Joe158

Thanks so much everyone... it's nice to see all these different points of views and opinions. I'm still thinking about everything and haven't made up my mind 100% on the issue. I've decided so far to wait til after my move, when my head might be a bit clearer about my ex. I should be a lot happier once moved so I can sort it out then. I'm still interested in hearing what people think... and also making some new friends in South London :-)

@einathens, I haven't been screened for depression though it's my opinion we are all on a scale for it. Some people get low at times, some people get low a lot. And I don't believe in all that (though I'm an Aquarius ;-)) @slowfuck, thanks for the great advice. I know I'm the one putting the pressure on. I've always been hard on myself. I just feel i'm smart enough to figure this all out. Impatience again ;-) I like the advice about being honest with sexual partners... but it seems so hard to find these people. Most guys go from "Hi" to "lets fuck" in a matter of minutes (or less). The nice ones who want to have a conversation and really make a connection (which I think makes for much better sex anyway) seem few and far between. I think that's another reason why I'm so down from the break-up. He got me. He new my limits and how to push them and was understanding and trustworthy. I haven't generally seen that in guys before, especially in the areas of kinkyness that I like. I guess I just want to find someone who acted in the same way and was generally a nice person (even when doing things that outsiders may think weren't what a nice person would do).

Hey JizzdumpWI, Thanks for the reply. I admit that I want to bareback, it's been a fantasy from a young age and doing it in the last few months has been a lot of fun. But at the same time I'm scared and don't want to. It's really frustrating. I feel like screaming at myself to make up my mind already. I feel I know what I want... but there's just a big wall in the way that I can't seem to break down. But then I wonder if it is what I truely want. Surely if I did want to do it it shouldn't be this hard? And I do agree with you... I don't really trust someone (especially on here or BBRT or other sites where BB sex comes up) when they say they're neg but like to go bareback with people. I know equally someone could say that of me, but I feel that undetectable guys know their status and VL as they get tested frequently, whereas guys that say they're neg may not know (or may be untruthful)... and yes I'm aware that I could be the same... thinking I'm negative but not know for sure. I know that most people take time off... but I'm not really that type of person. I want to get back into my sex life again and start enjoying it. Exploring and having fun and meeting new people. I don't really consider myself a slut, as I much prefer to meet a guy (or two) on a regular basis rather than 100s of complete strangers. I know it will take time for my head to clear and for me to be ready to date again... but I'm impatient. I want that feeling of closeness back, of being wanted. I'm actually moving to London in 2 weeks time. I was offered a really good job (and naturally, everything was sorted weeks ago, as in accommodation and finance planning and what not). I needed a fresh start as my "friends" that I had weren't being the best of friends. I felt lonely, excluded and nobody really contacted me to ask me out places... or when they did I was always last on the list and usually forgotten. Meeting my ex gave me a direction to go and so I looked for jobs in the big city. Now that we've broken up I still plan on moving. I think it will be good to me to have a fresh start in a new place. My new flatmates are lovely and I get on well with them. I notice that I'm usually much happier when I'm there sorting flat stuff than when I come home. I feel a lot less lonely when I stay with them. So it will be a bit better in a couple of weeks I think. It's nice to see that people are out there to have intelligent conversations with, thanks guys :-)

Hey cumlatrine, I definitely do want to stay neg, that's not in question here. @einathens, I know I should cut myself some slack. But at the moment I can't. I've always been a bit more mature than most people my own age (which is usually why I go for older guys), but right now I just feel frustrated and stuck. My ex is definitely not my future in a relationship sense. I do still love him, and it's hard seeing him sometimes. But I know I wouldn't want to go back to him. It wouldn't be the same. I'm merely saying that I know he'll be a good friend eventually. We click on a lot of levels, and as with all my previous exes I will hopefully stay friends with him. He's really the first person I've felt completely comfortable around and like I could be myself (instead of always holding bits of me back). As for alcohol and drugs, I don't need them I know. I didn't really start drinking til late last year as I've never found drinks that I've liked. Even now I've found a few I still don't drink that much. Same with drugs. I don't really get much from them. Apart from the ability to stay awake all night. But even then I hardly ever do them. So that's not an issue for me. I let loose and be a piggy without them. I think a lot of this is still just getting over him. Feeling down and alone and questioning everything. But these things I feel need to be sorted out. I think as far as drugs are concerned they're definitely not my scene. I mean something "light" every now and again I think would be ok. But I don't see myself as doing anything hardcore. So I guess that's that one sorted. and I've been getting tested every 4-6 months since I was 17 ;-)... I'm a bit odd in that I'm actually responsible for a 23yr old ;-) I suppose it just comes down to my personality. I always like having things sorted and planned out. Not massively planned... but a general outline. Sex has always been important to me as I'm a very sexual person... and with my sex drive basically non-existent it's kind of making me feel down. And trying to figure out the whole "what I want" situation is making me feel worse. But I like your advice... I've tried a fair amount... and want to try lots more. But I guess I feel a bit untrusting of others. With my ex, I trusted him completely in a way that's never happened before. I guess I'm trying to find someone who I can regain that trust with (and I don't mean in a relationship kinda way).

