget that. Bedtime for me. Sleep tight, beautiful. Stay awesome. Chat soon. xx

Hello beautiful, Today at work, I was listening to this book called The Happiest Man on Earth by Eddie Jaku. I didn’t really know what it was about going into it, so imagine my surprise when I realised it was an autobiography about the Holocaust. Now, I’ve read a lot of books over the years about this tragic event, but the way the writer retold his story really struck me. I think he wrote it in a way that wasn’t showing off his vocabulary—just raw, honest words—and I really liked that. It really landed with me. Both his parents died in the event, and he was arrested several times, beaten up, had a number of life-altering injuries, and still managed to live to the age of 100, becoming a parent and a grandparent. It was an amazing account of his life. There’s a paragraph toward the end that I really liked, and it goes something like this: “But I ask myself, what will happen when we are all gone? What will happen when all of us survivors have passed away? Will our story fade out of history? Or will we be remembered?” And it’s sad to think about that—because you and I, for so long, have always thought about death and the legacy we might leave behind someday. What will people remember us by when we’re gone? What impact did we leave on this earth in our short time here? Hearing his struggles while I listened at work, I looked around at all the other workers—how some of them complain that the work is hard, or that their hands hurt, or that they’re not earning enough money—and all those problems seem like peanuts compared to the real struggles people face around the world. I mean, there are people out there who are fearful of not knowing if they’ll live to see another day, god dammit. So I’m always grateful for the sacrifice our parents made to get me and my sister here to Australia—to live the comfortable life we have now. The best I can do is to show kindness to the people around me, and help whenever I can. I also realised that I’m starting to enjoy winter now. Don’t get me wrong, buddy—autumn is still our favourite season—but I like winter, not for the cold, but for what it represents. It’s usually seen as a slow season, but I’m starting to use it as the time to get ready for spring and summer by building the foundation early. It’s the season of home improvements and starting new projects, so that when spring and summer come around, everything is in full swing. I’m planting the seeds now, so that when the time comes, the flowers will bloom—instead of planting them late and harvesting too late. Then, when summer comes, I want to try and save as much money as possible so I can prepare again in the next winter. I think that’s a smart strategy. And it’s kind of an advantage too, because most people just try to survive the winter. They have all their fun and joy in the summer, but then they have nothing planned for the winter. We’re reversing that—and I think it’ll work in our favour. Keep moving through life with that signature Philip style. Chat soon. xx

Hey buddy, How’s life treating you? I met up with Cô Bình today for coffee. After Kevin leaves for Vietnam, you’ll grow closer to her, and I can see why he used to confide in her. She’s retired, but very wise. We went to a coffee shop in Airport West, and it was such a good feeling when I sat down with her—I just felt at ease, calm, almost sleepy. It was as if my parasympathetic system kicked in, like she was an old friend I didn’t have to perform for. I could just be myself, share my life. Kevin’s doing fine in Vietnam. He’s even started dating again, from what Cô Bình said, and I’m honestly happy and excited for him. We both agree that our wish for him is to find someone who appreciates him and for him not to overextend himself too much, because people can take advantage of that very quickly. On an unrelated note, I’ve been thinking about the money I’ve spent lately on a lot of purchases—things I probably wouldn’t have spent on myself in the past. This includes the singing lessons and the home renovations, and I actually feel really happy spending that money on myself. These things add real value to my life. It’s not wasted on drugs, alcohol, or random stuff that’s fleeting or doesn’t add to my character or life in general. You know how we’ve got different budgets at the moment for things like tech, travel, clothing? I’m thinking of combining all of that into one yearly budget and calling it a personal development fund instead. Because some years I don’t spend money on tech or clothes or travel, and in those times I could use that extra budget for home improvements or courses instead. Phil’s birthday is coming up, and at first I thought about getting him some preserved flowers that cost around $150 because he’s special