Hurting myself unnecessary

[UKSlamPIG]

Fella I promise you this isn't love - it is a type of addiction that manifests not dis-similarly to love and the very night that you experience that spark with someone else you will realise that because as Ms Carey sang "Love takes time to heal when it's hurting so bad" but you will find this heals remarkably quickly because it isn't love. It has made you forget what love feels like but when you feel that spark elsewhere you'll remember and feel so foolish but in a good way because that moment you get the full & final closure.

I can be this confident because I have been there...a few times but each time I got better at spotting it and did what I needed to do for the sake of my sanity that bit sooner.

[UKSlamPIG]

Next time God's gift comments on the aesthetic beauty of one of your bolt holes get your eyebrows up, neck back look him up & down and calmly but dismissively reply "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and is more than skin deep my FRIEND" then flounce off nose to the sky lol

[losttop]

Fella I promise you this isn't love - it is a type of addiction that manifests not dis-similarly to love and the very night that you experience that spark with someone else you will realise that because as Ms Carey sang "Love takes time to heal when it's hurting so bad" but you will find this heals remarkably quickly because it isn't love. It has made you forget what love feels like but when you feel that spark elsewhere you'll remember and feel so foolish but in a good way because that moment you get the full & final closure.

I can be this confident because I have been there...a few times but each time I got better at spotting it and did what I needed to do for the sake of my sanity that bit sooner.

I know it isn't love.... Specially not from his side...I have been in this position few times.... But never so badly like this...think that I'm attracted to his rejection...like I'm not worthy...also miss being with someone...he knows that and probably plays with it...I think he hurts me on purpose.... Why else would be so dismissive to someone who clearly loves u...why else would u allow me to fuck u only quickly.... While u can spend a lot longer time with some old man that u just met...and then turn around and say... I did it because I knew u would be watching...

[NLbear]

Losttop...I think you are in a self destructive mode. Get rid of this guy and get YOU back. Believe in yourself again. I can feel for you , as I am in a similar phase right now. Moved to a new place, no friends, no job, I need to do everything by myself. Sometimes you feel the whole world is against you, but you need to get over that. I am telling myself that (not that it is working right now, but I know it will in time).

[UKSlamPIG]

The fact that he revels in hurting you the fact that he does things to make you jealous and all of the other totally disfunctional things that are going on show that he's as fucked up by it all as you are... If he had no feelings at all for you he wouldn't bother with going to those lengths to affect you.

None of the feelings on yours or his part are positive - he's chipping away at you because he is a nasty and frankly sad queen he's not intelligent enough to be doing all this to systematically dismantle you emotionally that's just what's happening as a consequence of what is quite common in "our world" where jealousy, competitiveness, vanity etc etc etc conspire to create a monster of a relationship.

Your relative behaviours and emotional make-ups were never compatible, even if you had fallen genuinely in love it was doomed so you should go forward not frustrated or with regrets that it hasn't worked because you would never have been happy - do you even remember what happy is? I dont think you do, I think you are so resigned to this shit that you almost believe that this is what happy is or at least as happy as it can be.

When you get the balls to kick this into touch you're going to feel reborn - and although you may think you'll miss being with someone you actually might need some time to recover not from the termination but from the relationship itself. I think you might feel less lonely without him than you do with him.

[losttop]

Really touched by all u guys responses... Some r really deep and make a lot of sense! Thanks for the PMs...really nice and very helpful...I'm not at happy place right now... It's true .... In self destructive mode...like nothing matters.... I used to be this self confident no bs kind of guy...very cocksure and with great sexual energy...nowadays it's mostly about pleasing him and trying to make him feel happy for a kind word...always ready to share my guy with others...but soon after few months he didn't want to do group thing with me.... While I knew he would do it with others.... I don't mind him playing with others...as long as he also plays with me.... Is that so wrong!? He just broke me quite a bit.... And I can't even be angry with him about that as I allowed it to happen. Have been drinking a lot lately....making myself look even more of a fool...wouldn't even know how happy feels like.. Just feel death and numb inside...

[barehole4use]

You should send him off to his so called better life & enjoy the life you have, Life is too short to be wasting it on a guy that obviously does not return any affection back to you. Dump him pronto!

