THE MAN WHO POZZED ME in 1994, JULY, PENNSYLVANIA. ONEIDA CAMPGROUND.

[rawbottom1963]

I was reckless. 31 years old, nearly 32. I never thought I'd live past the age of Jesus (33). I didn't know his name. He was drunk, and I might have been a little tipsy, after he offered me a beer at about 3 AM. We were in this campground, a dark place, and he was lying on a chaise longue, nude. A sexy scene -my "thing." I was trolling the "park." Most guys went to bed, at his sleepy campground. Me, I was going to find action. At 31, that would always be easy. I was not gorgeous: but very sexy. So there he was, and erect at that: I went to work - no words spoken. I know I sat on it, right there in view of all the other possible lookers-on. [i suppose I had hoped for this.] He invited me to his tiny trailer, or caravan as the Brits would call it. In bed, I had my legs pinned to the ceiling, which was very comfortable for us both. A good, strong fuck by an energetic man of about 35. Mid-fuck, he stops. "There's something I have to tell you..." I knew by the tone. [not tone-deaf.] "It's too late now, I want you." And I think he might have added a 10% thrill-premium to our fuck via this dangerous knowledge. That sort of thing was not openly thought about: sexy AIDS?

It was 1994, and I recently tested negative. Always an event & ordeal to get tested. The man had pozzed me up, and we had a nice evening. Next morning, late, I sat on a picnic table. He came up to me, asked if I was all right. I said, "sure." I was kind. No anger. No excitement. I was a little tired: a big drive for me, back to Westchester County, NY (at the time). No excessive ruminating. I think we shook hands. I did not think about it much, since I did not know he pozzed me up for certain. And I really cannot know for certain, not without DNA tests or genotyping. In 1994, you went on hunches.

But I was busy with my music. So I did not get out much [no fucks, just BJs] until I went to Baltimore for a visit in the mid-winter. I think I had one cold in October, nothing special. But in Baltimore, at my dear friend's house, I got very sick. I thought it was the chili fries I ate, earlier. But no, this was a flu. I made no connections. I took the train back to NYC, and spent one night at the YMCA, on 23rd St. My custom in those days was to stay in a hotel "for me" [the inveterate sex-wreck] after a visit to anyone. I had a little sex - I mean it was a "Y" - if I didn't have sex I'd be ashamed. I remember my room cost $28, because I needed no TV. A certain black man was my goal (I am white). He had all the right energy. He was a tenant. I like hotel trade. So I gave him a fine blowjob. That's all he really wanted. In those days, fucking really wasn't passionately sought out in casual places, anymore. And unprotected, it was an advert. for being positive - and that was NEVER sexy, before meds. Not when you were "it." He remarked, "Damn, your mouth is so hot!" He was not simply praising my skills, which I still think are considerable. No, he meant my temperature. He felt my forehead. I was feeling a little sick, but I like making guys feel good. A fever on a dick can feel especially good for the top. A low-grade fever is something I often enough have: making me probably a little more of a pleasant surprise, these days.

In May '95, I had my test, at a dermatology clinic on Central Park South. The ELISA & Western Blot. One done in office, the other sent out. You had the 2nd if the 1st tested positive. Each were expensive. In those days, you had to pay for swiftness. Positive. I walked to a telephone, and rang my boyfriend (who would become my Domestic Partner to get me health insurance). I cried into the phone: little sobs. I did not care who saw me. A brief call. All the men, and a few women who must have called from that damned pay-phone on Central Park South & 7th Ave. AIDS germs on the receiver! If the public only knew!

My "rite of passage" was to take a train to Christopher Street, walk over to Bailey House, a hospice for the dying (at that time), and introduce myself to the first man I saw standing in front of it. Oh, and I stopped at Boots & Saddle to fill my gullet with beer. Four beers would waste me. He said, "Welcome to the club." And he stood there, looking at the West Side Highway, dull as a sheep's afternoon in the pasture. I realized that I had not won any sympathy. No surrounding arms [not yet]. HIV was not a big deal. You were dumb to get it in 1994. I felt stupid - why were my hormones so out of control? I did no drugs. I was not a drunk. Years later, 2000, I would be diagnosed Bipolar. And later, Borderline. I knew something had to be wrong with my head. [way wrong, it would turn out...]

