I am a 44 yo gay white male. My bf is 10 years younger than me and Latin. He has a heart of gold, but sometimes isn't quite so forthcoming. I hate condoms and am pretty much a bottom; however, I do date other bottoms and like fucking them if they have a hot ass. He has one of the most amazing asses around and makes my dick hard - which, no pun intended is hard to do.
We started with safe sex, but to prove that he loved me, he asked to be barebacked. Suddenly, the sex was way better. I loved fucking him. I had no intentions on seroconverting him though. I was upfront about my status when I met him and he accepted it. We discussed the risks and I have been on the same meds for 10 years and undetectable with CD4 of 671. I am quite healthy and live a clean life. I don't smoke, drink, do drugs, stay hydrated, and eat healthy, and get a lot of sleep. I explained the risks to him, I said though they were very small, they were indeed quite rare. He agreed to take the risk.
We started living together and every weekend we had one night where we had play night. We would drink red bulls and stay up late, fucking, fisting, and using toys back and forth. It was the kind of sex he dreamed about, and now he was in a relationship to do it with someone we each loved. The relationship was supposed to be monogamous - no judgements please, but we did fool around once. We both had quite adventurous pasts and slept around quite a bit. There were gangbangs, orgies, porn, sex parties, bath houses, sex clubs, dance parties - basically sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Sex was great, though he did like the fantasy of me infecting him. I went along with it to get him to cum, it is what made him cum. But then after, I said, it wasn't really my wish. I had done my research and was pretty confident he would not get it from me. We were basically nasty pigs and found our soul mates. It felt great to love and be a total pig at the same time. We had sex several times a week, but really nasty play (fisting) once a week. We did poppers but that was it. He REALLY loves poppers.
We both cleaned up our lives and things were going quite well. He met a guy and I am not sure if something happened or not. They were close very quickly and he wasn't honest about his friendship from the beginning. Text messages were erased and there were clandestine meetings. Though, he assured me nothing was going on. I accepted it. There were other instances of dishonesty, but nothing major, just annoying.
We had one big fight and he left and stayed at a hotel and then at his new friends place. I thought it was odd that he would do it. He cleaned out his bank account and $400 went missing. We reconciled and got back together.
I had been fucking him bareback for about 9 months and nothing happened. Then, I went away for business and he told me he got sick. He said he had the flu. This happened two weeks after the fight. I was concerned because he had the flu shot. He said he felt really, really bad. He went to the hospital and they checked him out, took blood work, and gave him stuff to get better and rest. He recovered quickly and I came back. Everything seemed normal.
The time for his doctor's appointment came and he wanted me there in case there was bad news. I was concerned that I may have infected him. Paperwork was lost and they couldn't find the his results. We left but an hour later, the doctor called my phone - I'm the emergency contact. They called him first but he did not answer. The doctor said he found the results and asked us to come in. I knew it was bad news. They don't ask you to come in if the news is good. Doctors are too busy, they can just deliver it over the phone. I told my bf and we drove to the office.
I knew when I saw the doctors face - that look - I remember it so well from 12 years ago. I held his hand. His life would change forever. He delivered the news. My bf cried and so did I. His viral load was 390,000, so the infection was acute and the doctor said the good news is that it was recent and we caught it early. I knew it wasn't the end of the world. He was in shock and I was in shock. How did this happen? I had infected him. The doctor even said he was going to rethink his advice because of this instance.
He ordered a genotype. I asked for mine just out of curiosity. I put on a brave face for him, but inside I was devastated. I did not want to intentionally infect him. I'm a statistician and knew the risks, but the risks were so infinitely small. I did not understand how the regression models I ran could be so wrong. How could all of the data I read be so wrong? How was this 1:1,000,000 chance our bad luck? I was depressed inside and felt a tremendous amount of guilt. He took it in stride and seemed less concerned than me. For an entire month, I had a ball and chain of guilt around my neck.
And then the genotype came back. They were completely different. I went over and over what happened. I asked him about the seedy hotel he stayed in. During that weekend, he was on bbrt and other sex sites for a long time, then he went silent for about a day and a half. I had heard through people that guys were getting a Latino twink fucked up on tina and gang banging the guy. He called 3 days later (when the depression would hit after tina use) and wanted to get back together. I agreed but felt that it was him getting gang banged. He changed the story about the hotel; however, $400 was missing. His friend with whom he stayed with openly has a crush on him, so coming back from gang bang would not please the friend.
I secretly jacked off to the idea of my bf getting gang banged and asked him about it. He denied it. I have a gut feeling it was him. To me, it would be a hot scene, not getting HIV, but getting barebacked by guy after guy, fucking his beautiful ass. And the evidence <seems> to suggest that he got at least fucked that weekend bareback. I assured him I wouldn't get upset but wanted to know - and of course hear the story - as it would turn me on. I explained to him that it wasn't me. He said he had "one" bareback experience a year ago. However, flu like symptoms and a viral load of 390,000 seems unlikely. There was also a time we went to two guys' place and it was bareback, but that was 6 months previous to the flu like symptoms. I gog sick two weeks after I got barebacked. I remember it quite well, he was fisting me and then he brought me in his bedroom away from the other guys. He started barebacking my ass. He was a skinhead and had a beautiful cock. I could not say no to him. He came in my butt. I knew when I felt his warm juice inside me, that was it. Two weeks later - the worst flu - but it was over in a day.
In his mind, I think the relationship would be ruined if he admitted to such an event. It would change the dynamics of the relationship. It won't to me.
So, my question is....Is my gut right? It was a relief to know I wasn't the one, but I am disturbed that my bf isn't honest with me. The evidence seems to suggest that something happened when we got in the terrible fight. Perhaps he was getting even and got laid. Perhaps he wanted HIV and wasn't satisfied that I wasn't giving it to him - because I am undetectable. I feel the relationship can't move forward until the truth is told. And of course, I would LOVE to hear the story. It would make my big cock hard in an instant.
So, I have a poll. Low numbers are that he didn't get gang banged and it was something in the distant past, high numbers are a high probability that he most likely had sex (gang bang or not) but he got laid 2 weeks before the flu like symptoms occurred. I would also welcome any ideas on how to deal with this issue.
