The cattle prod of shame

[CherryHole]

Hang in there buddy, next time anybody says something to hurt you tell them to fuck off from cherry hole in America, well lose cherry hole but keep the rest if you want.

[scotty2]

lol, ok will do.....!

[Deaner]

Y'know, this is an odd place to get advice to post on here, but there was a homily I heard once from my pastor (who also happens to be a family member, so he was talking about the EXACT same people who applied to me).

The jyst was, we inherit a LOT from our parents and from our family. Even after the most formative years, when we become exposed to the rest of the world, our family is still there to modify the input we get from the outside. It's very childish, but essentially human, to really form who we are and the way we think by what our family teaches us.

At some point, though, we become an adult, and it takes the entire rest of our lives to make ourSELVES out of what we've been given. We can accept or deny input from friends and strangers, but we really need to put serious effort into sorting out what we learned from family. Some of it is good and some of it is crap (yes, half the church gasped when he used the word crap, lol). But it's a lifelong effort to separate all our baggage between what we need to keep and what we need to discard (plus a little closet of ideas we shouldn't take seriously, but shouldn't forget about either).

Perhaps, even though your parents' words and actions have 'damaged' you, it seems you've gotten halfway to making the best of them. You watch your health. You embrace in other what some see as flaws. You've developed somewhat of a buffer system to rude or impolite comments from others. You just haven't completely taken out the trash when it comes to applying those concepts to yourself.

I'm not going to say whether your body type is acceptable, because my opinion doesn't matter. And you're not quite sure if I'm being honest or polite. and you may even mistake a compliment to be an insult.

But ignoring your outside, you at least seem to be a good person on the inside. Start with that. Learn to accept compliments as a measure of your inner self without being a judgment of your body. When you can be confident in the person you are, the body you inhabit might not be as much of a factor in what describes you. At the very least, it's a starting point in learning to accept compliments as a positive (and not the back-handed insult you may perceive them to be)

Personally, it took me a LONG time to mentally convert my Mom's "well today at least you don't look like you fell off a boxcar" to mean "hey, you're looking pretty good today". The words still burn, but with a little effort, I can see the good in them, and ignore the hurtful parts of the way the compliment was delivered.

[NastyRigPig]

May I offer you this quote from Marianne Williamson?

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness

That most frightens us.

We ask ourselves

Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small

Does not serve the world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking

So that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine,

As children do.

We were born to make manifest

The glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us;

It's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,

We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we're liberated from our own fear,

Our presence automatically liberates others.

[scotty2]

Yes, this is good advice.....

[Guest JizzDumpWI]

Y'know, this is an odd place to get advice to post on here, but there was a homily I heard once from my pastor (who also happens to be a family member, so he was talking about the EXACT same people who applied to me).

The jyst was, we inherit a LOT from our parents and from our family. Even after the most formative years, when we become exposed to the rest of the world, our family is still there to modify the input we get from the outside. It's very childish, but essentially human, to really form who we are and the way we think by what our family teaches us.

At some point, though, we become an adult, and it takes the entire rest of our lives to make ourSELVES out of what we've been given. We can accept or deny input from friends and strangers, but we really need to put serious effort into sorting out what we learned from family. Some of it is good and some of it is crap (yes, half the church gasped when he used the word crap, lol). But it's a lifelong effort to separate all our baggage between what we need to keep and what we need to discard (plus a little closet of ideas we shouldn't take seriously, but shouldn't forget about either).

Perhaps, even though your parents' words and actions have 'damaged' you, it seems you've gotten halfway to making the best of them. You watch your health. You embrace in other what some see as flaws. You've developed somewhat of a buffer system to rude or impolite comments from others. You just haven't completely taken out the trash when it comes to applying those concepts to yourself.

I'm not going to say whether your body type is acceptable, because my opinion doesn't matter. And you're not quite sure if I'm being honest or polite. and you may even mistake a compliment to be an insult.

But ignoring your outside, you at least seem to be a good person on the inside. Start with that. Learn to accept compliments as a measure of your inner self without being a judgment of your body. When you can be confident in the person you are, the body you inhabit might not be as much of a factor in what describes you. At the very least, it's a starting point in learning to accept compliments as a positive (and not the back-handed insult you may perceive them to be)

Personally, it took me a LONG time to mentally convert my Mom's "well today at least you don't look like you fell off a boxcar" to mean "hey, you're looking pretty good today". The words still burn, but with a little effort, I can see the good in them, and ignore the hurtful parts of the way the compliment was delivered.

