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About Toon

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    Sex Addict
  • Birthday 04/13/67

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    Suburban Kansas City
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    Books, 90's music, zombie movies, rocks, fossils & minerals, paranormal stuff,
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    Neg, Recently Tested
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    Versatile Bottom
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    Midwestern laidback dude with a good brain. Professional, casual,sane.
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    Verbal, aggressive guys who mostly like to top. Poz guys, bearded and hairy guys, and men who like to called "Sir".

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  1. Who doesn't love Halloween?? I know religious fanatics hate the holiday, but that just makes me like it even more. No stupid songs or grade school pageants. Just FUN! Candy and scary movies make a great combination. 1992 I was in college and lived in a pretty crummy neighborhood. My best friend back then was Nancy. It had occurred to me that she liked me as more than a friend. In all our long talks. I'd never mentioned the fact that I was gay. Deep, deep in the closet with no desire to 'come out'. Nancy and I were both design students and had our mid-term projects completed. It was Halloween, Friday and her 21st birthday. She'd bought her first legal bottle of booze. It was that nasty 151 proof rum that had a "flammable" warning on the label. Mixed with enough Coke, it was bearable. It was a nice night and the leaves had barely started to fall. We sat on her porch and got blitzed. Say what you want about the student slums, but this was where all the party people lived. Lots of bars and great stereo systems. We watched the parade of costumed bar-goers go down to "The Hawk". Nancy kept snuggling up to me, closer. I just played dumb because I couldn't bear to tell her the truth. "You know what I don't see? Men dressed as women. In fourth grade, I dressed up as a lady -- with a wig and everything." "Oh." she said "Guys who do that at this age are probably camping now." Huh? I knew what she meant. That was our school's code for gays who 'cruised' the war memorial in the middle of campus. What did they do? How do you cruise? What does that involve? That monument was right over the hill from our street. I asked a few vague,random questions about camping. "Fags just go there and do stuff with each other. It's so stupid. It's like they are trying to get AIDS or something. My friend Andy-- from Visual Identity -- goes there all the time...he likes it best when it's raining because I guess only the really horny dudes go there during bad weather. He's probably got the disease. No idea." She got up and went to refill her glass. Did Nancy think I was stupid, not attracted to her...or gay. I watched the drunks go up and down the street. Her phone rang. A bunch of relatives called to wish her a happy birthday. Her words were slurred. Pretty bad. I just sat there with my thoughts. I hated this toxic rum, but wanted to finish my cup. I knew I'd throw up at some point. Silence from inside. I hoped like hell she didn't think she wasn't attractive. I should just go in and fess up. But she was passed out on the sofa with a dead phone in her hand. She'd spilled her drink on the carpet. Poor Nancy. Why was I such a bad friend? I SUCK! Tomorrow, I'd tell her tomorrow. It was after midnight, but there was a lot of partying still going on. I only lived one block away from Nancy, but didn't really want to go home and be sick. I'd walk off the lethal rum a little. I knew where I was going even if I didn't 'know' it. I wanted to camp. It was a nice night, but heavy clouds covered the moon. As I walked up the hill, I met up with some stumbling guy dressed as the grim reaper. He muttered something that I didn't quite catch. I should have worn some type of costume so that I didn't stand out so much. Too late now, I guess. Was that thunder? I wondered if we'd get rain. Once over the hill, I saw the bright monument. It looked like a giant erect penis. I got it now. The floodlights made it look pretty much an altar to dick. OK. I got closer and decided I couldn't do this now. But I wanted to get close, take another step. I saw about a dozen guys just hanging out. Most of them were sitting on or leaning on a low rock wall around the statue. What was I doing here? I needed to go home and go to bed. Vomit, take some TUMS and lie down. But then a loud clap of thunder slammed the air. The group made noise and I heard a couple of car doors slam. A storm was moving in...which was kind of perfect for Halloween. The first wave of rain drops fell. All the guys left, headlights on and wipers going. I just couldn't walk back home in this. Shit. I normally don't mind rain so much, but it made me shiver a little now. The wind had changed. Oh Hell, I'd just find somewhere dry to wait out the storm. The library was open all night, but I needed somewhere closer. Right down the hill was a garage or shed of some kind. My guess that it was where they kept mowers and grass seed -- stuff like that. It had a narrow awning that I stood under. The orange glow of the security light was strangely beautiful as the rain got heavier. More lightning. Just then, a figure rushed at me through the heavy drops. Panic. He ran with so much energy that I thought he was going to tackle me. But no, he just wanted to get out of the storm. He was a lean guy, not much taller than me. He had on blue jeans and a t-shirt with our school's mascot, but he was no student. He was an older guy (late 30's) and just seemed like a local dude. "The storm wasn't supposed to start until tomorrow. I always keep an eye on the weather because I do landscaping around here...I'm James. What's your name?" "Scott" (a lie) "Nice to meet you, Scott. What the Hell are doing out here?" "Oh... oh I live close to here. I just got caught in the rain as I was walking back from a party." "Frat party? You look like a frat boy. " "No, James. I live a few streets away, What are you doing out tonight?" "It's Halloween, kid. I'm a goddamn vampire. Can't you tell?" I finally let myself myself look him up and down. He was really skinny and pale. Sort of sickly. I guess. Dark brown hair, wet. He might actually be a vampire I suppose. Damn rum. I waited to see his fangs pop out. "And vampires can't get wet?" He chuckled. "I'm just fuckin' with you, Scotty. I came to make sure this door was locked." He gestured to the shed's door -- which was indeed unlocked. "Why? What's in there?" "I'll show you. There's no light, but I can leave the door open a little to let some light in from the lamp post." I knew what he was doing and what I was doing, but I sensed that one aspect of "camping" was pretending you weren't about to what you wanted to do. Once inside, I got a little scared...was I actually doing this? He stood in the doorway and blocked most of the light. Still, I could see giant 50 lb. bags of what I assumed was some kind of fertilizer or seed. "At least it's dry in here," I said lamely. "Yeah. Here...take a look at this." He unzipped his fly and hauled out his hard dick. It was long and skinny, but the head flared out in an unreal way. It reminded of the devil's tail...or a T-square. I never imagined a penis could form like that. I couldn't say a word. "Sit down on those bags of weed-killer. Now." "Uh..." I was still trying to think when he made a few fast strides and put his dick up to my lips. "Yeah. Take as much as you can. From now on, you'll do what you're told." It was so dark in here. I held his rain-soaked jeans as he pushed that wicked head deeper into my mouth. I felt like I didn't have enough spit for this. I just kept trying. The taste and smell were a little funky. He hadn't showered today, but the smell of rain was helpful. Lightning releases ozone from the air...it's a beautiful odor. "Fuck yeah! The better job you do, the better off you'll be." Was he going to cum? Ejaculate? I had this brief thought of choking to death on this bizarre man organ. His flared head went deeper into my throat...couldn't breathe. At least he pulled back a little to give me air. And then plunged back in, hard and fast and then faster. Is sensed he was about to cum, but he stopped. "Take your pants down, Scotty Boy. I'd do it for you, but my forearms are a little weak right now. Do it now." OK. There was no going back now. I did as instructed and felt the colder air chill my ass a little. I was fully erect...which was confusing because I felt pure fear. Cats sometimes purr when they are really stressed...it's a comfort to them. James closed the door and locked it. Total blackness. I felt him position himself behind me. The weird tip of his penis parted my cheeks. "It'll be easier if you don't fight or tense up....God, your lucky." Lucky? How? "I got sperm in my balls that has a bite to it. It'll stay in you forever." I didn't and also did know what he was talking about. He was going to give me AIDS. He had it and wanted to spread it. No going back. He wanted to do the butt sex thing here in the dark. "Ow!!! No!!! Not now!" "Shh. You want this is bad as I do. Relax." I yelled, but the sound would never go through the walls. I'd put myself in this situation. He pushed that tip past my ass hole, GODDAMN! NO WAY! I was about to die. He just kept going in, deeper. Deeper. That inflamed dick head was now way inside me, ripping my insides, tearing everything. My screams echoed in the small metal space. I felt like I was going to die right then and there. Mistake! I had the morbid thought that I least I wouldn't have go through finals. He was relentless with his pumping and had no desire to let up until he came. I was just a portal for him to deliver seed in. It got a little easier to take after a few minutes. My insides had given up the tension. I stopped fighting it and let him do his thing. I didn't think -- which is unusual for me. I was just a fuck hole for this man. For his pleasure. "Guess what? I came already, but you're getting a double dose for being such a good boy. I swear, I never even lost my hard-on." By now I was starting to like it more. My own dick was about to come. And then it did. Shit! I must have lost a whole pint of semen all over the concrete floor. I moaned as a sense of pure enjoyment over took me. He was good at this. Did I just get a boyfriend? No. I didn't. As soon as he finished emptying a second load into me, James pulled his jeans back up and was quiet. He unlocked the door and opened it. The rain seemed to have stopped. "I always have a cigarette after fucking. I'll be right outside...get up when you're able, and join me." "Yeah. Thanks." 'Thanks'?? Did I really just thank a guy who caused me so much pain? My ass was sore as hell. Did HIV semen hurt more than the regular kind? I lifted my jeans back over my hips and zipped up. OK. My legs worked just fine, and I went to join him. "Damn, Scott! I'm gonna sleep good tonight, but I bet you won't. Want a cigarette?" I didn't smoke, but it seemed like a good thing to do just now. "I'm glad the storm is over." "Yeah, but it'll be muddy in the morning when I go to work. How you feelin'? " "Great." "Cool. Want to do it again? I always come here when it rains at night. Check the forecast, Scotty." It rained a lot the next two months.
  2. Still awake?

    1. MTWTFSS


      needed some sleep  -- was a cloudy day

  3. I hope everyone reading this is doing well...in all ways. Physically, mentally. I also hope you never think about killing yourself. Once you consider suicide as an option, that idea never goes away -- it stays there in your brain always, festering and waiting to claim you. 2002 It had been a very year for me. I'd lost both parents in the span of six months. I was an orphan at the age of 30. My older sister and I were not close. I hated my job so, so much. I worked for a software company and always felt inept at it. I didn't like the 'dudes' in my department. They talked sports and tits and cars, while I had nothing to add to any of those topics of conversation. I just existed. Before I get too far into this pity party, I'll tell you that I did indeed try to get help. My employer offered three free sessions with a mental health professional of my choice. I gave it a shot. The first doc immediately put me on Zoloft after only talking to me for twenty minutes. I started taking it right away because she'd said that it works quickly for the people who need it the most. I had crazy nightmares, but never felt any happier. I went to a therapist who worked out of her beautiful house that always smelled like incense. She was a stylish hippy who had candles and crystals all over the place. You know the type. She listened to me talk about my unhappiness for 50 minutes while she took notes. She interrupted me a few times to ask questions...and also remind me to breathe. Breath was a big deal for her. It was her assessment that I was in too big a hurry to be born. ?? I guess she meant that my soul had cut in line to make it to this "earthly plane". Dear God. Seriously? During the next session, I told her I had nothing else to talk about and just wanted to die. "Suicide? Are you talking about suicide? If you kill yourself now, you'll have so much work left to do at the next level." Ugh. Whatever. I was so done with this shit. My little foray into therapy was over. My best friend in the world was my big, black cat "Knuckles". He was tough-looking, but very affectionate. I'd miss him. An old neighbor lady was also sort of my friend. Delia. She was our block's eye and ears and knew everything that went on. Knuckles loved her because she always smelled like cooking when she'd come over with brownies or fresh bread. I'd give my cat to her...yes. She had two cats already and Knuckles would be the boss. That's pretty much all I had to take care of before dying. I'd read enough about suicide to know that the way you slit your wrists was to drag a knife lengthwise in a bathtub full of warm water. The only part of that that concerned me was the condition my body would be found in. I'd be discovered in a pool of cold corpse soup. Gross. I sure didn't want that picture in my head. No. I'd just do it my own bed. I didn't cut deep enough. I just stained my sheets and mattress with blood...and got some wicked scars to show for my efforts. Another failure to add to my long list. I missed Knuckles, but Delia assured me he was loving it over at her place. "He is the man of the house! Why are such dark circles under your eyes?? Better go get a flu shot. Winter is coming...and it's supposed to be a bad one this year." She kept bringing over food because she said I was too skinny. And then the holiday season was upon us. Fucking hell. The last incentive I had to stick around was gone. This ghastly season of mirth was something I just couldn't bare. Delia was right...the Winter moved in early and harsh. It got below freezing almost every night. I'd read that about a dozen homeless people in my city died of "exposure" . Hypothermia. Would that be such a bad way to die? I'd been cold before. Really cold. That's it! I'd just go outside and freeze to death. No stains or scars from that, right? It was a decision. The news said we were in for record-breaking temperatures along with snow. I remember my dad saying "it's just too cold to snow." I guess that was another one of those Farmer's Almanac myths that wasn't true. I'd taken a week of vacation and gave Delia a bottle of wine as an early Christmas present. And then I felt the excitement of adventure. I decided not to make a ceremony of the evening. I'd just do normal stuff and then walk out into the cold. I couldn't handle TV right now. The holiday commercials just made me angry. I watched "A League of Their Own" on DVD. And I drank booze. People think that imbibing alcohol warms you up, but it's a trick. You might feel warm, but you're actually more vulnerable to cold temps. There wasn't much traffic on my street. It was already at ten below zero outside. I'd already planned on what I what I'd wear. Jeans (with my I.D. in my back pocket), a loose shirt and ball cap. I took a coat because somebody might see me walking around under-dressed and call the cops or something. This was a weird neighborhood...mostly retired people like Delia. I don't even know how late it was, but almost none of the houses had lights on. A few places had Christmas lights up. Damn...it was supernaturally cold and there were already a few inches of fresh snow on the ground. When did that happen? Tonight? You know when people say 'chilled to the bone'? I knew what they meant now. My bones were cold, and it didn't help that I had almost no body fat. A few blocks away was a little cemetery surrounded by an iron fence. It was old and there was no more room for new tenants. I walked among the stones and thought about watches. My dad was buried with his beloved pocket watch...was it still ticking? I wondered if any watches beneath my steps were still keeping time. Probably none. I was feeling so tired. I needed to stop and rest. This was it. My final stop. The snow made a nice pillow, and I remembered to remove my cap. You really do lose a lot of heat from your head because the brain stakes all the claim to your personal temps. And then your major organs stake their claim, leaving your extremities bloodless and frostbitten. Oh whatever. The snow clouds had obviously passed because the stars were bright and doing their twinkling thing. I'd read that you start feeling very warm when you're about to freeze to death. It was time. I unzipped my coat and waited. It was hard to see the stars...maybe my eyeballs were icing over. OK. Probably too late to back out now. I might have slept a little after the promised heat embraced me. Good-bye. "Hey! HEY!" Somebody with a deep voice was interrupting this. They'd go away if I kept my eyes closed. "Not now, Knuckles." "What? You're going to die out here! Get up." I was listening to all the ticking watches underground. "Okay. I'll just carry you. Damn, you weigh almost nothing." Knuckles had become a human and had come to take me out of the cold. He was warm and I stroked his fur with my numb hands. I'd missed him so much. And then were out of the cold. Somewhere new. Was this where Knuckles lived now? It'd be nice to sleep next to my cat again. I woke up a little and felt burning on my face, ears and fingertips. A large bearded man with black hair was holding me underneath a smelly blanket. His body gave off all the heat my body and craved. I didn't know who he was, but he his snores were almost musical. Where was I? It was a concrete basement with a few fluorescent ceiling lights. There was a large standing freezer with some plastic bottles of water on top. I was thirsty and moved to get up. "Where you going?" He'd woken up so fast. "I needed a drink of water. Where am I?" "Those bottles are full of melted snow. Help yourself." I did. "We're in the basement of 'China Don's'...on 75th street. A buddy of mine will wash dishes here when it opens in a few weeks. There's no heat, but it's not so bad. Out of the weather at least. Where did you think you were?" "Purgatory." "Sit back down and explain yourself." He was a mountain of a man. I hesitated to approach him for a second. I sensed he was good, but maybe my brain was still frozen. I knelt down on the pile of blankets and tried to think of what to say. "My name is Terry...I was out for a walk." "On the coldest night of the year? Are you mental? Be straight with me, Terry." "It's embarrassing. I guess...well, I was ready to die. I guess." He thought for a few seconds and then shook his head. "I not only saved your life -- I saved from an eternity in Hell." "I don't believe in hell." "It's there whether you believe it or not. Judging from your clothes and hair, you haven't been homeless very long. Right?" "I'm not homeless." "What?! You have a place to live? With heat and running water and a bed???" I felt like a complete moron. "Yeah. I've got a house about ten blocks from here." "What happened? Why? Never mind. Let's go there now. Please?" Well, I owed him. I wasn't too sure I could walk very well. I'd really done a number on my body with this 'attempt'. We climbed out of the restaurant's upstairs windows and it was still so cold. "How long have you been out on the street? Also -- what's your name?" "I go by 'West'. I've been homeless since May. It all started when my wife accused me of raping her. Can you believe that shit? How can you rape the woman you're married to? We were both naked and in bed. She threw me out, called the cops and everything." "Wow. I'm sorry, West. Did you have any kids?" "Nah. She never trusted me because I kept cheating on her...with hookers. It was an addiction. I liked to do all kinds of stuff she would never do for me. I am wild in bed, and fuck hard. Hookers don't care what you do as long as you pay for it." "Wow." That's all I could say. "That ain't even the worst of it. Once I ran out of money, I was always finding places in the shadows to jack off, and that's when some gay wandered over and offered to suck my dick! He took my cum..and hookers never did that. He even gave me fifty bucks afterwards. That's when I started fucking guys exclusively -- they never cared how violently I gave them my big dick. I would tear them apart and they'd still want more. Ever been with a fag, Terry?" "No. I am a fag too." The censor in my brain must have frozen to death. I'd never admitted my secret to anyone. "That why you wanted to kill yourself? I'm sorry for saying 'fag' That was rude." "It's okay, West. I try to hide it as much I can." "I'm sorry again. I met one rich old gay man who paid me really well for fucking him. He sucked me all the time too. I sometimes slept at his fancy condo and he'd give me money, food and cigars. But he wanted to fuck my asshole, which I could never even imagine. It wasn't so bad and he paid me well each time..I miss those cigars, but I still have the last one he gave me." "The last?" "Yeah. He was always coughing and sick. He just vanished one day." "Think he had AIDS?" "Who knows? Is your house close?" "Yes. This is my street." Delia's lights were all out. At least she wouldn't see me bring home some giant man in the middle of the night. "I left it unlocked...which is good because I don't think my hands can find my keys now." We blustered in and let the warmth cover us. West looked around. "Show me around." He peeled off his coat and at everything like he was videotaping it with his brain. I turned on a few lamps. "Wow! It's like Bermuda in here, Terry!" I's forgotten that I turned heat way up before I left. I figured I'd never pay another bill, and my next of kin would owe the power company. My sister and her rich husband would have to take care of it. "I can turn it down." "No. Not yet. Your TV is huge! I miss watching hockey. I used to play it when I was a kid. I had to quit when I couldn't find skates in my size." I showed around my little house. My kitchen was tiny. Delia always called it my 'one butt kitchen' because it wasn't big enough for two people to cook. The messiest room was my 'office' where I kept my computer and drawing table. There were a lot of empty cardboard boxes too. Both of my parents had gone through the depression and hated throwing things away... I guess it was genetic. I almost explained all this to West, but I was unbelievably tired all the sudden. West was very close to me as I gave the tour. I could smell his strong body odor. "This is the spare bedroom." It just had a twin bed and a floor lamp. "Show me where you sleep, Terry." My bedroom was pretty plush. I'd spent a fortune on the mattress and bedding because I had always had trouble sleeping. It was a queen-sized bed that Knuckles and I had shared for several years. God, I missed that cat. "Only room left is the bathroom." "Yes. I need to use that now...if you don't mind." I showed him the room and West immediately pulled out his fat dick and started pissing in the toilet. "Ah. That's better. Can I take a shower too?" "Absolutely. I'll get you a fresh towel." "I need some other stuff too. Any chance you could give me a toothbrush, a razor, nail clippers and some deodorant?" Yeah. I had all that stuff in the hall closet. "Want me to wash your clothes?" "Well....not when I am in the shower, Why don't you rest now...I need a good long, hot shower. Go lie down. We're going to have a party to celebrate you still being alive." He said all that as he removed his grimy clothes. He was naked and probably noticed that my eyes were all over him. His dick was very big, but looked average-sized on his huge, hairy body. "The toothbrush is new and the towel is clean. Go ahead." I picked up his clothes and shoes and went to put them on top of the washing machine. His boots were very worn and comically big. I found that I didn't mind the smell all that much. The warmth of the house had activated the odor. I really needed to lie down now. I'd made my bed this morning -- habit. It was so warm that I just napped on top of the covers, listening to the shower running. Waterfalls. I slept deeper than I thought I would, and emerged from the dreams a little when I heard the shower shut off. I was finally awake enough to listen as he brushed his teeth. For a long time. I took way too much for granted. As I was getting up off the bed, West walked into my room. "Hey! Did you get a little siesta? Damn! You have great water power here. I'm guessing you don't have any clothes that would fit me. I don't mind being naked if it doesn't bother you." "It doesn't bother me." I might have said that too fast. "I think I have a robe my mom gave me that's too big for me. Hold on." It was huge, but West could barely get it over his shoulders. "Sorry." "No problem. Let's get the party started! Wake up! Come be a host, Terry. We're celebrating your life now." OK. Yeah. Sure. I was strangely glad to still be alive. "Want music or TV?" "Both! Got any booze?" I had more wine, but just one and a half bottles. He was probably hungry too. All I had was microwave popcorn. I put it in and went to turn on the TV. I plugged my ipod into the stereo and then I was out of chores. I brought him a glass of wine and settled next to him. "Want a different channel? Different music?" "No. Are these your top songs in order? Your favorites?" "No. It's on 'random' now.'' "The songs are happy...but you aren't a happy man. I don't get it." He'd put his huge bare feet up on the coffee table and had his hands on his crotch. He might have an itch...or was working his dick into a hard-on. He was making himself right at home. "I can wash your clothes now." "Not in the middle of a party! I can wash them myself tomorrow. Do you work?" "Yeah, but I'm on vacation for the next five days." "Vacation? Like a paid vacation? You have a job that gives you paid vacations?" Um. I guess I did. "I hate my work. Hated it from the first day." "But they pay you enough to afford this nice house and awesome TV...not to mention heat and running water." I had to admit that he was right. "Want another glass of wine, West?" "Wine, yes. Glass, no....just bring the bottle. I still can't get over how good the warmth feels!" He was stroking a huge boner. I went to get the other bottle with a homeless man's big dick in my brain. I was never good at working a corkscrew. Shit. I managed to get the cork out somehow. By the time I came back to the living room, he was beating off vigorously. "Need a minute? I can leave you alone to finish." He stopped and let his hard dick rest against his stomach. "Sorry. I just feel so horny right now. I haven't been fully nude in a long time." We passed the bottle back and forth. My own sips were small, but his were lusty and long. His erection didn't diminish. "Want me to see if I can find a hockey game? I've got, like, three or four sports channels." "Nah. It's almost four in the morning. There won't be anything on...just football talk shows. Why don't you move closer to me? Is this scaring you?" He grabbed his cock and looked directly into my eyes. I got up and sat right next to him. "No. It's beautiful." Did I really say that? He ran his thick fingers through my hair. "Beautiful? Really? Think you could suck on it?" I could. Absolutely. I was going to hesitate, but his hand was on the back of my head, moving my face to his lap. I went with it, operating on pure instinct. West was cut, but there was a nice amount of skin at the base of his wide head that I was now tasting. Soap. He had the flavor of soap. I was amazed at how much I liked having a dick in my mouth. My own penis was fully hard in an instant. His hand kept pressing me downward, forcing me to put more of it in my mouth. He'd hit some spot in my throat that made me gag. "Sorry. It feels so good, Terry. Don't stop." I could handle about half of it, and just did what I could. He'd put his feet on the floor and was using his hip muscles to thrust upwards. He tried not to hit my gag spot, but couldn't help but try to go deeper down my throat. I felt the wine in my stomach want to come back up. I fought it and took as much of him as I could. "Oh. Yeah. I'm almost there. Swallow it please! Will you?" Oh, I would. "YEAH...Here you go!!!" I felt the organ throb violently between my lips. Thick, squirting semen spread over the taste buds on my tongue. I'd remember it for the rest of my life. Man Seed. "Wow. I don't remember a better blow job." He removed his dick from my mouth and wiped the slime and last drops in my hair. "Holy shit. Drink more wine, Terry. I don't want to taste own dick in your mouth when we kiss. Yes...we're going to kiss." Kiss? Really? Kiss a man? I picked up the wine bottle and reluctantly washed his cum away. "This is such a comfortable couch." "Want to sleep here? I can get you a blanket and some pillows." "No. We're going to sleep in your big bed after we finish the wine. What it is this song? It's SO you!" It was called 'All I Am' by a forgotten band -- Dada. I nodded and glugged more wine. Would he want to do more in bed? Was I ready? He said he he was 'wild' when it came to sex. He'd raped his wife. He might have AIDS. "Let me turn off everything first." "Not the music. It's so perfect." Naked West stood up and went to my room while I shut off the TV. I took my time as I thought about some stuff. He wanted to kiss. And fuck? Like, in my butt? I had nothing left to do but go lay down in bed. He was naked on top of the bedspread. "You can maybe turn your heat down a little. And then I need a favor." I turned down the heat to 70 -- which is what I usually kept it on. OK. Deep breath. "It'll cool down more. This is a drafty house." "Fine. I actually need you to do two things. First -- take off all of your clothes. I want to see you." I did. My fingertips were still a little sore. We were now two nude males in a bedroom. "And -- I know this a lot to ask, but can you go get the clippers from your bathroom sink and trim my toenails? It's hard for guys my size to bend that way. You don't have to." "I'll do it, West." I had a toenail clipper in my dresser drawer. It's a weird chore humans have to do every so often. I knelt at the foot of the bed and went to work. His feet had hard, yellowish callouses, but weren't in such bad shape. I did as requested, my job. I clipped his toe claws as he drifted off to sleep. He needed care. I needed to care of him. I finished up and watched him sleep with my his toenail clippings in the palm of my left hand. Those snores I'd heard earlier resumed. How long ago was that? Well, I guess the kiss was delayed for now, ass well as the sex -- if he'd even wanted any. I carefully got into bed beside him, pulled up the covers and closed my eyes even though I'd left the light on. At one point, I woke up with his big, furry arm wrapped around me. His famous boner was poking me in the thigh. Still snoring. I was also aware the light of dawn was beginning to make it's pale blue presence known behind the blinds. I also a tiny tuft of my cat's hair drift though the air. God, that animals shed a lot. A hundred years from now, there'd still be traces of him in this house. I thought of Knuckles as I went back to sleep. "Good morning!!...well, technically it's still morning." It took me a minute to become fully awake and remember the situation. "Sorry I went to sleep on you so early, but this mattress is so comfortable. I'm going to kiss you now." "Yeah. Can I go brush my teeth first?" He climbed on top of me and our faces were so close. "No. I'm taking over now. You owe me." I guess he was right. His beard was soft, but a somehow little abrasive as he devoured my whole face. I'd never been kissed before, but this was an advanced lesson. West aggressively pushed his tongue into my mouth and I felt his spit mix with mine. I knew I should enjoy this, but I'd never really learned to give in to another person. I'd always been fiercely independent. But now a big man was in charge of me. The weight of West's giant frame left me powerless...I was in for a ride. I wrapped my arms around his broad back to let him know I was liking this. He responded by raising himself up a little and poking his hard penis between my ass cheeks. OK. I could do this maybe. "There's a few ways we can do this, but I want to see your face as I impregnate you." This man had raped his wife...and probably had the AIDS virus. I just didn't care about that now. The good thing about being a virgin is that you can let a more experienced partner take the lead. He did. Oh, did he ever! His dick was trying to pry my hole open. "Ow! No! Get it out!" "Shh. It'll hurt at first. This will take a little time because you're so tight and I came a lot last night. I'm going to enter you fully and I don't think I can go slow. Take a deep breath." He rammed his whole tool directly up into my insides. "NO!!!" I'd fallen out of a tree as a little kid and broke my arm. The pain I felt now was so much worse than that. I thought I saw flashes of light in my brain. "Goddamn. buddy! This is great! Ahhh...I am loving this!" I guess there was no point in screaming anymore, and my muscle tension was probably making this worse for me. How do you relax when it feels like someone is stabbing you in the ass?! Endurance. I tried to love the idea of what this would like as a porn movie...this big guy's ample ass moving up and down on top of a smaller man. I'd watch it. "Yeah... You are so big, West." He seemed surprised that I was saying that and also that I had grabbed his butt. "Good. Keep touching my ass. Just like that. OH! I'm going to make a baby with you! I..." He was crazed with lust and pleasure. His thrusts got more intense. Faster. "HOLY SHIT! I'M CUMMING NOW...NOW!!!" All I felt was a tearing pain, but I imagined his semen shooting inside my body. Maybe it had a disease in it.... He stopped moving. I was guessing it was over with, but his dick stayed hard. He started to piston in and out again. "Just working it in deeper, Terry. You like that?" I did. I kinda didn't want this to end. I would be someone new as soon as I got out of bed. Does that make sense? But he was done and got out of bed. "Stay still a while. I tore you up down there and you're bleeding like crazy. Rest. I'm going to clean up and make some coffee for us." He left the room as I wondered if I was really hurt that badly. He stepped in the shower for a few minutes. I listened to the water and also to my thoughts. I might have snoozed a little. "How are we doing in here, little friend? Who is 'Knuckles' by the way? You kept saying that in your sleep. Here's your coffee. Need help getting up?" No. Or wait. I felt like I'd been a car accident. "Yeah..just for a second." He grabbed my hand and steadied me on the floor. "Go clean up a little. I'll clean this mess up." I stepped in the shower and washed the blood off of my legs, ass and crotch. Damn, I was sore. I could be normal. Gay guys did this all the time, right? I put on some sweats as West came to check on me. "You feelin' okay? Come out here. I couldn't figure out the remote." I limped out to the front room. Damn, my ass hurt! Wow. I suppose I was ruined now. West was still nude and getting comfortable on the couch as I found an old movie channel. "Hungry? I have some of those Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwiches I can nuke for us." "Sounds great...we can't exactly go out to eat. I have no clothes." I made his breakfast and watched him eat all eight sandwiches. I had no appetite just now. "Let me go wash your stuff now. Want me to put your shoes outside a little while?" "Nah. It's too cold out there. Spray some air freshener in them maybe. Or deodorant." I put his grimy clothes in the washer and wondered if they'd disintegrate once hot, soapy water hit them. Once the cycle started, I joined West in living room as a new thought was entering my brain. "Hey. Can I ask you something?" "Sure. What?" "It'll sound weird...but do you think we're dead?" "WHAT? Why would you ask that??" "I just feel so different now. What are the odds of us finding each other at night and surviving bitter cold? I don't even have frostbite. Nobody knows what happens when you die." He thought for a second. "If this is what death is like, I'm not complaining. Are you?" His clothes were finished and ready for the dryer. And then a shadow passed in front of my kitchen window. Mailman. I put on my coat on to go retrieve the bills and junk catalogs, ads. It was so insanely cold out. I stopped midway across the front porch. Right in the corner was a little, shivering kitten. He was so small, but had a thick coat of long black fur. I forgot the mail and scooped up the kitty. How was he still alive? I rushed him inside to get warm. "Look!" West was incredulous. "A baby cat? This time of year?" The warm house seemed to revive the little creature and he started mewing. He also purred a little. He looked just like Knuckles when he was a kitten. But Knuckles was fixed so this couldn't be his son. "He's home now." "We all are, Terry."
