Fun Guy

[Toon]

(early 1990's)

I liked college a lot even though I worked like a dog just to get by. I was on a work study program...where they pay a part of your tuition if you work on campus part-time. I got a job in one of the science buildings where my job was to feed and clean up after salamanders. It sounds odd, but I guess they were being studied for something. Salamanders are a little creepy, but harmless. And smelly. I was a in art school with plans to major in photography. I thought artists were an eccentric bunch, but they were downright normal compared to most science majors. I met all sorts of characters. My boss gave me all kinds of crazy hours based on what he thought the salamanders wanted. I guess they communicated with him somehow. I'd go in at night and sit by the tanks and read or do homework. Occasionally, I'd wander around. I knew what floor the human cadavers were on and I never even ventured close to that area. Sometimes I'd see other bored workers and chat with them. I ran into Kenny one night. He was a graduate student with a special interest in fungus. Yes. Fungus. He wanted to be a mycologist. What kid would ever want to grow up and study fungi for a living? If you ever saw Kenny, you'd know the kind of kid. 

He was tall, extremely skinny and so pale you could almost see through him. We often ran into each other in the one room where smoking was allowed. We talked often even though we shared no common interests. I'd talk about art and photography (which he knew nothing about), and he'd talk about mold (which I didn't want to know anything about). He had a sense of humor, though, and could laugh about himself and what a dork he was. He wasn't bad looking despite his reed-like physique and thick glasses. He had a warmth that the specimens he studied lacked. I liked him. As we got to know each other, our discussions got more candid. We admitted to each other we were gay. I didn't have any experience, but he'd had plenty. I guess the surprise on my face was way too apparent.

"What? You think only little curies like you get opportunities for sex?"

"Um. No..I just. I mean..."

"I go to the city (about 40 miles away) and hit the bath house. You don't get judged so much in places like that. Plus it's dark. I've always liked darkness."

"Like a mushroom."

"Exactly! I relate to them."

I wanted to know more about what he did in the city, but didn't know what exactly to ask. I thought places like that had been closed down after the AIDS epidemic started. But he was a scientist so I figured he knew all about health and disease.

"Well, I gotta go check on my creatures. Have a good weekend if I don't see you before then."

"Wait. Want to come to my place on Sunday? I'm going to do some field research in the park behind my house."

"OK. Sure. Can I bring anything?"

"Bring your camera. If you get some good shots of mushrooms, I'll pay you for them."

"Cool."

He wrote his address down on a slip of paper and left to check his fungus. 

His house was kind of isolated at the end of a beat-up street that might as well have been a gravel road. It looked like exactly the kind of place he'd live. I brought my camera bag, but should have brought beer too. He didn't drink and had no alcohol in the house. He offered me hot tea instead. His floors were bare hard wood and the furniture was basic and thrift-store looking. There were pictures of mushrooms all over the walls. A few of them were even black-light posters which surprised me not at all. The tea wasn't very good. It was bitter and barely lukewarm. I drank it to be polite. 

"Did you notice?"

"Notice what?"

"I'm not wearing glasses. I put contacts in. I've had them for awhile, but all that solution and stuff is a pain which is why I just put on glasses."

Something occurred to me right then...

"Kenny - is this mushroom tea?"

"Slightly. Not enough to affect you. Don't worry."

"Like psychedelic mushrooms?!?"

"Don't worry. I wouldn't give you anything that would hurt you, Grab your camera and let's go."

I followed him out the back door and into his overgrown yard. My antenna was up. He'd given me drugs and I had to stay alert.

"I found a puffball mushroom out here last week. It was beautiful. Ever seen one?"

"I think so. They make a cloud of smoke when you stomp in them, right?"

"It's not smoke. Those are spores, millions of tiny spores. It's how they reproduce...how they make more puffballs."

"I knew that, Kenny. I was an 'A' student at one time. Art is harder. You never know if what you're looking at is the same as what other people see."

"Science can be like that too, my little friend."

We got to edge of a large park that I'd never even heard of in the two years I lived in this town. It was a warm day in early Autumn, but there were so many trees that the sun was diffused almost immediately. 

"I've never been here before."

"It's an undiscovered secret. There is so much shade and dead limbs that I can always find some good specimens...speaking of which...." He took off his hiking boots and socks.

"It burns. I caught athlete's foot somehow, but I haven't put any medicine on it. It's a fungus and I wanted to see it progress. It's called ringworm and can grow anywhere on your skin. Want to see?"

