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1050 Much Loved

About Toon

  • Rank
    Sex Addict
  • Birthday 04/13/1967

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  • Gender
  • Location
    Suburban Kansas City
  • Interests
    Books, 90's music, zombie movies, rocks, fossils & minerals, paranormal stuff,
  • HIV Status
    Neg, Recently Tested
  • Role
    Versatile Bottom
  • Background
    Midwestern laidback dude with a good brain. Professional, casual,sane.
  • Porn Experience
  • Looking For
    Verbal, aggressive guys who mostly like to top. Poz guys, bearded and hairy guys, and men who like to called "Sir".

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  1. Mr. Pear Man, 


  2. pt. 1 is here "That's Aldo. He told me was Puerto Rican. We ended up dating a little after the movie was over." On screen,they traded blow jobs and then Aldo fucked him from behind. No condom, but lots of lubricant from somewhere. It was hot, but got monotonous after a few minutes. "This scene was short over the course of two hours because he kept losing his woody. But wait a few seconds. It was a close-up shot of Aldo's bare ass pumping vigorously into Houston. He was a vocal top and never stopped 'shit' and 'fuck'. "Right there! See how he pauses and squeezes his ass together? And then just keeps going? He'd already shot his load inside of me, but then a few minutes later, he claims he can't cum and is losing his boner. The director told him to take a break." Wow. I was having a hard time wrapping my brain around all of this. "Not many poz guys get the moment they were bugged on tape." "I do," Lloyd said quietly. "That's a homemade tape, and you knew what was happening at the time." Carl turned to me. "We don't share that one." I was stunned, silent. "Do we have to watch the rest of this? At least let me mute it." Lloyd pressed the remote and we all then sat and watched in silence for a few minutes. I was ready to explode with so many feelings and could not handle the quiet. I turned to Lloyd. "Do you have an HIV+ tattoo as well?" He looked at Carl "You showed him that picture?? Why?" "I just showed him the one on my belly. He said he liked all the pics, so I guess that means the tat one too." "Oh. OK. Yes, Matt. I went and got one as a surprise for Carl, but he doesn't like it." "It's just badly placed and they made it too big." "Can I see it?" I suppose it was time to get things going. Lloyd stood in the middle of the living room and peeled off his shirt. There it was. On the right side of his torso was a huge bio-hazard symbol onside a circle with some Latin words around it. It covered that entire part of his rib cage. I could do nothing but stare. "I designed it myself. It took all day, and there was supposed to be color added the next afternoon, but I couldn't handle any more pain." I guess he read too much in my stare because he took off his shoes, socks and pants as well. Oh God. I was in this now. His underwear bulge was big and odd looking. "Jesus, Lloyd. You gonna dance now?" Carl sounded very annoyed. "You gotta have music to dance...hold on." He went to the stereo and then there was gay bar music. Erasure was the group I think. "Wait. Matt hasn't seen my new tattoos yet." Carl then stripped completely nude. So weird to see a video take and the real thing at once. He was only about half hard but still very daunting. His eyes met mine for a second. I guess they both knew by now that I wasn't mad... just horny and willing. "Check it out" he said as he turned around to show me his backside. I saw the red kissing lips he had inked on his left butt cheek. It seemed kind of dumb, but whatever. "And this one." He lifted his foot in the air and held his right calf out so I could see the little tat of a scorpion. I got on my knees to get a better look. "You know what that signifies?" "You're a Scorpio?" He laughed. "I was born the day after Christmas. So I'm not a Scorpio." He turned around and I saw he was completely erect. Damn! It was a work of art. I guess Lloyd was feeling a little left out because he came up right behind me and stood. "Yeah, he's got a porn-perfect cock, but mine is like nothing you've ever seen." He was sure right about that. I turned around and there was this giant, potato-like dick that didn't seem to be possible. It was so pale and weird. I marveled and couldn't even really tell if he was cut or not. So odd. "Well. If you don't kiss it, my feelings will be hurt." I leaned over a kissed the underside of the head and reached one hand out to feel his nut sack. It was tight and wrinkly, and the texture was similar to the bottom of rain boot. "Lloyd! You can't make the poor guy try to take that. He's new and you'll make him suffer. BACK OFF!" Lloyd stepped away from my face and hand. Carl was the boss here, I guess. "Give him to me for a little. Hey, Matt....want to kiss the lip tattoo?" Yes. I crawled over and put my lips directly on the ink. I thought about how many times I'd heard the phrase 'kiss my ass' without ever picturing it as an actual activity. I smooched his butt cheek and reached around to his crotch with one hand. He was hard as slab of marble. "Move to my crack, OK?" I did. I inhaled the man musk and wasn't the least bit offended. I rubbed my nose up and down the crevice -- knowing my mouth on his hole. I had never imagined I'd like it as much as I did. It wasn't so much the smell or the taste that was appealing as much as it was servicing someone confident and in charge. "Oh damn, that's gonna get me off! I...damn!" I pulled away only because I wanted him to cum a different way. "I guess we're not in the doghouse anymore, Carl. He might even be into us." "Yeah...he's pretty horned up. I'm going to take him to my room now." "Can I join you...or at least watch?" Lloyd sounded like a kid begging his dad for a toy. "We'll see. Leave us in private for a little while. Come on, Matt. Let's go play around." I followed naked Carl to a dim room. The bed was neatly made and there was a cozy lamp already on next to it. This had all been planned. I was grinning on the inside. "Take your clothes off...let me get a look at what I've got here." I did. Quickly, giving away how eager I was. "Wow." he said as he rubbed my chest and shoulders. "You're skin is so smooth. Nice dick too. Turn around and let me see that ass. Oh FUCK! That's so cute and tiny. Shit!" He maneuvered me to the bed and lied me flat on my back. I suppose there was no going back now. He then climbed on top of me and his nude weight pushed me deeper down into the mattress. I felt his dick rub against mine as we kissed. If this was all there was to fucking, I'd still say I loved sex. I mean it. I didn't need anything more. But of course we had just started. "You've never been fucked before?" "I have once. My very first boyfriend fucked me when I was 21. It didn't feel all that great, but at least we used a condom. I thought I loved him." I couldn't believe that, with everything that was happening just then, I was talking about that jerk. "Did you use lube?" "Yeah. KY." "Oh, there's way better stuff now. What about poppers?" "No. I've heard about that. I know what it is." "We'll probably need some and I've got a new bottle ready to go if you need it." "Sorry I'm so clueless about everything, Carl." "Shh. I'm about to give you so many clues about so many things. Hold on." He got up off the bed and rifled through a dresser drawer. My eyes were shut, but when I felt his weight back on the bed I opened them. "Since you're not all that broken in yet, the easiest position for us will be where you're on your hands and knees. Yeah. Like that. Now pull your knees closer as close to the front as you can. Good." I felt vulnerable and exposed. And then he was rubbing some oily lotion around my butt hole. He was working his finger inside of me. "Does that hurt?" "No. It's not bad." "Goddamn, you are really tight. You need to be opened up all over again. Let me try two fingers..." Now that hurt a little. "Relax, baby. I need to get at least three fingers in there before we can do anything more." He shifted a little and produced a little brown bottle with the cap off. "Inhale through one nostril ...as deeply as you can. Good. One more. How you feelin' now?" My head lifted into the clouds as my body sank into a warm lake. I was relaxed at the same time I was keenly aware of my nerve endings. The nerve endings in my ass wanted him to never take those fingers away. My heart was beating in a faster and deeper like a disco song's bass line. I was aware that Carl was taking his own sniffs of that magic potion now. I kept my eyes closed because I was really digging the flashing dots showing themselves, encouraging me. I lifted my head again and asked him for a few more whiffs. "Okay...but how about just one for now. I've got four fingers in you already." Wow. At that second I would have taken five or six. I took more deep huff and everything I loved about the effects doubled. I almost cried when he slowly took his fingers out little by little. I was almost in mourning for that sensation when He poked the hot head of his big dick between my butt cheeks. I felt a little jolt of pain try to get my attention, but I willed it leave me alone. "Get ready. Take one more sniff, OK?" He let me have three inhales. That little hurt I'd felt was so far gone beneath of the sound of blood flowing past my eardrums. "Here we go." And then he drilled all the way inside of me. Shit! This pain was harder to fight back. It felt like his cock was three foot long and was hitting my neck from down there. I cried out a little, but he rescued me with the sacred bottle to smell. "Fuck, man....this is so fucking nice. Here -- can you hold the bottle. Take as much as you need." Oh, I sure did. The bed moved again as I felt Lloyd's hands on the side of my head. He was squatting down in front of me on the bed. How perfect! He pushed the head of that freakish penis up to my lips. The two of them didn't say a word to each other. I was just a pleasure object to these men and I loved that idea. Carl picked up the pace of his thrusting and was breathing heavily. It didn't occur to me at that moment that I had two HIV+ weapons plugged into me. It was just about the love my whole body was feeling. Every single cell. "Lloyd, Buddy, are you getting close?" "Almost, You?" "I'm gonna fucking shoot ....NOW!" He heaved and then was still like a statue. "Cum on his back." A few seconds later I felt heavy drops of Lloyd's hot semen puddle onto my spine. "Good job." Carl drug his fingers through it and scooped some onto his shaft that had partly pulled out out of me. He plowed back in and the mixture of their hot loads were pounded up inside of my ass. "Just keeping it all in the family," They both laughed. We collapsed in a pile and I my ass empty again. The slush of so much cum, sweat and probably blood was not comfortable. We were a trio of funky brothers sleeping in a post-lust pile. At some point, I had a cramp in my shoulder from sleeping in such a weird position. I needed the bathroom anyway, so I peeled myself away from the heap of men. The bathroom was neat and clean for something shared by two males. I had dried blood/goo on my backside, and I cleaned up with wet toilet paper. My butt was aching, but in an almost wonderful way. I stepped into the hall and Lloyd was right there to meet me. "Everything OK?" He was naked and still beautiful. "Yeah. My shoulder hurts and I think I'm going to crash on your couch if that's alright." "No problem. I can only get good sleep when I'm all alone in bed. I'll bring you some stuff." He came back with a pillow, blanket and a pair of cotton shorts. "In case you don't like to sleep nude. Want some socks?" "No. Thanks. This is all I need." I was suddenly very tired. "Let me get you all tucked-in, Matt." He fussed and made sure I was comfortable. This felt better. I watched his ass as he walked away. "Hold on." He came back with a glass of water and a bunch of antacid tablets. "In case you get stomach acid from the wine. Carl always does." "Thanks, man." He knelt right next to me with his face a few inches from mine. "I need to tell you something else." I got scared all of the sudden. More surprises? "You need to know that your pal Theresa helped us get you. She and Carl are friends from back during his drug days. They don't get along very well, but she obviously owed him big favors for something. Holy shit. I hope this was the last plot twist. "Are you mad?" "I feel like an idiot. I mean, I'm happy that this night happened, but I always confided in her and trusted her. She was my best friend -- 'was' being the key word." "That's between her and Carl. I didn't know it was a set-up until that night after you two left. Well, I'm going to go sleep in my own bed. We can all talk about it more in the morning. Carl gave us both the day off. Me and him, I mean." And then I was alone in the dark, the almost dark. We'd left the TV on and it was a blue 'menu' screen. I liked the light. I let sleep overtake me -- with no thoughts about the possible consequences of what I'd done earlier. There was plenty of time for that later. I slept better than I have in months. In the morning we all sat at the kitchen table in our half-dressed state. There was casual chatter mixed in with serious talk. We had so much to discuss because they'd both decided that they wanted me to come back and see if we could all have a repeat. I was more than agreeable. NOW It's still hard for me to believe that this all happened two decades ago. We are all still together and all doing fine. Gay marriage is legal now, but not for three men. Still, we consider ourselves all to be 'husband and husband and husband'. We live in a different house even though their old one meant so much to me. I never talked to Theresa again and I have no idea where she is now. I realized I will always be stupid enough to believe in love, but at least I'd found it.
  3. TWENTY YEARS AGO Ever see pictures of yourself as a 20-something, and thought "I can't believe I was ever that young?"? I do that but I also add a "You knew NOTHING back then." as well. I really did not have a single clue when was I was 23. I'd just graduated and moved to a big city. I was gay and had my first sexual encounter with a man two months ago. He was in my technical writing class. We shyly met up for beers a few times before either of us made a move. It was safe sex all the way and not that big of a thrill. I figured we were boyfriends at that point, but we weren't. Not in his mind, anyway. I thought he was a jerk, but he was just being honest. I'd grown up my whole life thinking that gay couples followed the same path to marriage that straight people did. I'd be Joanie and find my Chachi. It would happen naturally and with no effort. It was and is confusing and painful when I got rejected. The lesson I took from the whole experience with Rico was that gay guys just fooled around and never really 'dated'. Talk about a bitter pill to swallow. I placed a single red rose on the grave of my romantic thoughts and decided to just go and have fun. I made fast friends with a girl at work. She was a chubby gal with a golden heart and a wicked sense of humor. We were always talking and laughing. I was about to confess my sexuality to her when she stopped me and said,"I know." She shrugged. "I seem to have a knack for picking gay guys." "You're the first straight person I've ever wanted to tell, Theresa." My family might not ever find out if I could help it. "I think that Brian guy in your department is gay too, but he's hiding behind Jesus." "Really? You have to teach me how to spot them." "It'll come naturally. You probably just need to go out more. I always have a blast at gay bars. You should come with me to "The Edge". My step-brother is a DJ there and I know everybody." I'd heard of the place. It was technically gay. but so hip and trendy that the young heteros had found it. "They'd never let me in there." "I'm your golden ticket, baby! We may have to go shopping first. You dress like your mom buys all your clothes. No offense." Mom actually did. "Oh. OK." "Your hair isn't so bad. The scruffy, messy look is hot now. Would you let me add a blonde streak or two?" Would I? Oh what the hell. Theresa was my fairy fagmother. "Want to come over and smoke a bowl with me after work, have a 'happy hour'?" She later arrived at my door my door with a legal pad. "What's that? Your dream journal?" "No, Funny Boy. I need to look at your wardrobe and make notes of what you need to get...which I'm guessing is a lot." She waddled straight to my bedroom and started going through my stuff. I stood there like a charity case while she looked and took notes. "Shoes is at the top of the list. You need something besides loafers and gym shoes. Boots, maybe. And some black jeans. We basically can't use anything you have. We need to hit the mall...and a few vintage stores. You need some funk, some edge." We got stoned and watched some old science fiction movie. "And my hair?.." "Oh, I'll handle that myself. I think I'm changing my mind about the blonde streak, though. We can wait until later for that. I'm going to turn you into a new Matt." That whole next week, we shopped for me. I normally just found shit in my size and bought it. Theresa made me try everything on so she could judge it. I was getting sick of her voice after a few days. We went to thrift stores and scary little consignment shops. I only had two credit cards and we killed one of them totally. I hated being so helpless when it came to fashion. I hoped that aspect of my gayness will emerge at some point. By Friday, I was so far beyond prepared that it was almost like we'd already gone out. I arrived at Theresa's apartment sometime after 8 PM. She made me come to her place because that was where she kept all the 'final touches' I'd need. I would only let her put a minimal amount of makeup on me, but let her have final say on the hair. She fussed over me and made little adjustments and then I was a finished product. I looked like a crazy convict dressed to attend a hip private school. I thought I looked ready to go trick-or-treating, but just thanked her for all her efforts. "Ready to go?" "Are you kidding? Nobody goes out this early! Let's stay here and have a few drinks...just be careful how you sit...and don't touch your face or your hair. I'll bring lip gloss with me. Settle your nerves a little, you'll sweat all my hard work away. We drank some gin and tonics and talked about everything in the world. She wanted to know if I could dance. "Not really. I dance by myself at home sometimes...but not to the kind of music you'd like." "Just don't be stiff. Move your hips a little or you'll look like a sixth-grader. If I thought you could handle it, I'd give you a little pill. We'll see. What kind of guy do you like?" "Cute, hot, casual. Sexy." "I can't guarantee there will be much 'casualness' at The Edge. Everybody there seems to love drama, but you never know. I just don't want you to get all depressed if Mr. Right isn't there tonight." "I don't believe in love. I tried to once, but I just got hurt. I'm just going out with my best friend for a few drinks." "You're not fooling me, Babe. I've tried to build a wall around my heart several times...and it crumbled over and over again." "I just want to have a good time." "OK. That's do-able. Let's go." There's no way I could describe this club that would give you the surreal impression I had when we walked in. I grabbed Theresa's hand out of panic. It was so loud and so confusing. She drug me over to a wall of mirrors and spoke into my ear. "Stay here. I'll get us a couple of drinks. Don't look so scared. Act bored if you can." I thought about the staff meetings we had at work each week -- where nothing important was ever discussed. I tried to act like I was listening to my manager talk about profits and losses or some shit. It helped me relax enough to scan the crowd. Everybody had gone through as much of a grooming ritual as I had...probably more. Perfect, pretty people. They all seemed to be having the time of their lives, throwing their heads back in laughter and kissing one another's cheeks. It seemed fake somehow. Nobody appeared to be alone. Just me....until Theresa came back with two tall drinks that were an alarming shade of blue. "I ordered vodka tonics, but I don't think he heard me right." "It's so goddamn loud in here. And I think this the same song that was playing when we walked in." "Nope. It's just not your taste. Don't hold your breath waiting for some grunge or college rock." "No kidding. Can we move somewhere quieter?" "Sorry. It only gets louder after this. They have like fifty speakers around here. I want to move us closer to the dance floor so you pick up some tips. We're going to dance eventually." It did get noisier as worked our way through the crowd. We leaned against a railing and watched the throng of dancers. I'd look like a fool out there. I saw a guy that looked so familiar. I knew him from somewhere...no...wait. He looked like somebody famous. I guess I was staring too much because he noticed. We made eye contact. I smiled too eagerly. "I see you like the cute ones," Theresa said in my ear. "You have good taste." "Doesn't he look like that one actor...the one from that movie?" "Could you be any more vague???" Maybe this electric blue drink was affecting me more than I thought. "He's a pretty good dancer. If he asks you out on the dance floor, just mirror him." "I'm not dancing tonight. One more of these drinks and I will be barely able to walk." The songs never ended...they all mixed together with no seams. How did you know when to stop? "I see some guys I know. Will you be OK here for awhile?" "Yeah. Where are the bathrooms? I need to go." "Directly behind you. I'll just be a few minutes." I carried my drink into the bathroom and put the glass on top of the urinal. I couldn't dare get piss on these pants or Theresa would kill me. I was walking out just as that guy was walking in. "Hi. Do you know who you look like?" I was so stupid. He got nervous and looked at himself in the mirror and patted down his hair with one hand. "Oh God. Who?" "Kevin Costner." He really did. A young Kevin Costner. "Oh. Wow. No way are you serious. Is it your birthday today?" "No. Why?" "You're drinking a Windex. That's what people who are celebrating or want to get really drunk have." "My friend got it for me. I think it was a mistake." "Theresa? I doubt it was a mistake." He had a beautiful smile and nice skin. "I know who she is, but we don't know each other." We left the men's room and emerged back into the crowd. I knew the song that was playing. It was that one about boys who like girls who like girls who like -- . Decent tune. He urged me out onto the dance floor. Oh God. I left my drink somewhere. I guess I'd had enough of it to not stress out about my dance abilities. It was natural and fun. At some point I saw Theresa watching us. Kevin Costner put his hands on each side of my hips and pulled me a little closer. His eyes were intense. Blazing. "Don't go falling in love," I told myself. After a the song changed, I motioned for us to please leave. I was going to introduce him to Theresa, but I didn't know his actual name and he didn't know mine. "I'm Matt, by the way." "I'm Lloyd." OK. Cool. I introduced him to my girl pal, and he was thrilled to meet her. Theresa's eyes were judging and making mental notes as she smiled pleasantly. She'd give me the scoop when we were alone. "Nice to meet you, Lloyd. Are you here with anybody?" "Just my roommate. I don't know where he went." "So he's just a roommate...not a live-in lover?" Goddamn her bluntness. "Hell no! Carl and I share rent and nothing else. He's kind of a bastard, but you can meet him if you want." I almost said there was no need, but Theresa quickly agreed. "So what's his name?" "Carl. He's a jerk, but usually good at staking out one of the few tables they have here." Sure enough, there he was at an empty table. Something about him was so striking. Tall, dark hair and pale in an almost unhealthy way. His long bony fingers were gripping a craft beer I'd never tried. Lloyd introduced us and we all settled in a circle. I offered to get us another round and Lloyd volunteered to help me. The place was getting crowded and the music was even louder which made idle chit-chat pretty difficult. We tried to shout our drink orders at the bartender and he mostly got it right. I made sure to be extra careful that I wouldn't spill something on somebody's perfect outfit. Theresa and Carl didn't seem to have much to talk about so I was glad to be back. I got the sense she didn't like Carl because she focused on Lloyd. "Do you work or are you a student?" "Both. I'm a waiter at Mazzio's and also a student at Kinney Art Institute. I work with glass mostly." "Like glass-blowing?" She was smirking on the inside. I liked drawing and cartooning, but I went to college in order to get some kind of career and some kind of life. A degree in glassblowing didn't seem like something a motivated young man would want. Maybe his family was rich. I asked Carl what he did for a living... "I work at the same place as Lloyd, but I'm the manager. I gave college about a month before I moved on. I've done some modeling, a few movies." "Really? Like what? Have I seen you in something?" "Oh, forget it," Lloyd chimed in. "He won't give any details, which makes me think it was porn." Both Carl and Theresa gave me a quick look, curious as to what my reaction would be. "Hey...whatever pays the bills. Does anybody have a cigarette?" Nobody did. I really felt the urge for one. "I'll go buy some. Is there a machine here." Carl stood up. "Yeah. I'll show you where it is. I need one too." I followed his thin frame through the crowd. "Do you come here a lot, Carl?" "No. Almost never. Lloyd comes here all the time --looking for his soul mate." "There's no such thing. If there was, he wouldn't be here." Carl flashed me a bright smile full of perfect teeth. "He's just a kid...like you. But he's still Linus waiting for The Great Pumpkin." We found the cigarette machine and I pumped in a few bills. I didn't have matches. Shit. "You don't have a light, do you?" "No. But they have matchbooks at the little bar near the door. C'mon." Once we got there, Carl reached into a mason jar and pulled out several of them. And found a pen. He lit the smokes for us as we settled down on the two empty stools left. "Let's do a shot before we go back...give your fag hag a chance to learn all she can about Lloyd." I watched his prominent adam's apple move up and down his throat as he puffed away. "So...seriously....did you do porno movies?" He didn't even blink. "Yeah. They were trashy and from a small studio never's ever heard of. It was in San Diego. I was okay-looking and have a big dick -- and did everything." "You're still very good-looking, Carl. Why did you stop?" "I caught AIDS. Most dudes in porn have it, but I never once tried to hide it. I mean, why lie?" Dear God. Part of me wanted to think I didn't hear him correctly over the loud music. But, no. "Does Lloyd know?" "Probably he's guessed. Nobody in my family or at the restaurant knows. I don't lie if someone asks, but I also don't tell many people. Just certain cool guys...like you." "I'm so not cool, Carl. I never dress like this normally. But thanks." "We should probably get back to the table or they'll think we were doing something. Here..." He handed me two matchbooks and the pen. "What do I need these for now?" "Write your phone number on the inside and give it to Lloyd. He'll ask for it later anyway. On the other one write your number and your email ... for me." I followed his instructions and gave him his while I put the one for Lloyd in my front pocket. "I guess we should go, Carl." We got back to the table and saw the suspicious faces of Theresa and Lloyd. Curiosity mixed with a bit of anger. Luckily, Carl made it all better. "We had to look forever to find matches. What did we miss?" Theresa relaxed and announced she was going to become a dyke. "Men don't want me, but I've gotten a few glances from lesbians. Sex is sex, right?" "Yeah...and that's really all there is." She leaned over to Lloyd. "He doesn't mean that...he's trying to convince himself that love isn't possible." "I hope it is," Lloyd said, looking right into my eyes. His knee touched mine while Carl's hand was on my other knee. I thought my head would explode. Theresa stood up and asked Carl to dance with her so Lloyd and I could be alone for a little while. They left and there I was with this adorable guy who believed in love. He smiled at me. "Do you work on weekends?" "Yeah. Carl goes in before they open, but I don't have yo be there until 11 AM. What do you do?" "Advertising and printing. That's how I know Theresa." "Oh yeah...she already told me that. I'm pretty buzzed right now. I don't think she likes me too much." "She's just sexually-frustrated -- like the rest of the world." "She for sure doesn't like Carl...told me that almost right away." "Why?" "Don't know. He can be damn unlikable at times. She sure adores you, though." I wondered what her thoughts about both of these guys were. I handed him the matchbook with my number right then because I knew I'd forget about it otherwise. He beamed. "Here they come. Be sure to call me sometime, Lloyd." Theresa was sweaty while Carl looked powder-dry. "Okay. I think I've burned off enough calories to justify a trip to White Castle on the way home." So I guess the evening was coming to a close. I was getting sleepy anyway. "Have a cigarette now, Matt. You can't smoke in my car." I took out one from the pack and gave one to Carl. He lit mine first and stared right into my eyes as he did it. I stared back. Aware that I was too obviously attracted to him, I turned around and gave Lloyd a wink. He smiled. "Both my mom and dad smoke, but I never have. It looks like fun -- wish I could join you." He was so sweet. Carl's hand was on my thigh, under the table. I could be sly too...I put my hand on his as Lloyd and Theresa sat there, oblivious. "We need to go too. Carl has to wake up early and I've had too much alcohol." He hadn't. really. "Theresa and I will meet you two out front in a minute so you two can say 'good bye'." Carl drilled his dark eyes into mine. I'd watch any crappy porn movie with him in it. We had a shared secret of desire, and that was better than any feelings of love. Lloyd was cute, but he didn't have his roommate's magnetism. We stood right outside the entrance and it felt painfully awkward. He was a good guy...I could see us going to dinner or to see a movie or a walk in the park. That, of course, would probably end up being a waste of time before the year was over. I wish he wasn't so shy because I am too. If he would just be a little more aggressive. "It was so nice to meet you, Matt. Did I say that already?" Did he? I don't remember because I'd been so into Carl the whole night. I suck as a person. "It was great meeting you too, Lloyd." We kissed for about three seconds. It didn't do much for me, didn't make my heart beat faster or anything. "Call me sometime." "Oh. I will. I'll call you tomorrow. Do you have plans for the weekend?" "No. Wanna come here again?" "Not at all. Let's just chill out at my place. Carl will be out all evening. I'll cook dinner and we can watch a movie." 'Sounds good," I said just as Theresa and Carl came through the door. She looked eager to leave. Carl nodded and said good bye. There was nothing hidden in his gesture. Theresa and I walked through the parking lot. "Well, I guess tonight was a big success for you, Matt. Two guys have their eye on you." "Lloyd does, maybe. We might get together tomorrow. He even wants to cook for me." She sighed. "He is very date-able. I can totally picture the two of you together, but..." "But what?" "I got to spend time alone with each of them. That Carl guy is trouble and there's just something unwholesome about him. Lloyd is cute and polite, but kind of a dud. He's mostly boring." "Yeah. He'd make a good husband for somebody. I just didn't feel anything for him except a little affection." We got inside her car and sat for a minute. "I did, however, find Carl very intriguing." "I was afraid of that...and I think Lloyd did too when you both left us for so long. And I can see why you'd be drawn to him. He's got that bad boy, Damien thing going on. Did you do anything with him?" "No! We looked around for matches and...talked a little." "Did he give you any coke? I'm sorry, but I got a drug vibe from him. I'm no baptist or anything...I just don't want you falling for this guy." "I already told you that I'm never going to 'fall' for anybody. The last time I thought I was in love, I got hurt." We got to my apartment building. "Hurt! Pffttt. Let's compare a list of hurts sometime. You're talking to someone who was called "Bratty Fatty" all through grade school...and even worse things after that." I shut up because I knew there were degrees of pain that everyone has gone through at some point in their lives. We barely said our good nights and she left. I wasn't really drunk, but I couldn't wait to crawl in bed. I slept later than I usually do on Saturday mornings. This was the time of week when I got cleaning and shopping done, but all I wanted to do now was drink coffee and think. I got dressed and had no sooner put my shoes on when the phone rang. It was only 10 AM. "Hello?" "Matt? Hi! It's Lloyd. I didn't wake you did I?" "Uh...no. Hi. What's up?" "Not much...I'm just getting ready for work. I'm off at 5, though. Short day. Want to come over tonight?" "Sure. Want to bring anything." "Nope. I got everything here. Except cigarettes...bring some if you want to smoke." He gave me the address and I wrote it down. I went to check my computer. I'd given Carl my email address, and secretly hoped he had sent me something. Anything. He had...early, early this morning. Hello Matthew Kenneth Harkner: hee hee. I did an internet search for you and didn't find anything scandalous. Shame. But I saw your company profile and almost didn't recognize you...you looked so all-American and innocent. Just kidding. I don't mind that at all. Just makes you more fun to corrupt. Lloyd talked endlessly about you and your big date tonight. Have fun. He's a good kid, but I wish you had met me first. I think you and I excite each other more. I think you think it too. I'm sending you some jpegs of me from my studio days as well as some that are more recent. Enjoy and reply after you've seen everything. I opened the file eagerly. pic #1: just a portrait shot with the name 'Houston Briggs" superimposed over his shoulders. It was copyrighted 'Raw Nerves, Inc.' pic #2: a full nude body shot of him sporting a giant boner (I'd guess it was over nine inches long) pic #3: a video still of some anonymous mouth wide open with Houston pissing in it pic #4: another video still of him fucking some blonde guy from behind pic #5: a close-up of his soft uncut dick with a visible '+' tattoo just above the trace of pubes pic #6: a shot of his hard dick with watery cum running down the shaft Damn! I had the urgent need to look at them all over again...and again. I needed to have a cigarette in the worst way. I went to the kitchen window and smoked while I thought of all the things I wanted to say in my reply. My heart was beating fast from the coffee and the nicotine and the lust. I wanted to jerk off right away. It didn't take long to come. I wouldn't remember until much later that this was the only time I'd ever masturbated in the kitchen. OK. I had to send a response and I was much calmer now. Thanks, man! You are incredibly hot! Do you have any tapes of your movies? I'd love to watch every single one. From beginning to end. Yes, I think there is something between us, but I'm an honorable man, and Lloyd and I have plans tonight as you know. It would hurt his feelings if I said "I'm into your roommate. Bye." I'd never do that. Visit my dreams sometime. Matt I needed to call Theresa. We'd left on bad terms last night. I sometimes got too involved with my little life, that I sometimes didn't pay attention to my words. Of course she had known about pain. It takes a special kind of bad luck to be a chubby kid and grow up on a hog farm. I didn't ever see her as fat because I adored her so much, but I bet it was hard for her to navigate romance. "Hello?" "Hi, Hon. Can I buy you some lunch?" "Sure. I got up early this morning to go join a gym, but I never made it out the front door. I don't own anything to wear to one of those places." "We'll go shopping after we eat. 'The Krab Kitchen'?" "Fancy! You must feel really guilty. I shouldn't have gotten mad last night and snapped at you. Pick me up around noon." So we ate and killed a few hours at the mall with no talk of love or hidden hurts or men. It was a nice afternoon, but I was sorry when it ended because that meant I had to fill the remaining time before my date with Lloyd. I wish I was excited, walking on clouds. But I was so very earthbound. Carl wouldn't be there. I'd be barely able to breathe if I was scheduled to meet up with or even just see him. He hadn't emailed me back. Damn. I took a shower and groomed. I didn't fuss much with what to wear. I just put on what I'd wear if a relative came to visit. It was past 5 now and he was probably showering and primping too. I had almost two hours to kill so I just sat on the floor and played Nintendo. New video games had gotten way too complicated for me and so I played old stuff like "Tetris" pr "Super Mario Brothers". I'd bought a smallish bottle of rum while out with Theresa. Time for a sip or two. I left the house a bit before 7. The place wasn't that far. I almost wish it was fifty miles or more away. I didn't want to be so near all this mess. It was a small house with a tidy lawn and some ornamental trees. OK. Let's get this over with. At least I'd remembered to bring cigarettes. Lloyd met me on the front porch with a wide smile. "You are right on time! Dinner is still cooking. Want some wine?" I tried my best to look happy and relaxed. "Yeah. Sure. Whatever you're making smells really good." He brought me a glass of wine and an ashtray.Thank God. I needed a smoke in the worst way. The wine was pretty tasty. I sat on the sofa and took in the decor. It had to be all Lloyd's taste because it was basic and grandma-ish. If Carl had lived here alone, the walls would be red or black and there'd be weird shit on the walls. If I was really into this guy, I would have waited to smoke -- possibly all night. As it was, though.... "Did you have any trouble finding the house?" "Not at all. Where's Carl tonight?" "Working. He won't be home until way late. What did you think of him?" Oh, man. I had to choose my words carefully. He refilled my glass because I'd been sipping too rapidly. "He was nice. My friend Theresa didn't like him much." "But you did, right? You thought he was hot?" Oh God. "Well...he's attractive. So are you." "Relax, Matt. This happens every time he and I go out together. Every guy I meet and talk to ends up lusting after Carl. It's the pheromones he gives off or something. I should just go by myself from now on, but we've been friends since we were kids." "I came over tonight to see YOU, Lloyd. I thought we hit it off last night and I wanted to see you again." The oven dinged. "The lasagna is done. I have to let it sit for a few minutes now. Want some more wine? What kind of movies do you like?" He got up and walked to the kitchen where I couldn't see him, but we could still hear each other. "I like horror movies mostly." "Oh. Not me. I just can't handle scary stuff." This would never work. "I don't even own a single horror movie. Look over at the shelf next to the TV and see if there's something there you'd like to see." He messed around in the kitchen as I looked through his collection. He seemed to have almost everything Tom Cruise had ever been in. I wasn't a fan of that midget. I settled on 'Mommie Dearest' because, even though it was bad, it was a lot of fun to watch. Lloyd brought out plates of steaming hot lasagna and some bread sticks and set it on the coffee table in front of us. He went back to get silverware, napkins and more wine. "Oh, good choice! We love that movie." "You know...I've never seen an actual movie Joan Crawford was in. I keep meaning to," "I have. She's epic." The food was good, but I was still a little full from all the snow crab legs I had for lunch. I ate enough to be polite, but finally had to stop. "It was so good, but I guess I ate too much at lunch. I'm full." "No worries. I'll send some home with you to eat tomorrow. Carl doesn't eat much either, which is why he's so skinny." At least I still had room for more wine. "Want some help cleaning up?" "No. I'll just throw everything in the dishwasher and deal with it later." After he left the couch, I lit up a cigarette. I'd seen this movie too many times. We were at the part where Chrsitina Crawford wouldn't eat the rare steak she was served. "What the HELL??," Lloyd said loudly. "Carl just came home. He wasn't supposed to come back until after midnight...at the earliest. Fuck!" I was excited and scared. I would see the living person behind the porn pics I'd just looked at this morning. And then there he was, grimacing and limping. "Hi. Matt. Sorry to interrupt your evening. I'll just go straight to my bedroom and close the door." Lloyd looked very pissed-off. "What happened? I thought you worked until closing." "Brenda spilled some grease in the kitchen and I slipped in it. I might have broken my ankle." My little brother had broken his ankle as a kid when he fell out of our tree house. They had to do surgery even. "Lloyd and I will take you to the E.R." "Hell NO. I'm not spending Saturday night in a waiting room with a bunch of dying people. I'll see how it is in the morning. Enjoy your evening, fellows." "No. Sit down and take your shoe off." "Oh God no!," Lloyd said with a laugh,"nobody wants to smell or see those hobo feet." "Shut up, bitch. He's trying to help." He looked down at me as I knelt on the floor in front of him. He put one foot up on the ottoman and asked me to unlace his dress shoes for him. I carefully removed his left shoe and sock. There wasn't a bad smell at all, but his foot was big, sort of ugly and his nails probably should have trimmed a few weeks ago, but his ankle looked normal and not all injured. No swelling or bruising that I could see. "It doesn't see broken, Carl. Can you move it sideways of up and down?" "No. I don't want to try because it'll hurt too much." I touched parts of the ankle and asked if he felt pain. "I think you might just have a sprain...or a tiny fracture at worst." The room got quiet. "Well, thanks, Dr. Matt." I felt stupid just being on the floor so I got up and went back to where I was sitting. Lloyd refilled our glasses and asked Carl if he wanted some. "Just bring me the bottle. I've got another bottle down in the crisper drawer." The energy in the room felt weird, but we all sipped and watched the end of the movie. Then it get even more strange and quiet. Carl looked over at Lloyd. "He has a good heart. I think Matt's too nice a guy for us." Us? "I told you. He thinks you're hot, though." It felt like there was a secret that I wasn't being let in on. "Yeah...but I am not feeling good about this now. Tell him." "Matt?" "What's going on?" I felt my face get hot with embarrassment. I was somehow feeling like a fool. "We lied to you about some things...and left out information. Carl and I have been a couple for several years -- and we're both HIV+. But we're into lots of kinky stuff and love to play with strangers. Since I'm more approachable than he is and he's more attractive, I find young guys to bring home for him...and me. The clueless ones are the easiest." No way was this really happening to me. "So I looked like an idiot to you?" I was angry and scared at the same time. 'I'm a fool, now??!" "Not at all, Matt. A little naive, maybe, but you're definitely not a fool. If we thought that about you, Carl would still have a broken ankle and I'd be trying to get you in my bed...and then you'd sneak into his room." "I can't believe this shit! You two ought to be in prison!" "Probably," said Carl. "But I saw how caring you were now and how concerned. Nobody has ever been that way with me....not even that jack-off sitting next to you." Lloyd was in crisis mode. "We can all be friends and just party for a while. Or you can go home and we'll never bug you again." "I'm a little too buzzed to drive." I was taking stock of the situation. What was I going to do next? I'd let them guess and be in the dark for a minute. "You can crash on the couch. It's a great sleeping couch...and we won't come near you. We both work early tomorrow anyway. I had the power now. I could take over the narrative at this point. I hated admitting to myself that I was wildly turned on, but wanted to hide it a little longer. "Put another movie in and let's finish the wine." I lit up a cigarette and let them wonder what I was planning. I guess the fact that I didn't leave in a huff was already pretty telling. Lloyd shrugged and started scouting for something to watch. "Carl? Do you have any horror movies in your bedroom? Matt likes those." Carl scooted away and returned a few minutes later with a tape. "I found something he might like more," he said with a grin. Of course it was one of his old porn videos. "Wow, he's really pushing his luck," I thought. "Oh Lord, Carl. Not that one. It's so cheap-looking and plus the sound sucks. Get the one where you're the limo driver." "No. This is the important one. Remember?" "Oh yeah. I forgot." The opening music was a terrible electronic version of every porn theme you've ever heard. At the time, though, I'd never seen a gay porn video until right at that moment. I tried so desperately to keep cool, but waves of embarrassment washed over me. It was called something really lame like 'Firm On the Farm'. And there was Houston Briggs (Carl) wearing a cowboy hat and jeans with no shirt. He was carrying a bale of hay and he was supposed to look sweaty, but it was obviously body oil of some sort. Younger Carl was bulkier and more tan than the current version. As much as I tried to seem casual, I'm sure my eyes were open very wide. So in comes another actor who I guess was supposed to be the boss farmer. "Lex Colton. He looks so butch in this, but he was a major queen." I looked over at at Carl who had taken his other shoe and sock off and untucked his shirt. "Not a nice guy either. He would have made a great top, but he always refused. Bottoms make more money than tops." I would have guessed it to be the other way around. There was dialog, but you couldn't really make out what they were saying because the audio was so crappy. And then Houston was naked and stroking his huge boner. Lex sucked it and seemed to really enjoy it. It was sloppy in a hot sort of way. At the end of the scene, the boss got huge wads of cum sprayed on his face. Wow. "That's a fake shot. I really did cum on him, but it didn't 'read' on film. So they had him kneel there again while somebody off camera shot a squirt gun full of egg whites at his face. I wasn't even there that day." Carl made a few more comments about the scene, but I remember being profoundly disappointed that the huge blob of sperm wasn't real. Carl came over and sat on the other side of me and took control of the remote. "We need to fast-forward a little. All the dudes in it were so bad and most of them have probably O.D'd by now. OK. Watch this next scene carefully...it's one of the few times I ever bottomed. What can I say? -- rent was due." I paid careful attention. There had to be a reason he'd said it was 'important'. A really large darker-skinned man approached Houston outside of a barn. He was shirtless as well. "That's Aldo. He told me was Puerto Rican. We ended up dating a little after the movie was over." On screen,they traded blow jobs and then Aldo fucked him from behind. No condom, but lots of lubricant from somewhere. It was hot, but got monotonous after a few minutes. "This scene was short over the course of two hours because he kept losing his woody. But wait a few seconds. It was a close-up shot of Aldo's bare ass pumping vigorously into Houston. He was a vocal top and never stopped 'shit' and 'fuck'. "Right there! See how he pauses and squeezes his ass together? And then just keeps going? He'd already shot his load inside of me, but then a few minutes later, he claims he can't cum and is losing his boner. The director told him to take a break." Wow. I was having a hard time wrapping my brain around all of this. "Not many poz guys get the moment they were bugged on tape."