  4. part one is here: 1988 I didn't want to get out of bed on Sunday morning...mainly because I was a little hungover, but also because I didn't want to look at myself in the bathroom mirror. Jessie had said I looked like a horror movie, and it couldn't have improved much overnight. I made myself step out in the hallway and go to take a shower. So little to look forward to in my reflection and so much to dread. I guess it wasn't SO bad. Most of the dried blood must have worn of on my pillow. The cut was very thin and looked clean. I'd probably have a gnarly scar eventually. I also looked into my own eyes -- into a grown man's eyes. I was no longer a virgin, but I looked pretty much the same except for the cut and the bloodshot eyes. I showered for a long time. I knew there were things from my adventure that I couldn't wash away. When I touched the bar of soap to my asshole, it hurt a little. As i dried off and got dressed, I thought about Shane and Dawn. Did I indirectly cause another teen pregnancy last night? Maybe I could ask Dawn if I could be the kid's godfather. And then I thought about the new kind of living thing I might have inside of me...I'd directly caused that. I asked for it even. Jessie. Jessie's kiss. His lips. His eyes. I could find no regret anywhere inside of me. I sensed the house was empty. It was quiet for a Sunday at 11 AM. As much as I wanted to just go back to bed, I was hungry and wanted cereal. As I walked down the stairs, Dad came home with a bunch of grocery bags. I was strangely happy to see him. He glanced up quickly and greeted me. I tried to think of how I'd explain the cut, but all I'd come up with so far was 'I don't remember'. "Are you just now getting up? Must have been a good party. Come help me." "Where's Mom?" "No idea. She didn't come home last night. I went to the grocery store by myself for the first time in decades. It was fun!" I helped him unload the goods. It was a bunch of frozen, microwavable stuff from Stouffer's and Jimmy Dean. I'd never seen shit like this in our house before. Mom would be horrified...but she was AWOL. After the freezer was full, I looked at the other stuff. Cheetos, pork rinds, Pop Tarts, Rice Krispie Treats....the world must be ending. "Check it out," he said as he pulled a giant bottle of Captain Morgan's rum out of a bag. "Rickman's opens at 10 now. Let's have a little eye-opener" "Dad! I haven't even eaten yet!" He tossed me box of pop tarts which I ate immediately. All six of them. He was busy making us drinks and hadn't seen my cut cheek until he sat down at the table across from me. "What the holy hell happened to your face?!" "I don't remember. I got pretty drunk and probably fell or something." "Looks like it was done with a scalpel. Did you fall on a piece of glass?" "Maybe. So where do you think Mom is?" "It's not infected at least. Son...I think your mother has left us. Doesn't matter much. Just remember that she loves you and always will. You haven't touched your drink." "It's kind of early for this, Dad." "Nerd! Just kidding. I've always been proud I raised a little bookworm. You only have three days of school left and I am quitting my job tomorrow -- this is going to be a week-long party!" Wow. I took a long sip of the rum and coke. Nice. The taste reminded me of chocolate. "So I can skip school tomorrow? I've never done that." "It's the right time. You already got accepted to college and have nothing to go back for. Same here. I'm looking for an eye clinic to work for in St. Louis. Hell, I might even start my own." "So are you guys getting divorced?" "I can only tell you that I am. I can't stay here. I have to move which breaks my heart because I always wanted to have a home here you could back to." He made another round of cocktails. "I have to go back to school at least once....to return my books." "Yeah, yeah. You're good about stuff like that." "Did you and Mom ever love each other?" He belched and paused. "Yes. We did. I was so happy the day we got married...and the day you were born. But...I don't know. Why do you ask?" "Because I think I've fallen in love." "I figured as much. This was in the mailbox." He handed me an envelope with nothing on it except 'ERRIN'. No stamp, no address...just my misspelled name. "I didn't open it. What happened last night?" "Well..." I finally just told him I was gay,met a man and we made out. I didn't mention any of the other stuff. I chugged more of the drink. "Yeah. I'm sorry, but we pretty much knew you were a gay from early on. Thank you for confirming it, though. Does this guy you met have anything to do with your wound?" I scrambled for an answer. "No. I don't think so. I was pretty drunk." (part of that was true) "Well, Aaron. We hit a milestone just now. Let's toast!" He made more strong drinks, and it was only noon. I felt a bit of tension melt away from my spine. We sipped them without toasting -- I guess he forgot. I held the envelope and it was burning the palm of my hand. What was inside? What did it say? "We need a radio, Dad. Want me to bring my boom box down here?" "Yeah! Great idea. And read your letter too. You don't have to tell me what it says if you don't want to. I'm gonna microwave us some pizza rolls!" I raced upstairs and tore the letter open. I sensed from the handwriting that it was written quickly. Dear Errin, Hi. How are you today? Is your cut better? Mine is fine. Did you sleep OK? I want to see you again very soon! Can we meet tonight in the park? Just us. The guys won't be there so don't worry about them. We have decided to lay low for now. They are worried that you live so close to where I killed you. ha ha. We can meet where your friends had the party. That area. The keg is still there. They are going to lose the deposit. Can we meet tonight around 1? We don't have to do anything. Just talk, ok? I want to see you. Tonight!!! -- J I read it two more times and touched the ink letters with my fingers. I put it under my pillow and grabbed my boom box. Downstairs in the kitchen, Dad had made us two fresh rum and cokes. I plugged the radio in. "I'm gonna get a stereo for every room. Want to go shopping with me?" "Sure. You want to hear old stuff, right?" He snorted. "Just you wait. All your favorite songs will be 'oldies' one day." Maybe not, I was thinking. I found 95 FM which played all the shit I knew he liked. I liked New Wave and certain pop songs. Madonna was my favorite....God love that tired old bitch -- she just kept going. She was probably in her 40's by now. "That! That song played at my prom." It sounded dull to me. "Fog Hat!" "Did you know Mom then?" "Slow Riiiiide...Take it eeeeasy!....What? No. I was a lot like you in high school. Never dated because I wanted to get into med school. Are you going to date this man now?" "I doubt it." "Well you can invite him here if you want to. I'll be cool." The endless string of old rock songs continued and Dad kept refilling our glasses. "Dad? Can we listen to another station now?" "No. I got a better idea. Go get your top five tapes and play some of your music for me." That would be tricky. Have you ever played a song you loved for somebody and they had no reaction? Music hit their ear differently than it did yours. It was too much pressure and so I just grabbed the first give tapes on top of my pile. Back downstairs, Dad has smoking two cigs at a time. Weird. "Here. I just lit one for you. What you got for us?" I played my all-time favorite: Elvis Costello's 'My Aim is True'. It had enough of an oldies rock feel that hr might dig it. He listened and drank. The only song he seemed to like was "Allison" -- maybe because he'd heard it before. "Well?" "Here. I lit one for you. I changed my mind about the music. We got all Summer for that...I want to talk about your gay thing." "My gay thing??" Was he serious? "I meant...just be patient with me, Son. It's new territory for me." "Sorry. You can ask me anything, but I don't know much." "But you know to be careful, right? Careful of HIV? Of course you know...you're smart. But I'll still worry, OK?" If he only knew. "I know about that part. It's the love part, the courtship part that I don't know anything about." "I only ever dated two girls before meeting your mother. It's different for everybody. Who is this guy you like? What's his name? Is he in your class?" "His name is Jessie and he's a few years older than me. I just kind of ran into him in the park." "What does he do?" Oh God. "He's in sales." "And how does he make you feel? What makes you think it's love?" "I don't know that it is...for sure. I just know I felt a connection, a feeling like I've never had before." "That sounds about right." I almost told him that I was meeting Jessie tonight. He'd most likely be passed out by then. Speaking of....I suddenly needed a nap. "Dad, I need to rest a little now. Will you be okay?" "I was thinking the same thing. Let's get some sleep and then continue the party later." He went to his bedroom and I went to mine. I changed my pillow case and looked at the letter again. I loved his boxy, deliberate handwriting. I touched my lips to the paper. I tried to smell a trace of him, but the whole house stunk of cigarettes. I just put my head on the pillow and immediately found the dreams that were already waiting for me. Jessie. Jessie' face, voice, body. His penis. The light in my window was darker when I finally convinced myself to get up. I showered for the second time today, and maybe took a little too much time getting my hair right. I picked out some casual but nice clothes to put on. I didn't shave because maybe a beard would help hide the scar I'd eventually get. Cologne? Not yet. "AARON!! Wake up!" "I'm right here, Dad." He was in the kitchen, doing something with the oven. Really? "I was trying to make garlic bread, but I burned it. Your mom's fancy oven is too complicated...it's like something from NASA." He was wearing only underwear again. "Need an apron?" "Nah. But look at you -- dressing for dinner. No wait. You're going to meet your boyfriend, right?" "I was going to tell you. But yeah." "Well. I put lasagna in the microwave. It'll be ready in 12 minutes. I think. Let's have a cocktail. Sit." Rum again. "Do you think Mom is ever coming home?" I decided I didn't care if she did. We sipped. "Who knows? She might be shacking up with some guy. I don't give much of a damn. But, you need to be honest with me..." "About what?" Uh oh. "Your cut looks to thin and clean to come from falling. I went to med school, you know? It's from a blade. Tell me some truth, Aaron." "Yes. It came from a knife with a very sharp blade." "Did your boyfriend do it. I'll kill him." "No. No, I did it to myself...to save us from gangsters." "WHAT?" "Things have changed, Dad. Crofton Park is known as the 'The Kill Zone' now. It was dangerous and I did what I had to...to survive." "Holy Fuck, Son." "But I'm fine. Jessie had nothing to do with it." Pretty much a lie. "Don't ever go back there without me. That lasagna smells like shit. Let's eat the other garlic loaf. It's not baked, but it's buttery and tasty still." So that's what we did while the manure entree went untouched. The bread really was pretty good. I wondered which way the wheels in his head were turning. "Bring him. Bring Jessie here to meet me. I'll feel better after you do that." We finished the whole loaf of bread and I felt a little sick. "I will." "Ok. That's settled. I will prepare myself to meet my only son's gay boyfriend. Give me a day or two." "Thanks, Dad." He made us more drinks as I glanced up at the clock. 9:25 PM. So much time. "Let's watch a movie!" That would fill the next two hours. Perfect. And I knew what movie he'd put in. "The Amityville Horror". Dad had grandparents that lived in that area. "Did I ever tell you I saw that house?" Yes. "Really?" "Yeah. The book had just came out. My brother and I drove by it during the day. All those houses sell for millions now. The market there is insane!" I'd heard all this before...many times. I was just busy looking at James Brolin. The ideal man, I swear. "The traffic was a mess. Those poor neighbors." This movie scared the fuck out of me as a kid. "Dad? Do you believe the story?" "No way! Aaron, there are no such things as ghosts." I wasn't so sure. I got a chance to see James in his tighty-whities. So I was done. It was almost 11. "Let's have a drink, Dad. Want to go to the kitchen?" "No. Stay put. We'll have a living room party tonight." He lumbered away and fussed with making drinks. He was trying to turn us both into alcoholics I guess. The clock on the VCR said 11:03 PM. Jessie was thinking of me...I sensed that. I wanted to see him so bad. "Jesus -- look at the time. What time are you meeting your guy?" He handed me a fresh drink. "Soon." "But not in the park, right? Meet him at Denny's or something." "We're meeting at the corner." Lie. "OK. Just remember what I said. Bring him here so I can see him. Got it?" We drank a little and saw the dog rescue George from the muck in the basement. No way. I never believed in that part. "How is that dog strong enough to lift him?" I turned to look at Dad, but his eyes were closed. Poor man. He was going through so much. I would appreciate him more from now on. I would repay his kindness. Somehow. I lifted him lengthwise on the couch and covered him with a thin blanket. I never ever wanted to feel pity for my father. It was 11:25. I wanted to see Jessie so bad. I could just go early. So I did. Dad was snoring as I let myself out. It was quiet as I crossed the street. The night was warm. I was SO early, but I'd kill time somehow. I still had the salutatorian speech to write. It's funny how I once thought about just saying "Fuck all of you!". But now I wanted to say something meaningful. Something.... I wished I'd brought the rum with me. I would stake out a spot close to the entrance and watch for Jessie. I got a sense the park was empty, and I planned on thinking more about my graduation speech. I'd make it short for sure. Nobody liked listening to these speeches...they wanted to go home and celebrate privately. "I wish you all the best." ?? No. That was a little too brief. A hand on my shoulder.... "Looks like we had the same idea." It was Jessie. "I couldn't wait to see you again. I thought I was way early." He looked so sexy in the shadows, with his polo shirt and big, white high-tops. His face seemed somehow different too. He was wearing a nice cologne. "Walk with me. I have a surprise for you. I also brought your brand of cigarettes. Here." He handed me a pack and asked if I'd light one for him. I did. "I also got a new bottle of whiskey. But you have to wait for that. Come." "Thank you for the letter, Jessie." "I was hoping nobody else opened it." "Nope. My dad got it out of the mailbox and just handed it tome. He's not himself right now, and Mom has disappeared." "Is that why you want to leave?" "I guess. Maybe. It doesn't matter anyway. My dad is moving and selling the house. Mom has another life somewhere. There's no home for me in this town....no reason to stay." "You will miss this place if you leave. You need to stay." He wasn't hearing me. In the distance, I saw an green light. It was that weird shade of green that glow-in-the-dark cereal prizes always had. What? "What is that light?" "Camp. Come on." Sure enough...there was a lantern (battery powered?) on the ground next to some blankets and a bottle of booze. "Whoa! You brought all this back here by yourself??" The keg had vanished. "It's not so much. How is your cut?" "Fine." "Let me see." He held the lantern thing up above our heads.In the light, I saw that he was neatly clean shaven. He looked so cute. I like beards, but this look suited him more. "You really made a long cut with that knife." "How is your cut, Jessie?" He let the light down at his side and lifted his shirt. The cut was just a line of scab. I put my hand on his cock and felt it through his jeans. Hard. I wanted to open his fly, but he'd already had the same idea. His dick poked out, less than an inch from my lips. I never wanted anything so bad! I instantly kissed and tongued his beautiful meat. He inhaled noisily and gently pushed the head over my tongue. He'd said in his letter that we would just talk tonight, but I guess he wanted to do more. I know I did. He was so careful and kind. My man. I wanted to taste his cum in my throat, but had no way of vocalizing that request. "Oh! Such a soft mouth! Take your clothes off, Aaron." I stripped down while he did the same. Once again, he took his socks off too. I followed suit. Maybe I'd ask him about that sometime. I didn't come from a barefoot family...we all wore socks or slippers in the house. "Is your butt too sore for me to fuck again?" "No." It maybe was, but I wanted him back inside me. It was very necessary. I lied on the blanket and looked up at the half-moon. He was something out of a tube. Cream? It made slopping, slurpy sounds as he rubbed it on his dick. He put a glob of it on my ass. His expression was unreadable. He had the studied,blank face of someone paying bills or waiting for the oven to pre-heat. He was not interested in making this slow. His greased dick went straight for the target. I had no time to protest because he was inside of me so fast. OW! I wanted to force him off a little, but he was heavy. "You can yell if you want...nobody is around. Or I can put my sock in your mouth again. Choose." I don't have a response. I want to yell...in pain and pleasure. I will yelp if I want to. Give me the sock, please." "Good. Last night, I wore that sock you chewed on and it was wet on my foot. So nice. I'll never wash that one." He stuffed the new sock in my mouth and it tasted like fabric softener. He then proceeded to push that big dick of his inside me...quicker then I was ready for. He closed his eyes. "Oh...there...I'm in. A few more times of doing this and you'll enjoy it more. We'll be like an old married couple." He went so deep that I thought he'd hit the bottom of my stomach somehow. Damn. My legs were splayed open like a dissected frog in biology class. I reached around and pulled him closer. Closer. His weight and his body heat fueled my passion. I wanted him to enjoy this as much as I was starting to. "No...I ....I need to cum now. It's..it's NOW! Shit!" His whole body tensed and was still. He panted and said some Spanish under his breath. "You can leave, but you'll never be rid of me." He lied down on the blanket next to me and sighed happily. I'd had sex two times in two days. Was this real? "Need a minute to rest?" "Just a few seconds, okay? My head is doing spins." "Take your time. That was wonderful, Jessie, but I wish I could see your face in the daytime." "This face?" He was directly over me again, looking into my eyes. A long passionate kiss followed. His hair was so soft. My eyes were closed, but I had this weird sense that his were open. And then he did something I'll always remember. He pushed two big fingers in my mouth, like he was searching for a lost ring or something. It was weird and only slightly erotic. Maybe there was a kinky significance I was missing. And then he stopped, and we sat up. I didn't ask him about the finger thing. "Wow." "Yea wow. I want to make you say that word every day from now on." Wow again. "Here's your sock...I'm gonna put my clothes on." We both dressed in silence. We sat back down on the blanket and just listened to the night as the green glow of the lantern illuminated out shy faces. "Open the bottle, Aaron. I have something else for you..." He reached into the pocket of his jeans and handed me a new pack of cigarettes. Cool. I'd developed a taste for smoke and booze. "Before yesterday, I'd never had a drink or a cigarette." "Really? That's another reason you should stay -- lots of drinking in college." "Maybe in some places, but I'm staying in a dorm where no booze is allowed. I'll have a roommate, and I'm dreading that part." "You should worry. He might be awful." "He might, but you have to understand that my dad is selling the house. I couldn't stay home if I wanted to. There won't be a home to stay in." I studied Jessie's handsome face. He was thinking. "Would you like to go out on a date with me, Aaron?" "A date? Like a date date? Dinner and a movie date?" "Yes. But not a movie. You can't talk in a movie." "No...but you can hold hands." He smiled. "Yes. I didn't think of that. Get up, Mr. Romantic -- I will walk you home." "What about all your stuff?" "I'll get it later. I want you to rest up for our date tomorrow!" Tomorrow? So soon? We started heading back to the park entrance as we shared sips from the bottle of whiskey. "I have to tell you something, Jessie..." "Yes?" "I sorta promised my dad that he could meet you before we continued seeing each other." "Oh. What does he know about me already?" "Just your name...if he even remembers me telling him. He's a party animal this week." "Yes. OK. I will come by around 5 PM. Is that too early?" "No. That's a good time. We'll just stay a minute and then leave." And that's what happened. We all met the next day, and it seemed to go pretty well. Dad was maybe a little taken aback by all of the tattoos on Jessie's arms, but played it cool...even though I could read a hint of distrust in his expression. But dads did that, right? I'd never brought a girl home before -- so maybe he was just too new at this. The date was nice, everything I could have hoped for. We went to see "Rain Man" a few weeks later (and held hands through every second of it). Every chance he had, Jessie told me about how I shouldn't leave. He laid out so many awful scenarios that could happen to me. Not one conversation passed without us going into that. I knew he wanted me to stay, and I knew I wanted to stay. But my future wasn't here. A few sweethearts in my class were already engaged to be married, and I thought that was so stupid of them. Too soon and not smart. The world was out there. Jessie and I had sex almost every night that Summer. We tried a few different things, but always he did that thing with his fingers...reaching them in my mouth. Once, he wanted to see if he could get his whole hand in me and almost dislocated my jaw. He did it with his toes too. We never discussed it, but I think he was somehow trying to climb inside of me. Either that ...or grab something of mine to keep for himself. He sometimes joined Dad and I for our daily parties. One of the last times we did this, Dad seemed to openly resent Jessie's intrusion. "Hey, Aaron. Your grandpa sent you a nice check in the mail. Said it's for luggage and pizza." It was an 800 dollar check! Cool. I didn't even need luggage. Dad seemed pleased that I'd shifted my attention away from Jessie's hand on my knee. "Oh...and I went ahead and changed the terms of your trust fund. You get it now. It's already in your savings account. I'm moving soon, and you need it more now. You can even go get an apartment if the dorm is bad." Wow. Life was taking a sunny turn all the sudden. Jessie was silent. "I don't know what to say, Dad!" "Then don't. Your speech at graduation was so nice. You made me sound like a better father than I ever really was." We toasted all the happy news. I'd miss him so much when I left. Here were two men I loved...and I had to leave them. You could tell Dad had won the night tonight. Jessie was just a witness. "It's been a pleasure, Doug. Aaron and I and have a reservation at 7." We did? I didn't know anything about that. "Yeah...fine. But remember I get these last few says alone with my son. Alone!" Wow. If I still had a mother present, she'd be part of this illogical tug-of-war. "Let's go yo your room. I know the shirt I want you to wear." Jessie was giving me that look of 'go along with it'. "The blue-striped one?" "No. A different one. I'll show you." He pulled me up out of the chair and practically dragged me up the stairs. What the fuck? "Which shirt do you mean?" He closed the door behind us. "Any one you want. I'm sorry, but your dad was trying to own you tonight and doesn't know I already own you. All that money? He tried, but I won." "No, Jessie. He's just going through some stuff. I'm probably his only friend. Don't dislike him, please." "I know. I know. I don't. Get dressed and fix your hair...you know I don't like it when you use gel and slick it back like that. Go get ready and I'll deposit your check at the ATM for you. United Federal, right?" "Uh...yeah. Here's my card. The PIN is my birthday. Six digits. Remember it?...I can write it down." "I KNOW it, Aaron. Go get ready. Leave your hair dry-looking, okay? Hurry. I'll be right back." And he was gone. I should have walked with him. What if Dad was still awake, more drunk, and itching for a fight?? Jessie had a knife on him always. Fuck it. It was almost 6:30. I combed out my dry gel helmet and got dressed. I wore the leather loafers I'd never put on. Our last date. The end. I was so ready. I ventured downstairs to wait for Jessie and check on Dad. He was of course passed out on the couch with CNN blaring. Dan Quayle had said some retarded thing again as Jessie's car pulled into the driveway. He let himself on before I could open the door. "We're already running late, boy. Let's go." We stood on the porch for a second as the sun tried to set. I had this weird idea that it hesitated slightly just to watch what Jessie and I did next. "Boy? I'm a man, Jessie. Where are we going?" "There. Just there. Our last night together should not be wasted looking at menus and unfolding napkins. We're going to the park and have a very serious talk. OK?" "Sure." He held my hand in his big paw as we crossed the street. He was in a mood that made no sense to me. Wasn't this going to be romantic? We got to one of the nearest tables and sat. Serious talk? He let a long breath. "You're not leaving. Get that through your brain. I won't be without you, Aaron. I just...I can't. CanNOT!" "I love you, Jessie. But I have to go. There's no life for me here anymore." "YES! There IS! I am here. I am inside of you. How will explain your HIV to those kids up there?" "We've been through this. I'm leaving on Thursday. I'm ready." "I could kill you now -- you know that, right? I could kidnap you or other things. Don't cross me." Whoa. He sounded unhinged. "I'll come back to see you, Jessie. And you can visit me too. It's less than a two hours' drive." "No. Not options I like." "I'm trying, Babe. Look...we can spend the night in my bed tonight. Want that?" "Nope. We're done here. I'll help you pack your car on Wednesday night. We'll say 'good bye' and be done, but..." "But?" "Nothing. Go home. Get out of my eyes. See you on Wednesday. Go." Oh. My first boyfriend just dumped me. I'd survive. The next few days I spent with Dad. We drank and watched TV and smoked. I kept thinking of Jessie, but it was an aching thought I'd leave behind. So much was ending now...and I needed some beginnings. That last night in my childhood bed...I wasn't cold but I covered up anyway. I wished I could go back in time. He said he'd come over tonight to help me load the car, but never did. It was all done anyway. And then...And then I felt a hard knock on my skull. Blue fireworks exploded across my closed eyelids. I also smelled the rag over my nose. It was like sweet mold and then I was no more. What I mean is...I was somewhere else, a place where knowing things wasn't important.