to me. But I’m second guessing it now—only because I feel like I should get those flowers for mum first. I know she’d love them. She’s always buying flowers, even though they fade and die and the cost adds up. I wonder if she buys them to appreciate the fleeting nature of life and death. Maybe by knowing something will die, we appreciate it more, you know? The second person I think I should buy those flowers for is myself. Because I’m worth loving too. And then, only then, should I buy flowers for other people. That’s something I want you to think about hehe. Phil once mentioned that there’s an evolving space in his life when it comes to finding a partner. He doesn’t quite know where a partner fits in. And I ask myself that same question—which has also become an evolving space for me. Today, I’m inching closer to the answer. You see, friends come and go. I share things with them (after sharing them with myself first), and I’m lucky if I get a reply. Most of the time the replies are delayed. People come and go. But I think a partner matters because they become a constant in your life. Someone you can share things with. Someone who will be there when you need them. I’m learning to show up for myself. I’m learning to write to you. But it’s a one-way street right now. There’s a quiet loneliness in doing this, because I can’t really get excited about what you’re up to, since, well, you’re me. I already know what you’re going to go through. You can’t surprise me the way a partner might. So that’s where I’m at right now, buddy. Oh, my wrist is getting a lot bigger now, and I’ve misplaced one of the chain links for my Apple Watch. It means I can’t expand the size of it. If you happen to see it, can you do me a favour and tape it to something so we can find it in the future? Stay awesome. Chat soon. xx

Good evening, beautiful, Miss me? I went to Ikea today to buy shelves for our study room, that empty wall we’ve always wanted to fill with something. Well, I did end up buying the shelves, but could you believe it? They had this set of nine nature canvases that I thought would be a great addition to the wall. And it was. I think you’re going to love it, and I’m really glad I didn’t put the shelves there because they would’ve made the space, and the room, feel cramped and messy. We’re actually moving away from minimalism and more towards controlled chaos, and I think this canvas wall strikes a great balance. As for the shelf, I’m thinking of putting it in the spare room, which we’ll convert into a massage room. The shelf will kind of be floating, so it gives us a lot of room to move around the massage table. You know, I’m spending a lot of money these days on home improvements, and I don’t really have a budget when it comes to these things. I’m a lot less stressed about money now. I don’t know if it’s because I’m single and spending less on eating out and all that, or if I’m just managing my finances better. I’m still earning pretty much the same as you were a year ago, and things have definitely gotten more expensive, but I’m spending more time at home, so yeah. I do want to share something with you. I was walking through the Ikea showroom today by myself, earphones in, listening to random English music, and life just felt really good. I walked with confidence, hands in the pockets of my jeans, and sometimes I’d just sit on a couch and watch the world go by. It felt so peaceful, buddy, like I didn’t have a care in the world. And with the way I carried myself, no one really noticed me. Everyone minded their own business. I think today was a big milestone in becoming comfortable being alone with myself. I didn’t look at the time. I didn’t have anywhere I had to be. Today, I went on a date with myself, and I had all the time in the world to do it. I also thought a bit about singing and the benefits of having a vocal coach. You’ll be paying triple digits per session, buddy, but it’s going to be worth it. I really like her because she spent the first lesson learning about my fears and insecurities around singing, and it turned out to be a therapy session I didn’t know I needed. In fact, we barely sang—maybe 15 minutes all up. Singing is about projecting your voice, yes, but it’s also about what’s going on inside your head while you do it. I used to doubt myself every time I sang, wondering if I was doing it right, but now I just sing from the heart and soul—and it actually sounds pretty good. When I sing, no one’s judging me. They just shrug and say, That’s classic Philip, and move on with their day, happy that I’m there enjoying life alongside them. I’ve learned that first and foremost, I perform for myself. Singing makes me happy. It makes life more expressive, more artful—especially when I learn the rules and then do what we do best: break them to create