Just tested poz..after thoughts and testing process

[fuckboy20]

I've explained the process on here several times. Safer Only>Barebacking with only A FEW guys who claimed to be NEG>Taking supposedly neg loads in clubs and bookstores>taking only undetectable loads>taking all loads>taking a few poz loads>truly taking any and every load but started craving poz loads>positive.

So Saturday I got tested. I was a little scared but did have reason to be tested and have been wanting to for a while. Let's be flat out honest. No on really wants to get tested. Very few people want to or are able to face fact and accept that they might really be poz or neg and have proof of it. I think there are two different processes for testing for AIDS and STD's out there. Anonymous. At events, a clinic, or bath houses where you just take the oral swap or blood and find out in a few minutes if you are prem poz or neg. I chose a more interesting approach without even knowing it. I went to more of a resource counseling testing place. So not only did I do the normal questions about sex partners, sex choices, and the normal but I also had a live person ask the questions and go through it. I'll admit I was scared. I'm sure there are some men here with balls who could say, "I fuck and breed whoever I want" or "I take multiple loads up my ass daily never safe." I had to sheepishly say.."Around 20 sex partners in the last year". That is a lie and a disappointing fact if that's true..which it's not..god dammit. One thing I did notice was a few subtle hints about how I should do it safer. Like, "Oh if you used protection all the time with 20 or more you would be perfectly safe and can enjoy your youth and have more fun." Obviously they are with the times where they admit that condoms for oral is basically never done or stressed. After testing preliminary poz I had to do a finger prick test (hate) and I talked with them about what happens next if it comes back poz and what my options are with no insurance (which sound actually good) and there was a guy there who was poz who I was able to talk to which was nice and made me feel more comfortable. He was cute too and he gave me a little experience about being poz and how he is perfectly happy and healthy. I found it very interesting that what their main goal and approach seems to be is use condoms for safer sex and if you are poz or become poz it's okay and you can be happy and healthy but still use condoms. Before I left they told me to enjoy my weekend and not worry and asked if i wanted condoms. I turned them down saying I'm not going to have sex for a while. They assured me I can have sex using condoms. I told them that I don't wanna have sex with neg guys even with condoms. Don't want to risk it. They were understanding of that.

To be honest..I think I could really be honest about what I am, what I do and have done and I think they would be understanding and maybe be accepting. But I don't have to do that. At the same time..part of me wants there to be some presence of an experienced barebacker and can somehow subtly let people know, "Guys, barebacking is okay and taking raw loads is fun but please be educated about the disease and history and know the risks and make your own choice." Not "Oh well I really think safer is something better that obviously is for everyone". But that's probably some of my sealed off protesting and need to be pro-active with causes (*cough leather*) kicking in.

Now as for the after thoughts. I thought before about just taking lots of loads up my ass and being a cum dump. Well I had two different views. One was being a travelling cumdump taking any loads from men who need relief. And the other is being owned by a top, Sir, or Leatherman and being his boy, bitch, slave, whore and taking his cum, cock, and whatever he gives me and includes being shared with his buds. But after talking to various people, experiencing more, being somewhat of a cumslut (7 loads daily for a while..bending over in sex clubs and taking raw cock and loads in the open) I have sort of realized an ultimatum about cum slut dumps and whores like that. As much fun as it sounds and as hot as it can be money is needed and so is health insurance to take care of any STD's or health concerns that cum with being a cumdump (said cum lol) as well as being poz. And here is the other. The men don't care. If you find a man to pimp and whore you out to his buds there is a chance he might care but a chance he might not care. His buds might be giving you herpes, ghonerra, several strong strains or viral loads and if you become "damaged goods" in the top's eye or no longer functional they might just toss you out and find the next willing slut.

So yes, I do think it's possible to be a tru-ish cum dump slut and take lots of loads up the booty hole from different random men and whore out or have a man whore you out. But either money is needed to make sure you can function and work (or live) or you need to really not give a damn about your future and life and live for nothing but cock. Some can..but I won't.

I thought that if I became poz I would just be able to go to clubs and have guys over and just take every load and cock and be free. But I don't feel trapped or limited right now. I feel like I do have freedom and choice. Maybe if I followed the cum dump road I wouldn't have freedom and choice later on down the road. But I know I'm poz and it's early on so I can take meds (even though no insurance) to control the viral load and I have a chance to take care of my health and even improve my health and body. I have more motivation and reason now. I have to be more careful as well about being sick and not ignoring things my body is telling me. It's not that I'm afraid that if I hook up with random men I'll get STD's or a strain that nulls the meds. I'll still have BB sex. I don't care what doctors or anyone else says I can't go back to condoms. I agree with the pope about condoms being bad

Even though I'll bareback I'll be more selective about who I do it with. I've also experienced by bbing with others in the past that some men have STAMINA. There have been men in the past who actually satisfied me and I have a really good friend who definitely ruins my hole for the rest of the night and sends me home with a smile on my face and cum dripping out my ass while I sleep. He takes care of himself really well too and he's undetectable. That's another thing. I was never against anyone who was poz but I would generally only do it if the guy was hot. I think I'd rather have sex with men who are on meds as well. Reason is they are more likely to take care of themselves if they went through the time and effort to get the meds and obviously care in some ways. Instead of someone who is poz but not on meds and viral load unknown. There is really no reason someone can't be on meds unless their strain is unique to where meds don't work for them. I don't have insurance or lots of money and it sounds like I'll be able to get meds. There might be some that are better and I might get the cheap ones but..better then nothing for the time being.