  5. small town somewhere, 1978 I was one of the lucky kids in this country. I lived in a nice house in a nice neighborhood and my parents were still together. Our house was directly across the street from a big park that covered four city blocks. So much to be grateful for but I was a miserable kid. Looking back now, I think I was/am on the autism spectrum. I was not social at all. I hated everything and everybody. There was a nameless rage inside of me. All of my school pictures showed me with a scowl on my face, and it caused my mom so much grief. Unhappiness. Some kid in my class had his birthday party in the park I told you about. Mom made me go. It was all boys and the kid's mom hadn't really planned any activities beyond eating cake and opening presents which meant we had to come up with something to do. The alpha boys decided we should all race to the end of the park and back. I knew I'd come in last so I hid under a lilac bush while they ran up and down like idiots. Of course I was discovered and laughed at. I'd eventually grow used to being picked on. I never once stood up for myself or fought back -- which of course made me a perpetual target. My inner rage would always have some shame mixed in. That night a dinner I suddenly said "I'll be damned if I go to another party." I never used that word and was hoping it had some impact. Dad laughed and then got suddenly stern. "We don't use language like that in this house. Apologize to your mother." "I'll be FUCKED if I ever go to another party!" Uh oh. Dad stood up and slapped my head with his big, wide hand. "Go to your room. I don't want to see you for the rest of the night." Fine. I liked being alone anyway. I'd miss "Rhoda", though. Bullied at school, bullied at home. My life. ten years later A lot had happened by the time I became a senior in high school. Our town had grown by leaps and bounds. A wal-mart had opened and many of the small businesses downtown closed. The clothing places, the office supply store and our two bookstores were all gone in the span of six months. My dad was an optometrist and even he was hurting. He couldn't compete with wal-mart or the new Lens Crafters. There were more people and more cars every day. I got taller and started to develop a strong jaw like my dad. I wasn't bullied so much anymore because our whole class seemed to have suddenly realized that school wasn't real life, just a temporary part of it. Everything would be different soon. Preemptive nostalgia, I guess. I couldn't wait to get away. I'd been accepted to a decent college about 100 miles from home. I had great grades and was good at art. Maybe I'd be a designer or an art historian. I didn't care as long as I go somewhere and start over, be someone else. The senior class was going to have a keg party on Saturday night. Even I was invited. It was going to be at the same park which made me not want to go. I'd decide later. Things at home were different as well. Mom and Dad rarely talked to each other. Dad often sleeps in the guest room or on the couch. It all seemed to happen at once. Dad was more mellow these days, but also depressed. I should have reached out to them, but I was too involved with my plans to get away and acquire a whole new personality. Those last two weeks of school, I hardly ever saw Mom. It sounds stupid, but I was spending a lot of free time trying to have a different voice. I tried to talk with a slight Southern twang but it sounded stupid when I replayed myself on tape. I thought about a British accent and was planning to practice on the night of the senior kegger. Around 11:30 PM, I felt differently. The English accent was really a dumb idea. Something made me want to attend. Something was pulling toward Crofton Park. I assumed everybody was asleep as I crept down the stairs, but there were lights on everywhere. My dad was sitting in the kitchen smoking a cigarette and having a drink. Liquor. What's wrong with this picture?? I had never once smelled cigarette smoke in this house. "Aaron! You're still up? Come have a drink with your old man." He was only wearing blue jockey shorts. I'd rarely seen him so casual. I sat across from him and tried to make sense of all of this. "Dad? Are you OK?" "I'm great. Why are you all dressed? It's almost midnight?" He put down the glasses of whiskey and Coke. "Class of '88 is having a farewell party tonight...right across the street, in the park." The drink was strong. It wasn't terrible, but not tasty either. "Ah yes. Saying good-bye. I can't believe you're so grown. Jesus Christ." "Is Mom here?" "She's got a migraine or something. I left her in peace and having my own peace." He chuckled as if he'd made a joke. "How long have you smoked?" "About a year. Want one?" I didn't, but this was a special night somehow. He lit one for me. "We need music." "This drink is tasting better. I've never tasted alcohol before." "I know...and thank you. Thank you for not ever being a bad kid. I golf with a guy who's got three teens at home who are always coming home drunk or on drugs. Poor bastard has no idea what to do with them. We never had to worry about you." I was liking the whiskey and the smoke as well. "Dad -- I'm sorry." "For what?" "For being such a jerk to you and Mom all these years. For being a problem." "Stop! Becoming a parent is like going to a casino. A big gamble. I'm a winner. You're the goddamn salutatorian of your graduating class! I am proud of you." He made us another drink. We drank and smoked and had a good talk. He seemed to be wanting to say more. "What is it, Dad?" "Well... Your mom and I are probably going to move. I need to work in a bigger city. Nothing is for sure yet...and nothing will happen until after we get you packed for college." I guess I probably knew this would happen. We were all at a crossroad. "Do what you have to do, Dad. I'm an adult now." "How did all this happen? Everything is different." I started to think he might cry. "A lot has changed, but also...not so much." He forced a smile. "What time does your party start? I seem to remember a boy who said he'd be fucked if ever went to another party." That moment came back to me in a harsh flash. "It already started. I'm having fun at this party here." I pushed my empty glass toward him and helped myself to another cig. "OK. One more and then you should go see your friends. It's pretty warm tonight, so you probably won't need a jacket." Music would indeed be good right now...or TV. Something to gill the silence. "You and Mom will be fine. I'll be fine." The party had been going on for over an hour already. "Go. Take the bottle and the cigarettes with you. I've got so many packs stashed around the house. Your mother won't find them because she no longer cleans the house. I did your laundry and made your bed yesterday. Me. Can you believe that shit?" "Well, thanks!" "You need somebody around here who remembers they have a son." He went and crashed on the couch in the living room. I went out the front door and smelled the air. I had my smokes, half a bottle of booze and a longing for something. Something. But what? The dandelions in the front yard glowed like burning embers. I hadn't been inside this park since that dumb kid's party. It hadn't changed much. The playground was still sparse -- a swing set and a couple of teeter-totters. Some new picnic tables had been put in. The giant cottonwood trees were all here, giant and old. Some of these had probably been here since Lincoln was shot. Or longer. I thought about history and time as I walked to the very back of the park was. Noise, sounds. I saw the tiny orange glows of cigarettes dancing in the distance. There was laughter and the sounds of conversation. OK. I could do this. I'd never been to something like this. Hell, I'd never been to a single school dance or the prom. How is this done? The first guy I saw was Shane Davis. "What? You came?? Hey -- look who's here! Aaron!" Shit. A whole bunch of faces turned in my direction. Some friendly, shocked greetings rang out. I hoped I looked OK. Some girl was vomiting nearby. Shane was probably a good guy. He never had a girlfriend that I remember. You'd think this guy would be getting laid all the time...he'd become a full-grown man faster than the rest of us. I swear he wore size 14 sneakers in 7th grade. His only flaw was that he was a total band geek. He was an expert trumpet player, and hid constant practice had made his lips abnormally large for a white boy. It was a weird feature. "Did you walk here by yourself?" "Yeah. I just live across the street. Why?" "Why?! You don't get out enough, Aaron. This place has changed. Dude. It's called 'The Kill Zone' now. There's fags here, spreading AIDS. And drug dealers and gangsters." He saw the doubt in my face. "No, really. While you were studying, this town changed into a city. We're basically a suburb for Levitt now. You really didn't notice??" "Uh. No. I guess not." He noticed the bottle of whiskey I had. "Maybe you were too drunk to notice. Can I have a sip?" I let him take a healthy chug. "Damn! Who would have ever guessed you'd show up here with top-shelf booze?!" I lit a cigarette. "And you even smoke? Fuck, it's always the smart kids who surprise you." I offered him one. I saw those swollen lips in the flare of my lighter. That same chick was puking again. "Who IS that?" "Dawn. Troy dumped her tonight. He got a football scholarship somewhere in the South and wants to concentrate on working out this Summer. Idiot. He should have at least fucked a few more times. I'd give anything to get a piece of that." "She's free now. Go for it. She'd be lucky to have you." I can't believe I said that gay comment out loud. He was too dumb or drunk to notice. We continued to share the bottle for a bit in the glow of the light of the bonfire. I sensed a natural end to the conversation, and moved toward the rest of the crowd. I had a floating feeling. This was a fine night. Weirdly, everyone I approached seemed glad to see me. I chatted with Troy and congratulated him on his scholarship. "You goin' to Harvard?" What? "No. SMU. I don't even know if they have a football team." "They do, but it's Division II." some other dude came up at my side to greet me. It was Kevin -- one of the dumbest kids in the whole school. "Hi, Aaron! Remember that wire sculpture of a moose you made in 9th grade? I thought it was so cool." It was actually supposed to be a longhorn bull. Whatever. "Oh. Yeah." He told me he was joining the army in August. Good for him. People were starting to leave in pairs and small groups. Nobody by themselves. Finally it was down to about ten kids left. Everybody was buzzed at the minimum. Dawn, the puker, came to join our small group. She looked at me with a slightly confused expression and then said,"Your name is Eric, right?" "It's 'Aaron'. How are you feeling, Dawn?" "I'm great. Somebody should have brought food. You'd look so much better with a tan, Eric. You're too pale. I work at 'Urban Rays' and can get you a good deal." She started dancing even though there was no music. She was looking right at me as she gyrated like a stripper. Uh oh. I was afraid she's try to kiss me with her vomit breath so I led her over to where Shane was. "You two know each other, right?" And then they were all over each other. Dawn may have been drunk, but she remembered she had boobs. She offered up her treasures to a dumbfounded Shane. They made out passionately before heading into the shadows. My work here was done. The last three people were all leaving together and asked me if I wanted to walk back with them. "Is the keg empty? Is somebody going to put out the fire?" They were all drunk and just walked away. I stayed and watched the dying flames. Was I waiting to see Shane again? Maybe. It was all over and it like the final curtain had dropped. I figured it was time to drop all my high school crushes, time to go home and get ready for a new life. I was having a little trouble walking in a straight line so I decided to sit for a few minutes. I plopped down at the base of a giant cottonwood tree and let the park spin slowly around me. This was a great tree. I had to wonder if it had been alive when Lincoln was shot. Who knows? I lit another cigarette. Damn, I was liking smoking enough to call it love. Oh hell, I should just try to make it home. 'Kill Zone'? It was quiet and harmless here. My dad was big on home security and we had the brightest porch light on the whole street. I'd just go toward that glow when it got in sight. But as soon as I started out on my mission, a big arm wrapped around my neck and dragged me to the ground. My brain does this thing when something upsetting happens. I remember being in car accident when I was 10. Some guy had run a stop sign and plowed into our car. Mom was driving. When it happened, my mind went somewhere in the sky. I was up there in the ether somewhere, looking down and thinking this will all be okay. Maybe some guys from the party were just fooling around. No. That wasn't it. I could hear two or three guys talking in Spanish. A hairy forearm was held against my windpipe as I lie flat on my back. "Check his pockets, Tito." "He got nothing. No wallet. Just keys, a lighter and half a pack of cigarettes. Fuck." "Give me the keys. Where's your car, boy?" "I didn't drive. I walked here." My voice came out small and weak. "What the hell are you doing in the park at night? Looking for something?", a new voice asked. "My class had a party at the far West end." "Oh the party is just starting, my friend!" They all laughed and talked in hushed tones. I didn't take any foreign language courses in school...it wasn't required. "A white boy with no money? Let's just kill him now and go get some breakfast." "Not just yet, Enrique. Let Jessie and I have some fun with him first." "OK. You guys can do your gay shit with him, but I ain't watching." My mind went back up in the clouds. This would be over soon enough, and I would be fine. "Get on your knees and stay still. Don't say a word. Jessie, keep your hands on his back...all I want is a blow job tonight." The one named Jessie got behind me and held my shoulders with force. The remaining guy unzipped his fly and stood right in front of my face. "You're lucky that I'm not going to fuck you. I'm the biggest here and I would kill you with my dick if I raped you. Just suck me." He brandished a giant penis that gave off its own heat. It smelled of drugstore aftershave. I could do this...I wanted to do this. "And watch your teeth. If I feel teeth, it'll be your last second on Earth." The head of his giant meat brushed my lips. I kissed it and savored the taste (and the moment). He let out a small grunt and pushed into my mouth. Deeper. I did what I thought sucking was, mindful of my teeth. It felt like I was meant to do this. I got more into it. "No need to hold him any more, Jess. He likes my dick in his mouth!" The guy behind me stepped away. "OK, Tito. Just don't piss on him. I don't need to smell that when it's my turn." Tito pushed so far into my mouth that I couldn't even breathe through my nose. He pulled almost all the way out before plunging back in. I was gagging and that made him more excited. "Ahhhh! ...I'm going to give you this now. Swallow it all. If you spit out my kids, you'll be spitting your teeth out next." Then he shot what tasted like salty raw egg white into my throat and in my mouth. He slowly got softer and then my mouth was empty. "Not bad, kid. I've got good news and bad news and worse news for you. The good news is that I'm done. The bad news is that Jessie probably wants to fuck your tight little ass. The worse news is that he's got the gay AIDS in his cum. The good and bad news is that, even if he makes your blood sick, you're going to die now anyway." "Shut the fuck up, Tito. Here...take his smokes and go find Enrique." The guy with the big penis walked away, and I silently wished he'd come back and let me suck him again. I wanted to do that one more time before I died. Oh well. It was just the guy named Jessie and I left. He was a few inches taller than me and sort of husky. Big. "It's OK. I will make sure you get home alive. What is your name?" "Aaron." "Have you ever done anything with a man?" His voice was deep, but soft. "Until just now? No. I. I'm gay." "Me too. Mostly. Are you okay?" "Yeah. Are you going to fuck me now?" "No. I will spare you that. If you've never done it before, it will be all hurting for you." "But I want you to. Please?" "Are you sure? After what you heard?" He didn't wait for my reply and started taking off all his clothes. Even his socks. His dick was smaller than Tito's but still pretty large. I stripped down as well. It was weird to be naked outside...I think it was the first time I had. Jessie had dark black pubes, but the rest of his body was hairless. He was completely erect, as was I. "Now get down on all fours like a dog. Do you understand what I mean?" I did as told. The grass was soft and fragrant. Jessie got down behind me. He pushed a fat finger into my exposed butt hole. OW! I was alarmed and asked him to stop. "You must be quiet now or Tito will come back. Hold on." Suddenly, Jessie jammed one of his socks into my mouth. The taste was only a little bit foul. Whiskey was nastier. And then his hard penis slid past my butt cheeks and into my hole. I yelled in my brain, but just groaned with my mouth full of sock. I guess this was really happening now. I didn't retreat up to the clouds because I wanted to be fully here. I also wanted to enjoy this, but I hurt deep both inside and outside. Jessie just kept going deeper. This would feel better soon, right? Gays did this voluntarily all the time, right? It started to hurt less as he went faster and further. Jessie was by himself in all this...I was just a hole. "I'm close, hombre. I will pull out in time." I tried to say no, but it was muffled. I shook my head. "Oh...you want this seed? In you?" I made agreeable noises as best I could. "What? I..I can't...OH SHIT! I'm cumming!" He thrust deeper and then collapsed on my back. His weight forced me down, and I stayed that way until he pulled out of my insides. He took the sock out of my mouth and started putting his clothes back on. "Sorry for making noise, Jessie. I tried not to." "No problems. You made less noise than I thought you would. Why did you not want me to pull out?" I stood up and started getting dressed. "Because I'm going to be killed anyway. Isn't that what you gangsters do?" "Never call me that again! I may be in a gang but ... I am... I have a plan to get you home." I waited to hear it. "I have a knife and told them I would kill you, but the knife needs to have some blood on it..or at least this hankie does. They'll want proof. Are you bleeding down there...down in your butt?" I'm sure I was, but it probably wasn't enough to look like a murder. "Only a little." This was a surreal conversation. "Never mind. I'll take care of it." Jessie lifted his shirt, held his knife and made a six inch cut across his stomach. No way was all of this real. The cut bloomed a little bit of blood, but not enough. His body was busily clotting the wound. "Let me do it again." "No. Don't. Give me the knife." He studied me. Maybe he thought I'd try to kill him and make a getaway. But he just paused a second before giving me the weapon. I started to get facial hair when I was 15. I remember standing in the bathroom next to my dad as he tried to teach me how to shave. My first attempt was a disaster... I'd nicked my face so bad with the razor. I looked like I had been to war. "Maybe we need to get you an electric razor, Son. Wash your face and then put tiny bits of tissue on the cuts. The blood vessels in your face are very close to the skin and they bleed a long time." I rook the lethal knife and made a cut from my left ear to my chin. Damn! It was way sharper than I'd guessed, and I nearly went through my cheek entirely. "NO!" Jessie was shocked and couldn't muster another word for a few seconds. I felt a heavy flow of blood flow into the hollow of my neck. None of this was really happening. "Why? I mean..." "Give me the handkerchief, Jessie." I let my blood soak the rag before handing it back to him. The only illumination we had was from a mercury light a few yards away. But even in the darkness, I saw him look right at me with dark eyes as he touched the tip of his tongue to the bloody cloth. "Stay hidden and still. I'll be back." He put the knife in the hankie and walked away. Hide? I went a little way from our spot and lied beneath a bush. I pretended to be dead. I was on my side and I think I crushed a small snail under my right temple. Blood was still coming and it washed over my lips. I was supposed to be dead so I closed my eyes and imagined it. Maybe I slept..and dreamed a little. Heavy footsteps. "Aaron? Are you here?" I got up and brushed myself off a little. "Well?" "They left. They're going to get rid of the knife in Clinton Lake. They won't be back. Are you still bleeding?" "A little. It's OK. It'll stop soon." "I have your keys and cigarettes and the bottle. I want to keep the lighter as a souvenir. That okay?" Well, um...why? I was less drunk now, but my stomach boiled. "What do they think you're doing now?" "I told them I had to hide the body. Your body. Let me walk you home." He sounded happy. "It's right across the street, Jessie. You don't have to." "I want to. Slow down. We can talk and finish your booze. Can I have a smoke?" "Uh, yeah. You saved my life. It's the least I can offer you." "You saved your own life. You gave me your pureness -- if that's the right word. Or even A word. I never have boyfriends or go to bars. You haven't asked, but I'll tell you now that I got the disease in prison. I fucked and got fucked for 11 months. Life gives out some bruises at times." "What did you do?" "Not now. Yes, I'm in a gang... a group of us Puerto Ricans came down from Kansas City to see if we could recruit. Problem is that other gangs were already here. And also, nobody here does speed. We sell speed and a few other things. Your people are too Methodist for the hard stuff. Tito and Enrique are probably moving to Levitt next week. I don't know what I want to do." "For the first time in my life I know what I want to do. I want to move away from here, go to college and become a new person." "Stop. Why you want to leave?" "Not now. How is the cut on your stomach?" We stopped as he lifted his shirt. It was still leaking tiny droplets. For reasons I wouldn't understand until later, I knelt down and put my cut cheek directly onto his injury. We shared blood now. It was the most bizarre kind of bonding. I stood back up. "My house is just up ahead. The porch as bright as the sun." "OK. Let me ask -- is there anything that would make you stay?" I scanned my brain. "Nope. I want to go somewhere a be a different person." He grabbed my hand in the lit-up park entrance. "No. The person you are now is so wonderful. You are nice young man with a handsome face. The only thing wrong with you is that you look like a scary movie now. Your face is covered with blood -- yours and mine. Let me walk you to your door. That is a nice house, Aaron. You got brothers and sisters?" "No," I said as we crossed the street "Just me. I don't think my parents ever loved each other." I stopped talking and squeezed his big hand. "Come in the shadows for one quick minute." We stepped away and then kissed. My first kiss. He pressed his mouth hard onto my mine. It was pure passion, but it told me a lot about him. I now knew why people kissed. It was a form of communication. That's why mating couples did it. I pulled him back into some light and looked at his face. He was a little older, and had a beard with some sparse spots. Cute. "I should go now. Get some sleep, put a towel on your pillow. We will meet again." And then he vanished down the street. I wanted him to stay with me. I bent over and threw up in the tulips. I didn't take a shower like usual. I'd probably slip and break my arm. I just got naked and climbed into bed. My ass ached. I remembered being in first grade and being led down to the lunchroom for a booster vaccine for something. Small Pox? The needle was giant, and we all started crying. I remember how the shot felt. It was deep in my tiny arm...deep into the muscle. It was a new pain. It hurt on the outside and the inside. Jessie's dick had felt like that when Jessie's cock was in me. But better. After the bed spun for a bit, I fell asleep and dreamed about blood and blades. TO BE CONTINUED....
