[Bear4PozLoads] Conflicted About The Whole Neg/Poz Thing

[JakeTurner]

See Bear4PozLoads original blog post...

I'm a neg bareback top. Haven't used a condom in years and have no intention of ever wanting to use one. I keep testing neg and when I get tested (about twice a year) I never really worry - I always assume I'll be neg, 'cause I always am.

Thing is, I feel like being a top is about being a breeder and I'm not a particularly good breeder 'cause I'm shooting blanks. Then there's the whole risk element of sex - for a while now the idea that I could be pozzing someone is a total turn on. When I fuck a bottom I'm either fantasizing about pozzing him or I'm getting off on the fact that he's poz. So even though I'm neg, part of me really wants to be poz.

But then there's the other part of me... The more sensible side... I know being poz can be a huge hassle and I don't feel like it's inevitable that I'll become poz. If I were a bottom I'd probably not think twice - I'd just take the loads and live with the consequences and be fine with it, 'cause I couldn't imagine the alternative - worrying every time I had sex. But I'm not a bottom - I feel like I've got a choice.

Now the weird thing is I've never really wanted to get fucked before but fantasizing about being poz has made me want to take loads so I can become poz. Not that I want to be a bottom, but because part of me wants to be a poz top. So here I am, a top, fantasizing about bottoming and taking poz loads.

I've actually taken two poz loads so far - one in the fall of 2008, and one May of 2009. Neither one pozzed me - I know the first guy was on meds and "undetectable" and I'm sorta assuming the same is true of the second guy as well. After I took the first load I was calmly at peace with it, though I wasn't rushing to do it again. But after I took the second load I kept thinking "Why did I do that?" Not that I was beating myself up or anything - just that really had no clue why I did it. I was so horny for it, but then it was sorta a let down after the fact. The reality afterwards just didn't match the fantasy.

Since then the whole taking poz loads fantasy has sorta been a bit of a disruption. If my mind goes there when I'm fucking a bottom I have a really hard time staying hard and cumming 'cause my mind sorta goes into this bottom mode. When I have zero interest in having the guy fuck me I actually do a lot better. And thinking so much about taking loads has actually made me wonder if I don't want to be a versatile top rather than a total top... Taking a poz load every now and then could be pretty hot!

I've told a few people about where my head's at and have gotten different responses. There's one poz (undetectable) versatile guy who really wants to give me his load. I'm totally on the fence about it. I like the risk element, but not sure I really want to go there. He's the type who would get off on me getting pozzed and I can actually see him going off his meds to make me poz if I started letting him fuck me on a regular basis.

The other thing is I'm wondering if the fantasy of pozzing a bottom isn't better than the reality. I mean it's one thing to wish you could poz someone and another thing to actually do it. I'm just not sure I'm ready to actually knowingly blow a high viral load in someone (unless I knew they were bug chasing). Then there's the whole issue that the fantasy will be short lived since it probably won't be long until I have to go on meds at which point I'm shooting blanks again.

So I'm really conflicted. Part of me thinks I should just stick to what I'm doing and enjoy the fantasy. The other part of me wants to make the fantasy a reality. Right now I feel like the sensible side of me is winning, but I wonder if in the heat of the moment I'll let a poz guy fuck me and the fantasy will become a reality.

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