Young Dad Seeks to Learn

[Candlewood]

I'm a 27 year old male living in the NY Metro area. I'm a little stocky, still long and thick, neg, pissing out two holes because my PA upset my ex-fiance's hole when I fucked him and upset his throat worse. I'm socially a little awkward, but I've learned to mimic enough that I seem alright to most that listen.

I've graduated a few students, so far. I've cultivated the interest and dependence of submissive boys, and I've lost them. I've looked back on my care of them with regret and self-judgment. I've tried to address the knowledge of my past mistakes by forgiving myself, and second-guessing whether I learned enough not to be a liability to those I'd rather help.

I'm neg, and not chasing. I'm jealous of poz guys. I want to be a dad--but I can't unless I accept that the DNA I'm contributing is mixed with some donor, not my partner. I got hot as fuck thinking I may have infected an old friend with herpes.

I've grown up as a kid with a family that lived in the city they grew up in, and that's how big the world was. I forced myself out of home and grew into the country. I've now found myself in NYC seeing the world unfolded before me, between nations--expanding everything I knew into an even bigger place than I have been before.

I've done my best to be close to big brothers and daddies, and I outgrow them . . . arrogant as that may seem. I'm as eager to find 'the next daddy' to lead me up as I am to be cut down by somebody who understands why I haven't outgrown my daddy in the slightest--why I'm arrogantly disregarding his advice because it suits me.

I cast my eyes with cautious reverence to RawTop, and I just think a lot about how this is a place where I should be expressing these kind of thoughts.

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