  6. (late 70's, somewhere in the Midwest) I was just a bored, stupid little kid living on a farm. Dad worked in the fields and I was pretty much left on my own while Mom ironed and watched game shows and stupid soap operas. We lived on a gravel road that had very little traffic. A farm truck now and then, but that's about it. You couldn't even see the closest neighbors' house. After all the Spring rain, the county would pour new gravel in late June. I was into rocks back then. I saw beauty in the little stones and inspected each one that caught my eye. At a certain time of day, I'd head home with my pockets full of fascinating little rocks. I'd do the same thing the next day -- because I stupidly believed the gravel was like ocean tides, with new ones washing up each morning. One day I wandered pretty far down the road. Maybe a mile or more. Here's where the story falls apart in my memory. I somehow blanked out that day, the day I went too far away. Here's what I know for sure happened. My head was hurt, broken, bleeding. Ask anyone who's had a concussion or brain injury, and they'll tell you that they remember very little about it. Same with people who've had shock treatment several times. The first thing I remember is a nurse handing me a little cup of chocolate milk. I remember doctors and a nice hospital bed. The scenes get shorter and smaller. Faster. There was a sheriff sitting in our living room talking with my parents in quiet voices. I remember opening my eyes and seeing an orange cat sleeping on my chest. Never saw him again. My memories got sharper as the year went on. I had a sixth birthday party. There was a chocolate cake and I got a rock tumbler, some new Hot Wheels cars and coloring books. I hadn't been to school yet -- which is probably for the best since I had a bunch of wicked scars on my head. It caused my wavy brown hair to grow in weird ways. I looked like a haystack. It was just one of the ways I was different now. I had dreams about grown men kissing me... Fonzie was in my closet and pulled me in so we could hug and kiss with our clothes off. Let me state outright that I don't believe brain trauma can change your sexuality. I think it may come off that way as I'm telling you this. I'm certain I was already gay in the womb. I started Kindergarten at age 7. I was only slightly bigger than everybody else. I had crazy hair, but the 80's had arrived and Mom just put mousse foam in it and worked into the spikes and organized chaos. I was a strangely fashionable kid in all through grade school. I had friends, and it was through some of them that I started to piece together information about what really happened to me. Kids overhear everything their parents talk about. Loose lips. It turns out I wasn't hit by a car, like I'd originally thought. I'd been attacked. ! I was in sixth grade by the time I knew everything. I was found in a ditch with my head bashed in. I'd also been raped in the butt. Everybody blamed gypsies. Gypsies were the boogeymen in are area. They were thieves and used drugs and murdered little kids who wandered off. They moved into rundown empty houses and then go steal everything. Both the guys and the girls wore earrings. I don't think I ever saw one. No one was ever charged and the case "went cold". So I finally knew what nobody who loved me wanted to report. Raped? I could barely believe that part. But I was now a teenager and other things were on my mind. I had a few wet dreams and figured out how to masturbate. I would get severe crushes on guys and have no idea what to do about it. I was moody as hell and not getting along with my parents. I always felt like I had the upper hand with them back then. I was saving my ace for the right time. Mom was on my casr about my messy room and my lax grooming habits. One night, at the dinner table, Dad was blathering on and on about my grades or some shit. "You roll your eyes one more time and I'll paddle your little butt." "My butt? The same butt that was raped when I was four? Is that the one you mean? Why didn't you tell me??" The room went ice cold. Mom got up from the table and went to the kitchen. "You didn't need to know. Once we realized you didn't remember anything, your mother and I thought it was best to just forget it ever happened. We wanted to move on." I guess he did what he thought was best, but I had already worked myself up into a major sulk. I felt entitled to pout and slam doors for a few days. The incident was never discussed again. By the time I turned 17, I got a driver's license and had liberal use of the second car we had. I also started a part-time job at K-Mart. I wanted to work in the stereo department, but they started me out at the registers. It was brainless (no pun intended) but the time flew by. At one employee meeting, we were told what to do if a family of gypsies entered the store. My ears perked up. Apparently, they were known to arrive in a large group and then fan out, stealing everything they could. There was a protocol for employees to follow if and when this ever happened. What I didn't know was a lot. What was their motivation? What did they look like? I wanted to know more, but nobody I talked to knew much more information than I did. Tammy often worked at the register next to mine. She was pure trash and not very well thought of. "Hammy Tammy" was what people called her out of earshot. I didn't mind her. She was pretty stupid, but fully who she was. No filters. No walls. During slow times, we were supposed to find something to do. But she and I just talked. You only had to know Tammy for about two minutes before you'd come to the realization she was a full-blown racist. That's not uncommon for this area, but she made no attempts to hide it. "Hey, Tammy. Were you at that meeting where they talked about gypsies?" It was early Sunday afternoon and completely dead. "Yeah. I've been here almost five years and have heard the same shit at least three times." "Are there any around here?" "Oh yeah," she cracked her gum "They're like roaches. One of the families or whatever lives down the road from my grandpa Ernie's farm. Never seen 'em in here though." "What do they look like?" "Various colors. Black hair. Could be they're Italian (she pronounced it 'eye-talyun') They don't look American. They smell bad and wear weird clothes. The women dress like sluts, but with a lot of clothes on -- if that makes sense. Lots of cheap jewelry. The men are always filthy, but try to look all sexy. Why?" "I've just never seen one." "Be glad. Hey-- are you 18 yet?" "Next month." "You lucked out. They're changing the legal drinking age to 19 next year. And then it goes up a year at a time. Ya'll are just one step ahead of it. We'll go out on your birthday and get good and drunk." I'd never even thought about drinking before. Not much anyway. It killed brain cells, and I think I was overdrawn as it was. I was actually 18 already, but I kept up the lie because I'd lived it so long. I could go home, open the fridge and down a beer in front of my mom and dad. But I had started to feel sorry for them. Mom never had another baby after me -- probably because I was such a tragedy. They also argued a lot. I decided they'd been punished enough, and so I tried to be a pleasant son. Tammy was making plans for my 18th (actually 20th) birthday. "We can go to The Crossing. On Meridian. It ain't bad. But you have to understand that I got a boyfriend now. Lucas, who works at the grain elevator. If he wants to go out that night, we can do it some other time." Tammy wanted a steady boyfriend so badly (as I secretly did). She'd end up getting used and dumped over and over again. It was a pattern she'd repeat until she got older and her heart would furn to ice. The night arrived and Lucas had blown her off. Tammy didn't take hints willingly. It was so weird to be feeling sorry for people after I'd spent so much time feeling sorry for myself. I picked her up at her trailer and opened the car door for her. She deserved to be treated like a lady once in a while. Her makeup was pretty heavy and it didn't quite come together like she thought it did. I knew she hadn't glammed up for me..but for the guys we might see at The Crossing. Maybe she knew I was gay...or maybe I just wasn't enough of the caveman type she preferred. "I like that shirt...but you shouldn't wear red. It's not your color. I'm gonna be a beauty technician one day. I'll help you pick out clothes if you want." The Crossing was not so bad. I was no fan of country music, but at least they mix in some Madonna once in a while. God love her, that bitch wouldn't go away. I asked Tammy if she wanted to dance. "Not now. I need to get a buzz first. Lemme go get us a pitcher." We drank beer and looked around. Tammy's eyes were like a spotlight scanning the crowd. Damn, this girl needed a dick. I guess I did too, but there were no gay dudes here. She put on her seductive face, but it was failing. "You come here a lot,Tammy?" She snapped out of her man-seeking trance... "Yeah. Always on payday...and some other nights when I'm bored. Do you play pool?" "No. I never learned how. My hand-to-eye coordination is pretty bad." She wasn't really listening. She drank beer so fast. I asked her what she was thinking. She seemed surprised at the question that probably had ever been asked her. "I...I think I'm sorry I forgot your birthday present. It's at home. I'm thinking all the girls here are skinny whores. I'm thinking I'm drunk now." She laughed and got us a third pitcher. "I've never been drunk before. Will I get sick? Throw up?" "It depends. We should go now anyway. I'm sick of this place." "Can you show me where those gypsies live?" "What? Why? We can go to that little bridge over the creek where the ghosts are." "Been there (I hadn't). I need to see those gypsies. " "OK. That could be spooky too. I won't get too close, though." We drove down a county road just outside of town. Tammy was a little confused and we briefly got lost. "Are we on the right road now?" "Yeah. That's my grandpa's house. He and his new wife stay up late. Just pull in and leave me here. I'll crash here and you go can go find the gypsies...about a mile that way. Be careful." She didn't even let me open the car door for her. She just got and puked in the grass. I made sure she made it up to the door before I pulled back onto the dark road. I felt drunk and something nameless. I needed a plan. Would I park somewhere and walk there to get a look? I was so out of it that I just parked in the driveway, headlights blazing. Stupid. I don't know what my line of thinking was. I needed to see them. It was a two-story stone house. It might have been nice a hundred years ago, but it was a little sad now. There was light inside, but it was very dim. I never had a chance to knock on the door because a tall, hefty male opened the door. I couldn't make out his expression or even features. in the shadows. What the hell was I going to say? "Hi...uhhh...I'm just..," "Come in! Ma Ma knew you would come this night. He's here everyone! The stranger in red has come to the door just like Ma Ma said!" What? The inside of the big front room had about a dozen people inside. The youngest were around my age and the oldest had to be in her 80's. Ma Ma, I was guessing. The smells were powerful and confusing. It was like a locker room combined with frying smells combined with something exotic. There were a few table lamps on with color scarves over the shades. I guess they had electricity. I felt like all the dark eyes look me over. "Bring him to me," the old woman said. She looked like a gypsy cliche...beads, bangles, big hoop earrings. If she'd had a crystal ball in her lap, the picture would have been complete. I was shy, but strangely not afraid around this group. "Good evening, M'am." "Yes. I knew you come to the door. You seek us long time, yes?" "My name is Alec. And...yes. How did you know I was coming?" "Your mind is not just your own, yes? I read you in last night's sky. Once you have spilled blood on the earth, it knows where you are and where you will go. Give me one hand." I timidly held my right hand out. I figured she would read my palm or something, but she just held it in her ancient fingers. "YES!", she croaked loudly "He has gypsy blood in him!" There was a chorus of cheers from the rest. I guess she might technically be right. Was I dreaming this? "I don't think so. But maybe." "I think so. You have much grief also." "Why?" "We talk more tomorrow if you wish. I need bed now." I helped her up from the worn-out recliner. "You are good man. The girls will help from here. Good night. Mr Alec." With a few nods and grunts, all the females in the room got up from their seats to lead her upstairs. They gave me smiles and sweet 'good nights' as they left. Ma Ma paused at the doorway. "You boys don't give him too much wine. He's already smell of drinking." And then it was just me and six men in the room. They seemed to relax after the ladies exited. A big bottle of wine came out, but no glasses or cups. We all just passed it around. They all removed their shoes and a few of them took off the shirts too. The guy next to me on one of the couch was maybe about 40 with a huge gut, covered with hair. His name was Gino and he gave off very friendly vibes. None of them had socks on and the smell of their feet filled the room. I guess it was a gypsy thing. I felt so Midwestern and American because there was no TV to focus on. I was asked many questions. "You work?" Gino was the first to talk. "Yeah. K-Mart. I might go to college next year." "Thone went to college one year. Right, Thone?" Thone was the youngest of the group. He had slick black hair that was dirty but looked retro-cool. "Yeah. So much pussy in college." "No. This man don't want the pussy! You stupid? Go outside and smoke." The guy yelling at him was the one who answered the door. Maran. He was a big man with a full beard. I think he winked at me. Not sure. Thone skulked away. The mood changed, brightened. More questions were asked. I told them about my life and about the K-Mart policy when it came to gypsies. "Oh, that shit store," a guy named Turro said with a laugh. "We already got somebody in there...an employee who gets us all kinds of stuff. He's a boyfriend Of Alana's." I mentally scanned the list of male coworkers and figured it was one of two guys. Gino was crowding closer to me. At some point, somebody brought out more wine and someone else lit a fat, fragrant joint. I'd never smoked it before, but made an effort. I was a gypsy now...Ma Ma had said so. The others drifted away to bed. I had no idea what time it was. Midnight? Later? It was just me, Maran and Dino left. "It's my birthday," I said for no reason. "Yes. Ma Ma knew that too. 20? You don't look 20. Too young and also too old for that number. But at least you are now old enough to suck a dick. You like to suck the dick?" What? This had taken a turn. "I never have." "You want to suck Gino and me? Nobody will see." I wanted to. I took a long drag off the joint. "I can try." Maran gave me the wine bottle one last time before stripping off his black jeans. Gino was already naked. I could tell Maran had authority here. His dick was shiny and super hard. And way bigger than my own. I kissed it like I was like I was kissing someone on the cheek. He urged the head into my mouth. OK. I could do this. He seemed to know my limit and didn't go any deeper. The taste was a little foul because he wasn't very clean. He pulled away. "I don't want to shoot seed now. Let Gino do that for you." That's all the invitation the fat guy needed. He poked me in the nose with his cock. It was as big as his brother's, but he had this hanging gut to contend with. I was into it now, though. I lavished his big meat with my tongue, mouth and throat. I wanted to please him so badly. He liked the extra attention and held my head as he came. I tasted sperm at last, but not really. I wish I could say it was rich and thick, but I felt it more than tasted it. It hit my back teeth and throat. I knew Maran was watching all of this. There must have been some silent communication between them because Gino immediately withdrew his slimy dick from my mouth and put his pants back on. He padded up the stairs quickly. His discarded shirt was still on the couch. "Let's sit and have one more drink of wine, yes?" Maran didn't bother putting his pants back on, and wandered back to the kitchen with everything exposed. I sat there and realized that I had just had some gay sex...I had sucked two cocks and had semen in my throat. It was sudden and I had no time to process it. Ma Ma must have seen all of this in the stars. "I brought you a cup, Alec." It was a tall plastic mug filled to the rim with wine. He seemed fine with just swigging right from the bottle. "Thanks. What time is it?" "The right time. Take some drink. I don't want to taste Gino's dirty dick when I kiss you. You like kiss?" "I've never kissed a man. Or a woman. I ..." "Yes. Tell me your story now. You wear a story like a heavy coat." I told him everything. The incident. My life." "I guess that's why I appeared here tonight. Or not. I don't feel in control now." "You are not in control. Life is. Let it take you for the ride. I must say now that it was most likely a gypsy man who did that to your young self. I am so sorry. We seldom get a chance to make sex. Some can't help but to do a rape. I have never one rime did that. Thone has. He kill nobody though. Do you believe you were killed?" I was taking big gulps pf the wine. I didn't taste the alcohol at all. "How can I have been murdered if I'm here right now?" I sneaked yet another look at his heavy, hairy dick. "Death and Life are always side by side. They cross over at times. My believe is that you are at the edge...especial after tonight." "What do you mean?" "This night, before the sun comes up, I will make you pregnant. I will give you a living thing that is a form of death. I will give you a baby from here." He grabbed his big balls. "Look now." I thought he wanted me to look at his balls, but no. He crossed his right leg over his left knee to show me a purple-brown sore on his ankle. I knew what it was, what he was telling me. It was a little over an inch wide. Oddly shaped. "Does it hurt?" "No. No hurt. It looks like a half a wishbone, yes? Ma Ma said my wishes were almost gone when I showed it to her. I think she partly blames herself. We were in the Chicago and I was doing bad things -- we all were. Talia got the abortion. Right before we come here I was sick so badly. I am better, but I have death inside me. It has just waiting to do. Tell me your thinking right now." I grabbed those giant toes and looked into his eyes. "I thought you said we were going to kiss." He smiled brightly. "Yes. Finish the wine with me. It is no allowed upstairs." We sat quietly and sipped. I wished so much there was a TV on. There needed to be a third party present...otherwise I had to deal with a large, handsome gypsy next to me. A man with AIDS who wanted to give me his babies. I tried to think of something to say, but I was too busy taking in every detail of his growing erection. I realized I'd take everything that weapon had to give. I tried to maintain some cool, but then he kissed me. On the mouth. Long and deep as we shared each others' breath. I'd never done this before. I thought my heart would explode. We devoured each other with intense kissing for almost 10 minutes. I no longer had free will as he led me up the creaking stairs. His room was a single. Lord only knows where are the others slept. There was just a mattress on the floor, although it was dully fitted with sheets, pillows and a comforter. It smelled strongly of body odor...but I kind of liked it. "How many pillow you use, Alec?" "Two. One under my head and one to hold." "I will give you one for the head and you hold me then." His big bare feet hung off the edge of the mattress. He put his arms behind his head and I noticed what an out-of-control bush he had in his armpits. He looked me up and down with a look that said 'get nude'. We were telepathic all the sudden. I mentally apologized for how skinny and pale I was. "Is OK. I hope I do not break you in pieces." I felt his feverish body heat from three feet away. I had a full-on boner and was a little dizzy. He motioned me to come lay down as he stroked his giant dark dick. I remember how much I liked sucking it before, and so I knelt down and took Maran's penis in my mouth again. It was so hard and seemed to have a life of its own. "You do too much work. Lay down and the dizzy will go away. Then I do the working for both of us." I lied back on my assigned spot with my one pillow. This was happening. There were no lights on at my parents' house, and they asleep with no idea where I was or what I was doing. "Maran?..." I felt a question in my head, but didn't have a way to ask it. "Shh. You never have done this, yes?" "No. I've never done anything...voluntarily." He was quiet for a few seconds. "It will be hurting very much. My first time taking the dick, I screamed like tiny girl." I somehow had forgotten how to breathe or blink. "It's okay. I want this," I said in my mind. "Yes. This house has many ears. My suggest is that you lay on your stomach...face in pillow." I did as told. "Take a deep breathe of air." He climbed on top of me. His giant body felt like a redwood tree made of flesh and fur. He pressed my legs apart with his full weight, and his dick pressed into my hole. NO! I lifted my head up and started to protest. He pressed my face back into the pillow. I inhaled the pungent smell of him as he kept pushing his giant tool into me. It was impossible pain. Literally. It wasn't possible to hurt this bad and still be alive. My screams went right directly into the pillow. "Yes. I am all the way in your insides now. Feels so nice. I will shoot seed very soon." He pumped and thrust and sweat. I wish I could say the pain turned to pleasure, but it did not. "Oh! Take these children...NOW!" He heaved one last time and was still. "Yes. Now we are family." I lifted my face off the pillow and groaned. "Did you like it?" "Very much yes. You have blood on you. The bathroom is just across from here. No hot water just now." I went there as soon as I could stand. It was like the rest of the house -- dim and messy. I was dripping blood and in pain. I mopped up a little with wet toilet paper. It took some time, and I was afraid Maran was already asleep. And he was. I lie next to him and listened to his breathing. Not one part of me was sleepy. He dozed for awhile and I stared at the moonlight dancing on the ceiling. We made love two more times -- the third time I was on my back. If finally felt good. I could see why people did this. I came twice that night. At some point, Maran got up and opened the window so that we could "sleep to the songs pf the stars". I hugged his big, musky frame until dawn. In the morning, I got up and dressed in the previous night's clothes. Maran was sleeping like a rock, snoring a little. Maybe I'd go out and enjoy the morning air before going home. I always had clearer thoughts outdoors. I needed to do some thinking now. But there were awakened sounds downstairs. Ma Ma and two of the females were making breakfast. That shyness I was cursed with returned. I didn't feel like I could just leave. I just walked into the kitchen and said "Good morning." The girls were delighted to see me, but the old lady didn't turn away from the stove. One of them started to pour me a cup of coffee, but Ma Ma stopped them with no words, just a gesture. She still hadn't turned to look at me. "He is no coffee. Leaves us for four minute." The girls giggled and breezed past me. Two of them went upstairs and two went outside. I knew they were all talking about me. Ma Ma finally turned and looked at me. "The stranger is still wear red. I can get you one of Thone's clean shirt. He is thin like you." "No. Thank you, but I am fine." "Not fine. Here...I brew you this tea. It help you heal. Stop the blood." She pushed a teacup toward me. It smelled nice. We sat across from each other at the table. "You are very kind, Ma Ma." "I know everything, Alec. I can see and hear things even in sleep. You need to say things now?" "I...No. I mean...." "Yes. Go on?" "I feel very different today. I think I love Maran." "I knew that. Love is what it is. My longtime dead husband and me had so much love we think we invented it. We did not. Maran is my oldest grandson. He has a golden heart and is a leader. One day I be underground and he will lead this family. He has claimed you now. He know your heart and thoughts forever...you give a man your blood and he is in it at all time. Drink your tea. It is no good when cold." I consumed the tea and her words. I wanted to rush upstairs and see my man. "He will be down soon. I fry ham and all get out of bed right soon." She could read my thoughts, but hers were unreadable so far. As the skillet heated up and the wonderful aroma drifted through the house, there were noises from upstairs. The men all lumbered down, wearing t-shirts and shorts. Maran looked so beautiful with messy hair and sleepy eyes. He squeezed my shoulder and took the chair next to mine. I mentally told me that I loved him. His voice was suddenly booming in my head. 'Yes. We eat some and then go out to walk. We can kiss once more and hold.' The end? Not quite. I was at the gypsy house more than my own in the following weeks. I was so addicted to Maran. There were a few days when I had to concentrate on finals and couldn't visit. I felt dead inside. But it all ended when I graduated. The whole family arrived and sat as close as they could. My parents must have known something....I hadn't talked about college or moving or anything like that. I took care of that the next day. I packed up a few things, withdrew all the college from my bank account, and moved in with my new family. We're in Alabama now. Maran and I are both healthy (me more than him). It's all good. It's better than good.
  7. I know some people hate...or even fear clowns. Blame "Poltergeist" and "It" for that, I guess. I was always ambivalent about them. I didn't find them scary or anything -- just boring. I remember going to a rich kid's birthday party once and there was a clown who made balloon animals for everyone. Big fucking deal. So whenever I talked to people who really hated clowns, I understood why. There's something "wrong" about them. The kid's birthday was a week before Halloween, and that was basically the theme. So, why a clown? Why not have a guy dressed as Dracula? Nine and ten year-olds would dig that. I wasn't scared, but kind of on alert. I studied "Buzz". I could tell by his neck and body that he was probably a young guy. The cynic in me was just starting to bloom in me back then. He probably hates this and is just doing this for money. He probably hated kids. Here's the thing about clowns: They can disguise their body, hair and face, but they can't change their eyes. I looked at his eyes -- which were greenish-gray and a little pink on the edges. I'd seen my dad's eyes all bloodshot on Sundays during the football time of year. Had Buzz been drinking? After he made us the balloon animals, he just walked around and tried to amuse us in person. Ugh. It was embarrassing. I gave off as many 'stay away' vibes as I could manage (a skill I've since perfected), but he still tried to engage me while some little girl puked in the rock garden. I stared hard into his face. "I have to go now." "OH! But the party is just starting!" His voice was like a teenager's. "Can't. My mom is waiting for me. Stay away from me." I stood up and decided to just go outside. Buzz leaned close to me. I smelled beer. "Have a nice day, you rude little shit." And I left on shaky legs. I missed the gifts and cake and everything. Fuck him. I was playing with that word a lot in my head. I heard kids on the bus say it all the time. A DECADE AGO God, so much has changed since those days. Cell phones and the internet have taken over. I live in a crummy little apartment, but still can get access to the world. I had a blog and Twitter and Facebook. 9/11 had happened during my last year of college. Now I was a photo editor for an upscale magazine. I could afford a better place, but that would mean packing and moving. No thanks. I also finally admitted to myself that I was gay. I didn't know any gay people though. Most of my friends were from work, people my age or older. But they were starting to marry off and move away. Whatever, I was a virgin with the big 3-0 on the horizon. I had built up a pretty nice porn library on my computer. God, my jacking-off was out of control! A more mentally-healthy person would probably go out and try to have a boyfriend, have actual sex. Not me. That would take too much effort, whereas a porn video was quick and easy. I was obsessed with the computer and mass media in general. Many of my internet 'friends' were followers of my blog. Some of them were asking me if I'd seen "The Killer Clown". ? Apparently, there was some guy in my city that dressed as a clown and would lurk around at night and creep people out. I guess maybe I'd heard of this before, but never paid much attention. The computer had made everything a trend -- a trend that was forgotten in a week. What I didn't know was why he was considered a 'killer'. After some poking around, I found out that he had raped some young woman and given her HIV. Youtube had a video of the newscast where she was interviewed. Her face was shadowed. "I was coming back from my aunt's house and took a shortcut through Washington park. This f(bleep)ng clown is standing there, lookin' all crazy and s(bleep)t. I ignored him and kept walking. I was almost to to McGee Street when I was grabbed and raped right there in the leaves and s(bleep)t. I didn't tell nobody because who's going to believe I was raped by a clown? About a month later, I got real sick. My boyfriend and I were trying to have a baby so I went to the doctor and he said I had the AIDS virus." Wow. Most of the guys who did this were just doing it as a goof. But here was an a rapist and potential killer (if she died). I got obsessed with the story. Killer Clown was known to appear in three different parks. One of them was right across the street from my building. Lewis Park. A bad idea was forming in my head. It turned out to be a great idea, but I was feeling uneasy at the time. Unsure of my motives. I needed to get him on film. My employer wouldn't be interested, but my blog buddies would dig it...and maybe it could turn into something and I'd get job offers. I'd gone to school to be a photographer, but these days I spent all my work time trying to make other people's pics look better. It wasn't hard, just defeating. I accepted it. Some people aren't born with the eye for photography. I had a fancy new digital camera that I never made friends with. It was complicated and the flash was weak. The old-fashioned 35mm camera I'd bought in high school was so much better. I knew that thing so well, and could adjust the f-stops and the shutter speeds with my eyes closed. It was my trusty old friend. I had a few beers before I ventured out that Monday night. I put another two in my camera bag for later and just wore the camera around my neck. I felt like a real journalist. The park on Armor Boulevard was surrounded by an old iron fence. I guess this area had been pretty decent in the old days. My apartment building was once a high-end hotel. Now the neighborhood was pretty ghetto. Drugs and hookers and shootings were just part of the scenery. It was very early Fall and the smell of approaching cold was there if you stood still long enough. I followed a little path and found a bench to sit on. I listened to the wind and watched the shadows. This was a perfect night to see a spooky clown. I fiddled around with the camera and made sure the flash was charged. How long should I wait? Maybe I needed to move closer to the sidewalk. I decided to move and look around more...be 'investigative". I took a few test shots of the trees as I casually walked deeper into the heart of the park. The wind picked up a bit, and I wished I had worn my jacket. There was a statue of the Lewis guy this park was named for. I knew nothing about local history. Like the guy from "Lewis and Clark"? The explorer? I should have taken more than art & design courses in college. Too late now. As I thought more about this, I saw movement from behind the monument. I stopped breathing as a clown appeared. It's him! I stood still. He was very tall and had the typical clown costume and makeup on. The only inauthentic thing was his shoes. They weren't the round, knobby ones that most clowns (including Ronald McDonald) wore. ..just regular Converse sneakers. He stood there and looked at me. He made an exaggerated shrugging of his shoulders. I just called out a casual "Hey." His voice was deeper... "Why are you here taking pictures?" "Dunno. I guess I want to make both of us famous. I'm a photojournalist (lie)". "Not with the cops?" "No. God, no. I'm nobody, but YOU are a legend. I can't believe I found you on my first try." "You just want some pics? Of me? Okay. What do you want me to do?" "I dunno. Clown stuff? Do whatever you usually do." He pulled colorful scarves out of his hand and hammed it up. I got some really great shots. I wanted a close-up of his clown face. "You can write what you want, but you can't say where I am and you can't interview me. There's one bitch who claims I raped her, but that's not what happened." "I heard about that. What really happened?" "You heard already? And your here? Think I wouldn't rape your little boy hole?" I felt my spine freeze. "What actually happened is she wanted to blow me, and then got all horny. I fucked her so hard. I didn't tell her I had AIDS -- which I guess is a crime." I kept clicking away. "How long have you had the virus?" "No idea. I just know that everybody I fuck - even once - comes down with it. I'm a public menace." "Why do you do this clown thing?" I noticed he had some facial stubble, and the white makeup on top of it was disturbing. "Why not? It's something I wanted to do. I bet your running out of film by now." I was, but I had a new roll packed away and had alreasy taken some great shots. "Yeah. I guess we're done." "Good. I need to take a piss and have a smoke." The temperature must have dropped because I started to shiver. He pulled out an impressive semi-hard wiener and let his urine splash loudly against the stone base of the statue. I made sure to get a picture of that. For me. I had a quick realization that I found this clown very hot. All of my mixed feelings made sense now. "I guess you can't publish that one." He laughed. "Nope." He finished up and lit a cigarette. "Have a cig with me, kid." I didn't smoke, but I wanted to smoke now. More than anything in the world. I remembered the beers in my camera bag and handed him one. He seemed delighted. "If I hadn't been here, would you have sat here a drank these yourself?" "Who knows? I was ready for anything." "Anything, huh? Quick question....why did you want a picture of my pissing cock?" "I....uh...well...I liked seeing it and wanted to remember it." "You a fag?" "No. Well, yes. Not a practicing one." "It's cool. I fucked and gave been fucked by guys ever since I first grew pubes. Maybe that's why I always felt like life had put a "kick me" sign on my back. Clowns live to be made fun of." I thought that made total sense. "But why don't you wear clown shoes?" "Shit. I was afraid you'd ask that. They don't make them in my size. Seriously. The shoes are oversized, but the insides only go up to 13. I have to wear a size 16 because I've got these damn finger toes." Damn. I wanted a picture of them. "I've got a fresh roll of film. Can I take a few more pics?" "Yeah. I've more to show you, little stupid kid. You want to see my big dick, don't you?" "Anything." He opened the fly of his baggy clown pants and let out a dragon cock that was so hard and thickly-veined. Jesus. "Here you go. Imagine this in your little ass." I did. I used up half the toll just on that impressive penis. And then he climbed out of his baggy clown clothes, and stood there naked. He turned and let me get some pics of his hairy ass. He was thin, but not very in shape. "Let me get a few photos of those famous finger toes." "Oh Hell. OK. They're ugly and not very clean, though. I've got this toenail fungus or something." He slipped out of his sneakers and they were indeed pretty bad. His disturbingly long toes looked like they were fighting each other. Most of the nails looked yellow and gray and damaged. I sat at the base of the statue. "Lift you leg and show me the bottom of your foot." "You're a damn freak, kid. I'll lose my balance if I stand on one leg. Let me lie down and you can get pictures of both of them." We moved deeper into the shadows and he made a pillow out of his clown jumpsuit. "Kneel down." I did, and got some nice pics of his bare soles....one of which is still my screen-saver. And there was an odor which I didn't mind at all. I left the camera at my side and started sucking his sick toes. "Holy Fuck! Nobody has ever done that to me. You are a keeper, kid. Better stop now or I'll jack off all over us." I dropped his foot and lied down next to him. ...shoulder to shoulder. "Thank you, Mr. Clown." He chuckled/ "Call me Reggie. Reginald. You can'r report that. What's your name?" "Scott." "Well, Scotty. I need to fuck and I need to cum. Bad!" "Yeah." "I guess you'll let me fuck you, right?" "Oh HELL yes!" And then it was a blur of heat and skin. His heavily made up face was right over mine. I could smell his breath and the makeup. That stuff on his face smelled like art class in grade school. He was a big guy who I let pull my pants down. He worked quickly. I basically gave him permission to rape me. And he tried. But his meat couldn't push in at first. I disappointed both of us. "You're too small for me." I wanted this so much. "Take me. Rape me...like you did that bitch." What the hell was I saying??? "I'm going to have to. It won't last long. Breathe in and out. Again. When you breathe out the second time, nod your head. I did. And then he ripped me in half with that sword nature had given him. I yelped for a few seconds. He leaned down and covered my mouth with his. Hid hips thrust quickly. It felt like my insides were useless now, broken and ruined. "Relax, Scotty. It's almost....AHHH...Here's my cum!" I didn't feel his dirty seed shoot inside of me. but my hands were on his butt and I felt the energy leave his body and release. He stabbed it a few more times. "Shit, yeah." The middle of my body felt sore, like I'd been punched. My ass was on fire. "That was amazing, Reggie." "Oh, man. I came so much...you got the deluxe load. Got any more film left?" Huh? "I think there's a few more frames. Why?" "Because I'm pretty sure my dick and crotch are covered with your blood. Don't you want a shot of that?" Oh God, yes. I painfully got up and took some last photos. In the flare of the flash, my blood looked so red and so bright. Was I going to bleed to death? "It's getting colder. How long into the year do you do this?" "I just started last April. I always planned to make Halloween night the last one. But now...." "But now what?" "I think I'm done. After this, I don't need anything more." Wait....was he serious? "Get dressed and come back to my place. I'm right across the street. In The Newbern." "You want to walk in there with a dude wearing a clown outfit? A dude who just raped you?" "There's a stripper and two drug dealers on my floor. Everybody minds their own business." So I took the 'Killer Clown" home. We showered together and I finally got to see his natural look. Pale, curly hair and not much of a chin. I thought he was beautiful. Perfect. I was carrying his child now. We ended up being exactly what the other needed. To this day, I still sometimes call him 'my big clown'.
