homosapiens

Hallo everyone, I found out this forum recently and it has been an eye openener in many ways. So I thank many of its contributors over the years for sharing their experiences so openly. Because I was not aware of these discussions during my life voyage, it took me long time to accept what I wanted. I've always felt that I did not have the right information and that I was arriving late to things. Therefore I created this account just to share my travel through gay sex discovery and unprotected sex in case someone can relate, provide an answer or simply add to their understanding on the topic. 1. Accepting homosexuality I come from a small town where there was no gay scene and people were pretty closed-minded. I was raised christian, so even though I had those feelings early on, it took me a long time to act on them; I was really against it at first. I dated girls until eventually it happened: I built up the courage, traveled 1,000 km, and met the first guy I’d been chatting with online. I realized immediately that this was what I’d been missing. The naive, inexperienced me fell in love right away. He was much older, and I dated him in secret for many years. I learned whatever little gay life we had through him and his conservative views; same with sex, just what he liked to do. But at the time, it was more than enough for me I know now that it’s common for many men to start dating from a young age and build up “dating/sex experience,” if you will. Because I skipped that phase, when we finally broke up after years, I felt like a provincial teenager all over again. What do I do now? How do I meet men? Do I go back to women? 2. Discovering the gay scene Eventually, I moved to a big city abroad for work. Feeling anonymous for the first time allowed me to break free and explore everything: the scene, the bars, the clubs, the apps, the cruising spots, the websites, and more. It was a constant discovery and an absolute overload of stimuli for months. 3. Flirting with Bareback While getting into the dating scene, I quickly found out about something that seems obvious now: a lot of men weren't using condoms in random encounters. At first, I was disgusted and really judgmental... but I ended up getting tempted surprisingly quickly. The situation soon became clear. With many of the hot guys I was attracted to, if I was the top, it was barely an issue. I'd just wrap up and go. But as a bottom, asking to use a condom was often met with resistance, or it would just kill the mood completely. On the rare times I gave in (maybe because he was too hot), that friction was gone. And not only did it feel much nicer, it was way hornier. It was like an electric shock from the thrill, something I did not feel before. 4. The Guilt Loop The enjoyment of the unsafe sex evaporated completely the moment I left the bar, though. The guilt would rush in like a storm, making me depressed for the next few days. Having been raised christian, I had plenty of experience beating myself up for "falling short." Not being able to discuss these feelings (which I thought as totally [banned word]) with my close friends didn't help, of course. The fear of HIV was always present (and justified, I'd think). This guilt loop would repeat every few months. I'd feel bad and stop going out > eventually move on and start feeling better > go out again keeping it safe > then eventually end up having bareback sex again > and back to feeling guilty and ashamed. (I've read on this blog about many men who always had it figured out and went for it without any hesitation. I definitely envy your natual determination.) When the urge was too big, I'd either hook up with someone I knew well, or I'd get drunk/high to let it happen more easily. 5. PreP, the Loop Breaker When I first heard about PreP, I was firmly against it. My thought was, "Sure, it protects from HIV, but taking it means you'll have more bareback sex, catching other diseases and feeling even worse." It's a view that many still hold today, and I think it's a fair one. Eventually, though, it became rather popular and many profiles mentioned it. So when the medical place where I got tested for STDs brought it up as a possibility, I agreed. Well, as a surprise to no one, soon after I started using it, my condom use dropped heavily. I imagine some of you may have gone through a similar vicious (or virtuous?) cycle: The more bareback sex I had, the more I enjoyed it and accepted it, and the less I wanted to use condoms. The tables had turned, and I was the one putting up resistance to them now. It was very liberating! 