Omnivac

I'm shy to express them in public. I know many siblings who aren't like us. They barely talk when they reach adulthood and we still act like kids. Yes my feelings are not sexual but still. I was glad that I could love him like that because it means that I can be friends with a guy without my "gay side" meddling. It's just that people like to judge. If I kiss him I have to be gay, if we sleep together we're [banned word] or something etc etc. He doesn't know how he feels that's the problem. I told him that it hurts me that we're like that. He said that he feels awful but he still loves me.

I think your comment is really giving me food for thought I liked the use of "refreshingly". I don't feel a (sexual) attraction towards him. I think that we're too close physically. I know the scent of his skin. I felt guilty at times because I like guys and I get close to him. Would he get that close if he had a sister? I consider him a part of myself. We look very similar. We were used to get asked if we are twins all the time (he's older than me). I see him as something very precious. I don't put the element of lust in this, I just love him. Sometimes I'm ashamed of that. For instance, I know he expects me to kiss him for goodbye, but I won't in front of others. Somehow I need to touch him when we're in the same place. When it comes to that and the "straight behavior" I'm not sure. I always thought he considered me to be weak. Not in a bad sense. He was my older brother he had to protect me. So that pulled aside everything else. I think that he likes simple things. His mind is made so that he likes it that way. All these shades of sexuality are far too colorful for his black and white vision. Guys like Girls and Girls like Guys, that's the rule of the game. He is as confused as it gets. We have some small fights but maybe I'm winning? I'm scratching the walls of denial in his head. I have reasonable arguments to fight his ignorance. For now, he's having flashbacks. I know what he feels, he knows what I feel. We don't need to talk. It's as if we're waiting for things to reset somehow. I'm scared t try to kiss him again. When he leaves he just stares at me.

I hadn't thought of that. From when I was little I started to feel attraction towards males. Even before knowing what sex is, something pulled me towards boys. That said, I find it difficult to understand how someone would not know whether he was gay. On the other hand it makes sense. Haven't we all met guys who "discovered" that in the late 30s? I am the same person and maybe he is too. It's just that I never knew that part of his. I don't push my lack though, I won't kiss (yet) in front of him but I think he tries to cope. I found by luck (I was passing behind him) reading an article about how gays are born.

I really need someone to explain me how is this possible. He even asked me how is sex possible and I told him to watch some porn. He's a very smart guy, but about this topic his brain got offline or something He worries. He thinks I'm in danger or that I'm tricked/fool/bewitched or whichever other word you may seem fitting. When my bf comes home (he knows him but thought of him as a friend of mine) he just looks with the corner of his eye. He thinks that a joke maybe. He's not rude or aggressive. He's confused.

I have an older brother (32) that I really love. He was always supportive and caring. But there was always a shadow between us. My proclivity towards males. I never felt he would be cool with that. He's not the guy that he would call gays as fagots. It felt as if he was ignorant of their existence. So I don't think he has ever formed an opinion about gays because no gay person has ever "annoyed" him, as if they were creatures of another galaxy. From that perspective he wouldn't possibly assume that I'm gay because it just can't be real. He calls me gay at times but he doesn't mean that I fuck with men. Gay, in his mind, is a generic word used for males implying lack of courage or to describe a choice (that shirt is gay). But he was insisting on asking me why I don't have a gf. So I said you know what? I have a friend, it's just a b-friend not a g-friend. He was shocked. He kept on asking me the most ridiculous questions. I can't understand how an educated person who has a bachelor and a MSc can be so ignorant about such things. He even asked me how two guys can have sex and how can I find a guy attractive. I don't wanna call him an idiot bcz I understand that it came out of the blue but still. He's not mad at me.. just confused. What also troubles me is that he has changed. We used to be too close. A (stupid) part of me believed that deep down he knew. He would kiss me every day, he would hug me, we could even watch netflix on his bed or sleep together. There were times that I thought despite him being my brother, I shouldn't be that close. I justified all these by believing that he likes to "protect" me and somehow in his eyes I'm more of a boy than a man and that him knowing that I'm gay made him act like that. What can I do now?

Quite unexpectedly, I met again with him, at his house. I needed a recommendation letter and I approached him. Long story how, but the professor I'm working with more or less "made" me ask it from him. And then well.. the devil made me do it. I didn't hold back, I told him how I felt and that I missed him. I started touching him and we kissed. He fucked me. But it felt very gentle, he really cared about me being hurt. And I don't think he had fucked a guy before. And then he cried but he told me that he cries because he was very happy and that I should find someone to live happily with. I don't know but that night I felt what happiness tastes like. It's dificult to put into words. Most of the days (and nights) my mind feels like a busy train station where thoughts come and go like trains. I always search my mails or prepare documents etc. But that night everything was erased. I was just with him nothing else. We started to talk anew. He told me that he never stopped thinking of me and that it hurt so much.

