HIV Risk From Topping Advise?

[scorpio40]

First I'm married and don't fool around that often but have been exploring a little later in life. So on 8/18 Sunday just gone, I had a few drinks, I decided to go to a sex club in LA, have look, did the walk around, got into the vibe, saw some nice guys, had my dick sucked a couple of time but never cum.  Saw this older latin dude 40's walking around too, he was dad looking, handsome & tidy, we got into it made out for while, wanked and sucked each other, heat of the moment stuff, no words exchanged.  I'm worked up about to blow and he pulls out the poppers hits me with them, sends me whirling, he hits them and turns around and bends over grabs my cock and pushes it against his hole and pushes back on me and I slide in as he's well lubed up. It surprised me, it all happened fast, it wasn't rough, just regular pumping and I was worked ready to cum anyhow and it couldn't be more than two minutes and I blew inside him.  I don't know why I didn't put on a condom on & I'm down on myself as I didn't even ask him if he was neg or poz, so I have no idea. Stupidly, I just kissed said see ya, went and washed my cock off clean and gargled some oral rinse as well and left. I've been reading up the last 48 hours online about all stats and thoughts, it's worrying, even when it's short, single event unprotected anal sex and even as an average cut top, I know there is risk for exposure from fluids, the urthrea etc ... you know the rest.  I don't usually have unprotected sex, only oral and not that often, even thats a worry for me as my lower gum was a bit sore as my back wisdom tooth is giving me shit. Dumb play I guess and probably not a good day to decide to go to this club.  Since then I've had some bad anxiety,  I know I slipped up and like any lusting guy, just got into the moment too much and didn't check myself ...probably as I'd had may too many drinks. I'm still active with the wife, so I have to navigate this carefully as she doesn't now and I don't want to put her at risk and I will get tested. There is a few more experienced guys on this site than me so thoughts, advise is appreciated.   Thanks!

[spermy71]

Hey Scorpio,

I'd say there's good news and there's bad news.  The good news is that you are unlikely to get something on a single incident.  I've been to bathhouses multiple times, and I don't think I've ever gotten anything there, even though I've been an unprotected bottom.  As a top you are at a significantly lower risk.  The last study I heard suggested 1/5th the chance for the top compared to the bottom.  That said, as bad news, in the past year, I've had to be treated for HPV in the throat and ass, and I've had gonorrhoea and syphilis.  Some of those are harder to diagnose in women, and some have worse effects on women's bodies.  Also, the fact that the guy could take you so fast and was so lubed means that likely the lube was someone else's cum.  While that's hot (to me and to a lot of guys), it's a bigger risk. 

Personally, playing raw with other guys is not something that is optional for me.  If I have periods of time when I can't for whatever reason, I feel like life is not worth living.  For others it can be more optional.  You're going to want to choose how you proceed based on how important this is for you.  Can you realistically keep yourself away from this in the future?  Or is this a part of you that can't be denied?

The only way to keep your wife from any risk is to avoid having sex with her for a few weeks to a month, then get tested.  If you're determined to keep this from her, I'm not sure what you tell her to explain your abstinence.  If this part of you can't be denied, you have to have some communication with her.  It's a hard conversation, but "honey, I feel like I need to play outside our marriage to feel fulfilled" is a lot easier than "honey, I just gave you the clap", and nothing compared to "honey, I just gave you HIV".

It's just good planning to try to find someone to play with who plays a bit less.  It seems worth the time to find a more regular fuck buddy compared to playing at the bathhouse with a cumdump bottom like me (or your friend) who's already loaded.  If you need it to be anonymous, you might keep it to blowjobs?  Maybe your bathhouse has one of those ramps where the tops go up and the bottoms go down so that the cocksuckers don't have to kneel?  That way you could make sure one of us sneaky bottoms doesn't back up on you...

As far as asking if he is neg or poz, it's largely irrelevant.  If the guy who sat right down on your cock is negative, it's most likely because he's on PrEP.  If he thinks he's negative and he's not on PrEP, he's likely newly poz and highly contagious.  Likely a guy who is poz and has known for a long time is managing it with meds and is not contagious at all.  But there are people who are poz and have a high viral load.  And then there are guys who would lie to you in either direction, and a ton who don't know.  And there is the status of the lube in his ass that is likely someone else's cum, and there's no way to ask about that.  You're really concerned about the viral load, and this is just not something that you can assess with a one-word question.

In your situation, getting on PrEP yourself makes sense, as this is the one that your wife is least likely to forgive you for giving her. If you can't PrEP up and have to be absolutely safe, you are mostly OK with just getting blowjobs, and maybe sucking a bit not to completion.  For me sex doesn't count unless his cum goes inside me, so this isn't an option, and I have to be open about who I am and what I need. I wish you all the best in figuring out how to navigate this.