  8. Moderator's Note: I posted a copy of this without the white background below, if this is hard for you to read. Please leave your votes here for Toon. (late 70's, Georgetown) I was a "latchkey hid" before that term was even invented. I went to school each day with a key held around my neck through a long shoelace. Mom worked at a dry-cleaner and came home tired and smelling of the chemicals they used. Our crooked, little house smelled like those chemicals mixed with cigarette smoke. Mom never smoked until after my dad took off and left us. I wish I remembered more about him -- all I can picture now is a bum, which is my mom always referred to him. If I wanted money for a record or a poster, Mom always said " Go find your bum of a father and ask him for money." I wondered if my father looked like the hobos I's seen in cartoons. Did his clothes have patches on them and did he carry a stick with a rag tied to the end? Did he eat food out of cans by a small bonfire? I was 10 years old and alone most of the time. I was a quiet kid who took everything so seriously....well not quite. I didn't always listen to Mom's instructions. She demanded that I start in my homework as soon as I got home from school. She especially didn't want me wandering off or getting in danger. We lived near the river. The Potomac. You could smell it from my front porch. Kids drowned there every Summer...or so Mom said. No parent would ever say "Go ahead and hang out there." But lots of kids went anyway. It was cool and green down there...and interesting. At least I thought so. There were so many little foot paths leading from the street down to the river. I would wander down there when I was feeling brave. I knew to look out for boards with nails sticking out. I knew to watch for "trampers" -- tramps who would settle along the grassy banks. They were traveling up and down the river, looking for a break in life. I'd see them begging on the street sometimes...and I wondered what stories they had to tell. They usually had long beards and smoked cigarette butts off the ground. Mom said that most of them had escaped from prison and would try to kill me. I doubted that. So I was walking along the river one early September day. School had started, but it was still hot. Once school started, Summer was over in my mind. We were learning to memorize all the presidents in order. My class had been instructed to memorize lots of things - state capitols, The Gettysburg address, lots of shit. So I stared down at the muddy path and ticked off the first twelve presidents in my head. I always got stuck after 12. There was a spot near here that was legendary...The Three Sisters. They were just big boulders in the river...supposedly haunted or something. Older teen guys used to go swimming there. I guess they just showing their bravery or something. Tempting fate. I just knew that there was a shady hidden place in the weeds where I could watch them...their broad, bare shoulders and deep tans. They yelled and said cuss words and I wished so bad that they would get naked. I knew better than to go into the water there. The Potomac was calm and still as a skating rink. But, underneath, there were swift whorls and currents that could drag you under. The three sisters wanted some company. I understood that, I guess. I believed in ghosts back then -- which made this more thrilling. I doubted the sisters wanted someone like me. I was nobody. I was nothing. Going further up river, the paths were less distinct. I would be in so much trouble if Mom knew I was out this far. But I did it all the time, daring myself to go a little further each day. I found a baseball once. It was practically new...just a greenish black scuff that looked a little like a screaming face. I also saw a used doctor's needle, and made a long step away from it. At one point there were no paths anymore. I just threaded through the thick trunks of the water-loving trees. Mom never got home before 7. I had time to keep going. Then I saw a long bank of short weeds...and there was a small group of 'bums'. Maybe I'd find Dad. They looked dirty and a few of them had their shirts off. I watched from a little shady hiding spot. They cussed a lot. One guy who was tall and had a full beard took off his pants and went into the water. I saw his bare butt, and I had a feeling. He didn't go out far into the battleship gray water. Maybe he was just getting a bath. He came back up to the shore and I saw his wiener...another feeling. They passed a bottle of what I knew was alcohol. A few more got naked and went for a quick swim. I watched their nakedness and listened to their laughter and dirty talk from my hiding spot. What would happen if they saw me? Would they kill me? I doubted it. But I didn't want to chance it. The shadows were getting longer and I knew I should head for home. I walked past the The Three Sisters and the teen boys horsing around. By the time I got home, Mom was already there. Uh oh. "Where you been, Benjamin?" "Just walking and trying to memorize the presidents in order." "I made tuna salad. A lot of it. We'll have sandwiches for dinner. Go wash your hands." It was my fault. I went to my friend Kenny's house the other day and his mom gave us tuna salad sandwiches. I asked Mom if she could make it, and she certainly did. A big plastic tub of it that would be around for a long time. I suddenly didn't want it anymore. The next day, I was so overwhelmed with thoughts that were strange and exotic. An idea was forming. Those guys were so thin and probably hungry. I could go make a bunch of sandwiches and take them to the hobos. Maybe they'd be my friends. Maybe. Something else was in my motives, but I didn't know what it was. So I got home and opened a new loaf of Sunbeam bread and made eleven sandwiches with that tuna salad. I put them in a big brown bag from the grocery store. I was focused on the Potomac hobos, but one of the beggars on M Street looked so thin and unhappy, that I gave him one of the sandwiches. He was gaunt and looked near starvation. How can anybody be hungry with all the food we had in this town?? It made no sense. The temps were in the mid-80's that day. Warm for this time of year. The gnats were thick around the three-foot tall weeds. There I was... a stupid kid, carrying a bag of sandwiches to a bunch of hobos who might murder me. But probably wouldn't. Mom always told me I had no common sense..just like my bum of a father. Maybe I didn't. I saw the crowd of trampers in the same spot as the day before. Weren't they supposed to be tramping, traveling, moving on? Maybe they heading South, following the last of Summer heat. Then I had second thoughts. This was kind of dumb. I could leave now, but what would I do with the sandwiches? I couldn't throw them away because I was always taught that wasting food was a sin. These guys needed food....maybe I could just leave it nearby. Too late. One of them saw me. "Hey. You there. What you doin' here?" I was busted. Just a dumb kid carrying tuna sandwiches. The guy who saw me was a large black man, wearing only wet jeans. I had to do this. "Hi. I'm Ben. I saw you guys the other day and thought you might like some food." I held the bag in front of me like it was a white flag. "Perfect timing, kid. What you got?" I handed the bag to the nearest bum guy. "It's tuna salad sandwiches. It's pretty good. My mom made it." I was surrounded by men with no shirts on, some black and some white. One guy had no clothes on whatsoever, with his big penis dangling between his legs like a Christmas ornament. Short, tall, hairy, smooth...they all reached in the bag and devoured what I'd brought. "Well, thank you, little man." The others mumbled thanks as well. I sat on the ground with them as they ate. One guy who was covered with red fur offered me a sip from his bottle, but I didn't take one. One smell of that on me and Mom would go ballistic. My dad was a drinker according to her. "I need to go home now. It was nice meeting you." "Okay. Cool. Come back any time. You're our friend now." Mom could barely believe I'd eaten all the tuna salad. She believed I'd consumed all that. "I'll make more next time. You are a growing boy and I knew you'd find an appetite eventually. I guess we'll have hamburgers tonight." One image I'd always have of Mom was of her frying ground beef patties with a cigarette in her mouth. I kept taking whatever food I could find in the house to the new friends I had made. I took the big jar of chunky peanut butter my mom had bought on sale. I spent my allowance on beef jerky and Fritos to bring these men. It wasn't long before I was one of them. I knew their names and was used to their nudity at times...but I still looked. Then it got colder and the trampers moved on. Damn weather. But there more of them each Summer. New hungry friends. Once I became a teenager, I stopped wandering along the river. I just wrote horrible poetry in my room and sulked...constantly. Mom was so fed up with me. (late 80's, Georgetown) I graduated and went to a really shitty community college. It was a long, one-story building that looked like a strip mall. It was only ten blocks from home. Mom had gotten older and those dry-cleaning chemicals had gotten to her. She coughed constantly and lost weight. I look back now and wish I'd been a better son. I was just too involved with my own brain. I was gay and had no idea what to do about it. The counselor at my school suggested I try an anti-depressant. No thanks. I wore my depression like a comfortable sweater. He didn't seem to understand me. How was this guy even qualified? "You need to think of others. Go outside of your head." "Like how? Work in a soup kitchen or something?" "That tone of yours -- lose it. Now. Volunteer for something. Be selfless. Spending all your time alone is not going to get you anywhere...not personally or professionally." He dug through his messy desk and found a folder of places that were always needing volunteers. "Now, I wouldn't recommend "Big Brothers"...they won't accept gay men. No getting around that, I'm afraid." Had I told him I was gay...or had he just guessed -- like Mom had. She was accepting as long as I didn't tell her anything about it. I took the folder home and went through the papers. I figured I could go pick up litter or bring food to old people. There were several places that seemed particularly in need of money and people....the free clinic, the AIDS hospice, and the AIDS outreach program seemed the most desperate. I knew from watching TV and reading the paper that this disease was pretty prevalent along the East coast now. I knew about it, knew how you got it. It was scary, but I was too involved with my own dark thoughts to think much about the outside world. I decided to avoid anything that involved patients. I wanted to avoid needles, pee and poop smells. The next afternoon I went to check out AIDS Outreach. It was in a pretty run-down building not far from me. It looked deserted from the sidewalk, but this was the right address. The door wasn't locked, but it was kind of dim inside. Then I met "Filly". "Hi. Can I help you?" A very effeminate young man greeted me. "Hi. I'm Ben. I came here to volunteer." I purposely tried to make my voice deeper. I didn't give off the gay vibe like that, did I? He introduced himself as 'Filly' which could have also been "Philly", short for "Phillip" possibly. I didn't ask. "Sorry it's so dark. We desperately need new fluorescent tubes. Got any money on you? Just kidding honey. Here, fill out this application. Application? To work for free? Whatever. I filled out the page and gave it to Filly. "Thanks, Sweetie. We just need your contact information. Are you gay?" "Um. What? Yeah. Why?" "Just checking. We sometimes get bible-thumpers show up and all they want to do for people is go tell them to accept Jesus. I swear." "What do you need me to do?" "I'll give you a quick lesson...we try to stem the tidal wave of new cases. I like your shirt, by the way. Our volunteers go to where the most vulnerable people are. We hand out condoms and pamphlets and tell them where to go for testing. We sometimes go and give talks at schools, but not that often. Our main focus is the front line. Get to those most at risk." "OK. When do I start?" "Well, I would say 'right now', but you have nice clothes on, and you look clean and shaved. You'll be going to some filthy places and sometimes the people there don't trust us right away. You have to change first...and put on a baseball cap if you have one. Then you can go out to K Street. Wait. No. That's a rough part of town and I'll send Peaches there. She outweighs you by about a hundred pounds and carries a knife. Sammy is already at the park with the hookers, which leaves you with the river. There are a lot of homeless man down there. They are mobile. If we can get to them before they pick up the virus and spread it, we're doing our job. But you really have to change. Don't wear good shoes. Those guys shit wherever and you don't want to step in that." "OK. I'll do it." My old haunt by the river. Filly gave me a plastic bag with rubbers and information cards. I didn't feel like changing clothes. I mean, anyone who didn't know to look down and watch where they walked had no business going anywhere. I stopped at a dumpy little convenience store and spent all the money I had on snacks, jerky and sodas. These guys had to fight hunger before they could fight anything else. It all came back to me as I went down the weed-choked hill. It was the same. The same shades of green and gray. The Potomac flowed silently by, waiting to claim victims and cause grief. My guess was enough drownings had happened that kids no longer found it thrilling. Finally. I found a neat little path that had most likely been made by the bums or the vagabonds or whatever they were called now. I sensed them before I saw The Three Sisters. Hello again, ladies.Then I heard talking. Already? They were never this close, but sure enough, the guys were here already. Goofing around a sharing a bottle -- as if no time had passed in a decade. There about six men...looking exactly like the friends I'd made here as a boy. Except I wasn't spying this time...I was volunteering. I just approached the and said, "Hi guys! Nice day, huh?" They stared and sized me up. "Whatchoo want here, boy?", a hillbilly-looking guy asked. "I brought you some lunch. Hungry?" I opened the bag of food and they hesitated only seconds before tearing into it. Everything was gone in a flash. One of them kept an eye on me. "What's in the other bag?", the suspicious guy asked. He was wearing overalls with the legs cut off into shorts. No shirt on underneath and no shoes. All of them were barefoot. I guess they needed to save their shoes for all the traveling. "Well..um...I also brought some things you might want. Or need. Condoms." I had no idea what their reaction would be. The overalls guy walked right up to me and stared me down. Oh shit. "Condoms? Like rubbers? You think we all out here fucking each other??" "No. Not at all. I just...well..I know they're expensive to buy...and...well." "Why? Do you want us to fuck you in the ass?!" He seemed mad for some reason. "No. Look, I just thought I'd offer. I'll go now." The river was dangerous in so many ways, but I had never feared it as much as I did now. . "Goddamn, Sully. Leave the kid alone. He's good people." A large bear-like man had spoke up. "Nah. I'm just jokin' him, Yawman. I'm jus' jokin' you, boy. Matter of fact, we corn-hole each other sometimes. It's not gay, it's just survival. Except Yawman...he's too proper. Plus his meat is too big for nobody to go near." The others laughed and the big Yawman looked down at the ground. "Lemme see those rubbers." I opened the bag and handed Sully a dozen plastic-wrapped condoms. This was uncomfortable. "What the fuckin' hell? Are these for little baby dicks?" "They're standard size...they stretch." "Hey guys -- look at these mini-rubbers the kid brought us! Let's see if they fit." He opened the fly of his overalls and let his dick hang loose. "Open it for me, boy." I had no experience with condoms, but I knew enough. I opened them all for the group. They all dropped their jeans and shorts (except for big Yawman). They laughed and tried to fit them on their soft dicks. I should have mentioned that a penis needs to be erect first, but I was too busy looking at all those genitals. They guffawed at how the condoms could barely fit on their soft, hat heads. "Yawman would need five times this size, right dude?" The big guy kept looking at his big, bare feet."Take that giant thing out...this'll be funny as shit." Yawman looked at the others and sighed. He dropped his filthy jeans, and showed the biggest, hardest cock on Earth. Sully walked over and held the new rubber up to the guy's hard-on. That drew laughs from the bunch. The big man looked at me with an embarrassed expression. He brought his jeans back up on his hips. "Well...use them if you need to. I'll come back next week if you're still here." Yawman finally spoke. "Nope. We're headed South tomorrow. But come tonight....we're having a bonfire and getting drunk. Come back after dark and bring booze if you have any." I saw a tiny flash in his dark brown eyes. Why was he homeless? He could speak well and would be so handsome if shaved the beard and cleaned up a little. I could see him as a senator or an attorney. And....and that dick! I had no idea they were made that big. I felt my own dick getting stiff as I walked home. The Three Sisters mocked my boner. I swear I could hear ghosts laughing. Or it was the wind. I got home and Mom was making dinner for us and her new boyfriend. He was an old guy with a gut and a love for whiskey. I wondered why she'd go for another alcoholic, but she was lonely. "Go wash up. Benjamin. We're having pork roast tonight. It's Winston's favorite. You look sun-burned. Be ready in ten minutes." It was a sad dinner. This Winston guy was loaded and nodding off while he chewed. They'd be going to bed early. And they did. I read "Junkie" by William S. Burroughs until the sun went down. The house was quiet except for the snoring from Mom's room. I snuck into the kitchen and found an almost full bottle of brown liquor. I assumed it was whiskey. There was a crow on the label. I raided the fridge for leftovers and put it all in a bag. I had a party to attend! The moon was pretty full and unobstructed by clouds. The night air was alive with the sound of insects and bats.My hometown had never seemed so energized before. I felt like I was barely touching the ground as I walked down to the river. I was on auto-pilot. The moon glowing off the river's surface was downright beautiful. It was okay for me to be here. I had only one word in my mind: Yawman. It didn't take long before I saw the yellow=orange glow of a fire along the bank. The guys had started the farewell party. The gang was there, standing around and passing a bottle...laughing and cussing. Yawmen was at the far left. I just went up and stood next to him. He grinned...and I noticed he was missing a few teeth on the bottom. I handed him the bag of booze and food. The bottle was more important to them than the food. I even took a few sips myself. It was a party after all. I felt a little drunk. I couldn't hoot and holler with the abandon these guys did, so Yawman and I made small talk. "Thanks for coming out tonight. I was hoping you would." "Where are you headed next?" I missed him already. "Who knows? Sully hasn't even decided if which direction we're going to go. September is a tricky time. There's more day work up north, but it will get cold soon. I'd rather be warm. My health ain't that great. I get tired and weak way sooner these days. And I got these sores appearin' on my stomach and legs. Look, there's one on my big toe." Sure enough, there was a raised reddish-purple spot on his massive foot. It looked ominous in the dancing light from the fire. "Well, you probably need better food or vitamins or something." He chuckled. "Or something is right. I bet it's cancer. My dad died of it when I was little, and then my sister got it. You can't change the hand your dealt. The bottle is coming around again. I'm partied out, but you should have some more." I'd do anything he asked. "Okay, but not too much more. I don't drink." "Good for you, Ben. Look at these guys. They're getting wasted. Question is -- are they going to fall into the fire or go start fucking first." The crowd had kind of dispersed. "Is it really true that you guys have sex with each other?" "Yup. This is a crazy,horny bunch. I never get to fuck anybody because of my size, but I've been on the receiving end lots of times...ever since I took to the road at 17. I'm dying to fuck somebody." "Wow." I had nothing to add. We just watched the flames until it was just us left. There was a splashing sound. Somebody had decided to go for a swim. Dumb. "I need to lie down for a little bit. Want to come with me?" God, yes I did. "I got a nice flat space staked out a few yards from here. We'll still get some light from the flames." He showed me his 'bedroom', which was a pile of blankets and what looked like an old sofa cushion.He'd flattened the weeds and grass pretty well with his big body. "This is peaceful." "Yeah. I don't like all the bug bites I wake up with. Most of them sleep closer to the ban, but there's something about that river I don't trust." I told him about The Three Sisters. "I grew up here and have heard the tale since I can remember. The sisters want company." Yawman was still standing, towering over me. "You've lived here your whole life?" "Yeah. I've never been more than a hundred miles from this time." "Have you ever kissed a man? Would you want to?" He laid one of his big warm hands on my shoulder. I could see the bright moon over his head. It was so full that the surrounding stars shrunk away from it respectfully. "No. And yes, I want to kiss you." Yawman paused for s few seconds and then leaned down and lightly touched my lips with his. Delicate and warm. I wrapped my arms around his waist and gave the signal to keep going. Flames went up my spine, and I wanted him to consume me. It got hotter as we kissed and tongued each other like two carp. I felt my right hand slip loose and grope the crotch of his jean shorts. It was large, hard and heavy -- like he was stashing an engine part down there. "This is a bad idea, Ben." "Really? I think it's the best idea I've ever had." I knelt at his feet and pulled his shorts down. His inhumanly large dick jutted straight out and hit me in the forehead. I had no idea what I was doing now, but something was guiding my actions. Maybe the sisters were directing me. I put my mouth over the large knob at the end of his penis. He tasted and smelled like the river. The head was hard, but also soft in a way I can't really describe. I knew what to do...I had to take more of it...his gently thrusting hips told me as much.I opened wide and tried to swallow more of him. I thought I was doing pretty well. I loved it. This could all end now and I've have so much to remember and relive. He touched a wide hand to my cheek. The skin was tough, but you could tell there was soft underneath. Like the skin on pineapple leaves. "Oh yeah. Just like that, Baby. Can you go a little deeper?" How? I already was having trouble breathing. But he insisted that meat farther toward the back of my throat. He hit a spot where I thought I'd vomit. I gagged and eased off a little. "Sorry. I got carried away. Want to stop?" I breathed in some fast gulps of air. "I don't ever want to stop." He chuckled. "Good. Let me lie down and stretch out a little." Tall people are impressive when they're standing, but somehow even more impressive when horizontal. I resumed sucking him. "Wait. I'll come pretty soon. Do you want to swallow it?" I made agreeable noises and nodded my head. "Or maybe..." I sat up. "What?" "You're probably not up to it, but I'd really like to fuck your little ass." His voice was quiet and deep...coming deep from within his rib cage. Like fucking? Like butt fucking? Actual? Fuck? I was suddenly in way over my head. But I wanted it anyway. I wanted this man to get what he'd really been wanting for so long. It might destroy me, but I didn't seem to mind that idea. We're all going to die someday, and Yawman was worth the risk. "I want that, but I have no idea how it works." The flame light faintly danced across his bare legs and hard dick. "Just take off your clothes, your pants. And then try to sit down on it." I felt wildly overdressed. Underwear, socks...like I was going to class or church or something. I was standing there naked in the weeds, getting ready to have sex for the first time. My ass felt very small and impossibly tight as I looked at his boner. This was never going to work. I knelt down and and straddled his giant thighs. I needed encouragement or just plain courage as looked at his shadowy face. "Yawman....I've never...I mean...I just..." "You just need to relax is what you just need to do. It won't be easy, but you need to loosen up right now. This is going to happen now. I'm counting on it. No backing out." I discovered you can't force yourself to relax. You either are or you aren't. I decided to just adore his body for a little. He needed spoiling in the worst way. I saw the weird bruises on his legs. They didn't look weird, but they had a texture that made me realize these were symptoms of AIDS. Yawman had it. I guess I knew already. I moved down and felt that lesion on his toe. It was fine. I was asking for this. I gave him a slow foot massage. The skin on his soles was even rougher than his hands.Traveling Man. He had a lot of mileage on these big feet. He needed special treatment from somebody in this world. "That feels soooo nice! But you're just getting my dick harder, Ben. I'm getting close." It was time. I had to go through with this. "Okay. Please go slow." I felt that famous head hit my hole. No way would that thing ever fit inside. I lingered there a little and Yawman got impatient and tried to push me down on his crotch...not harshly, but with some force. DAMN! It felt like I'd been stabbed! The pain was unbearable and there was no way I could do this...as much as I thought I wanted to. "I'm in. It'll feel better before you know it. Just stay still and don't yell too loud. We don't need an audience." No. I needed to stand up. "I can't do this, Yawman. You can come in my mouth if you want." He looked at me with an expression that was unreadable in the moonlight and the dying flames. "Please? I have wanted to do this for so long. Please?" I checked my brain for something to say. I could leave and miss this chance forever. "Well...if you want this that much...you need to take charge here. I need you to do the work." He stood up fast and wrapped me in his arms. We kissed deeply and the river water splashed around in skull. "OK, Ben. I was saving that as a last resort, but we'll do it now." He forced me down on my back. I felt some of the weeds on my spine. I can't believe I was requesting to be raped by a man with AIDS. This is just how life works... If I'd ever been drowned in the Potomac, I'd be dead by now anyway. "Ow. There's a rock under my tailbone." He just dropped on top of me, and his weight took the wind out of me. "Keep your mind on that rock. When we're done, you can get rid of it." He pushed down and spread my legs apart with his heft. It wasn't long before he was prodding me again with that giant dick. It went through easier this time, but he wanted to go in further, go deeper inside. I yelled. He put that big rough hand over my mouth. "Hush, baby. You wanted this, remember? I'm so close now." He kept going in and I couldn't help but scream in pain. I remember being a little kid and having vaccinations. I cried my eyes out then, and this pain was worse. I'm sure I was bleeding. I looked up into his dark bearded face and saw those eyes. I did indeed ask for this. I did want to spoil him. I stopped whimpering as he started moaning and got into the fucking pace he'd wanted. My ass was ruined, but I didn't care at this point. I was having sex! A big man was having sex with me! He removed his hand from my mouth. "Thank you for doing it this way, Yawman. I love it." "Yeah. I...I'm ...going to come inside you now.....ughhhh....FUCK!... Yeah!!!!" Maybe it was just my imagination, but I swear I could feel that sperm gush into my being. I was officially infected now. I was happily doomed. He rolled off of me and gasped the night air. "Was that good?" "Fuck yeah it was. Thank you, Ben. I need you to be with me every night." "I love you." That was probably not even correct, but it's what came out of my mouth. He chuckled lightly. "I love you too, kid. But I'm moving out in a few hours. This will always be special to me, though." "But you could stay. I could help you get housing, help you get a job. If that doesn't work, you can come live in my house. I can't lose you." "Nah. I need to move..." He was getting drowsy. "Or I can quit school and get a job. We could get our own place. An apartment or something." "Shhh. We'll talk about it later. I need to sleep now. Shhh. Come snuggle with me." I put my head on his chest and listened to his heartbeat and his breathing. He was out. I was wildly awake. I stayed there until the sky started to barely brighten. I planned on staying until he woke up, but I was restless and needed to walk or something. I stood and felt a hard ache in my stomach...and below. It took me a few seconds to walk steadily. I left my clothes because I'd be back for them. I liked the idea of being nude on the bank of the river. I should have at least put my shoes on...this was no place to be barefoot. Oh well -- I'd stay close to the soft, muddy shore. I kept my eyes down and watched where I stepped. The sun woke up and helped me see better. While glancing down, I saw there was a ton of dried blood on my legs and ankles. It was like a horror movie. I needed to clean this off before Yawman saw me again. I could rinse it off in the river. I wouldn't go far....just far enough to get clean. The water was warmer than I would have guessed. The surface was calm, but the currents were strong down there. I was involuntarily dragged out farther. No big deal. I never learned to swim, but I could dog-paddle. One quick under-current spun me around. That was bad....I should go back to the shore. But I could no longer tell what direction I was looking out. Now I was scared. I remember the panic, and then I was sucked below the surface. The quickness of it caught me unprepared, and I had no air in my lungs. Another flow pushed me down to the bottom. You can't cough underwater...if you try, the water goes into your mouth and nose. Shit. I was weak against the water and tried to fight for my life. I vomited up river water and that only made me open for more. And then...and then there was no fight left. I was just looking around at the murky gray-green water. It was interesting. I no longer needed air. I could just go explore and find The Three Sisters. Nobody knew what they looked like under the water. The sun was fully up. It reached me below the water...and got very bright. White light with every color of the spectrum within. I could tell Yawman about this sight. I loved him and wanted to make him stay. Then there no more thoughts...just light.