Since nobody really knows about my sexuality, I am making this post here that it's okay to be gay :) I'm not that experienced with sex (compared to what I'm reading here). I have fucked with hmm.. 10 guys? But 1 of them was my ex and we had been fucking for years. Lately I noticed that looking for hook ups is not appealing anymore for me. I am horny, I get connected but no.. people there feel like sex driven zombies. Some of them say they are "tops" but they don't fuck they just want mutual jerk-off, people who claim that are vers they just wanna get fucked. I also don't enjoy online dating. It's way more intriguing when it's someone that you already know. When I look at someone that I like my heart beats fast and I feel a rush. I never get that from online dating, it's boring. But when I see someone that makes me feel this rush oh damn I feel alive. Even if I don't get what I want (since by 99,9% he is someone straight) this rush is rewarding. I also came to realise that most people have dark secrets. Through all these posts I understand that there are people with STDs or do things that could cause harm in an attempt to receive maximum pleasure (using substances or doing anything dangerous). I would like to be trusted by my patients. To make them feel that I'm not judging, just helping. Am I having a thing for "forbidden" affairs. I was in love with a married guy. Yeah right, get a line someone would say. But he was also a professor of my university. But I was also in love with my god mother's son. That was the most forbidden love I've ever felt. He's 4 years older than me, straight and getting ready to marry (that's my assumption because he has a gf for many years). I always tried to impress him. When I was a kid I learned how to swim only to follow him when he went away from the shore. When he sat the exams for the university he scored very well, I struggled my way through, to be as good as he was and succeeded in medical school. He would be proud no matter what. But I can't help but thinking if he still has a place for me in his heart. A last thing. Technically I'm educated about safe sex practices, I encourage people to use condom, warn them about the hazards of not using one and pretty much I'm saying what every doctor says. Yet I can't help but finding arousing bareback sex. This mixture of fear, agony and lust is just too good.

These days were kinda rough for me. It's like God/Karma or mere coincidences are making fun of me. There have been three times in a row in which I was (more or less) forced to attend seminars in which he was a speaker. And they were rather small (with respect to the people that attended). Even worse, we were in my professor's office the three of us for some time and we were avoiding eye contact. So all that just makes me sadder. I suppose this sadness will fade away at some point. But now it hurts. I do have to admit though, that having my heart broken (does that sound too cheesy?) is intriguing. I always thought my emotional part was kinda dull and my life would suck but hey I fell in love with someone. I try to move on, do what I did before, go to the gym, spend endless hours in the hospital (seeing patients helps me forget my problems) and I think I will get better. Nights are harsh though.

Well.. isn't it too hard? Pink sung it, it hurts to be human I suppose it's easier for him to get back to what he had, the way they were. I can't be his wife, I'm a man, I can't be his son we don't share the same blood. I can be a menace for what he loves and that should be enough to walk away. About the younger man, I suppose his wife has pretty much the same age as him and since their sons are around 18, they must be together from quite a young age. He sees the most fitting for me to be in a similar situation. I haven't figured if he's bi, or just a str8 guy who got confused (can that really happen?). If he's bi or gay the fact that he tells me to find a guy makes me believe that he believes that I can't even pretend to be with a woman (like no one will fall for it). So it makes me believe that he doesn't regard me as masculine enough (although I believe that I am). That's a long story, it's just that in Italy we have difficulties about non masculine guys. Well we have lots of difficulties, that's one of them. And now I feel kinda empty and sad. I'm pretty sure that it's not easy for him as well.

oh i meant that theoretically. That if i was in such a situation, I wouldn't like to be cheated. I'm single. @TheSRQDude well.. it's not the first time it happens and most possibly, not the last either. I will cope with it. For now, I'm just sad. But I love that guy. I won't annoy him again, I hope he is happy.

I'm not sure I follow, I don't have a bf

So I have one, maybe the last, update on this story. He told me that since he met me, he was cheerful again and that he felt like a teenager (is this a good or a bad thing I wonder). He felt naughty and in love at the same time. But he said that this won't turn well. He has a wife and two sons and that this is not the right thing to do. He also said that I'm a very talented young man and I should find someone at my age who can love me to the fullest. Oh he also said that this is the best for us and he does it because he's also thinking of me, not only himself. Pretty much he dumped me.. which has made me very sad. And now it's all clear for me, I am in love with that guy.

That's complicated. I mean we gays like other men so both parts of the couple know the need of a man to jerk off no matter how much sex he has.. yet i think I wouldn't be open about it. It's not a thing of being clear or anything but maybe it should be kept for one's self.

@ErosWired I agree with u but I need to clarify some things. Maybe I wasn't clear enough. I'm not a phd student, I'm a post doc. That means I'm not a student at all, just a worker who works for the university until the project is over (and most possibly after that I will have my private office and the academia part will be over cuz I'm fed up with these people). So he's not in a position where somehow he will judge me or anything. He's not even in the same department. So there is not such a conflict of interest. We have worked in related projects but it was just a collab. About doing all these with students well.. with me he spent several hours the past 6 months. People who would play around with students as a habit I doubt they spent such an amount of time. Students in general like him, they say he's a cool guy and many girls are into him (I suppose guys as well but most are closeted here). So if i was to imagine myself in two years from now (that's when my contract ends) I see thee possibilities a) Find a new contract and work as a researcher (Heaven forbid) b) Become a professor myself (I can't decide if this is a good or a bad joke) c) Work in my private office/work in a clinic (yeah!) About getting noticed.. I believe it's already happening @DarkroomTaker Maybe I could make good money out of it, wish I could do the casting

It does seem odd that he has never tried something with another guy before. He looks unfamiliar with the situatiion though. He almost felt vulnerable when I kissed him which was really cute. I have quite backed off since it's he who starts messaging the past few days and not me. I attended a speech of his today, which of course we had too. He gave a speech in my department and all of us (the researchers) were kindly asked (indicated by the head of the lab) that we must be there. Professors are treated as deities, having the classroom of the speech half empty would be an unforgivable act. So I guess outside these awkward moments of intimacy we are as we were. About his achievements well.. he's vulnerable. I could be his weak spot, used against him to harm his career. I don't want this. On the one hand he serves me like an inspiration on how I want to be and be even greater than him, as the student that surpasses his teacher. That's how I want to see things. On the other hand, I just feel weak. He's in a better position, richer, he has family, a nice car, a nice office, nice clothes. I will never be good enough for him.