When I was seroconverting, I was absolutely miserable. Psychologically and physically miserable. The worst summer of my life. Last thing I wanted to do was fuck. Everything I tried to eat tasted like a ton of salt was dumped on it. And eventually I had no appetite as I was just nauseous all the time. I could barely eat half a small portion of dinner. I was down from 140 to 105 pounds. I looked like shit. Everyone could tell just by looking at me. It was not exciting, it was humiliating. The first doctor's appointment was at this clinic. I had to go upstairs to check in and then downstairs and knock on a door to be let in. They had it set so no patients would see one another. While I get some people wanting privacy, to me it made me feel like I should be ashamed. Certainly nobody with cancer would hide in shame, other than putting on a brave face for family. Speaking of which, my mother is very mentally fragile. I tried to keep it from her and family, but seeing my emaciated, my parents figured it out. This was right around the time my dad found out he had cancer. My mom was so stressed out over all of this that she had a stroke. Now, the stroke may not have been caused by stress, but to this day I feel some what responsible. I missed a lot of work but did not want to tell my coworkers and supervisors what was going on because I was ashamed. So it just made me look bad as I was screwing up and missing work without a proper explanation. When I did go to work, I would have vertigo and just wasn't all there. My work performance suffered greatly. I broke out in disgusting cystic acne all over my chest and back that took years of trying different antibiotics to get rid of. Not exciting. The acne remained well after I was undetectable.
If you decide to not go on meds and if you're deluded enough to think you're going to want to have lots of sex as the HIV is progressing into AIDS, consider this... you're going to look like death if you don't get on meds. You're only going to have so much time to "swap strains" and "charge up" other bugchasers before you're too sick to do anything but lay in the hospital and slowly die while the bear runs and cum unions and raw fuck parties go on without you.
At one point, even once I was undetectable, I was drunk... and I don't consider it rape, but I was fucked while I was half passed out. At first I said no, but later I woke up and he was in me. I didn't stop him because I was too drunk and just let him do his thing. Being shitfaced and half passed out is not the time to have a dialogue about HIV status. He was neg and he fucked me raw. Afterwards, even though I did not want to hook up with him in the first place, word spread that we fucked and then it came out that I didn't disclose. His friend (and someone I thought was my friend) knew I was poz and undetectable, but still was ignorant to the fact you can't transmit it when undetectable. He ended up telling his entire circle of friends that I hooked up and didn't disclose, placing sole blame on me even though I had said no. My reputation was socially damaged from this. This was not at all "exciting". It was humiliating. And that's the thing. Even though that was like 5 years ago, and even though people are more educated and on PReP these days, there are still guys that aren't going to want to fuck you once you're poz. You will either have to lie or face rejection. And if you do lie and word spreads, guys for example will pull out their phones after we've fucked and pull up scruff and go down the list of who they fucked... So when your pic comes up (and fags do talk) if anyone knows you're poz and didn't disclose, look forward to having your reputation ruined too. If you're a total slut that wants to fuck as many guys as possible, you will be decreasing your pool of willing partners. Not sure why any slut would want to do that. Especially now that PReP is an option.
It took me a while to find a cool doctor too. I had some doctors that would lecture me about condom use every time I would go to get blood work. I would usually request getting tested for all the standard STIs with my quarterly blood work. Just the fact I asked for these tests was basically an admission that I was barebacking. They didn't seem to understand that the guys that wear condoms, don't want to fuck a poz guy even with a condom. The only guys that want to fuck me are guys that only fuck raw. And yes, I prefer raw, but I'm not against condom use. While I enjoy a cummy hole as much as the next cumslut, I actually prefer that the top pull out and cum in my mouth and condoms usually make that a possibility.
I don't want to sound judgmental, but I really don't understand HIV eroticism and it's a major turn off to me. I do however very much get being turned on by danger and risk taking and wanting to be sexually liberated and the natural high of going out and having wild anonymous slutty raw sex. But with PReP, you can have the wild fun without being destined to get HIV. Of course there is still HPV, Hepatitis and super-gonorrhea to worry about. For those who think, "If I'm taking Truvada anyway, what's the difference of just taking Genvoya or Atripla instead?" The difference is, you might not always be the same cumslut you were when you were pozzed. You might want to actually settle down some day, in which case you could have a monogamous sex life with your partner and go off PReP. It should however be mentioned that the kind of guys that want to settle down probably don't want some pozzed up whore with anal warts. Tenofovir is NOT good for your kidneys. You shouldn't take PReP forever, but once you're poz, you will be taking kidney killing meds forever. Remember, there is no cure for viruses. The idea that there will be a cure for HIV is just not realistic. "Functionally cured" is the best those of us with HIV can hope for.
If feel like some of this fetishization of HIV has to do with the self destructive behavior that some gay men subject themselves to due to internalized homophobia. That they don't feel they deserve better. I think talking to a therapist is something those of you who are bugchasing or considering doing so should do. Because being a submissive cumdump doesn't mean you have to get HIV in the era of PReP. Again, I'm not here to judge or kill your fun. I'm just giving my thoughts.
I think the bugchasing is best kept as a fantasy. For example, there are hot guys that are totally out of my league. I can't have sex with them because they aren't interested. I'm into big bears but a lot of them don't want a small guy like me. So... I have to fantasize. I have no choice. The thing is, you do have a choice to not get HIV. Love yourself enough to value your life. You have more to give to the world than just sex. The idea of being born to service men is hot role playing and all, but no, when your mother had you in her womb, her goal and all the suffering of carrying you wasn't so you could be a cumdump. You were not born to do anything, this is what you've chosen to give into. Maybe we can't control our desires, but we can control how we act upon them. Choose life.