I wonder if my POZZER is still living. We always think that about sex-wreck gay men of years gone by. "Is so-and-so still alive?" It was so fucking glamourous that I joined a big clinic in the middle of the epidemic: Peter Crueger at Beth Israel. A zoo for the out-of-control, the poor: I had joined the loser's gallery. 4-hour waits. Still, I do not fault my POZZER. He was drunk, and I approached him. If I knew he was POZ? I would have sucked him off: that's all.

Edited April 6, 2011 by Hotload84

[rawTOP]

Sounds like you're saying your fuck flu was months after infection. I didn't think it worked that way... Thought fuck flu came 2-4 weeks after infection (if at all)...

A lot of people attribute getting pozzed to the risk they take with unprotected sex and forget about the risk of "safe sex". Using a condom reduces the risk 10 to 20 times, which means 10 to 20 fucks with a condom = 1 raw fuck. So if you only went raw once that year then it's more likely you got HIV when you had safe sex all the other times. Which means all those years of guilt were pointless - even if you hadn't barebacked that night you could still be poz... You don't even know the guy who fucked you at Oneida was poz. Personally I'd ask who you had sex with 2-4 weeks before you got the flu. Then again, it could have just been the regular flu.

[rawbottom1963]

Sounds like you're saying your fuck flu was months after infection. I didn't think it worked that way... Thought fuck flu came 2-4 weeks after infection (if at all)...

A lot of people attribute getting pozzed to the risk they take with unprotected sex and forget about the risk of "safe sex". Using a condom reduces the risk 10 to 20 times, which means 10 to 20 fucks with a condom = 1 raw fuck. So if you only went raw once that year then it's more likely you got HIV when you had safe sex all the other times. Which means all those years of guilt were pointless - even if you hadn't barebacked that night you could still be poz... You don't even know the guy who fucked you at Oneida was poz. Personally I'd ask who you had sex with 2-4 weeks before you got the flu. Then again, it could have just been the regular flu.

Sorry, RawTop: I must have not made my story clear. The guy said, "I have something to tell you." "I have HIV."

At that moment, I had to make an important decision. And at 3 AM at a sexy campground, I (and most men) don't make wise-mind decisions.

About your statistical skills: Each Man is an N=1. "An n of 1." That means that the "x %" likelihood of HIV transmission is O% if you didn't get it, and 100% if you did. Statistics are for public health watchdogs, sociologists, and various other interested communities.

To base your sexual life choices, or others' on someone else's stastical data is reckless, or at least thoughtless. Thoughtless for yourself. Thoughtless for the unwitting [un-knowing] partner.

Your chances of chlamydia infection have statistical sets, too. But you did not think about such data, because getting Chlamydia is NOT sexy. And not treating the infection is even NOT SEXIER.

About the FLU. The CDC established guidelines that are easily accessed. http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/topics/testing/resources/qa/index.htm

I was potentially infected in July 1994. I had a major FLU (not with rhinitis or the usual influenza symptoms in February, perhaps January). Some get flu, some don't. I did. And perhaps 2 times (October and February being my sick times in 1994).

Perhaps Mr. X did not infect me. It is likely, however. The "window period" was established at the time, in 1994 at from 3-6 months, with some cases taking longer to test positive. I had my annual test in May - I was already sick: CD4 already 150 (14%). And I did not improve much in the entire year that followed. [the "window period" retains its time-range. Better tests are available, however, for quicker detection.]

And them, my odyssey with herbal remedies cost me over $300 per month. Maybe it helped me stay alive, but there was no actual improvement. I learned a great deal, however. And what I learned, I am happy to share with any person who is interested in knowing what it feels like over many years, living with HIV-AIDS. It's a real mixed-picture. Sometimes it was a blast, being reckelss with other POZ guys.