Deaner, well done!!!

[Guest JizzDumpWI]

Scotty, you started an interesting thread, thanks for doing that. I agree with Deaner; you already have a lot going for you evidenced by your post. While it is true there is no quick remedy; your situation is that you will work through this as part of your life and you continue to build your own quiver of arrows you can employ as needed. To rude comments; it may be helpful to have at the ready your response. Working out what you can say when you're not in the heat of your own emotional reaction, and then practicing that response will start. I'm not suggesting a snarky response; although if that works for you, fine. Mostly I'm thinking something to have at the ready so that you can say it during those paralyzing moments that got triggered by the rude comment. You're a thoughtful man, so I'm confident you'll work that out in a way that is genuine to yourself.

Glad for joining Breedingzone. I look forward to learning more of your evolution as you post here.

[scotty2]

Scotty, you started an interesting thread, thanks for doing that. I agree with Deaner; you already have a lot going for you evidenced by your post. While it is true there is no quick remedy; your situation is that you will work through this as part of your life and you continue to build your own quiver of arrows you can employ as needed. To rude comments; it may be helpful to have at the ready your response. Working out what you can say when you're not in the heat of your own emotional reaction, and then practicing that response will start. I'm not suggesting a snarky response; although if that works for you, fine. Mostly I'm thinking something to have at the ready so that you can say it during those paralyzing moments that got triggered by the rude comment. You're a thoughtful man, so I'm confident you'll work that out in a way that is genuine to yourself.

Glad for joining Breedingzone. I look forward to learning more of your evolution as you post here.

Yes, that is a good idea. Nearly always a comment is a kind of throw away unthinking kind of comment or unwanted advice or a crass observation and it doensn't happen often but boy, when it does it paralyses me. I know it is mostly in my head but it is tied up with childhood emotional abuse and quite difficult to shake off. I think it is a bit like coming out though, I am taking ownership of my body shape and saying (mostly to myself) "yes, this is wha I look like and it is not shameful. If someone says something like "gosh, do you know how many calories are in bread?" or "I noticed you've put on a bit of weight," what I hear is "You are greedy, you are lazy, you are unable to control your body and you are shameful." If I do end up putting on weight, after a bout of illness or a vaction for example, I actually feel guilt towards others, like I need to justify it to them, In the UK we have a TV programme called "How to Look Naked" and they take a woman who hates her body and make her go on a catwalk and then she cries and has a kind of epiphany.

[bearbandit]

I'm a member of the Long Term Survivors Group in the UK. We have weekend retreats every three months with the option of workshops, alternative therapies, or just time to yourself. My last visit was ruined almost on arrival by someone crassly remarking that the past few months hadn't been kind to me. I was pretty sick and it had been a struggle to get there, but I damn near left on the first evening because of his words. I knew I looked like shit, but I didn't need anyone telling me so. I faced out the weekend because pride in myself wouldn't let me run, but skipped the next one (having told the chair of the group what had happened) on the grounds that it's one hell of a journey from where I live to the venue we use. I feel pretty much compelled to go to the next meeting just to show defiance to that attitude I encountered.

Thank you again Scotty for starting this thread: it's made me (and I guess a lot of other guys) really think about the issues around self image. Things guys have said here I shall certainly be taking into my volunteer work with the local HIV charity...

[scotty2]

I'm a member of the Long Term Survivors Group in the UK. We have weekend retreats every three months with the option of workshops, alternative therapies, or just time to yourself. My last visit was ruined almost on arrival by someone crassly remarking that the past few months hadn't been kind to me. I was pretty sick and it had been a struggle to get there, but I damn near left on the first evening because of his words. I knew I looked like shit, but I didn't need anyone telling me so. I faced out the weekend because pride in myself wouldn't let me run, but skipped the next one (having told the chair of the group what had happened) on the grounds that it's one hell of a journey from where I live to the venue we use. I feel pretty much compelled to go to the next meeting just to show defiance to that attitude I encountered.

Thank you again Scotty for starting this thread: it's made me (and I guess a lot of other guys) really think about the issues around self image. Things guys have said here I shall certainly be taking into my volunteer work with the local HIV charity...

Thanks Bearbandit. It is a very encouraging thread and I am glad I started and glad that you contributed to it. I am aghast at why someone would be so unpleasant and so unsupportive at the retreat you had been on but good that you stayed. I am going to ask about the upper chest stuff at the gym tomorrow if my sinusitis calms down.