He lifted one of his big feet and showed me the sole. It was an inflamed shade of red with little white bumps. I got closer. They looked like little cartoon eyeballs, looking right at me. It was comical and I had to take a picture of it.

"I won't frame that one, pal."

"So cute. Like crazy Mad Magazine eyes."

"What a perfect day. I like this time of year when it's damp and warm. Winter absolutely sucks."

"I know, but I just saw it."

"Where?"

"Right over there. It looks like Freddy Kreuger wearing earmuffs."

"Uh oh. Stay close to me. You're starting to trip a little."

As we got deeper into the park, I felt like we were in a children's book. There had to be a witch's house here somewhere. Kenny found mushrooms and toadstools, and explained the difference. He also told me about how some fungus is poisonous, but most of it is really just inedible. 

"Ooh! Here's a nice little guy. Get a photograph of him." He was pointing at a fat little mushroom that looked like a stubby penis. I had a close-up setting, but my camera was impatient with me and did all the work for me. Maybe I got the shot. Maybe I didn't. I looked up and Kenny was lighting a joint. "Here", he said, "this will help you settle a little and also assist your artistic eye."

I was no stranger to weed. I took a puff, and it tasted just like the tea. I wondered if that taste would ever leave my mouth. I couldn't worry about that now.

"Let's turn, Kenny. I don't want to go near those slipper slides."

"Go near the what?"

I saw a bunch of brightly-colored plastic slipper sides up ahead and didn't want go near them. I just knew they were oily and filthy. I took his long. bony fingers in my hand and led him a different direction...into some dark woods. The greens and blacks were comforting. I should write a poem. Or a song.

"We're almost on private property now, little buddy."

"But I want to sit in the shade for a minute. Can you write music?"

"No. I had an old piano once, but it was just decoration. Check it out! There's a fairy circle!"

I'd heard of those. It's rare to find one. It's when mushrooms grown in a circle. I don't know if they're connected by a root or what. I took a lot of shots. Beautiful magic. In fact -- this whole spot was mystical. We decided to stay there and finish the blunt. We sat at the base of a hundred year old tree and he wanted to chat, but I was too busy listening to the fairy voices. They were almost singing but not quite. It was more of a chant. 

"You okay?"

"Yeah. Can you get one of them to stay still long enough so I can take a picture?"

He put a long arm around me. "What do they look like to you?"

"Well...none of them have clothes on. They remind me of that little dinosaur puppet from Pee-Wee's Playhouse. I love this park."

"I'll see if I can coax them over, but for now let's just relax a little."

He stretched out his long legs,

"I want your ringworm too!:

"What?"

I kicked off my Nikes and socks and rubbed them up against his feet.

"Why did you do that?"

"Isn't the point to spread and reproduce? I'm helping it make more fungus."

"Oh, kid. That's probably a pretty noxious variety. You could get it on your hands and crotch and everywhere else. Even in your eyes."

"It's tough then, right? I could be part of your thesis."

"It's either really tough or I'm really weak. I know my immune system is weak."

A fairy landed on top of my head, trying to talk to me.

"You aren't weak, Kenny."

"I'm trying to tell you I have AIDS. I've known for two months now. One of my professors gave me the test. A virus is different than a fungus, but they both need hosts. I'm the host for HIV. Ironic."

"Oh. I'm sorry."

Quiet. 

"It's okay. I like you so much. And you like me too, right?"

"So much."

"Can I kiss you?"

I didn't answer. I just pulled his face close to mine and kissed him passionately. Everything was perfect. I told him I wanted to make love, but he resisted. For about ten seconds. Then we were both naked and he was humping me helplessly. I was on my back and a knotty tree root was under my spine, but it was a helpful root, urging this sex onward. I guided his nice dick into my welcoming ass. And he  was lost in lust. He fucked me for so long but I can't say that I felt much pain. It was natural and biological. I would be the next host. 

"Wrong. This is so wrong." His hips took on a life of their own and they were thrusting in and out faster and faster. He came. I felt the millions of viruses puff out of his cock slit and circulate throughout my body. I was host for Kenny's HIV now. My blood gave it more life. I'd die and decay...and the I'd be hosting the fungus he loved so much. It was meant to be. I came.

The shrooms and pot had ebbed away as we walked back. Even completely sober, I wasn't sorry. Maybe he was, though. 

I moved into his house and we had many more fungal adventures. During the Winter, we just stayed inside and fucked. I photographed each little (or big) infection we'd get. I turned them in as a project and got much praise. 

END