no load since covid need advice

[Yes]

Guys, I have the stupidest problem ever. when covid started I felt compelled to follow all the rules very closely. Just my personal decision. So I did social distancing, kind of went off on my own for the most part, and closed the cock service station. I thought it would be short term. But then I just I dunno got used to it and feeling kinda down, never got back in the swing of things, and now it has been almost 3.5 years since I had any load!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  it has not been required for covid reasons for a long time but I am still living that way.

I'm really hungry for cock like you can imagine. And I want to suck and get my throat fucked and worship balls and take anything in my holes.

I feel that I am gd out of practice I won't  be good at it any more and will just be a timewaster for a top. I tried putting dildos in my throat and it was so tight. A couple of times I have triggered my gag reflex brushing my teeth! wtf that never happened to me before.

Before all this I could swallow cock til their balls press against me. A top could stroke in me like a fleshlight. I could massage him with my throat. Felt so satisfying to be receptive in this way. With a good top that I trust I could really submit and just let him control everything. A top who I trust to let me breathe, eventually, would have the best access to my throat. You know like some tops will  go as long as possible in the throat every time till the body starts to fight back. (Of course he can use my holes however he wants. I am always grateful for the chance to make a top feel good, cum, etc and I dig a range of scenes.). But in that case my breathing and how much longer can I do it til I need to stop things is always in the front of mind so attention is divided. And I think I would last a shorter time mostly, even though he is trying to go as long as possible; and sometimes it would end up I would make him stop in the wrong moment because I wouldn't be reading him as carefully.  If on the other hand,  I know he will let me breathe eventually I would be able give over to his desire and just put all my mind on reading his cues and adjusting my position to be receptive and reacting to his movements to enhance for him. And He can ride his pleasure and allow me to breathe when it suits his rhythm.

... well I didn't expect to write all that... got carried away in fantasy/memories.

 I know all of cocksucking isn't in the throat and some cocksuckers I guess don't even use their throats? It has always been key to me. I don't demand it if the top is not interested ofc but many of them are. Now I feel like my body in general will not be able to be receptive. I am so disconnected. It is not just throating/sucking but that is the worst part.

I dunno if anyone has  every been in this situation. It is the opposite of what the whole forum is about I know. 😕 I need to get opened back up but I don't want to give someone substandard service. I feel that I would be wasting a guy's time to hook up. 

I am like trapped in my mind here how do I get out so I can be available to service men and swallow loads???

Please someone give me a pep talk, or kick my ass, or take one for the team by letting  me give you a shitty blow job.

[tallbootsleather]

FUCK MAN YOU CAN DO IT.  HAVE SOME SELF CONFIDENCE AND GET OUT THERE AND DO IT.  AS BAD AS YOU WANT TO I KNOW YOU CAN.  IT WILL ALL COME BACK TO YOU ONCE YOU FEEL THAT COCK IN YOUR MOUTH AND YOUR LIPS WRAPPED AROUND A HOT COCK.  IT MIGHT TAKE SEVERAL BUT YOU WILL GE THERE.  JUST GET OUT THERE AND DO IT AND YOU WILL NEVER LOOK BACK.  FUCK YES.