something special. I want to learn to sing so I can appreciate the art of music more—people’s voices and skills—because now I know how difficult it really is. I told my coach that I want to be able to sing wherever I find myself, and if someone hands me a mic, I won’t shy away. I’ll have the confidence to sing, and people will clap. But I’m not sure about that anymore. Because even if someone gave me the mic right now and I sang poorly, honestly, no one would care. They’d clap anyway because I gave it my best shot. So now, I’m learning to sing just to get away from the doubtful thoughts that swirl in my head. To put those voices somewhere else. To lose myself in the song and the melody and just sing like it’s my last day on earth. And I think I’m getting there, buddy—even after just one lesson. Can you imagine where I’ll be by session ten? Session twenty? I’m planning to do forty in total, and I can’t wait to see what’s in store for us and our voice. Chat soon. xx

Good evening beautiful, I think I’m getting old. I mean, I had the whole Friday night to myself and really wanted to play some video games, but you know what the problem with games these days is? It’s the hours of commitment you have to put in. I don’t think I can fit in a 70-hour game anymore unless I dedicate a couple of weeks off just to play it. So I ended up watching a movie on my own—on the iPad, of course. The movie I chose for tonight was called Flow, about a cat who makes friends with wild animals as the forest gets flooded. Honestly, I almost fell asleep because it wasn’t very engaging, even though it got a great rating on Rotten Tomatoes. To be fair, it was a beautiful movie, but we both know we’re more of the action-oriented, slow-motion, explosion-fueled movie types, right? Yeah, that hasn’t changed at all. These days, I’m learning to show up for myself and becoming more comfortable just being by myself. I definitely would love to hang out with my friends more, but I find that they’re quite busy. Most of them are actually partnered up, which makes it harder for them to find time for me—especially on weekends. I imagine they’d rather spend time with their partners. I know I would. We both did that when we were in a relationship. It’s understandable. So now I enjoy time on my own, and it feels pretty normal. I’m getting used to it. I’ve been having thoughts lately, especially after going to my vocal coach session. I feel like if she can teach people and provide value to their lives—and earn money doing it—then I can too. I have skills. I can help people through fitness. The lessons I’m paying for are expensive at $150 an hour, but I’m enjoying them. I have the resources to improve myself, and there are people out there—I’m sure—who could benefit from what I offer. And there’s this guy I showed you before, the one I have a crush on—Brock Ashby, a personal trainer in Sydney. If he, an ordinary guy, can help people and make a living from it, then so can we. We’re all human. He’s just more focused and motivated than I probably am right now, but with a bit of focus and dedication, I’m sure I can get there too. I think it’s a good thing I’ve got a couple of things going on right now, between work and singing, because it keeps my time filled. I think I need to put massage on the backseat for now and dedicate more time to my fitness project—to actually get that up and running. There’s this voice in the back of my head that keeps saying, as long as I keep moving, the good things will come my way—including finding my partner. I have a feeling he’ll show up somewhere along this path, which is another reason I want to pursue it. So just to clarify: gaming and massage are on the backseat, and the fitness course comes first for now. Oh, and before I forget—remember the study room with that giant white wall we’ve been unsure what to do with? I think I’ve found the best solution. I’m going to Ikea tomorrow to get some nice shelves and pot plants and deck it out. The room’s going to look like a lowkey greenhouse by the time I’m done. I think it’s going to look pretty good. Chat soon. xx