[losttop]

This morning it happened.... He left to go back home after yet another terrible fight.... Yesterday we went to the baths and he decided to let multiple guys fuck and seed him while I was there with him. With me he didn't want to do anything. To add insult to injury, he let this old ugly guy fuck him.... When I asked him about it.... He said he did it as he knew I was watching... Tonight we went out to another sexclub where he didn't want to do anything with me... After the necessary drinks and it getting kind of late ... I asked if he wanted to go home.... He pointed to some guy and he said I want him...in the end we left and it was then that I confronted him with his behavior.... He said we had spend more than 2 weeks together and that I was always creating drama...sad that he left but kind of relieved that he did. He called me an asshole which is fine.... He said he wasn't my personal whore...which is kind of ironic after being fucked by bunch of guys.... But whatever...

[UKSlamPIG]

Where are you guys right now? Or rather where are you and where has he gone back home to?

[losttop]

I'm at home... He packed up his things and left for the US.... He blamed everything on me... I treated him like my personal whore and I was an inconsiderate asshole.... Insulting that he could say that.... While day before he was loaded up by few guys and I mistreated him!? He got on plane back to US on my costs again...he listened to music while packing, showed me poems... Care for him.... But there is something seriously wrong with him.

[barehole4use]

Good for you that this asshole is out of your life & name calling after the fact should tell you enough about his immaturity.

[UKSlamPIG]

Has this type of "tantrum" happened before? Whilst it is good that you have a fairly substantial body of water separating you this is far from the closure that you need in order to have this burden lifted from you emotionally once & for all.

Besides possibly an acknowledgement that he has got home safely you absolutely shouldn't engage in any further dialogue on any medium until you have let the vast amounts of dust settle in your mind and are able to see this whole thing for what it is. Take personal responsibility for anything that you should have done differently which have contributed to your suffering, learn from them & forgive yourself for them. Don't rake over his actions, feelings or behaviours you can or could do nothing about any of that so it is totally futile wasting time and emotional energy on it.

Among the ruins is a VERY positive fact... The fact that you have & forgive my French fucked yourself up so royaly over this is proof beyond any doubt that you still have the depth to love for real and enjoy a high and a sense of security which is sadly well beyond the capabilities of so many. Sure, without that you wouldn't be hurting right now and possibly you'll hurt like this again but it will be well worth it when you find yourself with an ear to ear grin when you wake up one morning next to a great snoring cumdump who feels for you exactly what you feel for him.

[losttop]

Of course im sad about the fact that he left....but I'm also relieved.... Like u said, will just make sure that he arrived safely. No won't engage in anything more... We failed as BF... We failed as FWB ...and more importantly we failed as friends! I wasn't asking for much.... I respected him, paid for everything... All I wanted was a bit of affection and sex... Don't think that's too much to ask... It was not like he was at this place in life where he didn't want to have sex with anyone.... I would have respected that.... No ... He just didn't want to have sex with me.... Think he was trying to punish me for when we were in relationship. He expected me to leave him alone but leave him with sufficient money... So he could go and do his thing...that's not caring for someone.... That is BS! I'm sure I will find someone that is on same page as me.... Someone who can be a pig but also has a romantic side to him... Think he realizes that what he was doing was not right and that's why he left...he told me I deserved better... Well no arguments there!

[UKSlamPIG]

You will never know what went through his mind or exactly why he did or said anything so stop muddying your mind any further with the wondering and assumptions.

I think you need to think only about yourself now, it seems as though your generosity began in the best of faith but the moment it clicked over to expecting sex in return the generosity has turned toxic for you more than for him. You are doing yourself a massive disservice if you effectively buy sex from someone who resents it like that - most escorts are very happy to oblige and as you have said you can get plenty of ass without needing to pay anyway. Like I have said a few times he was a habit, an addiction, the devil you knew that you assumed was better than the many you as yet do not.

At least you realise that you deserve better - you are free now to explore and find that better but do so openminded and try not to let the past scar your future. Trust your instincts and what you see when you look into someone's eyes... eyes don't lie, someone who avoids eye contact has something to hide.

[NLbear]

Good luck Losttop. I am sure there are plenty of guys who are more than willing to bend over for you without creating such emotional havoc. And maybe one of those develops into the type of relationship you are looking for. Who knows?