I never showed anger [and don't feel any, indeed] towards the man who fucked me raw, knowing he was very POZ. [un-medicated: VL unknown, the test was not available]

*** I know that this is a blog for positive feelings about getting POZZED UP. The fantasy is as ripe as the jailhouse fantasy. Dangerous & erotic. I hope my mixed-emotion posts are not entirely unwelcome. If so, simply ban me from the system. I'll understand - sort of. peace

[rawTOP]

About your statistical skills: Each Man is an N=1. "An n of 1." That means that the "x %" likelihood of HIV transmission is O% if you didn't get it, and 100% if you did. Statistics are for public health watchdogs, sociologists, and various other interested communities.

To base your sexual life choices, or others' on someone else's stastical data is reckless, or at least thoughtless. Thoughtless for yourself. Thoughtless for the unwitting [un-knowing] partner.

That's not how it works (I used to teach statistics). Looking back at the risks you took you can basically plug in the numbers and figure out what was the most likely cause of infection. We're talking about all the sex you had the year between your negative test and your positive test. The fact that the guy was indeed poz just means you pick a different risk factor for that incident. I still say it was unlikely you were infected at that time. Yes, you may not test poz for 3-6 months, but you don't get fuck flu 6 months later. It just doesn't happen.

[rawbottom1963]

At least this is posted in FICTION.

And I will agree with you about the flu-incident as possibly not being the time of transmission. The flu I had might have been a general infection: this caused/not caused by HIV.

Since I've chosen to parse ideas, I need to reiterate that my first sickness after exposure was in October 1994, which was at 3 months post-exposure. The illness was not memorable, but there was a fever.

The flu I called my "POZ FLU" felt much more mysterious.

I don't see the editing options for my own posts, after they are posted. I'd nix the entire tale - even though I believe this is my narrative. My sex life was not active in that year, because I was so busy [and I suppose, maturing somewhat: no - I did not mature].

Knowing fully that I am here to be a thorn in your side, presenting ironic stories that turn out to be the opposite of "sexy AIDS" & "sexy chems," I feel like I'm pissing to the wind on a very marginal website.

Your motivations for presenting a forum that validates life-shortening behavior are mixed-up, at best. [what if our bug-chaser was a sex tourist you met while in Sub-Saharan Africa?]

I know you want to make it in porn, and this is the accompaniment. Blogs ought to be free-speech, here in USA. Overt pickups, which encourage thoughtless other overt pickups - that's morally bankrupt.

As a statitician, of all people, you know very well what the implications of increasing HIV+ cases means: Paraiah Status part II

The new age of AIDS, "AIDS by election," (by volition) means that you play, and the common weal pays. And you get a big laugh of it, overtly, on the Internet.

I may be wrong, but I saw your HIV status on BBRT listed as "Negative."

If that is true, you are off-mark guessing what the life of a man with HIV-AIDS is really like. You may get to hear about the conversion parties (wow, a party: how long do we savor parties?) to HIV+ status: and you may encourage more of them to take place.

You may also be a professional posing as "merely" a sex-wreck, when in truth you are collecting data (or hope to, as you site grows). Data are salable.

Thanks for this opportunity to come into your forum and expressive my anger & sadness, openly and by stealth. I am not angry with anyone in particular, besides myself, a bit.

I knew the risks, my personality is set at "impulsive:" I behaved selfishly and contracted HIV. I did not consider my mother/father, my partner, my friends (one who burst into tears over me, once, to the point of startling me). I did not know my future in 2000, when I went on SS Disability for manic-depression, and the rest of the mix. The government that pays for my sickness (and I am really grateful that this happened - before the 1960s, this could not have happened [no safety net]) and most of my rent, and food - the works is remarkable. My higher praise goes to NYC health policy, which is untenably generous.