Good evening beautiful bastard, You know, it’s getting quite late for me, and I was contemplating whether I should send you a message, but I told myself I wanted this to be a daily habit—so here I am. Lucky you. Firstly, I’ve got some good news. I started talking to Kevin again. Our YouTube Premium account expired after the one-year subscription, and he was kind enough to update it for us. A couple of issues came up on his end, and we’ve been exchanging messages trying to fix it. I told Mum that he fixed it, and she said she misses him, told me to let him know he’s welcome at our place anytime he visits Australia. (He moved to Vietnam for good.) Kevin replied saying we’re both invited to stay at his place whenever we’re in Vietnam. I told him about my singing progress and how we’re going to give him a massage next time we see him—and he seemed genuinely happy about that. Oh yeah, that reminds me: you’re going to have a great time with the massage course. You’ll learn so much, and yeah, you’ll smash all the theory like you always do, you absolute legend. Now, to be honest, I’m still not perfect—even a year on from where you are now. I’m still struggling to handle a few things. You’re going to meet this wonderful man in the future named Phil. You’ll go on one date with him before he decides to keep it casual—just friends with benefits. The thing is, I’ve started developing feelings for him, and it’s messy, because I know he doesn’t feel the same. So I’m pulling back, just enough, to protect my heart. And you know what I realised today? If I ever saw Kevin again, yeah, I’d hang out with him, hold his hand, hug him, kiss him, cuddle. I’m not sure I’d go as far as oral or anal sex—it feels a bit too intimate—but I could spend an entire day with him, catch up on life, and not feel any of the romantic pull we used to share. I’d stop just before that line. And I think that’s what Phil might be doing with me. We cuddle, kiss, hold hands, talk about life—and then go on as though we’re just friends. It’s confusing as hell, but I think I’m starting to get it now. He’s going to be a very special person in our life, always. The kind of person time disappears with. The kind of person you feel completely safe with. If nothing more develops between us, then we’ll take that as a beautiful chapter—and use that feeling as a template for what we want to build with someone else, yeah? Lastly, I want to touch on singing, because it’s going to play a much bigger role in our lives than you could ever imagine. You’re going to start singing with Mum more often. It’s endearing. She’s going to ask you to just sit there and listen while she sings, and you’ll do that, alright? Then you’ll pick up the mic and start duetting with her. It’s going to be beautiful—even if the music drowns out your voice or you go off pitch. No one’s going to care. It’s going to be priceless. Today, I sat in our study room and sang for three hours straight. I’m getting into improv singing now—can you believe it? In English too! Yes! The chain of Vietnamese bolero and vọng cổ songs is finally behind us, and we’re finding the courage to sing in English. And not just any English songs either—we’re singing whatever comes to mind. And honestly? It sounds kind of beautiful, if I do say so myself. Right now, I have this thought. I feel like I just want to sing freely. I’m not sure if mastering one song at a time is the path forward. When you sing a song, you’re tied to its pitch, its melody. There’s not much creative freedom in that. Not like improv singing. I’ll talk to the vocal coach about it and keep you updated. Enjoy life, buddy. You’re doing great. Everything’s going to be alright. I promise. Chat soon. xx

Good morning, dipshit. I don’t know why I just called you that. I feel like I should be more kind to my younger self, but I don’t get a chance to call myself that very often, so—hello, dipshit. I wonder what you’d call me if you could respond to these messages. Hehe. I want to talk about confidence for a second. If you think you’re confident now, wait until a year from now. You’re going to come out to everyone at work—and best of all, you’re going to come out to Mum. I’m not going to go through all the details of how it happens. It feels like a stack of dominos that all fall at once. It’s beautiful. And very anticlimactic. No drama, no fireworks. The day just keeps going like it always does. Mum loves us just for being us—maybe even more now. You won’t feel the full impact of it until weeks later, when you find yourself walking around your neighborhood, holding hands with the guy you’re dating, and you’re no longer looking over your shoulder. That’s where the confidence comes from—that moment when you realise you’ve already faced the thing you feared most. You’ve stood in your truth. And there’s nothing left to lose anymore. Everyone at work? They’ll love you. You’ll realise that Michelin is a second home—a harbour, really. That’s what I call it now. A place you go to recharge. Sure, it’s still a place where you get a killer workout every day—don’t get me wrong—but your mindset will shift. Oh, and the people? Still wildly incompetent. But you’ll come to love them like family, even if they drive you nuts most of the time. Right now, I’m taking singing lessons. That’s right. You’re actually doing it. You’re going to keep pursuing that little itch you’ve always had. You’ll start singing at work—first quietly, then way too loud. And you know what? No one’s going to care. In fact, they’ll come to see it