Online ghosting

[InsatiableSub]

I'm a middle-aged gay man, been married, divorced, four kids, came out in life very late, like 4 years ago, to my family. I suppressed my true nature for a long time while leading a double life of hookups and one-night stands. From my discussions with other gay men my age, my life history is pretty common. Anyway, I'm not looking for pity or commentary on all that, it's water under the bridge. I need advice.

Following an amicable divorce and finally being on my own, I jumped right in to the gay "lifestyle". I'm a bottom so you can imagine what that means. I said and did everything I could to get fucked. I was on every gay hookup site including CL (RIP) every single day trying to get guys to fuck me. I was totally indiscriminate. There's a downward spiral here that's kind of hard to describe but basically I promised to do anything, be anything, and submit to anything as long as I could get fucked.

This was all bareback, of course (I still do). During that time, I developed an HIV fetish, haven't been able to shake it but so far I have managed to keep it as a fantasy. I met a lot of guys into a lot of things and submitted to all of them. Some of it I enjoyed, some of it I'm ashamed of, but there it is. The problem is, and the reason that I'm asking for advice, is that I did meet a handful of nice guys during that time. One of them is on this site, I know his username but he won't recognize mine because I've burned through dozens over the years on as many sites, trying to hook up and present myself as being receptive to whatever scene or fetish other guys were into.

I'm more stable now, I have a better grip on what I want in a relationship, in FWB, in casual sex, or whatever. I don't need to pretend to what I'm not and I'd really like to get together with some of those guys I felt comfortable with but I'm not sure how to do it.  I ghosted each of them over a period of time because I was spiraling downward and didn't think they'd be into all the things I thought I'd be into.

Should I try to contact any of them?

[ErosWired]

That’s tricky.

My backstory is very similar to yours, and when I finally took my first step into the same-sex world at 37, I felt a strong need to make up for lost time. Like you, I submitted to men who desired degrading sex acts because I felt I had to get experience from those willing to give it to someone like me.

The difference between our experiences, however, is that I have had only two usernames the entire time, and only changed after a major shift from being an owned submissive to being unowned. I have maintained the integrity of my identity regardless of who was using me, or how - there are now hundreds of men out there who could see my profile on an app, point it out to their buddy, and say, “I had him.” And they could have me again any time they choose just by contacting me, because they know I’m reliable and they know I deliver. I do what I say I will do.

You tell us that you have cycled through so many usernames that no one would recognize who you are now. (I assume all the changes were from trying to find names that would appeal to a specific practice or fetish, or on a particular app, to maximize your chances of getting fucked.) You also tell us that you ghosted several men you had developed contacts with - that implies that you did so intentionally for whatever reason you had at the time. The effect of all this is that you have no positive reputation to draw upon.

Based on your account, it’s also possible that you could have some negative reputation to contend with. You do face a problem in reconnecting with these men you speak of in that if you go in with “Hi, remember me?” If they do remember, they may remember you as the jerk who ghosted them - not the best footing on which to resume.

You could approach them as though you assumed they had forgotten about you - which, candidly, is entirely likely - and then if they recognize you later on, simply say, “You know, I thought you seemed familiar.” Where it goes from that point is a matter of finesse.

The broader question that comes to my mind in reading your question, however, is to what degree you’re still the same desperately hungry/needy bottom that you describe yourself as having been. You say you’re more stable now, but what you described didn’t sound stable at all. Being more stable than that can still leave a lot of room for instability. I mention this only because it bears directly on the answer to your question: Should you try to reconnect with these men whom you ghosted. We have to ask, what is the chance, having successfully hooked up again, that you might re-ghost them?

You describe your ‘downward spiral’ in the past tense, but it’s unclear how recent that past is, or in what way you’re now no longer the kind of man willing to do anything for cock. If you feel that you’ve hit some watershed that’s ‘brought you to your senses’, or simply reached a point of saturation in which you feel you no longer have to pursue sex that abjectly, then I would understand you feeling more stable, and would suggest that contacting men you had had positive experience with is not out of the question, though you might have to do some explaining, and you should be prepared for rejection on the basis of the past.

If your sense of stability is more like a feeling of just becoming more accustomed to and comfortable in the kind of lifestyle you had been leading, then I would discourage you from contacting them. If you just want to tap them for sex again and there’s a chance you’ll re-ghost them later, leave them alone.

 If you’re uncertain what to do, ask yourself: Did you choose InsatiableSub as an identity, or a nametag? Will it still be the name you use in six months?