Every HIV infected person is guranteed housing. Not true, most places. But have you seen this housing? I cycled through some filthy, and decidedly NOT sexy drug & rat-infested hell holes.

We each have a point of view. You are clear in yours, but I wonder if one day, you will grow to regret what you have done. See, I am glad I voted Democrat in all the elections; I don't have to feel rotten about Bush policies, which still foul the political air.

You are in a caucus, or a select club of the marginal (some highly educated, and I posit perhaps a bit emotionally disabled). This club is extreme, and breaks off into various Backrooms.

It's like the Mineshaft or the Anvil publishing the minutes of their happenings, for all the world to access. And to turn on you, as the Westboro Baptist Church does incessantly.

Being the aware man that you are, you do know that people are paid all day long to scour the Internet, looking for stories like these. Support for policies that lean to the Right. Gay with AIDS is not a savory dish, to the average American. Add that to party drugs and conversion parties - now what do you think comes next, statistically?

Is this the Fall of the Empire, or the Weimar Rebuplic?

I apologize in my heart for the many times I behave exceedingly selfishly. [drug use involves someone being exploited, for instance]

You don't want me here, and I am wasting my time. I wanted you to read this as an extension of my conversion story, because the story never ends at the point of infection. Life's hard enough without having to try to talk men out of severe self-destructive behaviors.

Personally, as a man who has attempted suicide enough times to know how hard it is, I understand the underlying psychological reasons: the complexity is as fascinating as it is deep.

If it were melody, if would be plaintive, unaccompanied. So sad that men who almost have what Ellen Degeneres has, the approval of a clear majority, unwittingly will reverse public opinion on every matter that touches gays/lesbians and the whole family [LGBT].

Thanks for bringing these thoughts more clearly to my mind. Upfront.

The hurt subsides, but converting to HIV is like some sort of loss: that loss has to be grieved, over years. And then you die.

I know men who have made lemonade out of their illnesses. All of them are sober, spirited, and self-preserving. And they care about their fellow man.

I know you cannot keep this here, anymore than you would want it here.

So erase me from your database, and that will be the end of me. ...s

The mentally ill, the low of IQ, the desperate, the suicidal, the high on chemicals: these are some groups who have no protection from HIV if they cannot work out an intelligent scheme for enjoying a sex life.

[rawTOP]

How much of your difficulty has to do with being HIV positive, and how much has to do with psychological issues, and how much of it is due to drug use? You have a particularly difficult combination of issues to deal with. Most people don't have the same difficulties you have. I have a lot of poz friends. I know a fair amount about their lives. So while I'm not poz (as far as I know), I don't think my perspective is too far off base.

I'm all for discussion. I think people should think about their sex lives and make informed decisions. At the same time when I see someone saying they got fuck flu 6 months after getting fucked, or they only got barebacked once and became poz - I'm going to challenge that because it doesn't match what we know, scientifically about HIV.

And no, I'm not selling data off the site. Porn site memberships, yes. Data, no.

And to be clear - you're welcome here.

[rawbottom1963]

How much of your difficulty has to do with being HIV positive [Answer: a great deal.], and how much has to do with psychological issues [Answer: an even greater deal], and how much of it is due to drug use [Answer: negligible.]? You have a particularly difficult combination of issues to deal with. Most people don't have the same difficulties you have. [Reply: many men & women have it tougher/more complex than I have it.] I have a lot of poz friends [Reply: good. thanks. me, too (more on that following)]. I know a fair amount about their lives. [Reply: I trust that you do know a "fair amount."] So while I'm not poz (as far as I know), I don't think my perspective is too far off base. [Reply: your perspective is off-base in one way: if your perspective leads/contributes to men getting hurt, you are not a successful ball player.]

I'm all for discussion. I think people should think about their sex lives and make informed decisions. [Reply: young men are not good at informed sex-decisions, and we have the HIV+ data to prove it. So, I am all for discussion, too. We aren't actual opponents, but our goals differ. I am all for fantasy, for instance. Teach fantasy.] At the same time when I see someone saying they got fuck flu 6 months after getting fucked, or they only got barebacked once and became poz - I'm going to challenge that because it doesn't match what we know, scientifically about HIV. [Reply: Oh sure, I was BB'd enough. The possibility must exist that I am wrong. In fact, it's easier to just say,"I am wrong."