  4. If you were paying attention to the news some ten years ago, you know the town and the school I went to. It was that school in the Northeast where 14 teen girls all got pregnant at around the first time. It was a huge story locally, but it got national attention when it was rumored that they'd all made a pact to get knocked-up over the Summer. There was outrage from all sides. It was never proven that there was an actual conspiracy among the girls, but most everybody in the country thought so. They needed to believe the worst. I was a senior that year and can tell you some things that weren't reported. None of these preggos were even remotely cute. They were all skanks. The girls were all kinda dumpy and not real bright. They smoked cigarettes between classes and had started partying in junior high. The pretty girls all hoarded their virtues as they eyed a fabulous future and a rich, handsome husband. I'm not making any of this up. I was at ground zero. I was kind of nobody back then. I was the assistant editor of our school newspaper. I still remember the morning when the superintendent gathered us in his office and said to try and print one word about this scandal. He was the verge of an ulcer as it was and didn't want us to be another problem. He and the principal were ducking CNN reporters every day. My calculus teacher said that there was a camera man on his front porch one night. Another girl talked to "60 Minutes" on camera and was suspended. It was chaos. My closest friend back then was the senior editor, and he was working himself up into a frenzy. I liked Robbie, nut he was an asshole. We shared a love of current events and writing. He had groomed himself to be the next Rush Limbaugh. I was extremely liberal and our debates were intense. At least we both agreed that birth control should be free and separation of church and state was important. We both smoked. When he wanted to sneak a cig, he'd just say "let's go sell ad space". That was our secret code. We'd get in his car, drive around and smoke before eating a bunch of breath mints before going back to class. He never had girlfriends -- mainly because he was obnoxious and pretty fat. He was okay with it because he was so dedicated to building his brand. I wandered if he suspected I was gay since I was a big advocate for homosexual rights. He was on the fence about my views. "Did you hear what that one sophomore said during our staff meeting? That girl with the glasses?" "Her name is Trisha. She is super smart." She really was...had even skipped a grade. "She's a communist, vegetarian bitch. She tried to ignite the whole 'freedom of speech' shit again. It's my job as editor to nip that in the bud. I don't need to piss off the bosses when I have a chance to go to West Point." Seriously? He would never pass the physical. "You gonna be the editor of West Point's newspaper?" He huffed. "There's not going to be any print news in a few years. It's all digital media now. I should have told that bitch to just get an anonymous blog if she wanted her freedom of press. I am so careful on the computer and you should be too...everybody is watching us." I only emailed my grandma and watched silly videos on youtube. I had plenty of opinions but no desire to shout them at strangers. How Robbie didn't -- I had no idea. I was one of the few people who even listened when he talked. "I think I might major in literature." I just wanted to get him pissed off. "Joseph!" (everybody called me Joey, but Robbie never did) "Do you want to end up as a teacher in a shit hole like this? Get an engineering degree. You're good at math." He pulled into the parking lot a van that said 'NBC' on the side. It was empty. The newest rumor was that it was one dude had impregnated all the girls. And also that he was black. And HIV+. Homeless. None of this was probably true. The females in my class were Facebook addicts. Three of them were suspended for discussing 'this issue'. The sperm-giver supposedly lived in the park near my house. I was interested now. The source of the story was practically in my backyard...maybe. Or not. "Hey, Robbie -- I think I'm gonna skip the afternoon and go home. Take notes in Civics for me." What was I thinking? The semester had only barely begun and the rest of my classes for the day were mostly easy. I needed to get away, needed to think. I saw many news vans on my street. The 'culprit in the park' story had apparently leaked already. I was curious to see if any famous reporters were wandering around the park. I'd barely gone through the entrance when some guy in a ABC windbreaker came up to me. "Hi. I'm Phil Bridgeman from 'Good Morning America'. Are you a student at G.H.S.?" I didn't recognize him. "Yeah, but I can't make any comments." "I can make you an 'anonymous source'. Please???" "Well...maybe. Don't describe me in any way. I will be filling out college applications in a few months and don't want to piss off the administration here." "Can I record our conversation? I'm a terrible note-taker. It's just for me and not meant for air." I agreed, but never told him my name -- lust in case. "So I guess you're here because of the latest rumor." "Yeah. Let's go sit over here and talk." We settled at a picnic table and he brought out his little pocket tape recorder. It looked very Wal-Mart and not professional at all. He was maybe in this mid 30's and not bad looking...maybe Italian. He had that Fonzie nose and a bit of facial stubble. "You're not on camera ever?" "No. Not yet. I hope I am sometime quick before I lose more hair." "Oh. Isn't that William guy bald?" I watched Good Morning America when there wasn't school. "Yeah, but he's got a 'morning personality'. I don't look like a guy people want to see first thing in the morning. Anyway...what's it like being in your school right now?" "It's a distraction, but people are getting tired of it." "Do you know any of the pregnant girls personally?" "I know them as classmates, but not as friends." "Oh. That's too bad -- we're all trying to figure out why they would do this." "I've been wondering that too. My buddy thinks it's because they all want little dolls to play with, but I'm not so sure. There has to be more to it...don't you think?" "Conservative media thinks it's because they don't have fathers at home and because liberal schools are teaching sex ed." "Ugh. Sounds like my dad. He blames MTV as well." "Do they teach sex ed at G.H.S.?" "No. There's health class and biology, but nothing specifically about sex. Most everybody lost their virginity by freshman year anyway." "Have you?" "I'm not telling you anything personal, Todd." "Sorry. I am always full of questions....occupational hazard." He switched off his recorder and put it in his pocket. "It's okay. I guess I'm not going to be much help." "No. I think this whole 'blame game' angle is the one I'll go with." "I think it's ignorance too....an unawareness of consequences. I'm starting to think it's a rebellion issue as well. We're all trying to prove how mature we are. I only started smoking because I knew my parents would not approve. I spent a lot of years trying to spite them. Maybe if I had the anatomy, I'd have gotten knocked up too." I felt I could speak freer now that it wasn't on tape. Todd looked at me for a long moment. "That's good. You're onto something." "But there's the erotic element too. They want a fuck that actually counts for something...fulfills a fantasy. It's what they think 'love' is." "Wow. You're a good analyst. The girls are submitting to a dick full of dna that will turn them into someone else." "Exactly. It's hot if you think about it." He looked at me, puzzled. "Uh...yeah. We're all just mammals with a need to mate. Is that what you mean?" "Yeah. I don't think that's a groundbreaking story, though. I think you guys are wasting your time here." "But there's an angle somewhere. What about the homeless black guy who was the breeder?" "I doubt it. I've lived here my whole life and never saw a homeless person." "Let alone a black person. This area is solid white. Would you ever go out with a minority?" "I don't know. Probably. This off the record: I've never even gone out with a girl." "A guy?" "No! Why did you even ask that?!" "Sorry. I have an instinct for things. It's not offensive...I'm gay." He waited until I'd absorbed that piece of information. "My lover is black and travels with me sometimes. He's too afraid to leave the hotel because there's a racist vibe here -- no offense." "You're right. He's right. We're not as bad as Boston, but it's not easy for anyone different around here." "Oh look -- there's that guy from 'A Current Affair'. Total jerk." I lit up a cigarette. "Your school day is almost over. I should go to the parking lot and try to get some more quotes." "Go stake out the area behind the industrial arts building...that's where the stoners gather. They'll have an opinion and don't care about getting suspended." "That's a great tip! Look -- I don't know how many more days I'll be here, but let me give you my room number. I want to talk again." Yes. OK. "Um...Todd...This is off the record, but I'm gay too." "I kinda knew that. Any dude going to that school full of sluts and has never been laid? I won't say a word." He wrote down his room's phone number and bummed a smoke. We walked out and went separate ways. I felt weird. I'd never 'come out' to anyone before, but I just confessed it all to a national reporter. I was probably insane. I went to my room and listened to a CD by some woman named 'Katy Perry'. Robbie was in love with her and had magazine photos of her taped up in his locker. He practically demanded that I buy this music. I ended up really liking it. It's hard to believe that was a decade ago. Dad came home and was in a terrible mood. "I'm going to buy a gun, I swear. This town has gone bonkers. That Geraldo Rivera guy just wandered into the firm today and started asking questions. Smug bastard...he's older than he looks on TV too." Mom brought him a drink and retreated back to the kitchen. My dad had a bad temper and none of us wanted to witness the fury. "What the hell is going on at that school of yours? Ed told me they're going to start giving out birth control to anybody that asks...with no parental consent." "I didn't hear that. There's a lot of false information right now. We're all just waiting for it to blow over." "Good goddamn luck. Be sure to thank your hero Clinton for this. Those little whores are going to be sucking at the taxpayer's teat for years." I'd once made the mistake of telling I was a Democrat and he was beside himself. I probably took five years off of his life that day. "I'll bet nobody is learning anything at that school right now." "It's just a distraction, but I just took a test in Physics and got an A." Lie. I actually got a C+, but wanted him to calm down a little. White lies are exactly that. They benefit all involved. "Well, good. I hope you get into M.I.T. and invent a ray gun that sterilizes kids by just aiming it at their crotches. Bring one to me." He was in rare form tonight. Still mad, but also exhausted. "To hell with it...tell your mother I'm not hungry and need to sleep." He loosened his tie and went upstairs. The energy in the room changed dramatically. Mom stepped back into the room. Our moods always brightened when he retreated to somewhere private to be alone with a bottle and his paperback thrillers. "I'll make BLTs for us. Want to come keep me company?" "Sure." "Your father is leaving town tomorrow and will gone for three days. I can make that spicy fried chicken we had on your birthday. Or we can go out to eat. We can go to the mall or a movie. Let's have a fun day. Just us. You will be leaving for college before we know it." "Sounds great. Can we do it tomorrow?" "Tomorrow's a Friday -- you have school." "Can you excuse me from classes...just this once?" I knew she would. My attendance had never been a problem. Ever. "OK. I'll tell them you're running a fever. Just fake it good enough at breakfast so that your father doesn't get mad. After he's gone, we don't have to worry until next week." She seemed to be happy to conspire with me. "Is this all because of the scandal?" "Yeah. It's a pain in the butt just listening to all the whispering. We can't even report it in the paper. Robbie wants me to draw an editorial cartoon that hints at it but is too subtle to get us in trouble. Tall order." "The things you kids have to deal with these days..." "It'll pass. Mom, were you happy when you got pregnant?" She paused while slicing a tomato. "Yes! Oh my, yes! I was a little scared too. We were both thrilled, and your dad was overjoyed when we found it I was carrying a boy." "Was it..." I couldn't ask my own mother she agreed with any of the theories Todd and I had pondered in the park. "I mean... WHY did it make you happy?" "I wanted to be a mother. We tried to have you for almost a year. I wanted a Spring birth, but embryo Joseph had his own schedule." I let the subject drop. We ate and talked about pleasant, mundane things. As I helped her clean up, she mentioned how tired she was. "Why don't you go to bed early?" "Oh I will...in the guest room. I don't want to deal with him until morning." She fried her hands and we left the kitchen. "Don't forget to act sick in the morning." "OK. Good night." It was only a little after 8 PM and I was all alone in the large house. It's funny how life-changing moments can start so small and so quiet. I wanted to call Todd and talk to him, hear his voice. I had no idea why...or did I? I waited until after 9:30 to sneak back downstairs and use the living room phone. I had a cell phone, but didn't want the number to appear on the bill my parents paid. Family Plan. "Hello?" "Todd?" "Yeah. Is this my anonymous source?" "Yep. Did I wake you?" "What? No. We just got back from dinner and were going to hit the bar for awhile. Want to join us?" "Yeah. I have to sneak out. You're at The Crescent?" "Uh huh. Room 301. See you in a few." Oh shit. Did I just set something in motion I'd regret? Probably. Too late now. I changed clothes and combed my hair. Aftershave? No. Not now. Not tonight. I wore a M.I.I. sweatshirt so I wouldn't need a jacket. I went quietly out the front door and had a smoke on the porch. My car was at the curb and it looked so innocent, with no idea where I was going. The Crescent was a nice place and there were so many news vans in the parking lot. The scandal had been good for our local economy. I think I saw a few famous reporters in the lobby, but they had all started looking the same lately. TV people all share a quality I couldn't identify. His room was right outside the elevator. I knocked and a well-built black man answered the door. "Are you Deep Throat?" "Uh..." "Just kidding. Come on in. Todd's getting all fixed up, and I can see why. You made an impression on him." He had a friendly smile. There was a fat gold ring in his right ear. This guy probably worked out constantly. "Hi. I'm...I'm Joe." "Yeah. I'll just call you Deep Throat. Help yourself to the mini-bar and I'll go check on Todd." I opened the fridge and picked out a tiny bottle of vodka. It probably cost nine bucks, but ABC was picking up the tab. Serves 'em right for ever airing "Full House". I could hear their voices from behind the bathroom door. I had a really good sense of hearing that might be genetic because everybody in our house kept the volume down on the TV, and radio. I seldom listened to anything with headphones because I was afraid to miss things happening around me. I heard snippets of conversation from the two men. They both had deep voices that were purposely trying to mute a little. The vodka was gone and I grabbed another. I figured ABC had to pay for "Family Matters" as well. Then they both entered the room. Here he is, Jim...looking all pretty for you!" Jim? It was probably good he didn't remember my real name. Todd looked different than he did in the park, younger. I stood up and said "hi". We didn't shake hands. "I guess you finished your homework already. Glad you could come over." Sit and we'll have a drink and talk. This is my lover, Jack. He's rude." "Hi again Todd. He wasn't rude at all." "You see? I told you I was nice to the little guy." I finished the second tiny bottle of vodka. It burned a little...I could see why people mixed it with juice and stuff." "Well, have another snoot and we'll go down to the bar. There's a bartender there that Jack is in love with." It was nice to see a couple kid with each other. My parents were always very cordial with one another...they were constantly trying to avoid confrontation and debate. Todd fetched me the last of the vodka. I thanked him and tried to make some meaningful eye contact. I maybe could have if I knew how to do such things. Jack on I sat in chairs while Todd sat on the edge of the bed and considered the laces on his boots. Jack seemed very interested in me. "You're 18, right? We could get in trouble for giving you liquor. I am so done with police. So done with judges and jail and shit." "I turned 18 three weeks ago. And I don't have school tomorrow...you news people have shut us down." "Jack's a chef...not a leech like me. But I bet you don't mind a three day weekend. I've got more of the story to share with you. Your tip about talking to that stoner crowd paid off big...I even got a quote from one of the fathers." "Cool. Happy to help. Was it that guy with the neck tattoo?" "I'll fill you in on everything later. It's time to move downstairs." He and Jack fussed with each other about who had a key card for the door. I wanted a cigarette. The bar was sparsely populated at that moment. Todd mentioned that the story had peaked already and about a third of the reporters had left. Finally. I was in a good mood despite the urgent need for nicotine. Jack made us sit in the area where he could scan the bar for an appearance by his crush. A chubby waitress with a Baltimore accent took our drink orders and didn't even ask for my I.D. Todd looked like a million dollars and I was suddenly feeling like a 13 yr. old girl. He'd be one of the teachers all the female students would flirt with. Jack wasn't so bad to look at either, but I didn't completely trust him. "You switched to beer, Deep Throat?" "Yeah. Why do you call me that?" "Wishful thinking on his part." Todd was giving him a displeased look. "Nah, man. It's from Watergate. You probably don't know about all that." I sort of did, but just the basics. "He's smart...top of the class.One of the pot heads told me might be valedictorian." "Doubt it. My friend Robbie is probably going to beat me out. What else did those tell you?" "So much. I'm gonna get a promotion after this. Go get us some shots, Jack. Maybe your bartender will be there." Jack got up and left. I lit a cigarette even though I wasn't entirely sure we were in the smoking section. "Spill it, Todd. I want to know what you found out." He helped himself to a cig from my pack. "What do you want to know, Joey? I described you and they all knew your name. I won't use it. One of the future dads is Ronnie and he told me that he and one of the pregnant ladies was who he dated off and on. One of his quotes was 'she can't hit me up for child support because I don't got nothing.' He said he liked a warm place to put his cock in." "Yeah. I remember him. I tutored him in basic algebra, but I might as well have tried to teach a squirrel to speak French." "They also told me you interviewed them about drug abuse last year." "Yep, but I was cool about it. My angle was that it wasn't really an 'abuse'. Some kids drink early in life and some prefer pot. It was just a vice, a coping mechanism for people dealing with high school hell." "That's good. You're like me...searching for an approach that's not obvious. But I haven't told you the really big news. Are you ready? There actually IS a a homeless guy in the park, and he really has fucked some of the girls. He's not black, though. Just a dark Mexican guy. AND he has AIDS! Can you believe that?!" "Wow." "Does AIDS scare you?" "Maybe. I don't think about it much." "Jack and I are both HIV+. We both agreed to wait until one of us started showing symptoms before going on meds. What are you thinking?" "Uh...I don't know. Why did you tell me all that?" "I thought I'd tell you everything in case we all had some fun tonight. Interested?" Yes. "Sure. Where's Jack with our shots?" Just I finished asking that question, a new waitress came up with a tray of shot classes and a fresh beer. "Your negro buddy sent this over. He's a talker, that one." I had no idea what the shots were. I just downed one and let the fire spread over me. It had taken me a while, but I was finally a rebellious teen. I thought of my dad in some different city, knowing nothing. "Here..have mine too. I want to write tonight. I have an exclusive interview with Miguel -- the homeless sperm donor." "Where are you meeting him?" "Here. I got him a room on the third floor. My video guy is on his way....might even join us tonight. He's gay too, but I don't know if he's poz or not." The story was turning inside out now. Mom was sleeping right now and Dad was probably drinking...with no clue what I was in the middle of. Jack finally returned to our table. "He's not working tonight, I guess. His name is Lloyd and engaged to get married. Idiot. It's still pretty early...why aren't we rowdy yet?" "God, you're such a frat boy. I was just telling him about my successful day." "Let's celebrate! We agreed to show you a good time tonight...NYC style." "I'm pretty buzzed, man.' "Buzzed isn't going to cut it, Deep Throat." Todd's cell rang. "It's the network. Hold on." He walked a few feet away and answered the call. I sat there with Jack. "You ever been fucked by a man?" "What? No! Never!" "Then how do you know you're gay? Gay guys fuck." He was definitely an asshole. "I just turned 18, okay. It's not like this place is full of gay bars and bath houses." "Yeah yeah. I lost my cherry when I was fifteen and I wasn't nearly as cute as you." "Did it hurt?" "Definitely. I almost destroyed the first ass I plowed...and I'm not all that endowed. Not like Todd. Dude's got a giant cock. The camera guy, Nate, is new to me. He might be hung for all I know." Todd finally returned. "They are so psyched that I have the homeless guy for an exclusive. They are going to love me. Oh look! There's Nate." He saw us and walked to the table. Tall and bearded with a lip piercing. Hot. I imagined each one of them naked. Reflex. "Damn, Todd. This is a nice hotel. You must be moving up. What's everybody drinking? I'll get a round." He didn't wait for an answer -- just headed for the bar. I wasn't so sure I could drink any more booze." I watched him walk. Nice butt. "The call was from Mr. Matthews. He wants me to get the culprit's face on camera. We might have to him stoned first." "How?" I'd never smoked weed in my life. I thought it would kill my drive. Robbie offered me some once, but I declined. "We didn't fly here. We drove. It's inside one of my bags. You can't be too careful in airports." Nate returned with four cocktails and passed them around. "Is this kid even old enough to be here?" "Yeah. He's legal, Nate. Sit down." Jack said something about wishing there was music playing. "We're not at a club, you big queen. Be cool." "Why? You two are gonna talk shop and just leave me and Deep Throat just sitting here. Not that I mind." "'Deep Throat'? Wow...I'm late to the party." "He's a student at Conception High School. He's been a big help. You know better than to listen to anything Jack says. I haven't see Miguel since he checked in. He's probably just happy to have a shower and a bed. Let's get there before 10:30. I'm gonna offer him a little smoke-able truth serum. See how that goes." Jack and I continued to drink as Todd studied his phone and Nate went back to his room to get the camera. They went off to a separate table to plan the shoot and conspire. As much as I liked him, this guy had a story to get and a career to boost. "I'm used to this. What do you of Nate? He's not a bad guy." "I like the beard." Bearded men are almost always attractive to me. There must have been a movie or TV show as a kid that planted that particular fetish in my brain. Way back when there was just a trace of testosterone seeping into my system. "Todd had a mustache when we first met. I can take facial hair or leave it. We bonded over weed and kink." "Kink?" You'll find out later. We got left on prom night. Are you pissed off?" No. Maybe a little. I don't know." "Let's leave them to their work shit. We can raid the mini-bar and watch HBO or something." I finished my drink and stood up. I maybe shouldn't have come here. I bumped my shoulder on the door frame on our way out. "Ow!" "Dang, boy...You a lightweight. Need help?" "No no. I'm fine. That was embarrassing, though." as the elevator went up, Jack touched by butt. We passed the third floor where the breaking story was going down. "I been wearing these clothes all day...mind if I change?" I shook my head as we entered the room. "The remote is on top of that desk. Find something smutty on cable." He went to the bathroom and closed the door. OK. I found an imported beer in the fridge and cracked it open. He was running the shower in there. Or maybe it was the sink. I found "American Gigolo" which I think I saw once. You can see Richard Gere's limp dick in this. HBO was showing something about a handicapped kid. Jack walked out of the bathroom, wearing just a white robe. "Sorry to keep you waiting. I needed to freshen up my stuff a little." "It's OK. There's not a plethora of smut on TV tonight." "Richard Gere. I saw him in person once...wearing a fur coat and looking like a wealthy queen. Doesn't do much for me." "I like this movie only because they play a Blondie Song. Good group." "I met Debby Harry at an AIDS charity thing. Bitch is in her late 50's now. But way cool. And short." New York must be a magical place. "I...I can try to find another movie." "Never mind. Go get me something from the mini-bar. You decide what." He had loosened his robe a little. I chose a little bottle of gin. He seemed like a guy who liked gin. "Good man. Drink your beer and let me ask you some stuff." I had a surprise boner that was testing the fly of my jeans. "This one's almost empty. I'll get another." I did and kicked off my shoes, and joined him on the bed. His dick was so close to being exposed. So close. "Settle back. What's going through your mind right now?" "Not much. What did you want to ask me?" "You a virgin, right? Todd assumed you were." Shit. I thought he'd start with questions about my hobbies or something. "Yes. I am. I probably will be for a few more years." "I doubt that. You ever think about black men...you ever been kissed by one? Think you'd like that?" "Well...I probably would like that, Jack. " I could have waited for him to make the move, but I just leaned over and put a big kiss on his fat, fleshy lips. It was electric for me. We stayed in a sloppy lip lock for over a minute. Our faces were covered with warm saliva. I almost had an orgasm right then. "OK then! Nice. Take your clothes off, baby." Let me look at you." I did just that as he slipped the robe off. I was down to my socks as I saw his healthy hard-on stick straight into the air. I took one last glug from the beer and jumped back in the bed next to him. His arms were huge and muscular. I kissed his biceps and shoulders. "You are beautiful, Jack." "I know. I work on this body so I can keep my Sugar Daddy. Todd's OK, but we are not meant to be. Want me to show you some things?" "YES!" "Good answer. Suck on this cock for a while." It was so perfect...I swear it could be in an art museum. I licked it up and down and tasted soap. The head was the color of a bruise and a tiny teardrop of clear fluid was leaking from the piss hole. I took the whole thing in my mouth and tried to move down the shaft. 'Try' being the key word. Turns out my gag reflex was untested and fighting my desires. "Slow down. I guess your throat ain't all that deep after all. Take your time." I felt so greedy. I wanted his fat, brown shaft to fill my throat. I needed air so I pulled away and gasped for oxygen. "I'm new at this. But thanks for letting me do that, Jack." "OK. My turn to do something for you. Lie back. I lied there completely naked as his dark, muscular body covered mine. It was like a hot, porn fever dream. He moved down and spread my legs. He was tonguing my ass while jacking my dick. Wow. I was excited, scared and lost in pleasure. I'd never felt anything like that...hadn't even imagined it. Was this really happening?? He used his strength to just flip me on my stomach. He continued rimming me until I thought I couldn't it any longer. "You like that, Jim?" "God yes! Can I do that to you too?" "Later. I got to fuck that little bubble butt now. Let's try it with no condom on at first. You agree to that?" Did I? Yes. "This is going to hurt, isn't it?" He didn't answer because he was too busy rooting through his duffel bag. Maybe he was going to put on a rubber after all. Nope. He was greasing his fat dick with some lube I never caught a glimpse of. He worked a few oily fingers into my hole. "You're tight as hell, but pretty relaxed from my tongue.This probably won't hurt too much. Just relax and be patient...it'll feel so good eventually. " He lowered his body down and prodded my ass with that cock of his. Exciting! I tried to open my whole body to the experience. He jabbed my hole and I thought I'd die. Damn! "Ow! No, Jack. Let's stop for a second." My forehead was covered with sweat. "Relax. Open up for me as best you can." He had no intention of pulling out, and kept moving in. And then SLAM! Jack was all the way inside me. His hairy pubes were soft on my butt cheeks. "Shh. You're about to feel really good." He was right. My body had recovered from the stab of pain...and gave over to the delights of being fucked. He went at even pace and his hot breath warmed the back of my neck. He was an expert at this...he knew all the buttons to push and all the switches to flip. I shuddered as if I was cold. I came all over the bed. His dick must have enjoyed my shuddering and clenching because he was moaning and pumping even faster. I understood why couples videotaped themselves having sex...I so badly wanted to see his super muscular butt bucking up and down on top of me. I had just come, but my dick was getting hard again. As my mind was traveling the stars above, he said "Shit! It's all yours now, baby." His seed was a part of my future. This was the feeling so many people craved -- a mixture of pleasure, surrender and the feeling that your life was different now. "Wow. You're amazing, Jack. I mean...wow." We each composed ourselves a little. "You OK? Need the bathroom?" "Maybe. Yeah. I'll be right back." I was fine, but I needed a little time alone to process everything. The soreness down there was bearable and also pleasant in a weird way. I guess it was good that it was done, and there's no way I could make a different choice. There was another white robe on a hook in the bathroom. I put it on. I needed a cigarette, but I'm pretty sure this was a non-smoking room. "Everything okay? I got you another beer." I put my clothes back on. "You leaving already? I feel so cheap!" He was chuckling at his own joke. "I just need a smoke. Be right back." The elevator stopped on the way down and Nate stepped in carrying an impressive video camera. "You're going home? It's not even 1 yet." "Nah. I need a cigarette." "Cool...can I join you?" We stepped outside the hotel and stood near a big standing ashtray filled with clean white sand. "How'd the interview go?" "Oh man! We got some great stuff. This guy finally decided that he didn't want his face shown, and I don't blame him. He'd be hunted down and killed. Dude is dumb as hell, but he at least knew that much. Hell...I better go edit all this stuff now. Be cool and drive safe." The word 'safe' seemed kind of ridiculous now. A few minutes later I went back through the lobby and ran into Todd. "Well..what have we got here?" He had a devilish smile. "Oh. I uh..." "I went back to the room and the whole place smelled like sex. It's okay. I'm not mad at either of you...just wish I would have been your first. How does it feel?" "Fine. Good, actually." "Let's go somewhere. I found a little secret place on my way to Miguel's room." The place he found was a small utility room on the third floor. "It's not exactly very clean or comfortable here, but there's a lock on the door." I knew where this was going. So be it. "Can you handle another dick in you so soon? This dick right here?" He'd fished his meat out through the zipper. It was bigger than Jack's, but not as pretty. It was so heavily-veined that it looked as if earthworms were climbing up from the base. "Yeah. It's an interesting dick you got there, Todd." "Why not get a closer look?" I was down on my knees so fast. I guess I could have played along and pretended to study it, but the time for coy games had long since passed. I started kissing and licking it. It didn't get any prettier as it became fully hard. "That's it. Yeah. Take that cock, kid." He grabbed the back of my head and humped my face. His technique wasn't as smooth as his lover's. I didn't mind. I'd already discovered the joys of submitting to a man's dick. Giving myself away.... He bent me over a large cardboard box full of something solid and heavy, and pulled down my pants. This was decidedly less sexy than being in a bed. He probed my ass with two fingers. "Damn. You're still lubed up. Jack's pretty good at that. Let me fuck his load deeper into you and add my own. Want that, Joey? Of course you do. Lower yourself down just a bit...like you're about to kneel down and pray. Stick your ass a little. Like that. Yeah." And then there was that familiar feeling of his cock head prodding my hole. There was nothing smooth or seductive about his approach to this. He just kept pushing and trying to get inside. It occurred to me that it was part of my punishment for not letting him fuck me first...or for having sex with his boyfriend. I just knew he was making me pay. Or maybe he thought it's what I wanted. I yelped once. He hit a spot up in me that Jack didn't or couldn't reach. Todd was crazy with angry lust and just kept thrusting like I was a blow-up doll or something. I wasn't really enjoying this physically. Mentally, however, it was exciting to imagine two different strains of HIV entering my bloodstream. It would go through my brain and heart and do its thing. I closed my eyes and concentrated on the bug, the sex bug. "Gonna come in you now!" He grabbed my shoulders and made one final thrust. "Oh FUCK!" It was over. He pulled out of me and zipped his fly. "Wow. I'll remember that forever, Todd." "You have no idea. Sorry I was a little impatient...I just wanted to breed you so bad. Let's decide now that Jack's cum wasn't enough to impregnate you, but my potent sperm hit the bull's eye. Keep thinking that. I will." "Yeah. I like that idea." "I think I've got another special surprise lined up for you. A gift. Stay here a minute and I'll be right back." He left and closed the door behind him. I pulled my pants up and tried to look normal. The room was weird and I looked around for something, anything to occupy myself with. An ice cold beer would have been nice. Maybe Todd wasn't coming back. "OK." He came back in to our secret room. "Think you can handle another load? Miguel wants a blow job, and neither Nate or I would do it. Ethics and all. But I just told him about you and he liked the idea...especially because you're young and don't have any facial hair. He's a little sleazy, but all cleaned up. You need to taste the same cum that knocked-up some of your schoolmates. You game?" "Why not? I'm a professional slut now." "Good. He's in room # 312 and the door is wedged open a little. Just go in there and say 'Hi'. He'll tell you what to do. I don't think he wants to fuck your ass, though. Seed is seed, ya know? Jack and I have a poz friend who claims he's only ever sucked dick in his life. Maybe bite your tongue or something. Oh wait. Never mind." He kissed me deeply, passionately. The he bit my lower lip and sucked on my tongue fiercely. It was so hot until he clamped his teeth down on the tip.YOW! I knew what he was doing. My mouth was prepped for yet another toxic load. "Thanks, man. I think I'm ready now." "Almost." He stuck two hairy fingers between my lips and drug his nails across my gums and the insides of my cheeks. "Now you're ready. Room 312...just go on in. He's expecting you. I'll be here a few more days. Call again. Here's my business card. Keep in touch, please." I nodded and left. The hallway was silent. I made a mental note of the pattern on the carpet and the way the sconces made little pools of amber light. If only the room was further away. It was right there...a little sliver of TV light was creeping out of the crack in the door. OK. It was time. I knocked softly and went inside. "Miguel? Hi. I'm Jim." He was completely naked and lying on top of the bed. Flat on his back. You can't control the first thing people notice about you. I noticed what a sweet, delicate shade of pink the soles of his feet were. The rest of him was dark brown and hairy. His hair was longish and his beard was so thick and full. His eyes were dark, glistening. "Jim? OK. You like to suck the dick, yes? And you go to the school where some of my girls go?" "Yes. I've been wanting to meet you." "That's good. Get us some tequila from that ice box. TV is paying for it." I did what he requested. Never tasted tequila that I can remember. I handed him the little bottle and opened my own. It stung the little wounds Todd had made in my mouth. "So you live in the park?" "Not now. I'm living here as long as they let me. And then...and then I will go South. I got some cousins in Tupelo, Alabama. Shame to leave this place though, cuz there is so much willing pussy here. And I always need to fuck." He was stroking his nice slab of dark meat. "I'm sort of famous too. I should write a book, but my English is not so well." "I can help you. I'm a writer...or I want to be." "Good. Leave your phone and address with me. Can't use my real name." "Oh I know. I just want to be a part of your story and have you be a part of mine." "Yes. Good. Go bring us more booze. I don't care what." I brought back six or seven mini bottles and bravely lied down next to him. "You are very handsome. Your babies will be so cute. I know some of the mamas." " I always wanted a family...not this way, but there are not many ways for a guy like me. Especially now that there is a sickness in my balls." His dick was rock hard and sticking straight up. It was even darker than Jack's. Almost completely black. "You think this is handsome also?" He flashed a grin. I understood how so many girls had submitted to him and taken his seed. "Let's drink a little more and then you put your mouth there. We watched TV and glugged down the liquor. It was some MTV series with beautiful, young people staying at a beach house. It was practically porn, but everybody's clothes were on. Boring. I just looked at him jerking off that big cock. "What would you like to be in the book?" "Really? You really going to write it? Give me money when it sells?" "I promise. I'll give you half." "You are so good. I'm sorry but I won't fuck you in the culo . I don't never do that." "It's cool, Miguel. I'll do whatever you want. You set the limits." "Yes. You know what I won't do now...do some of your gay stuff. Want to lick my asshole?" "Yes. I do." "Just do what you want." I leaned over and kissed his hot, hard dick. He sighed loudly. I'd already sucked two dicks in the last three hours...I had a knack for it now. I knew my gag reflex had to be conquered. I amazed him (and myself) by taking the whole dick in my mouth. It was in my throat, hitting spots I didn't know about. If he shot his load now, it would fill my lungs. So be it. He was so verbal. "Fuck! I never want you to stop! Tomar mi semen! Swallow now! Mierda!!!" He let a long rope of cum shoot into my mouth. I made a point of swishing the fluid around over my gums. It was strong-tasting, salty and thick. No wonder he impregnated so many wombs. He lifted his softening cock out of my mouth and the last drops of hot semen soaked his pubes. It was completely white with tiny swimmers. Fertile man. He was sleepy, and I left. I thought about everything. My state of mind was of no importance. I had to go home and sneak back into my room. No time for regrets or sadness. Or anger. All those emotions were useless. I felt some blood in my underwear. I was leaking. Mom and I spent Friday together as my ass continued to drip. We'd see heavily-pregnant women walking around in the mall, and I knew something about them and also about me. We all got seeded because we caved in. We all shared a secret willingness to let a dick change our lives. (to be continued)
