Anxiety about sex

[Vicarious]

Hello everyone. I've been a lurker for a little while now and thought I would make this thread to get some advise from you guys. I'm not sure if anyone else has suffered from this but I tend to get a lot of anxiety before sex.

To give you some background information I'm in my mid 20's and haven't been very sexually active. I had sex for the first time when I was 19 and had sex with less then 10 people since then. Other then a few exceptions I normally don't have sex with the same person more then one time. I'm not a very good looking guy and not in the best shape (5 10, 185, 34w) and pretty self conscious about myself. I normally don't sleep with the same person more then one time is because I'm normally worried that I wasn't good enough in bed or that they didn't have fun.

I normally won't hook up and when I do it seems like it takes a act of God for me to do it. It's not that I'm not horny but just that I'm normally so nervous about doing it that I won't go threw with it and would just sit home and jerk off. I know that you guys are probably thinking I'm some introverted-geek-weirdo but I'm really not, in fact I'm pretty much the opposite of that (play sports, ride motorcycles, big into the outdoors, etc..)

It always just seems that I focus so much on what could go wrong that I can't really enjoy myself. I could spend 3 hours cleaning myself before sex and all I'm worried about when I'm getting fucked is how I hope I'm clean and nothing comes out.

I also love having sex bareback (obviously since I'm on here). I always talked myself out of liking it before and even told myself it was gross but one time I was hooking up a guy in his 40's. He had the biggest cock I had ever seen to this day and when he was about to start fucking me I saw him wanting to not use a condom. I asked him to put one on and he reluctantly put one on. When he was fucking me doggy style he slipped the condom off and started fucking me bareback and breed me (he said the condom broke and he didn't notice lol). I remember freaking out and not having sex for over a year after that happened but looking back it was the hottest thing that has happened to me. Also that was the one and only load I have ever taken. I have gone bareback a few other times but they never came inside me.

I just needed to vent since lately I've been getting pretty down on myself. It's just really frustrating that for some reason I can't allow myself to enjoy sex. Also it doesn't help that I have no one to talk too. I have all straight friends and most of them know that I am gay I don't feel comfortable enough to share how I want loads in my ass but have to much anxiety to feel good enough to do it.

[rivertimber]

Being nervous is natural. I have been nervous a lot of times. I have backed out of so many oportunities that it is unreal. My advice is to first relax. If an encounter is going to happen then let it. Second don't clam up and keep the partner from not contacting you later. If you haven't, then share your number, email, etc. (one of the above will do); and by all means get his. Allow followup contact. Don't worry about being good or not. If he liked the meeting, the sex, the conversation, YOU; then he will contact you again. Let it happen. The second and third meets will be even better for the both of you because yall have gotten all of the first hookup hickups glitches out of the way. Again I say Let it happen.

I will also say to relax and live it large online. On the forums, in the chat rooms, privite messages, etc; just try to relax and talk it up. Listen. Learn. If I was you I would post in my ads, that I am not just looking for a one time fun time, but I am looking for a friend that I can talk to, hang with, and enjoy life with. As you say that there are several outdoor fun things you like to do, then list these things as your likes, your hobbies. There will be several men that will have simular tastes in activites. One can plan a day riding bikes, or hiking, or other physical hobbies with no sex on the schedual. But I would take a shoot, that if the two of you have fun then something may turn sexual. Even if it is not a home run, something may happen.

Get involved with the online discussions around here. Take the polls. We won't bite. Well...maybe just lightly on your ass.

Biggest thing is to just relax. Condom or no condom. JUST RELAX.

[Vicarious]

Thanks for the advice river. I just recently started getting back into gay online sites. When I was younger I used to be on gay.com a lot but kind of got away from that and just recently started going on adam4adam but I haven't had a lot of luck yet. I think finding some people that I can do things with would be a great way to start. I don't have any gay friends or know any gay guys which I'm sure is why I'm probably not very comfortable. When I was younger I meet this guy who was amazing and we hit it off. I'm very oblivious when it comes to knowing when someone is interested in me and I only found out that he really liked me until he had moved away. I just remember how awesome it was to have someone to hang out with and do shit with and I wouldn't of been nervous at all sleeping with him.

The only problem I'm coming across is I can't find anyone that shares any of my interests. I would love to find someone else who is into riding motorcycles since it's my favorite hobby and pretty much every nice day I try and go out but it so far I haven't found anyone (I honestly would of thought more gay guys would be into riding). I do talk to one guy online pretty often but he lives about 8 hours from me. I started talking to him since both of us are pretty big into poker. He does have a boyfriend but it's still nice to have someone to talk to.

[slowfuck]

Hello Vicarious.

Welcome and well done for posting this post and being so open about it.

Fear of disapproval is something I battled with myself and I think quite common for people who have been bullied or made to feel insecure in other ways. Fear of doing something wrong, of not being liked, of being ridiculed. This may be where the excess worry about inner cleanliness comes from. They can all stop you going through with a meet, and when you do you're so worried you can't perform that, surprise, surprise, you can't until you stop the voices in your head and let yourself relax. Not wanting to pursue a second session with anyone avoids the risk of finding out they don't want to do it again with you I guess.

Realising that it's a fear not a fact and only as true as you think it is, you can learn that it doesn't have to be true. It's a state of mind. Having a fear like this makes us act a certain way that reinforces it. So you fear disapproval. You don't make a move and act hesitantly which others read as disinterest and the moment passes. So you think they don't like you. And they think you don't like them. Lose - Lose.