I'm cannot speak with medical authority on sero-conversion.

I am not ALL that different from hundreds of thousands of gay men. I'm a classical musician: that narrows me. I have mood swings, controlled by mild medication. That's not unusual in today's world. It was unusual in the 80s/90s, before I was diagnosed.

I so wish that I knew that I was more impulsive, more self-destructive, more of a wild-seed than the average horned up park & public toilet slut. More than average: key. There were no averages to read about years ago. "Tearoom Trade" was Lord Humphries' way of doing "participant-observation" research... We learned in the Ramble: mostly how to dodge cops. No one noticed that I was more tearoom-prone than the next bloke.

I was very poor as a student. I got my HIV on the cheap. "Cheap Thrills." The Voice did not tell the entire truth about how to amuse oneself on weekends, under $5.

I hope that some man reads this: some man who is HIV negative, and is thinking seriously about welcoming "HIV The Illness" into his life - as a choice. I want to convey my concern, even as I am a little envious of the bright future he has as a "neggie."

My complications are chiefly medical. Hepatitis is the chief danger: I live in fear of it coming back. I mean B, not C.

Another thread is now in order:

"The Years and Years After Infection."

I will not write a word about "after" until it is asked for. Pissing in the wind is not my sport.

Peace to you. You're negative, and I respect you more for that. Fuck 'em all, all those chemmed up sluts. I don't care, really. If I thought I qualified, I'd be in line, too. I am sylvester: and in the final, a person who is not a trifle.

And no, I'm not selling data off the site. Porn site memberships, yes. Data, no. [good luck in your business endeavor. I have like your sites - nicely laid out.]

And to be clear - you're welcome here.

... that is very hard to believe. Not from you - from the others. I'm a killjoy. Someday, I'm going to really tell people how I got AIDS.

I thought I was an unattractive young man. [it turns out that I was not.] That is how it started.

Even as I am happy or fun, or even a sex pig, that judgment never lets-up. Because, as HIV positive men will tell you [if they can stand to say it], after 10-15 years HIV can REALLY make you misproportioned. Or ugly. It's very hard to ignore that perception, at the end of the long day. In the mirror: eye to eye. Sunken cheeks and that odd "monkeyness."

I challenge anyone. Each HIV+ person walks in her/his own shoes. No 2 stories alike. No way to say, "I can empathize." Not even close to fully. HIV ends up spilling into everything. "AIDS blood!" I shout, if I cut my finger, nick my shin, or have blood drawn. It's a joke with my weekend pals, who are all negative. Not a joke for me: not always. [confer: laughing on the outside/mental illness/obesity, etc.]

Who watched dear Sasha die over those interminable years? My Bob: how he suffers, now for at least 2 years: the severe pain: his crumbling spine. Sasha kept a profile on Adam4Adam until very late. He was really hard to look at "that way." under 100 pounds.

You wanna fuck that, men?

And don't any of you say, "That won't happen to me," cuz only a damned fool would think such child-dreams. Someone has to get really sick.

Learn about barebacking. The whole story: before/after. Long after. Long, long after.

Anyone who is willing to give up a decade of good life for a fun fuck fantasy is in some sort of psychic trouble. And this site ought to link to some mental heatlh sites.

Take care of ourselves. peace to all.

A day in the dining room at GMHC will clear up any glamour fantasies men might have about choosing to sero-convert. They accept visitors. Stand outside, if courage fails you.

peace

[HogBear]

I see the earlier poster is banned and I can see why.

I lived with a poz guy and yes watched him die, that was a long time ago. my experiences have been very different because I am a diferent person.

but for the record I had no noticable "fuck flu" so I would not count that as a marker of wether you got infected, just as a point of view.