  5. (Special thanks to Lynn who inspired this story. Love you, man.) 1993 Jeff. It's too common a name for someone that meant so much to me some twenty years ago. Someone who changed my world completely. I guess you could say my world needed changing back then. I was single and mostly okay with being alone, but the nights were lonely. My dating history was spotty at best...mostly just fucking around here and there. I'd often find myself spending my evenings exactly as I do now: Smoking a cigarette and staring at a computer screen for hours. AOL chat rooms were still a big thing back then, and horny people from all over the world had staked their claim to most of them. I hung out in one room called "GeorgiaMaleforMale". I was in a medium-sized town with no active gay community that I knew of. A few guys went to the park or to the rest area on the highway. I'd been there and done that. I guess my 20's had taught me that there are no boyfriends in those places...nobody to hold hands with or take to dinner. There was cock and cum and lust. Around that time, I stopped thinking love was a real concept. The French had invented it as a nice word for "attraction". The harsh truth had started showing on my face in wrinkles and a permanent frown. I started looking older than my actual age. Fuck it. Plain old lust was good enough for me now. I ended up chatting with a guy who lived about forty minutes from me. Jeff. There were no photos in those old AIM profiles...just descriptions of themselves and their desires. Jeff's wasn't really detailed, but his short distance from me was enough for me to go on. He and I were somewhat similar...he was a year older than me and a few inches taller, but none of those details seemed to matter to me right then. I secretly hoped he'd private me first, but that didn't happen. I took the plunge.... Hi, neighbor. Oh HI! I was about to private you, but I figured you were already chatting with somebody. Nope. How are you? Not bad. Are you new here? No, but I haven't been here much lately. It's the same jerks as always. They talk trash me in this place. Why? Reasons. My name is shit around here. I think it's because I come across like a snob when I type. I'm not, though. And also I'm poz. Damn. I was so sick of that disease...it had haunted my prime sexual years and it was just so brutal. Every time they discovered something new about the virus,it was more apparent that AIDS was almost impossible to cure. Oh. I'm sorry, man. How do you feel now? No symptoms...but I'm not going to lie about it to assholes online. Some of them probably have it to, but won't own up to it. Sucks. You are better than them. You okay with me being poz? Are you clean? Doesn't matter to me. A bisexual guy fucked me bare when I was in my teens...gave me butt warts. That's a beginner's bug. Herpes is pretty much the same. You like to be fucked, huh? I do! I haven't had sex in four years...it's not worth the heartbreak. 'Heartbreak'? I don't bother with romance any more. You like sucking dick? Absolutely. I'm good at it unless the guy is too big. Oh. Well...I'm kind of big. More wide than long. I just love being blown. Would you suck a poz dick? Why not? Would you let a poz guy fuck your ass? With no condom? I would. Are you a chaser? I mean, are you trying to get infected? Not so much...I just don't care. I focus on the experience and the man. I can give you an experience alright. Do you have a digital photo? No. Sorry. Do you? Yeah. I'll send it to you. You can make an online photo at Kinko's. Just take a regular picture there and they'll convert it. It's cheap. Will do. I don't have any nude pics though. Ha! I don't either. Can't imagine giving a nude photo to some random Kinko's employee. We'll see each other nude soon enough. Check your email tomorrow morning. Gonna crash now. I'm I'm Jeff, by the way. I'm Lyle. Sleep well, Jeff. It was almost 2 AM on a Friday night/Saturday morning. I didn't turn on the radio because I couldn't handle hearing "I Will Always Love You" one more time. That fucking song, I swear. I'd read and go to sleep. My brain was full of thoughts, ideas and questions. I'd ask the kid at Kinko's about digital cameras. How did they even work? Where could you buy one? I'm sure they weren't cheap. I had no dreams that night. Early on Saturdays is when I usually did laundry. It wasn't busy and nobody would rip your stuff off at this hour. To hell with it. Sunday morning would work. I raced to the computer which I'd left on. Jeff had sent an email! It had an attachment that I opened so fast...there he was. He didn't look sick. A little skinny, maybe....but well within the normal range. His face was somewhat boyish and pale. His hair was dark and recently cut. He wore a nice, blue-checkered shirt, buttoned all the way to the neck. Handsome man. I could reply and gush about the picture...write some adoring compliments maybe. But I stopped myself. I would turn 30 this year and knew there was no romance left anywhere so there was no point chasing it. This was just a sex thing. That was enough. OK. Time for me find a photograph of myself. I had a whole shoe box full of them and an unused photo album that somebody gave me a long time ago. I was never a fan of looking at pictures of myself because all I could do is see all of my flaws. One of the first few I looked at was taken at some cousin's graduation and it was candid. I was looking over my shoulder at something and my hair looked pretty decent. I bet I was craving a cigarette and was scouting for a place to go have one. My brother probably snapped this one. I decided on this one because I looked okay and really didn't want to go through all the old memories just now. The Kinko's guy was reading a paperback when I walked in, and the place was empty. Good. I was slightly embarrassed even though he'd have no idea what my mission was. He seemed bored and possibly hungover. He listed the options: on a disk, through email, various filters, etc. I didn't really know what to get so I just asked for the deluxe package sent to my email. "Just the one photo? You could bring in up to ten...better value." I didn't even think of that. "No. Just this one." I felt like a kindergartner. "Suit yourself. Put your email address on this form and keep your receipt. This'll probably in your mail by the time you get home." I needed to go do some weekend chores, but I just couldn't wait to talk to Jeff again. Sure enough, the pics were already there. I wasn't real familiar with zip files, but figured it out. So weird -- looking at myself on the computer. They had put borders on some of them, altered brightness and colors. I chose the one where my cheeks looked a little pinker and the background was dark. I attached it to a message for Jeff. Good morning! Here's my pic. It's about six months old, but I look pretty much the same now. Hope we talk soon. My phone number is --- ----, if you'd rather talk that way. Lyle I didn't know what to do with myself at that point. My apartment building was coming to life and so laundry was out of the question. I kind of needed something to focus on just then. Nintendo. I went through all the levels of Mario Bro.s 2 and 3. Was he awake? What was he thinking? Maybe I should vacuum or something. I prepared to busy myself when the phone rang. My heart raced and I tried to get my shit together before answering. I picked up right after the third ring. "Hello?" "Hi Lyle. It's Jeff. I'm looking at your picture now....so cute!" "Thanks. Yours too. I did like you suggested and went to Kinko's. I meant to ask the guy about digital cameras, but he was not all the friendly. Do you know anything about them?" "They have them at the Best Buy here. I think they're a little pricey, but we can go look." "Cool. I want to see you so badly." "Today? Today would be good because my roommate is out of town until Monday." "Oh. I didn't know you had a roommate." "David. It's his house. We're not boyfriends or anything, even though we fool around once every so often. He's poz too." More new things to think about. "I can be there in less than an hour.What's a good time for you?" "Wait until after you eat some lunch. That'll give me time to clean up around here." It was almost 11 AM. "OK. I'll see you around 1 or 1:30." He gave me directions and I wrote them down carefully. There's no way I could eat anything. Electricity was pulsing from my groin to my heart to my brain while my stomach was AWOL. I took a thorough shower and then wondered what the hell I should wear. It was still warm enough for shorts, but I hesitated. I finally just wore the nice, casual clothes I'd planned on wearing to work on Monday. Instead of loafers, I put on some Nike high-tops so it wouldn't look like I was ready for a date. But that's kinda what this was, wasn't it? I hadn't been on an actual date in over a year. I put on just a bit of cologne out of habit. What I felt wasn't "nervous"...it was a step above of that somehow...right below "panic". The drive went by pretty fast even though I listened to AM talk radio. The right-wing assholes flourished in the South. My anger at this demographic distracted me a little. They all hated Clinton and said nasty things about his wife and daughter. Fucking rednecks. I wish my company would transfer me to a blue state like Illinois or California. 'Hallyen' was the name of Jeff's street, but I said it in my head as "Hell Yeah". It was a middle-class neighborhood, and pretty tidy. Jeff's house (or I guess his roommate's house) was set away from the street behind some massive trees. I didn't know what I expected a residence with two poz guys living in it to look like. Maybe I figured it would look a little menacing, darker. But the place looked normal and the day was beautiful. I parked along the curb and turned off the damn radio with rebellious force. To hell with those people. And there he was. Jeff. He was standing there all tall and handsome, with jeans and a gray polo shirt. He looked only slightly different than the photo he sent. He had a full, healthy five o'clock shadow already. His hair was black and there was a hint of something foreign in his skin tone. He had no shoes on. "Lyle? You're slightly early, my friend. It's cool. You're not allergic to cats are you? -- I forgot to ask. There's a cat inside and he hides when David's not here. I always forget what his name is..." "Sorry. The drive was quicker than I thought. I've never been here." The yard was mostly neat. "Come on in. You look nice. I haven't even finished drying my hair. Sorry." "Your hair looks perfect. Nice feet." He looked at me with a puzzled expression. "They're pretty big and beat up, but at least I trimmed the nails not long ago. Come on in." After I was inside, I smelled the odor of pot right away. Pot and cat box. I was no prude or anything...I'd toked more than a few times in college. It just didn't much except make me hungry. There was a ceiling fan lamp on...with multiple globes, but only one of them had a working bulb. The last light with life. My dad wouldn't stand for that. He was always replacing bulbs and searching for the brand that lasted longest. It was maybe to defy mortality. ??? "Nice place, Jeff. Lots of space." Thanks. Make yourself at home and I'll finish getting ready. Want a beer?" He brought me a Bud and disappeared off to another room. He was humming. The beer was burning my stomach a little which made me wish I had actually eaten something beforehand. Oh well. I guess Jeff wasn't a typical gay dude because he finished grooming really fast. His hair was gelled and he was wearing big, clownish deck shoes. Nice. "Hey, Jeff -- I think I need to eat something. Sorry. I forgot about lunch." "Me too. There's a decent taco place on the way to Best Buy. Let's go." His little car was in the driveway and was really warm inside because of the sun. Jeff didn't seem to notice. I worried my pits would start to sweat, but I was a guest. I wouldn't ask for AC or if I could roll down a window. Maybe he was cold-blooded or....or not feeling well. I mean, how could he NOT be sweating?? Nope. Powder dry. I distracted myself with counting all the confederate flags on the route. Goddamn those people. The little taco place was in a strip mall that had only one other tenant...a nail salon. We ate a few tacos and tortilla chips. I felt better almost immediately. I watched Jeff eat. His fingers were long and thick and the wrists were covered with dark fur. There just wasn't one thing about this man that wasn't attractive. The waiter came to collect or plates. "Want a drink, Lyle. I want a drink." "Sounds great!" He turned to the guy. "Dos vasos de tequilas por favor." Tequila. I tried to remember if I'd ever had it before. After the glasses arrived, Jeff reached into his front pocket and retrieved a few pills. I guess my curious eyes gave me away. "It's just Tylenol. I woke up with a little fever this morning." "Oh no! I'm sorry, Jeff." "No worries. I get them from time to time. Nothing too bad." "Do you want to go home? We can do this another time when you're feeling better." "Hell no. We're going to have another drink and I'll be fine by the time we're done." So we has another glass of tequila with ice in it. I was liking it. Jeff ordered one more. "How you feeling?" "Well...I'm feeling warm. It's either the tequila or my fever is gone." "Possibly both." "Yeah. You have great eyes, Lyle. Smart eyes. First thing I noticed was that you had smart eyes. There's always thinking in those eyes." This made me look down. Nobody had ever said such things to me. Most people said I had the same eyes as my dad, but I never got the sense that was really a compliment. "Thanks. Your eyes are beautiful as well. All of you is." "What about one more drink?" I was pretty drunk already, but that was not my biggest concern. Alcohol lowered your immune system and I figured Jeff didn't need that just now. "Will you be OK? I don't want you to get a fever again." "It's gone. I know all the cops around here. They're usually drunker than anyone they pull over. Let's go!" He paid the bill even though I'd wanted to. It was still so nice outside. I wasn't wobbling or anything, but my balance was a little off. I watched Jeff's perfect ass as he walked ahead of me. It was so fine even though his jeans sagged a little low at the waist. It was still warm inside the car, even warmer than before. "Do you mind if I roll down the window a little?" "Yeah...as long as you don't mind if we put off the Best Buy trip until later. That tequila wiped me out." "No problem. We can go whenever you want. Are you okay?" "Just tired. I didn't sleep all that well last night." He wasn't the only one. Back at his place, Jeff turned his big TV. "Not much on but college football today. That okay? You follow sports at all?" "Not passionately, but it's fine. Go lie down and I might even have a little snooze myself." He smiled,handed me the remote and left. I don't dislike football. My thing with watching any sporting event is that it all seems like reruns to me...I couldn't tell if I was watching a new game or one from ten years ago. Maybe I would stretch out on the couch and take a nap. I muted the volume and watched the hulking beasts run into each other over and over again. I was drifting off but also keenly aware of the beautiful man sleeping so near by. If you could somehow combine a shot of tequila with elements of college sports, you'd have the greatest sleep aid ever. Jeff was awake and trying not to make noise. Just his presence in the room was enough to jolt me out of a sound sleep. I listened to him clatter around the kitchen for a few minutes before getting up. I followed the sounds and found him peppering two thawed steaks. "Hi. Do you feel better, Jeff?" "Yeah. Much. I thought I'd grill out on the deck while the weather is still nice...sound good?" "Sounds great." "Want a beer or a soda or something?" He'd changed clothes. "Beer sounds good." "Well...there's two different kinds in there. Possibly three. Pick one and bring it out back while I get started." The refrigerator was packed with all kinds of good stuff. I'd never asked Jeff what he did for a living. Maybe David was wealthy. Whatever -- I guess it wasn't any of my business. He hadn't asked me much either. I went through the sliding glass door and smelled that wonderful smell of charcoal and lighter fluid. The odor of Summer. "It's a nice space here. Your backyard is beautiful." "I'll tell David you said so. He is obsessed with getting everything raked, mowed and weeded. Speaking of which...." He offered me a blunt that was already lit. "A little appetizer?" "Thanks." I took a toke and watched Jeff slide the steaks onto the grill. I was no prude about weed, but a little particular. I loved smoking it with really good friends, but it felt weird to bet stoned with people I didn't know very well. It didn't seem like a very social drug. "I'm glad we can talk. When the cicadas come out in the evenings, you have to practically yell. They are usually out by this time of year. Weird. That annoying song they sing means that Summer is over." "My dad always called them 'locusts' even though I tried to explain to him the difference many times. Stubborn bastard, my dad." "That reminds me. We're having a salad alongside the steak. I made it fresh. We used to buy that bagged salad, but I once found a live grasshopper in one I'd just got from the store. Never again. I don't I made the coals hot enough, so this will take awhile." "It's fine. It's just so beautiful back here. I live in an apartment and am almost never outdoors." The weed was relaxing, but not intense. My stoner friend Jimmy would call it 'kind'. Jeff settled down on the bench next to me. He'd put on flip-flops that were probably a size too small because his large toes hung over the edges. "Here's what I find weird about you, Lyle." Uh oh "You are super smart and always thinking...so why haven't you asked me many questions? I mean, we've talked about insects more than we have about important stuff. Are you biting your tongue?" "No." I handed him the roach. "I'm just a clod. I like you so much and I don't to ruin my chances by asking too much." The meat was just barely starting to sizzle over the heat. "I guess I understand that. You're not a clod...just polite. I should tell you that I'm unemployed. I worked for a place that did lithography...coupons, ads and crap that most everybody throws away. Word got out about me and they fired my ass." "Is that even legal?" "Probably. This is the South. I didn't love it there enough to fight. David and I were fuck buddies back then and he invited me to move in. We're both such sluts and it's anybody's guess as to who pozzed who first. This for four years ago. I do everything around the house, but not the gardening. David's a physical therapist and makes a very decent living. Your turn, Lyle." "Um...I am an Aries. I work for a regional magazine, doing layout and some writing." "Have you ever been in love?" "Yes. I can honestly say I once was. His name was Norman. I know I felt love, but I'm not sure he ever did. We weren't sexually compatible. Those were his words." "Like how?" "He was very endowed. It hurt too much to have him try to fuck me. He bought me a dildo to practice with, but I just couldn't make myself use it." "I'm the same way...it's flesh or nothing. But the bad news is that my dick is really big. Probably bigger than Norman's." We'd finished the roach, but Jeff had a fresh fatty ready to spark. "Oh." "Maybe he was just too impatient. Or maybe he was a jerk." "Probably both." "I'm very patient and know how to go slow...especially with beginners." "I've been fucked before...guys with smaller penises. Always with a condom, though." "Well, I've got tons of Trojans in my bedroom. I don't like wearing them, but they can be fun to jack off with." The sun was close to setting and I wondered how high I was. We ate and talked about more mundane things as the coals in the grill slowly died out. The cicadas started their obnoxious hum. "They're here!" "Perfect timing...I was just about to suggest we go inside." I wanted to sit for a little longer. That sound , that song that signaled the and and beginning of things. Jeff put his flip-flops back on and left all the dirty plates outside. "Is the fire out?" "I don't know, Boy Scout. I'll have over 24 hours before I have to clean everything up. David could be on LSD and still have to do the dishes before going to bed." Once inside, my host pit some of the many candles that seemed to be everywhere. I'll leave the TV off is you don't mind. Want music?" A wave of dreamy static washed over my brain. I kind of wanted to hear the cicadas harmonize above the roof. "Sure, Jeff. Anything you want." "Ever hear of Mazzy Star? It's probably my favorite CD of all time. I once smoked a shit ton of hash and listened to the whole thing twice. I swear I found a few dimensions of reality that night." I knew I'd love it. I knew I would because I love everything about how I felt. I would have admitted I loved Jeff too, but that would wreck everything. "Sure If you've never heard this group, go to youtube and sample it now. I mean, wow. It was beautiful, hypnotic and yet still interesting. The singer's voice was like a tiny fairy serenading your soul. It helped that his sound system was amazing. My ex had a thing for Enya, but I could never understand what the fuck she was saying. "You like this, Lyle?" "I love you...I mean 'it'. I love it." I guess I was too stoned to be embarrassed. He chuckled and finished off the joint. "Me too. I've got more weed in my room, but let's sit here for a few minutes. Take your shoes off at least. Relax." I did, and it felt so good I took my socks and shirt off too. "Nice. I was going to do that for you if you didn't." While I was in audio bliss, he had already stripped down to his underwear. I was a little sad that there wasn't more than candlelight in the room. I wanted to see his body under a thousand watt bulb. But this was nice in a way too. Even though there so many shadows in the room, I could tell his dick was huge. Way bigger than Norman's. He never showed much when soft -- not like Jeff. I wanted to stare at his bulge, but my eyes were closing. I wasn't so much sleepy as I was in a pre-dream sue to the music. One lyric, one piece of music caught my attention: "I could possibly be fading/ Or have something more to gain/ I could feel myself growing colder/ I could feel myself under your fate" He wasn't next to me. "Jeff??" "I'm just getting a beer...I have cotton mouth really bad. Want one?" "Yeah. This CD is amazing." I'd buy a copy for myself if we ever made it to Best Buy. As if he's been reading my earlier thoughts, Jeff switched on a hallway light. The room brightened a little. He also brought a big candle to the coffee table in front of us. I took the opportunity to look at his groin. I might have looked too intently. "You like it, huh? It doesn't scare you?" "No. It's...I want it." "Okay. Just double-checking. I want to show it to you. So bad. So, so bad." He dropped his undies and THERE it was. It was so long and wide...and somehow alien. I swear it twitched a little. "You can touch it if you want." And I did...maybe too fast. It was super-heated and started to get bigger as I gripped the shaft. "I've never seen a dick this big! You're right...it's way bigger than Norman's." I bet he was used to getting complimented on his awesome meat. "Please kiss it. Please." He didn't need to be so polite. I put the warm head to my lips and tasted this beautiful man. I was savoring the flavors and didn't realize how completely hard he was getting. "That's nice. Take off the rest of your clothes and then I want you to suck me." It was awkward to strip completely in front of this perfect specimen, but I wanted to please him so badly." And he remained fully hard. I was no good at estimating size, but I'd bet it was over ten inches and my wristwatch would probably fir snugly around the base. It hung in the candlelight like a third arm or something. "It'll be easier if I sit. Get on the floor." You know when you're at a restaurant and really hungry? You order too much food and can't eat it all. That was me right then. I wanted to take that cock all the way down to my lungs, but only get about a third of it in my mouth. Jeff played with my hair and humped a little, trying to get farther in. My stupid gag reflex kept kicking in (a problem I'd had with Norman). "Sorry." "What? Why? You're going farther down than most guys can. I want you to enjoy this too. It just feels so nice and I can get a little greedy with a nice mouth on my dick." I eased up a bit He was moaning and breathing heavily. I could do this all day, every day. Would he cum? Mine own dick was ready to burst. "OK. Come sit down here beside me." He lit up the third or fourth joint of the evening. I kind of didn't want to get more altered so I faked my tokes. "The candles smell good. What scent are they?" "Damned if I know. David buys them. I like the plain ones because just the smell of ordinary melted wax is nice enough. Come on. Let's go to my bedroom." He took me by the hand and led me into the shadows. The room was very inviting. There was a night light already on and the bed was made. It made me happy that he'd planned on bringing me here all along. "This is a nice room, Jeff." "Thanks. The bedding is brand new...you can help me break it in." He stretched out on top of the comforter and closed his eyes for a second.. His cock was still rock hard. "I'm going to ask you this only once more...Are you sure you want to do this with no condom?" I was so sure. "I don't usually allow guys I top to have a choice, but I'm giving you - just you - the option." "I appreciate that, but I don't want latex between us." "And you fully understand what could happen if I cum in your ass? You're not too stoned?" Was I? "I'm fine. Ask me to name every state capitol...in alphabetical order." "No. That would make me go limp. I believe you. Get on up here and you can sit on it. That way will be easiest." He produced a tube of lube and started oiling up his throbbing boner.I could watch him do that for hours. "I so wish I had a digital camera right now. Is that KY? Norm used that on us." "No. This is way better. I don't have much left so we need to make it count." I straddled his waist and let him massage a wet glob of the stuff into my butt hole. Jeff had larger fingers than my ex, but was much more gentle. That alone felt so good, I'd almost be happy if it ended now. "Good God. You are super tight...this will take some time. Ready? Just ease down on my cock. Don't rush." He held my sides and guided me lower. I felt him contact ever so slowly. I remember this as always being the worst part. I wondered if I should have asked him to just rape me and get it over with. But he wasn't that kind of guy and I really needed this to mean something. "Ow!" "Sorry, Lyle. Too fast?" "It's fine. It's fine. Are you in?" "Just barely. Relax and try to get used to it. for a minute. I can wait." It was painful but I willed myself to concentrate on the feelings of pleasure that had to be coming soon. "Yeah. Oh! Take your time." Amazingly, I had made it almost halfway down the shaft...still waiting for the good feelings to begin. "I can't take more of it, Jeff." "It's okay. We'll stay like this and smoke a little." He lit up the blunt, but I declined. I'd had enough...and I didn't want an ember to drop on his hairy chest and set him on fire. I relaxed a little and another half inch entered me. "Don't rush, babe". "It's feeling pretty good right now." It was. THIS is why guys did this. I finally got it just then. "Good! I'll let you set the pace." I maybe pushed my luck a little because I felt my ass rip more. "Wait. Hold on." His dick was wide as a wrist at the base. I'd come too far to hesitate now. "You're almost there. Goddamn it feels so good inside you. Shit. You're gonna get a big load pretty soon." And then he was all the way in. The pain wan't gone but it was starting to get crowded out by the pleasures... both mental and physical. I lifted up a little and move back down, letting that huge penis stir my innards. He slowly started to thrust to meet the rhythm I'd started. He let out a long groan. "OK, man. I'm almost ready to shoot." "Don't. Not yet. Can we switch places?" The low light in the room hid his expression. "Perfect! We can fuck like newlyweds." It was a little awkward changing positions because I didn't want him to pull out for even a second. And then we settled in the missionary style. "Bring your knees down as close to your shoulders as you can..yeah. Like that." He was setting the pace now because I think he knew I wanted him to take over completely. He did. The thrusting intensified and sweat was dripping onto my face. I caught more of his face in the dim light. His eyes were squeezed shut and his smile was bright and natural. "Yeah! Cum inside of me, Jeff! I want it!" He was pure animal after that, growling and primal. At no point in my life had I ever felt this turned on. "I...I..Oh God. I'm breeding you now, little buddy! Shit!" He'd shot his load only a split-second before I did. Everything would be different now. He collapsed on top of me and his heavy breathing had a slight rasp. My gluey load was squished between us, making a slightly comical noise.Then we kissed for a long time. His breathing was returning to normal. I was blissed-out. After the lust and adrenaline left my system, the weed resumed its work. How was it even possible for a human being to feel so good? "That was fantastic, Jeff. Thank you." "It was great, huh? Do you need the bathroom? It's right across the hall from my door." I did have to sit on the toilet, but had no idea what would come out of me. I was ready for whatever. I sat for a while, but blood mixed with a little lube is all that was in the bowl. I stayed longer, not wanting to chance an accident while I slept. I was fine. I'd read porn stories where the bottom was fucked so hard he could barely walk. I could walk just fine. There was some soreness, sure, but nothing too bad. "What time is it?" "Last I looked at the clock, it was after 10. I'm gonna take a little nap...you can go watch TV if you want to." No way. I wanted to lie down next to that big, warm body. Our 'nap' lasted until morning. He snored and mumbled in his sleep...but it sounded like music to me. Neither of us really wanted to leave the bed, but gradually did. We never made it Best Buy on Sunday. We smoked, fooled around and talked. At one point I almost said "I love you", but held off. He'd already said he was not the boyfriend type in so many words. It had been a great fuck and that's all. It was a harsh truth that I hadn't really prepared myself for, and it made me think I should go home now. I'd always have the memory of this. Jeff and I hugged goodbye. I thought about "love" on the highway. I still felt it. Maybe it was enough just for me to have the feeling and enjoy it. Just because he wasn't in love didn't have to figure into the equation just now. Love feels good...as good or better than sex. I could have this emotion even if it wasn't returned. That's where I stayed and am still staying to this day. A great ending to this story would be Jeff eventually falling in love with me and us moving in together. That's not what happened. Jeff died two weeks later. After unanswered calls and no sign in the chat room, I finally drove to his place one night. David was home and he told me what had happened. "He got pneumonia and went really fast. He was only in the hospital for ten hours. He's buried in the small town where his mother lives. I have her number if you want it." I took it calmly and jammed it in my pocket. "Thanks." "I'm sorry, man. Do you want to sit down and have a drink?" Oh fuck. If he tried to hit on me, I'd lose it. "No thanks." I could feel tears wanting to come. "You're Lyle, right?" I nodded. "He liked you. Said you had fun." I'd never return to this town. The physical Jeff was gone, but he was still alive in my thoughts and in my heart. AIDS had ruined so many love stories, but I'd never let it claim this one.