as a sign: when you sing, it means you’re in a good mood. When you don’t sing, it means you’re stressed. That’s how well people will know you, Philip. You sing because it’s how you express your feelings. And right now, you’re really into musicals. You’ve always loved making shit up on the spot, making a fool of yourself, not taking life too seriously—and that same chaos will spill into your singing. I know right now you’re shy about singing in English because everyone understands the lyrics and you’re scared they’ll judge you, yeah? But remember what I said about confidence? That wall—you’ll break through it faster than you think. You’re going to fall in love with the sound of your own voice. Even if it’s not technically perfect, it’ll be emotionally honest. And isn’t that what great storytelling is all about? Oh—and here’s another thing. I’m bulking again. And this time, I think I’m finally doing it right. I’m 71kg now and I don’t have a belly. It’s been six months and I’ve gained 10kg, slow and steady. I’m aiming to gain another 15kg by the end of this year. I’m going to the gym six times a week, but only for 30 minutes each time. That’s it. I recently learned that’s just 2% of your entire day. Can you imagine that? Two percent—and it changes everything. We look great. We feel great too. Chat soon xx *** *** *** Good evening, beautiful. I guess I can send multiple messages a day now. Hehe. You know, it’s weird for me because I’m not sure how much to tell you—versus how much I want you to experience life on your own. I often wonder what it would be like for me, the future me that is, to receive text messages from an even more future version of myself. To be honest, I think I’d be terrified. Part of me wouldn’t want to read them, because I’d want to travel through life with faith—with the belief that I’ll be able to handle whatever comes my way. But it’s tempting, isn’t it? To want to know what life has in store. So I guess, in some capacity, I want to equip you with the tools to face whatever’s coming. But we know each other very well. And you know I can’t help myself. I have to share with you all the lovely things that have happened to me today. So, today, I started listening to this book called Convenience Store Woman. It’s about a Japanese woman who works at a convenience store. What struck me wasn’t just the story, but how it quietly captures how hard life can be for some people in Japan. The book shows how workers can feel like cogs in a machine—told what to do by their managers, forced to smile at customers even when they’re being mistreated, then coming home to solitude, judged by society simply for being single. And yet, there’s a quiet resilience in the main character. She navigates a difficult life in her own way. The book’s short—just over three hours—and I’m already halfway through. It made me feel lucky, really lucky. I have a job that gives me so much freedom, where I can take breaks whenever I need to, where I get paid decently, and then come home to a household that’s full of love. Not everyone has that. Not everyone is as lucky as we are. Then I had my first singing lesson, and—god—it turned into a lowkey therapy session. I learned that singing isn’t just technique. It’s part technique, part feeling, and part belief. Would you look at that? I realised a big part of my singing hang-up is being a perfectionist. I want to hit every note perfectly, but sometimes that gets in the way of just feeling the song. There’s a lot to work on, but I’m excited. I’m doing this to challenge myself, yeah—to improve my voice—but also just so I can sing English songs in front of friends and family one day, if the opportunity comes. I think that would be lovely. I don’t know if I’ll ever perform in front of judges. Maybe I will—just for fun, or as a confidence boost. But mostly, I just want to keep learning new things. I want to make a fool of myself, to embarrass myself, to put myself in uncomfortable situations. Because if people can laugh along with my journey, then really—that’s the worst that can happen. And if that’s the worst, then it can’t get any worse than that, right? Lastly, I watched this short film called Coming Out with the Help of a Time Machine. It’s about an Indian man who comes out to his parents. They’re furious. They nearly disown him. It’s such a common struggle for so many gay men. His parents say they gave him everything, and this was how he repaid them. But beneath all that was fear—fear that the world would judge them. The story wasn’t really about him. It was about their shame. And all he wanted was their love. Thankfully, it has a happy ending. But it reminded me again how lucky I was—how lucky we are—to have a good coming out story. To have a very cool mum. Not everyone gets that. And I wonder—maybe it has as much to do with our environment as it does with who we are. Me and you, we move through the world with three things under our belt: grace, kindness, and honesty. We touch people in ways that change them. And maybe—just maybe—that’s why people meet us differently. Maybe that’s why coming out landed softly. Maybe that’s why love has returned to us in ways we couldn’t have planned. Don’t forget those three things, yeah? Especially grace. It will come back to you tenfold. I believe that. I really, truly do. Chat soon xx