I guess more then anything to sum this up. Being poz doesn't make me feel like giving up and dying and it doesn't make me want to become a cum slut or whore. Although, I'll probably always have those feelings or desires. I just know enough fact and experience to know it's not feasible for me for the current time/not worth the consequences right now. But I am young too. It could just take a few drinks and a guy to take me home, breed me and have guys do it too or take me to a club. Or it might just take a weekend in p-house to be in a sling or in the glory hole area to go back to being the cum dump I used to be..or was becoming. I am young I won't deny that. But if that happens it will happen and it will be of my choice. But for the time being (and really..when the hell will I be able to travel..been saying that for YEARS NOW) I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Right now. I want to live. I want to have friends, I want to drink, I want to go out and dance and have fun, I want to enjoy myself and who I am, I want to date maybe and have bareback sex still and maybe try topping more too. To be honest, this might not be how everyone feels when they become poz. But this also might apply to me because I like challenges. If live is so damn boring, work, or things are so damn boring I don't give a damn. When challenged I actually do care and get motivated. So therefore my motivation right now is simple.

Live while having a compromised immune system, knowing that I'll be judged for being poz, having to take medications, and having to be careful and listen to my body. I guess this is enough of a challenge to actually start caring about live and wanting to really enjoy living.

Ahh and one more thing. That long list of what I am. Let's add to it shall we! Gay/Into Older Men/Leather/Bareback/Escort/Poz

Wonder if I can get more controversial or taboo. I'll update this if feelings change down the road.

[glen]

I can empathize with you and have similar feelings, I have been officially diagnosed as Hiv poz today and with Primary HIV infection I am told by the doctors I have a prolific phase in viral replication up to one million copies of virus and an acute drop in my CD4 count, now about 375. However, the HIV antibody is negative, because it has not yet had time to develop. They say it usually takes 1-3 months for detectable levels of antibody to HIV to develop. The most common symptoms of PHI I have periodic fever and sweats at night include, enlarged glands, sore throat, and rash. My symptoms generally manifest two to four weeks after exposure to HIV which is about right .The firsttiem I took my first poz load was Feb 15th.Right now I am told I am extremely infectious because of the high viral load and high levels of genital shedding found. I was given a pamphlet that the studies reveal that HIV is highly transmissible by sexual intercourse during PHI even days before the onset of PHI symptoms. The increased risk of HIV transmission during primary infection is significant.

I am told that I have HIV and it means that the virus can be detected in my blood now , but the immune system has not yet started to collapse. AIDS is when the immune system starts to break down. So anybody will go at first through the HIV stage, when the virus can be detected but they are still healthy. How long it is before that that progresses to AIDS depends on the individual and medication. Most AIDS medication available today simmply puts off, sometimes for a very long time, the onset of full-blown AIDS.

They will be prescribing meds for me next week after more tests.

[fuckboy20]

I'm sorry that you are going through that right now. I can say that in December my viral load was very low and CD4 Count was normal. I know this because of someone I played with near the end of december. That being said, if I was more exclusive past then I would have been fine. But since I took 7-9 loads a day several times in January and had lots of random sex it will be interesting to find out my viral load and CD4 Count. As for the fevers, sweating, and sores. I did get a little of that early in march and was sick from work from 3 days. Never had fever blisters in my life and they were a pain. But everything that seemed to attack me did all at once. It would seem like that's when I became poz but I know better and know that I was in december. Well I won't find out the other information until I'm called in.

I wasn't told if I'm undectable yet but they said sometimes that some guys don't even need to take meds at first and some do. It all depends on viral load, c4 cell count, and also how far along it's progressed.

If I want to map things out I got tested last October at pride. I tested negative..and they day before I went to a bareback party. A few guys fucked me but only 2 breed me. I believe I had more bb sex pride weekend too. December I had sex with someone and found out more about that last week. From them I know what my viral load and cell count would be if I'm still how I was in december. But it's march now so 3 months have gone by. I'll admit if I listen to my body I have been more tired lately. But that's because I started working again and it's much more intensive. I don't get as stressed as I did and I work hard but being tired has worried me. Same as the really random flu I got early march. it wasn't so much that it was a flu it's that every aspect of the flu hit me on full strength and that normally doesn't happen. Even when I got sick for a week in December it wasn't as intense as it was a few weeks ago. But as I said before everything is just "speculation" right now. I know no real facts until they call me. But I am able to piece some of it together.

As I said, I'm sorry that you need to be put on meds sooner and that you are going through flu like sicknesses. You sound like you have been going through things that I haven't though and I am so happy that your immune system hasn't broken down yet and there is time to get to it before you become full blown AIDS. I took a bigger gamble being only 23 and immune system still probably developing. But thank you for posting your progress and sharing it. It sounds like we are in a very similar boat. I will post my cell count and viral load as soon as I know it as well. But right now that's the biggest thing on my mind. And I'll admit it makes me a little worried. But it's out of my control right now.