  6. you have amazing eyes.

  7. early 1980's Maybe I was in grade school or junior high when I first read about "The Gay Cancer" that was infecting gay men in New York and Boston. My first thought that is was caused by just thinking too much about sex with men, but that didn't seem likely. Maybe it was like being around kids with chicken pox...you'd get it by being too close to them. A few years later, I'd read enough to know it came from sex. It wasn't cancer -- it was a virus. That was a relief because I knew from way early on that I was gay. I figured it out after sneaking into my older sister's room and reading her "Seventeen" magazines. Every page absorbed me. "Is it Love Or Just a Crush?", "Best Places For a First Date" and "Does He Want You to Make the First Move?". I wanted to be a girl. I wanted a boy to love me. I also wanted to wear lip gloss. But there was no way I could tell anyone. Not now. Not ever. I didn't know the term "in the closet", but I sure as fuck lived in one. I could never even touch a handsome man. I'd lose a bunch of weight and get those bruise things on my face. The visible signs of the disease would show everyone what I was. 1994 So obviously I'd had a celibate life all through my youth and college years. I'd learned to bury the girlishness deep down. I just studied and thought about the future. My future ended up with a pretty good job. I was hired to do research for a big company in a pretty large city. The details are mundane, but the job allowed me free access to the internet, no filters. It was a nice perk. It wasn't long before I decided to get a computer at home too. Other things had changed. Gays seemed to be everywhere and very visible. Marches, protests and parades...all in the name of equality. I was glad that others were "out" because I doubted I'd ever be able to be. There were also more treatments for AIDS, and there were also articles about possible vaccines. Well, good. Nothing was guaranteed or certain, and I was still afraid of sex and of just being gay. The great thing about computers is that you can access the whole world and nobody can see you. I started snooping around the web looking for pictures of naked men. So much content! I wore my dick out, masturbating to nude guys I'd never meet. I also checked out sites 'of gay interest'. It was on one of those places that I found a link to guys who had a boot fetish...interesting. Men would post pics with captions like 'my size 13 doc martens after I came on them'. Wow. It wasn't long before I got deeper into the fetish culture online. Man, people were into so much stuff I'd never even thought about. There was one link with a warning in red letters: Deathculture.net is distasteful, but it exists. It's like watching a car crash.Not endorsed by this site at all. Enter with caution!! I was reminded of being a very young kid and seeing ads for scary movies where they warned that the film may cause you to die of fright. So of course I followed the link, and found it was a site about 'bug-chasing' and 'gift giving'....AIDS fetish. I couldn't imagine such a thing. Or could I? It was mostly just stories about guys into having unprotected sex. I read every single one. "This is twisted", I thought to myself as I jerked off endlessly. This fetish seeped into my brain and made a home there. This was more exciting than the boot thing. There were 11.000 members from all over the world and the site kept growing. There were photos of guys with plus signs tattooed on their stomachs, sickly guys with lesions and such. And then they started showing personal ads. After a few months, men were bolder and more x-rated with their posts. It was on one of the personal ads that I met 'BBPozLarry'. He lived a hundred miles from me and was a 'top gifter'. I didn't contact him, just looked at the photo of his big boner and read his words over -- and over again. Poz stud will impregnate you. 100% guaranteed results. I have a huge viral load and very high sperm count. Can host or travel for willing neg bottoms What would it hurt to just email him? No. I needed to figure out why I was so intrigued. Had I lost my mind? I needed to think. My college friend Darrel was coming to stay with me a couple of days because I'd arranged a job interview for him with my company. Darrel was a small, bookish guy who had a couple of classes with me over the years. He was scary smart and had a dark sense of humor. He's the one who introduced me to John Waters' movies. He'd recently gotten engaged to a girl who looked almost exactly like him. He arrived early on Saturday and it was so good to see him. "Hey Jonah! Thanks for letting me stay over." He dropped his duffel bag and surprised me with a hug. Weird. We'd never even high-fived before. "Were my directions good?" "Of course. Show me around." "Not much to show, pal. This is the living room/bedroom. The futon folds out. The kitchen and bathroom are off that way." "Hmm. It looks like Pee-Wee's Playhouse in here. It needs a woman's touch." He was right of course. This was obviously not where an adult lived. All I had were electronics, big inflatable dinosaurs and various weird stuff. "No offense. Look -- I am wiped-out from the long trip. Do you mind if I take a quick nap on your couch/futon thing? For, like, an hour?" "No, Go right ahead. I have some work to do on the computer. Need anything?" "Nope. I just..I'm so sleepy." He took off his shoes and was asleep almost immediately. I got online and went through my email. Junk, junk, pics of my sister's ugly kid...and something from an address I didn't recognize. The subject was just "Hi!" How are you, dear? You might know me as BBPozLarry. You've checked out my profile almost forty times and thought I'd contact you since you have not ever left a comment or emailed me. Are you scared, shy or confused? I can tell by the age you claim to be, that you're young and probably not experienced. Your stats are nice, but I need to see a face photo. No way! I was just now trying to figure out my motives...and had no digital photos of myself. Darrel was snoring away as I sat in frozen panic. OK. Deep breath. I wasn't aware that people could even see how many times someone had looked at their profile. So much for being invisible on the computer. I had to think now. The only pic of me (that I knew of) was my corporate pic on the company's website. Ir was taken on my first day when I was in a freakin' suit and tie. Could that work? My only option, I guess. I copied it and tried to edit with Windows. I cropped it so you could only see my face. I darkened it a little too so that it didn't look so industrial. Saved it and sent it in a reply to BBPozLarry: Hi. Thanks for the message. Here is my picture. Sorry for not contacting you sooner, but I'm new at everything. Jonah Done. Can't believe what I'd just done. Now I could take a breath and go back to life. But no. He replied right away. Good Boy! Your quick reply tells me a lot! You are so cute, but look like a teenager. Are you busy now? If not, go to my profile and click on the little blue word balloon. We can chat there. I'll be here for a little bit longer tonight. I have stuff to tell you. OK. My guest had been asleep for an hour now, but I had to do this. I found his profile and started a chat with this stranger with active AIDS cum. Hi. Larry? I had stopped breathing for several minutes. Wow. Are you always on the computer, Jonah? Just saying that you are responsive...which is good. What's up? I'm here with a guest sleeping on my couch. Guest or a date? No. He's a friend from school...very straight. I'm trying to help him land a job here in the city. That's nice of you. You seem like a good guy. I'm not a good guy, 'Good' is overrated. What is the stuff you needed to tell me?? You really want my gift, right? Still chasing? Yeah. I think I do. Think?? Well, think fast because the doctor wants me to start taking a new drug that might lower the amount of virus in my system. I wasn't going to take it, but I'm getting symptoms. It's been a great ride. It's a fun bug to get and a really fun bug to give -- but the fun ends when you're sick every day. So if you still want me to fuck you, we'll need to do it in the next thirty days. Take your time to make sure you still want this, but don't take too long. OK? OK. I will let you know soon. Can you send me another photo of you? I'll try. See you later? Yes. My guest is waking up. Gotta go. Darrel looked a little confused as he sat up. "What time is it?" "Almost five o'clock." "Damn! You shouldn't have let me sleep so long. I'm starving! Is it too early to go eat?" "Just a little, but we can go someplace. What are you in the mood for?" "Just something simple. Burgers?" "Perfect. There's a great bar and grill near work. I can show you the building and then have dinner." I really didn't want to drive just now because my mind was in a thousand places. But we went anyway and ate some great bar food. The place wasn't too crowded at this hour. I ordered a pitcher of beer. Darrel seemed shocked. "I've never seen you drink, Jonah!" "I normally don't, but I've got a lot on my mind." "Like what?" "Heavy stuff. Don't you ever wonder why you are the way you are? Why you do things, think things?" "All the time, buddy. My future wife is an amateur therapist and always to know what's going on in my head." "Okay. Did you ever wonder why certain things scare you?" "Well I'm afraid of getting cancer...I saw my grandpa waste away from lung cancer when I was little." "So let's say that you have that fear of cancer, and then one day you decide to start smoking and spending all day in the sun." "As if was self-destructive?" We had emptied the pitcher and I ordered another. "Yes! You think that's what it is?" "I guess. Another way to look at it would be as if I was daring this thing that had worried me so many years to a challenge.. Taking control." Wow. "That's it, Darrel! Well done!" "What? Why? What's in your head?" I needed to change the subject. "Oh, nothing. What are you gonna wear for the interview on Monday?" "Well...I brought some choices. You said 'dressy casual'. You have an iron, right?" "Yeah. I wore a suit at my interview and it looked odd because the managers were in jeans and t-shirts. One guy had on shorts and flip-flops." We discussed other topics and laughed through old memories...and drank more. Darryl is shorter than me and weighs a good twenty pounds less. The alcohol was hitting him pretty hard. I suggested we leave and get some air. It was a nice October night and the breeze smelled like pure oxygen. It revived him, but he was still very buzzed. He stopped to puke once. "Why aren't you drunk, Jonah?" "I guess I'm full of adrenaline right now." He seemed okay with that answer, and we went back to my apartment. I saw my sleeping computer in the corner, and it almost seemed to vibrate with something otherworldly. It was drawing me to it like a magnet. "Can you unfold your futon thing soon? You don't have to put sheets on or anything...I need to crash." "No. I'll make up the bed proper. Everything is washed and fresh. Need something? Aspirin? Or water?" "I guess....hold on. I need the bathroom real quick." I let him barf as I got everything ready. It was only 9:30, but the night had settled in. I lowered the lights and opened my computer screen. Ten new messages! Darrel wandered back into the room and got undressed without saying a word. He just went to sleep like I was hoping he would. I checked the email...junk, junk and then a long stream of messages from BBPoZLarry. 1. Hi Kid! I'm still trying to get you a photo. I'll be on the site to chat if you're home. 2. (picture of him in swim trunks on a beach somewhere) He was a big guy, a little plain maybe. Some body hair and a hefty build. 3. (picture of his face) It seemed like a Christmas photo taken by a relative. He was older than I expected, but still nice-looking. 4. (picture of his thick, soft dick that I'd already seen in his profile) 5. (indistinct porn-looking pic that seemed to be two guys fucking) 6. "Sorry that I can't get you more. I'm not that far away *hint, hint* 7. I guess you're still out with your guest. 8. I want to jack off so bad, but I'm saving the load for you. Hurry and make up your mind! So I did. I decided I wanted this to happen. It was the challenge I wanted. It couldn't happen now because I had company. I wanted him to fuck all my fears away right now, bui I'd wait and get no sleep for many nights, with a boner. I found his profile on the site and clicked the chat link so fast, I thought I'd broke my mouse. Larry? You still here? I just now got home. Hey! It's early for a Saturday night. Bad time or did you just want to rush home and talk to me? lol Not a bad time, really. I got him drunk and he's passed out now. I'm so glad to tell you that I want you to fuck me raw. I'm sure now. Yeah! I wanted to hear that. What made you decide? I want to conquer a fear I've had for so long...a fear of AIDS, sex and being gay. Good Boy! But there's a little more to it, you see? I'm still trying to figure it out. Letting a poz guy fuck you is a high...it's the ultimate sex act for a submissive man (which I think you are). If you allow me to cum inside you, you will remember it forever. Makes sense. I want to do this. When? Next weekend? Does that work for you? Perfect. I'm as viral as hell right now. Want to meet me here or where you are? I'll come to you. Just send me directions and I'll be there at whatever time works best for you. Early! I won't be jacking off and will need relief as soon as possible. Come Friday night if you can. Will do! I can't wait! Cool. I'll call you with directions if you give me your number. I did. I spent Sunday showing Darrel around the city. On Monday morning, I took him to work with me. The interview process was a grueling all-day event. You spent 45 minutes talking to eight different managers around the company. He was nervous, but I knew he'd do well. He was made for this place. Of course Darrel shined and got a job. He had sixty days to move and be ready to start. After he left, I just stayed home every evening. Larry called almost every night and we talked about our lives and histories. His voice was deep and somewhat 'rural'. So much went unspoken, though. We were both planning on the meet-up, but not really discussing anything. He did demand I not cum until Friday night. Friday was approaching fast. For lack of anything else to time, I got a haircut and picked out some new clothes. What in the world do you wear to go get pozzed? I was so antsy. By Friday night, I doubt I'd slept more than an hour at a time. I needed to chill. So bad. That Friday after work, I was a frazzled mess...all nerve endings. I kept having to remind myself why I was doing this. Why it mattered. I told Larry that I'd leave no later than 8 PM. It was 6:10 and I just had to go now. A hundred miles goes by fast when you are thinking of so much. I should have paid attention to every detail of the trip. But I was already in his town...his biggish small town. I messed up the directions a little and circled around until I found his little street. And the address. It was a tidy little ranch house with a nice-sized front yard that been raked recently. It suddenly occurred to me that Larry might be as nervous as I was. But how? He had all the ace cards. The sun was setting fast. What should I do? Wait? Honk? I was frozen. I sat in my car and tried to breathe. I thought about how easily I could just go back home just as the porch light went on. Big ol' Larry walked out on the porch, wearing only a white bathrobe. He was taller and heavier than I had thought. The light caught his bright grin. "Jonah? Wow...you're early. That's a good sign! I just got out of the shower." I suddenly felt very shy. "Yeah. I know. I didn't know how long the trip would take. If you need more time, I can stay in the car or drive around a little while." "What? Does that make any sense?? Get in here now!" I remembered grabbing my keys but not locking the door. I suppose I had "no protection" on my mind just then. I prayed my legs would work...that I wouldn't screw this up. His front room was neat and 'mature' -- not like the goofball kid place I lived in. It smelled like candles in there. "Nice place, Larry." "Thanks. Make yourself at home, Jonah. You look very nice tonight....I had a whole outfit ready too, but you got here so fast. Not complaining. Want some wine? I bought it special for us, for tonight." "Sure." "Great. Settle in on the couch and relax. Take your shoes off." He brought back two very full glasses of red wine which I never even tried before. It was a little sour, but smelled nice. "Thanks. I'm sorry again for getting here so early." "No. Don't apologize again. I told you already that your eagerness is pleasing to me. I'm eager too! Don't be mad, but I have to ask this: You ARE over 18, eight?" "Oh yeah. I turned 24 this past April." "Excellent. Want to watch TV? I don't have cable, but I've got some movies on tape." "Whatever you want." He pressed his remote and immediately some porn was on the screen. Gay porn. There were two guys sixty-nining each other on a gym mat. "This is old. The newer ones have condoms in them, and I'm not down with that." "Wow." It killed me that I didn't have more to say. Everything seemed to be in motion. Larry had opened his robe fully, and was stroking his large, pale boner. I had no idea it would look that big when erect. I could feel its heat, could almost hear his heart throb through the giant vein on top of the shaft. "You can look at if you want." Oh I did. I almost said 'wow' again. Think. "It's beautiful, Larry. All of you is." "Thanks, man. Want to touch it?" My hand was already reaching before he asked. I cupped his egg-sized right ball, remembering what he'd said about building up a big load for me. "Want to kiss it? I bet you do." He was right. I bent down and brushed my lips across the head of his aching dick. He pushed me away. "No more until you get naked." Some guy in the movie was just saying 'fuck' over and over again. I took off everything as instructed. I felt stupid, but I wanted to suck on that huge cock. Maybe he'd shoot that saved cum in my mouth.... "You follow directions very well, Jonah. Kiss it just a little more, but I'm already about to shoot. A few more times in your mouth and then we're going to the bedroom." OK. I savored those last couple of kisses to that enormous head. He made me stop and pulled me off the couch. "Let's get you what you need, Kid." His bedroom was dark and I just followed as his big hand grabbed my wrist and flopped me on the soft bed. "I'm going to turn the hall light on so I can see your face when I change you forever." "Yeah. Keep saying stuff like that...." "I'm a talker during sex. Get ready. Try to relax. I've got some cream that will numb your ass a little." "No. No drugs. I want to remember this...every sensation." "Typical virgin. You have no idea what you're in for. OK, but I use this as lube...so you'll get some effect from it. Trust me -- you'll be thankful for it." "Just keep talking...and I'll be fine." He pressed his massive body down on top of me, and put my ankles over his shoulders. I remembered his need and his virus. The tip of dick teased my ass hole. "I'm about to give you the best sex in your life....relax. I seldom start slow, but you're special. Here's just the head." I felt like a knife was slicing me open. Holy Hell! "No! Let's stop for now. Please!" "I'm going in until my balls touch your ass. Hold your breath. " He plunged in so fast that my breathing stopped. I yelled loudly. "The worst is over now. I've ripped you apart inside and my cum will directly into you bloody ass. Enjoy it as much as you can....try." I did. I'd gone to him willingly. The idea of him getting me pregnant was almost enough to help me fight this pain. His heavy balls slapped my bare butt...over and over. He held still for a second and grabbed my chin in his hand. "Yeah...you're loosening up for me, babe. You like it now?" My whole being was melting rapidly. "answer me!" "I love it. Seed me. Give me AIDS!" He grabbed my face with more force and started pumping with more intensity. "Not giving you AIDS, baby. Just the starter kit. Look at me! Look into my eyes!" His gaze was so intense as he made one final push. It had happened. His built-up sperm load was now a part of me now. Larry was breathing heavy and sweating. "We did it!!!" "Thank you. What time is it?" "Not even 10 yet. Why?" I needed time alone. I needed to be in my own bed and just not be here now. "You are great, Larry. I enjoyed tonight, but I should go. I have so much to do tomorrow." "That disappoints me, Jonah. I was hoping you'd stay the whole weekend. But okay. Let's go into the living room and you can put your clothes on. Can you walk?" I thought I probably could. The core of my being was shredded, but I'd survived. I felt weakened, and I knew there was blood and cum dripping down my legs. No problem...I'd just take a long, hot bath when I got home. Isn't it funny how a sex fantasy comes true and all you want is to be done with it? I'd call Larry tomorrow. I wanted to see him again. "Give me a second. I think I bled on your sheets." "I already knew that. Come out here...I need your help with something." Huh? I was no help to anyone right now. I walked into the front room and saw the naked big man standing over my discarded shoes and clothes. "I have a back spasm. Can you go to the kitchen and get me a glass of wine? That seems to help most times." "Sorry. I'll get it." I went to the kitchen and filled a glass with wine. Then I heard a sound that sounded like a wet slap. I walked in to see Larry pissing all over my clothes. WHAT?? What the hell?!!! "Oops. Your clothes are stinking and wet now. I'll try to laundry tomorrow. Guess you have to spend the night." His big limp dick let a few more drops fall as I stared in disbelief. I grinned at Larry and shrugged my shoulders. We did so much that weekend...things I'd only heard of. I was completed by this man. The man who gifted me.
  8. Who doesn't love Halloween?? I know religious fanatics hate the holiday, but that just makes me like it even more. No stupid songs or grade school pageants. Just FUN! Candy and scary movies make a great combination. 1992 I was in college and lived in a pretty crummy neighborhood. My best friend back then was Nancy. It had occurred to me that she liked me as more than a friend. In all our long talks. I'd never mentioned the fact that I was gay. Deep, deep in the closet with no desire to 'come out'. Nancy and I were both design students and had our mid-term projects completed. It was Halloween, Friday and her 21st birthday. She'd bought her first legal bottle of booze. It was that nasty 151 proof rum that had a "flammable" warning on the label. Mixed with enough Coke, it was bearable. It was a nice night and the leaves had barely started to fall. We sat on her porch and got blitzed. Say what you want about the student slums, but this was where all the party people lived. Lots of bars and great stereo systems. We watched the parade of costumed bar-goers go down to "The Hawk". Nancy kept snuggling up to me, closer. I just played dumb because I couldn't bear to tell her the truth. "You know what I don't see? Men dressed as women. In fourth grade, I dressed up as a lady -- with a wig and everything." "Oh." she said "Guys who do that at this age are probably camping now." Huh? I knew what she meant. That was our school's code for gays who 'cruised' the war memorial in the middle of campus. What did they do? How do you cruise? What does that involve? That monument was right over the hill from our street. I asked a few vague,random questions about camping. "Fags just go there and do stuff with each other. It's so stupid. It's like they are trying to get AIDS or something. My friend Andy-- from Visual Identity -- goes there all the time...he likes it best when it's raining because I guess only the really horny dudes go there during bad weather. He's probably got the disease. No idea." She got up and went to refill her glass. Did Nancy think I was stupid, not attracted to her...or gay. I watched the drunks go up and down the street. Her phone rang. A bunch of relatives called to wish her a happy birthday. Her words were slurred. Pretty bad. I just sat there with my thoughts. I hated this toxic rum, but wanted to finish my cup. I knew I'd throw up at some point. Silence from inside. I hoped like hell she didn't think she wasn't attractive. I should just go in and fess up. But she was passed out on the sofa with a dead phone in her hand. She'd spilled her drink on the carpet. Poor Nancy. Why was I such a bad friend? I SUCK! Tomorrow, I'd tell her tomorrow. It was after midnight, but there was a lot of partying still going on. I only lived one block away from Nancy, but didn't really want to go home and be sick. I'd walk off the lethal rum a little. I knew where I was going even if I didn't 'know' it. I wanted to camp. It was a nice night, but heavy clouds covered the moon. As I walked up the hill, I met up with some stumbling guy dressed as the grim reaper. He muttered something that I didn't quite catch. I should have worn some type of costume so that I didn't stand out so much. Too late now, I guess. Was that thunder? I wondered if we'd get rain. Once over the hill, I saw the bright monument. It looked like a giant erect penis. I got it now. The floodlights made it look pretty much an altar to dick. OK. I got closer and decided I couldn't do this now. But I wanted to get close, take another step. I saw about a dozen guys just hanging out. Most of them were sitting on or leaning on a low rock wall around the statue. What was I doing here? I needed to go home and go to bed. Vomit, take some TUMS and lie down. But then a loud clap of thunder slammed the air. The group made noise and I heard a couple of car doors slam. A storm was moving in...which was kind of perfect for Halloween. The first wave of rain drops fell. All the guys left, headlights on and wipers going. I just couldn't walk back home in this. Shit. I normally don't mind rain so much, but it made me shiver a little now. The wind had changed. Oh Hell, I'd just find somewhere dry to wait out the storm. The library was open all night, but I needed somewhere closer. Right down the hill was a garage or shed of some kind. My guess that it was where they kept mowers and grass seed -- stuff like that. It had a narrow awning that I stood under. The orange glow of the security light was strangely beautiful as the rain got heavier. More lightning. Just then, a figure rushed at me through the heavy drops. Panic. He ran with so much energy that I thought he was going to tackle me. But no, he just wanted to get out of the storm. He was a lean guy, not much taller than me. He had on blue jeans and a t-shirt with our school's mascot, but he was no student. He was an older guy (late 30's) and just seemed like a local dude. "The storm wasn't supposed to start until tomorrow. I always keep an eye on the weather because I do landscaping around here...I'm James. What's your name?" "Scott" (a lie) "Nice to meet you, Scott. What the Hell are doing out here?" "Oh... oh I live close to here. I just got caught in the rain as I was walking back from a party." "Frat party? You look like a frat boy. " "No, James. I live a few streets away, What are you doing out tonight?" "It's Halloween, kid. I'm a goddamn vampire. Can't you tell?" I finally let myself myself look him up and down. He was really skinny and pale. Sort of sickly. I guess. Dark brown hair, wet. He might actually be a vampire I suppose. Damn rum. I waited to see his fangs pop out. "And vampires can't get wet?" He chuckled. "I'm just fuckin' with you, Scotty. I came to make sure this door was locked." He gestured to the shed's door -- which was indeed unlocked. "Why? What's in there?" "I'll show you. There's no light, but I can leave the door open a little to let some light in from the lamp post." I knew what he was doing and what I was doing, but I sensed that one aspect of "camping" was pretending you weren't about to what you wanted to do. Once inside, I got a little scared...was I actually doing this? He stood in the doorway and blocked most of the light. Still, I could see giant 50 lb. bags of what I assumed was some kind of fertilizer or seed. "At least it's dry in here," I said lamely. "Yeah. Here...take a look at this." He unzipped his fly and hauled out his hard dick. It was long and skinny, but the head flared out in an unreal way. It reminded of the devil's tail...or a T-square. I never imagined a penis could form like that. I couldn't say a word. "Sit down on those bags of weed-killer. Now." "Uh..." I was still trying to think when he made a few fast strides and put his dick up to my lips. "Yeah. Take as much as you can. From now on, you'll do what you're told." It was so dark in here. I held his rain-soaked jeans as he pushed that wicked head deeper into my mouth. I felt like I didn't have enough spit for this. I just kept trying. The taste and smell were a little funky. He hadn't showered today, but the smell of rain was helpful. Lightning releases ozone from the air...it's a beautiful odor. "Fuck yeah! The better job you do, the better off you'll be." Was he going to cum? Ejaculate? I had this brief thought of choking to death on this bizarre man organ. His flared head went deeper into my throat...couldn't breathe. At least he pulled back a little to give me air. And then plunged back in, hard and fast and then faster. Is sensed he was about to cum, but he stopped. "Take your pants down, Scotty Boy. I'd do it for you, but my forearms are a little weak right now. Do it now." OK. There was no going back now. I did as instructed and felt the colder air chill my ass a little. I was fully erect...which was confusing because I felt pure fear. Cats sometimes purr when they are really stressed...it's a comfort to them. James closed the door and locked it. Total blackness. I felt him position himself behind me. The weird tip of his penis parted my cheeks. "It'll be easier if you don't fight or tense up....God, your lucky." Lucky? How? "I got sperm in my balls that has a bite to it. It'll stay in you forever." I didn't and also did know what he was talking about. He was going to give me AIDS. He had it and wanted to spread it. No going back. He wanted to do the butt sex thing here in the dark. "Ow!!! No!!! Not now!" "Shh. You want this is bad as I do. Relax." I yelled, but the sound would never go through the walls. I'd put myself in this situation. He pushed that tip past my ass hole, GODDAMN! NO WAY! I was about to die. He just kept going in, deeper. Deeper. That inflamed dick head was now way inside me, ripping my insides, tearing everything. My screams echoed in the small metal space. I felt like I was going to die right then and there. Mistake! I had the morbid thought that I least I wouldn't have go through finals. He was relentless with his pumping and had no desire to let up until he came. I was just a portal for him to deliver seed in. It got a little easier to take after a few minutes. My insides had given up the tension. I stopped fighting it and let him do his thing. I didn't think -- which is unusual for me. I was just a fuck hole for this man. For his pleasure. "Guess what? I came already, but you're getting a double dose for being such a good boy. I swear, I never even lost my hard-on." By now I was starting to like it more. My own dick was about to come. And then it did. Shit! I must have lost a whole pint of semen all over the concrete floor. I moaned as a sense of pure enjoyment over took me. He was good at this. Did I just get a boyfriend? No. I didn't. As soon as he finished emptying a second load into me, James pulled his jeans back up and was quiet. He unlocked the door and opened it. The rain seemed to have stopped. "I always have a cigarette after fucking. I'll be right outside...get up when you're able, and join me." "Yeah. Thanks." 'Thanks'?? Did I really just thank a guy who caused me so much pain? My ass was sore as hell. Did HIV semen hurt more than the regular kind? I lifted my jeans back over my hips and zipped up. OK. My legs worked just fine, and I went to join him. "Damn, Scott! I'm gonna sleep good tonight, but I bet you won't. Want a cigarette?" I didn't smoke, but it seemed like a good thing to do just now. "I'm glad the storm is over." "Yeah, but it'll be muddy in the morning when I go to work. How you feelin'? " "Great." "Cool. Want to do it again? I always come here when it rains at night. Check the forecast, Scotty." It rained a lot the next two months.