So as the title suggests; I have a dilemma. I'm in my early 20's and neg and my (now ex) partner is poz. I've always known I've had a very dirty side, but have always been too scared to let that side out. But he was the first person I felt comfortable enough to do it. I guess he awoke something in me for a lot more than I had realised. BDSM/Master and Slave/pain and even more filthiness than I thought I wanted. He made me feel comfortable enough to try some drugs and drink more (as my friends attempts at peer pressure never worked) and many other things that I am thankful for and not just in the bedroom. But as you can probably tell, we broke up. Amicably, but I still am in love with him and am feeling pretty bad about it all. I've seen him a few times and although I feel we can become really good friends eventually... at the moment; it sucks. So going from high sex drive to no sex drive in the length of one conversation, I begin to start asking myself. Do I still want to do this? Admittedly I need to get tested a bit down the line to see if I'm still neg (which I believe I am as he and the majority of guys we played with were undetectable... and I have had no flu-like symptoms since), and if that were to come back poz I'd probably continue being a filthy fucker. But right now, I'm stuck. I'm at a bit of a cross roads where I don't really know what I want in my life anymore. I only ever did drugs with him, but am now questioning that. Do I still want to do it? I think a lot of this is that he was my stable base to try things, and either way (liking or not) I could always come back and there would be no pressures or bad feelings. Barebacking. That's the main thing I'm trying to deal with. As with most men, I love the way it feels. But now I'm no longer with him, I don't know if it's what I want. I have to point this out; I'm NOT a bugchaser. I don't want to be positive. Back then I knew the risks (and staying with undetectable guys meant it was pretty darn low chance!) and I came to accept that in doing it there was always that chance. And I was prepared for that. But now I'm not with him everything in my head has changed. I guess knowing I had him made me not worry so much about it all and allowed me the freedom to be a filthy pig. I don't want to put all this on him... it's just what I'm thinking right now. But now I don't have him I'm plagued with doubts. I've tried going back to safe sex and it was a horrible experience. Equally I've barebacked since and it wasn't a good experience either. They left, and I felt even more confused about it all than before. I guess I sort of feel stuck. I can't seem to decide one way or the other, I can't seem to stop thinking about it. I've tried talking with him about it, and he was there for me and listened. But my most recent conversation he was a little drunk it would seem and he said it felt like I KNEW what I wanted to do, but I wanted him to validate my actions. But I've been thinking about it and don't see it that way at all. If I knew what I wanted to do that would be that and I've be off doing it. and this dilemma wouldn't exist. I know it's a bit biased asking for advice on this from this sort of site, but equally asking for advice elsewhere would get a "stay safe always" response. I feel that this community would be more open to give me their thoughts and opinions. Thanks for reading this essay, I always find it makes things better to talk about your troubles. So what do you all think?

