When you're already on tons of mesd (depression, anxiety, pain) and considering BBing

[verycurious]

I must admit that to me it has become a question of having sex or not. I mean, having sex is having raw sex, no condoms and sex with condoms is not even comparable, it does not satisfy me at all and has never. Using condoms is such a turn off I'd rather not have sex. Not having sex is more pleasurable than wrapping it up in nasty smelling latex and fucking water-based lube or whatever. I've had safe sex for so long and lately barebacking with exclusive fuck buddies. So far I'm negative and been reading a lot about how HIV meds work now.

One of the things that's been keeping me from having real sex, raw sex is that I'm already on a lot of medication for depression, anxiety and pain. Honestly, I'd not bug chase but carelessly bareback if my only chronic health concern would be just HIV. I wonder about liver and/or kidney toxicity of HIV meds alone and when taking them along antipsychotics, anti depressive meds, benzos, painkillers, etc. I mean I'm a bad, bad case but I manage very well taking meds and keeping a healthy lifestyle. Now, will becoming positive would be just like when shrinks prescribe... more meds? One takes more and more shit. My lifespan is already short and if I turn 50, if I make it, it is very likely I will develop dementia.

I have never learned how to enjoy sex with condoms, I literally spent all my 20's having horrible, unsatisfying sex until I tried barebacking. So far I've done it with exclusive partners. We get tested and all that. But it's become harder and harder to find a new one and I keep on having awkward sexual encounters in which I use condoms and can never come or I simply go soft. Latex seems to irritate my dick. I used to end up with an irritated dick but when I bareback and it's some saliva or oil based lube my dick is hard as rock, can fuck for a whole night and no pain and well, actual sex?

I have to say I am a total top and one of those who don't even bother with dicks and balls. I don't even give BJs. I eat the ass, spank it and poke it with my thick cut dick and yes, I just read about guys having big dicks being more likely to have unsafe sex. Well, of course! This piece of hot meat does not feel nice when wrapped in plastic. Bottoms agree.

So I'm kind of kooky and fucked up and will take shitloads of meds for the rest of my life:

Should I not give a fuck and have fun or should I have "safe sex" or no sex fearing basically adding medication and not really fearing HIV infection.

I've met so many positive men that look and feel so fine but what about the ones dying and also dying so quickly? Some people don't respond to the meds? Now, I know too about all those HIV denialists who die 80's style by choosing not to take the meds.

Oh well, I just love this forum because it is such a concern to me. I have to repeat I have never enjoyed sex with condoms, I used to hate sex for years, but now that I've gone raw I'm really feeling it.

Thanks for all feedback!