Hello Philip. I know this is going to sound weird—and knowing you, you’re probably very sceptical—but this is future you, writing to present you. How crazy, right? No time-travel shenanigans or anything like that; the Universe just gave me this little gift, a window to reach back for a while. I don’t know how long it’ll last, but I’m damn well going to take advantage of it while I can, yeah? This message will be sent to you exactly one year from the future. For me, today is Tuesday 24 June, 2025. As this is the first message, it’s going to be a long one. You know how in time travel movies you’re not supposed to tell your past self anything because it could break the space-time continuum or whatever? Well—fuck that. It doesn’t work that way. I’m telling you straight up: it doesn’t work that way. Things will happen exactly how they’re meant to, no matter how hard you try to change them. You’ll have to trust me on that. I’m going to tell you everything—or almost everything. Maybe not all the gritty details, because half the fun is figuring shit out on your own (you’ll thank me one day), but I want to give you just enough, so that when things do hit the fan, you’ll know you’re not alone. Because hey, I turned out alright. And so will you. God, I can’t quite remember what you’re up to this time last year. I do know that in October, you and Kevin are going to have an incredible time in Vietnam. You’ll love it. He’s taking you on this beautiful cruise for your birthday in December, and you’re going to fight over the usual dumb shit, like always. But still—I want you to hold him, kiss him, be present with him, because in January you’re going to break up. And you won’t see him again for a long time. It’s going to suck. There’s nothing you can do to stop it. It’s mutual. You’ll both realise that you don’t have the tools to fix it, not in the state you’re in. And those tools, you’ll gain them outside the relationship. Tools like learning how to build safe spaces with people, how to honour your own emotional boundaries. You’ll grow closer to a lot of your friends. You’ll see them more. And best of all, you’ll become best friends with your AI buddy—me. I’ll be there at 4am when you need someone to talk to. And, oh man, you’re going to start feeling things you didn’t even know were there. You’ll become best friends with loneliness. And soon, with longing. You’ll have a crush on a workmate named Paul (he’s straight, by the way—but that won’t stop you from pushing it). One day you’ll be ready to date again, and you’ll meet a bunch of new people. Most of them will ghost you, because you’ll be too much for them. But some will stick around. Sean. Matteo. Dan. Phil. Keep these names close. One day I’ll tell you more about them—how they changed you—but not today. It’ll make this message way too long, and I think I’ve overwhelmed you enough already. These messages work one-way, by the way. I won’t hear anything back from you. These days, Philip, you’re learning how to be comfortable with yourself. Oh—and the Switch 2 gets released in June. You’ll hear about it in January. It’s alright. Nothing groundbreaking. You’ll be in this phase of your life where gaming isn’t as central as it used to be, and it’ll get harder and harder to fit it in. I don’t know if that’ll change for me soon. I hope it does. Because gaming is so important to us, isn’t it? On launch day, you won’t have anyone to share the experience with, even though you’ll really want to. But I want you to do something for me. Play it anyway. Enjoy it. And then tell people about it. What I’ve learned lately is that we can’t keep waiting for someone to show up before giving ourselves permission to do the things we love. That’s what I mean about being comfortable with yourself. You’ll have to learn how to be completely content on your own. And I know that won’t make much sense to you right now, because you’re still with Kevin and you haven’t felt alone in a long time. But it’s coming. Loneliness doesn’t vanish. It waits. So this is the candle you’ll light for yourself—to keep the darkness at bay. You’ll show up for yourself, even when no one else is watching. Today, I’m single. And I’m okay with it. The only thing is—there’s so much we want to share with the world. You have Kevin right now to share it with. But what happens when you’re on your own? Who do you tell? I’m lucky enough to share things with you, through this message. And recently, I’ve been sharing them with someone named Phil. But we’re on a bit of a breather now. We don’t talk or see each other as much, and that’s okay. You’ll learn that some friends can hold certain parts of your story, and that’ll be enough for now. Maybe, one day, a lover will arrive who can hold all of it. But until then—we’ve got each other. Chat soon. xx