6. Only Bareback As time went by, I became mainly interested in profiles that mentioned raw sex or the more subtle "Safety: Let's discuss it." I stopped seeing the regular dates who decided to continue playing safe. I started going to sex festivals, private home sex parties, and I discovered sex with chems... Raw sex wasn't just unprotected sex; it was the key that unlocked many new doors that were once closed by fear. It became the cornerstone for exploring many more fetishes and kinky setups. Barebackers are certainly piggier and kinkier, so the sleazy proposals started popping up. I accepted the new paradigm and went for them. 7. The Return of the Thrill For 5 years, I embraced my new reality. It allowed me to discover sex in many more ways than I thought possible (not all of them necessarily good). I enjoyed a fully bareback sex life, but in a very discreet way. My app profile is always faceless, for example and without mention to bb. And I never really discussed these feelings in a deep way with anybody. It was great enough just like that. No drama needed. That is, until last year's Christmas. Every year I go back to my home country for 3-4 weeks. When I arrived, I realized that I hadn't brought my PreP pills with me. [PANIC!] I had been taking them daily for years and my protection shield was gone. My mental process over the days evolved making up excuses like this: I. "Ok, no problem. Just stay away from sex these weeks. A little break. Easy." II. "I could also have sex and keep it safe. No going back to condoms, but just avoiding penetration. I'll hit the sauna." III. "If I only top, it shouldn't be any significant risk." IV. "I really want to bottom as well. I'll just keep it as an exception for today." V. "Okay, these holidays are the exception. I'll stop worrying and go back to PreP as soon as I am back home." I did end up letting go completely. And there I felt it again, clear and loud: The electricity. That spark that I used to feel when I started barebacking years before in the bars. This electricity was gone without me realizing it, and now it was back on full force again. 8. The Return of the Guilt and the Common Interests I came back after Christmas, got tested, and went back on the pills. It was like nothing had happened. Closed that chapter and back to normality. A couple of months later, one of my regular dates, before one of our encounters, asked me if I was still taking PreP. "What does he mean by still?" The question surprised me. "Well, yes I am. You take these pills forever, right? At least until they find a vaccine for HIV." He agreed, but he told me that he was doubting whether to keep using them, that he wanted to enjoy sex without having to worry abou it, and that somehow, without them, it always felt much more "real." Wow, okay. The boldness he was talking with really hit home. So I decided to share with him, for the first time, my deeper desires towards barebacking and what it had meant to me. I ended up telling about my episode without pills during those Christmas weeks. My story triggered something in him as well, making him share now a lot more on the topic with an honesty I hadn't heard before. Coincidentally we were at a similar point in our sexual paths and it was cathartic to be able to share all of it without judgement or embarrassment. We agreed that we would not use PreP again when dating each other. We don't need it. 9. The Seed Idea That Keeps Growing That agreement, which seemed a bit anecdotal at the moment, became a recurrent topic after our initial discussion. We began mentioning often how nice it would be to stop using the pills completely and why we felt that way. We went from the idea of not using PreP when together, to stopping for a few weeks for every encounter, as a nice reward for enjoying another date. The idea of reducing my use of the pills keeps popping up in my head. And our influence on each other serves as a spur to keep taking steps. I started thinking I could stop PreP when fucking as a top, as the risk is lower and acceptable. He encouraged me to go ahead and give in to what I truly lust for. 10. Where to go from here? This is where I am now. I know it is not logical and that it is irresponsible health wise. But I truly enjoy having sex without any protection. That feeling of not caring and just submiting to an inner animal lust is really addictive. Probably there is some brain expert that can explain how desires like this take such a strong hold, while they seem like an autosabotage to the average external viewer. I'm afraid of HIV and in itself is not kink that I chase. I often find myself justifying with "nowadays most people are on pills so chances are really slim". I read on this page from people who were actually trying to get infected and failing during years. But I don't even know if it is really true. Is it truly just a certainty and a just matter of time once you don't use protection? I'm still taking Prep when bottoming with anon dates, but if my history with bareback is of any indication, that could easily be a lost war and that wall will eventually collapse as well. I read a couple of post form people that were in a similar spot, but I would appreciate it anybody has any advice or personal learning to share in this regard. If Im being just an idiot, then I want to hear too. I can take it. Anyway, thanks for reading it until here.