  9. Still awake?

    1. MTWTFSS


      needed some sleep  -- was a cloudy day

  10. I hope everyone reading this is doing well...in all ways. Physically, mentally. I also hope you never think about killing yourself. Once you consider suicide as an option, that idea never goes away -- it stays there in your brain always, festering and waiting to claim you. 2002 It had been a very year for me. I'd lost both parents in the span of six months. I was an orphan at the age of 30. My older sister and I were not close. I hated my job so, so much. I worked for a software company and always felt inept at it. I didn't like the 'dudes' in my department. They talked sports and tits and cars, while I had nothing to add to any of those topics of conversation. I just existed. Before I get too far into this pity party, I'll tell you that I did indeed try to get help. My employer offered three free sessions with a mental health professional of my choice. I gave it a shot. The first doc immediately put me on Zoloft after only talking to me for twenty minutes. I started taking it right away because she'd said that it works quickly for the people who need it the most. I had crazy nightmares, but never felt any happier. I went to a therapist who worked out of her beautiful house that always smelled like incense. She was a stylish hippy who had candles and crystals all over the place. You know the type. She listened to me talk about my unhappiness for 50 minutes while she took notes. She interrupted me a few times to ask questions...and also remind me to breathe. Breath was a big deal for her. It was her assessment that I was in too big a hurry to be born. ?? I guess she meant that my soul had cut in line to make it to this "earthly plane". Dear God. Seriously? During the next session, I told her I had nothing else to talk about and just wanted to die. "Suicide? Are you talking about suicide? If you kill yourself now, you'll have so much work left to do at the next level." Ugh. Whatever. I was so done with this shit. My little foray into therapy was over. My best friend in the world was my big, black cat "Knuckles". He was tough-looking, but very affectionate. I'd miss him. An old neighbor lady was also sort of my friend. Delia. She was our block's eye and ears and knew everything that went on. Knuckles loved her because she always smelled like cooking when she'd come over with brownies or fresh bread. I'd give my cat to her...yes. She had two cats already and Knuckles would be the boss. That's pretty much all I had to take care of before dying. I'd read enough about suicide to know that the way you slit your wrists was to drag a knife lengthwise in a bathtub full of warm water. The only part of that that concerned me was the condition my body would be found in. I'd be discovered in a pool of cold corpse soup. Gross. I sure didn't want that picture in my head. No. I'd just do it my own bed. I didn't cut deep enough. I just stained my sheets and mattress with blood...and got some wicked scars to show for my efforts. Another failure to add to my long list. I missed Knuckles, but Delia assured me he was loving it over at her place. "He is the man of the house! Why are such dark circles under your eyes?? Better go get a flu shot. Winter is coming...and it's supposed to be a bad one this year." She kept bringing over food because she said I was too skinny. And then the holiday season was upon us. Fucking hell. The last incentive I had to stick around was gone. This ghastly season of mirth was something I just couldn't bare. Delia was right...the Winter moved in early and harsh. It got below freezing almost every night. I'd read that about a dozen homeless people in my city died of "exposure" . Hypothermia. Would that be such a bad way to die? I'd been cold before. Really cold. That's it! I'd just go outside and freeze to death. No stains or scars from that, right? It was a decision. The news said we were in for record-breaking temperatures along with snow. I remember my dad saying "it's just too cold to snow." I guess that was another one of those Farmer's Almanac myths that wasn't true. I'd taken a week of vacation and gave Delia a bottle of wine as an early Christmas present. And then I felt the excitement of adventure. I decided not to make a ceremony of the evening. I'd just do normal stuff and then walk out into the cold. I couldn't handle TV right now. The holiday commercials just made me angry. I watched "A League of Their Own" on DVD. And I drank booze. People think that imbibing alcohol warms you up, but it's a trick. You might feel warm, but you're actually more vulnerable to cold temps. There wasn't much traffic on my street. It was already at ten below zero outside. I'd already planned on what I what I'd wear. Jeans (with my I.D. in my back pocket), a loose shirt and ball cap. I took a coat because somebody might see me walking around under-dressed and call the cops or something. This was a weird neighborhood...mostly retired people like Delia. I don't even know how late it was, but almost none of the houses had lights on. A few places had Christmas lights up. Damn...it was supernaturally cold and there were already a few inches of fresh snow on the ground. When did that happen? Tonight? You know when people say 'chilled to the bone'? I knew what they meant now. My bones were cold, and it didn't help that I had almost no body fat. A few blocks away was a little cemetery surrounded by an iron fence. It was old and there was no more room for new tenants. I walked among the stones and thought about watches. My dad was buried with his beloved pocket watch...was it still ticking? I wondered if any watches beneath my steps were still keeping time. Probably none. I was feeling so tired. I needed to stop and rest. This was it. My final stop. The snow made a nice pillow, and I remembered to remove my cap. You really do lose a lot of heat from your head because the brain stakes all the claim to your personal temps. And then your major organs stake their claim, leaving your extremities bloodless and frostbitten. Oh whatever. The snow clouds had obviously passed because the stars were bright and doing their twinkling thing. I'd read that you start feeling very warm when you're about to freeze to death. It was time. I unzipped my coat and waited. It was hard to see the stars...maybe my eyeballs were icing over. OK. Probably too late to back out now. I might have slept a little after the promised heat embraced me. Good-bye. "Hey! HEY!" Somebody with a deep voice was interrupting this. They'd go away if I kept my eyes closed. "Not now, Knuckles." "What? You're going to die out here! Get up." I was listening to all the ticking watches underground. "Okay. I'll just carry you. Damn, you weigh almost nothing." Knuckles had become a human and had come to take me out of the cold. He was warm and I stroked his fur with my numb hands. I'd missed him so much. And then were out of the cold. Somewhere new. Was this where Knuckles lived now? It'd be nice to sleep next to my cat again. I woke up a little and felt burning on my face, ears and fingertips. A large bearded man with black hair was holding me underneath a smelly blanket. His body gave off all the heat my body and craved. I didn't know who he was, but he his snores were almost musical. Where was I? It was a concrete basement with a few fluorescent ceiling lights. There was a large standing freezer with some plastic bottles of water on top. I was thirsty and moved to get up. "Where you going?" He'd woken up so fast. "I needed a drink of water. Where am I?" "Those bottles are full of melted snow. Help yourself." I did. "We're in the basement of 'China Don's'...on 75th street. A buddy of mine will wash dishes here when it opens in a few weeks. There's no heat, but it's not so bad. Out of the weather at least. Where did you think you were?" "Purgatory." "Sit back down and explain yourself." He was a mountain of a man. I hesitated to approach him for a second. I sensed he was good, but maybe my brain was still frozen. I knelt down on the pile of blankets and tried to think of what to say. "My name is Terry...I was out for a walk." "On the coldest night of the year? Are you mental? Be straight with me, Terry." "It's embarrassing. I guess...well, I was ready to die. I guess." He thought for a few seconds and then shook his head. "I not only saved your life -- I saved from an eternity in Hell." "I don't believe in hell." "It's there whether you believe it or not. Judging from your clothes and hair, you haven't been homeless very long. Right?" "I'm not homeless." "What?! You have a place to live? With heat and running water and a bed???" I felt like a complete moron. "Yeah. I've got a house about ten blocks from here." "What happened? Why? Never mind. Let's go there now. Please?" Well, I owed him. I wasn't too sure I could walk very well. I'd really done a number on my body with this 'attempt'. We climbed out of the restaurant's upstairs windows and it was still so cold. "How long have you been out on the street? Also -- what's your name?" "I go by 'West'. I've been homeless since May. It all started when my wife accused me of raping her. Can you believe that shit? How can you rape the woman you're married to? We were both naked and in bed. She threw me out, called the cops and everything." "Wow. I'm sorry, West. Did you have any kids?" "Nah. She never trusted me because I kept cheating on her...with hookers. It was an addiction. I liked to do all kinds of stuff she would never do for me. I am wild in bed, and fuck hard. Hookers don't care what you do as long as you pay for it." "Wow." That's all I could say. "That ain't even the worst of it. Once I ran out of money, I was always finding places in the shadows to jack off, and that's when some gay wandered over and offered to suck my dick! He took my cum..and hookers never did that. He even gave me fifty bucks afterwards. That's when I started fucking guys exclusively -- they never cared how violently I gave them my big dick. I would tear them apart and they'd still want more. Ever been with a fag, Terry?" "No. I am a fag too." The censor in my brain must have frozen to death. I'd never admitted my secret to anyone. "That why you wanted to kill yourself? I'm sorry for saying 'fag' That was rude." "It's okay, West. I try to hide it as much I can." "I'm sorry again. I met one rich old gay man who paid me really well for fucking him. He sucked me all the time too. I sometimes slept at his fancy condo and he'd give me money, food and cigars. But he wanted to fuck my asshole, which I could never even imagine. It wasn't so bad and he paid me well each time..I miss those cigars, but I still have the last one he gave me." "The last?" "Yeah. He was always coughing and sick. He just vanished one day." "Think he had AIDS?" "Who knows? Is your house close?" "Yes. This is my street." Delia's lights were all out. At least she wouldn't see me bring home some giant man in the middle of the night. "I left it unlocked...which is good because I don't think my hands can find my keys now." We blustered in and let the warmth cover us. West looked around. "Show me around." He peeled off his coat and at everything like he was videotaping it with his brain. I turned on a few lamps. "Wow! It's like Bermuda in here, Terry!" I's forgotten that I turned heat way up before I left. I figured I'd never pay another bill, and my next of kin would owe the power company. My sister and her rich husband would have to take care of it. "I can turn it down." "No. Not yet. Your TV is huge! I miss watching hockey. I used to play it when I was a kid. I had to quit when I couldn't find skates in my size." I showed around my little house. My kitchen was tiny. Delia always called it my 'one butt kitchen' because it wasn't big enough for two people to cook. The messiest room was my 'office' where I kept my computer and drawing table. There were a lot of empty cardboard boxes too. Both of my parents had gone through the depression and hated throwing things away... I guess it was genetic. I almost explained all this to West, but I was unbelievably tired all the sudden. West was very close to me as I gave the tour. I could smell his strong body odor. "This is the spare bedroom." It just had a twin bed and a floor lamp. "Show me where you sleep, Terry." My bedroom was pretty plush. I'd spent a fortune on the mattress and bedding because I had always had trouble sleeping. It was a queen-sized bed that Knuckles and I had shared for several years. God, I missed that cat. "Only room left is the bathroom." "Yes. I need to use that now...if you don't mind." I showed him the room and West immediately pulled out his fat dick and started pissing in the toilet. "Ah. That's better. Can I take a shower too?" "Absolutely. I'll get you a fresh towel." "I need some other stuff too. Any chance you could give me a toothbrush, a razor, nail clippers and some deodorant?" Yeah. I had all that stuff in the hall closet. "Want me to wash your clothes?" "Well....not when I am in the shower, Why don't you rest now...I need a good long, hot shower. Go lie down. We're going to have a party to celebrate you still being alive." He said all that as he removed his grimy clothes. He was naked and probably noticed that my eyes were all over him. His dick was very big, but looked average-sized on his huge, hairy body. "The toothbrush is new and the towel is clean. Go ahead." I picked up his clothes and shoes and went to put them on top of the washing machine. His boots were very worn and comically big. I found that I didn't mind the smell all that much. The warmth of the house had activated the odor. I really needed to lie down now. I'd made my bed this morning -- habit. It was so warm that I just napped on top of the covers, listening to the shower running. Waterfalls. I slept deeper than I thought I would, and emerged from the dreams a little when I heard the shower shut off. I was finally awake enough to listen as he brushed his teeth. For a long time. I took way too much for granted. As I was getting up off the bed, West walked into my room. "Hey! Did you get a little siesta? Damn! You have great water power here. I'm guessing you don't have any clothes that would fit me. I don't mind being naked if it doesn't bother you." "It doesn't bother me." I might have said that too fast. "I think I have a robe my mom gave me that's too big for me. Hold on." It was huge, but West could barely get it over his shoulders. "Sorry." "No problem. Let's get the party started! Wake up! Come be a host, Terry. We're celebrating your life now." OK. Yeah. Sure. I was strangely glad to still be alive. "Want music or TV?" "Both! Got any booze?" I had more wine, but just one and a half bottles. He was probably hungry too. All I had was microwave popcorn. I put it in and went to turn on the TV. I plugged my ipod into the stereo and then I was out of chores. I brought him a glass of wine and settled next to him. "Want a different channel? Different music?" "No. Are these your top songs in order? Your favorites?" "No. It's on 'random' now.'' "The songs are happy...but you aren't a happy man. I don't get it." He'd put his huge bare feet up on the coffee table and had his hands on his crotch. He might have an itch...or was working his dick into a hard-on. He was making himself right at home. "I can wash your clothes now." "Not in the middle of a party! I can wash them myself tomorrow. Do you work?" "Yeah, but I'm on vacation for the next five days." "Vacation? Like a paid vacation? You have a job that gives you paid vacations?" Um. I guess I did. "I hate my work. Hated it from the first day." "But they pay you enough to afford this nice house and awesome TV...not to mention heat and running water." I had to admit that he was right. "Want another glass of wine, West?" "Wine, yes. Glass, no....just bring the bottle. I still can't get over how good the warmth feels!" He was stroking a huge boner. I went to get the other bottle with a homeless man's big dick in my brain. I was never good at working a corkscrew. Shit. I managed to get the cork out somehow. By the time I came back to the living room, he was beating off vigorously. "Need a minute? I can leave you alone to finish." He stopped and let his hard dick rest against his stomach. "Sorry. I just feel so horny right now. I haven't been fully nude in a long time." We passed the bottle back and forth. My own sips were small, but his were lusty and long. His erection didn't diminish. "Want me to see if I can find a hockey game? I've got, like, three or four sports channels." "Nah. It's almost four in the morning. There won't be anything on...just football talk shows. Why don't you move closer to me? Is this scaring you?" He grabbed his cock and looked directly into my eyes. I got up and sat right next to him. "No. It's beautiful." Did I really say that? He ran his thick fingers through my hair. "Beautiful? Really? Think you could suck on it?" I could. Absolutely. I was going to hesitate, but his hand was on the back of my head, moving my face to his lap. I went with it, operating on pure instinct. West was cut, but there was a nice amount of skin at the base of his wide head that I was now tasting. Soap. He had the flavor of soap. I was amazed at how much I liked having a dick in my mouth. My own penis was fully hard in an instant. His hand kept pressing me downward, forcing me to put more of it in my mouth. He'd hit some spot in my throat that made me gag. "Sorry. It feels so good, Terry. Don't stop." I could handle about half of it, and just did what I could. He'd put his feet on the floor and was using his hip muscles to thrust upwards. He tried not to hit my gag spot, but couldn't help but try to go deeper down my throat. I felt the wine in my stomach want to come back up. I fought it and took as much of him as I could. "Oh. Yeah. I'm almost there. Swallow it please! Will you?" Oh, I would. "YEAH...Here you go!!!" I felt the organ throb violently between my lips. Thick, squirting semen spread over the taste buds on my tongue. I'd remember it for the rest of my life. Man Seed. "Wow. I don't remember a better blow job." He removed his dick from my mouth and wiped the slime and last drops in my hair. "Holy shit. Drink more wine, Terry. I don't want to taste own dick in your mouth when we kiss. Yes...we're going to kiss." Kiss? Really? Kiss a man? I picked up the wine bottle and reluctantly washed his cum away. "This is such a comfortable couch." "Want to sleep here? I can get you a blanket and some pillows." "No. We're going to sleep in your big bed after we finish the wine. What it is this song? It's SO you!" It was called 'All I Am' by a forgotten band -- Dada. I nodded and glugged more wine. Would he want to do more in bed? Was I ready? He said he he was 'wild' when it came to sex. He'd raped his wife. He might have AIDS. "Let me turn off everything first." "Not the music. It's so perfect." Naked West stood up and went to my room while I shut off the TV. I took my time as I thought about some stuff. He wanted to kiss. And fuck? Like, in my butt? I had nothing left to do but go lay down in bed. He was naked on top of the bedspread. "You can maybe turn your heat down a little. And then I need a favor." I turned down the heat to 70 -- which is what I usually kept it on. OK. Deep breath. "It'll cool down more. This is a drafty house." "Fine. I actually need you to do two things. First -- take off all of your clothes. I want to see you." I did. My fingertips were still a little sore. We were now two nude males in a bedroom. "And -- I know this a lot to ask, but can you go get the clippers from your bathroom sink and trim my toenails? It's hard for guys my size to bend that way. You don't have to." "I'll do it, West." I had a toenail clipper in my dresser drawer. It's a weird chore humans have to do every so often. I knelt at the foot of the bed and went to work. His feet had hard, yellowish callouses, but weren't in such bad shape. I did as requested, my job. I clipped his toe claws as he drifted off to sleep. He needed care. I needed to care of him. I finished up and watched him sleep with my his toenail clippings in the palm of my left hand. Those snores I'd heard earlier resumed. How long ago was that? Well, I guess the kiss was delayed for now, ass well as the sex -- if he'd even wanted any. I carefully got into bed beside him, pulled up the covers and closed my eyes even though I'd left the light on. At one point, I woke up with his big, furry arm wrapped around me. His famous boner was poking me in the thigh. Still snoring. I was also aware the light of dawn was beginning to make it's pale blue presence known behind the blinds. I also a tiny tuft of my cat's hair drift though the air. God, that animals shed a lot. A hundred years from now, there'd still be traces of him in this house. I thought of Knuckles as I went back to sleep. "Good morning!!...well, technically it's still morning." It took me a minute to become fully awake and remember the situation. "Sorry I went to sleep on you so early, but this mattress is so comfortable. I'm going to kiss you now." "Yeah. Can I go brush my teeth first?" He climbed on top of me and our faces were so close. "No. I'm taking over now. You owe me." I guess he was right. His beard was soft, but a somehow little abrasive as he devoured my whole face. I'd never been kissed before, but this was an advanced lesson. West aggressively pushed his tongue into my mouth and I felt his spit mix with mine. I knew I should enjoy this, but I'd never really learned to give in to another person. I'd always been fiercely independent. But now a big man was in charge of me. The weight of West's giant frame left me powerless...I was in for a ride. I wrapped my arms around his broad back to let him know I was liking this. He responded by raising himself up a little and poking his hard penis between my ass cheeks. OK. I could do this maybe. "There's a few ways we can do this, but I want to see your face as I impregnate you." This man had raped his wife...and probably had the AIDS virus. I just didn't care about that now. The good thing about being a virgin is that you can let a more experienced partner take the lead. He did. Oh, did he ever! His dick was trying to pry my hole open. "Ow! No! Get it out!" "Shh. It'll hurt at first. This will take a little time because you're so tight and I came a lot last night. I'm going to enter you fully and I don't think I can go slow. Take a deep breath." He rammed his whole tool directly up into my insides. "NO!!!" I'd fallen out of a tree as a little kid and broke my arm. The pain I felt now was so much worse than that. I thought I saw flashes of light in my brain. "Goddamn. buddy! This is great! Ahhh...I am loving this!" I guess there was no point in screaming anymore, and my muscle tension was probably making this worse for me. How do you relax when it feels like someone is stabbing you in the ass?! Endurance. I tried to love the idea of what this would like as a porn movie...this big guy's ample ass moving up and down on top of a smaller man. I'd watch it. "Yeah... You are so big, West." He seemed surprised that I was saying that and also that I had grabbed his butt. "Good. Keep touching my ass. Just like that. OH! I'm going to make a baby with you! I..." He was crazed with lust and pleasure. His thrusts got more intense. Faster. "HOLY SHIT! I'M CUMMING NOW...NOW!!!" All I felt was a tearing pain, but I imagined his semen shooting inside my body. Maybe it had a disease in it.... He stopped moving. I was guessing it was over with, but his dick stayed hard. He started to piston in and out again. "Just working it in deeper, Terry. You like that?" I did. I kinda didn't want this to end. I would be someone new as soon as I got out of bed. Does that make sense? But he was done and got out of bed. "Stay still a while. I tore you up down there and you're bleeding like crazy. Rest. I'm going to clean up and make some coffee for us." He left the room as I wondered if I was really hurt that badly. He stepped in the shower for a few minutes. I listened to the water and also to my thoughts. I might have snoozed a little. "How are we doing in here, little friend? Who is 'Knuckles' by the way? You kept saying that in your sleep. Here's your coffee. Need help getting up?" No. Or wait. I felt like I'd been a car accident. "Yeah..just for a second." He grabbed my hand and steadied me on the floor. "Go clean up a little. I'll clean this mess up." I stepped in the shower and washed the blood off of my legs, ass and crotch. Damn, I was sore. I could be normal. Gay guys did this all the time, right? I put on some sweats as West came to check on me. "You feelin' okay? Come out here. I couldn't figure out the remote." I limped out to the front room. Damn, my ass hurt! Wow. I suppose I was ruined now. West was still nude and getting comfortable on the couch as I found an old movie channel. "Hungry? I have some of those Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwiches I can nuke for us." "Sounds great...we can't exactly go out to eat. I have no clothes." I made his breakfast and watched him eat all eight sandwiches. I had no appetite just now. "Let me go wash your stuff now. Want me to put your shoes outside a little while?" "Nah. It's too cold out there. Spray some air freshener in them maybe. Or deodorant." I put his grimy clothes in the washer and wondered if they'd disintegrate once hot, soapy water hit them. Once the cycle started, I joined West in living room as a new thought was entering my brain. "Hey. Can I ask you something?" "Sure. What?" "It'll sound weird...but do you think we're dead?" "WHAT? Why would you ask that??" "I just feel so different now. What are the odds of us finding each other at night and surviving bitter cold? I don't even have frostbite. Nobody knows what happens when you die." He thought for a second. "If this is what death is like, I'm not complaining. Are you?" His clothes were finished and ready for the dryer. And then a shadow passed in front of my kitchen window. Mailman. I put on my coat on to go retrieve the bills and junk catalogs, ads. It was so insanely cold out. I stopped midway across the front porch. Right in the corner was a little, shivering kitten. He was so small, but had a thick coat of long black fur. I forgot the mail and scooped up the kitty. How was he still alive? I rushed him inside to get warm. "Look!" West was incredulous. "A baby cat? This time of year?" The warm house seemed to revive the little creature and he started mewing. He also purred a little. He looked just like Knuckles when he was a kitten. But Knuckles was fixed so this couldn't be his son. "He's home now." "We all are, Terry."
