Accepting The Fact That I've Probably Become Infected

[concerned1]

I just joined this forum after stumbling upon it and I am glad I did, because I feel I am here among people very much "in the know" when it comes to HIV.

 

I am someone who has always played safer sex only , up until only very recently. I am a strict top, I have bottomed only on a few occassions (maybe 5 times, and always protected, that is the other guys always wore condoms) and have topped a few times also protected. However, as I say, very recently I have had what I call high risk encounters and I am mostly likely HIV positive as a result.

 

I was in a sauna, and couldn't get hard during this particular occassion for some reason, I tried topping this guy but it just wasn't happening, so I took the condom off and we didn't have another one. I was rubbing (frotting) my cock on his hole, and it felt good for both of us, so he asked me if I am "clean" which I understood what he meant - to this point I'd always only had safer/protected sex with condoms so I said yes, and so he said well just do it....so I put it in him and I did BB with him until I cummed (which did not take long, the BB took place for about 2-3 minutes, definitely no more than 5 ....I think 5 would be a huge exageration, I am pretty sure it was about 2, say).

 

After this experience I was so dissapointed with myself, as I had always played safe. So, a few months later, I won't go into details...but the memory of how pleasurable that experience felt led me to doing BB again with someone else....yet again, this was extremely brief (again less than 5 mins).

 

Roll on a few more weeks, and another experience....the BB only lasted a few seconds.

 

Some time after this, another experience....not sure how long, but definitely no more than a couple minutes (I'm a premature ejaculator). I was top.

 

THEN recently I had BB again and this time it was for a longer period (about 15 or 20 minutes...at least that's how long it felt). Again, I was top.

 

Then a few weeks ago I went inside someone BB but I didn't even thrust, the hole was so tight and it felt so good, that I didn't need to do any pumping....this may sound unbelievable , but trust me, I went inside him and pushed as far into him as I could without pumping and within only 1 or 2 seconds of going in, I swear that I cummed. Yes, literally without thrusting and straight away after going in.

 

I also briefly inserted ("dipped") another guy on the same day.

 

I accept that these are all high risk experiences and that one or perhaps more than one of these encounters has ended me up with the virus. It would be an EXTREME stroke of luck not to be positive after all this. I concede the fact it's harder to transmit from bottom to top, HOWEVER that said, the number of occassions and the fact I didn't take PEP or PrEP/ whatever, I accept I am most likely positive. WHat should I do now? Only go with guys who want BB from now on? Or should I cover-up my cock until I get my Positive result from a test, in order to protect other guys?

 

Also, I asked on another website (I won't mention it here, it's a HIV website with forums for positive people living with the virus) about this and they just kept telling me to play safe, well what's the point, if I can enjoy BB with other guys who WANT to do it also...accepting that I am almost definitely poz and perhaps most of them are too...but on that website they told me HIV is, contrary to popular belief, very difficult to transmit (and I quote) "even in the most ideal of circumstances....that is, high viral load undiagnosed top to negative bottom with ejaculation"....and that I should chill out first and just go for a test. I told them no point , as even IF the risk PER EXPOSURE is extremely low....the amount of times I have done BB raises that risk and goes against me....I accept I am already poz, they told me to stop and shut up, so I thought these people are crazy. Maybe they are afraid to accept reality. I mean, if HIV was in actual reality THAT HARD to transmit, then why on earth in the 1980s and early 1990s were so, so, soooooo many gay and bi-sexual men falling dead with the virus? Hard to transmit, YEAH RIGHT. DON'T THINK SO.

 

ANYWAY, they couldn't help me, because they didn't WANT to....but you guys can. All I want help with is this: should I or should I not continue to just have BB sex from now on accepting my (most likely) positive status OR should I only do safer sex to protect others who are mostly likely negative?

 

Should I just do what I want?

 

I have decided not to have anal sex in the meantime. I just do not want to infect others. That's my main fear of continuing to do BB is that I might pass on this virus to others.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[fillmyholeftl]

IMHO... I disagree and will say you more likely are NOT positive... You did little or NO Thrusting, so minimal risk being a TOP in the circumstances you have described.. If you don't want to be infected... GO ON PrEP...