Despite the classic gay model type with muscles and a six-pack being held on a pedestal by many, may people are intimidated by or disinterested in them and prefer regular guys like you. It's a matter of looking in the right places with the right attitude. If you make a move on a guy online or in a club and they respond negatively, don't take it personally. They weren't right for you. Move on.

I'm guessing your interest in biking is probably as big or bigger than your interest in sex from what you say. I wonder if there are gay biker clubs around near you? There are in the UK. Google 'gay bikers association' or 'gay bikers clubs' and see. Enjoy being with gay guys. Don't have to be sexual but who knows?

Sex can only be enjoyed when you're relaxed. When you're watching porn alone, notice how your body is totally relaxed, all the thoughts and feelings are in your head until you get light-headed and your groin convulses and you cum. You're also not judging yourself on performance. You're just enjoying the experience. When you're with someone and you start to worry about performance and being judged it will all go wrong again. He says from frequent experience!

The start position has to be getting to be comfortable with yourself. Once you have self-confidence, you'll be on a roll. Good luck

[thick]

Yep slowfuck said it well. you have to learn to relax. AND the only way for you to do so is to close your eyes and jump off the highboard into the pool. If you sit at home obsessing it will make your fear grow. If you have a phobia of crowds. Your therapist will take you to crowds to show you there is nothing to fear. If you have a fear of sexual encounters, you must make yourself have those encounters such that your mind will realize there is nothing to be afraid of.

All of us have bad sex hookups and all of us have good sex hookups. Just remember that sex is a dirty, messy and fun sport. The guy youre hookin up with is gonna be nervous too. But if you 2 click then you will fuck again. And it will be even more fun. Stop relying also on finding a hookup that shares your hobbies. That will come if you find someone whom you really like and they like you.

Just find someone that thinks youre sexy, and the rest will fall right in place.

[Vicarious]

Hello Vicarious.

Welcome and well done for posting this post and being so open about it.

Fear of disapproval is something I battled with myself and I think quite common for people who have been bullied or made to feel insecure in other ways. Fear of doing something wrong, of not being liked, of being ridiculed. This may be where the excess worry about inner cleanliness comes from. They can all stop you going through with a meet, and when you do you're so worried you can't perform that, surprise, surprise, you can't until you stop the voices in your head and let yourself relax. Not wanting to pursue a second session with anyone avoids the risk of finding out they don't want to do it again with you I guess.

Realising that it's a fear not a fact and only as true as you think it is, you can learn that it doesn't have to be true. It's a state of mind. Having a fear like this makes us act a certain way that reinforces it. So you fear disapproval. You don't make a move and act hesitantly which others read as disinterest and the moment passes. So you think they don't like you. And they think you don't like them. Lose - Lose.

Despite the classic gay model type with muscles and a six-pack being held on a pedestal by many, may people are intimidated by or disinterested in them and prefer regular guys like you. It's a matter of looking in the right places with the right attitude. If you make a move on a guy online or in a club and they respond negatively, don't take it personally. They weren't right for you. Move on.

I'm guessing your interest in biking is probably as big or bigger than your interest in sex from what you say. I wonder if there are gay biker clubs around near you? There are in the UK. Google 'gay bikers association' or 'gay bikers clubs' and see. Enjoy being with gay guys. Don't have to be sexual but who knows?

Sex can only be enjoyed when you're relaxed. When you're watching porn alone, notice how your body is totally relaxed, all the thoughts and feelings are in your head until you get light-headed and your groin convulses and you cum. You're also not judging yourself on performance. You're just enjoying the experience. When you're with someone and you start to worry about performance and being judged it will all go wrong again. He says from frequent experience!

The start position has to be getting to be comfortable with yourself. Once you have self-confidence, you'll be on a roll. Good luck

Thanks for the reply. Back in middle/High school I did get bullied a lot. I was never physically assaulted but I did get picked on a lot. Even though most of the time the people doing it made homosexual remakes to a lot of people it always really got to me since I knew that I was gay and it wasn't as easy for me to simply shrug it off as the straight people could. People would always told me to ignore them or shrug them off since they thought it wasn't true. It eventually got better though in my senior year. I think part of the reason was a bunch of people found out since I had written a paper for English class about my personal struggles being gay and how much it affected me and caused me being depressed. One day when the teacher was out and we had a sub someone stole the papers from the teachers test and read mine. I'm not sure if people felt bad for me and stopped or maybe they just matured a little bit. Whatever the reason was it sure made my life a lot better the last year of school. It also didn't help going to a Catholic middle school/ coming from a pretty conservative family.

My interest in biking is probably my biggest interest in my life besides auto racing (another interest that has about 0 gay interest). I've looked on google but couldn't find any groups in my area. I live in a part of the states that really sucks for anything to do with gay activities unfortunately. I realize that I don't need to find guys who share a common interest for sex but I feel part of my problem is that I don't have any connection to any gay people. I've had one gay friend my entire life and he moved away 5 years ago. I think maybe if I could meet some gay guys I would feel more relaxed when going to hook-up with someone.

I guess I could start and force myself to go out and start sleeping around. I really just need to learn how to relax and enjoy myself. If I stopped looking at porn and jerking off a couple times a day it would probably force me to go get laid since I would be so horny. I'm going to try and get laid sometime this weekend to start the ball rolling. It's been almost a year since the last time I had sex so I think I'm a little over due.