Sharing some thoughts

[Omnivac]

Since nobody really knows about my sexuality, I am making this post here that it's okay to be gay :)

I'm not that experienced with sex (compared to what I'm reading here). I have fucked with hmm.. 10 guys? But 1 of them was my ex and we had been fucking for years. Lately I noticed that looking for hook ups is not appealing anymore for me. I am horny, I get connected but no.. people there feel like sex driven zombies. Some of them say they are "tops" but they don't fuck they just want mutual jerk-off, people who claim that are vers they just wanna get fucked. I also don't enjoy online dating. It's way more intriguing when it's someone that you already know. When I look at someone that I like my heart beats fast and I feel a rush. I never get that from online dating, it's boring. But when I see someone that makes me feel this rush oh damn I feel alive. Even if I don't get what I want (since by 99,9% he is someone straight) this rush is rewarding.

I also came to realise that most people have dark secrets. Through all these posts I understand that there are people with STDs or do things that could cause harm in an attempt to receive maximum pleasure (using substances or doing anything dangerous). I would like to be trusted by my patients. To make them feel that I'm not judging, just helping.

Am I having a thing for "forbidden" affairs. I was in love with a married guy. Yeah right, get a line someone would say. But he was also a professor of my university. But I was also in love with my god mother's son. That was the most forbidden love I've ever felt. He's 4 years older than me, straight and getting ready to marry (that's my assumption because he has a gf for many years). I always tried to impress him. When I was a kid I learned how to swim only to follow him when he went away from the shore. When he sat the exams for the university he scored very well, I struggled my way through, to be as good as he was and succeeded in medical school. He would be proud no matter what. But I can't help but thinking if he still has a place for me in his heart.

A last thing. Technically I'm educated about safe sex practices, I encourage people to use condom, warn them about the hazards of not using one and pretty much I'm saying what every doctor says. Yet I can't help but finding arousing bareback sex. This mixture of fear, agony and lust is just too good.