[True Life Tales] so heres what happened...part 4

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So like dont judge me or whatever, ok? I know what your thinking, cuz Im thinking the exact same thing. Why did I screw Si over. The most incredible, fun, and full of life person I have met in along time, he brings me full pelt into his life after lusting after me for months, and as soon as I see me ex im out of there faster than you can say Nick, what the fuck are you doing?

But what would you have done if you were me? Think about it, I bet you anything there is someone in your life who you wish you could have just one more night with. And I bet for alot of people that person wont life far away. Well as you know, S lives on the other side of the world, so all the wishing for one more night with him for the last two years was all a total waste of time because I truly believed and had, to a degree, accepted it in my own mind that I would never, ever see him again. So to have the chance, even just to kiss him, to feel his breath on my mouth or just to touch his body, to look at him while he slept, just for one more night.

We walked back, and when we passed Pauls flat, I took the spare key that Si had gave me and slipped it under the door mat, texting him 'Got loads to catch up with my m8, left key under mat, see u 2moz, sorry.'

We got into Johns flat and walked silently into the spare room. The lights were off so I could just make out his sillohouette as we began undressing. There really wasnt anything to say. I was attracted to him, that night I was. It was all the pent up energy from the past months. I thought at first that this night would have to be the best night, the best sex of my life to make it worth it, otherwise why bother? But no, I decided, I wasnt here to have sex to be gratified, I was here to be with someone who I loved and had cared for.

I think there is a difference in how you have sex depending on why you are having it. If its a random hookup, if you just met someone in a bar and went home with them for a shag or hooked up online, then really how much do you care about the other person when having sex? With that type of man, its all about self gratification, isnt it? Sometimes as soon as theyve cum there outta there, it could be ten minutes or less, ur just a hole or a cock to them. And thats fne if ythats what you want at that moment, just pure sex. But its no substitute for sex in a relationship, no way. When you have sex in a relationship, or with someone you care about, you care not just about you getting off but how they are feeling and enjoying it, because then that impacts on the relationship. Sometimes them enjoying it can be even more gratifying than you getting off. I remember the second or third time S and I had sex. It was only a few days after we met, but already we cared for each other so much. We were in his parents house, and I was sleeping over in his bed [the last time that would happen for like 8 months, even after we had been living together after 4] and he was blowing me and I came. And it was really good. Then I said well what can I do for you now, and he told me, smiling, that he didnt care about cumming that night, as long as I was with him. We stayed up the rest of that night in his single bed, looking through his old yearbooks and photos. I remember at that moment thinking ok, what type of person would rather share his entire childhood with me that have sex, but very quickly that came to be something I loved deeply about him.

As we undressed, in the here and now of a cold and rainy manchester, near 3 years since we first got together, I was taken back to all those times, so far away, with him. It was an amazing time, and Im not sorry it happened, I loved it, I loved him and I was happy for such a long time there with him. I wasnt, however, pushing my own limits, doing what I wanted or making an impact on the world, but I was only 17, and I was happy. Now, nearly 20, I was happy with my life now, not happier or less happy, but different happy, more excited about the things to come and reflective but encouraged about the things that had been, there is a dynamism, a constant forward motion to my life now that wasnt there when I was living with S. But as we undressed, I was taken back. To the smell of his room, or the smell of the eucalyptus trees in his garden, the sight of the thousands of millions of stars that floodlit the wide open sky, or the sound of peaceful emptiness, the sound of the geese bleeting in the garden or the creaks of that house. There was nothing like being taken back all those miles and years.

We came together in the dark and kissed, just as I remembered. I felt his body, it was just as beautiful. He felt mine, he still touched me the same way and I still felt the same when he touched me, electrified.

Im not going to explain every single detail fo the sex like I normally do, because I am keeping that memory for myself. It was good. It was what I had expected that night from what our sex life had been when we were together. What was best about it was that it was him. I felt him again inside me, his legs, his chest, his ass and his cock, not anyone elses. It wasnt the greatest purley sexual expereince, but emotionally, it was overpowering.

After he came he then said to me what could he do for me, but like it was the first second or third time we ever had sex, I didnt need, or want to cum. It wouldnt add anything to the experience, and it would turn it into something more sexual than I wanted it to be. That night wanst about sex. It was about the two of us. As we were lying there naked in the bed, him drifting off to sleep with his head on my chest, I thought, I thought for many hours.

I loved the past with S. And yes, there was a possibility that that past could, in some sense be recreated in the future, and we could have what we used to have. But the problem was that I had grown and changed, and now, that wouldnt be enough for me. I had fallen in love with something else, the unwritten future.

We held each other in our arms. I knew in myself that this would be the last time I would be with him, potentially see or even speak to him. The idea of the future was more attractive than the past. But this time, I was making the decision. And it was a definite decision.

It was morning, the sun was streaming in. I woke S up. I explained to him what I had been thinking about, and what I had decided. I told him to stay in Manchester or wherever he wanted, to go and experience life himself too, but our paths were too divergent now to come back together. He looked at me for quite a while, stroking my hair. 'You're right' he said.

We held each other for a while. Eventually I got up and got my clothes on. I looked at him, lying there naked in the bed. I walked over and kissed him on the forehead.

'Good luck' I said.

I left, and I felt like a weight I had been carrying for so long that i didnt even realise had floated away from me like a childs balloon. I was free.

I turned the corner to where Pauls flat was, and a little bit of that weight came back down to smack me in the head. My bag was lying at the front door, packed and wet from the rain. I walked up to it, there was a note from Si: 'Hope you had fun with your ex, prick.'

I felt bad the way I had treated him, I really did. It wasnt fair, it wasnt his fault, but he had got hurt, a casualty of my selfishness.

But I picked up my bag. I felt calm. I hadnt really lost anything, I had known Si for little more than 24 hours. Yes, it was a great 24 hours, but I had tied up that loose end that had come back to whip me in the ass everytime I tried to get close to someone.

I buzzed the flat, no one answered. I tried to call Si, then Paul, nothing. i just sent him a text saying I was heading back home, and that I was truly sorry.

On the bus, I wrote Si a letter. It was 58 A4 pages, back and front by the time I had finished it. It explained everything, the relationship with S, my own past and what had been happening since then, basically my life, how I live it and why I had to act the way I did that night.

I waited a long time before posting that letter. When I got home, I locked myself in my room for a good week, only leaving to go to class when I needed to or to get food. The rest of the time I spent sleeping, thinking, chilling, or doing a bit of work. I just didnt want to speak or to see nayone for a little while. I just wanted to be able to be hapy with myself. After that week I got back to my usual busy schedule, feeling better.

I finally posted the letter, too. I posted it the day I posted the first part of this story. I got a text from Si today aswell, it made me smile so much. I hadnt heard from him at all since i had got back. I had seen some of our mutual friends though. He hadnt told them that he invited me to Manchester and that very night I had abandonned him to run off with my ex, he just said that while we had fun, we wernt quite right for each other, and I just agreed. Hes a classy guy, him.

The text said, 'I understand. xxx'

We're going for coffee next week. Nothing big, no sex or drugs or impromptu trips, just a coffee and a chat.

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