  11. part one is here: 1988 I didn't want to get out of bed on Sunday morning...mainly because I was a little hungover, but also because I didn't want to look at myself in the bathroom mirror. Jessie had said I looked like a horror movie, and it couldn't have improved much overnight. I made myself step out in the hallway and go to take a shower. So little to look forward to in my reflection and so much to dread. I guess it wasn't SO bad. Most of the dried blood must have worn of on my pillow. The cut was very thin and looked clean. I'd probably have a gnarly scar eventually. I also looked into my own eyes -- into a grown man's eyes. I was no longer a virgin, but I looked pretty much the same except for the cut and the bloodshot eyes. I showered for a long time. I knew there were things from my adventure that I couldn't wash away. When I touched the bar of soap to my asshole, it hurt a little. As i dried off and got dressed, I thought about Shane and Dawn. Did I indirectly cause another teen pregnancy last night? Maybe I could ask Dawn if I could be the kid's godfather. And then I thought about the new kind of living thing I might have inside of me...I'd directly caused that. I asked for it even. Jessie. Jessie's kiss. His lips. His eyes. I could find no regret anywhere inside of me. I sensed the house was empty. It was quiet for a Sunday at 11 AM. As much as I wanted to just go back to bed, I was hungry and wanted cereal. As I walked down the stairs, Dad came home with a bunch of grocery bags. I was strangely happy to see him. He glanced up quickly and greeted me. I tried to think of how I'd explain the cut, but all I'd come up with so far was 'I don't remember'. "Are you just now getting up? Must have been a good party. Come help me." "Where's Mom?" "No idea. She didn't come home last night. I went to the grocery store by myself for the first time in decades. It was fun!" I helped him unload the goods. It was a bunch of frozen, microwavable stuff from Stouffer's and Jimmy Dean. I'd never seen shit like this in our house before. Mom would be horrified...but she was AWOL. After the freezer was full, I looked at the other stuff. Cheetos, pork rinds, Pop Tarts, Rice Krispie Treats....the world must be ending. "Check it out," he said as he pulled a giant bottle of Captain Morgan's rum out of a bag. "Rickman's opens at 10 now. Let's have a little eye-opener" "Dad! I haven't even eaten yet!" He tossed me box of pop tarts which I ate immediately. All six of them. He was busy making us drinks and hadn't seen my cut cheek until he sat down at the table across from me. "What the holy hell happened to your face?!" "I don't remember. I got pretty drunk and probably fell or something." "Looks like it was done with a scalpel. Did you fall on a piece of glass?" "Maybe. So where do you think Mom is?" "It's not infected at least. Son...I think your mother has left us. Doesn't matter much. Just remember that she loves you and always will. You haven't touched your drink." "It's kind of early for this, Dad." "Nerd! Just kidding. I've always been proud I raised a little bookworm. You only have three days of school left and I am quitting my job tomorrow -- this is going to be a week-long party!" Wow. I took a long sip of the rum and coke. Nice. The taste reminded me of chocolate. "So I can skip school tomorrow? I've never done that." "It's the right time. You already got accepted to college and have nothing to go back for. Same here. I'm looking for an eye clinic to work for in St. Louis. Hell, I might even start my own." "So are you guys getting divorced?" "I can only tell you that I am. I can't stay here. I have to move which breaks my heart because I always wanted to have a home here you could back to." He made another round of cocktails. "I have to go back to school at least once....to return my books." "Yeah, yeah. You're good about stuff like that." "Did you and Mom ever love each other?" He belched and paused. "Yes. We did. I was so happy the day we got married...and the day you were born. But...I don't know. Why do you ask?" "Because I think I've fallen in love." "I figured as much. This was in the mailbox." He handed me an envelope with nothing on it except 'ERRIN'. No stamp, no address...just my misspelled name. "I didn't open it. What happened last night?" "Well..." I finally just told him I was gay,met a man and we made out. I didn't mention any of the other stuff. I chugged more of the drink. "Yeah. I'm sorry, but we pretty much knew you were a gay from early on. Thank you for confirming it, though. Does this guy you met have anything to do with your wound?" I scrambled for an answer. "No. I don't think so. I was pretty drunk." (part of that was true) "Well, Aaron. We hit a milestone just now. Let's toast!" He made more strong drinks, and it was only noon. I felt a bit of tension melt away from my spine. We sipped them without toasting -- I guess he forgot. I held the envelope and it was burning the palm of my hand. What was inside? What did it say? "We need a radio, Dad. Want me to bring my boom box down here?" "Yeah! Great idea. And read your letter too. You don't have to tell me what it says if you don't want to. I'm gonna microwave us some pizza rolls!" I raced upstairs and tore the letter open. I sensed from the handwriting that it was written quickly. Dear Errin, Hi. How are you today? Is your cut better? Mine is fine. Did you sleep OK? I want to see you again very soon! Can we meet tonight in the park? Just us. The guys won't be there so don't worry about them. We have decided to lay low for now. They are worried that you live so close to where I killed you. ha ha. We can meet where your friends had the party. That area. The keg is still there. They are going to lose the deposit. Can we meet tonight around 1? We don't have to do anything. Just talk, ok? I want to see you. Tonight!!! -- J I read it two more times and touched the ink letters with my fingers. I put it under my pillow and grabbed my boom box. Downstairs in the kitchen, Dad had made us two fresh rum and cokes. I plugged the radio in. "I'm gonna get a stereo for every room. Want to go shopping with me?" "Sure. You want to hear old stuff, right?" He snorted. "Just you wait. All your favorite songs will be 'oldies' one day." Maybe not, I was thinking. I found 95 FM which played all the shit I knew he liked. I liked New Wave and certain pop songs. Madonna was my favorite....God love that tired old bitch -- she just kept going. She was probably in her 40's by now. "That! That song played at my prom." It sounded dull to me. "Fog Hat!" "Did you know Mom then?" "Slow Riiiiide...Take it eeeeasy!....What? No. I was a lot like you in high school. Never dated because I wanted to get into med school. Are you going to date this man now?" "I doubt it." "Well you can invite him here if you want to. I'll be cool." The endless string of old rock songs continued and Dad kept refilling our glasses. "Dad? Can we listen to another station now?" "No. I got a better idea. Go get your top five tapes and play some of your music for me." That would be tricky. Have you ever played a song you loved for somebody and they had no reaction? Music hit their ear differently than it did yours. It was too much pressure and so I just grabbed the first give tapes on top of my pile. Back downstairs, Dad has smoking two cigs at a time. Weird. "Here. I just lit one for you. What you got for us?" I played my all-time favorite: Elvis Costello's 'My Aim is True'. It had enough of an oldies rock feel that hr might dig it. He listened and drank. The only song he seemed to like was "Allison" -- maybe because he'd heard it before. "Well?" "Here. I lit one for you. I changed my mind about the music. We got all Summer for that...I want to talk about your gay thing." "My gay thing??" Was he serious? "I meant...just be patient with me, Son. It's new territory for me." "Sorry. You can ask me anything, but I don't know much." "But you know to be careful, right? Careful of HIV? Of course you know...you're smart. But I'll still worry, OK?" If he only knew. "I know about that part. It's the love part, the courtship part that I don't know anything about." "I only ever dated two girls before meeting your mother. It's different for everybody. Who is this guy you like? What's his name? Is he in your class?" "His name is Jessie and he's a few years older than me. I just kind of ran into him in the park." "What does he do?" Oh God. "He's in sales." "And how does he make you feel? What makes you think it's love?" "I don't know that it is...for sure. I just know I felt a connection, a feeling like I've never had before." "That sounds about right." I almost told him that I was meeting Jessie tonight. He'd most likely be passed out by then. Speaking of....I suddenly needed a nap. "Dad, I need to rest a little now. Will you be okay?" "I was thinking the same thing. Let's get some sleep and then continue the party later." He went to his bedroom and I went to mine. I changed my pillow case and looked at the letter again. I loved his boxy, deliberate handwriting. I touched my lips to the paper. I tried to smell a trace of him, but the whole house stunk of cigarettes. I just put my head on the pillow and immediately found the dreams that were already waiting for me. Jessie. Jessie' face, voice, body. His penis. The light in my window was darker when I finally convinced myself to get up. I showered for the second time today, and maybe took a little too much time getting my hair right. I picked out some casual but nice clothes to put on. I didn't shave because maybe a beard would help hide the scar I'd eventually get. Cologne? Not yet. "AARON!! Wake up!" "I'm right here, Dad." He was in the kitchen, doing something with the oven. Really? "I was trying to make garlic bread, but I burned it. Your mom's fancy oven is too complicated...it's like something from NASA." He was wearing only underwear again. "Need an apron?" "Nah. But look at you -- dressing for dinner. No wait. You're going to meet your boyfriend, right?" "I was going to tell you. But yeah." "Well. I put lasagna in the microwave. It'll be ready in 12 minutes. I think. Let's have a cocktail. Sit." Rum again. "Do you think Mom is ever coming home?" I decided I didn't care if she did. We sipped. "Who knows? She might be shacking up with some guy. I don't give much of a damn. But, you need to be honest with me..." "About what?" Uh oh. "Your cut looks to thin and clean to come from falling. I went to med school, you know? It's from a blade. Tell me some truth, Aaron." "Yes. It came from a knife with a very sharp blade." "Did your boyfriend do it. I'll kill him." "No. No, I did it to myself...to save us from gangsters." "WHAT?" "Things have changed, Dad. Crofton Park is known as the 'The Kill Zone' now. It was dangerous and I did what I had to...to survive." "Holy Fuck, Son." "But I'm fine. Jessie had nothing to do with it." Pretty much a lie. "Don't ever go back there without me. That lasagna smells like shit. Let's eat the other garlic loaf. It's not baked, but it's buttery and tasty still." So that's what we did while the manure entree went untouched. The bread really was pretty good. I wondered which way the wheels in his head were turning. "Bring him. Bring Jessie here to meet me. I'll feel better after you do that." We finished the whole loaf of bread and I felt a little sick. "I will." "Ok. That's settled. I will prepare myself to meet my only son's gay boyfriend. Give me a day or two." "Thanks, Dad." He made us more drinks as I glanced up at the clock. 9:25 PM. So much time. "Let's watch a movie!" That would fill the next two hours. Perfect. And I knew what movie he'd put in. "The Amityville Horror". Dad had grandparents that lived in that area. "Did I ever tell you I saw that house?" Yes. "Really?" "Yeah. The book had just came out. My brother and I drove by it during the day. All those houses sell for millions now. The market there is insane!" I'd heard all this before...many times. I was just busy looking at James Brolin. The ideal man, I swear. "The traffic was a mess. Those poor neighbors." This movie scared the fuck out of me as a kid. "Dad? Do you believe the story?" "No way! Aaron, there are no such things as ghosts." I wasn't so sure. I got a chance to see James in his tighty-whities. So I was done. It was almost 11. "Let's have a drink, Dad. Want to go to the kitchen?" "No. Stay put. We'll have a living room party tonight." He lumbered away and fussed with making drinks. He was trying to turn us both into alcoholics I guess. The clock on the VCR said 11:03 PM. Jessie was thinking of me...I sensed that. I wanted to see him so bad. "Jesus -- look at the time. What time are you meeting your guy?" He handed me a fresh drink. "Soon." "But not in the park, right? Meet him at Denny's or something." "We're meeting at the corner." Lie. "OK. Just remember what I said. Bring him here so I can see him. Got it?" We drank a little and saw the dog rescue George from the muck in the basement. No way. I never believed in that part. "How is that dog strong enough to lift him?" I turned to look at Dad, but his eyes were closed. Poor man. He was going through so much. I would appreciate him more from now on. I would repay his kindness. Somehow. I lifted him lengthwise on the couch and covered him with a thin blanket. I never ever wanted to feel pity for my father. It was 11:25. I wanted to see Jessie so bad. I could just go early. So I did. Dad was snoring as I let myself out. It was quiet as I crossed the street. The night was warm. I was SO early, but I'd kill time somehow. I still had the salutatorian speech to write. It's funny how I once thought about just saying "Fuck all of you!". But now I wanted to say something meaningful. Something.... I wished I'd brought the rum with me. I would stake out a spot close to the entrance and watch for Jessie. I got a sense the park was empty, and I planned on thinking more about my graduation speech. I'd make it short for sure. Nobody liked listening to these speeches...they wanted to go home and celebrate privately. "I wish you all the best." ?? No. That was a little too brief. A hand on my shoulder.... "Looks like we had the same idea." It was Jessie. "I couldn't wait to see you again. I thought I was way early." He looked so sexy in the shadows, with his polo shirt and big, white high-tops. His face seemed somehow different too. He was wearing a nice cologne. "Walk with me. I have a surprise for you. I also brought your brand of cigarettes. Here." He handed me a pack and asked if I'd light one for him. I did. "I also got a new bottle of whiskey. But you have to wait for that. Come." "Thank you for the letter, Jessie." "I was hoping nobody else opened it." "Nope. My dad got it out of the mailbox and just handed it tome. He's not himself right now, and Mom has disappeared." "Is that why you want to leave?" "I guess. Maybe. It doesn't matter anyway. My dad is moving and selling the house. Mom has another life somewhere. There's no home for me in this town....no reason to stay." "You will miss this place if you leave. You need to stay." He wasn't hearing me. In the distance, I saw an green light. It was that weird shade of green that glow-in-the-dark cereal prizes always had. What? "What is that light?" "Camp. Come on." Sure enough...there was a lantern (battery powered?) on the ground next to some blankets and a bottle of booze. "Whoa! You brought all this back here by yourself??" The keg had vanished. "It's not so much. How is your cut?" "Fine." "Let me see." He held the lantern thing up above our heads.In the light, I saw that he was neatly clean shaven. He looked so cute. I like beards, but this look suited him more. "You really made a long cut with that knife." "How is your cut, Jessie?" He let the light down at his side and lifted his shirt. The cut was just a line of scab. I put my hand on his cock and felt it through his jeans. Hard. I wanted to open his fly, but he'd already had the same idea. His dick poked out, less than an inch from my lips. I never wanted anything so bad! I instantly kissed and tongued his beautiful meat. He inhaled noisily and gently pushed the head over my tongue. He'd said in his letter that we would just talk tonight, but I guess he wanted to do more. I know I did. He was so careful and kind. My man. I wanted to taste his cum in my throat, but had no way of vocalizing that request. "Oh! Such a soft mouth! Take your clothes off, Aaron." I stripped down while he did the same. Once again, he took his socks off too. I followed suit. Maybe I'd ask him about that sometime. I didn't come from a barefoot family...we all wore socks or slippers in the house. "Is your butt too sore for me to fuck again?" "No." It maybe was, but I wanted him back inside me. It was very necessary. I lied on the blanket and looked up at the half-moon. He was something out of a tube. Cream? It made slopping, slurpy sounds as he rubbed it on his dick. He put a glob of it on my ass. His expression was unreadable. He had the studied,blank face of someone paying bills or waiting for the oven to pre-heat. He was not interested in making this slow. His greased dick went straight for the target. I had no time to protest because he was inside of me so fast. OW! I wanted to force him off a little, but he was heavy. "You can yell if you want...nobody is around. Or I can put my sock in your mouth again. Choose." I don't have a response. I want to yell...in pain and pleasure. I will yelp if I want to. Give me the sock, please." "Good. Last night, I wore that sock you chewed on and it was wet on my foot. So nice. I'll never wash that one." He stuffed the new sock in my mouth and it tasted like fabric softener. He then proceeded to push that big dick of his inside me...quicker then I was ready for. He closed his eyes. "Oh...there...I'm in. A few more times of doing this and you'll enjoy it more. We'll be like an old married couple." He went so deep that I thought he'd hit the bottom of my stomach somehow. Damn. My legs were splayed open like a dissected frog in biology class. I reached around and pulled him closer. Closer. His weight and his body heat fueled my passion. I wanted him to enjoy this as much as I was starting to. "No...I ....I need to cum now. It's..it's NOW! Shit!" His whole body tensed and was still. He panted and said some Spanish under his breath. "You can leave, but you'll never be rid of me." He lied down on the blanket next to me and sighed happily. I'd had sex two times in two days. Was this real? "Need a minute to rest?" "Just a few seconds, okay? My head is doing spins." "Take your time. That was wonderful, Jessie, but I wish I could see your face in the daytime." "This face?" He was directly over me again, looking into my eyes. A long passionate kiss followed. His hair was so soft. My eyes were closed, but I had this weird sense that his were open. And then he did something I'll always remember. He pushed two big fingers in my mouth, like he was searching for a lost ring or something. It was weird and only slightly erotic. Maybe there was a kinky significance I was missing. And then he stopped, and we sat up. I didn't ask him about the finger thing. "Wow." "Yea wow. I want to make you say that word every day from now on." Wow again. "Here's your sock...I'm gonna put my clothes on." We both dressed in silence. We sat back down on the blanket and just listened to the night as the green glow of the lantern illuminated out shy faces. "Open the bottle, Aaron. I have something else for you..." He reached into the pocket of his jeans and handed me a new pack of cigarettes. Cool. I'd developed a taste for smoke and booze. "Before yesterday, I'd never had a drink or a cigarette." "Really? That's another reason you should stay -- lots of drinking in college." "Maybe in some places, but I'm staying in a dorm where no booze is allowed. I'll have a roommate, and I'm dreading that part." "You should worry. He might be awful." "He might, but you have to understand that my dad is selling the house. I couldn't stay home if I wanted to. There won't be a home to stay in." I studied Jessie's handsome face. He was thinking. "Would you like to go out on a date with me, Aaron?" "A date? Like a date date? Dinner and a movie date?" "Yes. But not a movie. You can't talk in a movie." "No...but you can hold hands." He smiled. "Yes. I didn't think of that. Get up, Mr. Romantic -- I will walk you home." "What about all your stuff?" "I'll get it later. I want you to rest up for our date tomorrow!" Tomorrow? So soon? We started heading back to the park entrance as we shared sips from the bottle of whiskey. "I have to tell you something, Jessie..." "Yes?" "I sorta promised my dad that he could meet you before we continued seeing each other." "Oh. What does he know about me already?" "Just your name...if he even remembers me telling him. He's a party animal this week." "Yes. OK. I will come by around 5 PM. Is that too early?" "No. That's a good time. We'll just stay a minute and then leave." And that's what happened. We all met the next day, and it seemed to go pretty well. Dad was maybe a little taken aback by all of the tattoos on Jessie's arms, but played it cool...even though I could read a hint of distrust in his expression. But dads did that, right? I'd never brought a girl home before -- so maybe he was just too new at this. The date was nice, everything I could have hoped for. We went to see "Rain Man" a few weeks later (and held hands through every second of it). Every chance he had, Jessie told me about how I shouldn't leave. He laid out so many awful scenarios that could happen to me. Not one conversation passed without us going into that. I knew he wanted me to stay, and I knew I wanted to stay. But my future wasn't here. A few sweethearts in my class were already engaged to be married, and I thought that was so stupid of them. Too soon and not smart. The world was out there. Jessie and I had sex almost every night that Summer. We tried a few different things, but always he did that thing with his fingers...reaching them in my mouth. Once, he wanted to see if he could get his whole hand in me and almost dislocated my jaw. He did it with his toes too. We never discussed it, but I think he was somehow trying to climb inside of me. Either that ...or grab something of mine to keep for himself. He sometimes joined Dad and I for our daily parties. One of the last times we did this, Dad seemed to openly resent Jessie's intrusion. "Hey, Aaron. Your grandpa sent you a nice check in the mail. Said it's for luggage and pizza." It was an 800 dollar check! Cool. I didn't even need luggage. Dad seemed pleased that I'd shifted my attention away from Jessie's hand on my knee. "Oh...and I went ahead and changed the terms of your trust fund. You get it now. It's already in your savings account. I'm moving soon, and you need it more now. You can even go get an apartment if the dorm is bad." Wow. Life was taking a sunny turn all the sudden. Jessie was silent. "I don't know what to say, Dad!" "Then don't. Your speech at graduation was so nice. You made me sound like a better father than I ever really was." We toasted all the happy news. I'd miss him so much when I left. Here were two men I loved...and I had to leave them. You could tell Dad had won the night tonight. Jessie was just a witness. "It's been a pleasure, Doug. Aaron and I and have a reservation at 7." We did? I didn't know anything about that. "Yeah...fine. But remember I get these last few says alone with my son. Alone!" Wow. If I still had a mother present, she'd be part of this illogical tug-of-war. "Let's go yo your room. I know the shirt I want you to wear." Jessie was giving me that look of 'go along with it'. "The blue-striped one?" "No. A different one. I'll show you." He pulled me up out of the chair and practically dragged me up the stairs. What the fuck? "Which shirt do you mean?" He closed the door behind us. "Any one you want. I'm sorry, but your dad was trying to own you tonight and doesn't know I already own you. All that money? He tried, but I won." "No, Jessie. He's just going through some stuff. I'm probably his only friend. Don't dislike him, please." "I know. I know. I don't. Get dressed and fix your hair...you know I don't like it when you use gel and slick it back like that. Go get ready and I'll deposit your check at the ATM for you. United Federal, right?" "Uh...yeah. Here's my card. The PIN is my birthday. Six digits. Remember it?...I can write it down." "I KNOW it, Aaron. Go get ready. Leave your hair dry-looking, okay? Hurry. I'll be right back." And he was gone. I should have walked with him. What if Dad was still awake, more drunk, and itching for a fight?? Jessie had a knife on him always. Fuck it. It was almost 6:30. I combed out my dry gel helmet and got dressed. I wore the leather loafers I'd never put on. Our last date. The end. I was so ready. I ventured downstairs to wait for Jessie and check on Dad. He was of course passed out on the couch with CNN blaring. Dan Quayle had said some retarded thing again as Jessie's car pulled into the driveway. He let himself on before I could open the door. "We're already running late, boy. Let's go." We stood on the porch for a second as the sun tried to set. I had this weird idea that it hesitated slightly just to watch what Jessie and I did next. "Boy? I'm a man, Jessie. Where are we going?" "There. Just there. Our last night together should not be wasted looking at menus and unfolding napkins. We're going to the park and have a very serious talk. OK?" "Sure." He held my hand in his big paw as we crossed the street. He was in a mood that made no sense to me. Wasn't this going to be romantic? We got to one of the nearest tables and sat. Serious talk? He let a long breath. "You're not leaving. Get that through your brain. I won't be without you, Aaron. I just...I can't. CanNOT!" "I love you, Jessie. But I have to go. There's no life for me here anymore." "YES! There IS! I am here. I am inside of you. How will explain your HIV to those kids up there?" "We've been through this. I'm leaving on Thursday. I'm ready." "I could kill you now -- you know that, right? I could kidnap you or other things. Don't cross me." Whoa. He sounded unhinged. "I'll come back to see you, Jessie. And you can visit me too. It's less than a two hours' drive." "No. Not options I like." "I'm trying, Babe. Look...we can spend the night in my bed tonight. Want that?" "Nope. We're done here. I'll help you pack your car on Wednesday night. We'll say 'good bye' and be done, but..." "But?" "Nothing. Go home. Get out of my eyes. See you on Wednesday. Go." Oh. My first boyfriend just dumped me. I'd survive. The next few days I spent with Dad. We drank and watched TV and smoked. I kept thinking of Jessie, but it was an aching thought I'd leave behind. So much was ending now...and I needed some beginnings. That last night in my childhood bed...I wasn't cold but I covered up anyway. I wished I could go back in time. He said he'd come over tonight to help me load the car, but never did. It was all done anyway. And then...And then I felt a hard knock on my skull. Blue fireworks exploded across my closed eyelids. I also smelled the rag over my nose. It was like sweet mold and then I was no more. What I mean is...I was somewhere else, a place where knowing things wasn't important.
  12. small town somewhere, 1978 I was one of the lucky kids in this country. I lived in a nice house in a nice neighborhood and my parents were still together. Our house was directly across the street from a big park that covered four city blocks. So much to be grateful for but I was a miserable kid. Looking back now, I think I was/am on the autism spectrum. I was not social at all. I hated everything and everybody. There was a nameless rage inside of me. All of my school pictures showed me with a scowl on my face, and it caused my mom so much grief. Unhappiness. Some kid in my class had his birthday party in the park I told you about. Mom made me go. It was all boys and the kid's mom hadn't really planned any activities beyond eating cake and opening presents which meant we had to come up with something to do. The alpha boys decided we should all race to the end of the park and back. I knew I'd come in last so I hid under a lilac bush while they ran up and down like idiots. Of course I was discovered and laughed at. I'd eventually grow used to being picked on. I never once stood up for myself or fought back -- which of course made me a perpetual target. My inner rage would always have some shame mixed in. That night a dinner I suddenly said "I'll be damned if I go to another party." I never used that word and was hoping it had some impact. Dad laughed and then got suddenly stern. "We don't use language like that in this house. Apologize to your mother." "I'll be FUCKED if I ever go to another party!" Uh oh. Dad stood up and slapped my head with his big, wide hand. "Go to your room. I don't want to see you for the rest of the night." Fine. I liked being alone anyway. I'd miss "Rhoda", though. Bullied at school, bullied at home. My life. ten years later A lot had happened by the time I became a senior in high school. Our town had grown by leaps and bounds. A wal-mart had opened and many of the small businesses downtown closed. The clothing places, the office supply store and our two bookstores were all gone in the span of six months. My dad was an optometrist and even he was hurting. He couldn't compete with wal-mart or the new Lens Crafters. There were more people and more cars every day. I got taller and started to develop a strong jaw like my dad. I wasn't bullied so much anymore because our whole class seemed to have suddenly realized that school wasn't real life, just a temporary part of it. Everything would be different soon. Preemptive nostalgia, I guess. I couldn't wait to get away. I'd been accepted to a decent college about 100 miles from home. I had great grades and was good at art. Maybe I'd be a designer or an art historian. I didn't care as long as I go somewhere and start over, be someone else. The senior class was going to have a keg party on Saturday night. Even I was invited. It was going to be at the same park which made me not want to go. I'd decide later. Things at home were different as well. Mom and Dad rarely talked to each other. Dad often sleeps in the guest room or on the couch. It all seemed to happen at once. Dad was more mellow these days, but also depressed. I should have reached out to them, but I was too involved with my plans to get away and acquire a whole new personality. Those last two weeks of school, I hardly ever saw Mom. It sounds stupid, but I was spending a lot of free time trying to have a different voice. I tried to talk with a slight Southern twang but it sounded stupid when I replayed myself on tape. I thought about a British accent and was planning to practice on the night of the senior kegger. Around 11:30 PM, I felt differently. The English accent was really a dumb idea. Something made me want to attend. Something was pulling toward Crofton Park. I assumed everybody was asleep as I crept down the stairs, but there were lights on everywhere. My dad was sitting in the kitchen smoking a cigarette and having a drink. Liquor. What's wrong with this picture?? I had never once smelled cigarette smoke in this house. "Aaron! You're still up? Come have a drink with your old man." He was only wearing blue jockey shorts. I'd rarely seen him so casual. I sat across from him and tried to make sense of all of this. "Dad? Are you OK?" "I'm great. Why are you all dressed? It's almost midnight?" He put down the glasses of whiskey and Coke. "Class of '88 is having a farewell party tonight...right across the street, in the park." The drink was strong. It wasn't terrible, but not tasty either. "Ah yes. Saying good-bye. I can't believe you're so grown. Jesus Christ." "Is Mom here?" "She's got a migraine or something. I left her in peace and having my own peace." He chuckled as if he'd made a joke. "How long have you smoked?" "About a year. Want one?" I didn't, but this was a special night somehow. He lit one for me. "We need music." "This drink is tasting better. I've never tasted alcohol before." "I know...and thank you. Thank you for not ever being a bad kid. I golf with a guy who's got three teens at home who are always coming home drunk or on drugs. Poor bastard has no idea what to do with them. We never had to worry about you." I was liking the whiskey and the smoke as well. "Dad -- I'm sorry." "For what?" "For being such a jerk to you and Mom all these years. For being a problem." "Stop! Becoming a parent is like going to a casino. A big gamble. I'm a winner. You're the goddamn salutatorian of your graduating class! I am proud of you." He made us another drink. We drank and smoked and had a good talk. He seemed to be wanting to say more. "What is it, Dad?" "Well... Your mom and I are probably going to move. I need to work in a bigger city. Nothing is for sure yet...and nothing will happen until after we get you packed for college." I guess I probably knew this would happen. We were all at a crossroad. "Do what you have to do, Dad. I'm an adult now." "How did all this happen? Everything is different." I started to think he might cry. "A lot has changed, but also...not so much." He forced a smile. "What time does your party start? I seem to remember a boy who said he'd be fucked if ever went to another party." That moment came back to me in a harsh flash. "It already started. I'm having fun at this party here." I pushed my empty glass toward him and helped myself to another cig. "OK. One more and then you should go see your friends. It's pretty warm tonight, so you probably won't need a jacket." Music would indeed be good right now...or TV. Something to gill the silence. "You and Mom will be fine. I'll be fine." The party had been going on for over an hour already. "Go. Take the bottle and the cigarettes with you. I've got so many packs stashed around the house. Your mother won't find them because she no longer cleans the house. I did your laundry and made your bed yesterday. Me. Can you believe that shit?" "Well, thanks!" "You need somebody around here who remembers they have a son." He went and crashed on the couch in the living room. I went out the front door and smelled the air. I had my smokes, half a bottle of booze and a longing for something. Something. But what? The dandelions in the front yard glowed like burning embers. I hadn't been inside this park since that dumb kid's party. It hadn't changed much. The playground was still sparse -- a swing set and a couple of teeter-totters. Some new picnic tables had been put in. The giant cottonwood trees were all here, giant and old. Some of these had probably been here since Lincoln was shot. Or longer. I thought about history and time as I walked to the very back of the park was. Noise, sounds. I saw the tiny orange glows of cigarettes dancing in the distance. There was laughter and the sounds of conversation. OK. I could do this. I'd never been to something like this. Hell, I'd never been to a single school dance or the prom. How is this done? The first guy I saw was Shane Davis. "What? You came?? Hey -- look who's here! Aaron!" Shit. A whole bunch of faces turned in my direction. Some friendly, shocked greetings rang out. I hoped I looked OK. Some girl was vomiting nearby. Shane was probably a good guy. He never had a girlfriend that I remember. You'd think this guy would be getting laid all the time...he'd become a full-grown man faster than the rest of us. I swear he wore size 14 sneakers in 7th grade. His only flaw was that he was a total band geek. He was an expert trumpet player, and hid constant practice had made his lips abnormally large for a white boy. It was a weird feature. "Did you walk here by yourself?" "Yeah. I just live across the street. Why?" "Why?! You don't get out enough, Aaron. This place has changed. Dude. It's called 'The Kill Zone' now. There's fags here, spreading AIDS. And drug dealers and gangsters." He saw the doubt in my face. "No, really. While you were studying, this town changed into a city. We're basically a suburb for Levitt now. You really didn't notice??" "Uh. No. I guess not." He noticed the bottle of whiskey I had. "Maybe you were too drunk to notice. Can I have a sip?" I let him take a healthy chug. "Damn! Who would have ever guessed you'd show up here with top-shelf booze?!" I lit a cigarette. "And you even smoke? Fuck, it's always the smart kids who surprise you." I offered him one. I saw those swollen lips in the flare of my lighter. That same chick was puking again. "Who IS that?" "Dawn. Troy dumped her tonight. He got a football scholarship somewhere in the South and wants to concentrate on working out this Summer. Idiot. He should have at least fucked a few more times. I'd give anything to get a piece of that." "She's free now. Go for it. She'd be lucky to have you." I can't believe I said that gay comment out loud. He was too dumb or drunk to notice. We continued to share the bottle for a bit in the glow of the light of the bonfire. I sensed a natural end to the conversation, and moved toward the rest of the crowd. I had a floating feeling. This was a fine night. Weirdly, everyone I approached seemed glad to see me. I chatted with Troy and congratulated him on his scholarship. "You goin' to Harvard?" What? "No. SMU. I don't even know if they have a football team." "They do, but it's Division II." some other dude came up at my side to greet me. It was Kevin -- one of the dumbest kids in the whole school. "Hi, Aaron! Remember that wire sculpture of a moose you made in 9th grade? I thought it was so cool." It was actually supposed to be a longhorn bull. Whatever. "Oh. Yeah." He told me he was joining the army in August. Good for him. People were starting to leave in pairs and small groups. Nobody by themselves. Finally it was down to about ten kids left. Everybody was buzzed at the minimum. Dawn, the puker, came to join our small group. She looked at me with a slightly confused expression and then said,"Your name is Eric, right?" "It's 'Aaron'. How are you feeling, Dawn?" "I'm great. Somebody should have brought food. You'd look so much better with a tan, Eric. You're too pale. I work at 'Urban Rays' and can get you a good deal." She started dancing even though there was no music. She was looking right at me as she gyrated like a stripper. Uh oh. I was afraid she's try to kiss me with her vomit breath so I led her over to where Shane was. "You two know each other, right?" And then they were all over each other. Dawn may have been drunk, but she remembered she had boobs. She offered up her treasures to a dumbfounded Shane. They made out passionately before heading into the shadows. My work here was done. The last three people were all leaving together and asked me if I wanted to walk back with them. "Is the keg empty? Is somebody going to put out the fire?" They were all drunk and just walked away. I stayed and watched the dying flames. Was I waiting to see Shane again? Maybe. It was all over and it like the final curtain had dropped. I figured it was time to drop all my high school crushes, time to go home and get ready for a new life. I was having a little trouble walking in a straight line so I decided to sit for a few minutes. I plopped down at the base of a giant cottonwood tree and let the park spin slowly around me. This was a great tree. I had to wonder if it had been alive when Lincoln was shot. Who knows? I lit another cigarette. Damn, I was liking smoking enough to call it love. Oh hell, I should just try to make it home. 'Kill Zone'? It was quiet and harmless here. My dad was big on home security and we had the brightest porch light on the whole street. I'd just go toward that glow when it got in sight. But as soon as I started out on my mission, a big arm wrapped around my neck and dragged me to the ground. My brain does this thing when something upsetting happens. I remember being in car accident when I was 10. Some guy had run a stop sign and plowed into our car. Mom was driving. When it happened, my mind went somewhere in the sky. I was up there in the ether somewhere, looking down and thinking this will all be okay. Maybe some guys from the party were just fooling around. No. That wasn't it. I could hear two or three guys talking in Spanish. A hairy forearm was held against my windpipe as I lie flat on my back. "Check his pockets, Tito." "He got nothing. No wallet. Just keys, a lighter and half a pack of cigarettes. Fuck." "Give me the keys. Where's your car, boy?" "I didn't drive. I walked here." My voice came out small and weak. "What the hell are you doing in the park at night? Looking for something?", a new voice asked. "My class had a party at the far West end." "Oh the party is just starting, my friend!" They all laughed and talked in hushed tones. I didn't take any foreign language courses in school...it wasn't required. "A white boy with no money? Let's just kill him now and go get some breakfast." "Not just yet, Enrique. Let Jessie and I have some fun with him first." "OK. You guys can do your gay shit with him, but I ain't watching." My mind went back up in the clouds. This would be over soon enough, and I would be fine. "Get on your knees and stay still. Don't say a word. Jessie, keep your hands on his back...all I want is a blow job tonight." The one named Jessie got behind me and held my shoulders with force. The remaining guy unzipped his fly and stood right in front of my face. "You're lucky that I'm not going to fuck you. I'm the biggest here and I would kill you with my dick if I raped you. Just suck me." He brandished a giant penis that gave off its own heat. It smelled of drugstore aftershave. I could do this...I wanted to do this. "And watch your teeth. If I feel teeth, it'll be your last second on Earth." The head of his giant meat brushed my lips. I kissed it and savored the taste (and the moment). He let out a small grunt and pushed into my mouth. Deeper. I did what I thought sucking was, mindful of my teeth. It felt like I was meant to do this. I got more into it. "No need to hold him any more, Jess. He likes my dick in his mouth!" The guy behind me stepped away. "OK, Tito. Just don't piss on him. I don't need to smell that when it's my turn." Tito pushed so far into my mouth that I couldn't even breathe through my nose. He pulled almost all the way out before plunging back in. I was gagging and that made him more excited. "Ahhhh! ...I'm going to give you this now. Swallow it all. If you spit out my kids, you'll be spitting your teeth out next." Then he shot what tasted like salty raw egg white into my throat and in my mouth. He slowly got softer and then my mouth was empty. "Not bad, kid. I've got good news and bad news and worse news for you. The good news is that I'm done. The bad news is that Jessie probably wants to fuck your tight little ass. The worse news is that he's got the gay AIDS in his cum. The good and bad news is that, even if he makes your blood sick, you're going to die now anyway." "Shut the fuck up, Tito. Here...take his smokes and go find Enrique." The guy with the big penis walked away, and I silently wished he'd come back and let me suck him again. I wanted to do that one more time before I died. Oh well. It was just the guy named Jessie and I left. He was a few inches taller than me and sort of husky. Big. "It's OK. I will make sure you get home alive. What is your name?" "Aaron." "Have you ever done anything with a man?" His voice was deep, but soft. "Until just now? No. I. I'm gay." "Me too. Mostly. Are you okay?" "Yeah. Are you going to fuck me now?" "No. I will spare you that. If you've never done it before, it will be all hurting for you." "But I want you to. Please?" "Are you sure? After what you heard?" He didn't wait for my reply and started taking off all his clothes. Even his socks. His dick was smaller than Tito's but still pretty large. I stripped down as well. It was weird to be naked outside...I think it was the first time I had. Jessie had dark black pubes, but the rest of his body was hairless. He was completely erect, as was I. "Now get down on all fours like a dog. Do you understand what I mean?" I did as told. The grass was soft and fragrant. Jessie got down behind me. He pushed a fat finger into my exposed butt hole. OW! I was alarmed and asked him to stop. "You must be quiet now or Tito will come back. Hold on." Suddenly, Jessie jammed one of his socks into my mouth. The taste was only a little bit foul. Whiskey was nastier. And then his hard penis slid past my butt cheeks and into my hole. I yelled in my brain, but just groaned with my mouth full of sock. I guess this was really happening now. I didn't retreat up to the clouds because I wanted to be fully here. I also wanted to enjoy this, but I hurt deep both inside and outside. Jessie just kept going deeper. This would feel better soon, right? Gays did this voluntarily all the time, right? It started to hurt less as he went faster and further. Jessie was by himself in all this...I was just a hole. "I'm close, hombre. I will pull out in time." I tried to say no, but it was muffled. I shook my head. "Oh...you want this seed? In you?" I made agreeable noises as best I could. "What? I..I can't...OH SHIT! I'm cumming!" He thrust deeper and then collapsed on my back. His weight forced me down, and I stayed that way until he pulled out of my insides. He took the sock out of my mouth and started putting his clothes back on. "Sorry for making noise, Jessie. I tried not to." "No problems. You made less noise than I thought you would. Why did you not want me to pull out?" I stood up and started getting dressed. "Because I'm going to be killed anyway. Isn't that what you gangsters do?" "Never call me that again! I may be in a gang but ... I am... I have a plan to get you home." I waited to hear it. "I have a knife and told them I would kill you, but the knife needs to have some blood on it..or at least this hankie does. They'll want proof. Are you bleeding down there...down in your butt?" I'm sure I was, but it probably wasn't enough to look like a murder. "Only a little." This was a surreal conversation. "Never mind. I'll take care of it." Jessie lifted his shirt, held his knife and made a six inch cut across his stomach. No way was all of this real. The cut bloomed a little bit of blood, but not enough. His body was busily clotting the wound. "Let me do it again." "No. Don't. Give me the knife." He studied me. Maybe he thought I'd try to kill him and make a getaway. But he just paused a second before giving me the weapon. I started to get facial hair when I was 15. I remember standing in the bathroom next to my dad as he tried to teach me how to shave. My first attempt was a disaster... I'd nicked my face so bad with the razor. I looked like I had been to war. "Maybe we need to get you an electric razor, Son. Wash your face and then put tiny bits of tissue on the cuts. The blood vessels in your face are very close to the skin and they bleed a long time." I rook the lethal knife and made a cut from my left ear to my chin. Damn! It was way sharper than I'd guessed, and I nearly went through my cheek entirely. "NO!" Jessie was shocked and couldn't muster another word for a few seconds. I felt a heavy flow of blood flow into the hollow of my neck. None of this was really happening. "Why? I mean..." "Give me the handkerchief, Jessie." I let my blood soak the rag before handing it back to him. The only illumination we had was from a mercury light a few yards away. But even in the darkness, I saw him look right at me with dark eyes as he touched the tip of his tongue to the bloody cloth. "Stay hidden and still. I'll be back." He put the knife in the hankie and walked away. Hide? I went a little way from our spot and lied beneath a bush. I pretended to be dead. I was on my side and I think I crushed a small snail under my right temple. Blood was still coming and it washed over my lips. I was supposed to be dead so I closed my eyes and imagined it. Maybe I slept..and dreamed a little. Heavy footsteps. "Aaron? Are you here?" I got up and brushed myself off a little. "Well?" "They left. They're going to get rid of the knife in Clinton Lake. They won't be back. Are you still bleeding?" "A little. It's OK. It'll stop soon." "I have your keys and cigarettes and the bottle. I want to keep the lighter as a souvenir. That okay?" Well, um...why? I was less drunk now, but my stomach boiled. "What do they think you're doing now?" "I told them I had to hide the body. Your body. Let me walk you home." He sounded happy. "It's right across the street, Jessie. You don't have to." "I want to. Slow down. We can talk and finish your booze. Can I have a smoke?" "Uh, yeah. You saved my life. It's the least I can offer you." "You saved your own life. You gave me your pureness -- if that's the right word. Or even A word. I never have boyfriends or go to bars. You haven't asked, but I'll tell you now that I got the disease in prison. I fucked and got fucked for 11 months. Life gives out some bruises at times." "What did you do?" "Not now. Yes, I'm in a gang... a group of us Puerto Ricans came down from Kansas City to see if we could recruit. Problem is that other gangs were already here. And also, nobody here does speed. We sell speed and a few other things. Your people are too Methodist for the hard stuff. Tito and Enrique are probably moving to Levitt next week. I don't know what I want to do." "For the first time in my life I know what I want to do. I want to move away from here, go to college and become a new person." "Stop. Why you want to leave?" "Not now. How is the cut on your stomach?" We stopped as he lifted his shirt. It was still leaking tiny droplets. For reasons I wouldn't understand until later, I knelt down and put my cut cheek directly onto his injury. We shared blood now. It was the most bizarre kind of bonding. I stood back up. "My house is just up ahead. The porch as bright as the sun." "OK. Let me ask -- is there anything that would make you stay?" I scanned my brain. "Nope. I want to go somewhere a be a different person." He grabbed my hand in the lit-up park entrance. "No. The person you are now is so wonderful. You are nice young man with a handsome face. The only thing wrong with you is that you look like a scary movie now. Your face is covered with blood -- yours and mine. Let me walk you to your door. That is a nice house, Aaron. You got brothers and sisters?" "No," I said as we crossed the street "Just me. I don't think my parents ever loved each other." I stopped talking and squeezed his big hand. "Come in the shadows for one quick minute." We stepped away and then kissed. My first kiss. He pressed his mouth hard onto my mine. It was pure passion, but it told me a lot about him. I now knew why people kissed. It was a form of communication. That's why mating couples did it. I pulled him back into some light and looked at his face. He was a little older, and had a beard with some sparse spots. Cute. "I should go now. Get some sleep, put a towel on your pillow. We will meet again." And then he vanished down the street. I wanted him to stay with me. I bent over and threw up in the tulips. I didn't take a shower like usual. I'd probably slip and break my arm. I just got naked and climbed into bed. My ass ached. I remembered being in first grade and being led down to the lunchroom for a booster vaccine for something. Small Pox? The needle was giant, and we all started crying. I remember how the shot felt. It was deep in my tiny arm...deep into the muscle. It was a new pain. It hurt on the outside and the inside. Jessie's dick had felt like that when Jessie's cock was in me. But better. After the bed spun for a bit, I fell asleep and dreamed about blood and blades. TO BE CONTINUED....