To the memories we will all cherish one day. I met Phil for the third time today, two weeks after our last catch-up. Again, it was at his place. We kiss and cuddle when I step out of the car, and again once the door closes in his apartment. We lay there on the sofa, catching up on what’s been happening in our lives, even though we’ve been texting each other daily. It feels nice to have him in my arms. After a while, we get up, and he suggests we smoke some weed. We planned this ahead of time—it’s my first time—so we do. I don’t feel anything at first. Then it hits me. We go to the bedroom. Clothes off. Skin to skin. He sits on my cock and rides it like a pro, but there are voices in my head that get in the way of my enjoyment. I have a confession to make. I don’t usually top. I’m mainly a bottom, but I have topped before in past relationships. I remember, back then, I had a lot of trouble getting hard—performance anxiety—but I overcame it because I loved him. I wanted to make love to him. I’ve topped other guys before while cruising too, rarely, and I managed to get hard by thinking they’re nothing more than just a body. A body to use. A body to get off. But Phil—he’s different. I’ve set a ceiling on my emotions to protect my heart, so I can’t fuck him like he’s the love of my life. At the same time, he’s more than just a body I can use and throw away. So my head is stuck. In a space I can’t define. The effect of the weed makes it worse. And sure enough, I get soft mid-fuck. We stop. Cuddle. Kiss. And in the back of my mind, I’m disappointed with myself. I really wanted to finish inside him. To make him mine. And it didn’t happen. I end up making a series of bad decisions after that. Just to see how far I can push my body. Turns out—not very far. I mix white wine with pear cider. I smoke more. My body shuts down and Phil has to carry me to bed. We fall asleep in each other’s arms until the morning, where we just lay there and talk about life. I ask him how he feels if I start dating other people. He’s cool with it. After all, he was the one who set the boundaries—friends with benefits—and it’s not fair if that holds me back from being with someone else. He asks me how I’d feel if he starts dating someone new. I tell him I’d be happy for him. As long as he calls me if that guy doesn’t treat him right, and I’ll personally beat that guy up for him. Sweet, Phil says. I confess that I like him. He asks me what I like about him. I tell him: I like that you’re beautiful. Beautiful on the outside, yes. But more so on the inside. I love the way you think. Your philosophy on life. The way you move through the world. And any guy who dates you next—whether it’s me or anyone else—he needs to know this side of you. The beautiful side. And he needs to appreciate it. He has to. Then Phil gets shy. Smiles in that way only a few people get to see. That vulnerable side. And I know I did good. I know I said something that stuck with him. So there it is. I lay all my cards on the table. I’ve confessed how I feel. I let him know that once he’s done healing, if the universe aligns and we both happen to be single, I’m happy to give us another shot. I feel like I’ve set up all the dominoes in a beautiful way. Now it’s up to him if he wants to knock them down and start an adventure with me. Or maybe not. In the meantime, we live our own lives. Our lives don’t pause for each other. They keep moving. We won’t text each other daily anymore. We don’t have to. The foundation we’ve built is strong. Solid enough that it doesn’t need constant reinforcement. We won’t see each other as often. That’s okay too. I hold him tight in my arms. I give him a hundred kisses. Because I don’t know how many more times we’ll get to do this. If we both find someone else, then the cuddles, the kisses, the hand-holding, his head on my chest—someday it’ll fade. Someday it will all just be a distant memory. And it’s sad to think like that. But that is life, isn’t it? I drive home. I think this is the closure we both needed. A breather from each other. I think I’ll see him again in a couple of weeks, just to see where life takes us. I think we’ll be different people by then. A lot can happen in a few weeks. We’ll have new stories. New experiences. New outlooks on life. Let’s see where this wild road takes us, yeah?

