I just took my first poz load i feel conflicted

[adam4adam]

I have never felt like this in my life. I thank the top for taking time out of his life to breed me, and he kinda forced me to take it because I was nervous. I feel good about it and liberated and now I can just get fucked like crazy, but on the other hand I am somewhat sad because career-wise this closes doors for me. Actually I feel very sad, in fact I cried over the experience. I kept going back and forth, but in the end am glad I did it.

Edited February 8, 2012 by Hotload84

[Bareconfessions]

If you feel conflicted, then I would suggest that you stop taking known poz loads. Active chasing is not for everyone. No shame in not wanting to become poz. Though I don't regret my past, I would not have knowingly took the loads that made me poz. We all have to live our lives to our comfort, not someone else's. And though you don't go into a lot of detail, there is no certainty that you did convert from this guy.

[ryanroman]

without getting into specifics, what profession are you in that my no longer be available in the event you become POZ? You may not be POZZED off your first POZ load in your ass, so I'd encourage you to think about the advice Bareconfessions offered...

[adam4adam]

actually he didnt shoot his load and the encounter didnt even last long i blew my load as soon as he put it in

i made the choice i have to live with it

[Bareconfessions]

Then from the sound of it, you were not exposed and should be fine. But like I said, I don't think bareback is for you and you should probably not be doing it.

[adam4adam]

thanks for advice

[rsidebb]

How would having HIV close career doors?

[adam4adam]

i would not be allowed in certain countries

[GermanFucker]

There are some careers where HIV is an issue, two examples off the top of my head:

Aviation: Some countries (e.g. former USSR states) have archaic laws regarding entry into the country for HIV+ people, which means your employer can't send you anywhere he might need to.

Thoracic surgery: There's always the risk the surgeon will cut himself on a sharp bone fragment. The insurance alone will keep an HIV+ thoracic surgeon out of the OR (Ironically I know a surgeon who himself got infected that way. Ended his career).

As to adam4adams post:

To quote Henley: You are the master of your fate: You are the captain of your soul. There's nothing keeping you from changing your mind, if you want to. It is YOUR choice. Ask yourself what you really want. If converting isn't for you, get tested, so you know for sure if you're still neg (which is VERY likely).

But most of all: Sex is for enjoyment, you shouldn't have to worry about it.

[adam4adam]

german thanks for the advice

its something i fantisied about for a long time, from this website it would seem like its easy hooking up with poz guys but in reality for me its difficult because they are rare in my area.

i get tested every 3 months anyway.I wish i could stop bb its so hard. I use to be one of those judgmental type person i never understood why people would bb. around this time last year i took my first cock bare and i have been doing ever since. its actually almost a miracle that i am still neg.

this is someting i know i have to deal with soon but this is something that is so taboo i just feel like no one would understand me

[ZPBB23]

Adam, it is a very taboo idea so much so we come here so we know we aren't alone. I too am conflicted when presented the opportunity to possibly get knocked up this weekend from a very sexy gift-giver. I understand how we feel this urge and how it seems to take over our sex lives and we feel obsessed and can't really turn to anyone who would understand. The likelihood of your conversion is rare, but nothing is impossible. Meditate on it to make sure this is a path you must go or a path you must surely trail off of. Don't let it eat you up for that moment has already gone. I hope you learn what path you must go.

[GermanFucker]

@ adam4adam: Funny, we are different in that regard. I was never that judgemental, but then again I also never fantasized about HIV. I bareback (always!) because I enjoy it and in many ways my life resembles good porn. But boy, would I prefer a world without HIV/AIDS, where EVERYone would bareback naturally. I am fine with the risk I'm taking and I don't discriminate against poz guys - if end up poz myself that's just fate - but I don't seek it out.

In the end it's about being at peace with yourself. This can be:

- wanting to stay HIV-neg and going back to having safe sex

- serosorting and trying to minimize risk

- taking all loads no questions asked and just letting the dice roll

- seeking out poz tops / conversion fucks

or any other facet on the spectrum. It doesn't have to make sense to others. Some will tell you serosorting doesn't work, others will tell you that bugchasers have psychological issues. That's not the point. The point is finding out what feels right FOR YOU.

It is good to have other people with whom you can openly talk about that kind of stuff. But keep in mind: You don't have to feel obliged and you don't have to run with the crowd. You can choose your associations, but you shouldn't let your associations handle your most personal choices. For all you know, I - or any other guy on the internet - could be a 92-year-old virgin, so who am I to tell you stuff? IT IS YOUR FUCKING LIFE.

[adam4adam]

@german

thanks for the advice for now i am just going to abstain from sex and get tested in about 3 months and from there think about what i want to do

[rsidebb]

Ok I get the whole Doctor thing. Damn I know where you're at adam, because I'm right on the line as well. I fucking love cum, I would love to have a cum packed hole after a wonderful gang bang by a bunch of kinky white leather tops, but damn doesn't HIV cause problems with what you want. I have been fucked by 5-7 HIV+ men, but only one has shot their load in me but was considered undetectable now that I saw his BBRT profile, but pre-cum also counts as well and I can safely assume that everyone who fucked me raw pre-cummed in me because it's uncontrolable. I wish I could say I like getting fucked by people solely because of their looks and interests, but I know that the idea of someone giving me their (aka deadly, toxic, poison, demon, virulent, etc.) POZ load (did any of those keyterms turn anyone on cause it did for me just thinking ) turns me on in the sense that I don't need to worry about catching anything more serious than HIV, except for HEP-C and AIDS. I see that HIV isn't that much of a problem other than HEP-C and other STDs and STIs because they actually cause apparent damage currently having them. But I'm sure I'll either convert without knowing, or I will see someone who is close by and just throw myself on to him mark me and fuck his poison deep in my hole multiple times to make sure it works. Which I kind of saw some hot bald guy on BBRT in Palm Springs who mentioned something of the sort, and he fucking turns me on. I'll let him rape my hole a set as many toxic seeds he wants in my bubble ass whenever he wants, however he wants. I guess if I get HIV it has to be by someone I deem hot enought to and turn it around into, a complete surprise to all my friends. But just my opinion...

[adam4adam]

@rside

wow i am somewhat impressed i havent gone that far yet...so far i have only hooked up with on poz guy, i dont regret it but my reaction to it like others had said allowed me to know its not for me. The thing is if i didnt cum as soon as the top put his dick inside me i would def be poz now