  13. (late 70's, somewhere in the Midwest) I was just a bored, stupid little kid living on a farm. Dad worked in the fields and I was pretty much left on my own while Mom ironed and watched game shows and stupid soap operas. We lived on a gravel road that had very little traffic. A farm truck now and then, but that's about it. You couldn't even see the closest neighbors' house. After all the Spring rain, the county would pour new gravel in late June. I was into rocks back then. I saw beauty in the little stones and inspected each one that caught my eye. At a certain time of day, I'd head home with my pockets full of fascinating little rocks. I'd do the same thing the next day -- because I stupidly believed the gravel was like ocean tides, with new ones washing up each morning. One day I wandered pretty far down the road. Maybe a mile or more. Here's where the story falls apart in my memory. I somehow blanked out that day, the day I went too far away. Here's what I know for sure happened. My head was hurt, broken, bleeding. Ask anyone who's had a concussion or brain injury, and they'll tell you that they remember very little about it. Same with people who've had shock treatment several times. The first thing I remember is a nurse handing me a little cup of chocolate milk. I remember doctors and a nice hospital bed. The scenes get shorter and smaller. Faster. There was a sheriff sitting in our living room talking with my parents in quiet voices. I remember opening my eyes and seeing an orange cat sleeping on my chest. Never saw him again. My memories got sharper as the year went on. I had a sixth birthday party. There was a chocolate cake and I got a rock tumbler, some new Hot Wheels cars and coloring books. I hadn't been to school yet -- which is probably for the best since I had a bunch of wicked scars on my head. It caused my wavy brown hair to grow in weird ways. I looked like a haystack. It was just one of the ways I was different now. I had dreams about grown men kissing me... Fonzie was in my closet and pulled me in so we could hug and kiss with our clothes off. Let me state outright that I don't believe brain trauma can change your sexuality. I think it may come off that way as I'm telling you this. I'm certain I was already gay in the womb. I started Kindergarten at age 7. I was only slightly bigger than everybody else. I had crazy hair, but the 80's had arrived and Mom just put mousse foam in it and worked into the spikes and organized chaos. I was a strangely fashionable kid in all through grade school. I had friends, and it was through some of them that I started to piece together information about what really happened to me. Kids overhear everything their parents talk about. Loose lips. It turns out I wasn't hit by a car, like I'd originally thought. I'd been attacked. ! I was in sixth grade by the time I knew everything. I was found in a ditch with my head bashed in. I'd also been raped in the butt. Everybody blamed gypsies. Gypsies were the boogeymen in are area. They were thieves and used drugs and murdered little kids who wandered off. They moved into rundown empty houses and then go steal everything. Both the guys and the girls wore earrings. I don't think I ever saw one. No one was ever charged and the case "went cold". So I finally knew what nobody who loved me wanted to report. Raped? I could barely believe that part. But I was now a teenager and other things were on my mind. I had a few wet dreams and figured out how to masturbate. I would get severe crushes on guys and have no idea what to do about it. I was moody as hell and not getting along with my parents. I always felt like I had the upper hand with them back then. I was saving my ace for the right time. Mom was on my casr about my messy room and my lax grooming habits. One night, at the dinner table, Dad was blathering on and on about my grades or some shit. "You roll your eyes one more time and I'll paddle your little butt." "My butt? The same butt that was raped when I was four? Is that the one you mean? Why didn't you tell me??" The room went ice cold. Mom got up from the table and went to the kitchen. "You didn't need to know. Once we realized you didn't remember anything, your mother and I thought it was best to just forget it ever happened. We wanted to move on." I guess he did what he thought was best, but I had already worked myself up into a major sulk. I felt entitled to pout and slam doors for a few days. The incident was never discussed again. By the time I turned 17, I got a driver's license and had liberal use of the second car we had. I also started a part-time job at K-Mart. I wanted to work in the stereo department, but they started me out at the registers. It was brainless (no pun intended) but the time flew by. At one employee meeting, we were told what to do if a family of gypsies entered the store. My ears perked up. Apparently, they were known to arrive in a large group and then fan out, stealing everything they could. There was a protocol for employees to follow if and when this ever happened. What I didn't know was a lot. What was their motivation? What did they look like? I wanted to know more, but nobody I talked to knew much more information than I did. Tammy often worked at the register next to mine. She was pure trash and not very well thought of. "Hammy Tammy" was what people called her out of earshot. I didn't mind her. She was pretty stupid, but fully who she was. No filters. No walls. During slow times, we were supposed to find something to do. But she and I just talked. You only had to know Tammy for about two minutes before you'd come to the realization she was a full-blown racist. That's not uncommon for this area, but she made no attempts to hide it. "Hey, Tammy. Were you at that meeting where they talked about gypsies?" It was early Sunday afternoon and completely dead. "Yeah. I've been here almost five years and have heard the same shit at least three times." "Are there any around here?" "Oh yeah," she cracked her gum "They're like roaches. One of the families or whatever lives down the road from my grandpa Ernie's farm. Never seen 'em in here though." "What do they look like?" "Various colors. Black hair. Could be they're Italian (she pronounced it 'eye-talyun') They don't look American. They smell bad and wear weird clothes. The women dress like sluts, but with a lot of clothes on -- if that makes sense. Lots of cheap jewelry. The men are always filthy, but try to look all sexy. Why?" "I've just never seen one." "Be glad. Hey-- are you 18 yet?" "Next month." "You lucked out. They're changing the legal drinking age to 19 next year. And then it goes up a year at a time. Ya'll are just one step ahead of it. We'll go out on your birthday and get good and drunk." I'd never even thought about drinking before. Not much anyway. It killed brain cells, and I think I was overdrawn as it was. I was actually 18 already, but I kept up the lie because I'd lived it so long. I could go home, open the fridge and down a beer in front of my mom and dad. But I had started to feel sorry for them. Mom never had another baby after me -- probably because I was such a tragedy. They also argued a lot. I decided they'd been punished enough, and so I tried to be a pleasant son. Tammy was making plans for my 18th (actually 20th) birthday. "We can go to The Crossing. On Meridian. It ain't bad. But you have to understand that I got a boyfriend now. Lucas, who works at the grain elevator. If he wants to go out that night, we can do it some other time." Tammy wanted a steady boyfriend so badly (as I secretly did). She'd end up getting used and dumped over and over again. It was a pattern she'd repeat until she got older and her heart would furn to ice. The night arrived and Lucas had blown her off. Tammy didn't take hints willingly. It was so weird to be feeling sorry for people after I'd spent so much time feeling sorry for myself. I picked her up at her trailer and opened the car door for her. She deserved to be treated like a lady once in a while. Her makeup was pretty heavy and it didn't quite come together like she thought it did. I knew she hadn't glammed up for me..but for the guys we might see at The Crossing. Maybe she knew I was gay...or maybe I just wasn't enough of the caveman type she preferred. "I like that shirt...but you shouldn't wear red. It's not your color. I'm gonna be a beauty technician one day. I'll help you pick out clothes if you want." The Crossing was not so bad. I was no fan of country music, but at least they mix in some Madonna once in a while. God love her, that bitch wouldn't go away. I asked Tammy if she wanted to dance. "Not now. I need to get a buzz first. Lemme go get us a pitcher." We drank beer and looked around. Tammy's eyes were like a spotlight scanning the crowd. Damn, this girl needed a dick. I guess I did too, but there were no gay dudes here. She put on her seductive face, but it was failing. "You come here a lot,Tammy?" She snapped out of her man-seeking trance... "Yeah. Always on payday...and some other nights when I'm bored. Do you play pool?" "No. I never learned how. My hand-to-eye coordination is pretty bad." She wasn't really listening. She drank beer so fast. I asked her what she was thinking. She seemed surprised at the question that probably had ever been asked her. "I...I think I'm sorry I forgot your birthday present. It's at home. I'm thinking all the girls here are skinny whores. I'm thinking I'm drunk now." She laughed and got us a third pitcher. "I've never been drunk before. Will I get sick? Throw up?" "It depends. We should go now anyway. I'm sick of this place." "Can you show me where those gypsies live?" "What? Why? We can go to that little bridge over the creek where the ghosts are." "Been there (I hadn't). I need to see those gypsies. " "OK. That could be spooky too. I won't get too close, though." We drove down a county road just outside of town. Tammy was a little confused and we briefly got lost. "Are we on the right road now?" "Yeah. That's my grandpa's house. He and his new wife stay up late. Just pull in and leave me here. I'll crash here and you go can go find the gypsies...about a mile that way. Be careful." She didn't even let me open the car door for her. She just got and puked in the grass. I made sure she made it up to the door before I pulled back onto the dark road. I felt drunk and something nameless. I needed a plan. Would I park somewhere and walk there to get a look? I was so out of it that I just parked in the driveway, headlights blazing. Stupid. I don't know what my line of thinking was. I needed to see them. It was a two-story stone house. It might have been nice a hundred years ago, but it was a little sad now. There was light inside, but it was very dim. I never had a chance to knock on the door because a tall, hefty male opened the door. I couldn't make out his expression or even features. in the shadows. What the hell was I going to say? "Hi...uhhh...I'm just..," "Come in! Ma Ma knew you would come this night. He's here everyone! The stranger in red has come to the door just like Ma Ma said!" What? The inside of the big front room had about a dozen people inside. The youngest were around my age and the oldest had to be in her 80's. Ma Ma, I was guessing. The smells were powerful and confusing. It was like a locker room combined with frying smells combined with something exotic. There were a few table lamps on with color scarves over the shades. I guess they had electricity. I felt like all the dark eyes look me over. "Bring him to me," the old woman said. She looked like a gypsy cliche...beads, bangles, big hoop earrings. If she'd had a crystal ball in her lap, the picture would have been complete. I was shy, but strangely not afraid around this group. "Good evening, M'am." "Yes. I knew you come to the door. You seek us long time, yes?" "My name is Alec. And...yes. How did you know I was coming?" "Your mind is not just your own, yes? I read you in last night's sky. Once you have spilled blood on the earth, it knows where you are and where you will go. Give me one hand." I timidly held my right hand out. I figured she would read my palm or something, but she just held it in her ancient fingers. "YES!", she croaked loudly "He has gypsy blood in him!" There was a chorus of cheers from the rest. I guess she might technically be right. Was I dreaming this? "I don't think so. But maybe." "I think so. You have much grief also." "Why?" "We talk more tomorrow if you wish. I need bed now." I helped her up from the worn-out recliner. "You are good man. The girls will help from here. Good night. Mr Alec." With a few nods and grunts, all the females in the room got up from their seats to lead her upstairs. They gave me smiles and sweet 'good nights' as they left. Ma Ma paused at the doorway. "You boys don't give him too much wine. He's already smell of drinking." And then it was just me and six men in the room. They seemed to relax after the ladies exited. A big bottle of wine came out, but no glasses or cups. We all just passed it around. They all removed their shoes and a few of them took off the shirts too. The guy next to me on one of the couch was maybe about 40 with a huge gut, covered with hair. His name was Gino and he gave off very friendly vibes. None of them had socks on and the smell of their feet filled the room. I guess it was a gypsy thing. I felt so Midwestern and American because there was no TV to focus on. I was asked many questions. "You work?" Gino was the first to talk. "Yeah. K-Mart. I might go to college next year." "Thone went to college one year. Right, Thone?" Thone was the youngest of the group. He had slick black hair that was dirty but looked retro-cool. "Yeah. So much pussy in college." "No. This man don't want the pussy! You stupid? Go outside and smoke." The guy yelling at him was the one who answered the door. Maran. He was a big man with a full beard. I think he winked at me. Not sure. Thone skulked away. The mood changed, brightened. More questions were asked. I told them about my life and about the K-Mart policy when it came to gypsies. "Oh, that shit store," a guy named Turro said with a laugh. "We already got somebody in there...an employee who gets us all kinds of stuff. He's a boyfriend Of Alana's." I mentally scanned the list of male coworkers and figured it was one of two guys. Gino was crowding closer to me. At some point, somebody brought out more wine and someone else lit a fat, fragrant joint. I'd never smoked it before, but made an effort. I was a gypsy now...Ma Ma had said so. The others drifted away to bed. I had no idea what time it was. Midnight? Later? It was just me, Maran and Dino left. "It's my birthday," I said for no reason. "Yes. Ma Ma knew that too. 20? You don't look 20. Too young and also too old for that number. But at least you are now old enough to suck a dick. You like to suck the dick?" What? This had taken a turn. "I never have." "You want to suck Gino and me? Nobody will see." I wanted to. I took a long drag off the joint. "I can try." Maran gave me the wine bottle one last time before stripping off his black jeans. Gino was already naked. I could tell Maran had authority here. His dick was shiny and super hard. And way bigger than my own. I kissed it like I was like I was kissing someone on the cheek. He urged the head into my mouth. OK. I could do this. He seemed to know my limit and didn't go any deeper. The taste was a little foul because he wasn't very clean. He pulled away. "I don't want to shoot seed now. Let Gino do that for you." That's all the invitation the fat guy needed. He poked me in the nose with his cock. It was as big as his brother's, but he had this hanging gut to contend with. I was into it now, though. I lavished his big meat with my tongue, mouth and throat. I wanted to please him so badly. He liked the extra attention and held my head as he came. I tasted sperm at last, but not really. I wish I could say it was rich and thick, but I felt it more than tasted it. It hit my back teeth and throat. I knew Maran was watching all of this. There must have been some silent communication between them because Gino immediately withdrew his slimy dick from my mouth and put his pants back on. He padded up the stairs quickly. His discarded shirt was still on the couch. "Let's sit and have one more drink of wine, yes?" Maran didn't bother putting his pants back on, and wandered back to the kitchen with everything exposed. I sat there and realized that I had just had some gay sex...I had sucked two cocks and had semen in my throat. It was sudden and I had no time to process it. Ma Ma must have seen all of this in the stars. "I brought you a cup, Alec." It was a tall plastic mug filled to the rim with wine. He seemed fine with just swigging right from the bottle. "Thanks. What time is it?" "The right time. Take some drink. I don't want to taste Gino's dirty dick when I kiss you. You like kiss?" "I've never kissed a man. Or a woman. I ..." "Yes. Tell me your story now. You wear a story like a heavy coat." I told him everything. The incident. My life." "I guess that's why I appeared here tonight. Or not. I don't feel in control now." "You are not in control. Life is. Let it take you for the ride. I must say now that it was most likely a gypsy man who did that to your young self. I am so sorry. We seldom get a chance to make sex. Some can't help but to do a rape. I have never one rime did that. Thone has. He kill nobody though. Do you believe you were killed?" I was taking big gulps pf the wine. I didn't taste the alcohol at all. "How can I have been murdered if I'm here right now?" I sneaked yet another look at his heavy, hairy dick. "Death and Life are always side by side. They cross over at times. My believe is that you are at the edge...especial after tonight." "What do you mean?" "This night, before the sun comes up, I will make you pregnant. I will give you a living thing that is a form of death. I will give you a baby from here." He grabbed his big balls. "Look now." I thought he wanted me to look at his balls, but no. He crossed his right leg over his left knee to show me a purple-brown sore on his ankle. I knew what it was, what he was telling me. It was a little over an inch wide. Oddly shaped. "Does it hurt?" "No. No hurt. It looks like a half a wishbone, yes? Ma Ma said my wishes were almost gone when I showed it to her. I think she partly blames herself. We were in the Chicago and I was doing bad things -- we all were. Talia got the abortion. Right before we come here I was sick so badly. I am better, but I have death inside me. It has just waiting to do. Tell me your thinking right now." I grabbed those giant toes and looked into his eyes. "I thought you said we were going to kiss." He smiled brightly. "Yes. Finish the wine with me. It is no allowed upstairs." We sat quietly and sipped. I wished so much there was a TV on. There needed to be a third party present...otherwise I had to deal with a large, handsome gypsy next to me. A man with AIDS who wanted to give me his babies. I tried to think of something to say, but I was too busy taking in every detail of his growing erection. I realized I'd take everything that weapon had to give. I tried to maintain some cool, but then he kissed me. On the mouth. Long and deep as we shared each others' breath. I'd never done this before. I thought my heart would explode. We devoured each other with intense kissing for almost 10 minutes. I no longer had free will as he led me up the creaking stairs. His room was a single. Lord only knows where are the others slept. There was just a mattress on the floor, although it was dully fitted with sheets, pillows and a comforter. It smelled strongly of body odor...but I kind of liked it. "How many pillow you use, Alec?" "Two. One under my head and one to hold." "I will give you one for the head and you hold me then." His big bare feet hung off the edge of the mattress. He put his arms behind his head and I noticed what an out-of-control bush he had in his armpits. He looked me up and down with a look that said 'get nude'. We were telepathic all the sudden. I mentally apologized for how skinny and pale I was. "Is OK. I hope I do not break you in pieces." I felt his feverish body heat from three feet away. I had a full-on boner and was a little dizzy. He motioned me to come lay down as he stroked his giant dark dick. I remember how much I liked sucking it before, and so I knelt down and took Maran's penis in my mouth again. It was so hard and seemed to have a life of its own. "You do too much work. Lay down and the dizzy will go away. Then I do the working for both of us." I lied back on my assigned spot with my one pillow. This was happening. There were no lights on at my parents' house, and they asleep with no idea where I was or what I was doing. "Maran?..." I felt a question in my head, but didn't have a way to ask it. "Shh. You never have done this, yes?" "No. I've never done anything...voluntarily." He was quiet for a few seconds. "It will be hurting very much. My first time taking the dick, I screamed like tiny girl." I somehow had forgotten how to breathe or blink. "It's okay. I want this," I said in my mind. "Yes. This house has many ears. My suggest is that you lay on your stomach...face in pillow." I did as told. "Take a deep breathe of air." He climbed on top of me. His giant body felt like a redwood tree made of flesh and fur. He pressed my legs apart with his full weight, and his dick pressed into my hole. NO! I lifted my head up and started to protest. He pressed my face back into the pillow. I inhaled the pungent smell of him as he kept pushing his giant tool into me. It was impossible pain. Literally. It wasn't possible to hurt this bad and still be alive. My screams went right directly into the pillow. "Yes. I am all the way in your insides now. Feels so nice. I will shoot seed very soon." He pumped and thrust and sweat. I wish I could say the pain turned to pleasure, but it did not. "Oh! Take these children...NOW!" He heaved one last time and was still. "Yes. Now we are family." I lifted my face off the pillow and groaned. "Did you like it?" "Very much yes. You have blood on you. The bathroom is just across from here. No hot water just now." I went there as soon as I could stand. It was like the rest of the house -- dim and messy. I was dripping blood and in pain. I mopped up a little with wet toilet paper. It took some time, and I was afraid Maran was already asleep. And he was. I lie next to him and listened to his breathing. Not one part of me was sleepy. He dozed for awhile and I stared at the moonlight dancing on the ceiling. We made love two more times -- the third time I was on my back. If finally felt good. I could see why people did this. I came twice that night. At some point, Maran got up and opened the window so that we could "sleep to the songs pf the stars". I hugged his big, musky frame until dawn. In the morning, I got up and dressed in the previous night's clothes. Maran was sleeping like a rock, snoring a little. Maybe I'd go out and enjoy the morning air before going home. I always had clearer thoughts outdoors. I needed to do some thinking now. But there were awakened sounds downstairs. Ma Ma and two of the females were making breakfast. That shyness I was cursed with returned. I didn't feel like I could just leave. I just walked into the kitchen and said "Good morning." The girls were delighted to see me, but the old lady didn't turn away from the stove. One of them started to pour me a cup of coffee, but Ma Ma stopped them with no words, just a gesture. She still hadn't turned to look at me. "He is no coffee. Leaves us for four minute." The girls giggled and breezed past me. Two of them went upstairs and two went outside. I knew they were all talking about me. Ma Ma finally turned and looked at me. "The stranger is still wear red. I can get you one of Thone's clean shirt. He is thin like you." "No. Thank you, but I am fine." "Not fine. Here...I brew you this tea. It help you heal. Stop the blood." She pushed a teacup toward me. It smelled nice. We sat across from each other at the table. "You are very kind, Ma Ma." "I know everything, Alec. I can see and hear things even in sleep. You need to say things now?" "I...No. I mean...." "Yes. Go on?" "I feel very different today. I think I love Maran." "I knew that. Love is what it is. My longtime dead husband and me had so much love we think we invented it. We did not. Maran is my oldest grandson. He has a golden heart and is a leader. One day I be underground and he will lead this family. He has claimed you now. He know your heart and thoughts forever...you give a man your blood and he is in it at all time. Drink your tea. It is no good when cold." I consumed the tea and her words. I wanted to rush upstairs and see my man. "He will be down soon. I fry ham and all get out of bed right soon." She could read my thoughts, but hers were unreadable so far. As the skillet heated up and the wonderful aroma drifted through the house, there were noises from upstairs. The men all lumbered down, wearing t-shirts and shorts. Maran looked so beautiful with messy hair and sleepy eyes. He squeezed my shoulder and took the chair next to mine. I mentally told me that I loved him. His voice was suddenly booming in my head. 'Yes. We eat some and then go out to walk. We can kiss once more and hold.' The end? Not quite. I was at the gypsy house more than my own in the following weeks. I was so addicted to Maran. There were a few days when I had to concentrate on finals and couldn't visit. I felt dead inside. But it all ended when I graduated. The whole family arrived and sat as close as they could. My parents must have known something....I hadn't talked about college or moving or anything like that. I took care of that the next day. I packed up a few things, withdrew all the college from my bank account, and moved in with my new family. We're in Alabama now. Maran and I are both healthy (me more than him). It's all good. It's better than good.