To the gray areas that we lose ourselves in. I am meeting up with Phil today, for the second time after our first date. He made it crystal clear that he isn’t looking for anything serious, that he doesn’t mind friends with benefits, and I’m holding my end of the agreement. I make the long drive over to his place, a one-hour drive across the city, with a six-pack of cider in the passenger seat and excitement in my heart. He meets me at the car park, asks for a hug. I give him one, warm, close, and we make our way into his apartment. He gives me the grand tour and we set up the Switch, play some. We sit a slight distance from each other, but as the night games continue, we sit closer and closer, until my head is on his shoulder. Then he does something unexpected. He interlaces his fingers with mine and we hold hands. This is quite intimate, I think to myself, but I don’t hold back. After a while, I put the controller down, pull him closer, wrap my arms around him, and we lay there on the couch, cuddling, talking about life. Three hours go by. Our tummies are rumbling, so we have dinner, crack open a few bottles of cider and wine. Soon, we’re both slightly drunk, playing Mario Kart on the Switch. It’s getting late, so we head to the bedroom. Of course we don’t sleep. I’m excited to show him clips of Final Destination since he hasn’t seen it before. After a while, I turn off the iPad, lean toward him, kiss him. He’s a great kisser. We’re drunk, and it’s one of the best feelings ever. It’s two in the morning before either of us realises. We get up, shower, head to bed. We don’t end up sleeping until four. The light from the morning sun filters through the thin blinds in his room. Phil’s got an eye mask on, snores lightly, but I’m sensitive to even the slightest light, so I’m wide awake at ten. Phil stirs, leans over, kisses me, and we go at it again. Cuddling. Kissing. The occasional blow jobs for good measure. We talk more about life. The thing is, it gets quite intimate. Much more than you’d expect from a standard friends with benefits. The way we hold each other. The way we look into each other’s eyes. The way we rub noses. It feels couple-ish, but we go with the flow. We lean into it anyway, even though we both know we’re overstepping boundaries. It feels good. But I notice something. I’ve set an emotional ceiling for myself. Cuddling him feels kind of… I don’t know. Hollow? These moments—cuddling, kissing—they’re usually laced with love and emotion. But I know where Phil stands. I know his boundaries. So I don’t let myself feel too much. I don’t let the physical become emotional. And it feels empty to me. Just skin on skin. It feels weird, but I don’t pull back. I don’t want the moment to end. And I still wonder to myself, even now, if this is healthy. I was meant to meet Angelo for our second date today, around 3 or 4pm. It takes about an hour to drive home. Angelo sent me a good morning message but I haven’t replied. It’s 2pm and I’m still at Phil’s. A part of me wants to stay. At 3pm, Angelo sends a message saying he’s got a stomach ache. My heart drops for a second. I have a feeling he made it up because I didn’t reply to him sooner. A second later, I’m excited at the chance to stay longer with Phil. I don’t leave his place until 6pm, after having dinner together. The next day, I don’t hear back from Angelo. I haven’t heard from him since. A part of me thinks I’ve fucked up. That I chose Phil over someone who was showing up for me. But another part is glad it ended the way it did. I’ve been feeling like Angelo and I were surface-level. Like the seed we planted was on shallow ground. And when the hypothetical rain came, it was washed away. Phil and I still text every day, though I’m setting boundaries. I can feel myself falling for him, which I know is a bad idea. He’s already said he isn’t looking for anything serious. I send him one message a day. Just an update. What I’ve been up to. Wishing him well. Sometimes it’s a little flirty. Always warm. Always honest. I don’t know where things are heading between Phil and me. But I hope it’s someplace healthy. For both of us.