  9. I keep remembering this one story from Sunday School. It was about God creating a rainbow after the big flood he caused to signify that he would never kill all the people again...or something like that. The whole Noah's Ark story never seemed credible to me -- even at the age of five. Later on, in grade school science, I learned about the spectrum of light. I found out how rainbows were actually made by the sun and rain. It's just weather. Fast forward to my college years, and everybody was trying to claim ownership of rainbows. Jesse Jackson's Rainbow Coalition was first. Then Greenpeace used it and all the silly girls in my co-ed dorm had rainbow posters of some sort -- sometimes in combination with unicorns for whatever reason. By the time I graduated and moved to a big city, the gays had adopted it. I'd see houses with rainbow flags and think "Gay people live there", or see a rainbow sticker on a car and think "That's a gay driver". It seemed kind of silly to me. I never once felt the urge to identify with a rainbow, My friend Josh did, though. He was a new pal who lived in my apartment building. He walked right up to me as I was moving in and decided to know me. He had one of those old "SILENCE = DEATH" t-shirts. Oh my God, did he ever go for the whole rainbow thing. Rainbow-striped wrist bands, necklaces, shirts and stickers. He was about ten years older than I was, but I kind of figured he had been in the closet for many years and eventually decided to come out of it blazing with color. If I'd been a better friend, I would have asked about this. I was just so into my own new life and my new job. I hadn't "officially" come out yet, but I knew what I was. Who I was. I just didn't feel the need to tell the world yet. Josh and I liked some of the same TV shows ('Twin Peaks', 'Brady Bunch' reruns) and we liked to get stoned. His schedule was always an unknown because he liked to disappear into the night and have his own adventures. I never went with him even though he had invited me many times. I didn't want him to know how inexperienced I was. My goal was to be cool at all times. Or at least seem cool. The reality was that I was scared shitless. I had no idea how to 'cruise' or how to act in a gay bar. So Josh would go so his thing and come tell me about what he'd seen and what he'd done. He haunted the nastiest bars and a few bath house. I'd get home from work and he'd already be waiting by my door. "Oh my God! You should have been at Caspar's last night! They lost electricity and the whole place went dark. Bad wiring or something. But anyway...guys started an orgy in the dark. I was somewhere in the pile, sucking and getting fucked. No idea what they looked like, but some of those dicks were HUGE! I'm still sore today.The baths weren't all that interesting. I need to take you on the weekend sometime." "I don't take showers in front of strangers, Josh." "That's not the point, Virgin Boy! You go to see naked men and suck some dick. By the way--- I'm taking it easy tonight and watching TV. Want to come over and watch a bad movie? I recorded some damn thing that looks so laughably awful. Eight?" "Sure. Want me to bring anything?" "No. I got the baking goods and a bottle of some kind of booze I stole from the dark bar last night." "Sounds good. I'll see you later." Oh, what the Hell. It was Friday night.I could get blitzed with Josh and be recovered by the time the weekend ended. After a long shower and a phone call to my parents back home, I headed over to Josh's place. I never put on cologne just to hang out with him. I had a large collection of cologne and aftershave because that's what people always gave me for birthdays and Christmas. I tried a few, but I didn't want to "that guy", you know? It gave a message when you smelled like something (good or bad). I was unconventionally neutral in everything I did or said. I knocked on his door and he answered it right away. "You're a little early! Good! I feel much better now. Peppy, even. I might even go out tonight.You are invited, if you can get over your commitment to bachelorhood." The movie Josh had taped was some piece of crap from the 80's called "Summer Job". It was so bad, that making fun of it was pointless. Josh turned it off and refilled my glass of what I think was whiskey and Coke. We sipped and chatted randomly. "So. I heard Spike was back in town. I wouldn't normally go out when he's around, but he knows I won't do anything with him. He backs away from me." "Who is Spike. Where is he from? Is that his real name?" "No, Stupid. It's what he's known as. He is,like, some 40 year old guy who wears a totally bizarre cock piercing.It used to be just little nubs on a stainless steel ball at the end of his big dick. That was bad enough, but then he got an upgrade or something and the metal had actual pointed spikes on it. He would rip into bottoms until they were unable to walk. And he's HIV+..so of course he spreads it around. The last I heard, he got an even more severe ring. God only knows what that looks like. He's back in town for the end of the Summer I guess. Whatever. I'm not afraid of him. He's not all that imposing...just sneaky. I'm going to the bath on Main. I'm curious about what he looks like and what he's up to. Can't believe he's not dead already." "Damn, Josh. You need a hobby -- like knitting or something." He lit up a second joint and talked nonsense I sat on the floor and thought about things..about Spike. He sounded positively evil. What was his issue? I let images and ideas enter my brain that I shouldn't have. What did he look like? How big was his dick? I wanted at least a glimpse of it. Did he do it on purpose, infecting guys with AIDS, converting men? Why? "What time are you going, Josh?" "Not for a few hours. Why?" "Can I go with you?" pause "Really? I can't believe it! Oh yes. We can go to Derby for a drink first. But I need to dress you." "Huh?" "You have to look cool, but also ready to get naked. It's not an easy look. Let's go to your place and I'll pick things out for you." The second we got into my apartment, Josh went straight to my bedroom and started going through my closet."Oh! You have some good stuff I've never seen you wear! But it's all so preppy. Do you have shorts? T-shirts? Jock stuff?" "It's almost Fall, Josh." "Not the issue, babe." He started raiding my dresser and examining everything. "Well?" "This. And this. We need to find something for you to wear on your feet." He handed me a scruffy old concert t-shirt and a pair of black swim trunks. ?? "I don't suppose you have sandals?" "Hell no. I don't want people seeing my toes. They're gross.All feet are gross." "Never mind. I've got a pair you can borrow. It looks like we both wear the same size. I'll be right back." "This is dumb." "I need you to stop whining soon. As much as I like your company, I can't handle the griping just now." He left and arrived again a few minutes later, dressed in his casual 'cruising' outfit. He handed me the sandals. "Thanks, And I'm not griping, but why am I gonna wear swim trunks instead of shorts.?" "Because your shorts are the long and baggy kind you kids seem to like." And so we left and went to a little dive bar called Derby. I got carded like I did everywhere, but Josh knew everybody and was treated like a semi-celebrity. We sat at an empty table. "You seem to know everybody." "In a biblical way! So why did you suddenly want to come out tonight? We never go out together." "I felt like I needed to see this Spike guy." "Uh huh. I should have guessed...you were a little too curious about him. I sensed you were a chaser." "A what?" "HIV has become appealing to a certain type of guy. They find it erotic. It's not your fault, but it's a flawed fetish in my opinion. If you wanted to be converted, why didn't you just ask me to fuck you?" "You're HIV+?" "Like you didn't know. But Spike is not the one you want. I might have made him too pornographically pleasing with my description. He's not for you." I studied my drink and did some thinking. Josh was right. I did find the idea of getting a disease from a dominant man a little hot. A lot hot. "It's cold in here," I said realizing how much bare skin I was exposing. "We'll have a few shots and that'll warm you up." Josh left to fetch them as I toyed with the idea of just going home. He returned with four shot glasses of something. "What's this?" "Top shelf rum. Free. Barry owes me. And here." He handed me a matchbook with a phone number and the name 'Thom' scribbled on it. "Why did you give me this?" A guy at the bar wanted me to give it to you. He's been eyeing you since we got here I guess." I looked over, but it was too crowded now for me to even see the bar. I had no pockets to put the matches in. It seemed like a souvenir I'd want some day. I downed the shots and did indeed feel warmer. "Okay. It's probably time to heads out? You ready? Be sure." "Yes. Let's go." Josh was driving and I wondered about his motor skills at this point. He drove well enough, and we arrived in one of the trashier parts of town. People got shot in this area. "OK. Try to act like you've been here a million times. Stay close behind me and I'll get us in and into a room." "Like a hotel room?" He laughed. "Uh...not quite. Just be cool and don't look scared or you'll be eaten alive." The front door had one of those security locks and wouldn't open until the inside guy saw that you were okay. Everybody knew Josh and we got inside. I heard music and smelled steam. And men. I smelled men. Josh forked over some cash and the guy at the desk handed him an armload of towels..and some keys. I wish I could describe what I was feeling, but I didn't have words. I followed Josh as instructed and he led us through some saloon doors. It was so dark. I wasn't afraid of the dark so much as I was humbled by it. It was a long hallway with lockers on one side and doors on the other. I just followed Josh closer and let my eyes adjust. We got to a door and his keys opened it. It was like a bunk at Summer camp...or prison. Solitary confinement. There was a little more light in here. "I got you a separate room just in case you meet someone -- not Spike -- and want to get it on. I'll keep it, but you have to bring the guy to me before I let you have it. Sorry to be such a mom, but you need one right now." "Thanks." "Now take off your clothes, but keep the sandals on. Some guys walk barefoot, but there's too much fungus on these floors.You can wrap the towel around your waist, but that will make you look new or ashamed of your dick. I always just fling it over my shoulder. Get nude." So I stripped and that made me feel weird. I'd never been naked in front of Josh. Or anyone. He stripped too. His dick was a little bigger than mine. He was pretty hairless, as was I. "Stay close and I'll show you around. There are two bars in here. The drinks are super expensive, but pretty strong. I know the bartenders, and can probably score a few free shots. Let's do that first. Really need to lose that scared look. I'm serious." I decided to just be exposed with the towel over my shoulder. The first area we went too was just a big crowd of men in a music-filled room. It reminded me of a 'mixer' like we'd had in high school--except everyone was bare-assed. Some very pretty men and some older non-pretty men. Mostly white. Muscles everywhere. Josh grabbed my hand and led me to where the bar was.God, I hated the music. Did they expect naked men to dance? Penises flopping back and forth? I couldn't imagine it. We settled near the bar and Josh expertly chatted up the bartender who looked like a retired porn star from the 70's. He was clearly a gym man, a lifter. As he and Josh were chatting, he stared me up and down and let a slight grin light on his face. He motioned me over to where he was gossiping with Josh. "Welcome to the dark side, kid. Josh tells me you're cool. Have a drink with us." "Thanks, man." "Doesn't he have a nice dick, Steve?" He looked me over and arched his brow in a 'not bad' expression. We drank the cocktail of whatever as Josh flirted another one out of him. They were indeed strong and I felt a little drunk. He and the bartender kissed and then he led me out of the crowded room. "We're getting into some more serious places. Steve told me that Spike has been here for hours already. He's around somewhere." "Did you and Steve ever date?" A snort. "Date? You don't know much about anything." There were was a poorly-lit space...that looked like the opening to a maze. I did not want that. "Is this something you have to do?" "It is if you want to see the rest. Don't fret. I know the quickest way through. You might even see Spike in here." "Oh. Okay." He just grabbed my hand and led me against the far wall. I never got to see what was inside the maze. We had gotten through Then it got much darker. zi could hear water running and manly groans.OK. This is what it was all about. The air was damp. "On your right is the shower room. On your right is the weight room. Bunch of macho posers there. And straight at the end is the TV room and a very small bar. I can take you with me, or let you explore on your own." "Go have fun, Josh. I'm okay on my own. I'll find you back at our room if nothing else." "Okay. Please be careful. Promise?" "Yeah. Go have fun." He sauntered back to where the "TV room" was. I peeked into the showers and was reminded of a prison again. Stark, bare concrete walls and five or six spraying nozzles Two guys were embracing nudely right there in plain sight. I didn't act afraid or shocked. I played it cool. Felt cool. One of the shower dudes went down on the other. Neither of them were all that attractive, but their brave lust made my dick rise a little. I decided to check out the weight room across the hall. Nobody was lifting weights. There was just a pair fucking. A huge black guy was plowing a little white guy on a bench. They were vocal. It was like live porn. That big guy was really into it. A touch on my hip. Josh. "Enjoying the show? That black guy has the most perfect dick...and he gives huge loads. That poor kid has no idea what he's in for. Listen...Spike is in the TV room. I'll point him out, but only if you don't talk to him. Try to control your boner a little. Jesus." " It's already going down from your nagging." "The bar is over here, and I don't know the bartender. He's new. See if you can make friends with him...they're usually pretty nice to the new guys. Turn on that white smile and look at him like he's cute." He wasn't though. Just a stocky bear with hardly any hair on his head. I was so hot from seeing all the men, that I looked at him and wondered if he was good in bed. His tight jean shorts hugged his crotch, and there was a decent bulge there.I guess he saw me checking me out because he came right over. "Having fun?" "Yeah. It's my first time." "Wow! Cool! That calls for a free shot! what you want?" "Rum. And one for my friend right here, please. We don't have pockets to carry cash." "Don't worry. There's a pocket in your towel by the way. I'll set you up. Captain Morgan's?" Josh and I downed his free shots for a good ten minutes when I remembered Spike. I needed to see him and his pierced dick. It's like my private thoughts were visible to all. "Okay. Let's go find your dream. Just remember that I won't give you a key until I see the guy you want to fuck." "Got it." The only other light came from the TV screens which were all showing porn. It was theater-style seating. My dick started to get hard again. This was an x-rated dream. Men everywhere. Naked and full of lust. "God! Sit down before somebody sees that! He's at the far right. Leaning against the wall. I see an old fuck buddy of mine. I'm gonna talk to him, but I'm keeping my on you." I wished so badly that my boner would soften a little. It felt like American History in high school. There was something about that class that would give me a painful hard-on in my Wrangler jeans for no reason.I scanned the right wall. It didn't take long to spot him. Black eyes staring me down like an animal. Spike. He was about my height, wearing a leather cap,and sporting that famous metal at the tip of his fat dick. He nodded 'hello'. I guess I should give up righting my erection. You can't subdue lust..no matter how hard you try. I just followed his gaze and was suddenly right in front of him. "Nice dick, boy. Are you even old enough to be here?" "Oh yeah. I'm 26. You have a beautiful dick too...and some intense jewelry." It was pretty severe...a steel PA with a marble-sized ball covered with spikes. Not just spikes. They looked sharp and curled at the point - like thorns. "Did you come here with that blonde guy...that Josh? He talks shit about me around here." "We're not dating or anything. He's just showing me around. All he told me was that your name is 'Spike'" "Well, it's 'Larry', actually. 'Spike' is fine too, I guess. But it's serious to me...this ain't no costume." "You know, he told me not to even talk to you. I'm probably in trouble already." "Maybe not. He's getting plowed on that couch over there." Sure enough...Josh was letting his 'fuck buddy' do just that, with about eight other guys watching. "Good for him. He's a neighbor and a good friend, but he is single-minded." "We all are. Including you. That's the only reason you came over to me." "Possibly. Want to have a drink with me, Larry?" "No. It's too expensive here. I've got a bottle of Jack in my room. We can go there for a minute and get a good buzz while your pal is occupied.Sound good?" "Lead the way. Do we have to go through that maze thing again?" "Nah. I've got a VIP room behind the bar. It's nicer than what you likely have." He showed me where to go. As I followed him, I noticed what a nice,hairy ass he had. The hall he led me through was indeed nicer than any other place I'd seen here so far.Well-lit and carpeted. I had no fear at this point. His room was way nicer than the one Josh and I were assigned. "How did you get a VIP room?" "I'm pretty famous, I guess. I know the right people." "Famous because of your PA? Your big dick?" ""No more questions for now. You're in my space now and I decide everything." He dug in a duffel bag and produced a bottle of JD...opened already but still mostly full. I had a million questions,but Larry was not in the mood for chatting. He didn't have cups or glasses, so we just swallowed straight from the bottle.It burned at first..and hit my stomach like a bomb. Did I remember to eat tonight? "You're a good host, Larry. Your room is nice. You've even got pillows and sheets. Hope I can be a VIP someday." "In time. I guess your asshole friend told you I had the bug." "Yeah. So does he, though.Are you sick?" Shit! I'd asked a question. "Sometimes. I'm healthy most days. Does that scare you? Does THIS scare you?," he asked as he grabbed his dick at the base and aimed it toward me. That piercing looked deadly. "Honest? A little. Maybe a lot. Do you fuck with that on?" "Only once. It was a bloody mess. It cuts up asses and mouths and throats. Want to get a closer look?" Oh I did. I got on my knees and studied it. "Wow." "I can take it out. I brought my whole collection of rings." Whoa. I had no idea these things were removable. I guess I thought it was a permanent thing like a brand or a tattoo. "Can i hold it?" He chuckled. "Sure. Be careful, though. I haven't cleaned it lately...and it will stick you." He turned his back and I squeezed the sharp ring in my hands. Damn! I could never imagine what this would do to an ass. My palm was bleeding. I didn't care. I reached my bloody hand out to take another swig from the bottle. I was here. This was real. Larry showed me his collection of PA's, all neat and even in a velvet-lined box. They ranged from a simple skinny ring to a massive fucking thing with more spikes. "These are beautiful." "Which one do you want me to put on?" Really? This had moved fast. I picked the third one. It was a fairly decent=sized gauge and the ball had a simple sharp spike on it. "Good choice, New Kid. I've pozzed so many neg asses with that one. But it might tear up the roof of your mouth when you suck me...or chip a tooth.Don't want to wreck that pretty smile...I want to wake up to it." He put the box aside and I took the altered head of his dick in my mouth. God! He tasted like he looked...manly and dangerous. It would have been nice just to kiss that big dick, but he was insistent and aggressive. I didn't know what he wanted from this. Did he want to pee or cum? It was all new. Be cool. I was cool. My hand was still bleeding. Larry thrusted that meat of his even deeper into my throat.I tried to get air, but all my intake was blocked. This was a moment I'd never forget. I pulled away and gasped for oxygen. "Not bad. Not bad at all. Want to lie down for a minute?" I wasn't entirely sure. I was so turned on by this naked man with a giant dick. If I was in bed with him.... "Yeah. Let's rest up." His bed was small, but not tiny. We were touching skin. He was radiating heat. I thought maybe we could just snooze a bit, but I should known better. He was on top of me, covering my neck with hard kisses. "I'm going to fuck you now. Ready for it?" "Yeah, but..." "Don't worry. I've got some great lube and a need to cum. It won't take long." He covered my mouth with his and spread my legs a little. I could feel that little barb scrape my thigh."Don't scream or I'll have to gag you. They don't like screams here." "It will hurt that bad?" "At first. But remember everything. You're going to be poz pretty soon." He lubed up his long, thick shaft and poured a thick glob of goo on that PA. He hoisted my legs up farther and found the spot where my outside led to the inside. I squinted my eyes tight and prepared for the assault. He didn't go in easily, but I didn't scream. Just yelled "NO!" "It's in, boy. Don't make me gag you. It's in there...scraping a spreading pre-cum into your system. Goddamn! Your ass is so tight, it's squeezing the life out of my dick. A little deeper now. Oh, good. It's almost done now." My own dick had gone completely limp, but that was all secondary at this point. "Poz me, Larry. Make it count." He picked up the pace and was sweating like a maniac. I looked into his dark eyes and felt ready. "AUUGGHHH! I'm pozzing you now. You've earned it!" He heaved and his hips had a few spasms...and then... There was an ache and a burning down there. It wasn't awful. "Thank you, Spike." "Any time. Look... you're bleeding like a stuck pig. I need to get you to the showers. Can you walk?" Could I? I could. How in the world would we even make it out to the showers, with all that crowd and Josh? I could feel the rivulats of blood going down my bare legs. "Can't we just wait here until it stops?" I was scared about so many things right then. Reality has always been a bummer. "It's cool. VIP's have a separate shower back here. I'll clean you up and maybe stick some toilet tissue up there." To speed this story along, I'll just say that I eventually made it back out to the TV room. No blood showing and a big was of toilet paper plugging my butt hole. Larry didn't want to trade numbers or anything. He just did what he always has and we were done. I saw Josh at last. "Sorry, buddy. I was having some great fucks." His hair was wet with seat and there was a droplet of cum above his left eyebrow. "Can we go home now?" "Why? Are you tired? Drunk? What have you been doing?" "Not much. Talked to a few guys and wandered around.' "Did you see Spike?" "Saw him for a second, but he had a bunch of dudes all fawning over him." "Ok. I'm tired too, but if we leave, that's wasted money on the extra room I got you." "Sorry, Josh." "It's fine. You pay next time. Let's go." And that was that. I kept bleeding for about 24 hours, but it stopped. I still felt it though. I felt Larry's dick and piercing in me every single day. It made me happy.