  14. I know some people hate...or even fear clowns. Blame "Poltergeist" and "It" for that, I guess. I was always ambivalent about them. I didn't find them scary or anything -- just boring. I remember going to a rich kid's birthday party once and there was a clown who made balloon animals for everyone. Big fucking deal. So whenever I talked to people who really hated clowns, I understood why. There's something "wrong" about them. The kid's birthday was a week before Halloween, and that was basically the theme. So, why a clown? Why not have a guy dressed as Dracula? Nine and ten year-olds would dig that. I wasn't scared, but kind of on alert. I studied "Buzz". I could tell by his neck and body that he was probably a young guy. The cynic in me was just starting to bloom in me back then. He probably hates this and is just doing this for money. He probably hated kids. Here's the thing about clowns: They can disguise their body, hair and face, but they can't change their eyes. I looked at his eyes -- which were greenish-gray and a little pink on the edges. I'd seen my dad's eyes all bloodshot on Sundays during the football time of year. Had Buzz been drinking? After he made us the balloon animals, he just walked around and tried to amuse us in person. Ugh. It was embarrassing. I gave off as many 'stay away' vibes as I could manage (a skill I've since perfected), but he still tried to engage me while some little girl puked in the rock garden. I stared hard into his face. "I have to go now." "OH! But the party is just starting!" His voice was like a teenager's. "Can't. My mom is waiting for me. Stay away from me." I stood up and decided to just go outside. Buzz leaned close to me. I smelled beer. "Have a nice day, you rude little shit." And I left on shaky legs. I missed the gifts and cake and everything. Fuck him. I was playing with that word a lot in my head. I heard kids on the bus say it all the time. A DECADE AGO God, so much has changed since those days. Cell phones and the internet have taken over. I live in a crummy little apartment, but still can get access to the world. I had a blog and Twitter and Facebook. 9/11 had happened during my last year of college. Now I was a photo editor for an upscale magazine. I could afford a better place, but that would mean packing and moving. No thanks. I also finally admitted to myself that I was gay. I didn't know any gay people though. Most of my friends were from work, people my age or older. But they were starting to marry off and move away. Whatever, I was a virgin with the big 3-0 on the horizon. I had built up a pretty nice porn library on my computer. God, my jacking-off was out of control! A more mentally-healthy person would probably go out and try to have a boyfriend, have actual sex. Not me. That would take too much effort, whereas a porn video was quick and easy. I was obsessed with the computer and mass media in general. Many of my internet 'friends' were followers of my blog. Some of them were asking me if I'd seen "The Killer Clown". ? Apparently, there was some guy in my city that dressed as a clown and would lurk around at night and creep people out. I guess maybe I'd heard of this before, but never paid much attention. The computer had made everything a trend -- a trend that was forgotten in a week. What I didn't know was why he was considered a 'killer'. After some poking around, I found out that he had raped some young woman and given her HIV. Youtube had a video of the newscast where she was interviewed. Her face was shadowed. "I was coming back from my aunt's house and took a shortcut through Washington park. This f(bleep)ng clown is standing there, lookin' all crazy and s(bleep)t. I ignored him and kept walking. I was almost to to McGee Street when I was grabbed and raped right there in the leaves and s(bleep)t. I didn't tell nobody because who's going to believe I was raped by a clown? About a month later, I got real sick. My boyfriend and I were trying to have a baby so I went to the doctor and he said I had the AIDS virus." Wow. Most of the guys who did this were just doing it as a goof. But here was an a rapist and potential killer (if she died). I got obsessed with the story. Killer Clown was known to appear in three different parks. One of them was right across the street from my building. Lewis Park. A bad idea was forming in my head. It turned out to be a great idea, but I was feeling uneasy at the time. Unsure of my motives. I needed to get him on film. My employer wouldn't be interested, but my blog buddies would dig it...and maybe it could turn into something and I'd get job offers. I'd gone to school to be a photographer, but these days I spent all my work time trying to make other people's pics look better. It wasn't hard, just defeating. I accepted it. Some people aren't born with the eye for photography. I had a fancy new digital camera that I never made friends with. It was complicated and the flash was weak. The old-fashioned 35mm camera I'd bought in high school was so much better. I knew that thing so well, and could adjust the f-stops and the shutter speeds with my eyes closed. It was my trusty old friend. I had a few beers before I ventured out that Monday night. I put another two in my camera bag for later and just wore the camera around my neck. I felt like a real journalist. The park on Armor Boulevard was surrounded by an old iron fence. I guess this area had been pretty decent in the old days. My apartment building was once a high-end hotel. Now the neighborhood was pretty ghetto. Drugs and hookers and shootings were just part of the scenery. It was very early Fall and the smell of approaching cold was there if you stood still long enough. I followed a little path and found a bench to sit on. I listened to the wind and watched the shadows. This was a perfect night to see a spooky clown. I fiddled around with the camera and made sure the flash was charged. How long should I wait? Maybe I needed to move closer to the sidewalk. I decided to move and look around more...be 'investigative". I took a few test shots of the trees as I casually walked deeper into the heart of the park. The wind picked up a bit, and I wished I had worn my jacket. There was a statue of the Lewis guy this park was named for. I knew nothing about local history. Like the guy from "Lewis and Clark"? The explorer? I should have taken more than art & design courses in college. Too late now. As I thought more about this, I saw movement from behind the monument. I stopped breathing as a clown appeared. It's him! I stood still. He was very tall and had the typical clown costume and makeup on. The only inauthentic thing was his shoes. They weren't the round, knobby ones that most clowns (including Ronald McDonald) wore. ..just regular Converse sneakers. He stood there and looked at me. He made an exaggerated shrugging of his shoulders. I just called out a casual "Hey." His voice was deeper... "Why are you here taking pictures?" "Dunno. I guess I want to make both of us famous. I'm a photojournalist (lie)". "Not with the cops?" "No. God, no. I'm nobody, but YOU are a legend. I can't believe I found you on my first try." "You just want some pics? Of me? Okay. What do you want me to do?" "I dunno. Clown stuff? Do whatever you usually do." He pulled colorful scarves out of his hand and hammed it up. I got some really great shots. I wanted a close-up of his clown face. "You can write what you want, but you can't say where I am and you can't interview me. There's one bitch who claims I raped her, but that's not what happened." "I heard about that. What really happened?" "You heard already? And your here? Think I wouldn't rape your little boy hole?" I felt my spine freeze. "What actually happened is she wanted to blow me, and then got all horny. I fucked her so hard. I didn't tell her I had AIDS -- which I guess is a crime." I kept clicking away. "How long have you had the virus?" "No idea. I just know that everybody I fuck - even once - comes down with it. I'm a public menace." "Why do you do this clown thing?" I noticed he had some facial stubble, and the white makeup on top of it was disturbing. "Why not? It's something I wanted to do. I bet your running out of film by now." I was, but I had a new roll packed away and had alreasy taken some great shots. "Yeah. I guess we're done." "Good. I need to take a piss and have a smoke." The temperature must have dropped because I started to shiver. He pulled out an impressive semi-hard wiener and let his urine splash loudly against the stone base of the statue. I made sure to get a picture of that. For me. I had a quick realization that I found this clown very hot. All of my mixed feelings made sense now. "I guess you can't publish that one." He laughed. "Nope." He finished up and lit a cigarette. "Have a cig with me, kid." I didn't smoke, but I wanted to smoke now. More than anything in the world. I remembered the beers in my camera bag and handed him one. He seemed delighted. "If I hadn't been here, would you have sat here a drank these yourself?" "Who knows? I was ready for anything." "Anything, huh? Quick question....why did you want a picture of my pissing cock?" "I....uh...well...I liked seeing it and wanted to remember it." "You a fag?" "No. Well, yes. Not a practicing one." "It's cool. I fucked and gave been fucked by guys ever since I first grew pubes. Maybe that's why I always felt like life had put a "kick me" sign on my back. Clowns live to be made fun of." I thought that made total sense. "But why don't you wear clown shoes?" "Shit. I was afraid you'd ask that. They don't make them in my size. Seriously. The shoes are oversized, but the insides only go up to 13. I have to wear a size 16 because I've got these damn finger toes." Damn. I wanted a picture of them. "I've got a fresh roll of film. Can I take a few more pics?" "Yeah. I've more to show you, little stupid kid. You want to see my big dick, don't you?" "Anything." He opened the fly of his baggy clown pants and let out a dragon cock that was so hard and thickly-veined. Jesus. "Here you go. Imagine this in your little ass." I did. I used up half the toll just on that impressive penis. And then he climbed out of his baggy clown clothes, and stood there naked. He turned and let me get some pics of his hairy ass. He was thin, but not very in shape. "Let me get a few photos of those famous finger toes." "Oh Hell. OK. They're ugly and not very clean, though. I've got this toenail fungus or something." He slipped out of his sneakers and they were indeed pretty bad. His disturbingly long toes looked like they were fighting each other. Most of the nails looked yellow and gray and damaged. I sat at the base of the statue. "Lift you leg and show me the bottom of your foot." "You're a damn freak, kid. I'll lose my balance if I stand on one leg. Let me lie down and you can get pictures of both of them." We moved deeper into the shadows and he made a pillow out of his clown jumpsuit. "Kneel down." I did, and got some nice pics of his bare soles....one of which is still my screen-saver. And there was an odor which I didn't mind at all. I left the camera at my side and started sucking his sick toes. "Holy Fuck! Nobody has ever done that to me. You are a keeper, kid. Better stop now or I'll jack off all over us." I dropped his foot and lied down next to him. ...shoulder to shoulder. "Thank you, Mr. Clown." He chuckled/ "Call me Reggie. Reginald. You can'r report that. What's your name?" "Scott." "Well, Scotty. I need to fuck and I need to cum. Bad!" "Yeah." "I guess you'll let me fuck you, right?" "Oh HELL yes!" And then it was a blur of heat and skin. His heavily made up face was right over mine. I could smell his breath and the makeup. That stuff on his face smelled like art class in grade school. He was a big guy who I let pull my pants down. He worked quickly. I basically gave him permission to rape me. And he tried. But his meat couldn't push in at first. I disappointed both of us. "You're too small for me." I wanted this so much. "Take me. Rape me...like you did that bitch." What the hell was I saying??? "I'm going to have to. It won't last long. Breathe in and out. Again. When you breathe out the second time, nod your head. I did. And then he ripped me in half with that sword nature had given him. I yelped for a few seconds. He leaned down and covered my mouth with his. Hid hips thrust quickly. It felt like my insides were useless now, broken and ruined. "Relax, Scotty. It's almost....AHHH...Here's my cum!" I didn't feel his dirty seed shoot inside of me. but my hands were on his butt and I felt the energy leave his body and release. He stabbed it a few more times. "Shit, yeah." The middle of my body felt sore, like I'd been punched. My ass was on fire. "That was amazing, Reggie." "Oh, man. I came so much...you got the deluxe load. Got any more film left?" Huh? "I think there's a few more frames. Why?" "Because I'm pretty sure my dick and crotch are covered with your blood. Don't you want a shot of that?" Oh God, yes. I painfully got up and took some last photos. In the flare of the flash, my blood looked so red and so bright. Was I going to bleed to death? "It's getting colder. How long into the year do you do this?" "I just started last April. I always planned to make Halloween night the last one. But now...." "But now what?" "I think I'm done. After this, I don't need anything more." Wait....was he serious? "Get dressed and come back to my place. I'm right across the street. In The Newbern." "You want to walk in there with a dude wearing a clown outfit? A dude who just raped you?" "There's a stripper and two drug dealers on my floor. Everybody minds their own business." So I took the 'Killer Clown" home. We showered together and I finally got to see his natural look. Pale, curly hair and not much of a chin. I thought he was beautiful. Perfect. I was carrying his child now. We ended up being exactly what the other needed. To this day, I still sometimes call him 'my big clown'.
  15. Moderator's Note: I posted a copy of this without the white background below, if this is hard for you to read. Please leave your votes here for Toon. (late 70's, Georgetown) I was a "latchkey hid" before that term was even invented. I went to school each day with a key held around my neck through a long shoelace. Mom worked at a dry-cleaner and came home tired and smelling of the chemicals they used. Our crooked, little house smelled like those chemicals mixed with cigarette smoke. Mom never smoked until after my dad took off and left us. I wish I remembered more about him -- all I can picture now is a bum, which is my mom always referred to him. If I wanted money for a record or a poster, Mom always said " Go find your bum of a father and ask him for money." I wondered if my father looked like the hobos I's seen in cartoons. Did his clothes have patches on them and did he carry a stick with a rag tied to the end? Did he eat food out of cans by a small bonfire? I was 10 years old and alone most of the time. I was a quiet kid who took everything so seriously....well not quite. I didn't always listen to Mom's instructions. She demanded that I start in my homework as soon as I got home from school. She especially didn't want me wandering off or getting in danger. We lived near the river. The Potomac. You could smell it from my front porch. Kids drowned there every Summer...or so Mom said. No parent would ever say "Go ahead and hang out there." But lots of kids went anyway. It was cool and green down there...and interesting. At least I thought so. There were so many little foot paths leading from the street down to the river. I would wander down there when I was feeling brave. I knew to look out for boards with nails sticking out. I knew to watch for "trampers" -- tramps who would settle along the grassy banks. They were traveling up and down the river, looking for a break in life. I'd see them begging on the street sometimes...and I wondered what stories they had to tell. They usually had long beards and smoked cigarette butts off the ground. Mom said that most of them had escaped from prison and would try to kill me. I doubted that. So I was walking along the river one early September day. School had started, but it was still hot. Once school started, Summer was over in my mind. We were learning to memorize all the presidents in order. My class had been instructed to memorize lots of things - state capitols, The Gettysburg address, lots of shit. So I stared down at the muddy path and ticked off the first twelve presidents in my head. I always got stuck after 12. There was a spot near here that was legendary...The Three Sisters. They were just big boulders in the river...supposedly haunted or something. Older teen guys used to go swimming there. I guess they just showing their bravery or something. Tempting fate. I just knew that there was a shady hidden place in the weeds where I could watch them...their broad, bare shoulders and deep tans. They yelled and said cuss words and I wished so bad that they would get naked. I knew better than to go into the water there. The Potomac was calm and still as a skating rink. But, underneath, there were swift whorls and currents that could drag you under. The three sisters wanted some company. I understood that, I guess. I believed in ghosts back then -- which made this more thrilling. I doubted the sisters wanted someone like me. I was nobody. I was nothing. Going further up river, the paths were less distinct. I would be in so much trouble if Mom knew I was out this far. But I did it all the time, daring myself to go a little further each day. I found a baseball once. It was practically new...just a greenish black scuff that looked a little like a screaming face. I also saw a used doctor's needle, and made a long step away from it. At one point there were no paths anymore. I just threaded through the thick trunks of the water-loving trees. Mom never got home before 7. I had time to keep going. Then I saw a long bank of short weeds...and there was a small group of 'bums'. Maybe I'd find Dad. They looked dirty and a few of them had their shirts off. I watched from a little shady hiding spot. They cussed a lot. One guy who was tall and had a full beard took off his pants and went into the water. I saw his bare butt, and I had a feeling. He didn't go out far into the battleship gray water. Maybe he was just getting a bath. He came back up to the shore and I saw his wiener...another feeling. They passed a bottle of what I knew was alcohol. A few more got naked and went for a quick swim. I watched their nakedness and listened to their laughter and dirty talk from my hiding spot. What would happen if they saw me? Would they kill me? I doubted it. But I didn't want to chance it. The shadows were getting longer and I knew I should head for home. I walked past the The Three Sisters and the teen boys horsing around. By the time I got home, Mom was already there. Uh oh. "Where you been, Benjamin?" "Just walking and trying to memorize the presidents in order." "I made tuna salad. A lot of it. We'll have sandwiches for dinner. Go wash your hands." It was my fault. I went to my friend Kenny's house the other day and his mom gave us tuna salad sandwiches. I asked Mom if she could make it, and she certainly did. A big plastic tub of it that would be around for a long time. I suddenly didn't want it anymore. The next day, I was so overwhelmed with thoughts that were strange and exotic. An idea was forming. Those guys were so thin and probably hungry. I could go make a bunch of sandwiches and take them to the hobos. Maybe they'd be my friends. Maybe. Something else was in my motives, but I didn't know what it was. So I got home and opened a new loaf of Sunbeam bread and made eleven sandwiches with that tuna salad. I put them in a big brown bag from the grocery store. I was focused on the Potomac hobos, but one of the beggars on M Street looked so thin and unhappy, that I gave him one of the sandwiches. He was gaunt and looked near starvation. How can anybody be hungry with all the food we had in this town?? It made no sense. The temps were in the mid-80's that day. Warm for this time of year. The gnats were thick around the three-foot tall weeds. There I was... a stupid kid, carrying a bag of sandwiches to a bunch of hobos who might murder me. But probably wouldn't. Mom always told me I had no common sense..just like my bum of a father. Maybe I didn't. I saw the crowd of trampers in the same spot as the day before. Weren't they supposed to be tramping, traveling, moving on? Maybe they heading South, following the last of Summer heat. Then I had second thoughts. This was kind of dumb. I could leave now, but what would I do with the sandwiches? I couldn't throw them away because I was always taught that wasting food was a sin. These guys needed food....maybe I could just leave it nearby. Too late. One of them saw me. "Hey. You there. What you doin' here?" I was busted. Just a dumb kid carrying tuna sandwiches. The guy who saw me was a large black man, wearing only wet jeans. I had to do this. "Hi. I'm Ben. I saw you guys the other day and thought you might like some food." I held the bag in front of me like it was a white flag. "Perfect timing, kid. What you got?" I handed the bag to the nearest bum guy. "It's tuna salad sandwiches. It's pretty good. My mom made it." I was surrounded by men with no shirts on, some black and some white. One guy had no clothes on whatsoever, with his big penis dangling between his legs like a Christmas ornament. Short, tall, hairy, smooth...they all reached in the bag and devoured what I'd brought. "Well, thank you, little man." The others mumbled thanks as well. I sat on the ground with them as they ate. One guy who was covered with red fur offered me a sip from his bottle, but I didn't take one. One smell of that on me and Mom would go ballistic. My dad was a drinker according to her. "I need to go home now. It was nice meeting you." "Okay. Cool. Come back any time. You're our friend now." Mom could barely believe I'd eaten all the tuna salad. She believed I'd consumed all that. "I'll make more next time. You are a growing boy and I knew you'd find an appetite eventually. I guess we'll have hamburgers tonight." One image I'd always have of Mom was of her frying ground beef patties with a cigarette in her mouth. I kept taking whatever food I could find in the house to the new friends I had made. I took the big jar of chunky peanut butter my mom had bought on sale. I spent my allowance on beef jerky and Fritos to bring these men. It wasn't long before I was one of them. I knew their names and was used to their nudity at times...but I still looked. Then it got colder and the trampers moved on. Damn weather. But there more of them each Summer. New hungry friends. Once I became a teenager, I stopped wandering along the river. I just wrote horrible poetry in my room and sulked...constantly. Mom was so fed up with me. (late 80's, Georgetown) I graduated and went to a really shitty community college. It was a long, one-story building that looked like a strip mall. It was only ten blocks from home. Mom had gotten older and those dry-cleaning chemicals had gotten to her. She coughed constantly and lost weight. I look back now and wish I'd been a better son. I was just too involved with my own brain. I was gay and had no idea what to do about it. The counselor at my school suggested I try an anti-depressant. No thanks. I wore my depression like a comfortable sweater. He didn't seem to understand me. How was this guy even qualified? "You need to think of others. Go outside of your head." "Like how? Work in a soup kitchen or something?" "That tone of yours -- lose it. Now. Volunteer for something. Be selfless. Spending all your time alone is not going to get you anywhere...not personally or professionally." He dug through his messy desk and found a folder of places that were always needing volunteers. "Now, I wouldn't recommend "Big Brothers"...they won't accept gay men. No getting around that, I'm afraid." Had I told him I was gay...or had he just guessed -- like Mom had. She was accepting as long as I didn't tell her anything about it. I took the folder home and went through the papers. I figured I could go pick up litter or bring food to old people. There were several places that seemed particularly in need of money and people....the free clinic, the AIDS hospice, and the AIDS outreach program seemed the most desperate. I knew from watching TV and reading the paper that this disease was pretty prevalent along the East coast now. I knew about it, knew how you got it. It was scary, but I was too involved with my own dark thoughts to think much about the outside world. I decided to avoid anything that involved patients. I wanted to avoid needles, pee and poop smells. The next afternoon I went to check out AIDS Outreach. It was in a pretty run-down building not far from me. It looked deserted from the sidewalk, but this was the right address. The door wasn't locked, but it was kind of dim inside. Then I met "Filly". "Hi. Can I help you?" A very effeminate young man greeted me. "Hi. I'm Ben. I came here to volunteer." I purposely tried to make my voice deeper. I didn't give off the gay vibe like that, did I? He introduced himself as 'Filly' which could have also been "Philly", short for "Phillip" possibly. I didn't ask. "Sorry it's so dark. We desperately need new fluorescent tubes. Got any money on you? Just kidding honey. Here, fill out this application. Application? To work for free? Whatever. I filled out the page and gave it to Filly. "Thanks, Sweetie. We just need your contact information. Are you gay?" "Um. What? Yeah. Why?" "Just checking. We sometimes get bible-thumpers show up and all they want to do for people is go tell them to accept Jesus. I swear." "What do you need me to do?" "I'll give you a quick lesson...we try to stem the tidal wave of new cases. I like your shirt, by the way. Our volunteers go to where the most vulnerable people are. We hand out condoms and pamphlets and tell them where to go for testing. We sometimes go and give talks at schools, but not that often. Our main focus is the front line. Get to those most at risk." "OK. When do I start?" "Well, I would say 'right now', but you have nice clothes on, and you look clean and shaved. You'll be going to some filthy places and sometimes the people there don't trust us right away. You have to change first...and put on a baseball cap if you have one. Then you can go out to K Street. Wait. No. That's a rough part of town and I'll send Peaches there. She outweighs you by about a hundred pounds and carries a knife. Sammy is already at the park with the hookers, which leaves you with the river. There are a lot of homeless man down there. They are mobile. If we can get to them before they pick up the virus and spread it, we're doing our job. But you really have to change. Don't wear good shoes. Those guys shit wherever and you don't want to step in that." "OK. I'll do it." My old haunt by the river. Filly gave me a plastic bag with rubbers and information cards. I didn't feel like changing clothes. I mean, anyone who didn't know to look down and watch where they walked had no business going anywhere. I stopped at a dumpy little convenience store and spent all the money I had on snacks, jerky and sodas. These guys had to fight hunger before they could fight anything else. It all came back to me as I went down the weed-choked hill. It was the same. The same shades of green and gray. The Potomac flowed silently by, waiting to claim victims and cause grief. My guess was enough drownings had happened that kids no longer found it thrilling. Finally. I found a neat little path that had most likely been made by the bums or the vagabonds or whatever they were called now. I sensed them before I saw The Three Sisters. Hello again, ladies.Then I heard talking. Already? They were never this close, but sure enough, the guys were here already. Goofing around a sharing a bottle -- as if no time had passed in a decade. There about six men...looking exactly like the friends I'd made here as a boy. Except I wasn't spying this time...I was volunteering. I just approached the and said, "Hi guys! Nice day, huh?" They stared and sized me up. "Whatchoo want here, boy?", a hillbilly-looking guy asked. "I brought you some lunch. Hungry?" I opened the bag of food and they hesitated only seconds before tearing into it. Everything was gone in a flash. One of them kept an eye on me. "What's in the other bag?", the suspicious guy asked. He was wearing overalls with the legs cut off into shorts. No shirt on underneath and no shoes. All of them were barefoot. I guess they needed to save their shoes for all the traveling. "Well..um...I also brought some things you might want. Or need. Condoms." I had no idea what their reaction would be. The overalls guy walked right up to me and stared me down. Oh shit. "Condoms? Like rubbers? You think we all out here fucking each other??" "No. Not at all. I just...well..I know they're expensive to buy...and...well." "Why? Do you want us to fuck you in the ass?!" He seemed mad for some reason. "No. Look, I just thought I'd offer. I'll go now." The river was dangerous in so many ways, but I had never feared it as much as I did now. . "Goddamn, Sully. Leave the kid alone. He's good people." A large bear-like man had spoke up. "Nah. I'm just jokin' him, Yawman. I'm jus' jokin' you, boy. Matter of fact, we corn-hole each other sometimes. It's not gay, it's just survival. Except Yawman...he's too proper. Plus his meat is too big for nobody to go near." The others laughed and the big Yawman looked down at the ground. "Lemme see those rubbers." I opened the bag and handed Sully a dozen plastic-wrapped condoms. This was uncomfortable. "What the fuckin' hell? Are these for little baby dicks?" "They're standard size...they stretch." "Hey guys -- look at these mini-rubbers the kid brought us! Let's see if they fit." He opened the fly of his overalls and let his dick hang loose. "Open it for me, boy." I had no experience with condoms, but I knew enough. I opened them all for the group. They all dropped their jeans and shorts (except for big Yawman). They laughed and tried to fit them on their soft dicks. I should have mentioned that a penis needs to be erect first, but I was too busy looking at all those genitals. They guffawed at how the condoms could barely fit on their soft, hat heads. "Yawman would need five times this size, right dude?" The big guy kept looking at his big, bare feet."Take that giant thing out...this'll be funny as shit." Yawman looked at the others and sighed. He dropped his filthy jeans, and showed the biggest, hardest cock on Earth. Sully walked over and held the new rubber up to the guy's hard-on. That drew laughs from the bunch. The big man looked at me with an embarrassed expression. He brought his jeans back up on his hips. "Well...use them if you need to. I'll come back next week if you're still here." Yawman finally spoke. "Nope. We're headed South tomorrow. But come tonight....we're having a bonfire and getting drunk. Come back after dark and bring booze if you have any." I saw a tiny flash in his dark brown eyes. Why was he homeless? He could speak well and would be so handsome if shaved the beard and cleaned up a little. I could see him as a senator or an attorney. And....and that dick! I had no idea they were made that big. I felt my own dick getting stiff as I walked home. The Three Sisters mocked my boner. I swear I could hear ghosts laughing. Or it was the wind. I got home and Mom was making dinner for us and her new boyfriend. He was an old guy with a gut and a love for whiskey. I wondered why she'd go for another alcoholic, but she was lonely. "Go wash up. Benjamin. We're having pork roast tonight. It's Winston's favorite. You look sun-burned. Be ready in ten minutes." It was a sad dinner. This Winston guy was loaded and nodding off while he chewed. They'd be going to bed early. And they did. I read "Junkie" by William S. Burroughs until the sun went down. The house was quiet except for the snoring from Mom's room. I snuck into the kitchen and found an almost full bottle of brown liquor. I assumed it was whiskey. There was a crow on the label. I raided the fridge for leftovers and put it all in a bag. I had a party to attend! The moon was pretty full and unobstructed by clouds. The night air was alive with the sound of insects and bats.My hometown had never seemed so energized before. I felt like I was barely touching the ground as I walked down to the river. I was on auto-pilot. The moon glowing off the river's surface was downright beautiful. It was okay for me to be here. I had only one word in my mind: Yawman. It didn't take long before I saw the yellow=orange glow of a fire along the bank. The guys had started the farewell party. The gang was there, standing around and passing a bottle...laughing and cussing. Yawmen was at the far left. I just went up and stood next to him. He grinned...and I noticed he was missing a few teeth on the bottom. I handed him the bag of booze and food. The bottle was more important to them than the food. I even took a few sips myself. It was a party after all. I felt a little drunk. I couldn't hoot and holler with the abandon these guys did, so Yawman and I made small talk. "Thanks for coming out tonight. I was hoping you would." "Where are you headed next?" I missed him already. "Who knows? Sully hasn't even decided if which direction we're going to go. September is a tricky time. There's more day work up north, but it will get cold soon. I'd rather be warm. My health ain't that great. I get tired and weak way sooner these days. And I got these sores appearin' on my stomach and legs. Look, there's one on my big toe." Sure enough, there was a raised reddish-purple spot on his massive foot. It looked ominous in the dancing light from the fire. "Well, you probably need better food or vitamins or something." He chuckled. "Or something is right. I bet it's cancer. My dad died of it when I was little, and then my sister got it. You can't change the hand your dealt. The bottle is coming around again. I'm partied out, but you should have some more." I'd do anything he asked. "Okay, but not too much more. I don't drink." "Good for you, Ben. Look at these guys. They're getting wasted. Question is -- are they going to fall into the fire or go start fucking first." The crowd had kind of dispersed. "Is it really true that you guys have sex with each other?" "Yup. This is a crazy,horny bunch. I never get to fuck anybody because of my size, but I've been on the receiving end lots of times...ever since I took to the road at 17. I'm dying to fuck somebody." "Wow." I had nothing to add. We just watched the flames until it was just us left. There was a splashing sound. Somebody had decided to go for a swim. Dumb. "I need to lie down for a little bit. Want to come with me?" God, yes I did. "I got a nice flat space staked out a few yards from here. We'll still get some light from the flames." He showed me his 'bedroom', which was a pile of blankets and what looked like an old sofa cushion.He'd flattened the weeds and grass pretty well with his big body. "This is peaceful." "Yeah. I don't like all the bug bites I wake up with. Most of them sleep closer to the ban, but there's something about that river I don't trust." I told him about The Three Sisters. "I grew up here and have heard the tale since I can remember. The sisters want company." Yawman was still standing, towering over me. "You've lived here your whole life?" "Yeah. I've never been more than a hundred miles from this time." "Have you ever kissed a man? Would you want to?" He laid one of his big warm hands on my shoulder. I could see the bright moon over his head. It was so full that the surrounding stars shrunk away from it respectfully. "No. And yes, I want to kiss you." Yawman paused for s few seconds and then leaned down and lightly touched my lips with his. Delicate and warm. I wrapped my arms around his waist and gave the signal to keep going. Flames went up my spine, and I wanted him to consume me. It got hotter as we kissed and tongued each other like two carp. I felt my right hand slip loose and grope the crotch of his jean shorts. It was large, hard and heavy -- like he was stashing an engine part down there. "This is a bad idea, Ben." "Really? I think it's the best idea I've ever had." I knelt at his feet and pulled his shorts down. His inhumanly large dick jutted straight out and hit me in the forehead. I had no idea what I was doing now, but something was guiding my actions. Maybe the sisters were directing me. I put my mouth over the large knob at the end of his penis. He tasted and smelled like the river. The head was hard, but also soft in a way I can't really describe. I knew what to do...I had to take more of it...his gently thrusting hips told me as much.I opened wide and tried to swallow more of him. I thought I was doing pretty well. I loved it. This could all end now and I've have so much to remember and relive. He touched a wide hand to my cheek. The skin was tough, but you could tell there was soft underneath. Like the skin on pineapple leaves. "Oh yeah. Just like that, Baby. Can you go a little deeper?" How? I already was having trouble breathing. But he insisted that meat farther toward the back of my throat. He hit a spot where I thought I'd vomit. I gagged and eased off a little. "Sorry. I got carried away. Want to stop?" I breathed in some fast gulps of air. "I don't ever want to stop." He chuckled. "Good. Let me lie down and stretch out a little." Tall people are impressive when they're standing, but somehow even more impressive when horizontal. I resumed sucking him. "Wait. I'll come pretty soon. Do you want to swallow it?" I made agreeable noises and nodded my head. "Or maybe..." I sat up. "What?" "You're probably not up to it, but I'd really like to fuck your little ass." His voice was quiet and deep...coming deep from within his rib cage. Like fucking? Like butt fucking? Actual? Fuck? I was suddenly in way over my head. But I wanted it anyway. I wanted this man to get what he'd really been wanting for so long. It might destroy me, but I didn't seem to mind that idea. We're all going to die someday, and Yawman was worth the risk. "I want that, but I have no idea how it works." The flame light faintly danced across his bare legs and hard dick. "Just take off your clothes, your pants. And then try to sit down on it." I felt wildly overdressed. Underwear, socks...like I was going to class or church or something. I was standing there naked in the weeds, getting ready to have sex for the first time. My ass felt very small and impossibly tight as I looked at his boner. This was never going to work. I knelt down and and straddled his giant thighs. I needed encouragement or just plain courage as looked at his shadowy face. "Yawman....I've never...I mean...I just..." "You just need to relax is what you just need to do. It won't be easy, but you need to loosen up right now. This is going to happen now. I'm counting on it. No backing out." I discovered you can't force yourself to relax. You either are or you aren't. I decided to just adore his body for a little. He needed spoiling in the worst way. I saw the weird bruises on his legs. They didn't look weird, but they had a texture that made me realize these were symptoms of AIDS. Yawman had it. I guess I knew already. I moved down and felt that lesion on his toe. It was fine. I was asking for this. I gave him a slow foot massage. The skin on his soles was even rougher than his hands.Traveling Man. He had a lot of mileage on these big feet. He needed special treatment from somebody in this world. "That feels soooo nice! But you're just getting my dick harder, Ben. I'm getting close." It was time. I had to go through with this. "Okay. Please go slow." I felt that famous head hit my hole. No way would that thing ever fit inside. I lingered there a little and Yawman got impatient and tried to push me down on his crotch...not harshly, but with some force. DAMN! It felt like I'd been stabbed! The pain was unbearable and there was no way I could do this...as much as I thought I wanted to. "I'm in. It'll feel better before you know it. Just stay still and don't yell too loud. We don't need an audience." No. I needed to stand up. "I can't do this, Yawman. You can come in my mouth if you want." He looked at me with an expression that was unreadable in the moonlight and the dying flames. "Please? I have wanted to do this for so long. Please?" I checked my brain for something to say. I could leave and miss this chance forever. "Well...if you want this that much...you need to take charge here. I need you to do the work." He stood up fast and wrapped me in his arms. We kissed deeply and the river water splashed around in skull. "OK, Ben. I was saving that as a last resort, but we'll do it now." He forced me down on my back. I felt some of the weeds on my spine. I can't believe I was requesting to be raped by a man with AIDS. This is just how life works... If I'd ever been drowned in the Potomac, I'd be dead by now anyway. "Ow. There's a rock under my tailbone." He just dropped on top of me, and his weight took the wind out of me. "Keep your mind on that rock. When we're done, you can get rid of it." He pushed down and spread my legs apart with his heft. It wasn't long before he was prodding me again with that giant dick. It went through easier this time, but he wanted to go in further, go deeper inside. I yelled. He put that big rough hand over my mouth. "Hush, baby. You wanted this, remember? I'm so close now." He kept going in and I couldn't help but scream in pain. I remember being a little kid and having vaccinations. I cried my eyes out then, and this pain was worse. I'm sure I was bleeding. I looked up into his dark bearded face and saw those eyes. I did indeed ask for this. I did want to spoil him. I stopped whimpering as he started moaning and got into the fucking pace he'd wanted. My ass was ruined, but I didn't care at this point. I was having sex! A big man was having sex with me! He removed his hand from my mouth. "Thank you for doing it this way, Yawman. I love it." "Yeah. I...I'm ...going to come inside you now.....ughhhh....FUCK!... Yeah!!!!" Maybe it was just my imagination, but I swear I could feel that sperm gush into my being. I was officially infected now. I was happily doomed. He rolled off of me and gasped the night air. "Was that good?" "Fuck yeah it was. Thank you, Ben. I need you to be with me every night." "I love you." That was probably not even correct, but it's what came out of my mouth. He chuckled lightly. "I love you too, kid. But I'm moving out in a few hours. This will always be special to me, though." "But you could stay. I could help you get housing, help you get a job. If that doesn't work, you can come live in my house. I can't lose you." "Nah. I need to move..." He was getting drowsy. "Or I can quit school and get a job. We could get our own place. An apartment or something." "Shhh. We'll talk about it later. I need to sleep now. Shhh. Come snuggle with me." I put my head on his chest and listened to his heartbeat and his breathing. He was out. I was wildly awake. I stayed there until the sky started to barely brighten. I planned on staying until he woke up, but I was restless and needed to walk or something. I stood and felt a hard ache in my stomach...and below. It took me a few seconds to walk steadily. I left my clothes because I'd be back for them. I liked the idea of being nude on the bank of the river. I should have at least put my shoes on...this was no place to be barefoot. Oh well -- I'd stay close to the soft, muddy shore. I kept my eyes down and watched where I stepped. The sun woke up and helped me see better. While glancing down, I saw there was a ton of dried blood on my legs and ankles. It was like a horror movie. I needed to clean this off before Yawman saw me again. I could rinse it off in the river. I wouldn't go far....just far enough to get clean. The water was warmer than I would have guessed. The surface was calm, but the currents were strong down there. I was involuntarily dragged out farther. No big deal. I never learned to swim, but I could dog-paddle. One quick under-current spun me around. That was bad....I should go back to the shore. But I could no longer tell what direction I was looking out. Now I was scared. I remember the panic, and then I was sucked below the surface. The quickness of it caught me unprepared, and I had no air in my lungs. Another flow pushed me down to the bottom. You can't cough underwater...if you try, the water goes into your mouth and nose. Shit. I was weak against the water and tried to fight for my life. I vomited up river water and that only made me open for more. And then...and then there was no fight left. I was just looking around at the murky gray-green water. It was interesting. I no longer needed air. I could just go explore and find The Three Sisters. Nobody knew what they looked like under the water. The sun was fully up. It reached me below the water...and got very bright. White light with every color of the spectrum within. I could tell Yawman about this sight. I loved him and wanted to make him stay. Then there no more thoughts...just light.

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