[757neg4poz]

I know it sounds paradoxical but undetectable poz guys are safer than your random supposedly neg guy. I know this is utterly verboten to speak of on this site, but if you can't handle the possibility of becoming poz, don't bareback with casual partners and use condoms until you get on PrEP.

Edited October 21, 2015 by bethmygibbons

[concerned1]

I accept the odds are not in my favour at all, I know I am most likely if not inevitably positive - despite being exclusive top in all BB situations I have done (I know of many positive guys who got infected being the top on only one or a couple of occassions....so the odds for me are dire)....I'm already going through the accepting phase of my new virus, what I want to know is not whether I'm infected or not because I am (or at least most likely am)....I want to know whether I should continue to BB (by attempting to sero-sort or whatever) or should I just use condoms from now on, should I just do whatever I feel like doing on the occassion?

You can feel free to Private Message me instead of adding to this thread .

[barehole4use]

I would do what feels better & what makes you feel better

[757neg4poz]

I accept the odds are not in my favour at all, I know I am most likely if not inevitably positive - despite being exclusive top in all BB situations I have done (I know of many positive guys who got infected being the top on only one or a couple of occassions....so the odds for me are dire)....I'm already going through the accepting phase of my new virus, what I want to know is not whether I'm infected or not because I am (or at least most likely am)....I want to know whether I should continue to BB (by attempting to sero-sort or whatever) or should I just use condoms from now on, should I just do whatever I feel like doing on the occassion?

You can feel free to Private Message me instead of adding to this thread .

If you wish to serosort, I'd hookup with undetectable poz guys.

[concerned1]

Where can I find fellow poz guys who are undetectable?

[757neg4poz]

Where can I find fellow poz guys who are undetectable?

Try BBRT and you should be able to filter the search by HIV status. Also, I would be hesitant calling yourself poz now before an official test result.

Edited October 21, 2015 by bethmygibbons

[concerned1]

Also, I would be hesitant calling yourself poz now before an official test result.

 With all do respect (and honestly, you seem nice and have been kind enough to respond to my thread) may I say, "come on man, get real"? ! I've BB'd 7/8 times....in the absence of PEP afterwards or PrEP beforehand....to have avoided infection would be almost impossible.

Thanks for the serosorting info. But may I ask, what is BBRT?

[concerned1]

if anyone is in the UK, and positive and undetectable , please private message me! Thanks

[757neg4poz]

 With all do respect (and honestly, you seem nice and have been kind enough to respond to my thread) may I say, "come on man, get real"? ! I've BB'd 7/8 times....in the absence of PEP afterwards or PrEP beforehand....to have avoided infection would be almost impossible.

Thanks for the serosorting info. But may I ask, what is BBRT?

Barebackrt.com (BBRT) is a reliable site for finding bareback encounters. Also, the reason I would be hesitant about declaring yourself poz too readily is that there are HIV criminalisation laws out there and you could be in for a legal nightmare.

[concerned1]

Oh no worries. It's good you've accepted the scientific facts! Once my positive result is confirmed, then and only then will I commence to serosort with other positive guys who are willing to enjoy BB.

 

I also will not have any sex now (BB or otherwise) until I have tested AND the results come back.

 

Also, can someone please just tell me I'm right that I am most likely the result will come back positive? Please give me some encouragment. It will be good to accept it and finally be able to get positive undetectable positive guys to BB with.

Edited October 21, 2015 by concerned1

[fillmyholeftl]

nobody's going to tell you that you're right, because you AREN'T right.... start to bottom and you'll more likely get IT...

 

This is CRAZY

[concerned1]

Fillmyhole, even in the unlikely event I test negative (yes unlikely, no matter what you say....nobody can BB this amount of times without PREP or PEP or without testing and remain neg...it seems you just want to ruin?), will there be positive guys (undetectable) who will be willing to allow me to have fun with them???

Fillmyhole it's a shame your in the USA, as your pic is (despite not showing a face) rather sexy.

Edited October 21, 2015 by concerned1

[fillmyholeftl]

the unlikely event is that you would test positive at this point...(not because of window period) but because you really had pretty LOW RISK activity