  10. Moderator's Note: If you have trouble reading this with the white background, I posted a copy without it in the comments. Please leave your votes for Toon on this post. We probably all know that one of the rules when you become an adult is that you're going to have to do a bunch of stuff you don't want to do. And if you care about people, you'll be giving rides to the airport, dog-sitting and helping move furniture. Somewhere around the age of 26 is when I decided that favors for people were taking up all my free time.I stopped saying "yes" so much. I couldn't help but feel sorry for my fiend Troy. He was a good guy with a lot of health issues. He had the worst insurance in the world, and so his doctors were always far out of the way. I once drove him to a little clinic way over in a crummy suburb I'd never been to before. I got so lost. We found the little clinic in an almost empty strip mall. "Are you sure this the right place?" Yeah. It looks just shitty enough to be where I'd be sent,' Troy said with a sigh. "This will maybe take a long time...did you bring your sketchbook or something?" "It's under the seat - like always." "OK. Good. They have to do some x-rays on my lower spine. It will take forever." "Well, draw a graphic novel then. I owe you dinner tonight." He left me alone and walked in the front door. It was a mid-September day with cloudy, rainy weather. I was just going to just stay in the car and draw there, but this defunct neighborhood was just the kind of place I liked to explore. There's something about urban decay that I find comforting. Like I mentioned, the strip mall was mostly empty and trashy. There was a closed mattress store, a closed bridal shop, a closed dentist office, and a few empty places with no sign to indicate what they'd once been. The nail salon was still open and so was the Scientology place on the corner. I'd only heard bad things about the "religion", but I was curious to look in the glass and see what they did in there. I only saw a brightly-lit office and one woman hunched over a desk full of forms.She noticed me standing there and made a 'come on in' gesture with her index finger. Fuck that! I moved away fast. Next to this mess of a mall was an old abandoned brick building. It may have been a school or an orphanage. Time and no care had let huge weeds and long climbing ivy obscured most of this place. I always want to go inside and explore places like this, but was afraid of falling through a rotted floor or getting bit by a snake. So I usually just appreciated the decay from a safe distance. Behind the forgotten building was a little empty lot that may have been a park or a courtyard at one time long ago. Now it was overgrown and littered with fast food trash, beer cans and assorted unnameable junk. There was a concrete slab that would be a nice place to sit. So I did. I used a felt-tip black pen as a bookmark in my sketchbook, but hadn't put the cap on tight enough. Shit! No it would be dry and not make the good clean lines I liked. There probably wasn't an office supply store anywhere near here either. Across from the weedy area was a run-down apartment complex -- like one of the smelly little places I lived in during college. It might even be Section 8. My heart went out to the people who had to live in places like this. Life had let them down. It was two stories tall with a long balcony that went the entire length of the second floor. I saw one 30-something guy walking up the stairs carrying a plastic bag of groceries. He lived in the middle of the second floor. I think he saw me sitting in this odd place where nobody came to hang out. He was likely curious, but just went inside and closed his door. Alone once more, I opened the sketchbook and wanted to continue work on a graphic novel about a boy with a pet demon. But my damn pen was mostly wasted and sputtering out. Damn! I'd just do some doodles for as long as I could. It was interesting to draw with a pen that a mind of its own. I followed the streaky, gray lines where they wanted to go. It engrossed me for a while...but then I looked up and saw the guy again. He was leaning over his balcony wearing nothing but a pair of those gray cotton shorts, and staring at me directly. I nodded 'hello' and he did the same. The stare-down continued. He rubbed his left nipple very casually. He was pretty hairy and reminded me of somebody. Who? A porn star maybe? He then rubbed his crotch in a non-casual way. Wow. Was he trying to pick me up? This stranger? I was intrigued, but I had a friend next door getting x-rays and I had no time for any weirdness. It would make for a nice fantasy later, but not today. I resumed drawing with my crappy pen. And then I felt a drop of rain. Shit. This was an unlucky day. It fell a little faster and I needed to find cover. I crossed over to the apartment building and stood underneath the balcony. There was a random plastic chair out front and I sat there. I'd forgotten about the crotch-grabber. The goddamn rain picked up force. I sat and tried to sketch. The pen was fickle and wouldn't let me draw the way I wanted. It wasn't so bad, really. Maybe I could patent an unpredictable pen that made its own lines and you just had to go with it. It made you slow down and be mindful of an image that wanted to exist. I pondered this for a second and noticed a used condom on the concrete near my feet. It looked pretty full of spunk. I had a friend who used to pick up discarded rubbers and use the contents to beat off. I was not that hard-core. I wondered if...Uh oh. I had company. The balcony dude was standing right next to me. "Never seen you around here before." He was wearing nothing but the shorts...and most likely no underwear. I could see the full outline of his large, cut dick. He was very hairy. "I'm loitering. Sorry. My friend is over at the Grove clinic getting his back x-rayed." "Boyfriend? Lover" He had dark blonde hair that almost touched his shoulders, and a full beard. His feet were bare and a little dirty. "What? No. He is a good friend with a bad spine." "Yeah. My back is bad too. I could really use a massage. Want to give me one? I live right upstairs." That seemed kind of abrupt. He didn't even know me. It was almost like the awkward script of an old porn movie. Was he joking? I looked up into his eyes. They were brown with specks of yellow and green. "Nah. I'm only killing time until his appointment is done." The rain got heavier. "God, I'm glad this isn't snow. I love the feel of rain." He stepped out from under the balcony and let the rain soak him. "So nice!" I just watched. His flimsy shorts were nearly transparent at this point. What a bear of a man! Wow. I guess he noticed my stare. "You sure you can't spare a minute to give me a quick rub?" I felt that coiled snake of lust rearing up inside me. This was a hot guy...in a dirty kind of way. "Maybe just for a little bit." He wasted no time in pulling me up the concrete stairs and to his apartment. It was a small studio with a futon and a TV...and not much else. "Welcome to Casa Leo!" He stripped off his wet shorts and stood there naked before I even had a chance to sit down. His bulge hadn't lied. He was HUGE. Wow, Leo. You're not shy, are you?" "Not around friends I'm not. Want a beer? You don't seem like a beer drinker, but that's all I have." "Sure. I'll have a beer with you." "It's the cheap stuff, but it's cold. Turn on the TV if you want." Other people's remote controls confused me when they looked different than mine. I'd just let him do it. "What do you want to watch? Do you have cable here?" ""Yeah, dude," he said as he brought me a can of 'Milwaulee's Best'. "I live in the same century you do." "I'm just so used to my remote, and wouldn't want to screw anything up your system." "Forget cable. I have this video a buddy lent me. You'll like it." "I don't think I can stay long enough to watch a whole movie, Leo." "I'll just find my favorite scene to show you." He clicked a few buttons and then there was a full-out porn movie showing. Guys. Gay porn. He immediately started rewinding it and I saw sped-up, backwards dicks and asses and cum. He found the scene he wanted to show me. It was two butch guys locked in a passionate kiss. The smaller guy started sucking the larger guy. It all looked familiar. I'd seen stuff like this before. The generic blow-job was followed by the big guy fucking the other one....but with NO CONDOM! Shit! Was this real? I hadn't seen a condom-less video since the first one I ever watched -- years ago. Leo expertly handled the remote and rewound the tape to the scene he liked. It was two bald guys The bigger guy had a goatee and was fucking the smaller guy, missionary style. I'd never had butt sex with a man, but I knew this was the position I'd want to be in if it ever happened. The "actors" were probably in their early 20's. Leo pressed pause. "Look at the tattoos on that top guy." I studied the stopped scene and saw the big guy had a scorpion on his left shoulder and a plus sign on his right shoulder. Oh. Cool." I knew what the plus sign meant. "Yeah. I want to get one of those, but quality tats are expensive. Where do you think I should get one? I kinda want a scorpion right here..." He stood up and pointed to his lower stomach. He was getting a hard-on. "Yeah, that would be good, but you'd have to trim some fur for anyone to see it." "Forget that. It grows too fast. I'd spend a fortune on razor blades." He returned to his seat, but spun in a way that the head of his dick brushed my cheek for a second. "Oops. Sorry." He hit 'play' and the gay fucking continued before our eyes. Leo turned up the volume. These guys were very verbal: "You want my dirty load, Boy?" "Yeah! Give it to me! Poz me up!" "It's coming...YEAH! Here it is!! FUCK!!!" Then the top's thrusting buttocks became still. The camera moved in on the bottom's hole. You could see white cum leaking out. Well. OK. "Did you like that?" I finished my beer and saw that his dick was fully hard, rising like a cobra from his lap. "Well, I see you did. Can I get another beer?" "Sure. Help yourself while I fold out the futon. You promised me a back rub.. remember?" I went to his tiny kitchen and fetched another beer from his fridge. I lingered a bit because I didn't want to just be standing there while he made his bed. I looked around the kitchen and I could tell me wasn't much of a cook, because the range looked brand new and untouched. "Where are you? Did you get lost?" I came back into the main room and saw that he had simply unfolded the futon...no sheets, pillows or anything.. It was just naked Leo laying there on a bare futon, stroking his dick. "That was quick." "Hey--you're pressed for time, remember?" He yanked himself randomly and told me to take my clothes off. I did, and rolled onto his stomach. "Start on my shoulders and move down the middle, Go as rough as you want, but then go easier when you get to my lower back. That's where I have the worst pain." I had a severe erection as I looked at his big body. His back was broad and strong, but not rippled with gym muscles. The back of a common working man. So nice. I tried to knead his flesh from the side of the futon, but that was awkward and damn near impossible. "No, dude...Climb on the bed and work from there." I did as told. I'd never given a massage before, but I went on instinct. Turns out I was a natural. My fingers knew just where the sore spots were and how to coax the painful knots out. Some of the most famous artists in history used to dissect cadavers to study muscular structure. Their ghosts guided me as I dug my fingers deeper. Leo groaned with pleasure. "Damn! You're good! You could do this for a living.Move down the middle of my back now." The bumps on his spine weren't visible, but I could see them in my head. I worked my slowly down each bone there. Leo continued to moan agreeably. "GOD! That feels so perfect. Remember to go easy on the lower part." Well, I had to. He had a large patch of hair right above his round ass. I didn't want to pull the hair so I just gently used my fingertips to push and touch like I was playing a very fragile piano. More groans. "What do you for a living, Leo?" "I deliver bread. I lift shit and then spend a bunch of time driving, and then lift some more." "I think you might need to see a professional." "I already am. You. This the best I've felt in weeks. Leave your number. I'll pay you in beer or ...other things." "I definitely will." "Good," he said as he rolled over onto his back with a long, hard boner. "Think you do that to my feet?" I got down from the bed and arranged myself at the end. The rain had cleaned his feet somewhat, but there was still some dirt. But no smell. I worked every inch of his bare soles with the skill I instinctively had used on his back. "GODDAMN! That feels so good! Nobody has ever touched my feet before! For sure leave your number...you've got magic hands, my friend." He was still masturbating. And looking at me like I was a steak. "Oh, the things I would with you if we had more time." "Like what?" "Well...you could massage this for starters," he said as he gripped his dick. "I want to do that, Leo." "Good. Use your hands or mouth or whatever you want to." He grinned. I wanted this.I wanted this man and that dick so much. My groin was painful at this point. I thought about trying to use my hands, but my mouth wanted that tool of his in my mouth. I just climbed back on the bed and immediately started blowing him. I'd never done this before, but my horny brain didn't need past experience. I took it so deep down my throat, past the gag reflex and beyond. 'Whoa, whoa whoa. I don't want to waste a load in your mouth. Hold back. Open your eyes and clear your head for a second.." I somehow knew where this day would end. "We're at a dangerous point right now, little artist kid. I have HIV. Anything we do from here has to be requested by you. Understand?" I drew up next to him and spoke in as clear a voice as I could manage: "My request is that you take over and listen to no more of my requests." "Wow. I didn't expect that. Or maybe I did. Are you absolutely sure?" "Yes." "Okay. That 'yes' just sealed the deal. Get ready......" He reached under the bed and produced a black tube of 'personal lubricant'. He squirted out a generous amount of the goo onto his hand and massaged it all over his giant red dick.And then he worked a few of the oily globs into my ass. I could feel myself melt into the dirty futon. I wanted this despite everything. This would be okay. This would be excellent. "Are you awake? Sorry, but it looked like you were drifting away." "No. That felt good. And beer makes me relaxed, I guess." "Good. Me too. You REALLY need to relax now." "Oh, I am." "No. I mean, Yes. Relax your mind and relax your insides too. My guess is that you've never done this before. It's going to probably rip you in half. I'll keep the lube near in case you need more." "OK, Leo. I live in the same century as you." "Whatever you say. I am close to cumming...and there's no going back once I do that." I said nothing. God I wanted to be fucked...even if it was a bad idea and I had no idea what it was all about. He got on top of me and put his full weight down. That felt nice. And then his mouth was on mine which was even nicer. My first kiss from a man. In the movies, you never see all the spit that results from prolonged kissing. I had his drool all over my chin, and he had mine soaking his beard. I kept melting...depper and deeper. I was riding a wave of pleasure sent from heaven when Leo's dick prodded my hole. "Relax" I told myself. This would be a good hurt. He got the head past my opening, and I was pretty sure I was going to die. OW! I wanted to get away out from under him and suggest we try again later. No. This was not going to happen now. But he kept pushing in. "No going back. You gave your consent." "No! Not now!" "Yeah...let me breed you...relax...yeah...." He continued talking in incomplete sentences as I kept trying to push him off. But was too big and too heavy, and kept thrusting. I think he hit the end of my ass or something because there was nowhere else for him to go inside of me. The pain was bad, but it wasn't at the front of my brain. This hot man's contaminated dick was all I thought about. He would impregnate me. Soon. "You like it now?" He could read me. "You like this now?" "Oh yeah...seed me. Give me your load." It excited him to hear that and he started pumping like a maniac. He paused for a few seconds and then resumed. "SHIT! I should have told you, but I already came. I'm just getting it worked in good and deep now. You like that?" More than anything! He climbed off of me and I felt weightless. He lied next to me and panted. His dick had blood on it. We'd probably ruined his sad futon. "I didn't know I'd bleed on your bed like this. I'm sorry." He sighed and said, "No worries, Babe. I was going to dump this in the alley soon anyway. You can help me pick out a new one later." "Later?" "Well, yeah. You're mine now. You're my new lover. Didn't you know? You're ruined for everyone else. Your magic wishes have all been spent." I could listen to him talk like that forever, but I needed to get dressed and go meet Troy at the clinic. Shit! How long had I been here? I tore a page out of my sketchbook and wrote my full name and numbers I could be reached at. I left it on top of his TV. "Bye, Leo. Call me later if you want. And....thank you." "I'll call you tonight after I have a good long sleep. I go to work at 3 AM. I'll see you tomorrow." Tomorrow? He kept his word and called me that night -- and every night. I went to his place and he came to mine. I later payed for his scorpion tattoo to celebrate my first positive HIV test and the fact that we lived with each other. We adored each other and enjoyed our flesh together. The End.
  11. Marked

    Dear moderator(s) I pasted this from one of my word documents, but it's not the right color. Can you fix it for me? Any tips or advice on how to do it right? Thanks
  12. Moderator's Note: If this is hard to read, there is an unformatted copy in the thread below. Please leave your votes for the Toon on this post. Does anyone else think Autumn is a very sexy season? Maybe it's just me. I think it all started when I was a kid, growing up in a small town. Mom was working at a beauty salon close to my school called "Verna's". I walked there after school and sat in the waiting area until she finished. I liked it. I'd do homework and listen to all the ladies chatter away like magpies. Almost all of them smoked, and the smell of hairspray mixed with cigarettes was wonderful. My mom (a non-smoker) sometimes sent me out to get fresh air. I could go as far as the little public library or I could get a Coke from the grocery store. I was a loner, even back then. Being alone gave me time to get lost in fantasy and dream up stories. Fall was damn beautiful in that tree-filled burg. Dead leaves mixed with soft,slow rain left a smell in the air that made me excited for some reason. I'd read all the scary books in the stupid library. It was only a few weeks before Halloween -- my all-time favorite holiday. I sat on the library steps and wrote my own spooky stories in my spiral notebook. Never finished asingle one. I just liked the idea of scary things. It was one gray day that I noticed that this season was giving me messages. But what kind? Fast forward to when I was a freshman in high school. The 80's were here. I no longer wondered why I felt so strange...so different. I was one of those homosexuals inside. Maybe it would go away. Everything was erotic to me. The football players with their letter jackets and strong, grown-up bodies. If a guy had a steady girlfriend, she wore his jacket. All day---even in class. I longed to be one of them. To have one of those sexy guys' jackets and kiss him after lunch. Maybe do other things. Dark, secret things. The hottest guy was Darren Taylor who was from a large family. One of his brothers was in my class. Robbie. He'd had an adult-sized dick since sixth grade. I fought not to stare at it during gym class. Darren had dark, curly hair and was very popular. His girlfriend wasn't all that pretty. She had glasses and moles on her neck. Maybe I just hated her. I hadn't pass my driver's test yet, so I was always walking. Same routine as when I was nine. During that late September, I started taking longer routes to Verna's. I absorbed the smells and feeling Fall brought with it. The days were getting so short and there was a little chill in the air The last of the leaves slowly fell to their death. There was wet sidewalks and wet streets. I wondered how much sex was going on inside the houses I passed. I imagined Darren and his rat-like girlfriend going at it in a cozy bed. My imagination was unnaturally developed and I could feel the bare skin of his legs and the erect penis. Those dark eyes and heavy brows. Probably all of the football team was fucking some girl on a day like this. I walked along with my brain full of sex. I never told anyone about this, but I guess I'm telling you now. Once I graduated, I'd already accepted my fate. This wouldn't be going away. My immediate plan was just to ignore the urges as long as possible. Just be normal, That lasted less than 24 hours...and then I was checking out all the young men in my dorm. I masturbated so much in those days. My roommate was a serious student and spent most of his time in class or at the library. Right after Labor Day, Summer seemed to hurry up its demise. Fall took over fast. There I was again. I had to cut through a really nice park to get to my art history class (where I always fell asleep). The first glimpse of color brought back everything. Those feelings. Why is being gay so difficult? Why does pleasure always come with regret and unanswered prayers and wishes never granted? I felt cheated. OK. Enough about my feelings and sad thoughts. This is a sex story. It was raining hard that one Wednesday.. I've never once used an umbrella. I had on a London Fog jacket that my mom had found at some outlet store. I thought it was so boss. It was rain-proof at least. I was soaked. Everybody in class was too. Art history was held. in a big auditorium that was dark and had such nice, comfortable chairs. I always fell asleep while the professor showed slide after slide of dumb old paintings by whoever. The sopping wet students filtered in. A big, jock-looking guy plopped down beside me. I wasn't sure why -- there were so many empty seats in this place.Maybe he was dazed by the weather. Idiot was wearing deck shoes in rainy weather...his feet must feel so yucky He just kicked off the shoes and opened a soggy notebook. "You got a pen I can borrow?" His voice was so masculine and casual. I fished around in my book bag and found a stray Bic. Here. His huge fingers touched mine for half a second. He had to be a football player or something. If he gave me the pen back, I would keep it as a treasure forever.I had a fever back in those days.I was so horny all the time, and beating off didn't make the real hunger go away. I was so consumed by thoughts of sex, but I had to tamp that down right now. The professor was going on and on about some Spanish painter and what he was trying to convey in his work. Jesus. Symbolism. So much of college was about hidden meanings and theories. I just parroted what the teacher said in my papers --even though I always thought it should be up to the person viewing or reading something to decide what it meant to them. But I was a good student and said I saw what the guy giving grades said. This hot man next to me didn't take many notes...just doodled cubes and assorted shapes. I looked at his heavy hands. Once class was over, we all filed out. The guy was right behind me. "Hey! You didn't fall asleep today! I usually sit a few rows in back of you and you always konk out after about ten minutes. A few times, you even snored." "Oh God, really? That's embarrassing." "Most of us laughed. It was cute." The rain had stopped, but the air was still damp and musky. We seemed to be walking together. My next class was a lecture class and I could easily skip it. "I'm Evan, by the way." I tried to sound cool. "I'm Mark. Where you headed next?" "Philosophy. They don't take roll there, so I'm thinking of bailing." "OK. Cool. Want to got a beer at Crossroads? You're old enough to drink, right?" I hated looking like a kid. "Where is it, Mark?" "We have to turn around and go the opposite way. At least the rain stopped." We pivoted and headed up the hill. "Are you a jock? "No. Why? Do I seem dumb or something?" "No. You just have a great body. I figured you were a football player." "No. I had a partial athletic scholarship last year...for the swim team. I fucked that up. I put on weight and flunked a few drug tests. It's no big deal. I don't miss the practices at all." "Oh. I have a partial academic scholarship for now. I have to make a 3.2 this semester or they'll take it away." "You'll be fine. You're smart. I know things." "Well...thanks. I'm not all that smart, I just know how to get things done." "Can you believe how much it rains here? I'm from Arizona...it's dry as fuck there." "Yeah. The whole campus is built on a hill -- we catch the clouds. I grew up in this state." We finished the climb, and there it was. An actual bar just a few steps away from the student union. I had no idea this place existed. I stayed behind Mark and let him show me into the place. It had weird lighting...like a convenience store -- with maybe a little too many overhead fixtures. Whatever. Mark left me alone at a table and went to get a pitcher. "It's Bud. They're out of Bud Light which is what I usually get. Well -- what do you think of this place" "It's so weird in here? Can we sit outside? On the patio?" "Absolutely. It's not rainy any more." The front deck was all wood, like the front of a cabin. Most of the patio crowd was composed of older people...some brought their dogs. This school had a legendary hippie past. Underground cartoonists went here and created chaos. Some of them were celebrities in my mind. I smelled pot smoke. I'd never smoked it myself, but I knew that odor well. It was light and wispy...combined with the Autumn air, it was luxurious. "Hey, Mark...Do you like how Fall smells? I sure do. Always have. Just. Just that smell." "OK. All I smell is those sorority girls' clove cigarettes? Are you a poet or something? I look at you and I can see thoughts leaking out of your ears." "No. I write sometimes, but never poetry." He looked at me intensely. "Let's finish the pitcher and I'll admit something to you. I'm a big guy, so it might be TWO pitchers." He just kept refilling my glass and I made an effort to keep up with him. He was a camel. I sometimes pretended to take a sip when lifting the glass to my mouth. A gust of wind blew some wet leaves across us. It was cool, but not quite cold. I looked at his face. He was so All-American and rugged. Light brown hair, blue eyes and a perfect jaw. Total jock. There was something troubling him, but I'd let the beer bring it out. I felt honored just to be seen with him. "You seem a little uncomfortable...you don't go to bars much, do you?" "Not really," "There's so many bars in this town. There's even a gay bar... Diamonds. Have you heard of it?" "No." "Would you ever go to a gay bar?" "Probably. Why?" "I guess I should just spill it. I'm gay. I used to go to Diamonds...and met the love of my life there." "Oh. Wow. I would have never guessed. I'm gay too. I've never said that out loud before." "I'm honored.I always kind of thought you were, but didn't know for sure until I sat next to you today. You kept sneaking looks at my legs and bare feet...and you give off a need." "A need?" I was a little red-faced. "A need for touch. I have it too. My one true love died seventh months ago. He was always sort of sick when we first met.He had colds and rashes and aches...but he was a dream. Alex. We fucked all the time. And then he got so sick he couldn't get out of bed. He finally told me he had AIDS -- which I'd already guessed. I spent a lot of time looking after him and getting stoned. I was fixing him some lunch when he shouted 'I can't believe it! Angels!'. And that was it. He died. " "I'm so sorry, Mark." "Thanks. I've almost gotten over it, but that longing, that need hasn't gone away." He stared down into his beer. I wanted to touch is hand. "The night after his funeral, I had a hard-on all night." "don't feel bad. You're young and healthy -- boners come from nowhere." "Not all that healthy, Evan." "You're heart is still beating. You're here, and it's a beautiful day." "You make me feel better. You're my poet." His knee touched mine. "I'm NOT a poet." "Yeah. You've got the heart of one. I've had enough beer. Let's walk." He was slightly unsteady on his feet, but wasn't talking drunk. The campus is seductive, with it's tall trees and exquisite landscaping. The surrounding town was nice too.. We were walking down a residential street. It wasn't raining, but still mostly cloudy. That Autumn smell was strong and I felt so good. I felt like I was wearing Mark's letter jacket. Would he be my boyfriend now? This man who likely had HIV in his blood? Maybe I liked the idea. Maybe I wanted him to get me pregnant like so many of the girls in my high school. I think I wanted that. The smell in the air was like a drug for me. I was intoxicated with pure lust and Fall. I wanted to kiss him right there in the middle of Ohio Street. "Well. This is my place." It was a three story red house, divided into apartments. It looked comfortable from the sidewalk. "Let's sit on the porch for a little while.We may as well enjoy the weather before Winter sets in. You've never been through a Winter here, have you?" "No, but I know all about how shitty Winter can be." The porch had a swing and we sat there. I had a pack of Marlboro Lights in my jacket pocket, and really wanted one. "Mind if I smoke?" "No way! You smoke? I can't believe it. Go ahead....and I might ask you for one later." I lit up and just gave him one now. Smoking is bad for you, but inhaling tobacco combined with moist September air is just so nice. It's a nourishment I needed. "This is a nice street, Mark. Peaceful.." "I guess. I feel safe here. The landlord packs a gun and is a republican asshole." He smoked with me as we stared at nothing. And everything. What a great day! Mark stretched out his big legs on the stairs. "Why do you wear shorts and sandals this time of year?" "It's not a fashion statement or anything. I just hate doing laundry. I don't wear underwear...ever." "Oh. Me too. But what are you going to do when it's below zero outside?" "That's too far away. I don't even know what I'll be doing in the next five minutes. Got any suggestions?" Oh God! Really? Was I being seduced? Was something going to happen? "I think you already have a plan, Mark. Am I right?" "Sort of. Let's go inside." We stood up and brushed our selves off a little.He lived on the first floor. "Well, this is it." It was way bigger than my dorm room, high ceilings and carpet. The interior was a little shoddy with cheap paneling. "Nice. Do you have noisy neighbors?" "We did. There was some long-haired dude next door who practiced his electric guitar at all hours, but we got him kicked out. The girls above me play dippy music sometimes, but I can live with that." Mark had a separate bedroom. That must be nice. He was actually living like a grown-up and I was a little jealous. "This is nice." "Well, just relax. I'm going to get out of these damp clothes." I sat on the bed and tried not to stare as he got naked. I finally got to see his dick. It looked pretty average. but only because his body was so big. "You're not built like a swimmer, Mark. You have a great build, but it's more like a rugby body." "Just touch me. I need touch and so do you." I stood up and moved to hug him. "No, Take those damp clothes off first. All of them." I uncomfortably undressed in front of him. I had an inconvenient boner which made it even more awkward. Luckily, Mark had gotten a nice fat erection while watching me. We embraced and I just melted into his arms. A big, built god was holding me. I couldn't help but kiss him on the mouth. We stayed like that for a small slice of eternity, lips locked and boners touching. I held his full, firm ass in my hands. We both expressed our desires with moans. Yes! This is what Fall was meant for! There was no chill in the air as I absorbed the incredible heat from his skin. "This feels so good, Mark." "Yeah. I want it go on forever, but I am really, really ready to go further. Are you?" "Yeah." "Any further and there's no going back. You realize that, right?" "I do. I understand." "Make sure you really do. I have no condoms here." "Let's go to bed." He practically threw me on his unmade bed. It smelled like him, like a man. Mark was on me like a starved animal, grunting and gnawing at my neck. His weight sunk me deeper into the mattress. I could barely move -- he was right about there being no going back. His mouth was like a separate wet beast. Kissing and chewing my face. "You ever had a dick in your mouth?" He was practically out of breath. I never had. "Not yet." I'd imagined sucking a penis for many years. I almost knew what it would be like. He shifted a bit and aimed that dick right at my left eye. He had to move one leg a little so I could grasp it. I swear I could feel his pulse in the organ. It was the most natural thing in the world for me to put it between my lips. I tasted man flesh and Fall. "You like that? You like blowing me? Just watch the teeth. Wish we could do it longer, but I'm very close.I'll fertilize your throat if you want...or we can do this right." I pulled my mouth away long enough to tell him he was in charge. I just was not capable of a decision.Orange and brown flashes of light went off in my brain. "OK. At least I have some lube here. Lay back and try to relax a little. It will probably hurt, but it won't last long...I'm about to bust." The next ten seconds were a swift changing of bodies. There was a wet sound as he squirted a tube of stuff all over his dick Then he fingered my naked anus with it. And then I was staring at the chipped paint on his ceiling with Mark spreading my legs far apart. I was practically doing the splits. I knew where I was and what was happening. A man with a disease was about to fuck me. His dick found an opening and moved in. "NO!!!" "Sshhh. I've got neighbors. It get's better." He just kept going inside, deeper and deeper. Further. My horniness made up for the pain. I was focused on him and his beautiful face. He sped up a little and then a lot. "Ahh. Ahh. I'm breeding you, Mr. Poet. Here's my SEED!" He heaved and seemed to almost fall asleep on top of me. I felt a big part of him become a big part of me. He sighed with relief and fell over next to me. His fingers played with my hair a little and then he was snoozing. Once I heard his breathing get really deep, I reached over and opened the window next to the bed. That smell made sense now. This was always going to happen -- I just had to wait for it. I pulled the comforter over us and dozed off myself. "Hey! You can sleep if you want to, but I thought you should know it's almost five." Shit! If I'd had my regular art history nap, I wouldn't have slept so soundly. I got up and oriented myself for a few seconds. I needed to go. The dining hall closed at 6:30. "I need to leave, Mark. But, thank you." "Thank YOU! I needed that so badly. You were in my dream." I put on my mostly-dry clothes and wondered how to say 'good bye'. Would he walk me to the door? "Well. Have a good evening." "Promise me something, Evan. Promise you'll write a poem for me every day." "I'm not a poet, Mark." "Well...try. Or leave a love note. Every single day." "Yeah. OK." "Give it to me or leave it in my mailbox on the porch." He turned over and resumed sleeping. I showed myself out without really thinking about locking the door. The walk back to the dorm was made a little difficult by the pain in my insides. I absorbed the Autumn smells and felt blessed. I did indeed write a poem or note for Mark every day. I saw him so often that it seemed silly, but it was our thing. By next Fall, he had moved without a word. That didn't stop me from writing him every day for the rest of my life.