Update for that night: Sorry for the wait... been a crazy few days with work. The 2 hung bears did come over... clearly they'd been partaking in some other substances before heading over... not my scene but I'm fine with it. the 9.5" wasted no time eating my face and stripping me off while the other was working my rear. Unfortunately, due to the previously mentioned substances they were a bit floppy... not impressed. BUT I am patient and I work for what I want... eventually getting them hard enough to fuck me. And oo did they. They were really getting into it... fucking me in all positions, taking turns, spitroasting. The other slightly smaller guy was still a bit floppy... So I ended up fucking him instead which he seemed to enjoy. I'm a lot more vers than I use to be... I'm above average, and nicely thick. 9.5 got behind me while I was doing his boyfriend and slid right in... it was pretty intense. Lots of dirty talk: "you gonna take our poz loads?" and when I said I was ready he started really slamming me (though I was fairly relaxed by this point so no pain), and he said "Get ready for your first one then" and shot one big load deep in me. He kept fucking the load into me and his partner (who was still impaled on my cock) was really getting off on it and finally getting hard. "How dirty are you?" Me: "Very" "Well you're gonna take my piss too" Still in me, shoving me forward and angleing my body down, promptly started filling me with all the piss inside him. The other guy scootched out from under me and went to watch... and as soon as 9.5 was done pissing (telling me to clench) the other bear slid into me and started piss fucking me. 9.5 was watching him fucking me and me playing with myself... I guess he figured I was close... he jumped on my cock and deepthroated me... made me jump a little bit felt amazing... so I shot my load down his throat. This pushed the other guy over the edge and he filled me up with load number 2 followed by pissing in me. They grabbed one of the plugs I had left on the side and slid it in (was slightly bigger than I could take but it held in nicely and I got used to it in no time) to keep their loads and piss in me. We ended up crashed out on my bed, sweaty and stinking of cum... and just chatting for the next hour or so. Was pretty nice as I hadn't spoken to them properly in a long time. They left and I REALLY needed to get all that piss out of me... was starting to feel a bit uncomfortable. A bit annoyed that their loads must have washed out too... wanted to keep it in me while I slept. But oh well... was a good evening. Looking forward to round two (which the promised they'd not do anything before and be hard as a rock to double fuck me!). Hope you enjoyed! I sure did!

Oh I'm not concerned about catching HIV... if it happens, it happens. Sort of why I generally stick with undetectables... as I'm not actively looking to get catch anything ;-) But for now I'm just having fun and enjoying getting filled up with cum.... did I mention these guys are really heavy cummers? ;-)

So this is my first post, and I thought what better way than to tell you all about what's gonna happen in 2 hours time. For a back story, I'm in my early 20's, I'm Negative and not a bug chaser. But i've come to accept the risks that I take when I let a guy fill me up with cum. For years I've been really hung up on sex, my sex education at school scared the crap out of me which meant if I ever "slipped up" with a guy I would freak. I gradually became less and less up tight about everything but still kept "slipping up" with guys and letting them bareback me. So about 4 months ago my friends invite me out into town and I meet a friend of theirs who's visiting. It was one of those instant connections where I knew I'd found something good. He's a big bear, nice fat cock... absolutely filthy. Soon enough he became my boyfriend (and am moving in the next few months to where he lives). He's poz, on meds and undetectable. And the first few times he used condoms (and viagra as he hated condoms) and would fuck me senseless... we have a pretty perfect sex life... he knows how far to push me and how much further I can take. Eventually we had "the talk", and I said I wanted it bare with him. Needless to say since then I've never looked back. I'm finally doing what I've wanted to do for so long and barebacking. Absolutely loving it. So I met these two bears last year (back when I was safe only). One thing led to another and we ended up back at my place. Started off safe, but they're bloody massive guys. One's about 9.5" and really thick. The other is 8" and a bit thicker... and I needed a break. So we stopped and were kissing and playing with each other, when the inevitable happens... they start sliding back in me raw. Felt so fucking good. I was riding the 9.5" and the other came in behind me and slipped up me too. I was in heaven. He asked if I wanted him to cum in me and I (stupidly) said no. So we finished up, I went back into my worried "have I caught something" state, but they assured me I'd be fine. I later found out they were both poz but undetectable... and sure enough, I was fine. So a year later I'm sat here... wearing my leather boots my boyfriend got me for christmas (trying to break them in and make them more comfortable) and feeling mega horned up. They message me and ask if I'm free tonight, and the plan is made. They're coming over later and we're having a repeat of last time. But I surprise them; Me: This time you're gonna fill my hole up with your poz cum. Them: You poz now then? Me: No, but I want your loads in me Them: Fuck yeah, we're gonna fill you up boy. Have been chatting with them since (the usual pre-sex filthiness) and they'll be over soon. Gotta go jump in the shower but I'll update you guys after I'm fucked senseless and loaded up with poz cum. See you soon!