rPup

Those in Suicidal ideation

I have a 0% success rate in helping people get whole. I love you. I am rooting for you. I don’t think you understand how much it hurts me to say this…. but I can’t save you from yourself.

I care about everyone. It may seem hypocritical that an AIDS+ Barebacker would be an advocate for taking care of mental health. (Especially when mine is not exactly perfect and healthy.) Literally and figuratively - stay with me though.

I know the world is tough, and sometimes continuing on with life is hard to do. You are loved, and you have options that are available to you; some that may not be known right now. 

I would love to see you get all the emotional support you need. You can find the contentment, happiness, and love that is missing in your life if you stay with us.

But please talk to a professional.  Talk to the Trevor Project at 988, anywhere in the U.S. They are equipped to help you in ways that I am not able to.

A brief background. I come in contact with a good deal of HIV chasers who are interested in getting together. I don’t discriminate based on HIV/AIDS status so I defer to what you are comfortable with. I have determined that two types of chasers exist, and while the lines might blur on many aspects, one is certain: some are interested in connecting with others in a deeper way that is not possible with same sex biology. Others may see it as a means to an end.

If I am either seen as your means to an end of your life or as the answer to freeing yourself from your suicidal ideation in any way, I have to wholeheartedly and respectfully decline to be apart of that. 

I have a severe case of PTSD trying to save a successful chaser from himself. I gave my heart and soul and everything else I had to try to keep him alive to no avail. I cannot explain how scary it can be every single day as the only one who has the power to talk an individual down from their ledge.

To those who care for someone who is in the same situation, words of advice: When it seems like their life is getting better, it potentially just might be an illusion. 

The results of two years of unconditional love and care at the expense of my own health resulted in the most painful gut-wrenching phone call I’ve ever had to endure. I am still unable to move on from the loss of him.

I could be called a hypocrite based on my status as AIDS positive. You may say that I am not taking care of myself the way I should, if I am interested in prolonging my life. You would be correct. I failed at a number of different things centered in maintaining my health. Side effects that were unbearable, lack of mental health care by Kaiser Permanente, easily lost health care coverage and multiple levels of CA government bureaucracy to regain it, and I am finding myself in the last stages of AIDS infection. Sure, my reasons might be excuses, but a combination of depression and grief while managing a chronic condition which generally had no noticeable effects until things got really bad. 

What is done is done. I would like to prolong my life, if possible, but I know that my days could be shorter than I would like. I may die within 2 years. I may have live with it regardless if I decide to re-consider HAART, and find out that it is not providing me with the results I need to get back to a healthy place. 

While I have made mistakes myself, I am still grateful for whatever time I have left here on Earth. Knowing how much I never really had the desire or the reason to complete suicide, having failed at saving my own love from suicide, I don’t know what to say to help… but I am keenly aware how I am not professionally trained to know what is best for ensuring your longevity. I don’t want to be seen as a monster, but as a person who is on the spectrum and has the same love in his heart for you as always. I have to be mindful of how much emotional bandwidth I have left in my life to be sure that you will have the support you need from someone who can help you at full strength.

I hate to be so direct, but I am going to have to take care of myself and politely decline - but only until we get you back to loving yourself again.

There is help - call 988. Love yourself.