  13. (a long time ago) From a very young age, my parents pushed religion on me. I'm probably not alone in that background. I thought it was pretty entertaining, but it never seemed "real". Looking back, I think I was drawn to all the magical parts of the bible. Parting seas, a flood covering the Earth, burning bushes, talking snakes, and people turning into salt. Wow! I had an uncle who was dying of lung cancer right when I first learned to read. I had to sit in the hospital waiting room for hours on end. There were very few books for kids there. "Stories From the Bible". It had great illustrations and I had practically memorized them after four weeks. That whole deal with Noah's Ark was fascinating. Imagine being on a boat with every animal ever. I had so many questions: What about every bug? What about the animals who only ate other animals? I was such a sucker for the magical things that might possibly happen at any time. It probably didn't help that I was watching "Bewitched" and "I Dream of Jeanie" every day after school. Those shows taught me that the supernatural was ordinary and very common. One year, I actually spent a whole Summer looking for a genie bottle. It wasn't until I was in second grade that I changed obsessions. Science was my new religion. I was flabbergasted by the fact that plants gave us air to breathe and that Godzilla-looking creatures once walked the Earth really and were for real. It was the concept of the solar system that really blew my mind. It was almost impossible to imagine other worlds with nobody living on them -- then why were they even there? And Jupiter had a whole bunch of moons and there was nobody living there to even see them in the night sky? Made now sense. Mystery and magic were up there somewhere. I remember sitting on our sofa at home and reading aloud from my science book. "Pluto is even colder than Alaska. All the time. Can you imagine that??" Mom was ironing and watching one of her soap operas. She didn't respond. Both parents were good at tuning me out, and I was used to it. Saturn was my favorite planet. It seemed like you could just walk on the rings, even though I knew from science that they were made of dust and rocks. You couldn't really even stand on the rings. Dang! A few years later, our teacher Mr. Nielman told us about an eclipse coming this April. ON my birthday! It was't going to be a full eclipse. Only people living somewhere interesting would see the complete one. We learned about it for weeks. Mr Nielman must have thought we were dumb because his quizzes were so easy and he kept trying to explain what an eclipse was over and over again. Who didn't get it by now? The moon moved between the sun and the Earth for a few minutes. That was it. And we wouldn't even get to see the complete one....just a glimpse of a corner of the sun disappearing. I wished so bad that we could see a total eclipse...because it seemed like magic in a way. Maybe a whole new world would open up in the sky. Fantastical winged creatures would swoop down and we could ride them above the clouds. Science and magic would come together at last! We were told over and over again we mustn't look at the sun during this event. Who didn't know that already? For art class, we made these dumb little cardboard boxes where you could see the eclipse. I wanted mine to be perfect. I really put effort into it, even though I knew I'd be tempted to look at the magic with my naked eyes. Would I go blind? Nope. It rained heavily on the big day. Bummer. I wasn't too sad because it was still my birthday after all. I got some books and colored markers and a big sheet of blank paper to draw on. I got birthday cards from a few relatives, but who even cares about getting dumb greeting cards? (not so long ago) I got older and stayed interested in science and the universe. I didn't end up getting a degree in anything scientific because that would require some knowledge of math. Math...ugh. Numbers made no sense to me. Still don't. It takes me too much time to figure out how much to tip a waitress. My brain didn't work that way. I got an art degree and was doing a lot of freelance cartooning for magazines and had built up some good business online. Things were fine, professionally. Socially, though, I was as stunted as you'd imagine a guy look me would be. I knew a few of my neighbors and talked to people online. I had a few "fans" from my computer stuff and my blog. We chatted and exchanged pleasantries. There was one guy who emailed me all the time. He even sent photos of himself. Not bad-looking at all. He had reddish-blonde hair and a full beard. He seemed close to my age and obviously really into fitness. He kept asking for my cell number, but I blew him off. He lived two states away and maybe he would be disappointed in my voice or how I talked or something. I always felt inferior .. for years. Lo and behold, there was going to be a visible eclipse in my stupid city. 100%! It was in the news for the whole Summer. We were in "the path of total coverage". Maybe I'd get to see a magic world after all. The kid in me had shrunk to almost nothing because I worried about traffic coming in and strangers standing in the street. I more or less just wanted it over with. It was like The Super Bowl was coming to town. Another chat request from Jeff: "Hi!! What's up? It's Jeff. How have you been? Did you know there's going to be a total eclipse of the sun in your area?" "God, yes. It's all we hear about. I used to be into stuff like this. It's going to be a headache." "Well...I want to come there for a visit. Can I stay with you one night? All the hotels are booked. I want to see it, and I even bought the special glasses." "I guess. You better not be a serial killer. LOL" "I promise I'm not. Did I tell you how much I liked your comic about Arnold's first time seeing 'Rocky Horror'? It felt like I was reading a page out of my life. How do you do that?" "Thanks. I was proud of that one." "I'll see you a week from today. Are you still on Juniper Street?" "Um..yeah. How did you know my street?" pause "I guess you told me...or I found it with Google." "Oh okay. It starts at noon. Will you make it by then?" "Sure. I'll leave at two in the morning and be there in plenty of time. If I can spend the night at your place, I'll leave the very next morning." "Sounds good. My cell is --- -----" "I can't wait!" What a mix of feelings I had. Was this smart? Why did I say 'yes' so fast? Did he like me in a different kind of way? Why did I post that very personal comic. I'd insinuated before that the Arnold character was me. And he was gay. I sometimes shared too much. For the next few days, Jeff sent me tons of emails with pics attached. Lots of his face and upper torso. Was he nude?? And also his dog....a lovable mutt. He also sent a photo of him standing by his car. He was a tall guy. Big and husky. His notes always had smiling faces with them. And then kissing faces....and hearts. I hesitated to reply to those emails. What was on his mind? And then he sent me a nude shot of himself. Damn! He was muscular and had a very impressive penis. What? Seriously? Then he sent a close-up of his hard dick. What have I done? He was sending me things that straight guys send to their girlfriends. I didn't even know him. His note: "I can hardly wait to meet you. I hope these pics are not offensive. I just feel like I know you so well. I love you already and have for awhile. If you are freaked out by that -- I can't help it. I'm an honest guy." He was. I knew it somehow. I spent that night in bed, thinking about the photos. Those strong legs...the hard penis... The day of the eclipse arrived and I had barely slept a wink. He'd here before noon. I was a neat person, but I worried about first impressions too much. What if he immediately changed his mind when he got here? My mind kept playing tricks on me... I heard cars pull up that weren't there. I swore I saw the sky getting dimmer, but it hadn't yet. About 12:15, a very real car pulled into my driveway. The doorbell rang. A very sweat-soaked Jeff came in. "Sorry I'm late. Traffic is unbelievable...and my air conditioner broke halfway here. I'm a mess. I'd ask to use your shower, but it's almost zero hour." "Do you want to go somewhere to watch." "No time...and the traffic is a mess. I didn't know you had so many trees around here. We won't see much from your porch. Any clear sky close to here?" "Yeah...let's go out back." There was an empty lot behind my backyard. I passed it almost daily. They were going to build an "urgent care" clinic there. All the trees were gone and there was just gravel and openness. "It's starting. Don't look at it!" The sky was looking different. More purple. No clouds. It took everything I had not to glance into the sun. I was so tempted! "I have my glasses. Put them on because I know you want to look up." They were a little damp from his sweaty body. So dark. It was like wearing a blindfold almost. Then I saw a gray circle with what looked like a bite being taken out of faintly glowing cookie. Cool! It could end now and I'd be satisfied. This is more than I'd ever expected as a kid. So I was fine with Jeff wearing the glasses for a few minutes. As he gazed into the sky, I snuck a few glances at his body. He was wearing shorts, flip-flops and a random t-shirt that had a lot of dampness in the armpits. Poor guy. He'd earned this. The light was still changing. Birds were alarmed and very quiet. I told Jeff about how I used to believe a total eclipse would be like a hole for another world to enter through. I'd expected something special and life-changing. But no. "You should make a comic about that. You are so good with words...and your drawings. Oh shit! It's almost halfway now. Here...look!" "No. You keep watching. You went to a lot of trouble to see this I'm happy just being with you as you enjoy this." He stared up and also grabbed my hand. It felt like the most natural thing in the world when he did it. His sweaty big paw was just so over-sized and strong. I thought my knees would buckle as we stayed like that for four or five minutes. The sky changed from light purple to a slow dark gray. Crickets and frogs began to sing. "It's half there...LOOK!" I did. The window to another world was opening. I'd seen more than I thought I ever would. I was about to hand the glasses back to Jeff. "No. Keep looking. I need to tell you something. Don't take the glasses off. I have AIDS. None of the medications work on me. I've been so alone since finding that out. Like a monk. But that's when I found your cartoons online and saw your profile pic. I shamelessly searched the whole internet for more info about you. You've been my pretend boyfriend for over a year. But now you're here and real. I've been wanting to love you for so long. You can tell me to go right now and I will." "Stay, Jeff. It's almost time." The streetlights blinked on. It was dusk at 1 PM. Jeff glanced up at the event as I rubbed his forearm. I was probably in love with him now. He smelled like my sexiest dreams. Sundown was coming in the middle of the day. Dogs were barking from all directions. I wondered about that dog of Jeff's. Did he put him in a kennel or get a pet-sitter? What did the animals think was happening right now? They had internal clocks and this was probably very scary for them. Speaking of scary... AIDS. I knew a lot about it. But I don't think I'd ever met anybody with the virus. I assumed medicine had advanced far enough that it wasn't killing people anymore. I knew what the bug did, but I never considered the actual human part of it. I guess I had to now. There was a sexy big man standing inches away from me who had it inside of him. It was a strain that resisted all the new drugs. But he said he loved me. I pretty much put my whole life online with my cartoons and my blog. Jeff knew almost everything about him, and all I knew was what his dick looked like. "Be smart", I told myself. "Oh, WOW! It's almost total now! Here, look" The eclipse had been an afterthought now. A security light on the construction site came on. We were exposed. I looked up and there it was. A full and complete eclipse. The door was open now. A hole in reality. Maybe the bible was real and this would be the end of the world. Plagues would come and the dead would rise. "It's like something from a science fiction movie! I'm impressed as fuck!" "Cool, isn't it? I thought it looked like an album cover. Ever hear that song 'Black Hole Sun'?" "Great song. Here...you take the glasses now, Jeff." He looked for a few minutes longer. And I studied his body some more. I could tell he was getting hard. When I reached to hold his hand again, he guided my hand down to his groin. I was glad. I wouldn't have dared do that on my own. A big, hard dick with HIV in it. "It's past completion now. Wow. What a rush." "That light is bugging me now. Let's go sit in your backyard and sit for a little. I bet you'll get a good tan from this. You needed it." As we walked back, the sky got slightly brighter. Like pre-dawn. We sat at the wooden picnic table that had been here since I bought the house. It needed some paint, but I seldom felt the need to picnic. "This is a nice backyard. I can't believe how huge the trees are here. Hold on...I'll be right back." Jeff walked in my backdoor and then came back with his laptop bag. "Your house smells nice. Do you burn incense?" "Sage. The smell of it always gives me ideas." I was afraid he wanted to do something on the internet right now, but he just searched through the bag and found a joint. It didn't shock me or anything. I smoked pretty regularly. There was a teen in my neighborhood who was selling weed instead of getting a Summer job. We blew out our clouds and chatted randomly. The thing about weed is that I usually think too much. Alcohol is a social drug, but weed is not. I looked around at the changing light and weird shadows. I guess the new world hadn't come through after all. I started talking my thoughts out loud.... "I don't know what I was expecting. I thought something major would happen. It's like Christmas, you know? Everybody builds it up for months and then it's over." "You're disappointed? My dad died not all that long ago. He was born in 1937 and never got to see what we just saw." Good point, Jeff." It was. "But what are you thinking about what I told you before? And about us fooling around?" He'd said a lot in a short time. "I think I really like you, Jeff."" I the false morning light, I saw his face nearly crack in half with a smile. "But I'm poz. Does that scare you?" "Maybe a little. I've never met anybody who had it." "Never? I figured you probably spent too much time inside, drawing and writing. What about when I told you I was in love with you?" He'd kicked off one of his flip-flops and rested his big bare foot on my knee. "I can't help it." "My first thought was that it was too soon. I was going to explain how you didn't know me, but I realized everything about me is public...for all to see. Everything I put out there online is personal. I don't have that kind of information about you." He grabbed my hand from across the picnic table. "Feel me. You'll know it all." It was nice to be holding hands, but it didn't tell me much. He was perfect and I had a painful erection. A begging hard-on. The sky started to lighten more. It's almost as if the sun had had a concussion and was just now coming to. Birds resumed singing. It was all so perfect. "Here's what I feel, Jeff. I feel like you're not a stranger, but someone from the new world that opened today. Someone who I feel like I already know." 'Wow. I could listen to you talk all day. Tell me more." "I also feel like I don't want you leave in the morning. I want you to stay longer, but you've got a dog who probably misses you." "Bo? He's staying with my mom and she spoils him like you wouldn't believe. I can stay for a few more days, but I doubt I'll be able to leave you here." "I could listen to your voice all day too." "Well, listen now. We're going inside and we're going to make love. I'm pretty much past the point of turning back now." "I am too. Let's go." Jeff left his flips underneath the picnic table and I wonder if he knew how much I liked his feet. I'd massaged his sole as we talked. Once inside, I turned the AC up a little higher. With company, I usually fussed with throw pillows or tried to find some nice background music. Now, however, I felt primal. I just wanted this man. Badly. "Is it alright if I get a glass of water? I think I've sweated about ten gallons of liquid out of me." "I'll get it for you." I went to the kitchen and got a glass from the cabinet. I turned around to ask if he wanted ice, but he was right behind me. He'd taken off his sweaty t-shirt and exposed his toned hairy torso. He didn't look sick at all. "Oh hi. Did you want some ice? I've got Diet Pepsi too. Or a beer?" His eyes were the color of wheat. And he smelled like August felt. "I'll take a beer." I watched him gulp it down in thirty seconds. "Ah. That's better. I'll have another one if you've got it." " I do. I'm always prepared for guests." "Great.But you have to have one with me. And I'm not a 'guest'... I'm your other half." So we sat on kitchen stools and drank our beers. I knew from very limited experience, that alcohol made me horny....but I was beyond horny. I couldn't even see 'horny' in the rear-view mirror. I had barely finished my third sip when Jeff crushed his can and let it drop to the floor...like he was at a campground or something. Huh? It was rude and I almost pointed out the trashcan next to him.. "You're a very good host, but the politeness has to end. I'm in charge now, and we're going to kiss." And he bent down and took my chin in one hand. Our mouths touched and it was the softest, most erotic kiss I could ever imagine. But that changed. He was practically devouring my face. Almost violently. I knew the hunger he had because I felt it too. And while I knew it was almost impossible to get HIV from kissing, damned if I didn't want it now! He held me in sweaty, hairy bear hug and squeezed the oxygen out of me. He moved his mouth to my right ear and groaned a few words. I didn't even care what they were. He pulled away and looked at me. "Well?" "Well what?" "I just told you to suck me and you're still just standing there." "Oh...sorry. I didn't underst -" He forced me to my knees. Right there in my own kitchen. I could do this. I wanted to do this. I pulled his cotton shorts down and was looking at his big, hard penis. The pink head was right at eye level and I could see the gaping pee hole clearly. Talk about a hole to another world! "It's OK. Go ahead and just kiss it right now." I could have just put my lips on the head, but I took as much of his dick in my mouth as I thought I could handle. He tasted just like he smelled. It was something I felt born to do. I was meant to suck this man's cock and like it. He was maybe a little impatient, and thrust too far down past my tongue. I thought I'd throw up. He read me and eased up a little. "Oh man! You are a natural! I am too close to stop...gonna cum in your mouth. SHIT! Get ready!" I wanted that more than anything in the world. Before I had any time to think more, a gush of hot, milky fluid spilled between my lips. I couldn't compare the taste to anything. I grabbed his bare ass, held him close and drank greedily. It was done. I had just sucked a dick. I'd been marked and branded by this man. He stepped back and helped me up. "Wow. That was...that was great, Jeff. Thanks." "Did you just thank me for cumming in your mouth? Cut the politeness shit. Now. Take me to your bed." We were nude and walking into my bedroom. I'd made up the spare for him, but I wanted him to sleep with me now. My bed was made and the room was clean. Jeff looked around and said, "Open the blinds a little. I need to piss. You want to watch?" I did. But...But why? I should only open the blinds a little. My street was popular with joggers and kids on bikes and... "Why are you so slow? You want me to pee on your carpet or something? Get up and show me where the bathroom is." I hurried and opened the door, flicked on the light and he went right to the toilet. He stood and aimed his dick down. The stream was heavy and pretty dark. I knew that being dehydrated did that to your urine. "You like that. I'll pee in your mouth some day. And on your face." "Yeah. I want you to do that." "Not now. Leave me be for a minute. Get in bed and relax. GO!" I did. I wanted to feel him next to me. I had a complete hard-on, but hadn't thought to take a few seconds to give myself relief. It was all about Jeff now. I heard the shower go on. He was cleaning himself. Damn. He was washing all that wonderful sweat away! If he used my soap, he'd smell just like me. Like Dial Sports Scent. Damn. He walked into my bedroom wiping himself with a towel. "Your shower is nice. Good water pressure." "Why did you wash up? You were fine as you were." "Shut up for now, okay? I just came...and it'll take a little while to get it back and ready. We're going to do some things. You didn't jack off, did you?" "No. I didn't." "Good. It would hurt my feelings if you had." He scooted under the sheets with me and wrapped a deodorized arm around me. I couldn't pout at this point. He would hate that. He said we'd do some "things". Like what? Fuck? Actual gay butt sex? As his body dried and got warmer, Jeff started to smell like Jeff again. Nice. "I'm going to lay back now while you suck my dick. Get it hard. Don't forget my balls." I got up and moved between his legs. This was a little more effort than it was before. My neck ached a bit, but I wanted to please this man. It got heavier and thicker in my mouth. I could do this every day and not get tired of it! "Lick my balls, man." I did. They were hairy and loose. I awkwardly tried to lick every part of them, but he was pushing the top of my head down. He wanted the very back of his sack attended to, I guess. Then I somehow figured out he wanted his anus licked. Another hole to a new world. He knew that I knew what he wanted and lifted his legs up over me. I dove right in and tongued his butt like I'd done it a hundred times before.It didn't smell or taste like poo. It was hot down there. It tasted hot. I was glad he didn't want to do this to me -- I don't think I would like it. His full boner was bouncing off the top of my head. "You amaze me...and you put in the work. I'll let you lie back now. I'll do some things." It felt good to lie flat on my back. I breathed out. It was a regular afternoon outside. The secret other world had closed but left this perfect man in my bed. Jeff was checking out the ceiling. Oh God...what was he planning? I was a little afraid...especially when he stood on the mattress and reached up to steady himself by keeping his fingers on on the stucco. "I know you like my feet for some reason. They're big and gross, but this is for you." A foot came down on my face. His fat sole was pressed over my mouth and nose. I should like this, right? I tried, but it felt a little like abuse. I could never tell him that. He was lifting my legs up and positioning his super hard erection between my two feet. He held them together and masturbated himself between my two smooth soles. I was glad I took care of them. I used a pumice stone on the bottoms every time I showered. I'd never seen this in a porn video before (and I'd seen more than a few). He was working his hips into a frenzy. "I can tell you think this is weird. Just give me a minute. Suck my toes." I did. He maybe needed to trim the nails a little, but this is the man I loved. His big toes were like candy to me. He stopped. Did he cum again? No. I would have felt it rain down on me. "OK. This is it. I'm going to fuck your little ass now. I brought lube with me, but it's in my bag which I left out back. I'll use spit. That'll help." He spit in his hand and rubbed that glorious prick. "Grab your ankles and fold your knees as tight as you can. Relax your stomach muscles as much as you can. Don't be tense." I did as told. It wasn't exactly easy. But this is what gays did. I thought about the things Jeff had done when some man infected him. I was ready. Or so I thought. That dick just kept hurting me as it tried going into me. No. I could go back to the other things, but this didn't feel good at all. Forget it. Next lifetime, maybe. "Damn! You need to help out here. Let me in. Open that shit up a little..." I wanted to. I wanted this. But it wouldn't happen now. Maybe if there lube or something or m --- AHHHGGGG! He drove his giant dick right into me. It was not a pleasure at all. I should have never answered the door when he arrived. GODDAMN! Why did gay men ever do this?? HOW? "I'm all the way in...right up to my balls. I'll go slow. Please stop crying. That makes me feel bad. It'll get better soon. Let it get better." He just kept pumping. I felt his weight was giving him power. His muscular hips were doing what his hormones made him do. I was participating volunteering. It felt almost nice for a few seconds. "Good boy. You are getting me in you so fucking deep now. Look at me." I tried. He was a little blurry through the tears in my eyes, but I saw his loving expression, He wasn't doing anything I didn't secretly want. A heavenly shudder shook me. "Yeah. There you go. I;m going to cum. You already did. Did you notice? It smells good. Here is mine....again...it's going in..it's..SHIT! I just came in you." He let me relax my legs at last. Would I feel the virus go though me? How long before I'd be sick? Jeff settled down next to me. "You OK?" "I'm cool. So it's early. Want to nap for a while and I'll make dinner later?" "YES. Let me go call Mom and tell her I'll be coming home a few days later than planned. We're going to do all this again several more times. OK?" "Go call and tell her "hi" from me." I never got rid of Jeff after that day. He stayed for a week and then a month. We made one trip to get Bo and some of his stuff. He asked me to marry him when we stopped for gas on I-70. He already a ring in his pocket. I said "yes" right away. Bo is in my backyard and Jeff is always next to me. At all times. I'm poz now, but we're both healthy. I got my own magical creature from that time when the sky opened. I hoped everyone was a s lucky as me.
  14. Getting fucked vs getting bred

    I'm fine with just his dick inside of me. If he cums, I can't feel it or see it...so why be picky? If a poz guy fucks you and doesn't cum, you still might get knocked up.
  15. shoot inside

    I like both, actually. Once a bare dick is in your ass, pulling out is pretty much beside the point. It's already in you.

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